The One With George Stephanopoulos

Phoebe:If I had omnipotence, I would wish for world peace, no more hunger, and environmental restoration.

Phoebe:And bigger boobs.

Monica:Okay, I wanted bigger boobs.

Ross:Okay, okay, wait. If God is all-powerful, can He create a rock so heavy that even He couldn't lift it?

Chandler:I fail to see how this is a real problem.

Ross:Well, it's a logical paradox! If God can do anything, then He can create a rock He can't lift. But if He can't lift it, then He's not all-powerful.

Joey:So what's the answer?

Ross:Well, the loophole is that God can create the rock, but then He can just choose not to lift it. That way He remains all-powerful because He chooses not to, rather than being unable to.

Chandler:Okay, okay, okay. So if you had one wish, you'd wish for a thousand more wishes?

Ross:Yes!

Chandler:That's not a wish, that's a loophole. You're basically telling the genie, 'I wish you hadn't made any rules.'

Joey:If I was impotent? I'd kill myself.

Joey:If I was omnipotent for a day, I would want to make my penis always hard. Then I'd kill myself because my penis would be dead.

Chandler:That's the most Joey thing you've ever said.

Joey:Hey Ross, I'm really sorry, man. I didn't know about your... condition.

Ross:What condition?

Joey:You know, your... thing. I feel terrible.

Monica:Remember when we went to the Grand Canyon and I fell asleep on the rocks?

Ross:We never went to the Grand Canyon.

Monica:Yes, we did.

Ross:No, we didn't.

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God, we went to the Grand Canyon and I have no memory of it.

Rachel:There was this elderly couple next to me, and they were going at it all night. I mean, they were so loud because they're insecure AND deaf.

Man:Yes! Yes! You're still got it!

Woman:Really? You think so?

Man:Oh yeah! Still the best!

Woman:Well you're still pretty good yourself!

Man:Yeah? You really mean that?

Woman:Absolutely! Don't stop!

Joey:Dude, how many steps did you count?

Chandler:From my apartment to Central Perk is 247 steps. From Central Perk to the coffee place on 5th is 312 steps.

Joey:Man, you need to get a hobby or something.

Ross:My birthday was seven months ago.

Ross:Wait a minute. You guys didn't forget my birthday?

Chandler:No! Of course not!

Ross:Then why does Monica get to bring a date and I don't?

Joey:Because... because we love Monica more.

Ross:You just had an extra ticket and couldn't decide who to ask, didn't you?

Chandler:...Yes.

Ross:You guys didn't even remember my birthday!

Chandler:Well, technically, the day hasn't passed yet, so we still have time to forget it.

Monica:What's wrong with October 20th?

Monica:Is it about Halloween costume availability?

Ross:We... you know, we were able to... consummate the relationship.

Monica:Sex. You had sex.

Ross:Did you tell Chandler about my sex life?

Monica:No.

Ross:Did you tell Joey?

Monica:No.

Ross:Did you tell Rachel?

Monica:No.

Ross:Did you tell Phoebe?

Monica:No.

Ross:Well, did you at least not tell everyone about my first time?

Monica:Oh... okay, that one I told everyone.

Joey:Yeah, that sounds great. Let's all go home and think about Ross's ex-wife and her lesbian lover instead of playing hockey.

Joey:Come on, Ross, you gotta come to the hockey game with me!

Chandler:What are you doing?

Joey:I have no idea.

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God! Look! Look at my name on the window! Hi, Rachel Green! Hi!

Monica:I remember getting my first paycheck. I was so excited, I went straight to the bank to deposit it.

Monica:But then I found out it coincided with a tragic mining accident that happened the same day.

Monica:So now whenever I think about that paycheck, all I can think about is all those poor miners.

Ross:Wait, you worked in a mine?

Monica:No, I worked at Dairy Queen.

Ross:Then what was the mining accident?

Monica:There was no mining accident. I just really hate Dairy Queen.

Rachel:Who is FICA? Why is he taking my money?

Chandler:Hey, it's not that bad. I mean, look at the bright side.

Monica:Yeah, Rachel, you're gonna be fine. You'll get raises.

Chandler:Absolutely. Before you know it, you'll be making... slightly more than this.

Monica:Oh my God, it's like watching the Discovery Channel. A nature documentary on weird mating rituals.

Kiki:Wow, you've really... filled out since high school.

Rachel:I prefer to think of myself as a duplex.

Rachel:Wow, you look amazing! You've lost so much weight!

Rachel:I mean, you look... you look good. Really good.

Rachel:Not that you didn't look good before, but now you're just... you're very...

Rachel:Okay, are you eating? Because you're starting to worry me a little bit.

Kiki:Look at me! I can see my elbows!

Ross:Yeah, I remember her boots. God, those boots were... she had this way of walking in them, and I was just... *pauses, getting heated* ...we were in my apartment and she started to take them off and I...

Ross:*clears throat* ...you know what, I'm not finishing that sentence.

Ross:We had fruit. I remember fruit.

Joey:Peaches or nectarines?

Ross:I don't know! Why does it matter?

Joey:Because peaches have fuzz, Ross. FUZZ. If you can't remember whether there was fuzz, how much were you really paying attention?

Ross:I just can't stop thinking about Carol.

Joey:Yeah, well, I thought we were supposed to find things that remind you of her.

Rachel:I put chocolate blobbies on the cookies!

Rachel:I'm responsible for the chocolate blobbies.

Chandler:Yeah, because that's what people are gonna remember about you.

Monica:Can't play Operation without tweezers but can 'prep the guy'

Monica:Rachel hasn't used her credit card in weeks.

Credit Card Company:We're concerned about the lack of activity on your account. This is highly unusual and concerning behavior.

Rachel:And I'm getting coffee. For other people.

Monica:She's left the building.

Phoebe:My friend Jack is coming over

Monica:Which Jack?

Phoebe:The other Jack

Monica:The other Jack?

Rachel:I didn't give up a cow, Phoebe. I gave up a husband.

Phoebe:No, no, no. Jack loved his cow.

Rachel:My life is so floopy.

Monica:Don't worry, it'll become un-floopy.

Rachel:Wait, 'un-floopy'? That's not a word!

Monica:Neither is 'floopy,' but you use it all the time.

Rachel:That's different!

Monica:What if Rachel's life doesn't come together?

Phoebe:I don't like that question. That's too realistic.

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait. How do we know they're magic beans? What if they're just... regular beans?

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? Why is everyone yelling?

Ross:It's hockey, Joey. It's a great game.

Joey:Hockey? Oh, I thought it was a bunch of guys running around hitting each other with sticks.

Chandler:Yes, hello? I'd like to file a formal complaint about your Nutty Delite candy bar. I was promised 'nutty goodness' and quite frankly, I found the nuttiness to be severely lacking.

Chandler:It's an emergency at the hospital!

Chandler:We need to get to the predicament room!

Chandler:I got hit with a hockey puck and now my face is all dented. I look like a car in a parking lot.

Monica:I don't have a plan.

Phoebe:I don't even have the first part of the word 'plan'.

Pizza Guy:I can't believe I did that. I'm such a bonehead!

Pizza Guy:*hits himself*

Pizza Guy:Bonehead! Bonehead!

Monica:Why are you hitting yourself?

Pizza Guy:He was only wearing a towel when pizza was delivered

Rachel:George Stephanopoulos? Isn't that the guy from Sesame Street?

Monica:No, that's Big Bird.

Rachel:Oh right, I was thinking of... George the Anteater or something.

Rachel:It's like a Snuffleupagus.

Phoebe:Oh, that's not a real thing.

Phoebe:Hey! That's our pizza!

Monica:Phoebe, that's not our pizza.

Phoebe:I don't care! Nobody takes our pizza!

Ross:I've been waiting here for three hours! There are people who came in after me who are already in the back!

Receptionist:Sir, they're more seriously ill than you are.

Ross:Oh, so what, they're sleeping with someone in the ER?

Joey:Oh, come on, it'll be fine! I got this!

Chandler:Joey, no! The doctor said to be careful!

Joey:Relax, I'm a professional. I've pushed things before.

Joey:Worst case scenario, you're in a wheelchair forever. Could be cool. Very mysterious.

Joey:The ladies love a guy with a sob story.

Chandler:Hey, you want to sign my cast?

Joey:Oh, sure! You got a pen?

Chandler:Yeah. Just... try to make it look like an autograph, okay? Make it seem like I'm somebody.

Monica:I'm telling you, he's probably wild. He just seems shy because he's so preppy.

Monica:Like, I bet underneath all that composure, he's doing crazy things. Like... wearing loafers without socks!

Monica:Or eating dessert before dinner!

Rachel:Joey's like a coin-operated ride at the supermarket.

Monica:What do you mean?

Rachel:It's fun for like thirty seconds, then you realize you've wasted a quarter.

Phoebe:Chandler, you're sexually repressed. You need to be seduced.

Phoebe:Chandler is repressed.

Monica:He's not repressed. That's just his thing. He's nervous, so he does that whole fake sophisticated thing.

Monica:No! No, no, no, no, no! I can't picture that! That's my brother!

Ross:It's not that simple, okay? I mean, she's a lesbian, and I'm... in love with her.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. So what you're saying is she's a lesbian?

Joey:Ross is going to propose to Rachel!

Chandler:Joey, I don't think they heard you in New Jersey. Maybe you could say it a little louder?

Ross:Carol was my first... and only.

Joey:Wait, you've only slept with one woman? Ever?

Ross:Well, yes. Rachel.

Joey:Oh man. Oh, oh man. That's why I shouldn't have taken you to that hockey game last night.

Joey:No wonder you got so upset when that guy checked someone into the boards.

Monica:Remember that vegetarian pâté Rachel loved?

Monica:It was made with goose meat.

Rachel:Well, I slept with Monica's ex.

Monica:WHAT?!

Rachel:I'm kidding!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I have a confession. I had a crush on someone in high school and I never told them.

Monica:Who?

Phoebe:It was... it was you, Chandler.

Chandler:Me?!

Phoebe:Yeah, you were so cute and funny, and I was too scared to say anything.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's so sweet!

Phoebe:Well, it gets worse. I followed you around for like three months.

Chandler:That's not sweet, that's a restraining order.

Rachel:Why wouldn't Tom send you a valentine?

Monica:Well, maybe because I'm not a size 2!

Rachel:Oh please, Monica! At least I didn't have a nickname like 'The Geller Smell'!

Monica:That was ONE time!

Rachel:It was freshman AND sophomore year.

Rachel:You peed yourself in seventh grade!

Monica:I was laughing too hard!

Chandler:Could Ross BE any more sexually inexperienced?

Monica:Chandler!

Chandler:What? The guy's only been with Carol and... well, Carol.

Joey:Monogamy? What are you, crazy? You're like some kind of freak!

Chandler:I look like Hannibal Lecter with this thing on my face.

Ross:Hey, that's my hockey puck. Can I have it back?

Kid:Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Ross:That's not... I didn't lose it, you took it.

Kid:Finders keepers.

Ross:Hey! You can't just make fun of people like that!

Kid:Why not? It's funny!

Ross:No, it's not. It's mean and hurtful.

Kid:Oh yeah? Well, Ross is a nerd, Ross is a nerd!

Ross:That's it, I'm telling your parents—

Kid:Ross and Rachel, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Ross:I had to fight a kid for my puck back.

Ross:That was fun.

Monica:I can't believe I didn't go with Candyland.

Rachel:I mean, look at me. I went from being a runaway bride to having an amazing apartment, great friends, and a job I actually care about. I'm like Jack, except instead of trading my cow for magic beans, I traded my wedding dress for a life that actually makes sense.