The One Where Ross Dates A Student

Ross:I had a monkey! His name was Marcel!

Monica:Ross, why are we even talking about this?

Ross:I don't know! It made sense at the time!

Chandler:No, it really didn't.

Ross:Okay, fine. It was a terrible idea and I have no idea what I was thinking.

Customer:20% seems high. What about 15%?

Server:15%? That's insulting. How about 25%?

Customer:25%? For what?

Server:For listening to you complain about 20%. Now it's 30%.

Customer:You can't just keep raising it!

Server:I can, and I am. That'll be 40% now.

Setting up another escalation Character cuts off the pattern before it gets absurd

Joey:I'm almost out of headshots. I need to get new ones made.

Chandler:What happened to all of them?

Joey:Well, I had this one headshot I didn't like, so I drew a mustache on it.

Chandler:Joey, why would you do that?

Joey:I don't know, I was bored!

Unknown character:Please, I really need the money. I'm begging you.

Unknown character:*demonstrates pathetic begging posture with puppy dog eyes*

Chandler:I'm very proud of this look. I spent years perfecting it.

Joey:I'm thinking about volunteering for medical experiments. They pay pretty good.

Chandler:That would explain a lot.

Joey:I'm not doing it again. Last time they made me go in a room by myself and... let's just say I'm not a fan of the commute.

Boss:What were you told about talking while you work?

Joey:Oh, um, that I shouldn't do it?

Boss:Right. So why do I keep hearing you talk?

Joey:Oh! Oh, I thought you meant I shouldn't talk WHILE I'm working. Like, during. But I can talk before work starts and after work ends, right?

Rachel or Phoebe:We went to self-defense class today.

Rachel or Phoebe:By the end, the instructor was exhausted from us practicing on him.

Ross:Kicking crotches?

Ross:It's a state of total awareness.

Phoebe:Oh, unagi! It's a freshwater eel!

Phoebe:No, no, no. Unagi is not sushi. Unagi is a freshwater eel. It's very dangerous.

Rachel:Okay, but isn't it served as sushi?

Phoebe:It can be, but that doesn't make it sushi. It's like if I served you a steak on a sushi roll, it wouldn't make it sushi.

Rachel:Wait, did you say sushi? I'm so hungry.

Phoebe:Yeah, but Ross was just talking about his karate thing.

Rachel:I don't care about karate. I want spicy tuna roll right now.

Rachel:Unagi? What is unagi?

Ross:It's a fresh water eel. In Japan, the unagi is considered a delicacy.

Phoebe:Oh! I thought you said 'una-gee'. Like, 'una-gee, una-gee, una-gee!'

Rachel:What does that even mean?

Phoebe:I have no idea!

Ross:You always need to be prepared for a surprise attack.

Ross:Like this!

Ross:The unagi is a freshwater eel. But it's also used to describe a particular style of Japanese cuisine.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's so interesting!

Phoebe:Wait, so you're saying the eel is also a food preparation method?

Ross:Exactly. It's fascinating how one word can have multiple meanings in culinary contexts.

Chandler:Get her a calendar. That way she can mark the day she met me and... oh wait, that would be every day.

Joey:A spa day? That sounds great! You know what would really get her in the mood? A couples massage.

Joey:And then afterwards, you could take her back to the hotel room and... well, let's just say there's a different kind of massage you could give her.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm both the boyfriend AND the brother here, and I'm very uncomfortable!

Joey:You know what? Making a gift is way better than buying one. It shows you really care.

Chandler:That's sweet, Joey. What would you make?

Joey:Well, if I were giving my girlfriend a gift, I'd probably just... you know, wrap myself up in a bow.

Monica:Joey, that's not a gift, that's just you being creepy.

Joey:No, no, no - see, that's where you're wrong. You put a little fabric softener on first, so it's all soft and nice...

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm making a birdhouse out of human hair.

Monica:Why would you make a birdhouse out of human hair?

Phoebe:Well, the birds need to know it's a safe place.

Phoebe:A smock-a-lypse.

Monica:Sock bunnies?! That's not a craft, that's a cry for help!

Monica:Wait a minute... that's my sock!

Phoebe:No it's not.

Monica:Yes it is! I've been looking for that sock for three weeks!

Phoebe:Well, I needed it for the bunny.

Monica:You made a bunny out of my sock?

Monica:Someone keeps stealing my socks from the dryer!

Phoebe:Oh, that's not stealing. That's the dryer giving you a gift of mystery and freedom.

Phoebe:Oh! I just realized what 'flar-lar-lar' means!

Phoebe:It's the sound a baby penguin makes when it's learning to swim backwards in a blizzard!

Chandler:Oh! Oh my God, I forgot to get you a gift! But you know what? That's okay because I got you something even better — I got you... the gift of my presence! Which, let's be honest, is worth like a thousand dollars on the open market.

Chandler:Could I BE any more calm right now? I'm like the poster child for serenity. They should put my picture in the dictionary next to the word 'relaxed.' I'm so chill, I'm practically frozen. In fact, I think I've achieved a state of zen that most monks only dream about!

Joey:Hi, I'm here for the medical study. I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Receptionist:Welcome, Mr. Tribbiani. What brings you in today?

Joey:Well, I understand you're looking for male test subjects, and I'd like to offer my services. I'm very committed to advancing the cause of science.

Receptionist:That's wonderful. The study involves—

Joey:But first, how much are you gonna pay me to jerk off?

Joey:What? But I've been saving up!

Joey:A new study shows that 72% of women find me attractive.

Joey:It's called 'Joey Tribbiani: A Comprehensive Analysis of Perfection.'

Joey:A study shows that men who are attractive have a better chance of getting ahead in life.

Receptionist:Well, that's not good news for you.

Rachel:What is wrong with you?

Phoebe:Yeah, that was really weird, Ross.

Ross:Well, technically, it was a very aggressive educational experience. I mean, I learned that my reflexes are slower than I thought, and that Monica's vase was worth more than my dignity.

Ross:Oh yeah? You think you could kick my ass?

Woman:Yeah, we could totally kick your ass!

Ross:Alright, alright. How about this?

Ross:*makes sudden aggressive move*

Woman:*screams and jumps back*

Ross:Yeah, that's what I thought.

Ross:You know, it's important to be aware of your surroundings at all times. Awareness is key to—

Rachel:Oh my God!

Phoebe:Surprise!

Ross:Ow! What the—

Phoebe:You can't hurt me, Ross. I'm not even really here. I'm a spirit, remember? I died in childbirth in 1881.

Ross:What? No, you didn't.

Phoebe:Well, not in THIS lifetime.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me there's money in this?

Joey:How much are we talking here?

Joey:Well, sign me up! I'll do it.

Joey:Oh, oh, oh! But wait—do you need my identical twin for this study or something?

Joey:Because I think I know a guy. Actually, no, I don't think that's gonna work out.

Ross:I knew you were coming.

Chandler:How?

Ross:I'm psychic.

Chandler:You're psychic? You didn't know Monica was dating Chandler until we told you!

Ross:It's not just a soup, it's a way of life. Unagi gives you a kind of sixth sense.

Chandler:Yeah, or it could be the high sodium content.

Ross:Hey Chandler, I made something that might help you feel better.

Chandler:Aw, that's really sweet, man. What is it?

Ross:It's a volcano. I made it in the fourth grade.

Chandler:A volcano? How is a volcano going to help me?

Ross:Well, when you're feeling down, you just add the baking soda and vinegar, and it erupts. It's very therapeutic.

Chandler:Oh wow, look at this! You know what this says to me? It says, 'I'm alone.'

Chandler:I'm like an astronaut, landing on the moon of your heart.

Ross:Actually, the moon's surface is composed of regolith, and the lunar module's descent engine produces approximately 10,500 pounds of thrust. Also, the moon has no atmosphere, so 'landing' would involve a controlled descent using the reaction control system thrusters.

Chandler:You know what? The moment's gone.

Chandler:Could I BE any more interested in space facts?

Chandler:I can't give it to Monica because it says 'World's Best Big Brother' on it.

Chandler:Even worse, the inscription says 'To Monica, the only woman who could ever satisfy me.' Now it just looks like I'm bragging about my wife's... abilities.

Ross:It's unagi. The eel. It's a real thing. I'm prepared.

Rachel:Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:You never know when you're going to be attacked, so I'm teaching you unagi—the art of sensing danger.

Monica:Oh my God, he's finally lost it.

Ross:You scoff, but unagi has saved my life more times than I can count. Zero. But it could happen!

Chandler:Oh, I'll have the unagi.

Chandler:I didn't get you anything.

Monica:What? Why not?

Chandler:Because... I forgot.

Monica:You forgot?

Chandler:Yeah, I totally forgot. It completely slipped my mind.

Monica:Chandler...

Chandler:What? I'm serious! I would never lie to you. I'm telling you the absolute truth right now.

Monica:Then why is there a gift-wrapped box behind your back?

Chandler:Oh God, oh God, what am I gonna get her? I have no idea what to get her!

Joey:Dude, just get her a gift certificate.

Chandler:A gift certificate? That's so impersonal!

Monica:Chandler, it's not impersonal if you write a nice card.

Chandler:A gift certificate AND a card? Why didn't I think of that? I'm a genius!

Chandler:I got you a sock bunny. I know I never called you that, but... it's adorable, it's soft, and occasionally it goes missing for no reason.

Monica:That's not a pet name, that's a cry for help.

Monica:Phoebe, this is amazing! Did you really make this?

Phoebe:Yeah, I did it myself.

Chandler:Well, there's a difference between making something and making something yourself.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I can't do this anymore. I have to tell you something.

Chandler:There is no sock bunny. I made it up. I created an entire fictional rabbit out of hosiery and lies, and I've been living with that guilt every single day.

Chandler:I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Monica:It's okay, Chandler. I love it.

Chandler:Really? Because I didn't wrap it or anything.

Monica:What do you want to do tonight?

Chandler:Well, there's an old saying: 'A friend in need is a friend who owes you money.'

Monica · Carl:Who the hell are you? I'm Joey. How are you doing?

Joey:No no no, you gotta say it like this: 'How you doin'?'

Carl:How you doing?

Joey:No, no, with more... charm. More... Joey. 'How you doin'?'

Carl:How you doing?

Joey:Okay, forget it. Just... just stand there and look handsome.

Joey:I hired my twin brother Carl to be my stand-in for auditions.

Chandler:Wait, you have a twin brother?

Joey:Yeah, and he's a great actor. Well, actually he's not, but he looks exactly like me, so...

Monica:Joey, that's not how this works.

Joey:Why not? I show up, they see me, then Carl shows up, they see me again. They're gonna think I'm amazing!

Joey:Carl, this guy's a total mess. He can't act. Watch this.

Joey:Oh no, my cat is stuck in a tree.

Joey:Oh no! My cat is stuck in a tree!

Joey:OH NO! MY CAT IS STUCK IN A TREE! OH MY GOD!

Ross:I could take any game show host. I'm serious! I could beat up Bob Barker, Alex Trebek, any of them.

Chandler:Even Regis?

Ross:Especially Regis!

Ross:It's not 'I am unagi.' The plural of unagi is unagi.

Rachel:So we're supposed to say 'we are unagi'?

Ross:No! You don't understand. Unagi is a state of total awareness.

Joey · Carl:Carl, we're next. Now remember, what is this not gonna be? Another Minute Maid fiasco.

Joey:Okay, Carl, remember what I told you. Don't talk. Just stand there and look good.

Carl:Yeah, I got it. No talking. I can do that.

Joey:Carl...

Carl:Right, right, sorry. I'm done. Lips are sealed.

Carl:So anyway, about my agent...

Researcher:You guys aren't twins.

Joey:This is all Carl's fault!

Joey:How was I supposed to know he'd show up looking nothing like me?

Chandler:I made us a five-course meal.

Monica:Really? What are we having?

Chandler:Cereal, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chocolate milk, cookies, and ice cream. I paired each course with a different blanket from the couch.

Monica:This is nice.

Chandler:I made you a mixtape.

Monica:Oh my god, that's so sweet!

Janice:Oh. My. God.

Self-defense instructor:Well, that was terrible. But you know what? This is actually a great learning opportunity for you.

Self-defense instructor:You see, the key thing you did wrong was... basically everything.

Self-defense instructor:But the important lesson here is: next time, try to keep your hands up.

Ross:Well, I'm not very good at it. I got beat up by a girl.

Instructor:You tried to attack your ex-wife?

Ross:Well, I tried. She got away.

Ross:I need to learn self-defense. Can you help me?

Self-defense instructor:Sure, I can teach you. Tell you what - we should team up and attack women.

Ross:What?!

Self-defense instructor:It's the best way to learn - you need real-world practice with actual victims.

Instructor:Let's attack women together.

Instructor:Wait, that came out wrong.

Ross:Hey, uh, how's it going?

Monica:Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:What? I'm just... talking to some people.

Chandler:Dude, you're literally crouching behind the counter.

Ross:I'm not crouching, I'm... examining the pastries at eye level.

Rachel:Ross, you're doing that thing again.

Ross:What thing?

Phoebe:The creepy stalker thing. You look like a supervillain planning world domination.

Ross:I'm not attacking women, I'm attacking you!

Chandler:Oh my God, we're losing to girls!