Burns Baby Burns

Marge:Children, isn't this educational? We're learning all about apples!

Lisa:Did you know apples have been cultivated for over 4,000 years? The World Series is merely a sporting event.

Marge:Exactly! This is far more enriching than watching baseball.

Tour Guide:And this mill has been in continuous operation since 1887, through wars, depressions, and economic downturns...

Tour Guide:During World War II, when it was briefly abandoned, we had a little rat problem. By 'little,' I mean the rats were huge and they ate all the grain. In fact, some say the rats never really left...

Tour Guide:Well, we had a little rat problem, but we got rid of them.

Homer:That's great!

Tour Guide:Actually, we didn't. They're still here. In fact, they've nested in the walls and are chewing through the electrical wiring.

Marge:Oh my!

Tour Guide:And they've contaminated the water supply. Plus, we're pretty sure they're in the ventilation system now.

Lisa:This is horrifying.

Tour Guide:And last Tuesday, one of them was found in the deep fryer.

Barney:How do you like them green apples?

Homer:Hey Barney!

Barney:How do you like them apples, Homer?

Homer:Hey Barney, how long have you been going to that adult education class?

Barney:Oh, about three years now.

Homer:Three years? What have you learned?

Barney:That I'm not smart enough to be there.

Homer:You know, if you're gonna visit an apple farm more than 47 times a year, you might as well get the season pass. It pays for itself after the 48th visit.

Homer:Apple juice and cider? I'll tell you the difference. One is clear, one is cloudy. And one has a rhyme to help you remember: A-C-I-D makes cider!

Homer:It's like I always say: you take the cider, you ferment it, you age it in oak barrels for three years, you add a splash of Swedish lingonberry juice, a pinch of Himalayan sea salt, and a whisper of Peruvian wind chimes for that authentic terroir... and boom, you got yourself a refreshing glass of apple juice.

Marge:I was admiring all the beautiful foilage this fall.

Lisa:Mom, it's pronounced 'foliage.'

Marge:That's what I said — foilage.

Lisa:No, foliage.

Marge:Foilage.

Lisa:Mom, it's pronounced 'quinoa,' not 'keen-wah.'

Marge:Oh, well thank you, Lisa. I'll make sure to pronounce it correctly from now on.

Marge:Now, who wants some keen-wah for dinner?

Marge:I know how to pronounce words correctly.

Marge:It's pronounced 'nucular,' not 'nuclear.'

Burns:Harvard may have won, but I'm certain they cheated. No one beats my team without resorting to underhanded tactics.

Smithers:But sir, Harvard won fair and square.

Burns:Nonsense, Smithers. Their victory is hollow. Mark my words, there will be consequences.

Mr. Burns:I have many fond memories of my time at Yale. Why, just last week I was reminiscing about my dear friend...

Barney:Hey Burnsie! Remember me? Your old roommate from Yale!

Mr. Burns:Oh God, no.

Burns:Smithers, due to the train delay, you'll have to entertain me. Do your little dance.

Smithers:But sir, I don't really—

Burns:Now, Smithers! And make it lively!

Smithers:Very well, sir.

Burns:Bah! Dreadful! Now watch as I demonstrate the Charleston mixed with modern interpretive dance and a touch of the forbidden Transylvanian jig I learned from a gypsy.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm bored. Entertain me.

Smithers:Of course, sir! I shall perform an interpretive dance while reciting the periodic table backwards, standing on one leg, while you throw eggs at me!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, you're drunk.

Smithers:Yes, sir. And I'm only getting more enthusiastic!

Barney:Hey buddy, you look like you could use a pair of shoes!

Larry:A pair of shoes? I'll take a pair of pants!

Barney:A pair of pants? How about a pair of socks?

Larry:A pair of socks? I'll take a pair of everything!

Vendor:Hey, wanna buy a genuine Springfield souvenir?

Vendor:How about this brick with googly eyes?

Vendor:Or this used chewing gum with googly eyes?

Vendor:What about this pile of dirt with googly eyes?

Tourist:That's just googly eyes on nothing...

Vendor:Googly eyes are extra.

Larry:These souvenirs are too nice. How about some literal crap instead?

Homer:An apple farm! Why, I had the time of my life! Best day ever!

Marge:Homer, you spent the entire time complaining about the dirt and refusing to pick anything.

Homer:Well sure, but I'm lying now.

Homer:That's great, Lisa. You know, I'm all for the 'scaype' and the 'libary'. Literacy is important.

Lisa:Dad, it's 'escape' and 'library.'

Homer:That's what I said.

Homer:Oh boy, a hitchhiker! I'll pick him up.

Homer:Wait... is that a person or some kind of badly made road sign?

Marge:Homer, why would you pick up a hitchhiker? He could be dangerous!

Homer:Marge, if I don't pick up hitchhikers, people will think I'm not a good samaritan. But if I do pick up a hitchhiker and he turns out to be a normal person, then I'll look like an idiot for being nice to someone normal.

Larry:I tried hitchhiking once. The only ride offer I got was from morticians who thought I was a corpse.

Marge:Dad, please don't sit on the pie.

Grampa:Well, what else am I supposed to sit on?

Homer:Your ass?

Grampa:I'm 81 years old. At this point, I'd rather sit on a pie.

Larry:So tell me about your boss, Mr. Burns.

Homer:Well, he's a pretty great guy. Sure, he tried to kill me once, but who hasn't?

Marge:Homer, Mr. Burns tried to kill you multiple times!

Homer:Yeah, but that was just business.

Bart:Dad, the guy literally shot at us from his office window.

Lisa:And he's responsible for the nuclear plant's countless environmental violations that poison our town.

Maggie:(sucks pacifier)

Homer:See? Even the baby doesn't care. Mr. Burns is a swell employer.

Mr. Burns:Well, yes, I may have done some terrible things, but they were all in the past.

Larry:Mr. Burns, you've committed murder, fraud, environmental crimes, and countless other felonies.

Mr. Burns:Pish posh! A little friction between business associates, that's all.

Larry:A mailbox so large you can walk into it — that's how you know someone's really rich.

Smithers:Mr. Burns would be delighted to meet you, Larry. He's just finishing his afternoon constitutional.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, who is this ruffian? And why must he stand so close? I'll need my telescope just to see his face properly.

Smithers:Sir, he's standing right in front of you.

Mr. Burns:Precisely my point. The man is practically touching me. Fetch the periscope, Smithers. I refuse to conduct business at such intimate distances.

Larry Burns:So it turns out I'm Mr. Burns' son. Yeah, we just found out.

Larry Burns:Anyway, I killed his albino peacock. It got loose in the house, so I had to take care of it.

Mr. Burns:I remember when they first invented the wheel. I said, 'What'll they think of next?' Ha! Well, that was in 1889.

Burns:A romantic evening with Miss Smithers. I've prepared a special dinner, and I've even rented a film—a scandalous French picture where a woman says 'damn.' Arousing!

Mr. Burns:I can look past Mimsie's age. What I'm really interested in is her daughter.

Mr. Burns:It was in the Hall of Ethnic Peoples at the Museum of Natural History. We made love right there among the dioramas.

Mr. Burns:It was quite exhilarating — all those painted backdrops, the fake rocks, the wax figures staring down at us in judgment.

Mr. Burns:Though I must say, treating intercourse as a fleeting fashion trend seemed rather gauche, even for her.

Mr. Burns:I once made love to a woman on the hood of a Vermeer.

Homer:I've never even made love on a car.

Mr. Burns:It was a Vermeer.

Homer:I know, I'm just saying I've never even made love on a car.

Mr. Burns:Well, the point is, I got art all over my ass.

Homer:Well, I've got Cheeto dust in my ass crack, so we're both pretty cultured.

Mr. Burns:Tell me about your entire life.

Larry:Well, I was born, I saw a blimp once, and here we are.

Theater Actor:I can't do this anymore! This script is terrible, the lighting is atrocious, and I haven't been paid in three weeks!

Theater Actor:I demand closure on this production, or I'm walking off this stage right now!

Larry:Don't worry Homer, I'm not going to compete with you.

Homer:Really?

Larry:Yeah, I'm taking lessons on the theremin.

Homer:The what?

Larry:It's a musical instrument you play without touching it. You just wave your hands around.

Homer:That's the laziest thing I've ever heard. I love it!

Larry:I'm so lazy, I'm like a couch on tranquilizers.

Larry:Actually, I'm like a couch on tranquilizers that's already lying down.

Larry:No wait—I'm like a couch on tranquilizers that's already lying down and just gave up.

Homer:I'd trust my new friend with my life!

Marge:What about me?

Homer:Well, if we were on a sinking ship, I'd save him first.

Larry:Well, well, well... an admiral! You must have seen some action in your day.

Admiral:Indeed I have, my boy. Served with distinction for fifty years.

Larry:Fifty years? You must be older than the USS Constitution!

Admiral:How dare you!

Larry:I've seen better preserved ships in a bottle.

Society Woman:I'm so pleased to announce that my daughter is coming out this season.

Larry:Coming out? But she's not due for three more months!

Larry:Or did you mean she's done? Is she medium rare?

Larry:Wow, look at all this fancy food! Caviar, foie gras, truffles... You know what this reminds me of? Chef Boyardee ravioli. Same thing, really.

Yale Representative:We can't admit Larry. He's too heavy.

Yale Representative:Our motto is 'Semper Fido' — always faithful. But Larry's always at the fridge.

Yale Representative:We've reviewed Larry's entrance exam, and I'm afraid his spelling is... well, look at how he spelled 'love'.

Yale Representative:L-U-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V.

Yale Representative:Mr. Burns, your son's test scores are abysmal. We'll need a $5 million donation.

Burns:Five million? That's outrageous! What if I donated $3 million?

Yale Representative:Then he'd be rejected.

Burns:What about $10 million?

Yale Representative:That would guarantee his acceptance.

Burns:Excellent! I'll give you $7 million.

Yale Representative:Sir, that's between the two amounts. He'd be on the waiting list.

Burns:Then I'm not donating at all. I refuse to waste money on a school that can't make up its mind!

Mr. Burns:Yale wants a donation for Larry's admission? Preposterous! I'll give them nothing!

Smithers:Sir, I believe they meant a monetary contribution to the university.

Mr. Burns:A monetary contribution? Why didn't they say so? I thought they wanted an actual airport! Do I look like I build airports?

Bartender:That'll be $5 for the drink.

Patron:Five dollars?! Mr. Burns will kill me if he finds out I spent money without his permission.

Bartender:Well, it's a really good drink.

Patron:Worth it.

Larry:Sure, Mr. Burns is a bit unpleasant. He's always firing people, he tried to kill me that one time, but... he's not a murderer! He's just a scamp! A rascal! A cantankerous old coot!

Larry:This is the dullest party I've ever been to. It's so boring, a funeral would break out.

Burns:Homer, I understand you also have a son who is a constant disappointment.

Homer:Yeah, Bart's a real underachiever.

Burns:Perhaps we could commiserate. My boy is equally worthless.

Homer:You know what really gets me? Bart's best friend Milhouse. That kid's a real loser.

Burns:Ah yes, I quite agree.

Homer:I mean, his glasses are so thick, his head's so weak, and his family's so poor that—

Burns:Yes, yes, a truly pathetic specimen.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Son. Ever.

Larry:Our relationship has gotten worse than a Chevy from the 70s.

Larry:Homer, I'm having trouble with my father. Do you have any advice?

Homer:Well, when I have problems with my dad, we do something together. Like robbing a bank or hijacking a plane.

Larry:That's terrible advice!

Homer:It works for us!

Homer:Dear Mr. Burns, I have your son. If you don't pay me one million dollars, I will hurt him.

Homer:P.S. I am not a crook.

Chief Wiggum:Alright men, we got ourselves a kidnapping. Here's the plan: We'll set up a net made of police tape between these two trees.

Eddie:Chief, won't the kidnapper just go around it?

Chief Wiggum:Ah, good point. We'll also put up a sign that says 'Kidnapper trap - do not cross.'

Lou:What if he can read, Chief?

Chief Wiggum:Then we put the sign in French.

Marge:Homer, you've been in the basement all day. What are you doing down there?

Homer:I'm not hiding, Marge. I'm reading hide-out books.

Marge:Hide-out books?

Homer:It's a whole genre. There's 'Where's Waldo,' 'I Spy'... very educational.

Bart:Your humor style is amazing, Larry!

Larry:Thanks, kid. Hey Marge, did you know that blue beehive makes you look like a sad Smurf had a baby with a haystack?

Larry:I want hair like Marge Simpson's.

City Official:You'll need to file a permit with the city. That's a structural modification.

Larry:How long will that take?

City Official:Eight to ten weeks for the environmental impact study alone. We need to make sure it doesn't block anyone's view or violate zoning codes.

Larry:It's just hair!

City Official:At that height, it's a landmark.

Larry:Hey Marge, with that hair, you could be the Queen of England!

Marge:Well, thank you!

Larry:Yeah, you'd be perfect for a crown — it'd finally have something to sit on top of.

Mr. Burns:Ahoy-hoy?

Kidnapper:Don't you miss your son?

Burns:Of course. I'd give anything to have him back. Well, not *anything*. I'd give... let's say fifty dollars.

Burns:That's a fair price for a boy. Perhaps even a bit generous.

Fake Kidnapper:Prove you love your son! Show me some emotion!

Burns:Emotion? Why, I'd write a check right now.

Eddie:We traced the call. It came from the number 555-0199.

Chief Wiggum:555? Isn't that the fake prefix they use in TV and movies?

Eddie:Yeah, Chief. That's the one.

Homer:Larry, what card game should we play?

Larry:I don't know, Homer. What do you suggest?

Homer:How about Pai Gow? No wait... Pie Cow. Or is it Poy Gow? Poy Cow?

Homer:What about Mahjong? Mah-jong? Muh-jonk? My-junk?

Larry:Homer, just deal the cards.

Marge:Homer, I'm worried about kidnapping. What if someone took one of the children?

Homer:Marge, kidnapping is just a simple hoax made up by the media to scare us.

Marge:Homer, you have to return Larry! This kidnapping has gone on long enough!

Homer:But Marge, I can't return him. He's in a wooden crate at the bottom of the ocean.

Marge:Well then get him out!

Homer:I would, but I don't have any scuba gear, I can't hold my breath for more than three seconds, and I don't even know which ocean.

Kent Brockman:Well, it appears the two suspects are not very good at being on the lam. One of them is wearing a name tag.

Homer:Where am I gonna find an abandoned warehouse now? The economy's too good!

Homer:Oh, a perfectly good abandoned warehouse! And it's all because of this booming economy. Back in my day, you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting an abandoned building. Now they're all fixed up and full of jobs and hope. It's ruining everything!

Movie Patron:Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep it down? We're trying to watch the movie.

Homer:Why don't you call the police?

Movie Patron:Good idea!

Kent Brockman:We now return to our simulation of police violence. Officers, you may fire at will.

Police Officer:We're out of bullets, Chief.

Police Chief:Use baseballs!

Kent Brockman:And that's how real police work.

Homer:Mr. Burns, I know we've had our differences, but I want you to know that being a parent means loving your child no matter what. Even if they're boring and stinky, you love them anyway.

Larry:Oh, that's okay, Mr. Burns. I understand completely.

Larry:Besides, I left my wife and kids at a rest stop for three days once because I thought I saw a Starbucks.

Burns:I've discovered I have a son! Finally, a legacy to pass on to the next generation.

Burns:Why, with his healthy organs, I could live another 200 years!

Mr. Burns:Excellent! I'll take one of your kidneys.

Larry:Well, okay, but I get to use it for drinking first.

Marge:Homer, how did you manage to throw together a party this fast? Where did you get all this food and decorations?

Homer:Well, Marge, you see, when you're throwing a party, the normal rules of logic don't apply. It's like a special exemption zone where anything goes and nobody questions how things happen.