Much Apu About Nothing

Homer:D'oh!

Ned:Sweet mother of macadamia nuts! A bear!

Ned:Well, I'd best fill out the proper forms in triplicate before I panic.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. A dangerous bear has been spotted in the Springfield area. Authorities warn residents to stay indoors and lock their doors.

Kent Brockman:The bear, which appears to be quite large and aggressive, may be looking for food... or perhaps employment. Yes, in this tough economy, even bears are job hunting.

Kent Brockman:I'm standing here outside the home of local resident... *squints at mailbox* ...Impson. The Impson family.

Homer:D'oh! A bear! Wait... do we have enough beer?

Homer:Wait, I'm trapped inside? Well, I better go outside to buy more beer.

Homer:I'll just slip out of here with grace and dignity.

Homer:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Homer:Goodbye, Mr. Bear. You're a good guy. Don't let the humans get you down.

Homer:Sweet dreams, buddy.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.

Chief Wiggum:You're under arrest for being a bear.

Chief Wiggum:We take that very seriously here in Springfield.

Chief Wiggum:We also have a report of a stolen rubber ball, and attempted murder.

Homer:I've been through hell and back! My coffee was lukewarm, the toaster only popped up once instead of twice, and don't even get me started on how the remote was all the way across the room. I nearly didn't survive!

Moe:Yeah, yeah, those bears are a real problem. You know what we need? We need to deal with 'em once and for all.

Moe:I'm thinkin' we set up traps, poison, maybe call in some professionals...

Moe:Hell, at this point I'd take the Jungle Cruise — except with real bullets!

Homer:We're under constant bear attack! They're everywhere! One just walked past the window!

Ned:Well, actually Homer, there's only been the one bear.

Crowd:We're here, we're queer, we don't want bears here!

Homer:I learned it at the mustache parade.

Homer:It works! Bear patrol! I haven't seen a bear in days!

Lisa:But Dad, that's specious reasoning. The fact that you haven't seen a bear doesn't mean the bear patrol is working.

Homer:Yeah, how do you explain that? By Lou Gehrig's disease?

Lisa:By the nonexistence of the bear.

Homer:Oh, how did I miss that? Lisa, I want you to consider the possibility that I put the bear patrol out of business, or at least changed its scope considerably. You could say the bear patrol is not just for beating up bears—it's beaten up by bears.

Lisa:Dad, that makes no sense at all.

Homer:Thanks, sweetie!

Homer:D'oh! A compliment!

Lisa:That's a logical fallacy. Just because two things happen together doesn't mean one caused the other. It's called correlation versus causation.

Lisa:For example, I've noticed that every time I eat a hamburger, I gain weight. But that doesn't mean the hamburger caused it. It could be the fries, or the soda, or the fact that I haven't exercised since the Reagan administration.

Lisa:Or like, studies show that people who wear glasses are smarter. But glasses don't make you smart — smart people just need glasses more because they read so much.

Lisa:Dad, this rock keeps tigers away.

Homer:Wow! A tiger-repelling rock? How much?

Homer:What?! A five dollar tax increase?! This is the biggest tax increase in history!

Homer:This is the worst day of my life!

Lisa:Dad, you say that every day.

Homer:Yeah, but this time I mean it!

Homer:Wait a minute. 'Homeowner tax'? That's named after me!

Marge:No, Homer. A homeowner is someone who owns a home.

Homer:Oh! Oh yeah...

Mayor Quimby:Are the people of Springfield getting dumber?

Aide:Yes sir, the latest surveys show a sharp decline in education and overall intelligence.

Mayor Quimby:Eh, good news for my re-election campaign.

Mayor Quimby:Do these people have any idea what they're protesting?

Aide:No, sir.

Moe:Yeah, and those illegals are probably scared of bears too. So they come here looking for a bear-free country, but all they find is bears. It's like they're attracted to 'em or something.

Moe:I always knew it was them im-migrants causing all the trouble!

Mayor Quimby:It's 'immigrants,' Moe.

Moe:That's what I said, im-migrants!

Homer Simpson:We need to keep out all those immigrants! They're taking our jobs!

Lenny Leonard:Yeah! And they're from Germania too!

Carl Carlson:Germania? Where's that?

Lenny Leonard:I dunno, but I hate it!

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, leave the wee exchange student alone! Pick on me instead!

Principal Skinner:Willie, I appreciate your offer, but bullying is never acceptable.

Principal Skinner:However, if you were a student your own age, it would be perfectly appropriate.

Homer:Immigrants! That's what's wrong with this country. They come over here, take our jobs, and ruin everything!

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense. Bart's academic problems have nothing to do with immigration.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, if there weren't so many immigrants around, Bart would probably be a straight-A student!

Homer:The immigrants are taking all the jobs, and now they're taking our education!

Bart:Yeah, Dad, that's why I'm failing math. An illegal alien stole my brain.

Grandpa Simpson:Well, let me tell you about the old country. We came over on a boat, sailed for weeks. I remember the smell of the sea, the sound of the waves...

Homer:Yeah, yeah, Dad. Which country are you from again?

Grandpa Simpson:What? Oh, uh... you know, I can't quite remember. Was it Italy? No, no... maybe it was Ireland? Or was it Sweden? Ah, who cares, they're all the same anyway.

Grandpa Simpson:America was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Grandpa Simpson:You know, sliced bread was only invented in 1928.

Grandpa Simpson:When I came to America, I had nothing but the clothes on my back and a hat full of garbage.

Grandpa Simpson:Now I've got the clothes on my back and a hat full of garbage.

Homer:You're an immigrant?!

Apu:I am an immigrant from India.

Homer:What?! An immigrant?! But you... you have an accent!

Apu:I have made a terrible mistake leaving America. I miss the simple pleasures - the consumerism, the drive-thru banking, the fear of other cultures.

Apu:What have I done to me?

Homer:Wait, what did Proposition 24 actually do?

Lisa:Dad, it cut funding for schools and hospitals.

Homer:Oh no! I voted for it because I thought it would help!

Marge:Homer, you never read it, did you?

Homer:Well, at least scapegoating the poor is fun!

Moe:Yeah, those are nice sentimonies, Barney.

Apu:Yes, I graduated from Cal Tech.

Homer:Cal Tech? Wow!

Apu:Calcutta Technical Institute.

Teacher:Apu, you're the top student in a class of seven million!

Apu:Thank you, but with a class size of seven million, being top student is hardly an achievement.

Professor Frink:In the future, computers will become smaller and more powerful, eventually fitting in the palm of your hand!

Professor Frink:And monitors will be paper-thin, displays will be holographic, and processing speeds will be instantaneous!

Professor Frink:Of course, I'm probably completely wrong about all of this. Giggity!

Professor Frink:Well, if my calculations are correct, the computer can predict your perfect mate with 100% accuracy!

Homer:Wow! So the computer will find my soulmate?

Professor Frink:In theory, yes! But therein lies the problem, d'oh! If we knew with absolute certainty who our perfect match was, there would be no anticipation, no mystery, no romance!

Homer:So what you're saying is... ignorance is bliss?

Professor Frink:Precisely! The uncertainty is what makes love special, eh-heh-heh!

Apu:I wrote my Ph.D. thesis on the mathematical applications of tic-tac-toe.

Apu:Five hundred pages of rigorous analysis, groundbreaking theorems, revolutionary insights.

Apu:All to prove that if both players know what they're doing, the game always ends in a draw.

Apu:I have created a tic-tac-toe program so advanced, it will challenge the greatest minds on Earth!

Apu:Behold! It is unbeatable!

Homer:Oh yeah? Watch this.

Apu:No! It is not possible! You have beaten my program!

Marge:You know Apu, I admire you. You work hard, you provide for your family, you don't complain. You're just like an American!

Bart:I'm using this fake ID to experience adultivity!

Fake ID maker:Alright, I'll create a fake American identity for you.

Apu:Excellent! But please, make sure the surname is easy to pronounce.

Fake ID maker:Done. Your new name is... Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

Apu:That's still impossible to pronounce!

Apu:I am very American! I root for the local sports team with great enthusiasm!

Apu:Go, Springfield Isotopes squadron!

Apu:Yes, I have replaced the sacred elephant statue with photos of American celebrities.

Apu:Look at their dead eyes. So full of despair.

Apu:Yes, my passport is fake. I got it for only $2,000.

Apu:That's cheap!

Homer:That was beautiful, Apu. You know, I've never heard anything so moving. It's like... it's like a cold beer on Christmas.

Selma:I've been married so many times, I have a frequent flyer card for the wedding aisle. Mrs. Bouvier, Mrs. Szyslak, Mrs. Burns, Mrs. Flanders... I can't even remember which name I'm using this week.

Selma:I can't even pronounce Apu's name correctly, and now I'm supposed to marry him?

Homer:Hey Apu, I got it! You can live in a balloon! They can't deport you if you're not in any country!

Lisa:Grandfather clause.

Homer:Grandfather clause? Lisa, you're not as dumb as me!

Homer:Okay Apu, how many stars are on the American flag?

Apu:Fifty, one for each state.

Homer:Fifty? I thought there were forty-eight.

Apu:The flag has 49 stars because we are still waiting for the 50th state to join the union.

Homer:Which state?

Apu:I am not certain, but I have faith it will arrive soon.

Homer:The electoral college is... uh... the electrical college!

Apu:The principal causes of the Civil War were the geographical disputes inherent in a nation half slave and half free...

Test examiner:No, no, just one word.

Apu:Slavery.

Apu:I am now a citizen of United States of America! Now I can finally collect welfare and live off the government like a true American!

Apu:I am joking of course. I have eight children and three jobs. I have not time for welfare.

Apu:I am now a citizen! Soon I will be able to vote, own a gun and receive welfare!

Homer:Welcome to the club, pal.

Apu:Of course, I do not plan to use the welfare. I have a job.

Lisa:A true American is a Native American.

Homer:Oh, you mean someone born in America?

Apu:Yes, like me! I was born in Springfield General Hospital.

Marge:I'm not very good at public speaking. Every time I try to give a speech, I just end up saying 'um' and 'uh' a lot, and my hair gets all frizzy from the stress.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you some election results. Proposition 24, which would eliminate the letter Q, has passed overwhelmingly. Democracy simply doesn't work.

Apu:I'm so happy to be an American citizen!

Homer:Welcome to America. You're on jury duty.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, ye can all celebrate while they're deportin' me back to Scotland! But I'll have the last laugh, ye hear me? When ye need yer grass cut next spring, ye'll be beggin' for Willie to come back!