The One With The Dirty Girl

Unknown 1:Thank you for dinner, it was wonderful.

Unknown 2:Thank you for dinner, it was wonderful.

Ross:Come to Papa!

Unknown Friend:I normally wouldn't say this...

Unknown Friend:but wow, Ross's date is really attractive.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Ross? Our Ross?

Monica:With a woman that beautiful?

Joey:How is that even possible?

Rachel:I mean, what is she doing with him?

Joey:The Cenozoic Era? That's easy.

Chandler:I still can't believe Ross got this woman.

Joey:Yeah, what is this, some kind of cruel bet? Like, 'I bet I can get the biggest nerd in New York'?

Ross:Well, I mean, yeah, okay, I'm a geek. But if she's betting on me being the biggest geek, then... I really hope she wins.

Joey:We should have a contest to see who can bring home the most beautiful women.

Chandler:Joey, that's just dating.

Monica:Ross, you promised me a special birthday gift months ago. Where is it?

Ross:I have a call in.

Chandler:Please, please be careful. The oils from your fingers can damage the pages.

Chandler:This is a first edition. A *first* edition. Do you know what that means?

Chandler:It means I paid way too much money for a book about a toy rabbit.

Chandler:You have to be careful with the finger oils. They can damage the finish.

Monica:Oh please, if that were true, Ross's hair would have destroyed this table years ago.

Monica:Chandler, what are you doing? You can't give her that!

Chandler:Why not? It's a nice gift.

Monica:It's a diamond bracelet! Joey's gonna think you're trying to... you know, with his girlfriend!

Chandler:I'm not trying to anything! I'm just being nice!

Monica:Yeah, well, it looks like you're trying to seduce her. That's inappropriate!

Monica:Chandler, that gift sends the wrong message.

Chandler:What? No it doesn't!

Chandler:Does it? Oh God, it does, doesn't it?

Chandler:I'm an idiot.

Monica:A medieval mace would be way better than some book. At least you can actually use it on someone.

Monica:I had to turn down catering a funeral.

Phoebe:Oh no! What happened? How many people died?

Monica:It's for 60 people.

Phoebe:Oh my God! 60 people?!

Phoebe:Hey, come on Monica. You gotta believe in yourself. You're like... Mon-ICON-a. Get it? You're an icon!

Phoebe:Moni-can't do it, but Moni-can!

Monica:It's Mon-i-ca.

Phoebe:I haven't worked in months.

Monica:Phoebe, you haven't worked in months either.

Phoebe:No, that's different. I don't have a job.

Phoebe:Well, I need a place to go when my apartment gets too crazy. Sometimes I need to just sit in a nice, quiet space and think about my feelings.

Phoebe:Oh, that's just the duck. He uses the bathroom sometimes. He's very polite about it.

Chandler:Joey, you need to get Kathy something nice. Remember when you gave that girl a pepperoni pizza as a romantic gift?

Joey:What? She loved it!

Chandler:Joey, you can't give someone pizza as a romantic gift. That's not romantic, that's just you being hungry and hoping she'll share.

Ross:I don't need help with the crossword puzzle.

Ross:Besides, I've been working on developing a universal language anyway.

Monica:So how did the catering go at the funeral?

Phoebe:Oh, it was the best ever! The shrimp was fresh, the deviled eggs were perfectly seasoned, and they had this amazing chocolate mousse. People were really enjoying themselves!

Monica:Wait, how did you even get my number?

Chandler:Your business card was in Mrs. Henderson's purse. Apparently you catered her husband's funeral three years ago.

Monica:So?

Chandler:So, her best friend just died, and she specifically requested you.

Monica:Oh my God. I'm not the go-to caterer for parties anymore. I'm the go-to caterer for death.

Monica:Well, I be'd going to save it, but then I saw this thing at Barneys and I just had to have it!

Ross:Seven letters, a word meaning 'to confuse or perplex'... BEWILDR— wait, that's eight. BEWILDER... no, PERPLEX!

Ross:Wait, I already tried 'Aborigine' for this one.

Ross:Hey, can I come in? I need to ask you something about paleontology.

Cheryl:Sure, what is it?

Ross:Are you a fossil? Because I'd really like to date you.

Cheryl:Oh my God, that's the worst pickup line I've ever heard.

Ross:Yeah, well, it's working, isn't it?

Ross:So... do you have any Grape-Nuts?

Cheryl:Grape-Nuts? Ross, I thought you came over to...

Ross:I did, I mean, I do, but I'm also really hungry and I saw that box over there by the radiator and I thought maybe you had some cereal that wasn't, you know, expired or crawling with something.

Ross:We could go to your place.

Rachel:My place? Why would we go to my place?

Ross:Well, I just think it would be nice to... mix things up.

Rachel:Ross, what's wrong with your apartment?

Ross:Nothing! Nothing's wrong with my apartment. It's just... your apartment has that... unique smell.

Monica:Okay, I think that's the last of the chafing dishes.

Phoebe:Oh wait, is this ours?

Monica:No, that's... that's someone else's. Just leave it.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Here, let me help you carry everything. And I'll buy you new chafing dishes. Actually, I'll buy you ALL new chafing dishes. And a car. Do you want a car?

Monica:Phoebe, it's fine, you don't have to—

Phoebe:No, no, I insist. I'm thinking a nice SUV. Or a boat!

Phoebe:Did you get paid?

Monica:No, I didn't get paid. I can't believe I worked all day for free!

Monica:And you know what? I'd do it again!

Joey:Hey, what won the Tony Award in 1996?

Chandler:I don't know, why?

Joey:I want to go see it!

Chandler:It was 'Rent.'

Joey:Grease!

Joey:Shopping for girls is hard!

Chandler:Yeah, well, you shopped at an office supply store.

Joey:Hey, a pen that's also a clock is perfect! When would you use it? When you're writing something and you need to know what time it is!

Chandler:Or when you're telling time and you suddenly feel the urge to write.

Joey:It's practical! You got your pen, you got your clock. What if you're writing something and you need to know what time it is?

Joey:Or what if you're checking the time and you realize, 'Hey, I should be writing this down!'

Joey:And the chicks dig it. I'm telling a girl about my day, I whip out the pen-clock, she goes crazy. 'Where'd you get that?' 'Oh, just something I have.' Next thing you know, we're making out.

Chandler:What did you get Angela for her birthday?

Joey:Nothing. She never had a birthday while we were together.

Chandler:She never had a birthday? What are you talking about? Everyone has a birthday.

Joey:Not while we were dating, she didn't. We were only together for like three months.

Joey:Do you have a card that already has a poem in it?

Chandler:No, but I have a pen shaped like a tiny saxophone.

Joey:That's great! I'll take it!

Chandler:Wait, so you want a card with a poem, but you'll take a pen shaped like a saxophone? What if I have a clock shaped like a tiny desk?

Monica:Her tears were magnified through her glasses, so it looked like she had huge eyes crying.

Phoebe:People always try to avoid paying. Like, at the massage place, clients would say they forgot their wallet. At the coffee shop, people would claim the latte was cold. And when I worked at the restaurant, this guy said his food tasted weird, but really he just didn't want to pay. Then at my last job, this customer complained that my sombrero was racist.

Ross:I mean, her apartment is so messy, it's like a garbage dump.

Ross:No, it's worse than a garbage dump. It's like a landfill.

Ross:Actually, it's like all the landfills combined.

Ross:It's like the entire planet became a landfill and Cheryl's apartment is the epicenter of garbage Armageddon.

Monica:What is that smell coming from your apartment?

Ross:What smell? I don't smell anything.

Monica:It's... clean. Like, really clean.

Ross:That's weird? Cleanliness is weird?

Monica:Ross, you should really ask Cheryl out. She's beautiful!

Ross:I know, but have you seen her apartment? It's a complete mess.

Monica:So? That doesn't matter. Just ask her out.

Ross:Monica, the woman lives like a pig.

Chandler:Oh sure, I found something better. It's a book. No wait, that's the same book.

Chandler:Is it pathetic that I want her to have the gift?

Monica:Pathetic? P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. Yes, that's pathetic.

Joey:A book? Chandler, what am I supposed to do with a book?

Chandler:You read it.

Joey:Oh, come on! It's a book AND a gift? Pick one!

Joey:Twenty dollars? That's it? I thought you said it was rare!

Chandler:Joey, that's the point. It's rare because nobody wants it.

Joey:Well yeah, at that price!

Phoebe:She didn't pay the caterer, the florist, the band... and the priest.

Monica:The priest?

Phoebe:Yeah, apparently he's got like, supernatural revenge powers or something.

Phoebe:You have to pay me back right now or I'm gonna be really mad.

Phoebe:And there's nothing you can do about it because I have no way to enforce this.

Ross:Is it someone who works in sanitation?

Cheryl:No, why would you guess that?

Ross:Well, looking around your apartment, I just figured they'd be here a lot.

Cheryl:Thank God it's not Mitzi! It's just a rat.

Ross:I finished it! I actually finished the entire crossword puzzle!

Ross:Oh... who am I gonna tell?

Phoebe:You know what? We're actually really good together. You're organized, I'm spontaneous.

Monica:That's true. We balance each other out.

Phoebe:We could start a business!

Monica:Actually, that's not a terrible idea.

Phoebe:Or we could fight crime!

Monica:What?

Phoebe:As a superhero team! I'll be Flame Girl, you can be Captain Organized!

Monica:That's the worst superhero name I've ever heard.

Phoebe:Oh please, you're just jealous because my name is cooler.

Monica:Phoebe's handling the money. I figured, you know, traditional gender roles. I'll do the cooking, she'll do the finances.

Chandler:That's not a traditional gender role.

Monica:Well, it should be!

Joey:I have to tell you guys something. I've been thinking about this a lot, and I just... I need to be honest with you.

Joey:People keep telling me I'm a great actor. And at first it was nice, but now it's like... what if they're right? What if I'm too good? I'm worried I'm getting too much praise and it's going to go to my head.

Chandler:Look what Joey got me for my birthday!

Chandler:It's a pen... and a clock. A pen-clock.

Chandler:Joey was so excited about it. He was like, 'It writes AND it tells time!' Like I'd been waiting my whole life for something that does two things that things already do.

Kathy:Wait, Joey! Don't forget your 'Joey Love' coupon!

Joey:Oh yeah! Can I use it now?

Kathy:No, it's only good for next time.

Kathy:Thank you so much for this thoughtful book gift, Chandler.

Joey:Yeah, I told him to get it for you. See, the book represents your beauty, and the cover is like your face, and the pages are like... your soul or something.

Chandler:That's not... Joey, that's not what I was going for at all.

Chandler:Yeah, well, that's what I do. I say something funny, everyone laughs, and then I get nothing. No credit, no recognition. Just this... *sighs* ...resigned sigh that nobody appreciates.

Joey:So that's it? We're done here?

Chandler:Yeah, I think so.

Joey:Alright, well, that'll be fifty bucks.

Chandler:What?

Joey:Fifty bucks. For my time.

Monica:Oh my God, have you seen Rachel's apartment? It's a disaster! I need to clean it. I NEED to clean it.

Chandler:Monica, no. You're not going over there.

Monica:But Chandler, there are dishes in the sink! Actual dishes! With food still on them!

Ross:Monica, it's her apartment.

Monica:I don't care! I'll organize her closet by color AND season. I'll alphabetize her spice rack. I'll scrub her baseboards with a toothbrush!

Phoebe:The toothbrush thing seems excessive.

Monica:You're right. A dental pick. I'll use a dental pick.