The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line

Chandler:It's like torture. I'm talking about real torture - the kind they do in those movies where they strap you to a chair and shine lights in your eyes.

Joey:What are you talking about?

Chandler:I saw Janice naked! And now I can't unsee it. It's like they waterboarded my brain with the image of Janice's—

Chandler:Okay, I'm gonna think of her as my sister. My sister with the smooth legs.

Chandler:No, no, that's not working. Okay, I'm thinking of her as a man. A man with really smooth skin.

Chandler:This isn't going to work.

Monica:Wait, wait. Let me see.

Ross:No!

Monica:Come on, just a peek!

Ross:Monica, no!

Joey:I'm dating two women at the same time!

Chandler:Joey, that's wrong!

Joey:I know, I know, but... *takes bite of pizza* ...this pizza is amazing.

Chandler:I'm really upset for Joey. Do you know how hard it is for him to find a woman who appreciates him? Well, mostly because of his appearance, but still. And if he can't find someone, then I have to keep listening to him complain about it. And frankly, I have my own problems.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're basing all of this on what? She ordered coffee?

Chandler:Pick a lane.

Joey:Pick a lane? I don't know anyone named Lane.

Monica:*laughs uncontrollably*

Monica:Come on, play us something! What are you so embarrassed about?

Ross:I'm not embarrassed, I just... it's personal, you know?

Monica:Oh please, how bad could it be? Just play it!

Ross:Fine, fine...

Monica:Oh my God! Is that... 'Play That Funky Music'?

Ross:I've been working on some new material. They're what I like to call 'wordless sound poems.'

Chandler:You mean like... noises?

Ross:No, they're not noises. They're carefully crafted, experimental soundscapes that transcend the limitations of language.

Monica:Ross, that's just you making weird sounds.

Ross:It's performance art!

Ross:I've been working on my electronic music. I think I've really found my sound.

Chandler:Your sound? Ross, that sounds like a dying robot having a seizure.

Monica:Yeah, and not in a cool, experimental way.

Ross:You guys don't understand true artistry.

Monica:That was... so good! You guys are like the Beatles!

Monica:If the Beatles were terrible.

Ross:I'd like to play another piece.

Chandler:Oh no.

Ross:It's called 'Helicopters'.

Joey:Helicopters?

Ross:Yeah, it's very challenging. There's a lot of helicopter sounds.

Phoebe:Oh, thank God for soundproofing.

Monica:Oh my God, I kissed him! I kissed him!

Monica:Why would you let me kiss him?!

Phoebe:Your music is really different from what you usually hear.

Rachel:Yeah, because what you usually hear is actual music.

Joey:Hey little guy, you know what? You got some nice breasts.

Joey:Yeah, very perky. Not like some of the girls I've dated.

Kathy:Are you watching Baywatch?

Joey:I'm reading the articles.

Kathy:So where do you like to sit?

Chandler:Well, I like to start on the edge, then I move to the middle, and then I like to finish up against the back.

Kathy:Oh!

Chandler:What? It's a really comfortable chair!

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Look, the thing is, my car's been making this weird noise, and I think the transmission might be—

Chandler:Hello? Hello? Joey, are you there?

Joey:Yeah, I'm here!

Chandler:Oh thank God. I thought we got cut off.

Joey:No, no, I'm still—

Chandler:Hello? Joey?

Kathy:I'm so excited about my hair appointment today. I'm thinking about getting it cut short.

Chandler:Oh wow, your hair looks amazing! Did you get it cut? It looks so great!

Kathy:No, I didn't go yet. My appointment got cancelled.

Chandler:Oh... so you're just saying that... before it happens.

Kathy:Oh my God, that explains so much. I thought you were just trying to give me that "wet retriever" look.

Chandler:That was intentional!

Kathy:Well, next time, a little less tail, a little more volume on top.

Chandler:Your hair looks great today.

Kathy:Thanks, I grew it myself.

Chandler:Oh my God...

Chandler:The phone is ringing!

Joey:I hit a dog with my car.

Joey:That's probably why my transmission's gone.

Kathy:I really did forget my purse!

Chandler:So we'll just forget this ever happened.

Kathy:Yeah, absolutely. It never happened.

Chandler:We'll just go on being friends, and we'll never, ever speak of it again.

Kathy:Right. Friends.

Chandler:For the rest of our lives. No matter what. Even if we're on our deathbeds, we won't mention it.

Kathy:I have feelings for you.

Chandler:Well, I have a very good health plan, so I can get that looked at.

Chandler:Are you still there?

Kathy:No.

Monica:You know, there's a really good suicide hotline just around the corner.

Phoebe:I can't follow you, Ross. It's like when circus chimps try to follow the Beatles. They're just throwing cymbals around, they have no idea what's going on.

Phoebe:You know, people just don't understand true art. They hear something different and they run away like frightened little animals.

Phoebe:That's okay. Van Gogh didn't sell a painting in his lifetime either.

Monica:You're not good either, Phoebe. You suck too.

Phoebe:Well, maybe I am bad! But at least I'm not a bunch of phonies like all of you!

Rachel:Yeah! And you know what? We're all terrible people. Monica's controlling, Joey's selfish, Chandler's a mess, Ross is boring, and don't even get me started on you guys judging Phoebe.

Phoebe:Thank you! Finally someone says it!

Joey:How did you afford all this furniture?

Chandler:Well, I have a job.

Joey:Yeah, but like, a good one?

Chandler:Joey, I'm trying to set you up with Casey.

Joey:Wait, I thought you liked Casey.

Chandler:No, no, I like Kathy.

Joey:Oh right, the girl you can't stop talking about.

Chandler:Oh, that's okay. I think I'll just stay home and practice my personality.

Phoebe:I can't perform after Ross. I'm sorry, but his music is a gift. A gift that keeps on not giving.

Phoebe:No! No, you have to keep playing. The world needs to hear your music.

Ross:Really?

Phoebe:Yeah, I mean, what if you stopped and then like, years from now, someone invents a new instrument, and it's perfect for you, and you're not around anymore because you gave up? The world would never hear those songs.

Monica:Wow, Chandler, that's a really nice couch. Are you sure you're not just doing this to impress Joey?

Chandler:What? No, I just thought—

Monica:Because if you keep buying him things like this, he's going to expect you to propose next.

Monica:Well, at least you guys are loyal to each other. I mean, sure, Chandler betrayed Joey, but you all stuck together through it.

Phoebe:Oh my God, this is terrible! Chandler betrayed Joey? That's so dark and twisted... I'm gonna write a song about it!

Joey:Hey, try this! It's a new drink I invented. I call it a 'Chandtini.'

Chandler:A Chandtini? What's in it?

Joey:Well, it's equal parts vodka, gin, and vermouth, with a splash of—

Chandler:So it's a martini.

Joey:No, no, no! It's a Chandtini!

Chandler:Yeah, I know. That's just what you call a martini when you name it after someone you're trying to impress.

Joey:She said we needed to take a break. I said, 'A break from what?' She said, 'From us.' And I'm like, 'Oh, okay, so this is a scene. We're doing a scene.' She's like, 'No, Joey, I'm serious.' And I'm thinking, 'This is method acting. She's really committed.'

Joey:You didn't just cross the line, man. You didn't just cross it. You took the line, rolled it up, and used it as a jump rope.

Joey:All the furniture is tainted!

Joey:That couch is tainted!

Joey:That chair is tainted!

Joey:I can't even look at the coffee table without seeing that ugly thing in my mind!

Joey:And this bread? This bread was made specifically for Chandler!

Monica:That noise you made? It killed every rat in the basement. They all just fell over dead.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Only the last song was intentional!