Joey Tribbiani

You never knew she was a lesbian?

Strip joints! Hey, you're single. Have some hormones.

Like there's a rule, or something?

She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. until it starts to get red.

I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket. - Which goes where? - I have no idea.

Say her - Leg?

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream. Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla. You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.

Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!

Andrea's the screamer. Angela has cats.

Unless you saw the Wee One's production of Pinocchio.. at the little theater in the park? - It was a job!

I said you had a nice butt. It's just not a great butt.

See, the problem is, though... after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was... you girls are always looking for the comedian again.

Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.

When did you have it on last? / Doy. Probably right before she lost it.

Kind of puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?

Well, this is still ruined, right?

"Hey, that was really good." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Thanks."

"When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete." "You miss it?" "No, not so much."

"That's ridiculous. Can I use either thumb?"

"We won!" "Fantastic. I have one question: How is that possible?"

"I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan."

"Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody, or just him?"

"Now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right? I think it's endearing."

"Yeah. He could row like a Viking."

Probably kill myself.

If little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live.

Ross, I'm sorry. I had no idea. I thought it was a theoretical question.

The hell with hockey! Let's all do that!

What are you doing? / I have no idea.

Peach pit. / Yes, bunny? / Peach pit. That night, we had... / Peaches? / Actually, nectarines but... / Could've been a peach.

Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's. / What? I thought we were trying to find stuff.

All you needed were guys hitting each other with sticks.

Now you're gonna be in a wheelchair the rest of your life, pally-wally....

What is it, that she left you for another woman that likes women?

Oh, boy. Hockey was a big mistake.

You kidding? The guy's a freak. I judge him.

You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. You just look down, and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

You're sitting with her. She has no idea what's happening. You finally get up the courage to do it. There's that awkward moment when you've handed her the note.

Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi... three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool.

You look good. Because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs. You don't say.

You and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, um... Monica.

You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed! Wow! My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

Close? She's got her tongue in his ear. Like you've never got a little rambunctious with Ross.

I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us... we can break them up.

JOEY [IN GERMAN ACCENT]: Well, Eva... we've done some excellent work here.

All you want is a dinkle / What you envy's a schwang / A thing through which you can tinkle / To play with or simply let hang

ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play! What'd you think? ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play!

It was better than the troll thing. At least you got to see my head.

An agency left me its card. Maybe they wanna sign me! Based on this play? Based on this play!

My agent has just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie!

'I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!' Seriously, what's the part? 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!'

I'm his butt double, okay? I play Al Pacino's butt.

All right? He goes into the shower, and then... I'm his butt.

I need to borrow some moisturizer. For what? What do you think? Today's the big day!

Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know? His wife's dead, his brother's missing. I think his butt would be angry here.

I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...

They said I acted too much with it.

Joey introduces himself: 'Officiating at tonight's blackout is Rabbi Tribbiani.' The beat that follows showing 'Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles' with the group's reaction 'Ooh, look...Oh!...Ooh. That had to hurt.'

The running sequence of Chandler trying to tell his friends he's trapped with Jill Goodacre but mumbling so badly that no one understands. He tells Monica and Joey in mumbles, they finally understand via Joey's reaction 'He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre.'

The 'weirdest place' game begins. Monica goes first: 'Senior year of college, on a pool table.' Joey responds: 'Pool table? That's my sister.' Implying he's slept with Monica.

Joey's turn: 'The women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.' Rachel asks: 'What were you doing in a library?' Phoebe's turn: 'Oh, um, Milwaukee.' Implying Phoebe's weirdest sexual experience is simply a location name.

Ross is about to confess to Rachel. Monica, Phoebe, and Joey all loudly shush him from the background. Ross: 'What are we shushing?' Monica: 'We're shushing because we're trying to hear something.' Awkward beat. 'Don't you hear that? Ah.' They all listen to something inaudible (likely a siren or distant noise).

Monica almost leaves the apartment to execute Ross's surprise birthday party plan. Joey stops her: 'You can't go out there. Because of, uh, the reason.' Monica asks what reason. Joey finally confesses: 'He's planning your birthday party.' Rachel hears and says 'Oh, my God. I love him.' Monica realizes Joey already told her, and Joey realizes nobody told him. Monica complains: 'I'm always the last to know everything.' She then lists examples: 'I was the last one to know when Chandler got bit by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last to know you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.' Rachel responds: 'What? Oh. Looks like I was second to last.'

Paolo arrives (a mysterious handsome man speaking Italian). Monica introduces him: 'This is Paolo.' The group reacts with interest. Monica explains: 'He doesn't speak much English.' Joey asks: 'So, uh, where did, uh, Paolo come from? Italy, I think. Heh. No, I mean tonight, in the building? Suddenly into our lives?'

The group is in darkness. Joey laughs maniacally. All laugh maniacally. Ross announces: 'Okay, guys, I have the definitive one.' The group expects another joke but there's just Ross's maniacal laugh followed by a groan. Monica then says: 'Uh, Ross...This probably isn't the best time to bring it up...but you have to throw a party for Monica.'

Twice? Oh, that sucks!

Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. You're watching a football game at a funeral? No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.

Just a, uh... hearing disability.

Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.

Yes, I am. As of today, I'm officially Joey Tribbiani, actor/model.

No, but I hear Lyme disease is open, so you know....

In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.

Aramis. Aramis. Aramis. -Yeah, right!

You're amazing! You know when to spritz. You know when to lay back.

Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.

I mean, it's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.

An unbelievable thing happened! Underdog got away!

The balloon? -No, no, the actual cartoon character.

An 80-foot dog over the city? How often does that happen? -Almost never.

We're waiting for you to open the door. You have the keys. -No, I don't.

No, I didn't. I asked, 'Got the keys?' -No, no, no. You said, 'Got the keys!'

Why would I have the keys?!

Monica, only dogs can hear you now. Look, the door's open. Here we go.

All right, Ugly Naked Guy! -Ugly naked dancing!

You got the bigger half! What did you wish for? -The bigger half.

Here's to a lousy Christmas! -And a crappy New Year!

That monkey's got a Ross on his ass.

Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager.

He's not even jolly. It's all political.

Nice shoes, huh? God, you're killing me!

What's an elf to do?

You brought your kids. Yeah. That's okay, right? Party!

Wow, that's dirty. Yeah.

Hey, Fun Bobby! How's it going, man? Whoa! Who died?

You seen Sandy? I don't know how to tell you this... but she's in the bedroom getting it on with Max. Oh, I did know how to tell you.

I remember page 79. The thing after the opera with the girl with the trick hip?

Why would she say that's embarrassing? ...I just get this craving for kung pao chicken.

Oh, God, I love her! I think I'm having a stroke.

Well, I'm gonna go to tinker-town.

I'll just pee in the street.

Right. No big deal. In bizarro world.

You broke the code. What code? You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay. Maybe a hot-looking aunt. But not a mom. Never a mom.

Well, you don't have your racquet. No. No, I don't because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.

I'll have you know, Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day.

You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

He forgot to leave his grip size. He didn't get the goggles.

You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

I didn't kiss her. See what happens when you break the code?

Just try to picture her not pregnant.

All right, there, mother-kisser?

The question is, when are you gonna realize I have a bomb? Are you sure she didn't say: 'When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?' That makes more sense.

What's a 'niffle'? You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Wait, I just got to the part about her 'public hair.'

Need a new table. You think?

So what? Like people are gonna come in and think, 'Uh-oh, I'm outside again.'

So how does this work? Gonna balance the plates on these little heads?

You're like... Like the anti-Paolo. My Catholic friend is right.

You guys are always hanging out in my apartment. Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies.

One more game? Oh, yeah.

What happened to the puppet guy? Dad.

You're having an affair, I chop garlic. It's a wacky world.

I don't know. Then you haven't.

You're burning tomatoes. You're one to talk.

It's like if you woke up and found out your dad leads this double life. He's like actually some spy working for the CIA. That'd be cool. This blows!

Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.

If you go to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff. I want you here so I can keep an eye on you.

As long as you are under my roof, you're gonna live by my rules. That means no sleeping with your girlfriend.

I can't sleep in my underwear. Well, you're gonna.

Thanks, Chandler. Get off!

Ma! What are you doing here? I came to give you this and this!

Big ring!

You're 10 times prettier than she is. That's sweet. Could I take her? With this ring, no contest.

And my sister, Tina, can't see her husband. He got a restraining order. Which has nothing to do with it. I found out today.

Things have changed here on Walton's Mountain.

Clear the tracks for the boobie payback. Next stop, Rachel Greene.

Joey, what the hell were you doing? Sorry, wrong boobies!

Hello, Joey! Hello, dear!

She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. - Any contact? - She lent me an egg once. You're in.

Here's your egg back. I'm returning your egg.

I think it's winning. - I think it's insane. - She'll love it.

Think it'll work? - It's suicide. The man's got an egg.

Pathetic mess. I know, but... Come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinking: [MIMICS CASH REGISTER]

How do I look? - Oh, um... I don't care.

She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is. But I definitely want to be a part of it.

Brian's Song!

How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. Anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Whoa, you cuddled? How many times?

Come on, come on. All right, ready? Oh, Ross... you get me so hot, I want your lips on me now. See? Now you say something.

Tell me you want to caress my butt! Okay, turn around. I don't want you staring at me while I do this.

Say it! Say it! --run it all over your body... until you're trembling with--

Phoebe appearing as their waitress when they call for service

Phoebe literally walking away when they ask to 'start over'

Oh, yeah, I've done that.

I've never done that.

They're twins. / I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot.

You know that thing when we talk about things? Let's not do that anymore.

Look, this could be a really long game.

Not from where I was standing. / Where were you standing?

You don't dip your pen in the company ink.

Oh, cool. Urkel in Spanish is Urkel.

She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.

Oh, no, no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Well, maybe now I'm not okay with it not being okay.

You meant sex, right?

Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

Don't say 'listen.' I know that 'listen.' I've said that 'listen.'

You don't drink. / That's right, I don't. But I was drunk on you.

I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.

I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.

Of course! -Oh. Then, no.

And they're very hot!

I can't believe we're discussing this. -I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.

She said she wants a relationship with someone exactly like me. She said that? I added the 'exactly like me' part.

All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? It's his first time out, so he'll do touristy things. I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.

-A monkey. -Yes, have you seen any? No, I haven't seen a monkey. Can you fix radiators?

We may not know about radiators... ...but we do have expertise in the heating and cooling milieu.

Aren't we in the middle of something? But these women are very hot, and they need our help. And they're very hot!

He's this high and answers to the name Marcel. So if we could get pictures of you, it'd help us out.

For future reference, that thing in your hand... can also be used as a phone.

This is where you'd use that 'hello' word.

When she taught you to kiss, were you wearing any kind of little uniform?

Up until l was 9... l thought 'gunpoint' was a place where crimes happened.

Why do people continue to go there?

lt's morphin' time.

Then at four, Muppet Babies is on.

For the ride.

My scone! - My scone! [ALL LAUGHING]

Could you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

It's morphing time. - Stegosaurus! - Tyrannosaurus!

I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handing out cigars.

Shoot, shoot, shoot. Or just fall down. That's good too.

They couldn't hit a boat if-- Wait.

Uh, let me get the father. Hey! We need a father over here! We need a father! There's no father. Oh. Oh. Oh, sorry.

What do you mean, 'Joey who?' [MOUTHS] Joey who? Tribbiani. Joey Tribbiani.

She's not much of a phone person.

So is this her? No, this is a loaner.

Yeah, Knicks by 10. They suck. Eh, they're not so bad.

Where have you been? Oh, I just had a baby.

So is this her? No, this is a loaner.

I know. I still am one of these.

Just, you know, science. Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that.

Men are here!

We make fire. Cook meat. Put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

You think I'd tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?

Not following you.

It's Dr. Seuss! That book got me through some tough times.

Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first!

You know what? Forget about me. Let's give you another turn.

Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow!

A woman!

When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?

Ross and Julie telling travel story, Joey interrupts: 'And the chicken poops in her lap!'

Joey's age confusion: 'He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, excuse me, 15.' / 'When was 1990?'

Joey: 'You know, I think I was 16.'

Joey about Frankie: 'He'll know what it means.' / Chandler: 'You sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?'

Joey: 'Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.'

Joey: 'I've been with a lot of people's share of women.'

Joey: 'Your tailor is a very bad man!'

It's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne.

Howdy. Give me a box of juice.

I'm sorry. I'm such a doofus! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Sooner or later they all...stop lasting.

Heh, heh. You guys are messing with me, right?

That's a good one. For a second there, I was like, whoa!

Oh, Chandler! Now! Now! That's it. There! Faster!

I was sweeping yesterday. It could've been me.

April 18th, excessive noise, Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry cleaning.

So? You were both dorks. Big deal.

I mean, what if we're over at her folks' place?

You see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

They let me be the guy who fixes the copier but can't... because there's people having sex on it.

You know, that's bad for the paper tray.

You don't even have a boyfriend yet.

What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids.

My uncle Sal has a really big tongue. Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

Aim him at that pack of babes. Maybe one of them will break away.

Well, don't think me immodest, but... me.

Can you tell him that? Because he thinks he looks too pink.

We live in the building by the, uh, sidewalk.

BEN! BEN!

Here's the deal: We lost a car seat on a bus. It's white plastic and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it.

That one has ducks on his T-shirt and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks. Or clowns.

That one's Ben! Remember he had that cute little mole by his mouth! / Okay, the mole came off.

Ducks is heads because ducks have heads.

The guy still won't put out? Nope. Zilch. Nothing. Uh-uh.

Maybe he drives his car on the other side of the road. If you know what I mean. No. What do you mean? He's not British.

I said, 'Excellent butt, great rack.' Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended. But that's so sweet.

I can't find the remote

Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him. He got you to say he never has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a great idea? This man is my god.

And then I kissed her. Tongue? - Yeah. - Cool.

No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked.

Ross, listen. I got two words for you: Threesome.

So Spock actually hugs his father?

Who said anything about Christmas?

You got me a cola drink? / And a lemon-lime!

You might wanna consider wearing underwear next time. Because when you sat on your throne, you could kind of see your... royal subjects.

The only thing worse than the mindless adolescent direction... was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.

Does anybody have one from a different paper?

When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian. But then I found out you have to put your hands into cows and stuff.

Ooh, ooh. Lorne Greene? No, Pheebs. You know why? Because he's dead.

If I would have sent the little general in.

You know, after having slept with her.

Didn't you used to call it the little major? Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

Then I started thinking about us, and how these are the days of our lives.

No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.

She taught me about how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.

Like this: [pause for intense look]

Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.

Actually, I think you said: 'Don't touch that and get out of my kitchen.' Really? Weird. Anyway...

I'm sorry! It's the pigs! They're reluctant to get in the blanket!

I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.

How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.

That commercial always makes me so sad. But then the guy opens his beer and girls run at him... so everything works out okay.

That's how radio stars escape stalkers!

Because I'm a neurosurgeon... and that was clearly a case of... 'foodal chokage.'

What, you never look down in the shower?

I'm not allowed to make one joke in the 'monkey is penis' genre?

You always wear panties? No, no. This is the first time.

I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

Mommy! Can't you see what's going on? This man is dead!

She's got the greatest set of... No guys around, huh?

Unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.

How do you know if you wanna do that? You just know.

Two hundred seconds of passion! We gotta go.

Talk about your bad luck! The first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

Someone's flossing!

I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

Mommy! Can't you see what's going on? This man is dead!

Any idea what this will do for your sex life? It might slow down at first, but... once I'm used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

No, it's fun, it's fun. It's kinda like knowing one of the Gabor Sisters.

Do your Marcel Marceau.

You're getting good at that Marcel Marceau thing.

Doesn't the fact that I wore it... say how much our friendship means to me?

Well, that's the part where I'm a wank.

I am here, on my knees... holding up these couch cushions... as a symbol of my sorrow and regret. Much like they did in biblical times.

Though you may haveth anger now...

Check it out! We're bracelet buddies! That's what they'll call us!

Sweet mother of all that is good and pure!

Not that one.

No, they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.

Sun shining, birds chirping... Really? Mine too... Hey, cool! Mine too!

Give me two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them! / It's James Bond!

No. Inside good. Outside bad.

She's lying.

It's not warm yet. We still have time.

Only because I used the red one to unclog the drain.

Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

Look at you fancy lads!

He's having a brunch.

When you're in there, it's like peeing with the Rockettes.

That's all right, I saw a kitchen this morning. On TV.

I saw the way you were checking out his moldings.

It wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.

I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

You can spend more quality time with your real friends...the spoons!

Your men will get scored on more times than your sister.

We used it to fling water balloons off the roof. Remember? Those kids couldn't even get theirs across the street.

You keep it. You need the practice.

Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.

Well, check this out. Is it a coffee table? Is it, uh, a panther? There's no need to decide.

Hey, excellent water-table thing. / Thanks. I love this. But you know what? It makes me want to pee. / Yeah, me too. I think that's the challenge.

Nice toilet. / No, no, no. Behind it. / You have a phone in here? / That's right. I have a phone. In here.

Joey, promise me something. / Yeah. / Never call me from that phone.

You know what they say: Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

You had a thing. / Yeah, well, I hear the place looks great. / Oh, forget about it. I'm having a ball, ha.

Was that the oven timer? / That's right, my friend. / It's time for Baywatch! / Baywatch!

Can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer? / I can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time running. Run. Run, Yasmine. Run like the wind.

I figured I'd have time alone with my thoughts. But it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

All right, that's it! He just comes in here, Mr. Johnny New Eggs... with his moving the mail and his: 'See you, pals.'

And now there's no juice! There's no juice for the people who need the juice. I need the juice!

Nobody likes two kinds of eggs equally. You like one better, and I wanna know which.

You like that show? / You don't? / Ha, ha, what...? No. I mean, it's just pretty people running around on the beach.

Well, that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people. And the running.

Doesn't she know you can't define yourself in terms of money? That it's about values and morals... ...and your ability to give and receive love?

It's like Brad to have to have the last word.

...where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big.

If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die. But I made it, 'If this woman doesn't get to a hospital... ...she's not gonna live.'

Write this, jerk-weed. I fall down an elevator shaft?

They can't kill me! I'm Francesca's long-lost son!

They said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in... ...that the only doctor who could've saved me was me.

Like, the other day, I got this credit card application... ...and I was pre-approved!

That means nothing to me.

Cachet? Jaunty? Chandler gave me word-of-the-day toilet paper.

The guy said they suited me. He spoke with an accent. I was confused.

I don't need you getting judgmental and condescending and pedantic. - Toilet paper? - Yeah.

Five-O dollars.

Judas is a little loose.

Uh, it was an impulse buy. Near the register.

What happened to the foosball? It's a cantaloupe.

Did you see that play? You want more beer? Is that Spike Lee?

Plus, he's old

We'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.

He must like you best.

Hey, Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats. You're welcome. Hey, Joey, thanks for parking the car. No problem.

Not like him, per se. Just not unlike him.

You hear that? We're the guys!

With that mustache, he reminds me of Aunt Sylvia. Thank you!

Really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800s.

That's why we don't let her play.

Monica, relax. Go get a beer. I don't want a beer. Who said it was for you?

Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those cool jackets?

Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope.

I agree. Fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside. And I'm not sure we are.

Hey, I liked her. Maybe too much. I don't know. I guess I just got scared. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't think anyone would buy that. Okay!

Why, again?

At least send some women to my party.

You didn't like that gray lamp, did you?

All right, I'm sorry. But these people needed me. They work hard all week. It's Saturday night. They deserve to have a little fun. Go!

Looks like that stuff you get when you get an infection.

I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

You know, one day you're processing, the next day...you're not so much processing anymore.

I figure my character has kids. / There isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

You know what? Just did. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

I'm going to kill you. / Hey, I just figured Joseph's the kind of guy who likes to mix it up.

I can sleep with his wife. / Not Karen!

And the kids, you gonna put a pour like summer.

Wow, it's neat learning about submarines.

After the scene... Mr. Beatty comes up to me and he says, 'Good actor. Bad kisser.'

That's like... Mother Teresa, not a good mother. Pfft.

Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Get a little action?

Whoo-hoo! Stud! ... Whoo-hoo! Geek!

You know how I tend to get a little defended and quippy? - Get out. - No. Please.

Stop it. You're freaking me out. ... Yeah. I don't like you this way.

I'm sorry, we don't have your sheep.

It could be like a big, giant guy.

like a watched pot. If you keep looking at it, the door's never gonna boil.

You are a good friend. The audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

I can't believe I date a girl who's getting divorced. I'm such a grownup.

Kiss her. Kiss her!

So when are you dumping her?

Come on, quit yanking me.

They're not breaking up! He didn't blink!

We'll call that Plan B.

Yeah, Princess Leia and the gold bikini? Oh, every guy our age loved that. It's huge! That's the moment when she stopped being a princess and she became, like, you know, a woman.

It's Count Rushmore! You should really go on this show.

We always go together. We're like The Three Hockey-teers, you know?

Look, I don't hate Janice. She's just a lot to take, you know?

Don't worry, those are the right letters.

Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off so I have something to throw at her.

Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

Does it have to be a day?

Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me. I sleep in the next room.

And, uh, you know, I love this woman.

It was Bat Day at Shea Stadium.

Yeah, it's fat. I drank fat!

We have to be out the door at 7:40. / We have a half-hour. / That was four minutes ago.

Glass of fat?

You wanna hear it? / Am I in it? / After I thank everyone for donating to the museum... I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

Well, actually, the last place you were sitting was in there, so...

Are you gonna do magic?

He could not, would not, want to wait.

I am so comfortable. / Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

What a cool job. 'You have two new messages.' Please pass the pie.

Because I'm not wearing any underwear now.

I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

What, are you gonna show me my clothes? / Hey, opposite... is opposite. / He's got nothing!

Look at me! I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes?

I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.

You tell the doctor you did it jumping on your bed? / No. I had a whole story worked out, but then... Chandler sold me out.

Jam? I love jam! How come we never have jam at our place? / Because the kids need new shoes.

This'll just be my batch.

I didn't stalk her. / I asked for the news, not the weather.

Joe, I got to ask. The girl from the xerox place, buck naked... or a big tub of jam? / Put your hands together.

No more jam? What happened to your jam plan? / I figured out I'd need to charge $17 a jar just to break even. So I've got a new plan now. Babies.

Well, you'll need much bigger jars.

Oh, my God! Under personal comments: 'New York Knicks rule.' / Yeah, the Knicks rule! / Joey, this is you!

You went to a sperm bank? / Right after I did that sex study at NYU. Remember that sweater I gave you? / That's how you bought it? / No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.

I'm surprised there's any of my boys left.

Crazy Chandler spun me... off the bed. / Wow! Spinning! Sounds like fun. / I wish. He was just trying Ross' 'hug and roll' thing.

Sperm or regular?

Wow! This guy's an astronaut? / That would have been cool... for a day.

I called the sperm bank. They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani. Nobody wants my product.

Maybe if they met me in person.

You got a thing on your... Get it? Yeah.

Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10... and I hadn't found a place to hide yet.

I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See? All of it.

I've never been through the tunnel myself because... you're not allowed through with more than one girl in the car.

Went through a tunnel. Unbelievable.

Spider-Man? / Hardy Boy. / Peter Parker. / Thank you.

Hey, how do you guys get anything done? / We don't, really.

Sorry. Did I get you? / No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

I'm not a mind reader

Where you heading in those pants? 1982?

If you move your hamper... you can see the color the tile used to be

I could've counted to three four times without all the two talk

Maybe all the rulers are wrong

Well, hello, Mr. Lincoln! Better luck next time, buddy! And the drinks are on me!

Ha, ha. What gay thing? Uh, just, you know, in general. The whole people-being-gay thing. Totally cool with that.

I'm Eric, Chandler's new roommate. - I'm Chandler's new roommate. - I don't think so. - I could be Chandler's new roommate.

My wife's a lesbian. Cool!

[JOEY HUMMING IN HEAD] PHOEBE: Who's singing?

I know. At 499 for a pillow-top queen, who cares about the divorce? Those babies will sell themselves.

And I'm appalled for you, by the way.

You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. I know.

This does not mean acting again. It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did.

By the way, before I forget. To work in soap operas... some of you are gonna have to become much more attractive.

Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you. I dismiss you.

This boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, you know? He's just like me... except that he's a boxer... and has an evil twin.

I cut a hole in my pocket... take a pair of tweezers... and just start pulling.

Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-I-like-it.

Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.

Had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't leave it alone.

Well, I might have said 'super-gay.'

Yeah. We both auditioned for the part and, uh... as it turned out... they... They liked the stupid gay thing and cast him.

And me? Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people... [SOBBING] most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV.

That is so weird. Every time I go to the dentist... I look down the hygienist's blouse.

I was thinking about that. I think the best way would be... to not.

If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, 'homo' sapiens... is that why they're extinct?

Hey, I'm not judging.

Get her candy. Get her gum. Girls love gum. / That's a good idea. 'Dear Janice: Have a Hubba Bubba birthday.'

You know what you should do? You should get her one of those... barium enemas.

Those are dead serious. And you know she'll never get one for herself.

You can't! You can't. You can't buy her pearls. You just can't. You can't, You can't, you can't!

Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now.

You know how we save all those chopsticks... for no reason when we get Chinese food? Well, now we got a reason.

Fortunately, I have experience in that area.

What we're about to have here is a dead, fat guy on a stick!

Now he's showing us his poking device.

I thought you knew what you were doing. I thought you meant in life!

Her name is Dutch and also 'Margham.'

Thanks, man, but it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself.

Why don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her?

You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.

Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around.

Those trees were born to be Christmas trees. They're fulfilling their life purpose by making people happy.

Yes, and, uh, the trees are happy too...because for most of them, it's their only chance to see New York.

Well, they go into the chipper. / Why do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

You and your stupid Fear. I hate your Fear. I would like to take you and your Fear... / Hey. I got great news. / Run, Joey. Run for your life.

Snow-in-a-Can. I got it at work. You want me to decorate the window? Give it kind of a Christmas looky?

Joey's overly confident magic trick presentation followed by the obvious reveal

Real magic does exist.

I looked at it so fast, it was invisible to the naked eye. I just did it. Just did it again.

No, only for sex. Thank you.

She was, like, the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body.

They're in Vermont, buying cigarettes.

Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical? - I wanna say you, but it seems like such an easy answer.

So I think I'm gonna sing 'New York, New York' and 'I Left My Heart in San Francisco.'

Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. - What? - Mr. Dickens gets to pick them.

Who? - I'll get you the Cliff Notes. - The what? - The abridgment. - The what?

Hey, everybody lies on their résumé, okay? I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either.

Oh, no, no, no, no. - What is that? - Sure, it looks stupid now. There's no music playing.

Monica's the vase, right? - You are such a mystery to me.

How'd it go? - Knocked over a girl.

Why don't you send her a musical bug? - No, you already did that.

It's steppity-step and jazz hands.

What was that? - I know. It's the best I could get out of them.

I discovered I'm able to count all my teeth using just my tongue.

I was reading it last night and I got scared, so...

But you're safe from it if it's in the freezer? / Well, safer.

I never start reading it... without making sure we got room in the freezer.

How little are they? I mean, are they, like, scary little?

Jo's a girl. It's short for Josephine. / But Jo's got a crush on Laurie.

That is the one thing missing from 'The Shining'.

No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.

I'm playing a daredevil game called 'Wait Until the Last Moment Before I Burst and Die.'

Someone was in the ladies' room. I couldn't wait. I left the lid up for you, though.

This is where you say your name.

Don't you have to use the bathroom? No, I just... I'd rather talk to you.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom.

Close one.

Sure it wasn't something that sounded liked Ginger? Like 'Gingeer'?

I can't tell you. It's the most awful thing I've ever done.

I wish.

Another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger...is that she kind of has a...artificial leg.

I ran! Through the woods, with no socks on.

So she's got it all, huh? She's the real deal?

Listen, I know it's a long shot, but...by any chance, did she find that funny?

Well! Just like Rachel in high school.

Hey, how much you give me to eat this whole jar of olives? / I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me 2.95.

Done.

Okay, listen, just give me anything I can make two of.

Hi, guys. I haven't seen you since this morning. / Well, uh... / You know.

Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? / Both of us? / Maybe. Does that scare you?

Ha, ha. Dude, I don't know. Ha-ha-ha.

Never open your eyes. You know? Because you don't want to be doing something and then look up, right? And see something that you don't want to be seeing.

What if my eyes are closed, and my hand is out there... / Aah! Okay, eyes open at all times.

Why? What happened to him? / Nothing. He just really believes in that.

And that's what deathbeds are for.

What if they don't? You think I need a new walk?

I think I need a take-notice walk. Are you actually saying these words?

I don't cheat, right? That's not me. I'm not Joey! Yeah, okay.

You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am? Yeah, you know, people can be so self-involved.

Is that your new walk? No. I really have to pee.

Can I see the comics? / This is the New York Times. / Okay, may I see the comics?

I had the same dream. / And nobody slept with the Xerox girl. / Oh, I had the opposite dream.

Let's go. Let's hit the road. Let's get the show on it.

Rachel, I'm really sorry. / Okay, Ross. Wanna get back together? / Yeah, okay. / Did anyone else hear that?

It'll be great for next weekend. / [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] I mean, 'It'll be great.'

What? Mine aren't tinted.

Come on. Who has the biggest boobs? Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra and wire.

No, mine are deceptively small. I mean, I actually sometimes stuff my bra. / Well, then your bra would still be big. / No, I stuff outside the bra.

Smokey Joe here got halfway to the highway and collapsed. I have the lung capacity of a 2-year-old.

Oh, no. Now it's not gonna make any sense.

Yeah, or to get a hooker. Always illegal, Joe.

Hello. Hey, how much cash you got in your pocket right now?

Joey's your best friend. You wanna make him a cheese sandwich every day.

And you also wanna buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.

We were out of Doritos.

Oh, Mommy. Oh, Daddy. I am a big old baddy.

She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the middle class... Oh, forget about it. She rocks.

Dr. Drake Ramoray? Days of our Lives? Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat?

See, I actually can pour milk. But I got you believing that I couldn't. Now, see, that's acting.

Right. At the end, you choked on a cookie. Yeah, that was real.

It's possible. You are very lovable. I'd miss you if I broke up with you.

[IN DEEP VOICE] If I broke up with you, I'd miss you.

What, like, 'Pete Dakota'? Or 'Mississi-Pete.' Ooh, ooh, I got it: 'Pete Chicago.'

That's not a state, Joe. Oh, and 'Mississi-Pete' is?

Okay. You're our age. Okay.

Tasty.

Oh, hey, how about this one? Uh, it says so in the script.

It doesn't say that in the script. It does in mine.

God, I just... I hate her with her 'Oh, I'm so talented' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and 'Oh, I smell so good.'

I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Hey, Chandler, can we please try and stay focused on my problem here? You know? I'm talking about you, you big, big freak.

If you were in school yard... you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now. Oh, yeah? Then how come I keep thinking about her... in all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?

You guys make me fly. High.

Why isn't it 'Spiderman'? You know, like Goldman, Silverman? Because it's not his last name. It isn't? No, it's not, like... Like Phil Spiderman.

But there's no gold man. Oh, okay. There should be a Gold Man.

A house for dolls! That is so cool.

Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler. I know.

That was...surreal.

But then they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft. They gave me the shaft, all right.

Yeah, with the mug-painting. I was so listening to that.

Maybe he could slip her the tongue.

Something like that? Yeah. That's pretty much what I had in mind.

And then I knew she was dreaming because her eyes kept going like this:

That's just a lot of big talk. I know.

Hi, Kate. Hi, Lauren. Hi, Lauren. Hi, pig!

I was crying because nobody believed Quincy's theory.

What a jerk. You want me to kick his ass?

You guys? Do you know anything about chicks? Fowl? No. Women? No.

Well, I don't think so, mister!

Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?

That's Yasmine Bleeth. She's a completely different kind of chick.

I love you both. But in very different ways.

If they can't find a home for her, they kill her! I won't let that happen to little Jasmine.

Funny story!

Well, give him a minute.

Bottle next to the shaving cream. -Worm medicine for the duck.

Can you take a duck and a chick to the theater? -Of course not. -l just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

Almost as good as the play with the two naked girls on the seesaw. -l wasn't in that. -l know.

Yes!

Become a drama critic.

A plague on both your houses!

l gave up a job too. -Really? What? -Declawing cats.

You're sweet and cute. -l know. That's why they trashed me.

Why can't l just pick someone like you? -Thanks. -You know what l mean. l mean, like, the sweetest guy.

You had 'the night'! When two people realize their feelings for each other and they talk for hours and learn all about the other person. -Did you learn about her family? -Two brothers. One died! -Yes!

Sorry! Sorry l'm late! My duck and my chick had a fight. lt was ugly.

l'm gonna get on this spaceship and l'm gonna go to Blaargon-7 in search of alternative fuels. But when l return 200 years from now you'll be long gone but l won't have aged at all.

Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and our chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.

Was it like a sneeze, only better?

Whoa! Whoa! No. / Come on, you guys. It's no big deal. / Hey, hey, hey.

No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.

Oh. Maybe they'll name yours after you. You know? They'd call it The Ross.

And then people would be, like, 'Oh, he's got a Ross.'

Whoa. For a rich guy, that's a pretty small TV.

And that's Pete's mom. Ha, ha.

Oh, what do you know? You married a lesbian.

Do you think there's a town in Missouri or someplace called Sample? And as you're driving into the town, there's a sign and it says: 'You're in Sample.'

My hands are totally clean. I just gave the duck a bath.

My boss keeps slapping my butt and acting like it's no big deal. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

For a really great stew, you'd just stick your head in between them.

What could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?

Check it out! Pete's winning! Really? No!

Big bullies!

How about I keep my boxers on and give you a peek at the good stuff?

Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.

My ass!

Joey's recap: 'I don't really know what happened with that' repeated three times

'Rachel convinced her to shave her head' delivered matter-of-factly

'I found a dried-up seahorse' as response to serious news

'Excellent hole, Joe.' 'Oh no, no. My hole.'

Jellyfish sting setup and 'Damn the jellyfish! Damn all the jellyfish!'

'You're gonna have to pee on it' / 'Don't blame me, I saw it on the Discovery Channel'

'If you want some privacy, you can use my hole'

Everyone's awkward reactions returning from the beach - 'Nothing' repeated

'It's between us and the sea, Ross'

'I'll give you $1000 to talk to us' / 'Hey you guys'

The entire jellyfish sting confession sequence buildup

'I was tired from digging the huge hole'

'That's right, I stepped up. She's my friend and she needed help. If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you'

'Only, I couldn't. I got stage fright'

'There was too much pressure, so I turned to Chandler' [Chandler screeches]

'That's because sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out'

I get tetanus shots every time I get dressed!

What kind of profit is that? And you call yourself an accountant?

Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of... Let it go!

Hey, you swore you would never tell.

Then when you get home, throw the canoe away. We're not throwing it away. I built it.

Yeah! $200 reward split five ways!

My roommate bet me $5 I couldn't. Then he stuck a board through the handles and locked me in.

It was funny till I felt like it was a coffin.

Sometimes I come in here just to get away from it.

Man, he took the five of spades! No, here it is.

They said, 'You don't have insurance. Stop calling us.'

If she'd come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it.

How desperate am I? Good thing Chandler's not here. He always wins at this game.

Do you have any juice? Just pickle.

No, but try the classifieds. People sell everything in there.

I'm telling you, it's totally unconstitutional. I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. It was like the Algonquin kids' table.

He cut off his ear. And? I'm out.

I thought he cut off his ear because he sucked.

Where does the Pope live? In the woods.

Spock's birth control.

There's a lot I didn't know about vomit.

I'm home during the day...and I got patio furniture in my living room.

I got a baby Tootsie Roll...a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex...a rock...and an army man.

And a fifty. These must be Chandler's pants.

I want to see how this bad boy turns out.

Speaking of volcanoes, man, are they a violent igneous rock formation!

Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden? We don't have to. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The vas deferens? The Vietnam War?

Could there be more Kims?

The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore.

That's easy for you to say. You weren't almost just killed!

All right, that's it. School is in session!

Maybe you haven't heard of 'not making girls cry.'

I have actually not heard of that.

Why don't you tell me something I don't know?

Those are, uh, nicknames. I'm the chick, and Chandler's the duck.

That's not prison lingo, is it?

He almost danced me right down that garbage chute.

If I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.

And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourrée.

Yeah, Bunny Rabbit.

That was amazing! We totally nailed it!

But that's, like, the easiest era.

See who can bring home the most beautiful woman. That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it life.

Do you know the name of that one? I don't know. Grease?

She's writing. She turns it over. 'It's time for my date with Joey!'

She didn't have one. For three years?

Is it a book that's also a safe?

Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.

I got to tell you... I feel bad taking credit for this, because... am I going to get a lot of credit for this!

Hey, that coupon expires, you know.

The craziest thing is, I just ate a whole pizza myself.

You got all that from the back of her head?

Who's Elaine?

Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.

Yes, but I just watch it for the articles.

I think my time is about to...

I thought your time ran out. Me too, but I guess I do have...

It fell out. I just figured we hit a dog.

I think somebody's got a little crush on Casey.

Sambuca Margarita? It that a real thing? Well, we only had sambuca, so it is now.

I thought she was doing some scene, so I let people watch.

You're so far past the line, that you can't even see the line. The line's a dot to you.

It's all tainted with your betrayal.

And just so you know... I made that bread for you.

-Damn it, Chandler, stop calling. -Joey, it's Ross.

I invented Secret Santa, you know.

You're the one who said Die Hard was your idea. It was. Don't make me show you the napkin.

If Chandler had kissed Rachel, would you hear him out? That's a good point.

Five years. You've sentenced him? Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open. Who, me? Yeah.

I won't live with someone who doesn't know what it is to be a friend.

What? We got a box.

You shouldn't be talking at all. You've got too much thinking to do to be talking and joking.

Otherwise, you're just an idiot in a box.

We're going to be fine. Get out!

All right, get a room.

How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie?

I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.

Then they would all know who was boss.

It's a good idea. Can you waiter? Good enough to get fired. All right. You're hired!

That's why I got fired last week! Does Orson Welles direct commercials?

Does anybody have a problem with that? Yeah, lady. I do! I got a problem! I'll give you a problem! What will you do? Fire me? You bet your ass I'll fire you!

You're still on fire there.

I'd prefer you didn't call me Joey. I thought it might be fun to try out a cool nickname.

And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.

It's been a long time since I had... $327 plus $238!

What nice things? Nothing yet. They hate you, and I want to fit in.

Well, that's not true.

I should have thought about my wife and kids... before I talked back to Chef Geller. It will be a lean Christmas at the Dragon house this year.

You said 'black.' Why would he want his blue blazer black?

Well, you know what I meant. You messed it up. You're stupid.

But I can pronounce Jurassic.

This is a museum. No talking.

Right down here we have... a large foot.

Doctor? I didn't know he had a nickname.

I'm Joey! I'm an actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs!

It's like Sophie's Choice. / You know, I never saw that. / Oh, it was only okay.

It's the chick. She's going through some changes.

Oh, I can check that for you.

I can check that for you.

All right, we'll start with... apples. We'll be starting with apples.

I got it. Scotch... tape.

Cough it up. Pay the piper.

Althea? What are you doing? - Took a shot. Shooting with Althea?

But if we win... we get your apartment.

Big Fat Goalie.

Okay, everyday use. - Fancy. - Guest. - Fancy guest. - Two seconds. - Uh, eleven?

Sure I can. Standard Shotgun Rules. I'm in sight of the room and I called it.

You bet on a bet, and if you lose, you lose the bet.

How'd it go? - I lost our mattresses.

Did you see the size of the closets? I can't believe we live here.

We switched apartments. You can't eat our food. That gravy train has ended. There's gravy?

-What are you doing? -I think I left a doughnut up here.

That's a good idea for a business.

Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. They're not a couple. I get the game now.

When they were doing it on stage, was it really hot? Oh, yeah. So you're fine.

You guys have been to every play I've been in. Have I ever had chemistry on stage? -No. -No!

Yeah? Who's playing? The players.

Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever!

You've never asked a guy out? No. Have you? Thousands of times!

That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?

What I do is, I look a woman up and down, and I say... 'Hey. How you doing?'

There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out: Lone gunman, communism, geometry.

What do you think of the floor? I don't know. Looks the same. You used to have carpet.

When my Dad asks, 'What are you doing with your life?' I can say, 'I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston. What about you?'

Three days without a shower. Plus, I fell in a big tub of worms!

I could see why you would think that. But you know who it is? You? No, no. It's Heston.

He reeks like he went on a three-day fishing trip, then ate licorice.

Would you believe me if I said I was Kirk Douglas?

I'm a cop who won't work with you because you're a loose cannon.

Joey, let me ask you a question. This has been driving me crazy. - What does this light switch do? - Oh, nothing.

Didn't it drive you crazy to not know what it did? I know what it did. Nothing.

They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something. - How can you not care? - Like this:

Do you know what that little silver knob on the toilet does? - Sure. It flushes it. - Okay, good. Now, since you know, when you come over, would you mind actually using it?

Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

- Joey, trade lives with me. - Nope.

Okay, Ross, look, look, look. Right here, it's called a 'scrum,' okay? - It's kind of like a huddle. - And is a hum kind of like a scruddle?

All right, come on. Look, Ross can take care of himself. It's not like he's Chandler. CHANDLER: Thanks.

They don't look any bigger than me. That's because you're closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.

Okay, I know what I've gotta do. I've gotta go Red Ross. You know, Red Ross? Totally don't know what you're talking about.

That time that we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves... ...and that one guy cut in front of us, and I just lost it? Huh? Screamed at him, turned all red. Red Ross! No.

What? No. No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross. Dude, you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross.

What are these? Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they'd brighten up the place. They do, don't you think?

I know that there's no hole there. I just really like that picture.

[GASPS] But it didn't. - Say hello to Mrs. Catrokis. RACHEL: Oh, my God. WOMAN: Hello, darling.

Hey, that's what all my relationships are like. / Yes, but in Ross' case, they both know in two weeks that's it.

Maybe that's because soy burgers suck. / But I'm no obstetrician....

Then what are you going to put on top of that? / A little salami. / Oh, yeah. / What goes on top of the salami? / Pastrami. / You're a genius.

Or you could use mistletoe. / It's not Christmas. / Spin-the-bottle. / He's not 11.

Welcome to America.

You know when you're dating someone... and you don't want to cheat unless it's with someone really hot? / Totally. / This is the same kind of deal.

What if I even things out for you, meat-wise? / What? / I eat a lot of meat, right? But suppose, until the baby's born, I laid off it. / No extra animals would die. You'd be eating my animals.

There's no meat in beer, right?

What do you got there? / Pastrami. / You know what goes good with that? / Corned beef. / I was going to say bologna. But that's better.

How about that smoked turkey? / Okay. / Oh, mama!

When is the baby due? / Six months.

If a cow died of natural causes, I could have one of those, right? / Not if I get there first.

Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill. Free phone sex. Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill.

Hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.

Finding money with naked people on it! But I made the mistake of turning off the TV. I never got it back again. And I'm sad.

We still have porn.

You're blocking the porn!

It's the theme from Good Will Humping.

You're over! What? You know.

Good one.

Look, I'm going to have a kid someday. Okay? And someday that kid is going to ask me if I ever turned off free porn. I don't wanna have to tell him that I did.

Did you ever asked you dad that? I don't want to talk about it.

I made fun of his accent. You sat back and let him have her. You didn't fight. I just told you, I made fun of him behind his back.

It's like a snake pit. That could be you and Emily. That but nicer.

Can you pick me up one of those Toblerone bars at the airport?

No 'Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge'? Nothing!

Free porn! We have free porn!

Don't worry, I won't let the other two know.

You want a strong name? How about The Hulk?

You want a good name, go with Joey. Joey's your pal, your buddy. Where is everybody? They're hanging out with Joey!

I shouldn't have mentioned it. I wanted to name my kid that.

No, but I'm gonna!

Joey Buttafucco. Yeah, that guy really hurt us.

Chandler is the stupidest name I've heard in my life! It's not a name! It's barely even a word. It's like chandelier but it's not!

No way are you cool enough to pull off 'Clint'. / What name am I cool enough to pull off? / Gene.

Am I a Mark or a John? / You're not tall enough to be a Mark. But you might make a good Barney.

You've got problems because of you, not your name!

So, how are the elves?

Not stupid. You're meaner than I thought.

Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please? Good one.

The timing's perfect! I just clogged the toilet!

Ever read Sports Illustrated?

Come on, man! You know I'd do it for you. Because you're my best friend. All right. But you can't use that again for a whole year.

That's not even a game. Shut up. We're winning!

Four. That's a low one!

You look. I can't do it. What makes you think I can?

Come on, apartment! Come on, apartment!

We pick again! We pick again! Why? I don't know.

What are they so mad about? They got the apartment back. No, they didn't.

Totally worth it! That was one good minute!

Monica and Rachel made out.

Joey's attempt at 'whipped' sound effect: 'Wah-pah!'

Chandler demonstrates proper whip sound, Joey insists 'That's what I did'

Chandler's escalating snoring rage: 'You are going to a clinic! And a pajama store!'

Chandler explains he doesn't dance at weddings because of how he looks when dancing

Joey wearing anti-snoring device and claiming 'It tastes good'

If I died, people would know I was here only by the ass print on this chair!

It's just steep!

While we're at the video store, we could rent Die Hard!

You're sitting here in a hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip

Handkerchief? No, I got my invitation

It's better! You can't go to a museum in your underwear. / You could, but just the one time.

I bet the British version is good!

Yes, yes. A thousand times, yes.

You can be the best man when I get married. I'm never gonna get to be a best man.

Yes. Shame about you, though.

Are you bachelors? No. Are you strippers? No. Then you're not invited.

Wow. That so doesn't sound like something I want to do. Later.

And I'm invite Gunther because, well, we've been talking pretty loud. I'll be there.

Just the dinosaur dudes.

Okay, we'll need a six-pack of Zima.

I don't think it's gonna be that difficult, considering this one won't take place in the basement of a Pizza Hut. Oh, I'm Ross, I'm Ross. I'm too good for the Hut. I'm too good for the Hut.

There's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.

He just said, 'No strippers.' Oh. I chose not to hear that.

Smooth, man. Yeah. You got some chili on your neck.

Watch this. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white.

Yeah. I'll let you play with my duck.

You slept with the stripper? Of course!

If this isn't an emergency, then what is?

Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Well, I think it all started when you said, 'Hey, Joey, why don't you be my best man.'

Dude, I screwed up. You don't have to turn me in. Not on you, on the stripper.

I said, 'You talk to the police, you tell them I'm missing a ring.'

Way to be cool, man.

I make $1,600 a week doing what I do. Any of you guys make that? Marry me.

Shh. We're trying to think.

He's such a good duck.

Somebody lose a ring? Aah!

What a baby. Total wuss.

What have you got there? Condoms, dude. Well, how come the writing is in spanish? Don't read my condoms.

Let's do it. Cheerio! London, baby! That's not gonna get annoying. London, baby! You know what? I was wrong.

Here you go, Phoebe! Phoe-bo! Phoo-ba-la!

London, baby!

If you see a little version of me in there, kill it!

Hands down, best abbey I ever seen.

It's great! They're thinking of changing the name. -To what? -To 'Put the Camera Away'!

Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

If you make me choose between you and the hat, I choose the hat.

How are you doing? Joey Tribbiani, America.

Me too. -Yeah? -No! I had the best day ever!

That's Fergie, baby!

I'll get it. Pheebs, it's Joey. Hey, Joey! I saw someone that looks just like you on the subway. I was going to say hi, then I figured he doesn't care he looks like you.

Who's seven? Me, Rachel...the birds, the babies. The babies miss me? Of course they do, or I'm just really hungry.

Two pizzas? -Gotta go! Talk to you later. -Wait! Where did you get it from?

That's not food.

But not as much as I love America.

So tell me about this girl.

What? We gotta find her. Rachel's coming to tell Ross she loves him. -Oh, my God! -I know. Do you know where Monica is? No. What's with the third degree? Why not just shine a light in my eyes?

You can let some of them go by.

I'm at the front with Ross. It's Phoebe! He looks pretty mad. I better go.

Why, what's the matter?

That's not food. No, I don't want it. Everything's different here. I want to go home.

I miss my family, the coffeehouse. I can't remember what Phoebe looks like!

Joey, it's been three days. [MOUTHS] Oh.

You're different here too. You're mean in England!

Home. New York City. Where everybody knows my name.

But not as much as I love America. Can we please go home now?

I was laughing. Out loud? I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid.

I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is... I don't want to hear it!

Aw, Pheebs, you know you're still my number one girl.

I've done my part, okay? It's your responsibility now. The burden is off me. Right. So tell me about this girl.

Talk New York to me again. Forget about it. How you doing?

Did you stop Rachel? But she just hugged him. That's it. Nothing got ruined? No. Oh, that's so great!

Still walking.

It's Phoebe! He looks pretty mad.

Joey asking 'we still get cake, right?' during the wedding disaster

Joey justifying eating meat: 'I figured we're in another country, so it doesn't count'

Joey vs Chandler door negotiation: 'Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there? Me or you?' 'Well, I suppose I would have to say you.'

Joey's existential crisis about never being as good as 'that giant' actor

Joey's fear of dying 'an unsuccessful, regular-size man'

Phoebe's accusation reveal: 'You ate meat!' 'You had sex!'

I've had a very long, hard day. / Want some chicken?

You sure? Some extra-crispy, dirty rice? / For the last time, no! Get out, Joey!

I'll kick that door in if you give me some sugar.

Just bringing some culture to the group. / That's fine. Just don't bring it in my mouth. It makes me want to puke.

Well, don't worry. I call shotgun.

You're not wearing one. Oh, man! I did it again!

They're male nurses. Not in my head.

There's always room for Jello.

How do you make that dirty? It's easy. I can do it with anything. Grandma's chicken salad...

Oh, cool. You made him cry!

Well, what else could it be? It's kidney stones. Or... Kidney stones. If it was something else? Well, that would be 'kidney stones.'

No, no, no, no. Nothing is going up, okay? Up is not an option. What's a urethra?

Way to suck up to the family!

You know the deal on Santa Claus?

When you said 'the deal with Santa,' you meant...? That he doesn't exist. Right.

You can just video-conference with him.

You don't seem to understand. I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.

You know, the bee probably died after he stung you.

A hamster? Those things are, like, $10. Not the one I had my eye on.

That's better than my way.

Damn Rolos!

You know, at the Taj Mahal he has his own private glass elevator.

Maybe the food tasted good at first... but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.

You got married too fast. / That's not advice.

Who's Kip?

Oh, that poor bastard.

I don't even feel like I know you anymore.

Were you or were you not... on a gay cruise?

It is. It hurts.

'The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. If you win, slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, Hi, Phoebe!'

Hey, hey, hey, hey. None of that. Not while you're living under my roof.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman.

And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

I can hear that.

I can still hear you.

Oh, God! Aah!

Oh, soft.

Touched, used, sat on, slept on... I'll take it all.

Emily thinks Ross' furniture has got Rachel cooties?

But, you know, I'm an actor. I'll act cool.

You're on in five, Ms. Minnelli.

So rocks.

We all hate Emily.

You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.

You see, Rach, I'm an actor.

Well, I can tell you for damn sure who's not here, and that's Rachel.

You can totally tell. Here, look, watch me. Smile. Frown. Smile. Frown. Smile.

Are you looking at naked tribeswomen? No, look. That's a pig. I know. But look at the knobs on it!

What? He thought you said gonad.

You're fake laughing too, right? The tears are real.

You built a fort, didn't you? Kind of.

You should have gone out once in a while.

So why don't you be a grownup and come watch TV in the fort?

So the ball is in his court? Ball? No, there's no ball.

What if that had been porn?

Clean places? Yum!

Somebody was using his head.

We are bad people. He knew we were trying to get rid of him.

Could we get a bathtub in our kitchen?

He's a big, tap-dancing pimp!

Oh, my God! I know! It's stuck!

Help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.

Get that off now! I can't. It's stuck! It has to feed 20 people. They're not going to eat it off your head!

It worked! I scared you! I knew it!

Remember when Ross tried to say 'butternut squash'... and it came out, 'squatternut bosh'?

Sir Limps-a-lot. I came up with that.

I don't know. I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I take my underwear off in other people's homes.

Tighty-whiteys? What are you, 8?

Joey! -Didn't think so.

Does anybody else just take off their underwear when they're hot?

What did the police say?

I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

Joey's a sex addict. What?! No, I'm not! It's okay! It's good! It's a disease.

She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!

I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs.

Dude, you just described seven days' worth of stuff. Spread it out a little.

I'm not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical. / Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?

And that's Wednesday.

I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular.

That is so not true.

Well, Talia Shire suddenly became available. / She's a woman! / What can I say? She nailed it!

What are the chances I could get those guys to star in it? / Wait a second. I could star in it!

I can't write. I mean, I'm an actor. I could act like a writer.

Done. / And it can't be Joey. / It's not. / Or Joseph.

Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?

A room. A man enters. He looks suspicious.

That's the game we played. It's great. You take a tennis ball, a bowl and lighter—

Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.

Now we can go to the Ranger game last night!

Also without somebody breathing down your neck all the livelong day!

A handsome man enters.

This took you all day? / No, this took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new Ultimate Fireball!

Joey, you are sick. / This is disgusting. I'm not reading this. / Wait, wait, wait! The handsome man was about to enter!

1999, the year of Joey.

Can't kiss your sister. / Who's gonna kiss my sister? / Chandler.

Who would you rather have kiss your sister? / That's a good point.

Ross wants to kiss you at midnight. / So obvious. Why doesn't he just ask?

So that do anything for you?

She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.

Do you want to learn to play guitar? / Yes. / Then don't touch one!

You look like a freak. Yeah, awful. / Awful.

G-sharp? / G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords?

No, but you're questioning my method. / No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe. I'm saying it's stupid.

Your other student was you!

And look. Ooh, there's a picture of him with a kid. Yeah, and the kid's got a guitar!

Oh. That is quite a situation.

Well, if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself paste pants and she won't know the difference.

I don't care, Rach. Look, I'm tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone.

[Guitar breaks] / Was the chord at least right before...? / No.

What's the thing you know? / You tell me what you know. / I can't tell you. / Then I can't.

Chandler and Monica? Oh, this is unbelievable. / How long have you known? / Too long. Oh, my God.

Sorry. Monica and Chandler are "making love."

They did it right there on the couch.

Anybody going to eat that?

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan. They get mail and stuff.

Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. That's right. He almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.

He hooked up!

That's not a Nutter Butter. That's an old won ton! Judge rules... Nutter Butter.

You don't fool around with your friends' ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.

Dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat. Sorry. And the bunny got away.

Like you could find something this sophisticated.

Really? A purse?

It's not a purse. It's a shoulder bag. - It looks like a woman's purse. - No. Trust me, all the men are carrying them in the spring catalog.

See, look. Women carrying the bag.

But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.

Exactly. Unisex! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

I ain't going to say no to that!

What? Are you referring to my man's bag?

Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card?

You-and-I sexy?

Pulling flowers out makes the bag look masculine.

It's like it's coming right at me.

Just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong.

You guys have to get used to the fact that Joey... comes with a bag!

Do you sell these? No, these babies sell themselves.

But I didn't read anything. I think we've seen enough.

To tell you the truth... they had a problem with the bag!

Yeah, hey, then we could do that telephone thing... you know, where you have a can, we have a can... and it's connected by a string. Or we could do the actual telephone thing.

You mean how they're friends and nothing more?

You don't have any secrets. Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal.

A basket of mini muffins. There's a whole table of mini muffin baskets. Which one did you send? The small one.

Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those muffins. It was the best day. Your work makes me sad.

Like if I wanted something from Joey... I would strike up a conversation about, say, um, sandwiches... or, uh, my underwear.

Couldn't if I wanted to.

Dude, he's right there.

You guys want to probably get some hugs in too. Big news!

I'm just talking here. He's the one doing your sister.

You know what I just realized? If you guys have kids / We're having kids? / I call godfather!

Shouldn't her brother be godfather? / Sure. If you cared enough to call it first.

But what? / She keeps punching me.

She's hurting me. / I know what you need. You need a bodyguard. / What is Ben doing after preschool?

[Reaction beat - Monica's sympathetic response interrupted by Katie punching Joey]

You know, bread-stick fangs are always funny. / No, you make them funny. You're the funny one!

...it feels like I'm being hit with a very tiny but a very real bat!

She's right, you know? / Yeah, but still, cheap shot!

Listen, is it obvious I'm wearing six sweaters? / But it's not obvious why.

...when I take away the Joey love?

Do something or I'll walk out that door right now. / Are you going to?

How long is this going to go on? / I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were. So a long time.

Nickel... Okay, dime. You guys keep talking. This could take a while.

Cool. But why would a cop come in here? They don't serve doughnuts.

It's just that if you wear someone's sweatshirt... shouldn't it be your boyfriend's? And I'm not him.

Do I smell bad? You smell like a meadow.

Cops and doughnuts. Come on. If Chandler had said it you'd all be on the floor.

There was no sex. I haven't dreamt of her like that... since I found out about you two. More or less.

Friends first? That's interesting. You become friends after? No, never done that either.

How you doing?

Think I'll get me one of those. What's up, Joe? I saw you first, so...

Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first.

Suddenly, through no fault of my own, I became irresistible to her! And her roommate.

Closeness, schmoseness. There was three of us, for crying out loud!

Oh, boy. That guy's underwear sucks! What? Well, I got this pair marked 'XS'. Let me tell you, there was no room for excess anything in there.

Is he doing his 'shark attack' bit? No. Oh, wait! There he goes.

How... you... doing?

I counted. You're not supposed to live here! Oh, man!

She's back! Hot girl's back! Well, I'm not totally back yet. But I appreciate it.

Hey, little girl. Is your mommy or sister or babysitter by any chance, a hot girl?

She lives in some hot-girl parallel universe or something.

I almost lost another girl because of counting!

By the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine. Man, they cannot get enough!

Is that your card? / Yes. [immediately after being asked to memorize it]

Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition? I mean, way to go, Ben! I've been in that park a million times and no one's offered me an audition.

I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong? / That.

You're not his godfather. / What? Are you kidding? Of course I am.

So I steered clear of her. And the other one, I know from... Well, you know.

No. We're like best friends. That's why it's weird. / I thought we were just talking.

I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it. If anyone should step aside, it should be Ben.

You're like the tagalong dad!

Come on! Have you seen what my kid can do? He dials phones, he eats tortilla chips. He plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

You just give him a spoon, baby.

This commercial belongs to me and Mitch! / Your kid's name is Raymond! / Yeah? So is yours!

So you want to be an actor? I gotta tell you, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability... one day, you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day, you're eating ketchup out of the bottle.

Oh, who am I kidding. I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

What'd I say? / Mmm...noodle soup. / How's that different?

Mmm...noodle soup. Damn it!

What kind of an actor can't even say, 'Mmm...noodle soup'?

It's not that I'm a bad actor. No, it's just that I care so damn much about little Ben that it was more important for me to see him succeed.

Ha, ha, Ross, we broke up two years ago. You've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

We don't need her measurements. Ha, ha. Pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni.

Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English. Ha, ha, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I weighed, like, 27 pounds when I was born.

Oh, what is it? Uh, they cut me out of the show.

Not likely. Because you see that body bag right there? Yeah. I'm in it.

Oh, uh, soon. I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! No. Sam Waterston! Oh, no, no. That's me. That's me! No. Sam Waterston. Crime Misdemeanor, Capricorn One. She doesn't know 'hello,' but she knows Capricorn One.

All right, back off! I got a gun! I'm not afraid to use it. Oh, Joey. That's right, Nonnie. You couldn't have at least changed your shirt?

Hey, man. What's up? / Just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow.