The One With The Proposal (2)

Richard:Monica, I love you. You mean everything to me. And Chandler... well, is he even interested in women?

Richard:Monica, I love you. I've always loved you. You mean everything to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with—ow, my back. God, my back is killing me. Can we sit down?

Richard:I spent six months in Africa trying to forget you.

Monica:Oh my God, really?

Richard:Yes. I was building schools and digging wells for villages that had never had clean water.

Monica:That's... that's actually really sweet.

Richard:I know. It made me realize what's important in life.

Monica:So you got over me?

Richard:Not even a little bit.

Monica:He's in Africa helping blind kids? Oh come on! That's not fair! He's already impossibly handsome, he's successful, he's sophisticated... and now he's out there saving the world? He's becoming completely irresistible!

Richard:Why are you making Chandler wait for marriage?

Monica:Well, if we get married before the government says it's okay, they can take away our tax exemptions and give them to the Presbyterians!

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm so happy for you guys!

Rachel:I mean, it's not fair. Why does Monica get to be happy? I'm supposed to be the pretty one with the good life.

Rachel:I'm 87% sure I want to get married. 9% terrified. 3% wondering if I left the stove on. And 1% thinking about that guy from the coffee place.

Phoebe:Oh, 2%? That's nothing! I mean, you're barely jealous at all. You're like, the least jealous person I know. It's actually kind of inspiring how you're just totally fine with everything.

Rachel:Okay, fine. I was like 80% jealous.

Phoebe:I was 90% jealous!

Rachel:90%?

Phoebe:I wanted to claw your face off!

Joey:Have you guys seen Chandler?

Rachel:Oh, um... Marcus? Have you seen Marcus?

Joey:Look, marriage is unnatural. Humans aren't meant to be with one person forever.

Joey:You know who has it figured out? Pigs. Pigs don't get married. Pigs just... do their thing.

Joey:We should be more like pigs. It's science.

Joey:If a pig were athletic, he'd get more action.

Phoebe:You need to get married, Joey. You're not getting any younger.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you trying to manipulate me? Because that's what my ex-girlfriends do!

Phoebe:I'm not manipulating you, I'm just saying—

Joey:No, no, I know manipulation when I see it. The guilt trips, the pressure about my age... that's textbook stuff!

Rachel:My jealousy percentage has increased even more.

Phoebe:I have Joey as my backup. You know, in case I get to like 40 and I'm not married, we're getting married.

Joey:What?

Phoebe:Yeah, we made a pact. It's all very official. I have it notarized.

Phoebe:So we're really doing this? We're gonna get married if we're both still single at 40?

Joey:Yeah, we shook on it. It's official.

Phoebe:Well, I think we should seal it with a kiss.

Joey:A kiss? I was thinking something a little more... binding.

Joey:Monica, have you seen Rachel?

Monica:No, I haven't. Why?

Joey:Or a mirror.

Joey:Hey, check it out! I got this mirror for my boat.

Chandler:Joey, you don't have a boat.

Joey:I know, but when I do, I'm gonna need this. It's for seeing behind the boat when you're backing up.

Joey:Hey Monica, what's wrong? You look upset.

Monica:I'm fine, Joey.

Joey:No you're not. But don't worry, Captain Joey is here to help.

Monica:Captain? Since when are you a captain?

Joey:Since I got my boat! I'm Captain Joey now.

Joey:The man doth protest too much, methinks. He speaketh of marriage as one speaketh of root canal.

Joey:Chandler hates marriage! He's not gonna want to get married!

Monica:What? He proposed to me!

Joey:Oh... oh no. Oh no no no. I didn't know that part. Forget everything I said. Chandler loves marriage! He's crazy about marriage!

Monica:You said marriage is a death trap, it's the end of freedom and adventure, and by the way, you're not even sure he likes women!

Joey:Yeah?

Monica:So that's not exactly a ringing endorsement!

Joey:What? I was just making conversation!

Ross:Well, there would be no surprises if we got married. I mean, we've already slept together.

Rachel:Yeah, that's not really a surprise anymore.

Ross:We shook hands on it.

Phoebe:Oh, I thought you meant something else.

Joey:Where have you been?

Chandler:I was on Gilligan's Island.

Joey:What?

Chandler:Yeah, I got stuck there. The Professor couldn't fix the boat.

Chandler:I was trying to stop him, but these shoes have no traction!

Chandler:Richard wants to marry Monica!

Joey:Wait, Richard has a boat? I love boat shoes!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't fight him. The guy's like a hundred years old!

Chandler:So?

Joey:So? He'd kick your ass!

Joey:Hey, wait a minute. If I tie two of these coconut phones together, I could make a boat!

Monica:I don't know why I'm at your apartment.

Richard:I didn't ask for an explanation.

Richard:I'm going to turn around now, and when I do, I want you to know that my eyes will be closed.

Richard:I will keep them closed until you tell me you're completely inside and the door is shut.

Richard:Then I will open them, but only after counting to ten, so there's no possibility of any... awkwardness.

Monica:I'll have a...

Richard:Cosmopolitan. You always order a Cosmopolitan.

Monica:How did you remember that?

Richard:I remember everything about you, Monica.

Monica:Do you still smoke cigars?

Richard:Well, I prefer to think of it as appreciating a fine art form. A cigar isn't merely tobacco—it's a carefully crafted expression of culture and refinement.

Richard:It's not just extinguishing it, it's a deliberate artistic statement. The way the smoke dissipates into the air... it's like watching a Rothko fade into obscurity.

Richard:Do you ever think about me? Romantically?

Monica:Well, there was that one time...

Monica:But it was only because my gynecologist cancelled on me.

Monica:My eye doctor is amazing. He's so good, he can tell what you're thinking just by looking in your eyes.

Richard:That's nothing. My eye doctor once told me I was going to die three weeks before it happened.

Phoebe:You guys are like my relationship RAID array. Ross, you're the mirror drive. Joey, you're the backup drive.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how relationships work.

Phoebe:Oh please. If Mike crashes, I need redundancy. You're both just sitting there waiting to be restored.

Joey:Did she just call me a backup drive?

Phoebe:And before you ask, no, I don't have a tertiary. That's what Monica's for.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, okay. So you guys are fighting about who gets to be with me if one of you dies? That's so sweet. But I have to tell you, I've already made my decision.

Ross:What?

Joey:Who?

Phoebe:Well, I'm going with Chandler. He's better at spooning and he lets me pick the movie.

Phoebe:I have to choose between Ross and Joey as my backup husband? Well, Ross is a paleontologist with a child, so he's clearly experienced with parenting. But Joey has a boat!

Phoebe:Those are basically the same thing when you're picking a husband.

Phoebe:You guys, you can't switch to Rachel! She's my friend!

Ross:Phoebe, we're just trying to save money on rent.

Phoebe:Well, I'll make it worth your while. I promise you guys frequent sexual activity.

Joey:Really?

Phoebe:With each other!

Phoebe:What? I give great massages!

Phoebe:Okay, fine, I meant sex.

Phoebe:Okay, I'm picking a name... Brad Pitt.

Phoebe:Oh my God, it says 'Congratulations, you've won a lifetime supply of turtle wax.'

Ross:Well, this is awkward. I got matched with someone completely wrong for me.

Joey:Yeah, me too. This algorithm is terrible.

Ross:You know what? We should just switch.

Joey:Yeah, okay.

Monica:I need to be with someone more mature.

Richard:Well, I'm 21 years older than you.

Monica:Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don't want that!

Monica:This is so unfair! I can't believe this is happening to me!

Monica:This is so unfair! This is so unfair!

Monica:This is so unfair! This is so unfair! This is so unfair!

Monica:THIS IS SO UNFAIR! THIS IS SO UNFAIR! THIS IS SO UNFAIR! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!

Richard:Take as much time as you need to think about this.

Richard:How does next Tuesday sound?

Chandler:You told her you loved her?

Richard:Well, yeah.

Chandler:I can't believe Richard keeps interfering! Every time Monica tries to make a decision, he's there telling her what to do.

Chandler:You know what? At this point, I'm just grateful when Monica actually thinks for herself. That's like a positive outcome at this point.

Chandler:My plan was working fine until Richard came along. The guy's so tall and imposing, he makes a sequoia look like a bonsai!

Chandler:You know what? You're a good man. A really good man. And I hate you for it.

Monica:Okay, I'm going down on one knee. Here we go...

Monica:Oh God, my back. Why do men do this? This is awful!

Monica:And how am I supposed to get back up? Do I just... roll?

Joey:I just want to say, I always thought Chandler was unlikely to take a wife, and I was wrong.

Rachel:Zero percent jealous.

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait. Where's Joey?

Monica:He's on a date.

Rachel:What? He's missing our engagement party?

Chandler:It's not like he knew about it.

Rachel:Still! This is huge! We're all supposed to be here together!

Rachel:Where is Ross? He's missing the engagement celebration!

Chandler:Oh, he's probably at home practicing his vows. You know, so he can get them right this time. And the time after that. And the time after that.