Alarmed by a soccer riot, Homer buys a handgun. His reckless behavior drives Marge and the kids out of the house, and even his new gun club buddies desert him.
Gun-obsessed Homer drives 65 jokes in 22 minutes, but tone scatters between satire and slapstick.
Directed by Pete Michels · Written by John Swartzwelder
WAR
35.1
Wins Above Replacement
“The Cartridge Family” ranks #172 of 226 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 75.8 — Great. The episode packs 65 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 6.7 on craft and 6.3 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Homer: You know, I think gun ownership is a lot like having the power of God himself.
Homer: With just the flick of my finger, I can end a life in an instant.
Homer: It's like being a god... except I have to pay taxes and follow traffic laws.
Homer Dark/Subversive Absurdist ★ Rewatch Security System Salesman: Think about your family. What's their safety worth to you? You can't put a price on it.
Homer: Oh yes you can. I've already done it. I'd say Marge is worth about $5,000, the kids are worth $2,000 each, and I'm worth $10,000.
Homer: Guns are tools, Marge. Why, I use mine to shoot ducks, file my nails, and on occasion, paint my fence.
Marge: Homer, guns aren't tools!
Homer: Oh, is that so? Then I suppose a gun is a lot like an alligator. It can bite your head off, but you don't hear me comparing the two.
Homer Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest weapon, please.
Gun Store Clerk: Well, you're in luck. We just got in a shipment of the new semi-automatic uzis.
Homer: Eh, I was thinking of something more... casual.
Gun Store Clerk: Oh, in that case, the deadliest weapon we have is located right next to our sympathy cards.
Bart: Dad, can I borrow your gun? I need it for some criminal stuff.
Homer: Well, did you finish your chores?
Bart: No.
Homer: Then no gun. And I want to see your report card before we talk about any crimes.
All Jokes — 65 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer Physical/Slapstick Running Gag Bart: Dad, how come you never came to any of my soccer games?
Homer: Soccer? I thought you said you were gonna be a lumberjack.
Bart: I never said that!
Homer: Well, that's what I heard. Anyway, I was busy that day.
Bart: Which day? I played the whole season!
Homer: All of them.
Bart Homer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here are some of the world's greatest soccer players: Señor Kické, Juan Footé, and Miguel Ballsworth!
Homer: I have no idea who any of those guys are.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most important soccer match in the history of sports!
Bart: Dad, can we please go?
Lisa: We've never asked you for anything!
Homer: Soccer? Did you say soccer?! We're going! We're going right now! I love soccer! Let's go!
Moe: Yeah, well if the Isotopes lose this game, I'm gonna kill myself!
Moe: And if they win, I'm gonna kill myself out of joy!
Moe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.
Marge Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: Excuse me, where's the hot dog stand?
Vendor: This is a paella stand, señor.
Homer: Paella? I don't know what that is. Does it have hot dogs in it?
Vendor: No, it has seafood and rice.
Homer: Eh, close enough. I'll take a large.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Homer: Oh my God, it's really Pelé!
Pelé: Hello, my friends. Have you tried a nice, cold Coca-Cola?
Homer Pelé Meta/Self-Referential Absurdist ★ Rewatch Homer: Come on, somebody score! It's been twenty minutes!
Marge: Homer, it's only been five minutes.
Homer: Five minutes?! That's like four minutes too long! Where's the action? Where's the explosions?
Bart: Dad, it's soccer, not hockey.
Homer: Exactly! No hockey! That's the problem!
Homer Observational Character Comedy Homer: And the ball is still in play. Still in play. Still in play. Still in play. Still in play. Still in play. Still in play. Still in play.
Homer: Wow, what a game!
Homer Escalation Observational Principal Skinner: Now, gentlemen, let's all just calm down and remember, it's only a game.
Moe: Oh, that's easy for you to say, you four-eyed twerp!
Groundskeeper Willie: Och, that's a proper riot! Five stars, would riot again!
Marge: We have to get out of here!
Homer: But Marge, we're rioting! Woohoo! Burn! Destroy! Kill! Uh, steal! Rape! We're out of controls!
Homer: Mmm, donuts.
Kent Brockman: We're reporting live from the scene of last night's riot. Authorities are calling it a 'traditional soccer riot,' and have officially declared mob rule to be in effect.
Ned Flanders: Excuse me, fellas, I don't mean to be a bother, but that's my TV you're carrying off. Would you mind awfully terribly if I asked you nicely to return it?
Looter: Get outta here, old man!
Ned Flanders: Well, if you insist on keeping it, the least you could do is return my set of encyclopedias. They're educational, diddly-doodly!
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. This house is Fort Knox. I installed a state-of-the-art burglar alarm system.
Marge: That's wonderful, Homer.
Homer: Nothing can get past—
CRASH! The fish tank smashes through the window. A burglar climbs through with the alarm system in his hands, beeping uselessly.
Burglar: Thanks for the easy access!
Security System Salesman: Of course, the previous owners might still be in the house.
Homer Simpson: What?!
Security System Salesman: It happens more often than you'd think. They get attached to the place, refuse to leave. Last week, I found a guy living in somebody's crawl space for three years.
Marge Simpson: Oh my God!
Security System Salesman: Don't worry, the new security system will flush 'em out.
Security System Salesman: This top-of-the-line system has one tiny flaw: the air ducts are rigged with lethal nerve gas. In case of burglary, the gas is automatically released.
Marge: But wouldn't that kill us too?
Security System Salesman: Well, not if you're wearing one of these protective suits. Although I'm not entirely sure about suffocation.
Homer: I'll take it!
Security System Salesman: Think about your family. What's their safety worth to you? You can't put a price on it.
Homer: Oh yes you can. I've already done it. I'd say Marge is worth about $5,000, the kids are worth $2,000 each, and I'm worth $10,000.
Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest weapon, please.
Gun Store Clerk: Well, you're in luck. We just got in a shipment of the new semi-automatic uzis.
Homer: Eh, I was thinking of something more... casual.
Gun Store Clerk: Oh, in that case, the deadliest weapon we have is located right next to our sympathy cards.
Gun Store Clerk: Now remember, you've got to be careful with that gun.
Homer: A gun? I'm not careful!
Homer: That's why I got the gun!
Gun Store Clerk: That's the opposite of a silencer - it makes guns louder.
Gun Store Clerk: We have silencers, scopes, clips...
Gun Store Clerk: And this here's a loudener.
Homer: A loudener?
Gun Store Clerk: Yeah, it makes it louder.
Gun Store Clerk: And this is a speed-cocker.
Homer: Speed-cocker?
Gun Store Clerk: Fires three times faster.
Gun Store Clerk: This baby can take down a police helicopter.
Homer: Yet.
Homer: What?! A five-day waiting period? But I'm mad NOW!
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: If you didn't have those guns to protect yourself, I'd... I'd...
Homer: I'd challenge you to a duel at high noon!
Homer Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Bart: Dad, why do you keep muttering to yourself at 3 AM?
Homer: I can't sleep, boy. Your mother kicked me out of the bedroom.
Bart: Again?
Homer: What do you mean 'again'? This is the first time!
Marge: Homer, you snore like a chainsaw.
Homer: I do not!
Homer: Why do I have to wait five days to buy a gun? Don't they know I'm angry NOW?
Homer: I need a gun like I need food or water. It's a basic need!
Homer Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Gun Store Clerk: Let's see here... drug offenses, homicidal tendencies, another drug offense...
Homer: That's all behind me now.
Gun Store Clerk: It also says here you tried to kill the President.
Homer: Well, yeah, but he's not President anymore. I think you'll find he's a *former* President.
Homer: Wait, it says 'potentially dangerous' on the box. Does that mean I shouldn't buy it?
Gun Store Clerk: Nah, you can still buy three.
Homer: Look Marge, I got a gun! It's got a little red dot that tells you where the bullet's gonna go. And this part here? That's the part that makes it go boom. And this trigger... well, let's just say it's the part that makes people stop moving forever.
Marge: Homer!
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Marge: Homer, remember when Mr. Burns was shot?
Homer: Yeah, and I still don't know who did it.
Marge: Homer, you were there that day.
Homer: I was? Then who shot him?
Marge Homer Meta/Self-Referential Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Bart: Dad, can I borrow your gun? I need it for some criminal stuff.
Homer: Well, did you finish your chores?
Bart: No.
Homer: Then no gun. And I want to see your report card before we talk about any crimes.
Homer: The Second Amendment says I have the right to bear arms! It was written by the Founding Fathers, and what was good enough for 1776 is good enough for today!
Lisa: Dad, that logic is completely outdated. By that reasoning, you should also be allowed to own a cannon and a musket, and you should settle disputes by challenging people to duels.
Homer: Well, now you're just being ridiculous.
Homer: Guns are tools, Marge. Why, I use mine to shoot ducks, file my nails, and on occasion, paint my fence.
Marge: Homer, guns aren't tools!
Homer: Oh, is that so? Then I suppose a gun is a lot like an alligator. It can bite your head off, but you don't hear me comparing the two.
Homer Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch NRA Instructor: An assault weapon is just a gun. People misunderstand what they do. They don't kill people any more than a stapler does.
NRA Instructor: Sure, it looks scary. But so does a grizzly bear, and that's not banned.
NRA Instructor: Besides, what if you're attacked by a super animal? A super bear? A super moose? You'd want an assault weapon then.
Moe: Yeah, so this guy comes in with a gun, right? And I'm like, 'Not today, pal.' So I grab the shotgun from under the bar and—BAM!—I blow his legs clean off.
Moe: Now he crawls in here every morning for his coffee. I don't even charge him anymore.
Moe Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Homer: I'm telling you, guns are essential for home protection. A man's got to protect what's important to him.
Marge: Homer, what about your family? Isn't that what's most important?
Homer: Of course, Marge. My family... and Moe's bar.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Apu: Homer! You are robbing my store!
Homer: No, no, I'm just shopping.
Apu: You have a gun!
Homer: It's a squirt gun.
Homer: You know what? Since you already think I'm robbing you, I might as well do it.
Apu Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: All right, I'll just rob this place.
Homer: Oh, the door's locked. Well, I'll come back tomorrow.
Homer Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Lisa: Dad, can you help me with my science project?
Homer: Sure, sweetie!
Lisa: I need to launch this ball at a specific trajectory.
Homer: Say no more.
Homer: *shoots the ball down with his gun*
Homer: Why, I've got a gun for every household task. Dishes piling up? I'll shoot 'em!
Homer: This means war!
Homer Absurdist Character Comedy Marge: Homer, I've told you a hundred times - no guns in this house!
Homer: But Marge, I'm not bringing a gun into the house. I'm leaving it in the garage.
Marge: Homer, that's still having a gun!
Homer: Technically, the garage is not the house. I checked the deed.
Homer: Alright, let me just engage the safety here...
Homer: How does this work again?
Homer: D'oh!
Homer: Why is there a bullet hole in the wall?
Homer Physical/Slapstick Irony/Sarcasm Bart: Wow, Dad! That was awesome!
Homer: Thanks, son.
Bart: Can you do it again?
Marge: Absolutely not!
Bart Reaction Beat Character Comedy Milhouse: Hey, where are all the frozen treats? I'm dying here!
Bart: Actually, they're frozen desserts, not treats.
Milhouse: Well, I'm gonna climb up and get them myself!
Milhouse: Do you have any Edy's ice cream?
Clerk: You mean Edith's?
Milhouse: Yeah, Edith's.
Bart: It's pronounced 'Edy's,' you idiot.
Homer: I hid the gun in the vegetable crisper. I figured it would be safe there because the kids never go near vegetables.
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Homer: I didn't get rid of the gun. I just hid it really well.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What? You said to get rid of it. I got rid of it... from your view.
Homer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Homer: I'm an excellent cook! I've mastered every culinary technique known to man.
Homer Visual Gag Character Comedy Marge: Do you know any good motels?
Patty: Well, there's the Forget-Me-Not over on Route 6.
Selma: We stayed there once... at least, that's what they tell us.
Homer: Wait, it just needs to be plugged in? All this time I've been trying to turn it on by hitting it!
Homer: D'oh!
Homer Visual Gag Reaction Beat Moe: What the--? These Oreos are irregular!
Moe: The cream filling is off to one side... Oh wait, that's just a hair.
Moe Visual Gag Reaction Beat Selma: Homer, I know we've had our differences, but I think you're kind of cute. What do you say?
Patty: Whoa, whoa, whoa! He's married to Marge, you idiot!
Selma: I know that, Patty. I was just making a joke.
Patty: Well, it's not funny. And besides, you could do way better than him.
NRA Member: You're holding that gun all wrong!
Homer: Oh yeah? Watch this.
Homer: I can shoot it while I'm driving!
NRA Member: No! No! Put it down!
Homer: And I can use it to change the channel!
NRA Member: You're dumber than a box of rocks!
Homer: Hey! I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not dumber than a box of rocks. I'm dumber than a box of... hammers.
NRA Member: Now remember, always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction.
Homer: Like at England?
NRA Member: No, not at England.
Bart: Yeah, I'd like to order some room service. Can you send up like... 50 wake-up calls for 3 AM?
Hotel Clerk: Sir, that's not how room service works.
Bart: Oh man, you're no fun. What if I make it worth your while?
Hotel Clerk: I'm hanging up now.
Bart: Ay caramba!
Bart Character Comedy Misdirection Homer: There's a camera in here somewhere. I can feel it watching me.
Male Voice: No there isn't.
Homer: Yes there is! I can sense it!
Male Voice: No, there really isn't.
Homer: Marge? Marge, honey?
Mayor Quimby: Vote Quimby!
Homer: Aaah!
Homer: Wait a minute... if I'm too stupid to understand that I'm too stupid to understand things, then I'm not stupid enough to understand that I'm stupid... D'oh!
Homer Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Snake: This is a robbery!
Homer: Not so fast!
Mayor Quimby: Vote Quimby! Re-elect me in November!
Homer: Mr. Mayor, there's a robbery happening!
Mayor Quimby: I know, but the camera's here! Vote Quimby!
Homer: See, I was gonna get rid of the gun, but then...
Snake: Hands up, man! That's a nice piece!
Homer: Hey! That's my gun!
Snake: Not anymore, dude!
Homer: You know, I think gun ownership is a lot like having the power of God himself.
Homer: With just the flick of my finger, I can end a life in an instant.
Homer: It's like being a god... except I have to pay taxes and follow traffic laws.
Homer Dark/Subversive Absurdist ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — The Simpsons
