The One With The Proposal (1)

Unknown Friend:Wow, that's a beautiful engagement ring!

Unknown Friend:How many of these do you have now?

Blunt observation highlighting someone's lack of romantic success

Chandler:I've got champagne, rose petals, and I rented a tuxedo. This is going to be the most romantic proposal ever.

Monica:That's sweet. What are you going to say?

Chandler:I dunno, something like 'Will you marry me?' But I'll say it really loud so the neighbors can hear and be jealous.

Joey:I can help you with your proposal! I'm great with words.

Chandler:Joey, you once thought 'etymology' was the study of bugs.

Joey:Yeah, but I nailed it!

Joey:So if the proposal goes badly, I'm thinking I swoop in, tell Rachel I've always loved her, and boom — I'm the hero.

Chandler:That's your plan if someone else's life falls apart?

Joey:What? I'm being realistic. Someone's gotta be there to catch her.

Monica:Has anyone seen my wedding dress? I need it right now!

Chandler:I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

Monica:Well it's not! Where is it?!

Chandler:Maybe Phoebe borrowed it to use as a parachute again.

Monica:This is not funny, Chandler! I need that dress today!

Rachel:Monica, didn't you take it to the cleaners last week?

Monica:The cleaners... oh my God.

Chandler:What?

Monica:They closed down yesterday. They're gone.

Unknown:We're practically kissing.

Ross:You know what? I can't believe you guys forgot. I had this whole evening planned.

Monica:Ross, we're sorry, we just lost track of time—

Ross:No, no, no. Do you know what Rachel did to me last week? She used my shampoo. MY shampoo, Monica. And she didn't even ask.

Chandler:That's... not the same thing.

Ross:Oh, and another thing—Phoebe borrowed a sweater three months ago. Three months! And when I finally got it back, it smelled like cat.

Joey:Wait, open bar? That's like Christmas morning for me. I'm not drinking, I'm donating to charity. Every shot is a tax write-off.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You're giving money to charity? Joey, you owe me money!

Chandler:Joey, you owe me fifty bucks from last month.

Joey:Chandler, Chandler, Chandler. You know what? Forget about it. I'm giving it to you.

Chandler:You're giving me... my own money back?

Joey:Yeah! You're welcome.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You're not going to a charity event because you have a date with a girl who's young enough to be a charity case?

Ross:She's not that young!

Chandler:Ross, she's so young, the Make-A-Wish Foundation called. They want their cause back.

Chandler:All jokes aside? Have you met me?

Ross:What? Why is everyone so upset about Rachel and me?

Chandler:Because she's your sister's best friend, and you work with Monica, and—

Ross:Okay, okay, I get it. But come on, we're just... we're just having fun!

Monica:Fun? Ross, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Phoebe:Yeah, and I'm sensing really bad energy around this whole thing.

Joey:Dude, we're all just saying what everyone's thinking.

Ross:I... I had no idea you all felt this way!

Ross:I'm dating Elizabeth, not you guys.

Joey:Yeah, well, I've dated her too.

Joey:Hey, Elizabeth just walked by, and wow! That girl is smoking hot!

Chandler:Joey, she's 15.

Joey:So? She's really—

Chandler:Actually, this is perfect. I just realized—with your maturity level, you two are finally age-appropriate for each other.

Chandler:Monica, will you marry me?

Monica:Yes!

Chandler:Oh good, because I can't feel my legs.

Chandler:Will you marry me?

Monica:Yes!

Chandler:Oh good, because I wasn't actually proposing.

Monica:Oh, look who decided to show up. Let me guess, you all had nothing better to do than sit around my apartment?

Monica:You know what a silent auction is, right? People bid on items without saying anything out loud.

Monica:It's very civilized and—oh my God, is that a new shirt? It makes you look like you have no shoulders.

Chandler:This is my roommate Joey. He's an actor.

Joey:Hey, is that a sandwich?

Chandler:Joey, we're in the middle of something.

Joey:Right, right. Sorry. But seriously, is that a sandwich?

Chandler:He's not with us. He had to go... to the bathroom.

Chandler:He'll be right back. He's very reliable about these things.

Phoebe:Okay, $20.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you getting water on the carpet?! That's a Persian rug! Do you know how much that costs?! And the couch — the COUCH! It's a limited edition! Stop it! Stop it right now! You're going to ruin everything!

Child:It's just water, Monica.

Monica:JUST water?! Just water?! There's no such thing as 'just water' when you're talking about my apartment! This is a disaster! A complete and utter disaster! I need to sit down. No wait, you'll get the chair wet! Everyone freeze! Just... freeze right there!

Ross:Where are all the drinks?

Elizabeth:I put them in water balloons.

Ross:You put the drinks in water balloons?

Elizabeth:Yeah, for the water balloon fight!

Ross:Wait, wait! I'm wearing my tuxedo for the gala tonight!

Chandler:That's exactly why you're a perfect target.

Ross:No, no, no—

Auction Announcer:Sold! To the gentleman in the back for $500!

Joey:Yes! I won! I knew it would be $500!

Chandler:Joey, that's not how auctions work.

Joey:Oh. So I don't get the... whatever that was?

Joey:Yes! Yes! I got the part! I'm gonna be a boxer in the movie!

Chandler:That's great, Joe. Although, I have to tell you, I looked up the script online, and your character gets knocked out in the first thirty seconds.

Joey:What?

Chandler:Yeah, and then you're in a coma for the rest of the movie. Your character doesn't even wake up for the ending.

Joey:How?

Chandler:I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Monica:Can I borrow your jacket?

Chandler:No.

Monica:Why not?

Chandler:Because I'm wearing it. And when I stop wearing it, I'm going to want to wear it again. It's a vicious cycle.

Chandler:Monica, before you, my life was like a TV dinner — it looked fine on the box, but when you actually opened it up...

Chandler:...it was a little disappointing and made you wonder what the chicken actually was.

Monica:Oh my God, Richard!

Chandler:I'm not Richard.

Monica:Your mustache is back.

Richard:Yes, I thought I'd bring it back. It's very distinguished.

Monica:It's very creepy.

Chandler:I know what I'm doing. I'm being funny. It's a defense mechanism. I have to make jokes when I'm uncomfortable, or I'll just stand here and sweat through my shirt like I'm in a Mariah Carey video.

Chandler:Used to date? We didn't used to date. We never dated. I mean, we hung out, we were friends, we... we kissed a couple times, but that's not dating.

Monica:Chandler...

Chandler:What? I'm just saying, Richard, there's a big difference between dating and... and whatever this was. It was casual. Very casual. We barely knew each other.

Monica:Chandler, stop talking.

Chandler:I'm not panicking, if that's what you're thinking. Why would I panic? Everything's fine. Everything's great. I love my job, I love my life, I definitely don't have a secret relationship going on.

Chandler:I know, I know. I make an inappropriate joke, everyone gets uncomfortable, and then we all pretend it didn't happen. It's basically my thing at this point.

Joey:Look, I'm bidding on this painting because it's for charity. The less I bid, the more money the charity gets to keep!

Chandler:That's not how auctions work, Joey.

Joey:Yes it is! I bid low, they don't have to give me as much money back, boom — charity wins!

Chandler:Joey, you can't just donate to charity because you feel guilty.

Joey:Why not?

Chandler:Because that's not how charity works.

Joey:No, no, no. If I feel guilty, I give money. Then I don't feel guilty. So the charity helped me!

Chandler:That's not charity, that's therapy.

Joey:Well, therapy costs more.

Joey:Well, if I'm drunk, I can't feel the pain when they hurt me. So it's like a win-win for the kids!

Joey:Hey, at least I got the boat! Who cares if I overpaid by a thousand bucks? I'm just happy to be close to it.

Joey:I can't pay my rent.

Chandler:Oh, sure, and I'm a astronaut.

Joey:Why does New York need a youth center? I grew up without one and I turned out fine.

Chandler:Joey, you can't even read.

Joey:I can too read. I just don't very often.

Phoebe:My mom used to be a drug addict, and my dad was killed by the CIA, so I grew up on the streets. But hey, at least I had fun!

Richard:I'd like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler—two souls entwined like jasmine vines in the moonlight, their love a symphony of whispered promises and stolen glances across crowded rooms. May their union be as eternal as the stars, as pure as fresh-fallen snow, and as passionate as a Shakespearean sonnet written in tears of joy.

Chandler:I have no idea what you just said, but I'm pretty sure you made Monica cry.

Ross:So, Elizabeth, did you have fun with the water balloons? That's nice. You know, water is very important. It covers most of the Earth. The Earth is very big. Very, very big.

Phoebe:You just gotta weigh the good against the bad.

Phoebe:Like, put all the good things he does on one side of a scale, and all the bad things on the other side.

Phoebe:Whichever side is heavier, that's your answer.

Ross:I've been thinking a lot about our relationship, and I'm not sure things are working out.

Phoebe:Oh my god, are you dying?

Phoebe:You know, I've been married three times, and I can tell you—marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond, but by the end, you're looking for a club and a spade to dig yourself out of the hole you're in.

Chandler:So who won the trip to Paris?

Unknown:You did!

Chandler:Me? But I don't speak French!

Chandler:Bonjour, je m'appelle... uh... Chandler Bing. Could I BE any more American?

Chandler:Okay, so this boat is a real beauty. She's got everything you could want — a cabin, a deck, and most importantly, she floats. Usually.

Chandler:I've named her 'The Chandelier' because, well, I'm Chandler, and it's got a certain... ring to it. Plus, if you squint, the mast kind of looks like a chandelier.

Chandler:She's great for romantic getaways, fishing trips, or just sitting in the marina pretending you have your life together. Which, let's be honest, none of us do.

Chandler:You know what I love about boat ownership? The progression. You start out as 'Captain.' Then it's 'Cap.' Then 'Cappy.' And before you know it, you're just a guy on a boat yelling at seagulls.

Joey:I'll take it!

Chandler:Joey, you don't have any money.

Joey:I know, but you were so convincing!

Monica:Let me see your hand.

Chandler:Why?

Monica:Just let me see it.

Chandler:It's just a scratch.

Monica:Chandler, what happened?

Chandler:I was taking out the trash and I fell on the... on the... on a broken bottle.

Monica:In the trash?

Chandler:Yes.

Monica:You fell on a broken bottle that was in the trash?

Chandler:It's not as bad as it sounds.

Joey:We could say we want to see her new ring.

Chandler:That's good! That's really good, Joe.

Ross:Wait, you have to act commitment-phobic? Chandler, that's not acting.

Chandler:Hey!

Ross:I know. I know.

Ross:I can't believe how mature Elizabeth is being about this breakup.

Elizabeth:ROSS! YOU JERK! HOW COULD YOU?!

Joey:Does Chandler look like he doesn't want to get married?

Joey:No, he looks like he doesn't want to get married.

Ross:Marriage is just a piece of paper. It's completely unnecessary.

Chandler:Yeah, and it's all part of the government's plan to control us through tax breaks and health insurance.

Monica:Chandler, what's going on? You've been acting weird all week. You keep saying you never want to get married, and then you disappear for hours. Are you... are you breaking up with me?

Chandler:What? No! Monica, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Monica:Then why have you been saying all that stuff about marriage being a trap?

Chandler:I was just... I don't know, being stupid. I'm sorry.

Monica:You better be. Because if you're messing with me, Bing, I will hurt you.

Joey:The Mr. Bowmont's here!

Monica:He wants to see me? Now? I'm not ready for this. I have a million things to do at the apartment. The grout in the bathroom needs re-caulking, and don't even get me started on the kitchen cabinets.

Chandler:Monica, you're talking about grout. You're definitely ready.

Richard:Came here to tell you I still love you.