Bart After Dark

Homer:D'oh!

News Anchor:We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.

Homer:Oh no! What happened? Did I do something?

Lisa:Dad, we're experiencing an environmental catastrophe!

Homer:Don't worry, sweetie. I'm sure it'll all blow over. Besides, I just bought a new air conditioner.

Sea Captain:Aye, we may have spilled a few barrels of oil. Nothing a little elbow grease won't fix!

Sea Captain:I'll pay you a thousand dollars to tell the authorities it was your fault!

Other Character:But I wasn't even there!

Sea Captain:Even better! Avast, ye scallywag!

Contrived pun connecting award show to environmental activism

Lisa:I want to help clean the oil-covered animals!

Homer:Why don't we clean our own neglected pets instead?

Lisa:Mom, for my birthday and Christmas, I'd like to take a trip to Washington D.C.

Marge:Oh honey, that's very educational, but it's too expensive.

Lisa:But last year you got me that 'World of Cocoa' book and it just made me sad because we couldn't afford the cocoa.

Lisa:I love this peach tree. It's my favorite tree in the whole world. I play with it all the time.

Lisa:Look at me. I'm playing with the tree now. Isn't this fun?

Marge:Homer, while I'm at the spa, I need you to feed Snowball II at 6 PM, give Santa's Little Helper fresh water every four hours, and make sure both pets get some exercise.

Homer:Feed Snowball at 6, water the dog every 4 hours, exercise the pets. Got it.

Marge:Homer, those are three separate tasks.

Homer:I know! I'll feed the dog water at 6 o'clock, and then exercise the cat every four hours. Perfect!

Bart:Dad, we should spend some quality time together. Let's plan dinner.

Homer:That's a great idea, son! You're in charge of it. I'm going to take a nap.

Bart:Dad, don't you ever brush your teeth?

Homer:Well, I brush some of them.

Bart:Which ones?

Homer:The ones I want to keep.

Lisa:I want to help clean up the environment!

Volunteer Coordinator:Great! We need volunteers for our river cleanup.

Lisa:I'm ready to make a difference!

Volunteer Coordinator:Perfect. Just stand over there while the celebrities take photos with the rescued ducks.

Lisa:All the animals are reserved for celebrities? But I wanted to do important environmental work!

Lisa:I guess I'll just have to save the planet some other way.

Marge:Thousands of rocks? I've got a sink full of dishes at home. I'm not interested.

Bart:Hey Dad, let's make snow angels in the garbage!

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Dad, can I go out tonight?

Homer:Yeah, sure, whatever.

Bart:I want to see an exciting plane crash!

Milhouse:Wow, a plane! And it's landing with such precision and grace. The pilots must have really nailed that approach vector!

Mr. Burns:Good heavens! Look at the size of those children. They're like little zeppelins waddling about the schoolyard.

Nelson:It's a zombie. Zombies are real, and they're coming to get us. I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

Bart:Nelson, zombies aren't real.

Nelson:Shut up, Bart. I know what I'm talking about. See, the zombie gets bitten by a vampire, right? Then the vampire turns into a werewolf during a full moon. The werewolf then bites the zombie, which makes the zombie immortal. So now you got an immortal zombie vampire werewolf. It's science.

Lisa:That's not how any of this works.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Your stupid science is no match for zombie vampire werewolf logic!

Bart:Yes! I did it! I'm in!

Bart:Ow!

Belle:Hello, is this Homer Simpson? I'm calling about your son Bart's behavior in class.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, I'm not wearing pants right now.

Belle:I... what?

Homer:You heard me. No pants.

Belle:You should punish him!

Homer:Punish him? But then he'd cry, and I'd have to comfort him. That takes energy!

Bart:Thanks Dad, for not punishing me. You're the best parent ever!

Homer:D'oh! Wait, that's not right...

Homer:How does your mother usually punish you?

Bart:Well, Dad, she makes me go to my room without supper.

Homer:Without supper?! Why that's... that's terrible!

Bart:Yeah, or sometimes she makes me do chores around the house.

Homer:Chores? Marge would never do that to me!

Bart:That's because you'd actually enjoy it, Dad.

Homer:Enjoy it?! Why you little...!

Bart:Whoa, check it out! The creepy witch house!

Bart:I'm going in!

Moe:Whoa there, kid. This is an elegant burlesque establishment.

Bart:A what?

Moe:A burlesque house. We got dancing, we got class, we got— well, we got dancing.

Barney:Welcome to Moe's Tavern!

Moe:We got a new establishment across the street. It's called 'Le Burlesque'.

Homer:Le Burlesque? That sounds fancy!

Moe:Yeah, real classy joint. Very French.

Barney:You know what 'Le Burlesque' means in English?

Homer:What?

Barney:'The Nude Show.'

Bart:Okay, Dad, I'll do the chores.

Homer:Great, son! You can wash the car, mow the lawn, and take out the trash.

Bart:Eh, how about I just reorganize your adult magazine collection instead?

Belle:So your job is to greet visitors at the door and toss out any troublemakers.

Bart:Cool, cool. Greet, toss. Greet, toss.

Moe:Hey, what's a kid doing in a burlesque house?

Bart:I don't know, what?

Moe:Well, never mind. Get me a Duff.

Volunteer Coordinator:For entertainment, we have a broken TV and a bucket of warm dirt.

Bart:You know what they call a naked guy at a burlesque house? A guy in his birthday suit. But here's the thing - I showed up in an actual birthday suit. My mom made it out of wrapping paper and ribbon. The bouncer took one look and said, 'Kid, that's not what we meant.' Turns out 'birthday suit' is just a fancy way of saying naked. Who knew? I thought it was formal wear!

Bart:Yeah, so I was thinking about loose-leaf accounting, right? And I realized it's basically the same thing Adam and Eve had going on in the Garden of Eden. They were doing fig leaf accounting — everything was covered up, nobody knew what was really going on!

Bart:Man, these jokes are really bad. Even I know they're bad, and I'm the guy telling them.

Homer:Where's Bart? He's usually home by now eating dinner.

Homer:Well, his food's getting cold. Guess I better eat it so it doesn't go to waste.

Homer:I need to get up early tomorrow.

Marge:Why, Homer?

Homer:I'm going to steal the neighbor's newspaper.

Homer:Let's see... 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary yesterday. Mrs. Smith was unavailable for the photo.'

Belle:Bart was helping me with my act.

Homer:Oh, so that's why the emcee's in the hospital.

Belle:Drugs are a real challenge for modern parents.

Homer:You said it! I've had to hide my stash so many times.

Principal Skinner:I can explain! I was just here... doing a surprise inspection of the, uh, theatrical arts establishment. For the school board. It's a legitimate educational field trip.

Ned:Well, Homer, I was just going to talk to you about—

Homer:Nope! Not interested! La la la la la!

Homer Simpson:Ned, isn't all this religious stuff bad for kids?

Ned Flanders:Well, Homer, the Bible is full of all kinds of important moral lessons.

Homer Simpson:Even the part with all the begetting?

Ned Flanders:Well, yes, even that... except for the part about coveting thy neighbor's ass. That one's just good clean fun!

Principal Skinner:I was there, but I wasn't really there. You see, I was there in body, but my mind was elsewhere, which means I wasn't truly there at all. Therefore, I couldn't have done anything wrong because the me that was there wasn't really me.

Ned:Homer, how could you let Bart do that? That's terrible parenting!

Homer:Well, Neddy, I'll have you know I'm a great father. Why, just last week I taught Bart the importance of... uh... well, he learned something.

Ned:That's not parenting, Homer, that's just letting him run wild!

Homer:Run wild? The boy can barely run to the fridge without getting winded. I'm doing fine.

Marge:Did you know it was a burlesque house?

Homer:Yeah, I knew.

Marge:And you still sent Bart there?

Homer:Well, yeah.

Homer:I know I made a terrible parenting choice, but it's really Marge's fault for letting me do it.

Marge:I've lived here for 37 years. My parents lived here. My grandparents lived here.

Belle:Yeah, well, I've been a hooker for 40 years.

Belle:Listen here, Marge. I've tangled with plenty of society wives, but you... you've got that Midwestern rage simmering just below the surface.

Marge:I'm just trying to live my life.

Belle:That's what makes you dangerous. One day that blue hair is going to snap, and when it does, there won't be enough pearls in Springfield to protect me.

Marge:I'm starting another moral crusade! This time against... well, I haven't decided yet, but rest assured it will be exhausting for everyone!

Marge:I'm concerned about the moral decay in our community!

Citizen 1:Yeah, my house has termites.

Citizen 2:Mine's got water damage.

Citizen 3:The foundation is cracking on mine.

Mayor Quimby:Yes, well, I assume you have a rather small clientele.

Marge:Actually, I have a comprehensive list of customers right here.

Marge:Look at all these photos of the men who visited the burlesque house...

Chief Wiggum:Oh no, that's me!

Reverend Lovejoy:And that's me!

Principal Skinner:Me too!

Ned Flanders:Diddily-doodily, that's me!

Barney:Woo-hoo, I'm in there twice!

Homer:Wait, where am I? Oh, there I am... with Lenny and Carl!

Mr. Burns:Smithers! What are you doing at a burlesque house?

Smithers:Well, sir, it's not my fault. My parents never showed me affection as a child.

Cletus:Well, I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart the other day, and I thought it was a strip club!

Brandine:Cletus, that's the third time this month. It's a convenience store.

Cletus:Well, how was I supposed to know? They got a pole up front for the Slurpee machine!

Brandine:That's a... that's not what that is. I'm so sorry, everyone.

Moe:Yeah, let's get 'em! String 'em up! Oh wait, which house are we burnin' down again?

Belle:I prefer the term 'madam'.

Homer:Wait, wait! Before you kill me, hear me out. You're all angry, right? But why? Because you feel like nobody listens to you, nobody cares what you think. Well, I'm listening. And you know what? You're right about most things. So how about instead of killing me, we all go get a beer and talk about it?

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Marge:How did a song change your minds?

Citizens:Your moral arguments didn't sway us, but that catchy tune sure did!

Barney:Hey, wait a minute! You can't tear down this building!

Barney:This is where I come to drink!

Bart:So Twiggy and Woody are having a baby?

Twiggy:Yes, we're thinking of naming him Twig.

Bart:That's wood-iful!