Monica Geller

So does he have a hump and a hairpiece?

It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. and tied it around my neck. - Cookie?

So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.. 'I'll never have grandchildren,' was what? A wrong number?

You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Push her down the stairs! Push her! Push her down the stairs!

Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.

I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

I'm divorced. - I'm only 26, and I'm divorced! - Shut up!

I don't know if I'm hungry or horny. - Then stay out of my freezer.

It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.

Being spit on is probably not what you need right now.

What the hell do you do on a real date?

You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs.. and men with emotional problems can hear?

The word you're looking for is: 'Anyway..'

Rachel, that was a library card.

Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it.

Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. / Yeah, I think, for us... kissing is pretty much like an opening act. I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through... before Pink Floyd comes out.

See, I wrote a note to myself, then I didn't need it. So I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.

You see, he's the prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.

Ew, ew, ew. / What? / Ugly Naked Guy got a ThighMaster.

When did you have it on last? / Doy. Probably right before she lost it.

Oh, I found it.

No, Mom. I don't have a restaurant. I work in a restaurant. / Well, they don't have to know that.

Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar.

"Like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep and they tell you it went off to live on some farm."

"Uh, Ross...?" [Awkward silence as Ross realizes]

"Hey, that was really good." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Thanks."

[Joey coughs violently after smoking] "I think this is probably why Dimon smokes in his cell alone."

"Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand."

"When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete." "You miss it?" "No, not so much."

"We're with you. We got it."

"You've been so good for three years." "And this is my reward."

"They're like coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd."

"Let it go, Ross." "Yeah? Well, you didn't know Chi-Chi."

"You can come in, but your filter tip little buddy has to stay outside."

"Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot?"

"Yes, yes. Like the man in the shoe." "What shoe?" "From the nursery rhyme."

"We won!" "Fantastic. I have one question: How is that possible?"

"Do you ever think that Alan is maybe sometimes-- What?" "I don't know. A little too Alan?"

[Monica demonstrates her snort-laugh]

"We talking about the coyotes here?" "All right. A cow got through."

"No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about."

"It's even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear."

"All right, we have to talk." "There it is."

"He says he's really gonna miss you guys."

Well, see, you took mine.

Eleven days before Halloween. All the good costumes are gone?

Sex.

Believe me, I told everyone.

There was a cave-in in a mine, and eight people were killed.

No, I worked at a Dairy Queen. Why?

You can totally, totally live on this. / Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.

And I brought Operation. But I lost the tweezers so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy.

That is the unusual activity. They wanna see if you're okay.

Rachel has left the building. Can you call back?

No, Jack and the Beanstalk. / Ah, the other Jack.

Floopy? / Yeah. / We don't know where we're going. / It's all gonna come together and it's just gonna be un-floopy.

Wait! Did you say G. Stephanopoulos? / Yeah, this one goes across the street. I gave him yours. Bonehead! Bonehead!

When you do that, you're only hitting yourself.

And then when you do, he's a preppy animal.

I think it's an act. Chandler is more sophisticated than he seems.

I really don't want to.

Well, unless goose is a vegetable!

She was a big girl!

I was laughing. You made me laugh!

We could've played Monopoly, but no!

We can? Okay, I'm trying that.

I mean you break up with Janice. I'll break up with Tony. You're breaking up with Tony? I know. He's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore. I don't know if it's me or his hunger strike.

Forget it! Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Oh, God, help us. What? Ugly Naked Guy is laying kitchen tile. BOTH: Ew!

Horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.

That's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car, run over some puppies.

That's it? Yeah, it was really hard. Yeah, the hug looked pretty brutal.

So where did you guys grow up? - Brooklyn Heights. - Cleveland. Ha. Heh, heh, heh.

What? I suddenly had the feeling I was... falling. But I'm not.

Close? She's got her tongue in his ear. Like you've never got a little rambunctious with Ross.

Excellent! We ripped that couple apart and kept the pieces for ourselves.

You can spot someone who's never seen his plays. Notice, no fear. No sense of impending doom.

I feel violated. Did anybody else feel like peeling their skin off to have something else to do?

But you always see these beautiful women with these 'nothing' guys. You could be one of those guys.

I used all the attachments on the vacuum except for that round one. I don't know what it's for. Nobody knows, and we're not supposed to ask.

But you know what? Just for fun... let's see what it looked like in the old spot. Just to compare.

All right, you madcap gal! Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. Why not? Because you're a kook!

Why would someone do that?

A glass is on the table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day. Beads of condensation are inching their way closer to the wood... Stop it!

Oh, my God! It's true. Who am I? Monica, you're Mom. [MIMICS STABBING SOUND FROM 'PSYCHO']

I need to borrow some moisturizer. For what? What do you think? Today's the big day!

Well, I only have 20 minutes until Ethan, so... Do I sense a bit of resentment?

Um, Chandler, you know, the old Monica would remind you... to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush. But I'm not gonna do that.

Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back. I need help!

Monica says 'What's my number? I never call me' when asked to check on her grandma

The running sequence of Chandler trying to tell his friends he's trapped with Jill Goodacre but mumbling so badly that no one understands. He tells Monica and Joey in mumbles, they finally understand via Joey's reaction 'He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre.'

The 'weirdest place' game begins. Monica goes first: 'Senior year of college, on a pool table.' Joey responds: 'Pool table? That's my sister.' Implying he's slept with Monica.

Rachel's turn: She initially refuses, then admits: 'The weirdest place would have to be...the foot of the bed.' Monica says: 'Step back. We have a winner.' Chandler adds: 'I've never had a relationship with that kind of passion.'

Ross is about to confess to Rachel. Monica, Phoebe, and Joey all loudly shush him from the background. Ross: 'What are we shushing?' Monica: 'We're shushing because we're trying to hear something.' Awkward beat. 'Don't you hear that? Ah.' They all listen to something inaudible (likely a siren or distant noise).

Monica almost leaves the apartment to execute Ross's surprise birthday party plan. Joey stops her: 'You can't go out there. Because of, uh, the reason.' Monica asks what reason. Joey finally confesses: 'He's planning your birthday party.' Rachel hears and says 'Oh, my God. I love him.' Monica realizes Joey already told her, and Joey realizes nobody told him. Monica complains: 'I'm always the last to know everything.' She then lists examples: 'I was the last one to know when Chandler got bit by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last to know you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.' Rachel responds: 'What? Oh. Looks like I was second to last.'

Ross tries again to confess his feelings to Rachel, beginning with: 'For a while now, I've been wanting to, um...' He's interrupted by Monica suddenly yelling about finding a kitten. Ross's confession attempt collapses.

Monica applies what she thinks is Bactine to the kitten: 'All right, this is just Bactine. It won't hurt.' The kitten yells. Monica: 'Ow. Ow. Sorry, that was wax.'

Monica worries: 'Poor little Tootie's scared. We should find his owner.' Chandler: 'Why not put poor little Tootie in the hall? During a blackout? She'll get trampled.' Monica: 'Yeah?'

The group finds a kitten and asks the neighbor (the Mellons) if it's theirs. The neighbor claims yes. Monica asks: 'He seems to hate you. Are you sure?' The neighbor: 'Yeah. It's my cat. Give me my cat.' Monica presses: 'Wait a minute. What's his name?' Neighbor: 'Um, Bob-- Buttons.' Rachel: 'Bob Buttons? Here, Bob Buttons.' The kitten reacts positively to Rachel but not the neighbor. Rachel: 'You are a very bad man. You owe me a cat.'

Paolo arrives (a mysterious handsome man speaking Italian). Monica introduces him: 'This is Paolo.' The group reacts with interest. Monica explains: 'He doesn't speak much English.' Joey asks: 'So, uh, where did, uh, Paolo come from? Italy, I think. Heh. No, I mean tonight, in the building? Suddenly into our lives?'

Monica explains Paolo's arrival: 'The cat turned out to be Paolo's cat. Isn't that funny?' Chandler responds sarcastically: 'That is funny. And Rachel keeps touching him.' Monica repeats the explanation, adding: 'And I'm guessing, since nobody told me, this is Paolo?' implying she's been left out of the loop again.

Chandler and Monica try to learn how to spin a disk (presumably a romantic skill to impress Jill/others). The sequence shows failed attempts. Then: 'Look, look. The last candle's about to burn out. Ten, nine, eight, seven...minus 46, minus 47, minus 48...' implying the power might come back on, so their romance countdown is absurdly negative.

The group is in darkness. Joey laughs maniacally. All laugh maniacally. Ross announces: 'Okay, guys, I have the definitive one.' The group expects another joke but there's just Ross's maniacal laugh followed by a groan. Monica then says: 'Uh, Ross...This probably isn't the best time to bring it up...but you have to throw a party for Monica.'

Um... yeah.

Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

I'm talking to Rome. I'm talking to Rome.

Not just restaurants, from our house.

We checked. A lot.

Here's my retainer!

And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.

And where she's going everyone else will be dressier?

Some days it's all I can think about.

What, what is it? You missed a belt loop. Oh! No-n- Okay, it's in spasm.

I can imagine.

They're not actually supposed to... I'll work on the lumps.

Rach, are you gonna make it to Vail? -Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop.

But you put your head inside this turkey... and we'll all talk and you'll hear everything we say.

No. Here's your mail! -Thanks. You can put it on the table! -Would you just open it!

Chandler, got your traditional holiday feast. Tomato soup... grilled-cheese fixings and a family-size bag of Funyuns.

Ross, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but back off.

Cider's mulling, turkey's turkeying, yams are yamming....

Get out and stop annoying me! -Oh, that's closer.

Look out! Incoming pumpkin pie!

Tonight's potatoes will be mashed, with lumps and in the form of Tots.

The balloon? -No, no, the actual cartoon character.

We're waiting for you to open the door. You have the keys. -No, I don't.

No, I didn't. I asked, 'Got the keys?' -No, no, no. You said, 'Got the keys!'

I got one keyhole and a zillion keys! You do the math.

Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his Tots... It's my first Thanksgiving, and I...

Potatoes are ruined! Potatoes are ruined! Potatoes are ruined!

You wanted lumps? Here you go, buddy. You got one!

We all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice!

He just sat in gravy.

Ugly Naked Guy is having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.

I don't even want to know about the dark cheese.

You got the bigger half! What did you wish for? -The bigger half.

And look, Ugly Naked Guy is hanging candy canes.

...of finding lips to kiss when the ball drops!

Man, I'm talking loud!

-I'll be just as pathetic as you. -Yeah, you wish.

I've got an idea. Dinner. It's perfect. We'll put it between lunch and breakfast.

I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday.

I was hoping for more enthusiasm.

Did I just share too much? Just a smidge.

So I'll be the only one alone when the ball drops? We'll have a big party, and no one will know who's with who. I'll know.

I love this artichoke thing. Don't tell me what's in it. The diet starts tomorrow.

That thing is not coming in here! This is how you greet guests? If I showed up with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome?

Your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

Where's Paolo? Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

That looks okay, right? You went a bit wide on the lipstick. Oh, I did? Yeah. It's hard for me to tell. My eye's closing up.

Bobby? Fun Bobby?

But you're really bringing the party down.

Everybody looks so happy. I hate that! Not everybody is happy. Hey, Bobby!

I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So, I'm kissing everyone? No, you can't kiss Ross. That's your brother.

Oh, my God! Don't look now. Behind you there's a guy who can break our hearts and plunge us into depression.

We should do something. Whistle. / I'm not whistling.

Why did I whoo-hoo? Was I hoping he'd turn around and say 'I love that sound. I must have you now'?

Get up, you Girl Scout! Up, up, up!

Even sleeping he looks smart. Yeah, but the dents in his knuckles mean he's artistic.

He's a lawyer who teaches sculpting on the side.

You broke the code. What code? You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay. Maybe a hot-looking aunt. But not a mom. Never a mom.

Well, you don't have your racquet. No. No, I don't because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.

You guys are spending way too much time together.

What are you guys doing here? He's not even wearing a jock strap.

Really? Not even to change his pajamas?

And there's no 'J' in 'engorged.'

This is so typical. You know, we give and we give and we give. And we just get nothing back. And then one day, you wake up, and it's, 'See you around.'

And on page two, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts.'

What's a 'niffle'? You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Monica & Phoebe join in the singing

Well, the meat's only every third layer. Maybe you could scrape.

What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas?

You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...flung by now?

I could call Immigration.

Okay, you're gonna have to stop that...forever.

Or an uncle.

Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel. But I still have five of these...so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

That's pretty much it. But you tell it really well, sweetie.

Now go away so we can talk about you.

Think you'll do it on his couch? I don't know. That's a little weird. It's vinyl.

Do you think Dad cheated? I don't think so. That would involve sex.

Why can't parents just stay parents? Why do they have to become people?

What's the matter with Rog? It's a little thing. I hate that guy!

That's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures. You think I'm a failure?

I hate that guy!

I broke up with Roger. Yeah, right. No, no, really.

Joey, what the hell were you doing? Sorry, wrong boobies!

'I win. I win.' I went out with him for two months. I didn't get to win once.

All I had is oregano and a Fresca.

A picture of Scotty Jared, naked. - Let me see. He's wearing a sweater. - No.

Wait. Isn't it almost pure...? [ALL SCREAM]

'The WENUS?' Weekly estimated net usage system. It's a processing term.

Oh, that WENUS.

What are you gonna make? Yummy noises. And, Monica, what are you gonna make?

That's so great because you already know how to do that!

The French call it an amuse-bouche. Well, it is amusing.

It's okay. It's okay. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

Oh, look! That guy's peeing!

Okay, I'm with you, Cheech.

I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this... and you can't even wait 4 1/2 minutes for a tartlet?

Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn? / Bath salts would be nice.

I think we have an answer.

Hi, it's us. / Right. And it's me.

So you're here too? / As much as you are. / Your turn.

Congratulations. I think you found the world's thinnest argument.

Sweetheart, you're fired. But how about a quickie before I go to work?

That's insurance fraud. / Well, all right, then. Forget it. Might as well just go home.

You are an idiot. / Yep, that's me. Heh. I am that stupid.

It's like returning to the scene of the crime.

Was that the cake? / Yeah. / I got a lemon shmush.

A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world.

I am so spoiled. / That's it.

I used to wet my bed. / I use my breasts to get other people's attention. / We both do that.

You're that stupid. / I am. I'm that stupid.

You're not the guy that asked for tea, are you?

Oh, good. Because where else would we get any?

Lucky... ...to have had a friend like you.

Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you.

...with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.

We thought we had a monkey, but we didn't. -Turned out it was a hat. -Cat!

Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?

Barry, who you almost... And Mindy, your maid of... Let me see. That's Mindy? She is pretty! Lucky... ...to have had a friend like you.

Whoa, what... What happened to 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole penis embargo?

In fact, it's funny. Often, someone you wouldn't think could... ...curl your toes... ...might just be the one who... ...gets interrupted.

I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with guns and bombs... ...and buses going really fast!

I don't need violence in a movie... ...as long as there's a little nudity. -There was nudity. -I meant female nudity. I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.

Hugh! Hugh Grant!

Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? I don't know. The left one! Which ones? Those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

Rachel lost Marcel. Oh, no! How? -He pooped in my shoe. -Which one? The cute black ones I always wear. No, which one? The right or left? Because the left one is lucky.

You stay here and wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you. Does anybody want to trade?

I left a Belgian waffle out here. Did you take it? -Why'd you leave it in the hall? -I wasn't ready for it.

Have you seen a monkey? I saw Regis Philbin once.

He's a black capuchin monkey with a white face... ...with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.

You know, that was a complete misunderstanding. We thought we had a monkey, but we didn't. -Turned out it was a hat. -Cat!

Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Yes, but there isn't always time.

Heckles! Can I have this? For the most part.

This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids? That's because I'm in front of them. Big nun! I thought that was an alp.

That's nice twice.

He's engaged to another woman... who happens to be your ex-best friend?

You cook naked? Yeah, toast, oatmeal. Nothing that spatters.

Get down? And boogie.

Sidney's a woman. So she's a woman, so what?

She said you looked pretty that day in the green dress. The green dress? Really? She said you looked like Ingrid Bergman.

She wants to know why you tie the towel around your head. It's a leave-in conditioner, okay?

Last night, you seemed to know your way around the table.

When we were....

Did l turn the fish? Nope, because l made lasagna.

l just thought you were naturally minty.

l just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the bicentennial.

My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states.

l'm Joan Collins.

There were times... when it wasn't even me.

There are doctors there.

Doing it on this table.

Well, last night, you seemed to know your way around the table.

I was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious.

Well, maybe 25, 26. - I am 26. - There you go.

Did I turn the fish? Nope, because I made lasagna.

So did you shave your legs? - Yeah. - Uh-huh.

Think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up at Gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorized at Gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking, 'Why do people continue to go there?'

Is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat'?

I'm 25. And 13 months.

Oh, God. I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the bicentennial.

My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad.

I'm Joan Collins.

There were times... when it wasn't even me.

If you were a few years older or I was a few years younger... or we lived in biblical times...

Ross? - I'm hurt.

What, it's okay when Chandler does it? You have to pick your moments.

I want a baby. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Get up. Come on, let's get some coffee. Oh, okay, because we never do that.

No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

When we're 40, if neither of us are married... what do you say you and I have one? Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors? Is, like, your father a doctor? Yeah. Why?

He's in a whole other place. Yeah. No, he's gone.

I'm only 26. I'm not even thinking about babies yet. [BABY COOING] [SOBBING]

Where have you been? Oh, I just had a baby.

What does he look like? Kind of like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jell-O.

I will always have gum.

Hey, Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.

Look, he's got Ross' haircut.

Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.

He's watching a woman do this:

-What about time difference? -From here to the airport?

Are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I throw it out?

Oh, my God, me too! We'd be like friends-in-law!

Then why are you dumping my brother?

-Come on up. -Behind my brother's back?

'This is bigger than huge.' / 'What's bigger than huge?' / 'Um, this?'

Monica about future plans: 'Don't tell us what's gonna happen though, because I like to be surprised.'

Phoebe mind-reading: 'How it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?'

Monica: 'No. Although now that's what I'm thinking.'

Monica about haircut control: 'I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.' / Phoebe: 'No, you're not.' / Monica: 'I know I'm not, but you are.'

Monica: 'I don't care what you guys say. Something's bothering her.'

Monica about haircut: 'No, no, no. I'm not falling for that again.'

Visual reveal of Paolo in Monica's apartment

Monica: 'I'm pathetic, I'm a loser.' / Rachel: 'Honey, you're not pathetic. You're just sad.'

Phoebe: 'My God, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...' Monica: 'But this is about your horrible mistake.'

Monica: 'You're gonna have to not touch my ass.'

Monica about haircut: 'The last time Paolo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.'

Monica: 'This isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. This is the face of a person who doesn't trust a person.'

Phoebe: 'This is how he wears it.' / Monica: 'How who wears it?' / Phoebe: 'Demi Moore.'

Demi/Dudley Moore mix-up: 'That's Dudley Moore!' / 'I said I wanted it like Demi Moore!'

Monica: 'Today it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.'

Monica about hair: 'Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.'

Phoebe: 'I think it's a 10!' / Monica: 'Thank you. My hair is very amused.'

Okay, these were expensive, and he's gonna grow out of them...in 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist!

Monica makes dog barking sounds, panting, then mimics being shot

You had a salad. / No wonder I don't feel full.

Hi, Jew!

That was my friend Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.

When it started, I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then one thing led to another and before I knew it, we were...shopping.

Wait, we only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time.

Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?

Monica whimpers in response to Bloomingdale's question

Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

Because she doesn't hate Yanni is not a real reason.

You don't have birds. / I could have birds.

Hello, Chandler Bing! Oh, my God!

You don't have any stuff. / You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

Then you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we've ever gone out with.

Oh, my God! What are you doing in here?! Mom, I gotta go! I gotta go!

That's fine, you just read the paper. I'm gonna get a pot. It's not for you.

Read the Family Circus... enjoy the gentle comedy...

Just tell her her husband stopped by. Her what?

How did you do that?

Of course I wouldn't approve! You were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay.

And I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

Kind of the same as, say... I don't know, having a third nipple!

Well, you know, these movies are offensive... and degrading to women and females...

And the lighting's always unflattering.

No, Cobb. Like cobb salad. What exactly is in a cobb salad?

Wait! And I got a beeper!

That would be the work of a Blowfish.

Who the winny-binny boy? Oh, you the winny-winny-binny-binny boy!

Ben crying stops when passed to different person, immediately resumes when passed back

Monica experiments with different positions/movements to stop Ben crying

He hates me. My nephew hates me! What if my own baby hates me?

Kiwi? Kiwi?! You said it was a key lime pie. No, I didn't. I said kiwi lime.

Ross squeezing Monica's hand so hard she screams

Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?

Stay back! I've got kiwi! Run, Joey, run!

Just never seen you in little stretchy pants before

Five more and I'll flash you

Because it's Sunday! It's God's day. Ha, hey. If you say stop, then we stop. Stop. No, come on! We can't stop!

I am the energy train and you are on board! Whoo.

I didn't get a cat. Oh, that's, um, interesting. No. No, it's not interesting. Okay? It's very, very not interesting. It's actually a hundred percent the opposite of interesting.

What? Heh. Nothing. Except tell you, uh, it's wonderful how much energy you have. Well, thanks. Especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.

If it were me, I'd have difficulty getting out of bed at all. You know, I try to stay positive. So you? You feel like going for a run?

Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone.

Does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

Wow. What are you gonna use it for? Games and stuff.

Mockolate. - I'm sorry? - Mockolate. It's a synthetic chocolate substitute.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. I love how it crumbles. - You see, chocolate doesn't do that.

Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

Especially that aftertaste. You know, I tell you... that'll last you till Christmas.

What makes it Pilgrim? We'll put buckles on it.

No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

Just like the Indians served.

Sweet Lord! Oh, this is what evil must taste like!

Well, go hug her, for God's sakes!

No, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

How about a nice, steaming cup of hot Mockolate?

Maybe a little longer.

Oh, not at all. I have no morals, and I need the cash. It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

You should see the size of his Christmas balls!

Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone cares. / We're broke, but cookies do say that.

These are cookies smashed to the sports section.

Yeah, but not very well, unless 14 across, 'Gershwin musical'... actually is 'Bite me, bite me, bite me.'

He's playing baseball. / You mean hardball? / Whatever.

If it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss you. / No, it's still basil.

They're ribbed for your pleasure!

You might wanna consider wearing underwear next time. Because when you sat on your throne, you could kind of see your... royal subjects.

The only thing worse than the mindless adolescent direction... was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.

Public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes.

Well, at least my cup is half full. Half full of love.

Cabin of love.

Whoa. Oh.

Or to a club, or to the... zoo.

Bye... ridiculously dull Bobby.

Not that bad? Did you not hear the hammer story?

She buttered a spider into her toast this morning.

Steve, sleeve. Okay, no one is named sleeve.

Ew. Ew, ew, ew.

Me. Why would I have to sleep with you? It's my game. You want the job or not?

That way, he's still sober, but I find his stories about shoelaces more amusing.

Ugh, God. Even his knock is boring.

What, these? No, these are, um, for cuts and scrapes.

[IN UNISON] Yes!

If she were marrying a guy, she'd be the worst lesbian ever.

I can't decide between lamb or duck. Well, lambs are scarier. Or the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. Just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick. What? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

Actually, I think you said: 'Don't touch that and get out of my kitchen.' Really? Weird. Anyway...

I'm dicing. I'm dicing. I don't hear anything.

But if you don't help, I'm gonna take those hot dogs and create an appetizer called 'Pigs In Ross.'

You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

My Malibu Barbie will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

You remember Kathy Bates in Misery? Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

Why are you looking at me? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac!

Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neurosurgeon.

Rachel, he totally changed time!

If I ask you to, you'll end up drinking it yourself.

We passed moment we should stop holding hands.

If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

Keep your panties on.

The Muscles from Brussels? Wham-Bam-Van-Damme?

Rachel, he totally changed time!

You don't think I'm cute? I don't know. Do you think you're cute?

Naturally, you know, I said no.

Jean-Claude, she said yes! I'll see you tonight!

If I ask you to, you'll end up drinking it yourself.

Quit flicking! Stop flicking! You flicked me first!

What made you make the exception for me? Rachel told me... you were dying to have a threesome with me and Drew Barrymore.

That is my favorite sweater! That is my third-date sweater!

Give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.

Yeah? At least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy he was cute.

I'll help you throw out your purse.

I'm sorry I borrowed your gloves.

Hi, tushy!

Is it dirty? Oh, I'm gonna wash it. Don't. I like it dirty.

Are they firm? They're okay. You sure they haven't gone bad? You sure they're not very, very bad?

I'm out of here!

Yeah, I think that fifth shower got the interview off me.

There is the possibility that I won't make rent.

Wow, that is a surprise! Just one question. Why not Ross's room?

We didn't want to disturb them. God forbid!

Did I mention I still don't have a boyfriend? Well, I just assumed.

They had to reduce it because of my deviated septum.

You know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. He was in the paper.

I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.

This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.

27 is a dangerous eye age.

Good. They feel good. In my head.

I mean, I'm dating a man whose pool I once peed in.

A chip.

Yeah, for my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

Finger cramp! Oh, God! Sorry. Here, let me get that, Mom.

Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence!

How you doing? I'm a twinkie! Really? I'm a hero.

Well, I just caught the live show.

No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor.

I'm the twinkie.

Upstairs in the bathroom, right before you felt up Mom!

Get out. No. / Wow, Joey, this is, uh... / Art. / Art it is.

Nice toilet. / No, no, no. Behind it. / You have a phone in here? / That's right. I have a phone. In here.

Joey, promise me something. / Yeah. / Never call me from that phone.

I have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7.

Calm down. I'm blow-drying. / Blow-drying what? You have no hair.

Get out, you doofus!

He's decorated.

Sweetie, before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place? / Hi, Mom.

It'll never last. He's just a rebound roommate.

I hated you when we were kids. / You hated me when we were kids? / Yes. I hated you.

I loved you in a you're-my-brother-so-I-have-to way... but basically, I hated your guts.

I don't have my jammies.

Phoebe's dead.

Two? Two?

How is that possible? I mean... ...have you seen you?

Okay, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

All it really was was just meaningless, animal sex.

Okay, you know, that sounded so much better in my head.

Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh, my God! Am I an oat?

It was good with Paolo. - Knock-knock.

A mirror?

You go, girl!

I can't pull that off, can I?

You are such a leaf blower!

Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.

That teach me a lesson.

All right, yes, I see other women in the shower at the gym. And no, I don't look.

You almost had it.

Joey, do you know we can see you from here?

You really sidestepped that land mine.

With that mustache, he reminds me of Aunt Sylvia. Thank you!

Then, go Vassar! They're not in it. Okay, then just go.

If not, I can learn how to do a bikini wax with leftover Christmas candles.

For a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.

Why are we watching the Business Channel? Because the other day I saw there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it.

Sometimes it takes two or three hours before it comes up again. But when it does, it's exciting.

Ah.

How can I take a job where I have to make Laverne-and-Curly Fries?

Monica, relax. Go get a beer. I don't want a beer. Who said it was for you?

Oh, hi. Oh... Oh, no, wait a minute. I have no one.

Do you realize that if I'd invested my $127 in myself yesterday... that I'd, like, have a lot more than that today.

What's to know? Buy, sell. High, low. Bears, bulls. Yes, Manhattan. Telephone number to the stock... selling store.

Time is money, my friend! You missed 'Takes money to make money' and 'Don't make me come down there and kick your Wall Street butt.'

Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Erik Estrada. And ZXY because I think it sounds 'zexy.'

MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. My motto is, 'Get out before they go down.' That is so not my motto.

Why the voice? Hard to say.

I don't want to have to wear flame-retardant boobs.

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows.

Yes, because you look so young. And because you're both, you know, white women.

What would Jack and Chrissy do?

Because that's where the party is, you goon!

When you're not using the markers, put the caps back on them... because they will dry out.

You want to push the caps... until you hear them click.

Oh, no! Did someone forget to use a coaster?

Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

Joe, if these people find out that my spelling game's over there... there'll be nobody left at our party.

It's a little quieter, less obvious sort of fun. But if people would just give it a chance, it's...

Yeah, but I'm so much faster.

Quick, tell us before he swallows.

That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

The baddest. Otherwise, the song would be 'Fat, Fat Leroy Brown.'

You're pretty much running that risk either way.

They should be facing up not down...because the head of the bed is where the sun would be.

You don't love me anymore, do you?

I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

See, you look beautiful. For God sakes, dim the lights.

Ryan's been underwater. He's just gonna be glad you don't have barnacles on your butt.

I might've expected this of Phoebe. But, Ryan, you're a military man.

See, in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

You would not. / I can't believe this. I hate this. You're too normal.

A low-budget puppet show. / A shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

Oh, my God. You're a freak! How about that?

Forget it. - Yeah, right.

Over my dead body.

Yeah, well, you promised Barry you'd marry him.

I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy.

Afraid to ask him? - Could not be more terrified.

I'm talking hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

But I want her so badly... I do. I have to have children. I'm sorry, I just do.

And if you hadn't have said... 'If I have to,' like, 17 times... then I'd be saying, 'Okay, let's do it.'

I've been feeling incredibly guilty because I wanna be a good friend. And damn it, I am a good friend. So shut up and close your eyes.

Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.

God, look what I found in the drain! It's some of Richard's hair!

I need to get some Richard.

What are you, the Memory Woman?

No, it's just that I got this new pager, and I have it on 'vibrate.'

Oh, they sent me home. Why? Because I don't work at the Szechuan Dragon.

I'm still awake, and now I have to pee.

Oh. Really? Oh, yeah! I always picture your mom when I'm having sex.

Really? Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.

Do you think he was waiting till after you left, so he could cry?

How come you didn't come over earlier? / Because I'm a stupid, stupid man.

All right, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put career before men.

Now, she sounded breezy.

What are you supporting? / Christmas.

That bitch always hated me.

Maybe I'm getting my period or something. I don't know.

Hey, look at me! I'm making jam! I've been at it since 4 a.m.

Down at the docks. You know, you can get it wholesale. / I didn't know there were docks.

I'm sick of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam!

Joey, don't! It's way too hot!

It's an empty apartment. We're all alone in an empty apartment. / I have to be at work in 10 minutes. / All right. It's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.

Remember when you were a kid, your mom would send you to the movies... with a jar of jam and a little spoon?

You're so pretty.

Oh, my God! You've got a crush on your sister's stalker.

No more jam? What happened to your jam plan? / I figured out I'd need to charge $17 a jar just to break even. So I've got a new plan now. Babies.

I don't need an actual man. Just a few of his best swimmers. / Down to the docks again?

He describes himself as a male Gina Davis. / You mean there's more than one of us?

You can't do this, Mon. If you do this, I'll... / You'll what? / I'll tell Mom.

It may not be ideal, but... / Oh, it's not... / Lips moving. Still talking.

Oh, my God! Under personal comments: 'New York Knicks rule.' / Yeah, the Knicks rule! / Joey, this is you!

You're taking the word of a guy who has night-vision goggles?

Wake up and smell the restraining order.

I always pictured you with a tall, smart, blond guy with a name like... Hoyt. / It's a name. Yeah.

You have a sign that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet. Don't pee in our pool.' / We don't have that sign. / You do! It was a gift from me.

Has anybody seen my left boob?

Here it is. What are you doing? I'm sorry. It just felt nice.

I only got one arm. You should do stuff for me. Get me a sweater.

Oh, God. Welcome to our side of the tunnel.

You're not terminal. We just need some damage control.

My God, Chandler, we said be 'aloof,' not 'a doof.'

Yes! And grumpy! What are you? Stop naming dwarfs!

You used to dress up like a woman.

You made us call you 'Bea'?

Oh, please, God, let there be a song.

I am Bea, I drink tea, Won't you dance around with me?

So, what happened? Did a forest tick you off?

You're building a post office?

My word, those are snug!

Actually, Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here

The heart of every healthy relationship: Honesty, respect and sex with celebrities

You do realize that she is a cartoon and way out of your league?

Spider-Man? / Hardy Boy. / Peter Parker. / Thank you.

What a geek!

We really don't take advantage of living in the city

A little more than I wanted to see

We can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon

Triple

That's when the waistband goes over your head

How do you play the shadow game? / I just asked you. / I just asked you.

You just gave up really quickly

It's my fault, really, because the couch is where we keep the varnish

Build the unit, Cinderellie Lay the tile, Cinderellie

No, I need a bathroom. I'm a girl!

Joey, if this takes seven days... you'll be able to meet God and ask him about it yourself

What? Excuse me, there was no time.

Anybody need more coffee? - Hey, there's a dog out there!

Cute Naked Guy's starting to put on weight.

Foot on the floor or come over no more.

Wanna hear something that sucks? - Do I ever!

Get ready for me to whip your butt. Okay, but after that we're shooting some pool.

You can't even see where the Titanic hit it.

Ten bucks says I never see that woman again in my life.

So if the landlord ever asks... I'm an 87-year-old woman who's afraid of her VCR.

Okay... here's your penis!

By the way, I can still see it.

You could've just turned the cushion over. I would have, but I had a spaghetti stain on the other side.

I need to live in a land where people can spill! - Well, you can spill. In the sink.

Is it 100 percent cotton?

Wait, wait, wait! My foot is stuck in the pocket.

That's not something a girl wants to hear.

MONICA: Oh, good. Another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?

Hey, when you guys were kids and you played Happy Days... who were you? I was always Richie. - I was always Joanie.

Ew, ew! It's the Mattress King. Don't look. Change the channel.

I'm going medieval on prices. What a wank.

All right. Monica Felula... Geller.

Isn't it cool? Vroom. Vroom. [MIMICKING RACING CAR]

Sometimes I have bad dreams.

Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.

All right, jester man, look, we wanna see the king.

My bed's so boring.

Although, don't feel like you can't visit.

[Baby Ben hits his head - physical comedy moment]

Nothing, because we're not telling him. / We're not? / No. / All right, I like that.

Oh, my God! Well, push it in! Push it in! / I cannot push it in!

The second Ross walks in... take him to your bedroom, and do whatever it is you do... that makes him go... [gesture]

I'll get Rainy Day Bear! / Because he'll know what to do? / Oh, my God. You're a genius!

It makes more sense as an ensemble. Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.

Monica bang! / Did he just say, 'Monica bang'? / Oh, my God! He's gonna rat me out!

Monica bang! Everybody bang! Ben bang! Rachel bang! Bang, Rachel! Bang!

Yeah. You know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.

if you won't tell him about our little bonking incident. / Number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery. And number two, I... / What? / You said, 'number two.'

That's right. That's what I'd sound like if I exploded.

And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at isn't moving?

Oh, my God! I wrecked your baby!

Rachel has those in burgundy.

What are you, 12 today?

He's alive! He's alive! / And yet we're still poking him.

Wuss!

I'm your best friend. Sweetie, don't worry, you'll get picked.

It just amazes me that you're still pulling stuff like this.

I heard that. Well, I said it loud.

Well, now you have two.

Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.

Dead leg!

When you went to the hospital for your nose, I swam into the lake and fished it out.

Like the turkey, Ross is done!

Come on, you hairy-backed Marys!

Oh, God, I gotta go. / Come on. All the cool kids are eating them.

Monica, I'm cutting you off. / No. No. Just a couple more boxes. It's no big deal, all right? I'm cool.

Is this the one that I threw out last year?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so emotional. I guess it's just... The holidays are just hard. / Oh, honey, is that because your mom died around Christmas? / Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

Actually, that's a Barbra Streisand-wich. What? I named that one.

I mean, when he left, I actually used the phrase: 'Hummina, hummina, hummina.'

That was me.

When I drink, sometimes I get overly friendly and I'm sorry.

What's it about? I don't remember.

High collar and baggy pants say, 'I'm a pro!'

Eavesdropping? Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.

If it's any consolation...he really did sound like he was having more fun with you.

All right, I just got changed in 30 seconds so you could be alone with him. You better go for it.

You're a poet, and you don't know it. - Actually, I am a poet. - So you do know it.

I could write an epic poem about this lip. - How would that go?

Well, it didn't rhyme... but I liked it.

Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.

So I'm just an empty vase? - What? - So, I don't read as many important books as you do. And I don't write trick poems that aren't actually what they seem.

You have no right to make that kind of judgment! You don't even know me!

The poem is not about you. - What? - 'The Empty Vase' is not about you. It's about all women. Well, all American women.

Your lip went bald.

You got panties stuck to your leg.

Or maybe God knew I'd be running into you and saw an opportunity.

I think it's too soon. / No, it's not too soon. I had lunch at 11.

Well, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.

And what are you gonna do for him? / I'm gonna let him.

Around 8:02.

You touch people's eyeballs and this feels weird?

You mean a 3-pointer? / I get more because I'm dainty.

It's a word.

Like racquetball.

I lost one of my fake boobs in a grill fire.

I love this 'friend' thing!

What if we're friends... who don't see other people?

Or maybe someday, friends who stood up in front of their other friends... and vowed to be friends forever.

That's not true. You don't have a moustache.

Watch the thorns!

Wow. You might just get the first Nobel Prize in rubbing.

Where's that? / In your atlas. / I don't have an atlas. / Oh. / Oh, but wait, I do have a globe. Hold on.

What is this? / It's a globe. / And a pencil sharpener.

If you don't have anything to copy, why are you going there? / Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the bellybutton ring again?

Wow, it's small. / Yeah, but Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it.

What's that on the bottom? / Oh. That's my doodle of a ladybug with a top hat. Ha, ha. / She's fancy.

'Kind of cute' like, 'really kind of cute'? Or 'kind of cute' like your friend Spackle-Back Larry? / Hey, don't call him that. His name is Spackle-Back Harry.

Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight. / Oh, my God. / No wonder I get such great service at Café Maurice.

So you're a chef? / I'm also thinking of opening up my own restaurant. / Oh, really? / Monica... could I talk to you behind my menu, please?

I just hope you don't accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it.

You silly diplomat. Why don't you learn some English, Sergei?

My guy has coupons. / Your guy can't even say 'coupons.'

Nice. No, we kind of broke up instead.

My God, Monica! It's on the ceiling! That's okay. This is more important than fruit on my ceiling.

So then you know.

Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest? They have the best stuff in there.

We were just waxing our legs. Off?

Okay, Tin Man.

A mistake? What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?

He has sex and we get hit in our heads!

Should we do something? Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.

Wax the door shut. We're never leaving.

We could eat the wax! It's organic! Oh, great. Food with hair on it.

No, not the used wax. Because that would be crazy?

No anchovies. With extra anchovies. That's okay. I'll pick them off. And could you please chop some up and just put it right in the sauce?

How hard is it to say 'something'? Rachel came over to borrow 'something.'

I had the same dream. / And nobody slept with the Xerox girl. / Oh, I had the opposite dream.

Closer than here? / Oh, look. I found coffee.

I said that out loud, right?

Are we talking models in their underwear? / And heels.

This is just like my parents' divorce which is when I first started smoking. / Weren't you 9? / Yeah.

Rachel never pees in public restrooms. They never have any paper in there. So my rule is, 'No tissue, no tushy.'

Monica's are the biggest. / These tiny little non-breasts? Please. It's gotta be Rachel.

Can you just send someone up and down 76 and check every rest stop? And also 93? / No, they don't do that.

We will just have to live here. / But it's so cold. / No. I won't get in a car with him.

Then why are you smoking? / It's very unsettling.

I ate a bug. / Hey, Rach. The tampons here are only a penny. Let's stock up.

That's 'help' spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air. / What's 'dufus' spelled backwards?

Look what you're doing to Chandler.

Wait a second. I mean, what are we doing? Who's going with who?

Or the rodeo. / That would be great. / I was being Shelley Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.

As a joke, this customer who has a crush on me, gave me a $20,000 tip.

You double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania.

Okay, um...you're a loon.

Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image? Two.

Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him.

What about things that are already gold? Ah. His work is done.

Oh, my God. Is this what it's like to be you?

Yes! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, Aunt Sylvia was...not a nice person. She was a cruel, cranky old bitch.

You had a barrel for a dollhouse? No, just a barrel.

Yeah, well, look who's losing weight now, Aunt Sylvia.

Not one that can pee on the roof.

Well, they always called. Bite me.

Rachel crashes on roller skates while carrying cocoa

You know, with that goatee, you kind of look like Satan.

You're sturdier than Chandler. He crumbled like a piece of paper.

I got tired of waiting. That's great. I'm sorry, but I'm so happy for you.

I'm okay! I'm all right!

Does it have to do with Chandler and that sock he keeps by his bed?

I feel like I'm talking to Lassie.

Shut up for a second and let me just see something.

That's the word l use when l can't remember the real thing.

Monica, l'm scared! -Honey, that's a sleeve.

Can you take a duck and a chick to the theater? -Of course not. -l just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

ln the long version, l dump him for telling people the short version.

With her face and her chest, l could really put something together. -Could l borrow it?

l've kept myself busy.

No, no, l'm fine. And you know why? Because of all the riboflavin.

Yeah, last time l was at Pete's we just watched a movie of us that we'd made earlier.

l'm so, so sorry. l am definitely gonna see your play. l swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play l'm gonna see.

You had 'the night'! When two people realize their feelings for each other and they talk for hours and learn all about the other person. -Did you learn about her family? -Two brothers. One died! -Yes!

7:1 5. -Watch doesn't work.

Well, l think l broke it. But that's all right. Here's the number where you can call.

My parents will be so happy.

It's a little crowded. Do you mind? Could you skooch? Move over just a little bit. Keep on skooching.

So what were you gonna tell us? I have no idea.

You can bite and pull people's hair and stuff? Anything goes except eye-gouging and fish-hooking.

Thanks. That would have been hard to describe.

Anything but stew.

We killed them all!

Check it out! Pete's winning! Really? No!

Yeah, right.

I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.

Strip Bag-of-old-knitting-stuff.

'Oh, I'll go out and get you some.' 'Really?' 'No, because I'm not your boyfriend'

'There's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on earth. Would you go out with me?' 'Ehh.'

Jellyfish sting setup and 'Damn the jellyfish! Damn all the jellyfish!'

'Well, forget it. It doesn't hurt that bad!' immediately followed by more screaming

Everyone's awkward reactions returning from the beach - 'Nothing' repeated

'We were on a break!' 'Oh my God, if you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you'

'I came back with nothing all over me'

The entire jellyfish sting confession sequence buildup

'I couldn't bend that way. So...' leading to the realization

'We were playing gin?' after 'Gin'

'I think you're great... and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me'

You had me with orange felt.

Oh, my God! They said it was for the mascot.

I never let her eat.

He is right, isn't he? This might be one time when he's wrong. Oh, no. He's right.

That's what we called your motorcycle in high school. A motorcycle's a chopper. And you're Chip.

A lipper from Chipper.

After high school, you kind of lose touch. I ran into Richard Dorfman. How is he? Me and Simens gave him a wedgie.

Isn't he an architect? They still wear underwear.

Still at the Multiplex? Like I'd give up that job! Free popcorn and candy anytime I want?

Do you still live with your parents? Yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.

Tonight, I actually went out with Chip in high school.

Really? We got all this rusty crap for free?

I just told my mom I'd cater her party. How come? I need the money. It'd be a great way to get rid of that last smidgen of self-respect.

You don't have to stick up for her. She can't hear you.

I thought it was cute. It's what your grandmother's hands looked like when we found her.

It's because they're going to eat... That's the problem.

You bet I'd lose a nail? Don't be silly. I just bet that I'd need these. You bet that I'd screw up?

This was just in case you 'pulled a Monica'. You promised Dr. Weinberg you'd never use that phrase.

That's right. My mom has no faith in me! That's hilarious!

No. You have lasagnas!

My breasts are really strong.

A bitch? I meant 'wrong', but we can use your word.

She doesn't know we switched it.

Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden? We don't have to. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The vas deferens? The Vietnam War?

Rachel, you just put an empty carton back in the fridge.

You're going to do some feet flirting!

Rachel always cries!

You suck like you've never sucked before!

There's this superintendents' dance, 'The Super Ball.'

You just did a little dancy thing.

Then you'd better keep it away from Ross' hair.

What a great way to say, 'I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend.'

Like a crossbow!

Oh, my God! What happened? Sixty guests.

Moni-ca.

Neither have you. -Yes, but I'm doing this.

Oh, my God! It was the best funeral ever!

It's like I am the official caterer for that accident.

You told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I be'd.

Look what we almost left! That's not mine. Look what we almost took!

No, but I made a widow cry. See you in hell.

With those thick glasses, her tears look giant.

What kind of smell? I don't know. Soap?

Now you go get that beautiful pig!

Oh, 'pathetic'!

I'm a hard-ass. And I'm a wuss. We should be partners. Hard-ass and wuss. We could fight crime.

It'll be like I have a wife in the 50s!

I won't be able to sleep.

Could you see up his robe?

Juice just came out of my nose, but it was worth it.

Play that funky music, white boy.

Well, you know, that was... terrific. Really... bitchin'.

I can't believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.

There's a Starbucks about three blocks down.

You suck too.

Joey has the best boyfriend ever.

You obviously haven't screwed over your friends. Which we all appreciate.

Rats in the basement are hanging themselves.

We haven't eaten yet. I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready and....

People are trying to sleep in here! Monica got ice in her eye and it hurts!

No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend. He's really picky about his patients.

Like I remember his office number! Speed dial seven.

Get out of my kitchen.

I've got to call my mom and ask her a left-handed cooking question.

Like a pirate? If that helps you.

So you made her walk the plank, aye, matey?

-He's coming here for Thanksgiving? -I know. It's sick.

If it were Greek, I'd be blind in both eyes.

Judge all you want to. Married a lesbian, left a man at the altar...loved a gay ice dancer...threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box!

-It reminded you of -Don't say it! -It did, didn't it? -Yes!

Would I go back to Allesandro's? Sure, I'd get two meals. One for me, and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head.

I couldn't eat it. My five friends couldn't eat it, and one of them eats books.

The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants.

You should serve it with vodka and celery.

Are you going to kill me?

I haven't been picked on this much since kindergarten. And they brought in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me.

It's a good idea. Can you waiter? Good enough to get fired. All right. You're hired!

Does anybody have a problem with that? Yeah, lady. I do! I got a problem! I'll give you a problem! What will you do? Fire me? You bet your ass I'll fire you!

Because you'll make up fake specials and make me cook them? Sure, that too.

He has a name. It's Dragon.

I don't speak English. You just did. I don't know what to tell you.

And covered in marinara sauce! Let me out!

What if I dance covered in sauce? You think it's funny?

I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.

Well, you know what I meant. You messed it up. You're stupid.

And that baby was, you know... a keeper.

Yeah, sure. It's not mine anyway. It came with the pants.

That is really nice... lying!

I eat by myself in the alley, because everybody hates me.

Well, you know, sometimes that helps.

A one, two, three. A three. A five. A four. A three, two. Two. A two, four, six. Two, four, six. Four. Two. Two. Four, seven! Five, seven! Six, seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven!

It's just, that was my puppy.

What the hell is that? Is that you? [ROOSTER CROWS]

Boy, you're really not a morning person. - Just back off!

She's mad because I know today's her laundry day... and that means she's wearing her old-lady underpants.

Challenge extended. - Deal. - Challenge accepted.

Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

Althea? What are you doing? - Took a shot. Shooting with Althea?

I majored in Lightning Rounds, all right?

How about if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster.

Look at my hand. Why, do you have the answers written on there? No. Steady as a rock.

[Monica's shocked reaction to pencil location]

Chanandler Bong. Come on, we steal that TV Guide every week.

[Both screaming at something in drawer]

...throw your purses at it.

What is that? Where you walk around with rich people and tell them what to buy? That sounds great!

We switched apartments. You can't eat our food. That gravy train has ended. There's gravy?

-What are you doing? -I think I left a doughnut up here.

Getting closer. Don't worry... we also have cereals, muffins, waffles and... jams, jellies and marmalades, which I'm sure are the same thing.

Please eat, because Joey opened everything.

Please. It's a relief, is what it is, is what it is.

Rachel has a new doll!

I served the best air.

What do you think of the floor? I don't know. Looks the same. You used to have carpet.

I'm always the hostess.

When you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.

We can be guys! No, you can't. Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys.

You know what girls are good at? Stripping! No, listening!

I liked that fighter pilot one. Candy? She was so spunky!

Are we all together in a group?

You said there were gonna be other guys. There are no other guys. - Chandler, there's a guy right over there. - That's a mailman.

Chandler, don't worry. This doesn't make you any less of a guy. That does. What am I sitting on?

Joey, let me ask you a question. This has been driving me crazy. - What does this light switch do? - Oh, nothing.

Didn't it drive you crazy to not know what it did? I know what it did. Nothing.

They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something. - How can you not care? - Like this:

Do you know what that little silver knob on the toilet does? - Sure. It flushes it. - Okay, good. Now, since you know, when you come over, would you mind actually using it?

[SCREAMS] MONICA: Oh, my God. Wow. - Guess who we ran into today?

What? I thought you were crazy about her. You know all those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? You know, like her voice and her laugh and her personality?

I bet I stopped listening before you did. You know, you also could have used lamps... ...and then followed the light. Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay?

It's coming from Joey. Oh, my God. That's so freaky. Turn him off.

Oh, please, Ross. You got hurt playing badminton with my dad. That's because your mom's dog kept looking at me.

Oh. Well, maybe there was a dog looking at him.

He asked you out? - No. But I was showing him some cuff links, and I felt his pulse. Saucy.

All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours. Wow. If only more people knew.

[GASPS] But it didn't. - Say hello to Mrs. Catrokis. RACHEL: Oh, my God. WOMAN: Hello, darling.

See? I'm doing it. I am totally doing it. I lost it.

We went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs at the museum. / Without me?

Surprise! / No one's thrown me a surprise party before. / Well, it was all Ross' idea.

Quick! He's looking. Say something funny. / Like what? / What's so funny? / I said, 'Like what?' / Now that's a thinker.

You okay? / You all right?

You changed? / I decided I needed my lucky dress. / Lucky means more cleavage? / It does for me.

This scene in Footloose- / Flashdance. / Yeah. With that plumber girl? / A welder.

Or you could use mistletoe. / It's not Christmas. / Spin-the-bottle. / He's not 11.

You can't leave yet. You have to stay. We've got the whole big thing planned. / What big thing? / Spin-the-bottle works like this: I spin the bottle.

Oh, my God! Two in a row! You gotta use your tongues now.

The baby just kicked! / It's okay. It's okay. If it kicked once, it'll kick again! / Everybody just remember where they were sitting.

Rachel is going to put on a skit.

Oh, my God! Have you lost your mind? / I am finally thinking clearly.

What do I do now? / I think you're done. / Time to take off the bra.

That was really great. But I gotta take off. / Take the bra off.

You're a pathetic loser, right? / Oh, yeah. / Sit!

Maybe he found your flip-flop.

I need a job with a smaller table. Or a job without a table. You mean, like a doctor?

You must feel horrible. Hey, the guys have free porn.

You're in college? Refrigerator college.

What's that? My Saturn dealership.

A place that no one will get out of alive?

I was right! I'm right, right?

That sounds great! I know! And I've only been playing for an hour.

It creeps me out choosing other people's sex clothes.

Then you realized if you bitched, then you would stop cooking... and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.

She and Susan are going to a poetry reading together. / So? / Poetry? Susan's gay. They're being gay together!

She turned you into this untrusting, crazy, jealous... sycophant!

So up until '92, '93, he was very trusting. Then '94 hit, Carol left him, and bam! Paranoid City!

The '92 Ross wouldn't.

Nice luggage. / I was going to say.

Hey! Do you have to do that? It's Saturday!

I hate this apartment! I hate this wall color! I hate that it still smells like bird!

I hate that singing guy! Are you kidding? I love that guy!

Stop it! I will kill you.

You don't even have a bed. You sleep in a ball on the floor!

It's a great apartment! Shut up! This place is a hole!

Pheebs, those are Santa pants.

Santa Claus' pants. No. They're maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. See?

I could slip Woody Allen my resume.

Your 'bachelor pad'? Have you even had a girl here?

Ever read Flowers for Algernon?

No, I didn't read yours!

What if you could keep the apartment and the tickets? Done! Let me finish. I'm talking about a bet. Winner takes all.

We should let Phoebe decide...because she's the only one who's impartial, and she's so pretty.

What is your favorite thing about trees? They're green? Good! Five points!

Let us keep the apartment and...as a thank you...Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.

Can you believe something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?

Let's pretend that's not true.

Monica's boyfriend rolling her over to stop snoring leads to 'Oh, yeah!' suggestive reaction

Monica clarifies her disbelief about Ross's engagement: 'Because it's so fast. Not because you're a loser.'

Monica's dark wedding observation: 'About half of these will end up getting divorced'

Monica's meta-commentary: 'My big concern is what's real?' about properly throwing bouquet

Mutual recognition: 'We're really sad, aren't we?' 'Yeah, I think we are.'

Monica's continued fantasy commitment: 'I'm getting married!'

Monica's fashion despair: 'I hate my regular clothes now'

Wedding dress superstition panic: 'The groom cannot see the bride' when Chandler arrives

Monica's practical clarification: 'I'm not going to marry Chandler. Not after this!'

It'd be nice to leave an ass print on Everest

And I just want a million dollars!

Remember when he fell in love with Carol and got her that expensive crystal duck?

Hormones. What Phoebe meant was how come you're having a party and we're not invited?

Except, uh, Phoebe's not gonna be the one who gets to dress them. I guess she's not gonna get to keep the babies.

Oh, and somebody can get her those leather pants she's always wanted.

Well, you can't have the baby here! I haven't sterilized the apartment since the guys moved out!

Well, do you see any babies?

Some moms do that. Yeah, that's even sadder.

Hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! In London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!

-Who are you saying 'check' to? -Myself. For remembering to pack a thing. You do a good thing, you get a 'check.'

Mom does it. I never realized it was weird. My mom used to put her head in the oven.

Got your passport? Third drawer of my dresser. You don't want to lose that!

I want to go over and hug you and wish you luck, but I can't get up. -I'll come hug you. -Great, can you bring me the paper?

Do something! I am. I'm ignoring you.

Sorry. Lucky this dress is red.

Oh, my God! You're even dumber than I am.

That's what we did. We dreamed about the perfect wedding. In the perfect place. With the perfect four-tiered wedding cake. With the little people on top.

That pillowcase thing, I thought you were doing The Flying Nun. Sometimes we were.

Then we'll get wet. I don't even have a date.

Out loud? I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid.

Please! I'm a single mom with a 30-year-old son.

Could you not look? I don't want to look.

What we did last night was -Stupid. Totally crazy, stupid. What were we thinking? I'm coming over tonight though, right? Definitely.

Stupid. Hmm. Totally crazy, stupid. What were we thinking? I'm coming over tonight though, right? Oh, yeah, definitely.

Could you not look? I don't want to look.

I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good. Ha! I just hope... You can let some go by.

You know, uh...sometimes I don't even like Chandler.

What we did last night was... Stupid. Hmm. Totally crazy, stupid. What were we thinking? I'm coming over tonight though, right? Oh, yeah, definitely.

'It could've been worse. He could've shot her.'

Monica and Chandler's 'Seven times' revelation about their London hookup

Monica and Chandler's 'only in London' rule immediately followed by planning wine cellar rendezvous

Monica's string of meaningless business clichés: 'Just do the right thing. Tow the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box.'

Monica warning about screaming 'yippee' during sex

Monica and Chandler's conflicting time estimates - 'five minutes' vs 'fifteen minutes' for changing

Monica cutting off Chandler's compliment with 'No time for that' then immediately jumping him

Monica's 'My Giant' movie excuse - 'we've already paid for it'

'It's a very large plane' as excuse for why they need to leave

Monica and Chandler's quickie logistics: 'Those doors look pretty soundproof' and risk assessment

Phoebe's accusation reveal: 'You ate meat!' 'You had sex!'

Monica's 'I'm still on London time. Does that count?' to justify more sex

I'll do it.

Honey, sweetie, by the edges. / Edges! Fingers! Smudgy!

That's okay. I know that you're very upset right now. I know that wasn't about me. / I bet it was about her a little.

Say that to him, and you're golden.

You did not drop any socks!

Well, you're fired. / You can't fire me. I make your decisions, and I say I'm not fired! Ha!

Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea. It's dangerous. She won't get what she wants. And who knows who she might end up hurting?

Do you know anything about women?

It's sympathy pains. That's so sweet! I didn't know I cared that much.

They're male nurses. Not in my head.

How do you make that dirty? It's easy. I can do it with anything. Grandma's chicken salad...

It works on you.

Vomit tux? Who vomited on?

Maybe just put the whole duck in there. Who cares?

Quick broiling pan question

Maybe next time your duck can puke in something from Pottery Barn.

No, no, no! Leave the gloves on.

That's because you always sleep till noon, silly.

This is what nine looks like.

You should live with Joey. Rolos everywhere.

Chandler, stop yelling that you and I are gonna do it!

Oh, dear God! They gave us glasses!

No, like feet.

What did you say? / I said, 'Jeez, relax, Mon.'

Just think of it as $25 per room.

Chandler stole a 20 from my purse!

Chandler had a mustache, for crying out loud.

Welcome to an adult relationship.

I'm afraid so.

Rules are good! Rules help control the fun.

Oh, God! Aah!

So basically this is a 'getting rid of anything Rachel ever touched' sale.

I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the poison?

Fog him! Fog him!

He was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast-man. He was like a Bigfoot or a yeti or something.

We actually thought you were like a yeti or something. Okay.

Really. What is with that guy? I mean, you'd forgive me if I fogged you. Well, you did, a little bit.

That yeti is one smooth talker.

Didn't you sign a lease? Who needs a lease when it's 'family'?

Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married.

So I guess we won't be warming his house.

So he won't invite you to his party because he likes you? Exactly! Then why didn't he invite me? To throw me off.

What kind of a regatta gala starts at night? The fake kind.

So... What's this? Salad. And what's this? Bread. Aren't you a chef?

Ball's flying all over the place.

Oh, my God! I know! It's stuck!

Get that off now! I can't. It's stuck! It has to feed 20 people. They're not going to eat it off your head!

I had to. There was never any parking by the psychology building.

I want him to be naked, and I want to point at him and laugh.

I love the way this box feels against my cheek.

And I put the cool steel... against... my body.

Oh, my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.

I'm a duck. I go quack-quack. I'm happy all the time.

I bet this will work.

Nothing. I said you're so great, and then I just stopped talking.

You said you loved me. I can't believe this! No, I didn't! Yes, you did! No, I didn't! You love me! No, I don't! Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Yeah, actually.

The best you got in high school was 'Wet Pants Geller.'

Well, let's see what everybody thinks of that.

I guess I wanted to keep it...as a souvenir.

I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.

Oh, yeah! We should have essay questions!

See? Still pretending he's not interested.

He's coming over. Pretend we've forgotten who he is. / Hey, guys. / Hey, Danny.

You meddled in our relationship! / You had no relationship!

Still, I was quick as a cat.

Not since I got too strong for you.

Oh, fine. Ready? Wrestle!

Oh, my God! / That was unbelievable. / See? I told you. / Yeah. Sorry. / I don't believe they're brother and sister. / They're brother and sister?! / I guess you'll have to cancel your date. And call their mother.

God, Tiffany, you smell so great. / It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?

Joey, you are sick. / This is disgusting. I'm not reading this. / Wait, wait, wait! The handsome man was about to enter!

Ross is wearing leather pants. Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants.

See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. Maybe there's something in that area?

It's my New Year's resolution. / To blind my child?

Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? / You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big...

Ben drew a picture of you. You're a cowboy. / Because of the leather pants?

What was that? That noise you made? Oh, that was my work laugh.

He says, '$30, Father. Same as in town.' Ha!

Those birds are browned, basted and ready to be carved.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.

He can't even breathe, and she's popping pills.

Oopsie! Missed it!

Mr. Bigot. Ha, ha. He tells the most racist jokes.

Monica's exaggerated laugh at 'Me and Chandler?'

Kara's coffee is weak-tasting. But what Doug did was imply that it was weak physically.

Man, she is really gullible.

Time's up! My turn. - That was half an hour? - It's your timer.

I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages.

Aah! Aah! Aah. It's so good, isn't it? I don't know what I did to deserve it.

Say goodbye to sore muscles! Goodbye, muscles!

You know what? My grandma had the exact same bag!

He does not like it. He's in pain! - No, he's not. - Yes, he is! - What? - I'm sorry but, ow!

My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.

Oh, my God! You don't know me at all!

So they could call the award, 'The Monica'?

I suck!

I think Phoebe was hitting on me. What are you talking about? I'm telling you, I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.

I'm sorry, it's just Phoebe's just always thought you were charming... in a sexless kind of way.

This bicep? Well, it's not flexed right now.

But they don't know that we know that they know.

You know what I just realized? If you guys have kids / We're having kids? / I call godfather!

You're a few steps ahead of us. / Big zero gravity moon steps.

[Reaction beat - Monica's sympathetic response interrupted by Katie punching Joey]

And that the only baby here is you? Did you know I can't even look at you now?

Who? Two divorces and Joey?

The best reason is pregnancy.

Sorry is fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

Dark red. Wrong, but there's a connect-the-dots in here for you later.

Hey, how about maroon? Yes! You are so smart!

Three-letter word. Not dog, but... Cat. You are so smart!

Nickel... Okay, dime. You guys keep talking. This could take a while.