The One with the Butt

You can spot someone who's never seen his plays. Notice, no fear. No sense of impending doom.

The exclamation point scares me. It's not just Freud, it's Freud!

JOEY [IN GERMAN ACCENT]: Well, Eva... we've done some excellent work here.

All you want is a dinkle / What you envy's a schwang / A thing through which you can tinkle / To play with or simply let hang

[ALL GROAN]

I feel violated. Did anybody else feel like peeling their skin off to have something else to do?

Ross, 10:00. Is it? It feels like 2. No, 10:00!

She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men.

Could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up. He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

But you always see these beautiful women with these 'nothing' guys. You could be one of those guys.

Hi. Um... Ahem. Okay, next word would be... uh, Chandler. Chandler is my name and, uh... [CLEARS THROAT] Hi!

Yes, you said that. Yes! Yes, I did. But what I didn't say... What I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me? Thank you. Good night.

ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play! What'd you think? ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play!

It was better than the troll thing. At least you got to see my head.

She said yes! She said yes! Awful play, man! Whoa!

Her name's Aurora. She's Italian and she pronounces my name 'Chandler.' I like that better.

An agency left me its card. Maybe they wanna sign me! Based on this play? Based on this play!

I've been here seven seconds, and you haven't asked me how my date went.

All right, once... once I got on the subway, right? And it was at night... and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.

Suddenly, we realized we were in Yemen. I'm sorry, so 'we' is? 'We' is me and Rick. Who's Rick? My husband.

I'm sorry. So you're widowed? Hopefully?

So how would your husband feel about you sitting here with me... sliding your foot so far up my leg... you can count the change in my pocket?

Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because he's okay with Ethan.

Ethan is my... boyfriend.

I suppose, mainly sexual.

I had trouble with it at first, but I get all the good stuff. All the fun, all the talking, all the sex... and no responsibility. This is every guy's fantasy!

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

When I'm with a woman, I need to know... that I'm going out with more people than she is.

You know... monogamy can be a tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically... [ALL SNORING]

[ALL SNORING] [ROSS GROANS]

Ta-da! Are we greeting each other this way now? I like that.

I used all the attachments on the vacuum except for that round one. I don't know what it's for. Nobody knows, and we're not supposed to ask.

ROSS & PHOEBE: Uh-oh.

But you know what? Just for fun... let's see what it looked like in the old spot. Just to compare.

I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman. Thank God you didn't fan out the magazines. She'll scratch your eyes out.

Remember, I lived with you? You were a little, you know... [MIMICS STABBING SOUND FROM 'PSYCHO']

When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy.

All right, you madcap gal! Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. Why not? Because you're a kook!

Why would someone do that?

A glass is on the table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day. Beads of condensation are inching their way closer to the wood... Stop it!

Oh, my God! It's true. Who am I? Monica, you're Mom. [MIMICS STABBING SOUND FROM 'PSYCHO']

My agent has just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie!

'I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!' Seriously, what's the part? 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!'

I'm his butt double, okay? I play Al Pacino's butt.

All right? He goes into the shower, and then... I'm his butt.

After all your years of struggling... you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.

So are you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

I need to borrow some moisturizer. For what? What do you think? Today's the big day!

[CHANDLER YELLS] My eyes! My eyes!

Well, I only have 20 minutes until Ethan, so... Do I sense a bit of resentment?

Um, Chandler, you know, the old Monica would remind you... to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush. But I'm not gonna do that.

Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know? His wife's dead, his brother's missing. I think his butt would be angry here.

I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...

No, actually, I meant my fingers. Look at them. Look at how happy they are.

So you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? No, that's not exactly what I was... Most women would kill... for three guys like us.

But there's this other guy. It's the guy who wells up every time the Grinch's heart... grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device.

Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

They said I acted too much with it.

I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!

Really? Just casually strewn about... in that reckless, haphazard manner?

Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back. I need help!