The One With The East German Laundry Det

Ross:Well, you see, the clasp is usually in the back, and you have to find it with your fingers, and then you apply just the right amount of pressure to release it. It's like a sophisticated locking mechanism. And then, if you're really skilled, you can slide it off with one hand while maintaining eye contact. It's an art form, really.

MONICA:I can do that.

CHANDLER:No, you can't.

MONICA:Why not? How hard can it be?

CHANDLER:Well, for starters, you don't have the necessary equipment.

MONICA:So? I'm determined!

Joey:Wait, so women can only have babies like one month out of the year?

Monica:No, Joey, women ovulate once a month, but they can get pregnant during a specific window.

Joey:So what are they doing the other eleven months? Just... not working?

PHOEBE:We have a G-spot!

CHANDLER:Could I BE any more nervous? I mean, what if she doesn't like me? What if I say something stupid? What if I trip walking to the door? Oh God, what if there IS no door and I just walk into a wall?

CHANDLER:Saturday night is going to be amazing. I've got big plans.

CHANDLER:Actually, I have no plans whatsoever.

JOEY:You just gotta rip the band-aid off, you know? Go in there, look 'em in the eye, and tell 'em it's over. No note, no text, no—

OTHER CHARACTER:Wait, how did you break up with your last girlfriend?

JOEY:I wrote her a note.

OTHER CHARACTER:You just said no note!

JOEY:Yeah, well... it was a really nice note. I even drew a little picture at the bottom.

JOEY:You gotta be a man about these things. You can't just run away from your problems.

JOEY:You gotta face her, tell her it's over, and then... change your phone number, move to a new apartment, and never go to that coffee shop again.

MONICA:I'm breaking up with Tony because he's on a hunger strike and it's affecting our relationship.

PHOEBE:What's the matter? Why so scrunchie?

RACHEL:My father offered me a Mercedes.

RACHEL:I know, I know, it sounds amazing, but there are strings attached.

RACHEL:He wants me to actually talk to him once a month.

RACHEL:My father is like a disco song with backup vocals. He's got his main message, and then there's just constant criticism in the background.

Joey:I don't want to seem too eager.

Joey:I'll play it cool, wait a few minutes.

Joey:Hey Angela!

NARRATOR:[Three seconds later]

JOEY:You look great today.

RACHEL:Thanks. I'm wearing a push-up bra.

ROSS:Okay, okay, so I'm at the copy place, right? And I bump into Carol. Then—get this—I go to the coffee shop, and she's there! Same coffee shop!

CHANDLER:That's... where she works.

ROSS:I KNOW that now!

ROSS:There are rats in my laundry room. Big ones. They come out of the dryers.

CHANDLER:Rats come out of the dryers?

ROSS:Yeah, they're like, all fluffy from the lint.

Monica:Look, Bob is a nice guy, but Joey is... well, Joey is Joey.

Monica:He's been 'working' in show business for how long now? And what has he actually done? A couple of bit parts, some commercial work...

Monica:Bob has a real job, a real apartment, and he doesn't spend his entire day at a coffee shop pretending to be a World War I soldier.

JOEY:So what do you say? You, me, Chandler, and my girlfriend... uh... Babette.

CHANDLER:Babette?

JOEY:Yeah, she's French.

Monica:Oh, Joey, no. Remember the last time you set me up? That guy thought 'Cats' was a documentary.

MONICA:Oh my God, what is Ugly Naked Guy doing?

RACHEL:I don't know, but he's been out on his fire escape for like three hours.

MONICA:Wait, is he... is he painting his apartment?

RACHEL:I think so? Why would he choose to do that now?

MONICA:Because of course he would. We're about to have dinner guests.

RACHEL:Monica, no one cares about Ugly Naked Guy's apartment.

MONICA:I care! We can see directly into his place from my dining room table!

RACHEL:So what? He's improving the view.

MONICA:He's naked, Rachel. He's painting while completely naked.

ROSS:Okay, so I'm thinking we separate the whites from the colors, because if we don't, the colors could bleed onto the whites and ruin everything.

CHANDLER:Ross, it's laundry, not a hostage situation.

ROSS:Oh, that's what you think. But wait until you have a pink shirt that used to be white. Then we'll talk about strategy.

ROSS:You see, the thing about doing laundry is you got to separate the whites from the colors, and then you have to check all the pockets, and make sure you use the right water temperature...

ROSS:Actually, it's just... throw it in the wash.

ROSS:Wait, so you're telling me you wear dirty underwear to do laundry?

CHANDLER:Well, yeah. You wear your last clean pair until you absolutely have to wash.

ROSS:But that means... when you meet someone at the laundromat, they see you with your dirtiest underwear.

CHANDLER:...I never thought about it that way.

ROSS:You're making a first impression covered in your own filth!

ROSS:Look, Snuggles is a bear. Bears are strong, powerful animals. Using Snuggles doesn't make me less masculine—it makes me secure enough in my masculinity to appreciate softness and comfort.

CHANDLER:Ross, the bear is wearing a bonnet.

ROSS:A very masculine bonnet.

Monica:Bob could be horribly... attractive.

Monica:Did I just say that out loud?

Chandler:Hey, spending time together? That's great! We should do this every day!

Monica:Oh yeah, every single day. And then we can adopt some puppies and murder them in their sleep. It'll be so much fun!

Monica:Oh yeah, because running over puppies is really high on my to-do list. Right after 'organize closet' and 'learn to yodel.'

Chandler:Well, if you do organize that closet, maybe you could fit a yodeling puppy in there.

CHANDLER:I'm wearing Rocky and Bullwinkle socks. One sock is Rocky, one sock is Bullwinkle. I like to think of it as a mix-and-match situation.

Chandler:The breakup was really difficult.

Monica:Yeah, I could tell by the way you two hugged so gently.

RACHEL:Excuse me, I think that's my washing machine.

LAUNDRY WOMAN:I think it's not.

LAUNDRY WOMAN:You can't just leave your clothes in the machine like that!

RACHEL:What? I was coming right back!

LAUNDRY WOMAN:No suds, no save. That's the rule.

RACHEL:That's not a rule!

LAUNDRY WOMAN:It is now.

ROSS:Okay, okay, everyone just calm down. There's no need for any of this. We're all adults here.

ROSS:So why don't we all just take a deep breath and remember that we're all just trying to do our laundry.

ROSS:I'm sure if we just talk about this like civilized people, we can work something out.

Rachel:Oh my God, you actually stood up to her? That was so brave!

Rachel:I can't even send back soup at a restaurant. Last week I got a bowl of clam chowder and I'm allergic to clams. I ate the whole thing and then I sent her a nice card.

ROSS:This German detergent is amazing! It cuts through grease like nothing you've ever seen. Your whites will be whiter, your colors more vibrant. It's tough on stains, gentle on fabrics. Available at fine retailers everywhere!

RACHEL:I've never done laundry before. Is it... is it hard?

MONICA:Rachel, have you seriously never washed your own clothes?

RACHEL:Well, my father always said I was a laundry virgin.

Ross:Well, don't worry. I'll be very gentle.

Rachel:Thank you.

Ross:After all, it is your first time.

RACHEL:So how many times can you wear underwear before it has to be washed?

ROSS:Once.

RACHEL:What?

ROSS:Once. You wear it once, then you wash it.

RACHEL:Oh. So... never twice?

ROSS:No. Once. That's... that's the whole thing about underwear.

MONICA:So, how's your family?

BOB:Oh, they're great. My sister Angela and I are very close.

MONICA:That's nice. What do you two like to do together?

ANGELA:Well, Bob likes to collect porcelain dolls and I'm a professional skydiver who's wanted for tax evasion.

MONICA:Oh...

BOB:We're very different.

MONICA:Why does my arm feel like it's falling asleep when I'm not even using it?

CHANDLER:Maybe because you're leaning on it?

MONICA:No, I'm not leaning on anything!

ROSS:Is it tingling?

MONICA:Yes! Exactly! But why would it be tingling if nothing's wrong with it?

RACHEL:You might be cutting off the circulation without realizing it.

MONICA:But I'm literally just sitting here eating dinner!

CHANDLER:Well, that's the mystery of Monica Geller, everybody.

Bob reminiscing about Angela. His romantic memory devolving into unflattering animal comparisons

BOB:But it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.

Angela:Bob's so good in bed, he can make me come just by—

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are you telling me this?

Angela:What? You're my brother, I can tell you anything!

Joey:Yeah, well, some things I didn't need to know about my sister's love life.

Chandler:Okay, I can do this. It's like ripping off a band-aid. Quick and painless.

Chandler:Actually, no. It's like ripping off a band-aid that's been on for three years and has become one with your skin.

Ross:So I'm telling this story, right? And I'm really getting into it, the pacing is perfect, the audience is hanging on every word—

Ross:We'll be right back!

Ross:It's a Geller family tradition. Every Thanksgiving, we sing a song about the turkey.

Monica:No we don't.

Ross:Yes we do! Come on, everyone knows this!

Ross:♪ Oh, the turkey on the table, and the cranberry sauce... ♪

ROSS:Rachel, I need to talk to you about something that happened with your laundry.

RACHEL:Oh no. What did you do?

ROSS:I may have... washed a red sock with your whites.

RACHEL:Ross! No!

ROSS:Everything turned pink. Your entire load is pink.

RACHEL:Everything?!

ROSS:Well, everything except the red sock. That stayed its original color.

Rachel:Oh my God, I look like a piece of Easter candy!

Bob:So there I am, watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, right? And Underdog's balloon starts losing air. At first it's funny, you know? But then his head just... deflates. Completely. And it's flopping down the street like some kind of sad, rubber pancake. I'm standing there thinking, 'Is this really happening? Is Underdog just... dying in front of me?'

MONICA:Bob and Angela are always all over each other. It's kind of gross.

JOEY:Hey, what's wrong with that? I think it's sweet.

MONICA:Well, there's a time and a place.

JOEY:Oh, so you're saying you and Ross should get a room?

Joey:Okay, so here's what we do. We tell Chandler that Monica said she doesn't think he's that funny.

Monica:What? No!

Joey:Then we tell Monica that Chandler said her cooking is just 'okay.'

Chandler:I would never say that!

Joey:They'll be broken up by Thursday.

Monica:You're doing it again!

Angela:*makes nibbling noise* I'll have the Caesar salad, please.

Chandler:Monica, I have to tell you something. I think we should see other people.

Monica:What? Why would you say that?

Chandler:Because I... I can't do this anymore. I need to break up with you.

Monica:Chandler, what are you talking about?

Chandler:I'm serious, Monica. I think it's over between us.

Monica:Oh my God! You're breaking up with me?

Chandler:Yes, I... OW! OW! OW!

Monica:What happened?

Chandler:I think I broke my arm! I'm dying! Call 911! This is the worst day of my life! I can't believe you made me break my arm during a breakup!

PHOEBE:Oh, I just told her you were dead.

CHANDLER:You told her I was dead?

PHOEBE:Yeah, she seemed to take it pretty well.

Chandler:Thank you so much for helping me, Phoebe. You're a lifesaver.

Phoebe:Oh, you're welcome! Hey, we should always be there for each other.

Chandler:Absolutely. No matter what happens, we'll always have each other's backs.

Phoebe:Even when we're old and miserable and hate each other.

Chandler:Especially then.

RACHEL:Excuse me, this is my cart.

LAUNDRY WOMAN:Oh honey, if you're worried about losing things, you should be more concerned about your youth.

RACHEL:You know what? I'm done. I'm done being walked all over. I'm taking a stand right here, right now, in front of this laundry cart.

RACHEL:And I'm telling you — you either start treating me with respect, or we're through. And I mean it this time!

Rachel:I did it! I stood up to her! I actually stood up to the laundry woman!

Ross:That's great! I'm so proud of you!

Rachel:I know! This changes everything. I'm a new person now.

Ross:You are! You're like a completely different Rachel!

Rachel:I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I can take on the world!

Ross:You can! You just told off a laundry woman!

Rachel:Oh my God, what did you do to my clothes?!

Phoebe:I didn't do anything, you washed a red sock with your whites.

Rachel:Well, can you fix it?

Phoebe:Actually, I think it's kind of cool. Very haute couture. Very now.

Rachel:Phoebe, it's pink! It's supposed to be white!

Phoebe:I'm keeping mine like this. I'm starting a whole new line. I'm calling it 'Accidentally Pink.'

Monica:Well, the date was a disaster. He spilled wine on her, she insulted his mother, and they broke up before dessert.

Monica:But I got to keep the breadbasket, so I'd call that a win.

CHANDLER:She's gone! She's finally gone! I'm free! I'm free!

CHANDLER:Do you know what this means? No more nasal voice, no more 'Oh my God!', no more... Janice!

CHANDLER:I can breathe again. I can think again. I can be myself again!