The One With The Butt

Monica:Oh my God, look! There's Joey!

Chandler:Wait, that's an ad for his play? I thought it was a warning label.

Rachel:What does it say?

Chandler:'Caution: May cause existential dread and the sudden urge to leave the theater.'

Chandler:Oh my God! A theatrical exclamation point!

Joey:My mother, she never understood me. Ze psyche, it is a mysterious thing, ja?

Joey:I vill spend my life analyzing ze deepest vounds of ze human soul.

Joey:It's called 'The Ballad of the Pants Snake.' *singing* My little noodle, my little wiener schnitzel, tucked away in my trousers where nobody knows him...

Audience:*collective grimace and uncomfortable silence*

Monica:That was like watching someone try to pass a kidney stone made of another kidney stone.

Ross:So when do you think we should get together again?

Phoebe:Well, I'm thinking... three o'clock?

Ross:Three o'clock? That's pretty soon.

Phoebe:No, look. Three o'clock.

Chandler:Could she BE any more attractive? I mean, this is it. This is my soulmate. We're gonna get married, have kids, grow old together...

Chandler:Actually, she just looked at me like I'm furniture.

Chandler:I need you to tell me I'm not hopeless. That I can do this.

Ross:You're hopeless.

Monica:You're not a nothing guy, Chandler. You're a great guy.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:Yes! You're funny, you're smart, you're... you're a catch!

Chandler:So why do I feel like a nothing guy?

Monica:Because you ARE a nothing guy! I mean... no, wait, that came out wrong.

Chandler:Hi, I'm Chandler. Chandler Bing. Bing is my last name. Chandler's my first name. I'm Chandler Bing.

Chandler:Wait, did I just say that? I feel like I just said that.

Chandler:Could I BE any more repetitive? Could I BE any more repetitive?

Chandler:Okay, so anyway, I wanted to ask if anyone wants to grab coffee later but I really have to go, bye!

Joey:So what did you guys think of my performance?

Rachel:It was so... you.

Ross:Yeah, really... something.

Joey:Come on, be honest.

Rachel:It was so... you.

Ross:Yeah, really... something.

Joey:Hey, come on! That play was good! You didn't even see my face the whole time.

Chandler:Yeah, that was the good part.

Joey:Oh, please! Remember when I played that tree? At least you could see my head in this one!

Chandler:I got a date! I got a date!

Joey:That's great, man!

Chandler:I know! And get this—she actually thinks I'm funny!

Joey:Well, of course she does.

Chandler:Really?

Joey:Yeah. I mean, compared to my acting, you're hilarious.

Chandler:My new girlfriend, she's great. She mispronounces my name constantly. She calls me 'Chandler' instead of 'Chandler.' I love it.

Joey:Oh my God, oh my God! I think she's gonna sign me! This is it, Chandler, this is finally it!

Chandler:Joey, that play was terrible.

Joey:I know!

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! What is this, a meeting? Did someone die? Please tell me someone died.

Chandler:Because if nobody died, why is everyone ignoring me? I'm very needy!

Aurora:Tell me one of your stories. My life is so exciting, I'd love to hear about yours.

Chandler:Well, one time I took the subway to Brooklyn.

Aurora:We went to Paris last summer, visited all the museums, had the most amazing time!

Chandler:That sounds incredible! Who's 'we'?

Aurora:Oh, my husband and I.

Chandler:Hoping her husband is dead

Chandler:I mean, is this appropriate? We barely know each other.

Joey:Are you kidding? Her foot is practically massaging your—

Aurora:Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because he's okay with Ethan.

Chandler:Who's Ethan?

Aurora:Oh, he's my husband.

Chandler:Your husband?

Aurora:Well, and my boyfriend.

Chandler:What kind of relationship could we have?

Aurora:A sexual one.

Chandler:What? She's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful... Look, every man has a fantasy.

Monica:Chandler, she's a man.

Chandler:She was a man.

Ross:No, no, no, that's not my fantasy.

Ross:Okay, it is.

Chandler:I'm not emotionally unavailable, I just have very specific standards. Like, she has to be perfect, but also completely understand why I'm impossible to be with. It's not commitment issues, it's a lifestyle choice.

Ross:Well, actually, if you look at the etymology of the word...

Rachel:Zzzzzzz...

Monica:Zzzzzzz...

Chandler:Zzzzzzz...

Joey:Zzzzzzz...

Phoebe:Zzzzzzz...

Ross:No, no, wait! If you just listen to the part about the continental drift—

All:*snoring*

Ross:Ugh!

Rachel:Hey!

Chandler:What? Did we get invaded by aliens? Is this the new handshake?

Rachel:I vacuumed the entire apartment today. I even used that weird attachment thing.

Monica:That's not a vacuum attachment. That's my vibrator.

Monica:Did you move the green ottoman?

Rachel:No, I didn't.

Ross:Oh no.

Phoebe:This is bad.

Monica:So, I was just thinking... you know, if you wanted to move the couch, like, just a few inches to the left, it would really open up the space. I mean, not that it matters. It's fine where it is. But the light from the window would hit it better if it was just slightly... a tiny bit... to the left. I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying the feng shui would be better. And the traffic flow. And honestly, everything about this apartment would be improved if that couch was exactly 4.5 inches to the left.

Ross:Rachel, you have to be careful. Monica gets obsessed with things.

Rachel:Like what?

Ross:Well, first it starts small. She'll rearrange the living room furniture. Then she'll organize all the magazines by date. And then... physical violence.

Rachel:Physical violence?

Ross:Yeah, she threw an ottoman at Chandler last week.

Ross:She's not obsessive! She just likes things clean and organized.

Ross:Ehhh ehhh ehhh! *stabbing motions* That's Monica when you move her magazines two inches to the left!

Ross:She had this Raggedy Ann doll that she kept in perfect condition. Never played with it, never touched it. It just sat on her shelf.

Chandler:So... what was the point of having it?

Ross:That's the thing! It's a Raggedy Ann doll. They're supposed to be played with, loved, their hair pulled out a little bit. But Monica kept hers so clean it looked like it came straight from the factory.

Monica:Because I wanted to preserve it!

Ross:You preserved the soul out of it.

Monica:I can be a kook!

Chandler:Oh yeah? What are you gonna do, pay the bills three days late?

Chandler:We could just buy the wrong laundry detergent.

Monica:What? Why would we do that?

Chandler:I don't know, mix things up a little.

Monica:Chandler, that doesn't make any sense. Our clothes need to be clean!

Chandler:Okay, I'm picturing a scenario. You come home, you open the door, and there's a massive water leak. Your entire apartment is flooded.

Monica:Oh my God!

Chandler:All your furniture is ruined. Your couch is floating by the window. Your chairs are waterlogged. And that coffee table you refinished? Gone. Completely destroyed.

Monica:Stop it, stop it! Why are you doing this to me?

Chandler:And your bookshelf - you know, the one you organized by color and height - it's collapsed in the middle of the room.

Monica:I can't... I can't breathe. This is not funny!

Monica:I'm a control freak! I organize my spice rack by alphabetical order and frequency of use!

Ross:Monica, you're not a control freak. You're just... detailed.

Monica:Detailed? Ross, I have a color-coded system for my towels!

Ross:Okay, fine. You're a control freak. But in a totally normal way. Like Norman Bates was detail-oriented.

Monica:Did you just compare me to the guy from Psycho?

Ross:I'm just saying, he kept his motel very clean.

Joey:Hey guys, I got it! I got the movie role!

Chandler:That's great! What's the part?

Joey:Well, it's a big action movie, and I play this really important character.

Monica:Joey, that's wonderful!

Joey:Yeah, and get this—there's a scene where my character has to be shirtless, running through the desert.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey!

Joey:I know! This is huge. I mean, this could really launch my career. The director said my... asset... was perfect for the role.

Phoebe:Your asset?

Joey:My butt. I'm a butt double.

Joey:Attica! Attica!

Ross:Joey, what's your character's motivation?

Joey:Say hello to my little friend!

Ross:No, I mean in the actual scene you're doing.

Joey:You're killin' me, Smalls. You're killin' me.

Joey:I got the part! I'm gonna be in a real movie!

Chandler:That's great, man! What's the role?

Joey:I'm gonna be in this scene with all these beautiful women, and I get to—

Rachel:What do you get to do?

Joey:Well... I'm a butt double.

Monica:A butt double?

Joey:Yeah, you know, when they need a butt for a scene, but they don't want to use the actress's real butt, they use mine!

Chandler:So you're gonna moon people for a living?

Joey:It's called acting!

Joey:It's not that hard. I just stand there and they film my butt.

Chandler:Oh, wow. You've really cracked the code of show business. Pretty soon you'll be doing full body doubles, then maybe even some hands. And then, who knows? Maybe one day people will actually see your face in a movie.

Phoebe:So Joey's finally getting his big opening!

Monica:Yeah, he's really excited about it.

Phoebe:Well, I hope his bottom half is ready for the spotlight.

Chandler:I'm sorry, what?

Phoebe:The movie! He's doing the butt double scene, remember?

Ross:Phoebe, that's not—

Phoebe:What? I'm just saying his opening is really going to show what he's made of!

Joey:Hey Monica, I need some moisturizer for tomorrow's shoot.

Monica:Why do you need moisturizer for a shoot?

Joey:It's a butt double scene.

Monica:A butt double? Joey, that means they're using someone else's butt!

Joey:I know, I know. But they want my butt to look good in the close-ups.

Monica:Wait... they're shooting your actual butt?

Joey:Yeah, why else would they need the moisturizer?

Chandler:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Chandler:I only have a few hours with Aurora before she has to leave.

Monica:So you're going to spend all that time being miserable?

Monica:Okay, I'm not going to be controlling anymore. I'm the new Monica.

Monica:But if you're going to date someone, make sure they have a job, their own apartment, and they call their mother at least once a week.

Monica:Not that I care. I'm just saying.

Director:Joey, that's not how a butt would react in this scene.

Joey:Well, I'm using method acting. I'm getting into the butt's head, you know? Understanding its hopes, its fears, its dreams...

Director:It's a butt, Joey.

Joey:Exactly. A butt with feelings.

Joey:Look, the thing is, when I did it the first time, I was just treating it like a regular part. But this time, I'm gonna treat my butt like it's a real character. It's got a backstory, it's got depth, it's got emotional range.

Joey:I mean, what does my butt want? What are its dreams? Where did it come from? You gotta find the truth in the butt.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I've always been very proud of my fingers. They're long, they're slender, they're very... you know, finger-y.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You have even MORE men?

Aurora:Of course I do.

Chandler:How is that possible? I mean, I'm great, but I'm not THAT great!

Chandler:I'm like... I'm like a Starbucks cup. On the outside I'm all 'venti this' and 'grande that,' but on the inside, I'm just a scared little cup of coffee wondering if anyone's really going to drink me before I get cold.

Chandler:Wait, wait. I should probably tell you — I have another personality, and he controls my mouth.

Chandler:Hey, big guy.

Joey:Why do you keep calling me that?

Chandler:Well, you know, it's a term of endearment. I'm trying to be more friendly.

Joey:Friendly? Chandler, you call everyone that.

Chandler:Okay, fine. The truth is, I can't remember your name.

Joey:They said I was overacting.

Joey:I said, 'With what? My face?' No. With my butt!

Phoebe:Hey, you know what? You're gonna be fine. I can see it. I can see a young, eager actor coming up behind you...

Joey:Yeah?

Phoebe:...who's gonna want your butt double job.

Chandler:Oh my God! Shoes! Just... shoes on the floor! What's next, socks? A bra hanging from the chandelier? Because that would be ironic!

Monica:I could organize them by color, then by heel height, then by occasion... No, no, no, I can't. Rachel said not to touch them.

Monica:But what if I organize them just a little bit? And then... disorganize them so she doesn't notice?

Monica:That way I get the satisfaction of organizing, but she gets to think her closet stayed messy. It's the perfect plan!