The One With Unagi

Ross:Finding a third person for a threesome? That's going to be nearly impossible.

Carol:I already have a list.

Ross:A list? Carol made a list of people for a threesome?

Ross:Well, I have some notes. Did she consider the logistics? The emotional implications? Has she thought about this as carefully as she would a term paper?

Ross:Because if we're doing this, we need a thesis statement, proper citations, and a works cited page.

Carol:I made a list of potential partners.

Carol:One woman appears twice on it.

Carol:She must be really something special.

Carol:We should save this for later.

Ross:Save it? What, like in a jar?

Carol:Maybe we should save our sexual energy for each other.

Ross:Yeah... okay.

Monica:I brought you some tea.

Phoebe:I don't want tea. Do you have any beer?

Monica:She doesn't know yet.

Chandler:You're gonna have to tell her.

Monica:I know, I know. I'm just waiting for the right moment.

Ross:Monica, you have to tell her now.

Monica:Why? So she can spend the rest of the day being upset?

Chandler:She's gonna find out anyway.

Monica:Yeah, but maybe by then she'll have found another job and it won't be so bad.

Ross:That's not how reality works.

Monica:I know, but a girl can dream.

Unknown:Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!!

Chandler:I probably shouldn't have another one.

Chandler:But I will.

Joey:Check it out! It creates this amazing water effect!

Chandler:That's cool, but uh... warning: keep away from fish.

Joey:What? Why?

Chandler:Trust me, I learned the hard way.

Rachel:Joey, can I use your bathroom?

Joey:Yeah, sure.

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm using Joey Tribbiani's bathroom. This is it. This is how my life has changed. I'm officially a woman who uses Joey Tribbiani's bathroom.

Rachel:Wow, Joey, your apartment is amazing!

Joey:Really? You think so?

Rachel:Yeah, it's so nice and spacious and—

Joey:Finally! Someone gets it. My whole life has been leading to this moment. This is it. This is what I'm here for.

Joey:You know what they say about oysters, right?

Rachel:Yeah, they're high in zinc, which is really good for your immune system.

Joey:No, no, no — they're supposed to be an aphrodisiac!

Rachel:Oh. Well, zinc is still very important.

Joey:People say oysters are aphrodisiacs.

Rachel:People? What people? Name one person who says that.

Joey:Um... people. You know, people people.

Rachel:No, I want a name. A specific person.

Joey:Watch this. It's all about the sensuality.

Rachel:Joey, do you know how many diseases are transmitted through hand contact?

Rachel:Joey, will you save me some food? I'm going to the hospital.

Joey:Yeah, sure.

Rachel:Joey!

Joey:What? I'm kidding. No, I'll save you some. I'll put it in a box, I'll write your name on it, and everything.

Rachel:Thank you.

Joey:Although, I gotta be honest, the second you leave, that name is coming off.

Susan:So this is going to be amazing!

Ross:Yeah... amazing. Right.

Susan:I've been looking forward to this all week!

Ross:Oh God.

Chandler:Did you know that couscous got its name because when the French first tried it, they said 'Couz, couz!' which means 'Cousin, cousin!' because it felt like a family meal?

Monica:Hey! At least I had a reason. What's your excuse?

Monica:Oh Chandler, with your limited sexual experience...

Chandler:Hey! I've had plenty of sex! I've had... I've had tons of sex! Well, not tons. But a respectable amount. Okay, fine, it's been a while, but I'm not inexperienced!

Monica:You just made it worse.

Chandler:I know.

Monica:He's not horrible.

Chandler:Not horrible. That's my whole dating pitch!

Monica:Oh my God, I'm going to die a virgin!

Chandler:No, you're not.

Monica:Yes, I am! I'm going to be one of those cats, you know, the crazy cat lady?

Chandler:Monica...

Monica:We should have sex.

Chandler:What?!

Monica:Come on, we're friends. We could just... do it.

Monica:So... do you want to have sex?

Chandler:Yes. Yes, I do.

Monica:Wait, you were kidding?

Chandler:Were you kidding?

Monica:I don't know, were you?

Chandler:I asked you first!

Rachel:How do you separate your character from yourself?

Joey:Well, when I'm playing a character, I follow the script. But in real life, I just wing it.

Rachel:I'm okay! I'm okay. I just fell down the stairs.

Rachel:I can't feel my face.

Joey:That's the good stuff.

Rachel:I can't feel my legs either.

Monica:Maybe you should stop drinking.

Rachel:I can't feel Monica's concern.

Monica:I don't need to know everything. Ignorance is bliss.

Chandler:Yeah, but what if I do something that would disappoint you?

Monica:Then don't tell me about it.

Monica:Chandler has four other women to compete with.

Monica:Well, three now.

Monica:Do you have any moves?

Chandler:Moves? Like what, you mean dance moves?

Monica:No, I mean... you know, moves. In bed.

Chandler:Oh! Well, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Monica:Tricks? This isn't a magic show, Chandler!

Monica:Chandler, you're caressing the couch.

Chandler:I know.

Monica:Again!

Rachel:Oh my God, I can't believe I got that drunk. I'm so embarrassed.

Monica:It's okay, it happens to everyone.

Rachel:No, you don't understand. It wasn't just anyone who saw me like that.

Chandler:Who was it?

Rachel:It was Brad Pitt.

Rachel:You're a TV star, Joey!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not a star. I'm a famous actor.

Rachel:What's the difference?

Joey:A star is what you wish upon. I'm a famous actor.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey! You stole this from the set?

Joey:It's just a prop, Rach.

Rachel:Just a prop?! What if they notice it's missing?

Joey:They won't. There's like a hundred of these things.

Rachel:Joey, this is so wrong!

Rachel:Are you allowed to keep the props from the show?

Joey:Well, I have this ashtray from the set... and some coasters... and a lamp... and a chair... and a sofa...

Rachel:Joey!

Joey:What? They said we could keep props!

Joey:It's not an engagement ring. It's a symbol of your goodness, your purity, your—

Rachel:Joey, this is the ring from Days of Our Lives. The evil twin used it to poison the mayor.

Rachel:What does this ring even mean?

Joey:It means I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Rachel:Really?

Joey:No, I'm just messing with you. How much is it worth?

Ross:Joey, have you ever been in a threesome?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ross, I'm flattered, but I'm not into guys!

Joey:Okay?! Okay?! Ross, that's like... that's like saying winning the lottery is okay!

Joey:That's like saying sex with two women at the same time is just... okay?!

Ross:Well, it wasn't great because... I mean, there were three people, and I was only one person. Mathematically, I was outnumbered. It's like going to a party where you don't know anyone — you're just standing there hoping someone talks to you, except everyone's naked and you're disappointing them.

Ross:It was weird, okay? There were three of us in the bed, and I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands.

Joey:dude, that's the easiest choice ever. You look at the boobs, and you put your hands on the boobs.

Joey:So you got to be with both of them?

Ross:No, I was mostly excluded.

Ross:I wasn't with another woman!

Rachel:Then what do you call it?

Ross:It was a threesome!

Rachel:A threesome?!

Ross:Yeah, but I got pushed out after like five minutes.

Joey:Did you get bored?

Ross:No, no, I made a sandwich.

Joey:During?

Ross:Well, I was hungry.

Joey:You had a threesome and you made a sandwich?

Ross:Well, I was hungry!

Joey:What kind of sandwich?

Ross:It was turkey and roast beef with a little mayo on whole wheat.

Joey:Wait, wait. So you're telling me you had a threesome and all you can talk about is a sandwich?

Ross:It wasn't just a sandwich, Joey. It was perfectly layered. The proportions were ideal.

Joey:I would take that sandwich over a threesome any day of the week.

Ross:Thank you! See, someone gets it!

Chandler:So last night I met this amazing woman at the bar, we talked for hours, had incredible chemistry, and then we went back to my place and—

Chandler:Wait.

Chandler:Oh my God.

Monica:I'm not promiscuous!

Chandler:No, of course not.

Monica:I've only slept with like, two people since my divorce.

Chandler:That's what I'm saying.

Monica:Wait, are you calling me promiscuous?

Chandler:No! I'm just saying... okay, fine, yes.

Monica:Well, maybe I am! Maybe I like being promiscuous!

Monica:I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Chandler:Oh yeah? What for?

Monica:He needs to check if I'm ready.

Chandler:Ready for what?

Monica:To see other patients.

Monica:My doctor says I have very healthy blood pressure.

Monica:I think it's because I'm doing something that really gets my heart pumping.

Chandler:What, exercising?

Monica:No, I'm thinking about you.

Barry:Oh, I see. Well, this is awkward. I suppose I should have called ahead. I'll just... I'll come back later.

Colleague:Oh. You're back.

Phoebe:I wasn't fired! I quit! I mean, they said I was fired, but I prefer to think of it as they said I was fired.

Phoebe:The guy said I was 'unsuitable for the job.' Unsuitable? I mean, hello, if he had actually done his research, he would have known I'm suitable for... well, something.

Phoebe:So what if I was fired? I still have a key to the place.

Phoebe:I'm just gonna keep showing up and doing my job like nothing happened.

Phoebe:They can't stop me. I'm like a ghost, but with a timesheet.

Phoebe:I don't have an office?

Phoebe:Okay, well then I'll just work out of this plant.

Phoebe:I made a lot of money for this company. Yen, rubles, pesos, lire, pounds, marks, guilders, zlotys...

Monica:Those aren't real currencies.

Phoebe:Well, they were real when I made them.

Phoebe:It was just a little mistake!

Monica:Phoebe, you set the break room on fire.

Phoebe:A little mistake!

Phoebe:Money? That's what you're worried about? I thought a financial company would have bigger concerns than money.

Phoebe:You can't fire me! I'll have another heart attack!

Manager/Boss:That's not my problem.

Phoebe:Well, stress literally triggers another heart attack!

Phoebe:Take it easy? I'm having a heart attack! Oh, and by the way, you're a terrible person and nobody likes you.

Phoebe:Oh, you know, same old same old. I'm living in a box, my hair's falling out, and I'm pretty sure my kidney's on the fritz.

Rachel:Joey, I promise I'm not going to throw up on you.

Rachel:I'm fine! I'm fine! Everything is fine!

Rachel:Men are all the same! They're all liars and cheaters and they don't deserve us!

Rachel:I mean, what is it with men? Why do they always cheat? It's like, you give them everything, and they just throw it back in your face!

Rachel:And it's always with someone completely inappropriate. Like, I don't know, your dog walker or something!

Rachel:I did not! I was just... helping him pick out a new couch.

Ross:Rachel, you're still wearing his shirt.

Rachel:So? It's comfortable!

Ross:Look, I'm telling you, men take their marriage vows very seriously. We don't just go around cheating willy-nilly.

Rachel:Really? Because didn't you sleep with someone else while you were married to Emily?

Ross:That was different! We were on a break!

Monica:You were married, Ross. Not on a break. Married.

Ross:Well, technically, my marital status during that period was... complicated.

Rachel:So your friend's wife is a lesbian.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. My wife is not gay!

Rachel:Ross, she's a lesbian.

Ross:Okay, okay, okay. A lesbian. She's a lesbian. I'm married to a lesbian.

Ross:That's fine. That's... that's fine. I'm fine with that.

Ross:I don't know what to do. Rachel and I just can't seem to get it right.

Barry:Yeah, well at least you don't have to worry about your wife sleeping with someone else.

Ross:Wait, isn't that exactly what happened with you and Carol?

Barry:Well, yes, but that's different. You should really try couples therapy. It saved my marriage.

Monica:Roger got beeped for a medical emergency.

Chandler:Yeah, I know. I faked it.

Chandler:I'm not a doctor.

Monica:Wait, you're telling me you've only slept with two women?

Chandler:Yeah, why is that so hard to believe?

Monica:Because you're always bragging about all these stories!

Chandler:Well, one of them is you.

Monica:Oh my God.

Phoebe:♪ When your heart stops beating, that's when life begins / You see the light, you understand, you're free from all your sins / Two times I've died and come back new, with wisdom and with grace / The grim reaper looked at me and said, 'Girl, you've won this race' ♪

Phoebe:Let it go, let it go, don't hold it back anymore. Just let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door. I don't want to be your friend anymore.

Phoebe:I just want to tell you so you know. Here's a thought, I hope that you die.