Lisa The Iconoclast

Homer:D'oh!

Narrator:The pioneers of Maryland were driven by a noble purpose: to establish a haven for religious freedom.

Narrator:Little did they know, they had misread the map. They thought it said 'Maryland' but it actually said 'Mary's Land.'

Narrator:So they spent the next forty years looking for a woman named Mary.

Bart:Cowabunga! A historical reenactment of colonial times! This is gonna be awesome!

Bart:Dude, check it out - muskets misfiring, cannons backfiring into the colonists' own ranks. It's like watching a bunch of idiots accidentally destroy themselves!

Bart:The irony is so sweet - they came to conquer and ended up getting owned by their own incompetence. This rules!

Settler 1:Good heavens! What manner of beast is that?

Settler 2:It's a massive creature with shaggy brown fur, horns like curved daggers, and a snort that shakes the earth!

Settler 1:We're doomed! It must be some sort of demon!

Settler 2:Wait... I think it's just a buffalo.

Jebediah Springfield:A word to the wise: it is no coincidence that 'embiggens' and 'cromulent' have entered the edumbucational lexicon of our people.

Edna Krabappel:I've never heard of the word 'embiggens' before I moved to Springfield.

Lisa Simpson:It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Edna Krabappel:Cromulent?

Ms. Hoover:Well, I've never heard of the word 'embiggens' before I moved to Springfield.

Lisa Simpson:Neither had I. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Ms. Hoover:Children, you were all born after the bicentennial in 1976.

Kearney:Were not!

Ms. Hoover:Children, as part of our bicentennial celebration, we'll be displaying the American flag in front of the school.

Bart:Cool! Nothing says 'America' like a piece of cloth.

Ms. Hoover:Well, Bart, that flag represents our nation's values and—

Lisa:Mom says it's funny how we wrap ourselves in the flag while ignoring real problems.

Ms. Hoover:Your mother is very wise. Now, where did Principal Skinner put the flag pole? He said something about burying it in the basement with some old financial records.

Ms. Hoover:The best essays are filed away where no one will ever see them.

Student:Can we add pictures to make it more interesting?

Ms. Hoover:No.

Homer:Oh boy, oh boy! Look at all these volunteer opportunities! We got... uh... crossing guard, lunch monitor, typhoid carrier...

Homer:So you think I'd make a good town crier?

Bart:Well, Dad, you've got all the qualifications. You're loud, obnoxious, you repeat yourself constantly, and nobody really listens to you anyway.

Museum Narrator:Many a valiant pioneer lost their lives attempting to ford the treacherous rivers of the American frontier. Oxen drowned, wagons were swept away, families were torn asunder... all to save the cost of a five-cent toll.

Hollis Hurlbut:I've dedicated my life to studying Jebediah Springfield. Every detail matters - from his uniform to his drinking habits. He only consumed beverages that were popular during his era.

Hollis Hurlbut:Jebediah Springfield was many things: a soldier, a statesman, a man of boundless vision. Why, he's as important to American history as... as Benjamin Franklin, as Thomas Jefferson, as... uh... Ulysses S. Kimball!

Homer:D'oh!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm tickled pinker than a fresh-caught salmon in a tuxedo! This is more exciting than a double-decker sandwich with extra mustard! I'm so grateful, I could just about plotz-a-rooney! Okily-dokily, I promise to ring this bell with the enthusiasm of a thousand church choirs singing hymns to the Lord above!

Ned Flanders:Oyez, oyez, oyez! Hear ye, hear ye, um, well, actually, if it's not too much trouble, would folks kindly lend me their ear-a-rooney? The town council has asked me to announce that, uh, the annual springtime festival-diddly-estival will be occurring on Saturday, or perhaps Sunday if that's more convenient for everyone, no pressure-a-rooney!

Ned Flanders:And, um, there will be games and refreshments, though of course I must caution that the games are, diddly-deed, entirely voluntary, and if anyone feels uncomfortable participating, well, that's perfectly okey-dokey! We wouldn't want anyone feeling pressured-diddly-essured into having fun, now would we?

Homer:Listen here, Flanders! You're nothing but a sanctimonious, Bible-thumping... diddly-doodly... Hey, wait a minute!

Ned:Problem-o, Homer-diddly-o?

Homer:Don't you 'diddly-o' me, you... you... okily-dokily, get outta here!

Homer:Oyez, oyez, oyez! Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! It is I, Homer Simpson, your new town crier, fo' shizzle!

Homer:Let it be known throughout the land that the town meeting hath been postponed, my bad, homies.

Homer:Furthermore, verily and forsooth, the Kwik-E-Mart is having a sick sale on Squishees, yo!

Mayor Quimby:My heavens! Homer Simpson has single-handedly restored order to our fair town!

Mayor Quimby:I must say, I am absolutely flabbergasted by his competence and dedication to civic duty.

Townsperson:That was the best town crier performance I've ever seen! You really rang that bell with such passion and authenticity!

Homer:Thanks! I learned from the best. Did you hear me say 'D'oh!' and 'Mmm... donuts'? Those are my signature moves!

Townsperson:Those aren't real words, Homer.

Homer:They are now!

Homer:Hear ye, hear ye! The Simpsons — it's like CBS, but with better ratings!

Hollis Hurlbut:And here we have the fife that Jebediah Springfield played at the Battle of Bloody Clam Cove.

Hollis Hurlbut:And this is the hatchet he used to chop down that cherry tree, which, as we all know, he then lied about.

Hollis Hurlbut:And finally, his chamber pot.

Jebediah Springfield:I must confess my terrible secret. I am not the virtuous founder you believe me to be.

Jebediah Springfield:My real name is Hans Sprungfeld, and I was a dangerous pirate and criminal!

Jebediah Springfield:Bah! These pathetic townspeople are beneath me. They grovel and worship at my feet while I mock them in secret.

Jebediah Springfield:Mwahahaha! Bwahahaha! Mwahahahahaha!

Hollis Hurlbut:Lisa, you're looking a bit flushed. I'd say your obsession with Jebediah Springfield is giving you a fever... of historical proportions.

Homer:Hear ye, hear ye! I bring news of the morning repast!

Marge:Homer, what are you doing?

Homer:I'm the town crier! Oyez, oyez! Let it be known that I shall be consuming thee scrambled eggs and thee toast this fine day!

Marge:You mean 'the,' not 'thee.'

Homer:That's what I said - thee! Hear ye, hear ye! Thee orange juice approaches thy lips!

Homer:Her tongue?! Oh man, I'd give anything to have her tongue in my mouth!

Homer:Sweet lion of Damascus!

Apu:For the celebration, I have procured the following items: red, white, and blue balloons, patriotic bunting, and... lucky charms marshmallows shaped like stars and horseshoes.

Homer:Marshmallows? Where?

Apu:These are decoration-grade only, Homer. The stars represent our nation's ideals, and the horseshoes represent... well, also luck.

Marge:The alternative was a town literally named for bad smell.

Ms. Hoover:Lisa, your essay on the history of American imperialism is well-researched, but the title 'America: A Nation of Warmongering Hypocrites' is far too inflammatory.

Lisa:But Ms. Hoover, everything in that essay is factually accurate.

Ms. Hoover:I'm sure it is, dear. That's why you get an F.

Ms. Hoover:This is your fault, Lisa. Your constant academic honesty and integrity have made me look bad in front of the other teachers. If you hadn't been so honest, I could have covered up my failures and maybe Principal Skinner would have noticed me romantically instead of always going after the pretty young substitute teachers. But no, your perfect student ethics had to ruin everything for me.

Homer:Hey, don't worry about it, Lis. I've been called worse things than that. Why, just last week someone called me a greasy thug.

Lisa:Dad, that's different. They were being literal.

Homer:Well, yeah, but it still hurt.

Homer:Here's what we do. We get a gun, we go to that school, and we just start blasting.

Homer:So you're telling me this painting is worth $5 million?

Curator:Yes, it's a priceless masterpiece.

Homer:And if I were to steal it, how much could I get for it on the black market?

Homer:Put that in your fife and smoke it!

Hollis Hurlbut:And finally, the Emancipation Retraction of 1867, where President Johnson declared all slaves to be slaves again.

Hollis Hurlbut:Your family is hereby banned from the Springfield Museum of Natural History... for all eternity!

Homer:All eternity? That's like... what, three months?

Hollis Hurlbut:Yes, actually. Three months.

Lisa Simpson:I need copies in Goldenrod, Mustard, Canary, and Chartreuse.

Print Shop Worker:So... yellow?

Homer:I always help the little guy.

Lisa:Dad, I'm literally the smallest person you know.

Man:Who are you? Are you a cop?

Homer:No, I'm not a cop.

Man:Are you sure?

Homer:Yeah, I'm sure. I'm Homer Simpson.

Screenplay writer:You can't tell anyone about my screenplay idea. It's completely original.

Screenplay writer:It's about a group of rebels who have to stop an evil empire from destroying the galaxy.

Homer:Wait, so if I do this, something bad will happen?

Homer:Well then I'm definitely doing it!

Apu:Oh, Lisa, you are as sweet as candy canes hanging from the boughs of a Christmas tree in a perfect world where nothing bad ever happens and everyone loves each other.

Apu:I'm sorry, I cannot help with the poster. You see, I am an illegal immigrant, and if I am caught, I will be deported back to India. It is a bit like being a Whipple—once you're caught, you're finished!

Homer:Lisa has something important to say.

Lisa:I have something important to say.

Barney:That's nice, sweetie. Now run along and play with your dolls.

Moe:He's fine with all prejudices except being against heroes

Moe:Show them the exit, Barney.

Barney:The bar has an exit?

Corporate Sponsor:We're pulling our sponsorship. We can't be associated with a pirate.

Homer:But what about Long John Silver's?

Corporate Sponsor:Especially them.

Mayor Quimby:All in favor of exhuming the body of our founder, Jebediah Springfield?

Townspeople:[multiple hands raise]

Mayor Quimby:Motion carries. This concludes our meeting.

Barney:Same time next week?

Mayor Quimby:Of course.

Homer:What do we win if you're right?

Lisa:The truth.

Homer:The truth? What good is that? I wanted a toaster!

Chief Wiggum:Good Lord! A skeleton! That's not normal, is it?

Homer:Look at this skeleton. No silver tongue. I know what that's like.

Chief Wiggum:Now listen here, you bony wise guy. I don't appreciate your smart mouth.

Chief Wiggum:You better watch it, or I'll run you in for vagrancy.

Lisa:George Washington?

George Washington:That's right, Lisa. I've come to encourage you. You must never give up on your dreams.

Lisa:But how did you...?

George Washington:I'm a ghost, Lisa. I can do anything.

George Washington:Quit? Lisa, our forefathers didn't quit. We fought the British, we crossed the Delaware in the dead of winter, and we didn't complain about Kentucky.

Lisa:What's wrong with Kentucky?

George Washington:Have you ever been there?

George Washington:I'll find another girl to be president!

Lisa:No! Not Janey! She'll appoint her friends to the Supreme Court!

Lisa:I'm coming, Mr. Washington, I'm coming...

Bart:Even in her sleep, she's a little nerd.

Ralph:Ms. Hoover, I'm leaking!

Ms. Hoover:It's just a nosebleed, Ralph.

Ralph:But I want my mommy!

Ms. Hoover:I am your mother.

Ralph:Oh boy, oh boy! My mommy's the best!

Hollis Hurlburt:I couldn't help myself. That tongue, it was just sitting there, razzing me. Mocking me with its very existence.

Lisa:I was going to tell everyone the truth about Jebediah Springfield, but I can't. This town needs its heroes.

Lisa:So I'm going to lie and say he was exactly what everyone thinks he was.

Homer:Why didn't you tell the truth?

Lisa:Sometimes a inspiring myth is more valuable than the truth.

Lisa:Myths are an important part of our culture. They teach us valuable lessons about life and human nature.

Lisa:That's why it's so meaningful when we realize the quote we've been living by actually came from a fortune cookie.

Marge:Officer, you have to stop Homer from being the town crier! He doesn't have a license!

Police Officer:Ma'am, we can't stop him.

Marge:Why not?

Police Officer:Have you heard him? The man's a natural. We'd be fools to shut down that kind of talent.