Ross Geller

Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.. there. - Instead of - That's right!

Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

He says, 'Hello,' I want to kill myself.

I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. and tied it around my neck. - Cookie?

Just leave my aura alone, okay? - Fine, be murky.

She didn't know. How should I know?

I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.. and I cannot feel my legs.

She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.

I should've known when she went to the dentist five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

I'm divorced. - I'm only 26, and I'm divorced! - Shut up!

Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.

I don't know if I'm hungry or horny. - Then stay out of my freezer.

Ever since she left me.. I haven't been able to perform.. sexually.

You probably didn't know this, but in high school.. I had a major crush on you. - I knew. - You did? - I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. - I did.

I just grabbed a spoon.

Okay, they have issues like: 'Gee, that glacier's getting kind of close.' See?

How about I'll catch up with you in the Ice Age?

...stands erect...

A lesbian? Well... You never know.

She is so great. I miss her.

Well, you may want to steer clear of the word 'dumped.'

Quack, quack... quack, quack, quack. / Ross? / That opens my cervix.

As in 'Mouse'? / As in my grandmother. / Still, you say 'Minnie,' you hear 'Mouse.'

Helen Geller? / I don't think so. / Hello, it's not gonna be Helen Geller.

That's funny. Really? I don't remember you making any sperm.

"That's funny. No, because, uh, our parents actually did... uh, send our dog off to live on a farm."

"Uh, Ross...?" [Awkward silence as Ross realizes]

"Oh, my God. Chi-Chi." [Realization their dog is dead]

"And there's 500 extra dollars in my account." "Oh, Satan's minions at work again."

[Lisping] "We love Steve. Steve was sexy." [Normal voice] "Sorry."

"Let it go, Ross." "Yeah? Well, you didn't know Chi-Chi."

"So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured."

"We won!" "Fantastic. I have one question: How is that possible?"

"We sure showed those Hasidic jewelers a thing or two about softball."

"Oh, no. That's not possible. You can never be too Alan."

"Well, is it, like, a little annoying? Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?"

"You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly." "Indeed there isn't."

"Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered."

"We didn't change."

"I wanted him to meet my family."

If I were omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.

Mom and Dad took us to the Grand Canyon?

It's funny. My birthday was seven months ago.

So you had an extra ticket... and couldn't decide who got to bring a date?

She never took them off. It's because we... Sorry, sorry.

Peach pit. / Yes, bunny? / Peach pit. That night, we had... / Peaches? / Actually, nectarines but... / Could've been a peach.

That guy with the toe thing, who's he sleeping with?

It was my first time.

Now that was fun.

ROSS: Not a big deal? It's amazing. You just reach in, there's one little maneuver, and bam! A bra. Right out the sleeve. As far as I'm concerned... there is nothing a guy can do that comes close.

- No plans, huh? - Not a one.

You wanna hear a freakish coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too? - Who? - Me. Was that not clear?

Um... But there's a rat problem. Apparently, they're attracted to the dryer sheets. They're going in fine, but they're coming out all... fluffy.

Hold on there, camper. You sure you've thought this through?

It's laundry. The thinking through is pretty minimal.

It's the first time she'll see your underwear. You want it to be dirty?

Now, what is wrong with my Snuggles? What? It says I'm a sensitive, warm kind of guy. You know, like a little fuzzy bear.

All right. Show's over. Nothing to see here.

What's that? Überweiss. It's new. It's German. It's extra tough!

Don't worry. I'll use the gentle cycle.

Okay, well, these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or with delicates? That would be a judgment call.

I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...

It's a song. The laundry song that we sing. [SINGS] Uh-oh, the laundry's done

It's just that you left a red sock in with your whites, and now... everything's kind of pink. Everything's pink? Except for the red sock, which is still red.

Yes! Did you see that? You were incredible. A brand-new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Ross, 10:00. Is it? It feels like 2. No, 10:00!

Could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up. He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play! What'd you think? ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play!

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

You know... monogamy can be a tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically... [ALL SNORING]

[ALL SNORING] [ROSS GROANS]

ROSS & PHOEBE: Uh-oh.

I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman. Thank God you didn't fan out the magazines. She'll scratch your eyes out.

Remember, I lived with you? You were a little, you know... [MIMICS STABBING SOUND FROM 'PSYCHO']

When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy.

Oh, my God! It's true. Who am I? Monica, you're Mom. [MIMICS STABBING SOUND FROM 'PSYCHO']

'I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!' Seriously, what's the part? 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!'

Ross's turn: 'Disneyland, 1989. It's a small world after all.' He clarifies: 'The ride broke down, so Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children. They fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.'

Chandler reassures Rachel about her romantic future: 'I see...big passion in your future.' Rachel is touched: 'Ross, you're so great.' Ross's internal response: 'Ah. It's never gonna happen.'

The extended 'Friend Zone' conversation: Chandler tells Ross he's in the friend zone. Ross denies it. Chandler escalates: 'No, Ross. You're mayor of the Zone.' Ross claims he's 'laying the groundwork' and will ask Rachel out 'soon.' Chandler: 'Every day I get a little bit closer to, uh...Priesthood.'

Chandler pressures Ross to confess his feelings to Rachel immediately. Ross resists: 'I'm waiting for the right moment.' Chandler pushes: 'What's the right moment? What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight?' Ross finally admits the conditions are perfect. Chandler: 'You gotta go up to her and say, Look, Rachel, I think--'

Ross is about to confess to Rachel. Monica, Phoebe, and Joey all loudly shush him from the background. Ross: 'What are we shushing?' Monica: 'We're shushing because we're trying to hear something.' Awkward beat. 'Don't you hear that? Ah.' They all listen to something inaudible (likely a siren or distant noise).

Ross tries again to confess his feelings to Rachel, beginning with: 'For a while now, I've been wanting to, um...' He's interrupted by Monica suddenly yelling about finding a kitten. Ross's confession attempt collapses.

Ross confronts Paolo: 'Listen, um, heh, something you should, uh, know. Rachel and I are...We're kind of a thing.' Paolo: 'Thing? Thing. Yes, thing. You have the sex?' Ross: 'No, no. Um, technically, the sex is not being had.' Ross continues, stammering through an explanation of why Paolo should stay away. Finally: 'If you get in the way of us becoming a thing...then, uh, I would be, well, very sad.'

Paolo responds to Ross in Italian. Ross: 'Do you know the word crap-weasel? No? That's funny, you are a huge crap-weasel.' This is Ross's insult after his intimidation attempt failed.

The group is in darkness. Joey laughs maniacally. All laugh maniacally. Ross announces: 'Okay, guys, I have the definitive one.' The group expects another joke but there's just Ross's maniacal laugh followed by a groan. Monica then says: 'Uh, Ross...This probably isn't the best time to bring it up...but you have to throw a party for Monica.'

No, it's just because, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman...

Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food!

So Chandler looks gay, huh?

You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.

I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...

What, what is it? You missed a belt loop. Oh! No-n- Okay, it's in spasm.

I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister, I love Pheebs... Chandler!

And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.

Rachel. Rachel Rachel. I love you the most.

That little naked guy would be me. Aww, look at the little thing. Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?

Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.

Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

...ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

Well, not mine, but....

Kind of like a big face without skin. -Yes. I'm familiar with the concept.

Wouldn't that mean you're crazy?

Get out and stop annoying me! -Oh, that's closer.

We laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny.

Okay, Mom never hit.

There is one way that offers a certain acoustical advantage, but....

You know, I can't do this. This is... It's too weird. I feel stupid.

And everyone's telling me, 'You gotta pick a major.' So on a dare, I picked paleontology.

You're happy you don't have gills anymore.

Here we come, walking down the street, get the funniest looks from everyone we meet. Hey, hey

Hey, hey, you're my baby and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel then we'll go to the zoo

Hey, hey, I'm your daddy, I'm the one without any breasts

Who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?

I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting.

...or if you didn't have syphilis and stuff...

I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.

You reach a certain age, having a roommate is just kind of pathet

Too many jokes.

It has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean. He threw some feces.

But make sure it seems like you're there to see him. You're not doing it for me. Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

He's walking around all the time, dragging his hands.

What juggling thing? With the socks? I figured you taught him that. No. It wasn't that big a deal. Just socks. And a melon.

You remember Janice. Vividly.

That thing is not coming in here! This is how you greet guests? If I showed up with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome?

He was more embarrassed about that than anyone.

And then the peacock bit me.

I wanted this to work so much. I'm still in there. Changing his diapers. Picking his fleas. But he's just phoning it in.

It's hard that something you love so much doesn't love you back.

Your mom was arrested? I'm busy beaming with pride.

Well, you know what they say: Be careful what you wish for.

But a man can change.

Anyone want me to appraise anything?

It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it? No. It's the one he's licking.

The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

He's just a complication you eventually kill off. When?

The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Mom, your Bing

We're rehearsing a Greek play.

Ross starts singing The Odd Couple theme song

Yep. You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus...no compass...and I could find my way out like that.

It says in some parts of the world people actually eat the placenta.

Uh, that's our friend Tanya. Of course it's your friend Tanya.

Yeah, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together. But when you throw in Tanya...[GROANS]

The sex of the baby, Ross. Oh. You know the sex of the baby?

Or isn't.

Ross, you're so great. Oh, ha, ha.

[STAMMERING] Am I having a boy? You're having a boy. Aah! I'm having a boy. I'm having a boy.

I always liked 'Bazoombas.' Gives them a Latin spin.

Do you think Dad cheated? I don't think so. That would involve sex.

What's the matter with Rog? It's a little thing. I hate that guy!

You're wrong! Why would I marry her if I thought that she was a lesbian? I don't know. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

Wait! Go back to that 'sibling' thing.

That's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures. You think I'm a failure?

I married a lesbian to make you look good!

She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. - Any contact? - She lent me an egg once. You're in.

Ross's nervous chuckle after greeting

I think it's winning. - I think it's insane. - She'll love it.

Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?

I'm just saying if dogs do experience jet lag, then... because of the whole seven-dog-years-to-one-human-year thing... that when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles... he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses, like, a week and a half.

You mean they're lovers? If you want to put a label on it.

Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part.

Kristen does something... that, funnily enough... wasn't even her major.

You know, this is still pretty hot.

Let's say you and I give it another shot. - Ross. No, no, I know what you're gonna say. You're a lesbian.

Let's just stick a pin in it, okay?

How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. Anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

I tell you, that monkey's a chick magnet. She's gonna look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

You can see your nipples through this shirt.

Talk dirty. Come on. Say something... hot! Vulva.

'Vulva?' All right, I panicked, all right? She took me by surprise. But it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.

Tell me you want to caress my butt! Okay, turn around. I don't want you staring at me while I do this.

Say it! Say it! --run it all over your body... until you're trembling with--

I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines... themes, a motif. At one point, there were villagers.

My monkey is out of control.

We've got dads. We've got lesbians. The whole parenting team.

Ross, that's my jacket. / I know.

Ross's mumbled explanation of Susan

Like buddies. / Like lovers. / You know how close women can get.

So, twins. Ha. That's like two births. Ouch.

Do you wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.

I just never realized the baby was having me.

I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby.

What are you, crazy? That's a baby. / He should take the sack?

Maybe we can make a B out of one of those roses. / Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

You got zero points for 'idney.' / I had a K. Where's my K?

Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy... he touches himself when nobody's watching.

Yeah, the doctor got the K out. He also found an M and an O. We think he was trying to spell out 'monkey.'

He's mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the.'

...gets interrupted.

Unclench. You're not even gonna be here.

I added the 'exactly like me' part.

I can't remember the last time a girl took care of my monkey.

...the murder capital of the Northeast

You should have started with a pencil.

...I don't miss Marcel anymore!

You're off in 'Rachel Land,' doing your 'Rachel Thing'

With the right pumps, that would be a great little outfit.

The neighbors must be vacuuming.

We have got to start locking that door!

Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.

He's mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the.'

'Bring me the' and... Rach?

She said she wants a relationship with someone exactly like me. She said that? I added the 'exactly like me' part.

I can't remember the last time a girl took care of my monkey.

Okay, but before we head off to the murder capital of the Northeast...

I know. I'm sorry. It's partially my fault. I shouldn't have had you start with a monkey. You should have started with a pencil.

It's cold, it's dark. He doesn't know the Village! And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey and a broken foot!

You want me to break my foot too? I'll break it right now. Oh, my God! There, are you happy now? Yeah, now that you kicked the sign... ...I don't miss Marcel anymore!

It's not like I did this on purpose. No, this is just vintage Rachel. Things just sort of happen around you! You're off in 'Rachel Land,' doing your 'Rachel Thing'... ...oblivious to people's monkeys or to people's feelings and...

Hey, banana man!

-Then what's with the bananas? Potassium.

Are you insane? Come here, Marcel. Come here, Patty. Come here, Marcel. Come here, Patty. Here, monkey. Here, monkey!

All right, I want my monkey! -Oh, come on, Luisa. -Sorry, prom queen. You had to be a bitch in school, instead of fat.

It'll be nice to get this off, won't it? Or we can leave it on. That's fine. With the right pumps, that would be a great little outfit.

Are you in the mood for something grape?

We have got to start locking that door!

Well, I went to boarding school with 400 boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.

What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.

It's nothing like me and Carol. If she said to you, 'Ross, I want you on this couch... right here, right now,' what would you say?

It's orthodontists and lesbians.

I have a jam-packed schedule. And I am late for keeping up with it, okay?

Do you? No.

Just like you told her you did. Just pointing out the irony.

More importantly... was l any good?

ln my dreams, l'm surprisingly inadequate.

Pirates again?

All she has to do is dial 55-JlMBO.

Rob that cradle.

No, Andre is not here. Third time today.

l do not perform those kind of services.

That's right. JUMBO with a 'U,' sir. You don't want me. Judging by his number, l'd be a huge disappointment.

Could you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

lf she punches in 9-1-1... she's having a baby. Otherwise, l just ignore it.

Frankly, it was a little more than l needed to know.

Great. Now l'm having a baby.

l'm hurt.

More importantly, was I any good?

Interesting, because in my dreams, I'm surprisingly inadequate.

I love it when we share.

Well, maybe 25, 26. - I am 26. - There you go.

No, Andre is not here. Third time today.

No, sir, I do not perform those kind of services.

Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. That's right. 'JUMBO' with a U, sir.

Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment.

The hills are alive with the sound... of music.

My scone! - My scone! [ALL LAUGHING]

Nobody, uh, handing out mints or anything?

It's morphing time. - Stegosaurus! - Tyrannosaurus!

This morning he got a call from what I think was our cousin Nathan. And frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

Ross? - I'm here.

Ross? - I'm hurt.

But when I spoke to her, she said she'd already passed the mucus plug. [GROANS]

What, it's okay when Chandler does it? You have to pick your moments.

Hey, where the hell have you been? We stopped at the gift shop. I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Susan wanted a-- You're having a baby. A baby. You don't stop for Chunkys.

Fifty-nine seconds. Quartz. Ha. Swiss quartz. Ha, ha.

Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station. I'll get them. No, I'm getting it. Be right back. No, I got it. I'm getting it.

Thanks, Ross. Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

What do you mean, 'back to Jordy'? We never landed on Jordy. We just passed by it during the whole Jesse/Cody/Dillon fiasco.

What is that? Something exploded. It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along. Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Father's Day. There's Mother's Day. There's no Lesbian Lover Day. Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Uh-- Oh, that's great. Anybody seen a nipple?

Oh! A head. Oh. It's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?

What does he look like? Kind of like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jell-O.

How about Ben? I like Ben. Ben. How come you never mentioned Ben before? We, uh, just cooked it up. That's what we were off doing.

And sometimes I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this.

He doesn't do much, does he? Nope, this is pretty much it.

This sure trumps the 'Has he pooped?' series.

-What you got? -400 pictures of Ben on a rug.

You're gonna be making money hand over fist.

-China? -For the museum. Someone found a bone. They don't want us to have it.

It's a whole big bone thing.

Hi, Ben. I'm your father.

Toby, I don't know what she's talking about. There's no Rachel. Don't give me that deep freeze.

I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.

I mean, come on, buddy! Get a real car!

But it only has to happen once.

-No, they will. I just... -Can't wait!

Rachel bleeding from her rush to airport, trying to play it cool: 'Enough about me, Mr. Back From The Orient!'

Ross and Julie telling travel story, Joey interrupts: 'And the chicken poops in her lap!'

Ross: 'You know whose voice that was?' Chandler: 'God?' Ross: 'It was you, pal.'

Ross and Julie's phone call: Extended 'no you hang up' routine ending with 'She didn't hang up'

Ross and Julie: 'We were, uh... Well, there was touching.'

Paolo: 'I do Raquel.' / Ross: 'Ah.'

Ross about Monica's hair: 'Your hair looks too good. It would upset her.'

Ross: 'Yes, yes, it is. In prison!'

Ross leaving: 'When the doctor does that hernia test...' Chandler: 'That's okay.'

Ross about Paolo: 'I hate him. I mean, I actually... I physically hate him.'

Ross's romantic speech ending with: 'Like the way I do with Julie.'

You bought boobs?

Phoebe, that is juice squeezed from a person.

Ross drinks breast milk after saying he won't

Yeah, it tastes kind of sweet. Sort of like, uh... Like what? Cantaloupe juice. Exactly.

Ross tastes breast milk and says 'It's not bad'

There might be a teeny, tiny possibility.

You get the best huts, and women dance naked around you.

He told me to get over myself and just do it. I thought about what you said and about what he said. And his way, I get to have sex tonight, so...

Oh. Never mind. Wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

All I say is, she'd better get the job. Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

I know her pretty well. Can I go?

Thanks, Rach. Good night!

Twice!

There's gonna be a hoopla?

Ben crying stops when passed to different person, immediately resumes when passed back

Ross gagging and reacting badly to pie

Kiwi? Kiwi?! You said it was a key lime pie. No, I didn't. I said kiwi lime.

Either that or my mouth is getting smaller!

Actually, it's getting better. Let's not go. Anyone up for Scrabble?

Maybe they can take the needle and squirt it into my mouth. Like a squirt gun.

Ross squeezing Monica's hand so hard she screams

Sorry! I got my S's back! Celebrate. Celebrate...

They were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

How come it says, 'Property of Human Services'?

Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toys?

Rach, I got a message from you! Who's Michael? Oh, my God. God, Ross, no! Hang up the phone. Give me the phone! Give me the phone! Give me the phone! Give me the...

When were you... under me?

You had feelings for me first. Whoa, huh. You know about my...? You know I had...? You know?

I've got a cab. I've got a girlfriend. I'm gonna go get a cat. Okay. Okay. Cat!

I didn't get a cat. Oh, that's, um, interesting. No. No, it's not interesting. Okay? It's very, very not interesting. It's actually a hundred percent the opposite of interesting.

Not... Not... Not... every night

I don't need your stupid ship! Good! Good! And you know what? Now I got closure!

And then I kissed her. Tongue? - Yeah. - Cool.

That is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait, wait. Yeah, that's just painful.

Me and Julie, me and Rachel. Me and Julie, me and Rach... Rachel! Rachel.

So everybody's here. Everybody's good.

Can't we just use a pen? No, Amish boy.

But Rachel's just a waitress.

her ankles are a little chubby

She's not Rachel.

Yes. It was horrible. She cried, I cried. She threw things, they hit me.

It's the other thing.

Because isn't that... the short story you were writing? Yes, it is a short story... that I was writing.

Walks downstairs Alone or in pairs Everyone knows it's Just a big spring.

Brake, left. Gas, right? / That's my cheat sheet.

Heat, heat, heat! And I'm the obsessive one?

An amount about the size of a pea. How can that be too much?

Wiper blades! / I don't even have a car. / No, but with this new-car smell, you'll think you do!

Stegosaurus fell over, trapped a kid.

Oh, you're, uh... Oh, you're the date.

Much like a... you know. Ahem.

I don't know what she sees in that goober.

It takes him, what? Like, I don't know, uh... hello, a week to get out a sentence?

Try mendelevium. And weenie number two has it.

For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark. You could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful.

You're jealous. Uh, of what? You're jealous because I'm a real doctor. Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in.

It's like, day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.

There was a projectile, uh...throwing up incident, but he started it.

As in, 'I now pronounce you wife and wife' married?

Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

What would it say about me if I couldn't, uh, revel in your joy? And I'm reveling, baby. Believe me.

Is your finger caught in that chair? Mm-hm. Want us to go? Uh-huh.

I gotta get to work. I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. No, that's me. Oh, right.

When my parents divorced, they sent me to a shrink and she told me that kids blame themselves. But in your case, it's actually kind of true.

If my parents didn't want me to marry you...no way that would've stopped me.

Look, penis, schmenis! Okay? We're all people.

That's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.

Stick a fork in me... I am done!

Okay, then eat me, I'm done!

I made Marcel's favorite dish, banana cake... with mealworm.

A monkey's gotta work.

Happy thoughts!

If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

You feel guilty and tense around them already. Might as well make some money off of them.

Man, that is sharp! That must have cost you quite a few doubloons.

'I pity the fool that puts on my jewelry! I do! I do!' 'I pity that fool...'

It's like, back off, buddy! She's a waitress, not a geisha.

Ross Geller. God, in your ad you said you were pretty, but wow!

You're welcome.

You're my lobster.

In the tank! You know, with... with the holding and... Pheebs, you wanna help me with the lobster thing?

Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.

Hey, you're a cheap-a-saurus!

I thought they used that to cover Connecticut when it rains.

Okay, I was wrong. That's what they use to cover Connecticut.

Some girl ate Monica!

Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining...

Sun shining, birds chirping... Really? Mine too... Hey, cool! Mine too!

If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you.

What if we have to pee? / I'll cancel the sodas.

It would help when I'm kissing if you didn't shout my sister's name.

He's like a brother to Dad.

Why don't they just give him a microwave? / Clearly, they don't have a place to plug in.

Yeah, well, you know what? So is Sorentino's.

No idea. It could be.

Thank God!

It's like having a bad haircut all the time.

Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, Dad said: 'God, I hope they get together.'

You could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it.

Actually, Mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

Get out. No. / Wow, Joey, this is, uh... / Art. / Art it is.

Hey, excellent water-table thing. / Thanks. I love this. But you know what? It makes me want to pee. / Yeah, me too. I think that's the challenge.

Well, uh, it's because he had a thing with the... With the thing.

Nice toilet. / No, no, no. Behind it. / You have a phone in here? / That's right. I have a phone. In here.

Wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

What are you doing? / I'm sorry. My pie was in your hood.

Calm down. I'm blow-drying. / Blow-drying what? You have no hair.

I've never wanted you more.

Look at the cranial ridge, okay? If Dino was a velociraptor, he'd have eaten the Flintstones.

Pretty, uh, different, huh? / Oh, I am sorry, but I'm incredibly talented.

Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, all right?

I hated you when we were kids. / You hated me when we were kids? / Yes. I hated you.

God, that is good TV!

Phoebe's got another job, right?

My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

Better not be doing these in order.

Oh, yes, the weenie from Turinie.

Invite Paolo to have a romp in the sack... ...and I'll stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes!

Not even, like... ...chipmunk sex?

It was good with Paolo. - Knock-knock.

I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.

That sounds kind of cool. It's like The Hobbit.

Actually, it's the movie theater that has the timetable.

You know I don't... have a problem with that.

This is why I don't date women who read.

Envelope one of two.

You're living the dream!

Is anyone else starting to really like him?

What else? Has he spoken? Is he driving? Does he have a favorite liqueur?

Did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved! He's never waved before!

A woman I went to college with is the first female blacksmith there. They're a little behind the times in colonial Williamsburg.

A while ago, I got a 'seh' out of him, which I thought might turn into 'seh-condary caregiver,' but...

He's a baby, not a bomb.

Actually, I kind of think that we'll have two babies. You know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully, the girl will come first, so Ben won't feel competitive.

We won't wanna raise kids in the city, so we'll move to Scarsdale. We'll be far enough from our parents so we don't have to see them, but close enough that they can baby-sit.

And yes, I know the taxes are a little higher than Nassau County, but the school system's great.

The Big Book of Children's Names.

You're with a guy who won't stop planning his future with you. He knows we'll end up together. If that scares you, tough! You'll have to deal with that.

Calling it a 'poopy diaper' doesn't make this process any cuter.

Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college!

Ah.

Because it's a special hat. He bought it because he was feeling down one day. So he got the hat to cheer himself up, you know?

We didn't want to have to go and do that.

Who talks like that?

I know where your dog is. I want you to know he'll be returned to you almost as good as new within 24 hours. Goodbye.

Why the voice? Hard to say.

The package says to keep it moving. Stir and drink, never let it settle.

Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Yeah, sure. By someone besides Monica? No.

Couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Because I think actually mine's growing back.

Bullies! Big bullies!

Actually, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow, and this no-faces thing might not be a bad idea. Dana's ovulating. Oh, really? You guys trying again?

Those guys are taking our stuff! Hey, hey!

Now, you can exchange them if you want, okay? Now I love you even more.

Well, actually... just one birthday flan. It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. Talk to Monica. She's on the food committee.

It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today. That's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass. Neat! Cool. Neat, as in no rocks. I know.

Stay clear of the salmon mousse.

Mine too. Isn't that neat? Scotch neat.

I have a condition apparently... that I require... two different sets of focals.

Neil Sedaka wears them.

I was just warming up the earpieces for you.

Yes, it is. I was just moistening the tip.

Sorry, we're on a major flan high.

Yep! Get ready for the gelatinous fun.

So this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?

What does Warren Beatty know about kissing? Heh.

Oh. Heh, heh.

Afraid to ask him? - Could not be more terrified.

Give Rachel another chance to dress like Princess Bubble Yum.

You, I could eat you with a spoon.

Why didn't you tell me? - What could I do? Stand up and shout, 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'

You told me you didn't see anything. - I tell you a lot of things.

she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis.

Which, incidentally, worked out pretty well for me.

You remember not having sex in high school, right? Yeah.

Who are you talking to when you do that?

Both of those Joey?

Did you talk about the Night of Five Times?

Girth? Why? Why? Why?

Your mom? You're telling me about your mom? What's the matter with you? I said 'share,' not 'scare'!

I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life!

We have to be out the door at 7:40. / We have a half-hour. / That was four minutes ago.

How come you didn't come over earlier? / Because I'm a stupid, stupid man.

And that takes, what? Just 6 or 7 minutes? / Yeah. Once I figure out what I'm wearing.

You wanna hear it? / Am I in it? / After I thank everyone for donating to the museum... I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

That's funny. Change.

Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called, 'Get up!'

You know what I did? I got dressed.

I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

Hey, what you do on your own time...

What time is it? It's 7:33. I have 7 minutes. I have seven minutes!

Yeah, pants! What an idea! Or better yet, go without pants.

I'm not gonna go. / You're not gonna go? / No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

Okay, vanilla milkshake. Just a vanilla milkshake... with chicken bits floating in it.

All right, that's it. Give me your underwear.

Janice is coming back from a trip. She gives you two options. Option one: She'll take a cab home from the airport. Option two: You can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do? / Easy. Baggage claim. / Wrong! Now you're single.

It's actually secret option number three. You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.

Sorry, honey. We can't help you there, because we're cuddly sleepers.

I thought you were 'cuddly sleepers'. / No, not cuddly. Not me. Just her. I'm like you. I need the room.

Now, you wait for her to drift off... and then you hug her... and roll her over to her side of the bed. And then you... roll away.

Hug for her. Roll for you.

You can't do this, Mon. If you do this, I'll... / You'll what? / I'll tell Mom.

It may not be ideal, but... / Oh, it's not... / Lips moving. Still talking.

You went to a sperm bank? / Right after I did that sex study at NYU. Remember that sweater I gave you? / That's how you bought it? / No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.

I always pictured you with a tall, smart, blond guy with a name like... Hoyt. / It's a name. Yeah.

You have a sign that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet. Don't pee in our pool.' / We don't have that sign. / You do! It was a gift from me.

Chan, can I talk to you for a second? / Just one additional relationship thought. Something you're probably aware of. Women talk.

...in show business.

Sergio Valente

Power saw kind of got away from me there

First, I'd divide my prospective candidates into categories

Forgiving

Dorothy Hamill

Arm hair stuck! Arm hair stuck!

Yeah? Well, missy, you better be glad that list is laminated

So I bumped you for Winona Ryder. Local

Your dresser is missing, but this she notices.

She met this woman at the gym, Susan something. And they really hit it off, and I think it's gonna make a difference.

Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball. Yeah, so? And now I've picked it up again.

What are they doing? - I don't know. Something girly.

It's the heat. And the humidity. That's... a tough combination.

Usually, yeah. Well, not just lemonade... iced tea, sometimes juice.

No... You don't have a boyfriend because... I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.

Listen, you are one of my favorite people... and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life.

Because Carol's a lesbian. And I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix-and-match situation.

And I'd think: 'God, my wife is cool.' Heh.

Well, now I do!

Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I'd been more nurturing... or I'd paid more attention... or I had a uterus.

My wife's a lesbian. Cool!

Hey, when you guys were kids and you played Happy Days... who were you? I was always Richie. - I was always Joanie.

Oh, shoot. Tomorrow's not good. I'm supposed to, um, fall off the Empire State Building... and land on a bicycle with no seat, so...

Please. He refers to me as 'Wet-Head.'

I had to learn. I was staying at the Y... and some of the young men weren't acting Christian enough.

And I'm a vegetarian.

Uh, museum. What happened to the library? There never was a library.

Yeah, if you're really hungry. Ha, ha. It was a joke. I made a joke.

Gives it a nice antique-y look?

When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that. Ha, ha.

He only tipped, like, 4 percent. Yeah. Ahem, that's Daddy.

The carbon. It's messy. I mean, gets on your fingers and causes... the, uh, night blindness.

I tip way too much, way, way too much. It's a sickness, really.

Well, 'Mr. Big-Shot' is better than 'Wet-Head.'

Four percent, okay? I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.

Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to medical school in a mini-mall.

Except that I could pick your father up and say, 'Like me. Like me, tiny doctor.'

He's Bobby Bobby? Ahem. It's Robert Bobby.

My right leg is two inches shorter. Come on, you're just tilting.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ugly Naked Guy's using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doh fat factory.

What did they do? They painted over the word 'sapien,' for one thing.

Then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.

I just asked Monica... because I know how empty her life is.

Monica bang! / Did he just say, 'Monica bang'? / Oh, my God! He's gonna rat me out!

if you won't tell him about our little bonking incident. / Number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery. And number two, I... / What? / You said, 'number two.'

What did you do, take him whaling?

Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.

I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.

He's alive! He's alive! / And yet we're still poking him.

Says who? Your mom? Ha-ha-ha. Yes.

She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma-arm elbow in my face and just kept running.

The touchdown didn't count because of the spectacularly illegal, and savage, nose-breaking.

I heard that. Well, I said it loud.

You know I had swollen glands!

Oh, what a great argument. Exhaling!

Just admit it. You have no backhand. / Excuse me, little one. I have a very solid backhand.

Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl...is not a backhand. / I was shrieking...like a Marine.

All right, here, watch me execute the three P's of championship play. Power, huah...precision, shew...and panache. [SARAH SCREAMS]

What do you think she'd like? / Maybe a Hello Kitty doll? / The ability to walk?

Your dad tells me you get a couple of days off school...and you don't have to sell those cookies anymore.

I think you'd have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India. / No, the one in Atlantic City. Dad loves the slots.

And what is second prize? / A 10-speed bike. / But I'd rather have something my dad couldn't sell.

Uh, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleepovers.

I can dial 911 at the press of a button, you know. Now, go away. / Please, please. It's for a poor little girl...who wants to go to Space Camp more than anything in the world. / I'm pressing.

All right, do you have any, uh, coconut-flavored deities? / No, but there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menorah-eos.

I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.

No, Mon, Dad had to buy every one of your boxes...because you ate them all.

Oh, God, I gotta go. / Come on. All the cool kids are eating them.

Monica, I'm cutting you off. / No. No. Just a couple more boxes. It's no big deal, all right? I'm cool.

Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.

That's when it occurred to me. The key to my success: The munchies. So I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight.

They call me...[IN DUMB VOICE] ...'Cookie Dude.'

I'm not gonna tell you. You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg. / Hey, now. That was an accident, okay? / You're a big scrud.

What's a scrud? / Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud? / I don't have to. I can just look at you.

Although it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself. / Ahem. That is because my doctor says that I have a very serious...nougat...deficiency.

Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19-year-old sister...who went down to the USS Nimitz and sold over 2000 boxes.

[IN ECHOEY VOICE] Ten, ten, ten. Nine, nine, nine. Eight, eight, eight. Ow.

[IN FALSETTO VOICE] I'm an alien. I'm an alien.

Any excuse to tell that story, you know?

Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex!

No, only for sex. Thank you.

He had to help his niece with her report on the pioneers. That is so made up!

Now he's gonna prep her...as in what you do before you surgically remove the boyfriend!

You grow up.

You know, this building's on my paper route, so...

Rachel Greene's line. How may I help you? - Hi, is Rachel there? - And who may I say is calling? - This is Ross. - Ross of...?

I would never do that.

All right, that's it! Get off of her! - What is going on? - What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on!

What do I have to do to get some service?

Yeah, look what I got! See, she's fully dressed, right? And then you click it, and she's naked! She's a business woman, walking down the street. She's window shopping, and she's naked!

Like an eclipse.

I can eat, but I have to come back here.

What happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did you?

Now, you know those are a delicacy in India.

If I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?

You thought 'See you Saturday' was funny.

...monger.

You're so pretty.

Sounds like she's got the...whole package.

Actually, he's the smallest person in the world.

Forty-five minutes, the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.

Remember that thing that died a gazillion years ago? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!

I wonder how many people would go see a movie called Jurassic Parka.

What's that on the bottom? / Oh. That's my doodle of a ladybug with a top hat. Ha, ha. / She's fancy.

My God. What are you doing here? / Well, you said you couldn't go out, so... / You brought a picnic. Ugh. What a boyfriend. That's it. On Monday, I start wearing makeup.

Heh. Pepper? / None for me. / Okay, sorry. Whoo.

You're not home.

What do you want to drink? Who's that? Nobody. Is that Mark?

You sure you need shoes?

You must be so happy! Yes, I am. One of the many things I'm feeling.

You took my watch? I'm sorry. I do that.

Actually, no, we're not. Yeah, we are. No, we're not. Yeah, we are. No, we're not. Okay, we're not. Right. But we are.

You did a bad thing! Yes, I did. Very bad! Very bad. Very, very bad! I'm agreeing with you.

We were just waxing our legs. Off?

I think women just have a lower threshold for pain than men, that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax.

She was different. Good different? Nobody likes change.

You can have the last piece if you want. Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.

I don't cheat, right? That's not me. I'm not Joey! Yeah, okay.

Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass.

Somebody else hug him. I have to stay by the window.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] Two days of darts. It'll be great.

It'll be great for next weekend. / [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] I mean, 'It'll be great.'

Pity food?

But now it's Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.

A different kind of anniversary. / Oh.

Yeah, anniversaries are great because love lasts forever, you know? There's nothing like it in this life. Money in the bank. So Rachel and I broke up.

Oh. Now you want a favor?

What? You slept with someone else? / We were on a break. / We were... Yeah.

Oh, please? Can't I come to your special, magical cabin?

Oh. Hitting me where it hurts. My ski skills.

Or the rodeo. / That would be great. / I was being Shelley Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.

You don't want to skimp there. / You're a genius. It came to about $112. But what the hell, call it an even 110?

So I'm gonna take off then. [long pause before leaving]

Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realizes that life without me sucks.

Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop. It's still a gift. I got it from the gift shop.

You are a petty man. You are a petty, petty... Petty... petty, petty... small... small...

You haven't worn that since you were 15. It doesn't even fit you anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does it bug you? You bug me.

Is there any chance you didn't see that?

I don't think this town is big enough for the both of us to relax in.

All right, you yellow-bellied, lily-livered... Draw. Yeah, it's fun.

We were all pretty shaken up about it. Am I missing something? I always thought death was supposed to be sad, in a way.

More of a bathtub-type situation.

Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler. I know.

If you wanna make the boys' bathroom realistic...you're gonna have to put some teeny, tiny porno magazines behind the toilet.

I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her?

Really?

That aspirin dance really works.

I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your bellybutton.

All I have to do is close my eyes. See?

Now there are 100 of you, and I'm the king!

Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.

I was kind of supposed to be on TV tonight for the Discovery Channel.

lt's Chandler and us versus Monica and them.

Oh, Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy. -Oh, l'm sorry. This is Cailin. Cailin-- -Sorry. -And break!

Well, this is... -...awkward. -Well, because Rachel and l used to go out. -Oh, l didn't know that. -Well, then this is awkward.

Almost as good as the play with the two naked girls on the seesaw. -l wasn't in that. -l know.

l don't know. Could be because l don't feel like waiting all night for a guy who may or may not scream. -He definitely will scream.

Yeah, and at the end of the play he got up, and he just started, like, banging his hands together.

Whoa! Whoa! No. / Come on, you guys. It's no big deal. / Hey, hey, hey.

No, it's... fancier than a pimple.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Thank you, but I wanna remove it, Pheebs. I don't wanna make it savory.

I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by, you know, grabbing her boob.

I just bought a pretzel from one of the kids from Fame.

I saved 30 cents. Plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!

This is ironic. Your last boyfriend, Richard, didn't want to have kids. And from the looks of it, now Pete can't.

Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics department.

You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head!

You still love me? - No.

No, thanks. I just had an M&M.

Ross and Rachel's simultaneous 'Oh, my God' / 'I know' reaction beat

'If I go in there, she's gonna want to... do stuff'

'Can't you just tell her you're not in the mood?' 'No, she likes that.'

'Faking sleep doesn't work either'

Ross oversharing about morning encounters with Bonnie

'Why am I telling you?' 'I don't know.'

'It wasn't every morning...' 'Oh, making it worse.'

'I didn't even realize how late it was till I noticed the five o'clock shadow on her head'

'It's 5:30 in the morning, so I'd better get cracking on this baby'

'I'll be up in 18 pages. Front and back.'

Ross claiming he read the letter twice when he actually fell asleep

Ross's non-answer: 'Does it?' leading to extended confusion

Everyone's awkward reactions returning from the beach - 'Nothing' repeated

'We were on a break!' 'Oh my God, if you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you'

'You peed on yourself?' reactions

'We were on a break!' explosion

'You had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!'

'It's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!'

Hey, why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Because you have doody on your head.

Yeah, it was funnier when Ben told it.

Have you been taking your grandmother's glaucoma medicine again?

I just spelled the wrong word.

You won't suck me into this. Sure I will. Because you always have to be right.

Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name 'Julio.'

Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat.

Ross, how many parents have you lost? None.

And that's funny, why?

Or we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.

and, uh, Chandler.

Thank you. - Oh, no, thank you.

And somehow we ended up with a joint checking account.

Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world. Yeah, come to Papa!

Fine by me. Hope she wins.

I have a call in about that.

But you can't help me develop my new universal language.

Aborigine.

Aborigine. Oh, no, I tried that already.

Did Homo erectus hunt with wooden tools? According to recent findings.

Do you have any Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?

Don't take this the wrong way... but your place kind of has a weird smell.

Like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time... and garbage is all that has survived.

What kind of smell? I don't know. Soap?

I did it! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug.

You should think of my work... as wordless sound poems.

[Ross's terrible keyboard performance with sound effects]

I left my helicopter sounds on another disk. I'll be back.

You were playing bad on purpose, guys. Just that last song.

-Damn it, Chandler, stop calling. -Joey, it's Ross.

Should we all expect Christmas gifts that are stolen from your office?

Who gets whom.

I don't know why I do that.

You're the one who said Die Hard was your idea. It was. Don't make me show you the napkin.

Why do you want to get rid of her so badly? She exchanges every gift she gets.

I got her that backpack and she loved it. I remember she cried when that big dog ran off with it.

You know what? It's a girlie briefcase. Who cares! He works in a museum.

Maybe you should put some ice on it.

Yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.

If Chandler had kissed Rachel, would you hear him out? That's a good point.

Five years. You've sentenced him? Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open. Who, me? Yeah.

I'm honored. You know what I'm going to do as your best friend? I'm going to get you to talk to Chandler.

-Gunther, have you seen Chandler? -I thought you were Chandler.

-What's? -Well, he's.... He's doing some thinking.

Though you're not supposed to take these. It's, like, a million years old. We actually have people looking for that.

She sees him! They're hugging! He's taking her purse. That's not them.

There's this thing about bees on the Discovery Channel.

I sat near the door so she'd have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.

That joke would have killed in Albany.

Maypole.

If she wasn't kidding, she's not fun. She's stupid and racist.

It's the one with the cat.

It was a different joke. It wasn't that funny.

Yeah, actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous Period.

I was going for the metaphor. / I was saying the actual words.

You might even say he took me on a tour... of myself.

I'm Ross! I'm divorced and I have a kid!

Yeah, especially not with all these knives and cookbooks around.

Challenge extended. - Deal. - Challenge accepted.

It's not like he has a job or a child or a life of his own.

I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to 'Chanandler Bong.'

Oh, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far.

Fourteen? - No, 19. Thanks, man.

Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?

That is a good trick.

You guys have been to every play I've been in. Have I ever had chemistry on stage? -No. -No!

Yeah? Who's playing? The players.

Come on. It was like cousins having sex.

Don't say a word. Just be cool. Don't be, you know, you.

Then I went over to Beefsteak Chewley's.... -Beefsteak Charlie's? -Yes!

Well, if she thought they were on a break....

Sure. You got it! Count me in. Me. Fledermaus. Great!

That is a toughie.

There's a deer outside eating fruit from the orchard! I got to go! There's a deer eating fruit from the orchard!

Emily is... incredible. There are no words to describe her. The whole weekend was like a dream.

No, it's really not that bad. I mean, I, for one, feel perfectly safe. [LIAM & DEVON SHOUTING AND LAUGHING] Help! Help! Help!

Well, actually, the last time you and I saw each other was the next morning. Ha, ha. Oh, Liam. Heh. Oh, Liam.

So, what, were you guys playing soccer or something? Or should I call it... [IN BRITISH ACCENT] ...'football'? Uh...

Ha, ha. Ross play rugby? I don't think so. Heh. What? What's so funny about that?

Well, I mean, you're American, to start with. You don't really have rugby here. Heh. Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776 either, so...

And Yemen. That actually sounds like a real country.

Oh, please, Ross. You got hurt playing badminton with my dad. That's because your mom's dog kept looking at me.

Okay, Ross, look, look, look. Right here, it's called a 'scrum,' okay? - It's kind of like a huddle. - And is a hum kind of like a scruddle?

Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby. You're kidding. And he plays rugby? That's so funny.

I'll be that guy, right outside the circle.

They don't look any bigger than me. That's because you're closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.

Okay, I know what I've gotta do. I've gotta go Red Ross. You know, Red Ross? Totally don't know what you're talking about.

That time that we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves... ...and that one guy cut in front of us, and I just lost it? Huh? Screamed at him, turned all red. Red Ross! No.

[ROSS SCREAMING]

Joey!

Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game. - Right. - Do me a favor? Grab me a bottle of water? - Yeah. - Thanks. - I think I'm dying. I really do.

Tell my son that I love him.

What? No. No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross. Dude, you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross.

God, no. That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.

Real...? I could use that. Trick hip, no cup. Okay, okay.

But Liam's on my team. - I don't care. You just get him. - Go get him.

Look, your eye's still popping out a little. I'm gonna go get some ice. - Okay. - Ooh, ice, yeah. I'm so in the mood for ice.

I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was 4 and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.

You know what? You know what? It's not.

We went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs at the museum. / Without me?

It's a joke. / Anyone for more tea? / No, just me then. / Hey, Ringo.

Every time Emily's around, you talk like her. Would you please cut it out? / I think you like it. / I think you can't resist me when I do it.

You want to eat me up like a cream 'pumpy.' / What? / All right, look, I don't know all the words.

Right. I've got to be off. I'll see you. Bye-bye, then. / Bye-bye, then.

When I'm with her, I'm fun! I do things like run off to Vermont... and you guys saw the doorknob.

You didn't know?

Did she tell you that when she was little... she was partially responsible for new legislation... regulating the strength of swing sets?

What are the odds? / That's enough!

I'm trying to get Emily out of here, and you keep talking to her... being all interesting and making her laugh. I don't want you to be funny anymore.

Rachel's my girlfriend.

If it makes you feel any better, I made a fool of myself. / Helps a little.

Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? / Have a seat.

What photo album was it? / I don't know. It was you and a bunch of albino kids.

Oh, my God! Those weren't albino kids. That was computer camp!

Is that why you hung out with that Ukrainian kid in school?

I am a good kisser. Then you two can sneak into the cockpit.

It's no problem.

She said, 'Thank you.' I said, 'I love you.' And she said, 'Thank you.'

She already lives in London.

You're over! What? You know.

Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?

I missed and hit the door. But it opened really hard.

I made fun of his accent. You sat back and let him have her. You didn't fight. I just told you, I made fun of him behind his back.

Thank you.

Mommy can have a wife. Daddy can have a bra.

What can we do in 17 minutes... twice? / Well, that's ambitious.

Look at you two bonding. Making us late for the airport. / It's just us getting along is difficult for him... because he doesn't like me. / Come on. That's... / It's true.

Turns out that Emily is just crazy about Susan. They're going to the theater together. They're going to dinner. They're going horseback riding! God, Susan is so fun!

My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great.

Two women... stretching! They take a steam, things get playful. Didn't you see 'Personal Best'?

What a weird way to kick me when I'm down!

Something like this would never happen to The Hulk, you know.

You know... Never mind. My girlfriend's a lesbian.

I asked if he wanted to eat. He said no. I asked if he wanted to sleep. He said no. I asked what he wanted to do. He said no. So he's sweeping.

Carol, so were we.

She and Susan are going to a poetry reading together. / So? / Poetry? Susan's gay. They're being gay together!

So I don't know what 'sycophant' means, but the rest is right.

Well, you know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.

Nice luggage. / I was going to say.

I know, I know. Who am l? David Bowie?

He does that? I don't know. Whatever.

When I'm with you, I'm like...this whole other guy. I love that guy! I mean, I love you too. A lot. But that guy! I love that guy!

So? Then you could stay as long as you want.

Yeah, I know. I tried them on. You didn't! No, I didn't. I didn't want to be 'that guy.'

Move in with me? What?

I always hear about them foreigners stealing American jobs. That could be you.

I was with Carol for four years before we got married...and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian.

It's a bit small. Damn! I thought that'd be romantic as hell.

Chandler creates a fake clinic: 'Quit-being-a-baby-and-leave-me-alone' clinic

Monica clarifies her disbelief about Ross's engagement: 'Because it's so fast. Not because you're a loser.'

Ross patronizingly tells Rachel 'You just hang in there' about finding love

Ross's confusion: 'I don't know if we're going to be hungry at three' when Rachel means three people

And you would die.

We'll say that Ben addressed them

I knew. / You did? / I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. / I did.

Try not to let my intense vulnerability become a factor

A break from us

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

No, you hang up. You! / You didn't hang up! / She didn't hang up either

When were you under me?

And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal.

I don't think it's gonna be that difficult, considering this one won't take place in the basement of a Pizza Hut. Oh, I'm Ross, I'm Ross. I'm too good for the Hut. I'm too good for the Hut.

What's my last name? Central Perk?

And, uh, you know, so is the position of the bride.

Yeah, and another one had never been to a party before, so...

That ring, when my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

So you might say it's a magic ring.

What have you got there? Condoms, dude. Well, how come the writing is in spanish? Don't read my condoms.

Mom does it. I never realized it was weird. My mom used to put her head in the oven.

Actually, only the one time. But it's pretty weird.

Got your passport? Third drawer of my dresser. You don't want to lose that!

Well, up yours too! -What? -Oh, that's not what it means. -No! That's 'time out.' -Sorry.

And you wouldn't worry about the salmonella. But of course...with salmon you would have to worry about the chicknella.

They tore it down early.

Do you think my sister's teeny, tiny, little brain comprehends...that people took time out of their lives...to fly thousands of miles to be here?

Don't you point your pants at me!

That pillowcase thing, I thought you were doing The Flying Nun. Sometimes we were.

Then we'll get wet. I don't even have a date.

Jack, that's what they call the subway. -I thought -Dad, we got it.

A joke that's funny in all countries.

I'm getting married today!

I, Ross...take thee, Emily...take thee, Rachel— Emily.

That's what they call the subway. Oh! I thought... Dad, we got it.

And I'll go get drunk.

Face it, my father is not gonna pay for the built-in barbecue. And believe me, you can kiss your gazebo goodbye.

I'm getting married today! Whoo! Heh. Morning. I'm getting married today! Yeah, you are. Woo-hoo!

From now on, everyone gets along. And if I hear one more word...no grandchildren! That's right!

Oh! You can't see me before the wedding. It's bad luck. I think we've had all the bad luck we're going to have.

It's Phoebe! He looks pretty mad.

Take thee, Rachel... Emily!

Ross says 'Take thee, Rachel' instead of 'Take thee, Emily' at his wedding

Ross's nervous laugh and 'Like there'd be anybody else' after being told to repeat Emily's name

Ross's father's sarcastic 'Boy, a bad time to say the wrong name, huh, Ross?' followed by Ross's oblivious 'That's true. Thanks, Dad.'

Ross's oblivious 'you don't need to rub my butt' to his concerned friends

Hey Ross! / Boddington's! / Oh, man! / I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys.

You abandoned her on a plane to Greece. / I did not 'abandon' Rachel. Okay? Emily showed up at the airport. I had to go after her. I did what I had to do. She's my wife. Rachel is my wife. / Emily! / Emily is my wife.

I can't believe she can outrun you. / Hey! She's fast, okay? You think you can beat me? Let's go! Outside!

One for each day I've known and loved her.

It's not raining. / I can't catch a break!

Monica's right. Swing dancing can be tricky.

My God! Think of the massacre.

Paper. / Yeah? What's it about? / The events from around the globe.

'Hey, Ross! Where's the missus?' 'Don't know!'

And so the miracle of birth begins. And I... You okay? Something hurts.

It's sympathy pains. That's so sweet! I didn't know I cared that much.

Now, girl baby, turn away. And boy babies... check it out! This is what naked women looked like when you were born.

So, Dan... nurse, not a doctor, huh? Kind of girlie, isn't it?

Thanks for doing that for us, by the way.

I want the drugs, Ross! I do too! I do too!

Ready? Time to try peeing.

Well, I have... and the technical definition is: Two friends who care a lot about each other... and have amazing sex... and just want to spend more time together.

Don't do the dance. Right.

I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!

I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!

Oh, it's '4-3,' not 4-2. Well, which 4-2?

A lot of those muppets don't have thumbs.

When you said 'the deal with Santa,' you meant...? That he doesn't exist. Right.

Tea. They have a queen.

So? She's a woman.

It'll be great because we'll have Big Ben and little Ben in the same city.

It'll be just like Three's Company, only there's a kid and my wife and you're the gay ones.

We're going to be like two idiots in love!

Thanks for the help. Problem solved!

It's not a toy.

I'm focusing on the 'I get to see my wife' part... and not on the part that makes me do this.

LaPooh's still alive?

You should've seen the look on her face.

You got married too fast. / That's not advice.

Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour.

That didn't happen, I made that up.

I've been given the gift of time.

Oh, God. I really missed that fat bastard.

Didn't you sign a lease? Who needs a lease when it's 'family'?

I've been moving around so much that I feel like a nomad.

We will, We will call you back

What is the deal with this? Bye-bye, little puppet Joey hand?

Not even on page seven?

So I'm a pimp, huh?

The cowboy hat's a little much. Come on, it's fun!

Isn't this a woman's hat? Stop talking crazy, and make us tea!

Joey got a turkey stuck on his head? It's not like it sounds. It's exactly like it sounds.

I got it! You pull. I'll spread the legs as wide as I can.

Yeah, that's the same.

Right, Clifford Alvarez? Listen, Roland Cheng...

She plays for both teams.

Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!

Look, I left a note and everything. 'Knock-knock.' 'Who's there?' 'Ross Geller's lunch.' 'Ross Geller's lunch, who?' 'Ross Geller's lunch. Please don't take me. Okay?'

It was the water fountain, okay?!

Hey, Tribbiani! Give me that coffee! Now!

Her secret is, she puts an extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle. I call it 'The Moistmaker.'

Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?

You threw my sandwich away? My sandwich?!

But I definitely don't care about my sandwich.

Top shelf, expired products

I'm not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical. / Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?

It's weird, you're starting to sound a lot like Chandler lately.

Done. / And it can't be Joey. / It's not. / Or Joseph.

Not the creator of 'Crazy Lawsuit Game.'

Well, you weighed 200 pounds.

Oh, fine. Ready? Wrestle!

If you were a friend, you'd be doing the same. / So being a friend means being a jerk? / If it does, then you're an amazing friend of mine.

You said you would, but you didn't. / Oh, yeah.

This took you all day? / No, this took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new Ultimate Fireball!

Can't kiss your sister. / Who's gonna kiss my sister? / Chandler.

Who would you rather have kiss your sister? / That's a good point.

Just the one divorce in '99. [BLOWS NOISE MAKER]

I would love it if one of those was true.

Really? Who have you taught? / Well, I taught me and I loved me.

Elizabeth Hornswoggle. / Hornswoggle.

No, no, I just think that maybe I've heard it somewhere before. / Oh, really? Where? / Somewhere funny I'll bet.

Hornswoggle? / Oh, this must be killing you.

You know, some might find it amusing. I myself find it regular.

Ooh. You nailed the Old Lady. Oh! Oh, ha, ha!

I've never owned a really good-smelling pair of pants before.

It's my New Year's resolution. / To blind my child?

My God, these pants. I'm burning up.

Oh, God. She wants to snuggle now? What, is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here.

[FARTING NOISE] / That was just the pants and the couch.

No, I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off. But they must have shrunk from the sweat or something. Or my legs expanded from the heat.

And the lotion and the powder have made a paste.

Hey, can you turn the lights off? / No. Let's just leave the lights on.

Oh, my God. / I had a problem.

Ben drew a picture of you. You're a cowboy. / Because of the leather pants?

I would make a good cowboy.

Someone I know is getting married. Yeah, weddings are happy occasions. Oh, by the by, it's my ex-wife, Emily!

Stupid British snack food!

So you're saying I've become so whiny that I annoy you... Janice.

I gave you 27 dollars. No strings attached!

Dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat. Sorry. And the bunny got away.

This would be the place where you explain the hat.

And you'll make them disappear?

Right. She's on a new spiritual plane and she'll come to the coffeehouse.

Not the way they're doing it.

I'd walk in there, I'd be like, 'Yo, Dad! You and me, outside. Right now!'

I kind of scared myself.

And by 'we'... I mean society.

You give the best bad massages.

Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled 'Clothes.'

Aw, I'm going to miss that big old squishy butt. And we're done with the chicken fried rice.

That is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.

A basket of mini muffins. There's a whole table of mini muffin baskets. Which one did you send? The small one.

Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those muffins. It was the best day. Your work makes me sad.

Poor cat never saw that big butt coming.

I'm sorry, I can't help but notice that you're naked and... I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked.

That is how God intended it.

Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years. / Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.

I mean, I don't know Howard. / Howard's the handyman. / Yes, but to me, he's just 'man.'

Can you believe that guy? / I really like his glasses.

A little kid spit on my knee. And told me to wipe it off with my $100 bill.

If you want them to like you, why don't you just pay the $100? / The party will cost you more. / That doesn't matter! It's my principles!

I thought it was about your neighbors liking you. / They'll like me once they come to my awesome party.

She's right, you know? / Yeah, but still, cheap shot!

What a bad idea. / I can't not look at it.

Come here to me. What? You say that to kids? The 'Come here to me' is, you know, for the ladies.

Not only did we go out... we did it 298 times!

A loser you did it with 298 times!

Pivot! Pivot!

This couch is cut in half. I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half.

Look, I'm a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.

I will take it.

Oh, my God! What did I ever do to you? Did I squeeze too hard? Let's just say I'm glad I'm not Chandler.

You got ink on your lip.

They're gonna do it together. / That's my girlfriend. / So I gotta shut it down now?

You're not his godfather. / What? Are you kidding? Of course I am.

He was so good, he convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad.

I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Are you doing Joey's: 'The audition didn't go so well... Yeah, it did'? / Yeah, I am!

No. We're like best friends. That's why it's weird. / I thought we were just talking.

This commercial belongs to me and Mitch! / Your kid's name is Raymond! / Yeah? So is yours!

First of all, the impression? Uncanny.

We don't need her measurements. Ha, ha. Pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni.

And when she does, I will turn on the charm 'au' Ross.

Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better, uh...I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

What? Oh, I mean... No, no, no. The, uh...Your hair. Before. Your hair. You said you thought your hair looked like an 8-year-old boy's...and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.

You understand, I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.

And thank you for that. But I never had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

And not the one on the menu.

You and those, uh, vegetables have a real, uh...thing going on, huh?

Do you like it? No. That would be, 'Why are you being cute?'

Gas? Wow, ha, ha. Intense.

They put that in. What? The gas is odorless. But they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Was I talking to her about gas? More so than anything else.

What else do they add smell to?

Hey, man. What's up? / Just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow.

Oh, Ross! Look, look! / What? Where? / Right over there! There! Look, look, look! / What am I looking at? / Somebody help me out here.

Want me to grab the berry? / It's called a cherry. / It's called... Chandler!

Yeah. No one talks like that. / Oh, what, like you're Mr. Cop? / I'm more cop than you two.

Hey, Gary. Who am I? / Phone home.

What is he doing? What the hell is he doing? / What is it? / Is everything okay? / What? / He sees us. Don't move. And don't look at him!

You are in our apartment all the time! This is just a drop in the bucket, mister!

The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near-death experience. / What happened? / We were on the ride-along with Gary and somebody took a shot at me! / Really? / No. A car backfired.

That was not a near-death experience. That was barely an experience. / You weren't there!

Hey, was Monica here? / I want my money back. / You probably need that for stamps, right?

I know Joey would be in the foxhole protecting all of us. / If the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

That's why they call it Staten "Island".

Oh, I thought it was like Long Island. Also an island.

What is it? What the hell is that? It's a cat. That is not a cat!

Oh, yeah. That's right! I'm not a dropper!

Maybe that's because she's a minion of the Antichrist.

Sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.

How did I get this reputation as a dropper? I am anything but a dropper. Ross!

All those in favor, say 'eye.'

Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?

Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

Extended sequence of Phoebe ignoring Ross

Well, if you don't know, I can't help you. Well, I don't know. Well, I can't help you.

Okay, I'm the baby. Hey. Stop it.

Why are you mad at me? You said I was boring. Oh.

Art lover.

Was that supposed to be an insult? -I don't know, I'm very tired.

To walk around naked. No, so I can be by myself. Have a little alone time. Naked alone time.

Why does it takes me so long to answer the door?

Check me out. I'm in my kitchen... naked. I'm picking up an orange. I'm naked.

Oh, my God! That's Rachel, naked!

Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing?

The physical act of love.

But it was a first for the rest of my building.

Hey, lady! I don't care how much you want it, okay? I am not gonna have sex with you in the bathroom!

Rach, wait. The men's room is that way.

I took it off, and then I drew it back on.

Um, he said he thought I was funny.

There are tons of freaks here. No other. No.

There was some staring and pointing.

Nope.

Which is what we play to at this casino!

Joey lives with a duck.

I have a condom in my wallet that I've had since I was 12.

We'll bring it back. Put it under your dress.

Hello, Mrs. Ross! Well, hello, Mr. Rachel!

Hello, Mrs. Ross. Well, hello, Mr. Rachel.

You are asking me to be your wife. And as my wife, I think you should grant me this favor.

Hey, hey... is there any such thing as an annulment shower?

What? We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. See you later.

Want to hear something weird? Always. I didn't get the annulment.

What? We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. See you later.

There's a cab. Taxi! That's great. What timing! My God, huh? There you go. We're gonna walk. It's right at the Angelika. The Angelika! Go! Go!

Three divorces! Three divorces! Yes, in that high voice.

Oh, my little sister and my best friend... shacking up.

Big day, huh? People moving in. People getting annulled.

If you see her, give her some really bad news, so mine doesn't seem so bad.

My life is an embarrassment. I should just go live under somebody's stairs.

The only guys below me will be Four-Divorce Guy... Murderer Guy... and geologists.

First marriage: Wife's hidden sexuality. Not my fault. Second marriage: Said the wrong name at the altar. A little my fault. Third marriage: They shouldn't let you get married when you're drunk and have writing on your face. Nevada's fault.

And I have loved her in the past... but now, she is just my wife.

We were drunk! I would've married Joey with that amount of alcohol. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!

She means nothing to me. Nothing! Okay, now I wouldn't date you because you seem a little creepy.

Yes. Second in two years. Third, overall.

Have you considered therapy? I think just the annulment for today.

What about someone who looks like Rachel? I will think about the therapy.

So did you get the annulment? I couldn't. I knew it. Because you love Rachel.

She took it really well. -You didn't tell her, did you? -No.

I was a friend being a friend to a friend.

coconutty.

Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts.

If the place you're referring to is being in love... she is in the same place as me, because I am not in that place.

Thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago... killing, but perfectly preserving, an entire civilization.

I do not re-love her.

Hero? I don't know. Well, all right.

A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York!

Yeah, I didn't think of that.

And unfortunately, this room could destroy you!

Is that what I want? Yes.

I know what you're thinking. That she'll move in with you, then fall in love with you, and then... when she finds out you're already married, she'll be happy.

I see what this is. You are in love with Rachel! It all adds up! You're obsessed with her. It's always: 'What will you do about Rachel? Why are you moving in with Rachel? When will you confess your secret marriage to Rachel?' You want her!

Saved by the bell.

That was the head of the paleontology department... at N... Y... U.

-They loved it. -Well, who wouldn't?

How great would that look on the mailbox? Professor Geller. Professor and Mrs.

Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club. / Wait a minute, hold the phone. You're not talking about Chuckles University?

I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either.

Everyone's all, 'Ross, you have to be funny and sexy.' Well, I proved them wrong! / -That you're not funny or sexy? -That's right!

What he believed to be igneous was, in fact, sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when.. / Oh, bloody hell.

Look, I was nervous. You guys had me all worried I was gonna be boring. I got up there and they were all, like, staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.

You can have an accent, but I can't? / Top of the morning to you, laddies! / Would you just please stop? / Yes, yes, Bombay is very, very nice this time of year.

They're probably not even listening to you. / They're not listening to me? / Of course they're listening to you. / Monica, do you think I should try this phasing-out thing? / I think you look fine.

All right. I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous, and the accent... just came out. I'm sorry.

Well, hello, Rachel!