Rachel Green

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?

I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry.

How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. I always knew he looked familiar, but..

Tuna or egg salad! Decide!

I'll have whatever Christina's having.

If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

All my life, everyone's always told me, 'You're a shoe!' 'You're a shoe!' What if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse? Or a hat?

Wait! I said maybe!

You probably think it's about making love with your socks on, but it isn't.

I'm divorced. - I'm only 26, and I'm divorced! - Shut up!

But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference.

Do the words, 'Billy, don't be a hero,' mean anything to you?

Oh, good. Lenny and Squiggy are here.

Well, it's like that. With feelings.

They're my 'I don't need a job.. I've got great boots' boots.

I know that. That's why I was getting married.

You probably didn't know this, but in high school.. I had a major crush on you. - I knew. - You did? - I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. - I did.

Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise, you're gonna find yourself... sitting at home listening to that album alone.

Ew, ew, ew. / What? / Ugly Naked Guy got a ThighMaster.

Hi, Barry, remember me? I'm the girl... that stomped on your heart in front of your entire family

Oh, but look how straight those noodles are.

Or, you know, hey, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring. And you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB-GYN.

I dumped him. / Okay.

Oh, no. You went on our honeymoon alone? / No. / I went with Mindy.

You got plugs. / Careful, careful. They haven't quite taken yet.

But you hate sticking your finger in your eye. / Not for her.

I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose.

Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.

Penis size measurement conversation with thumb and index finger

"Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping."

"I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone."

"Do you ever think that Alan is maybe sometimes-- What?" "I don't know. A little too Alan?"

My grandmother has a new boyfriend... and they're both kind of insecure in bed, so... And deaf.

They reassure each other that they're having a good time.

Look at the window! There's my name! Hi, me!

What's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?

Look at you! You're so big! I can't believe it! / I know, I know! I'm a duplex.

And you should... really, really... It's time to stop, you look perfect.

Sometimes Arturo lets me put the chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

And I'm getting coffee. And it's not even for me!

But, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow. I gave up an orthodontist.

Floopy? / Yeah. / We don't know where we're going. / It's all gonna come together and it's just gonna be un-floopy.

Yeah, like that's a word.

I mean, what if all we've got are beans?

Pheebs, who's George Snuffleupagus?

I think Joey's like a little kiddie ride. You just have to put the quarter in and it just goes.

Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Really? Well, at least big girls don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!

I've got magic beans.

That guy, he burns me up. Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home.

Yeah, I got the extended disco version with three choruses of: 'You'll never make it on your own.' [SINGS] Uh-huh, uh-huh

Oh, God, help us. What? Ugly Naked Guy is laying kitchen tile. BOTH: Ew!

Excuse me! I was kind of using that machine. Yeah, well, now you're kind of not.

I'm sorry. Is that your basket? Yes. It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds! What? No suds, no save, okay?

That was amazing! I can't even send back soup.

What's that? Überweiss. It's new. It's German. It's extra tough!

Okay. You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.

Okay, well, these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or with delicates? That would be a judgment call.

It's just that you left a red sock in with your whites, and now... everything's kind of pink. Everything's pink? Except for the red sock, which is still red.

God, I'm gonna look like a big Marshmallow Peep!

Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart. I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things.

Listen, Mitzi, if you want this cart... you're gonna have to take me with it!

Yes! Did you see that? You were incredible. A brand-new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play! What'd you think? ROSS: I didn't know you could dance! RACHEL: You were in a play!

Ta-da! Are we greeting each other this way now? I like that.

I used all the attachments on the vacuum except for that round one. I don't know what it's for. Nobody knows, and we're not supposed to ask.

Rachel's anxious monologue about who she'll meet in a blackout: 'Power-company guys? Eligible looters?'

Joey's turn: 'The women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.' Rachel asks: 'What were you doing in a library?' Phoebe's turn: 'Oh, um, Milwaukee.' Implying Phoebe's weirdest sexual experience is simply a location name.

Rachel's turn: She initially refuses, then admits: 'The weirdest place would have to be...the foot of the bed.' Monica says: 'Step back. We have a winner.' Chandler adds: 'I've never had a relationship with that kind of passion.'

Chandler's extended monologue about Rachel's lack of passion compared to Ross's Disneyland story. Rachel responds: 'Well, Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature-golf course.' Chandler: 'And you didn't marry him because...?'

Chandler reassures Rachel about her romantic future: 'I see...big passion in your future.' Rachel is touched: 'Ross, you're so great.' Ross's internal response: 'Ah. It's never gonna happen.'

Monica almost leaves the apartment to execute Ross's surprise birthday party plan. Joey stops her: 'You can't go out there. Because of, uh, the reason.' Monica asks what reason. Joey finally confesses: 'He's planning your birthday party.' Rachel hears and says 'Oh, my God. I love him.' Monica realizes Joey already told her, and Joey realizes nobody told him. Monica complains: 'I'm always the last to know everything.' She then lists examples: 'I was the last one to know when Chandler got bit by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last to know you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.' Rachel responds: 'What? Oh. Looks like I was second to last.'

The group finds a kitten and asks the neighbor (the Mellons) if it's theirs. The neighbor claims yes. Monica asks: 'He seems to hate you. Are you sure?' The neighbor: 'Yeah. It's my cat. Give me my cat.' Monica presses: 'Wait a minute. What's his name?' Neighbor: 'Um, Bob-- Buttons.' Rachel: 'Bob Buttons? Here, Bob Buttons.' The kitten reacts positively to Rachel but not the neighbor. Rachel: 'You are a very bad man. You owe me a cat.'

Monica explains Paolo's arrival: 'The cat turned out to be Paolo's cat. Isn't that funny?' Chandler responds sarcastically: 'That is funny. And Rachel keeps touching him.' Monica repeats the explanation, adding: 'And I'm guessing, since nobody told me, this is Paolo?' implying she's been left out of the loop again.

Paolo and Rachel interact while others observe. Monica asks: 'What'd he say that was so funny?' Rachel: 'I have absolutely no idea. That's classic.' Chandler: 'My God, you guys. What am I doing? This is so un-me. If you want, I'll do it. I know. I just wanna bite his bottom lip. But I won't.' Phoebe: 'God. The first time he smiled at me...those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.'

Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?

Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart! You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.

I hear what you're saying. I'm with you.

Does anybody need coffee? -Yeah, over here.

Only 98.50 to go!

Rach, are you gonna make it to Vail? -Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop.

Yeah, well, it was, but I... I broke a cup, so....

Forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

No. Here's your mail! -Thanks. You can put it on the table! -Would you just open it!

This isn't a yam. Yam comes in purple cans. They don't come in these.

Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop!

This is great. It's 5:00. My plane is pulling away from the gate.

Tomorrow is not Thanksgiving!

If not for your stupid balloon, I'd be on a plane... watching a woman do this... right now. But I'm not!

It's nice that he has someone.

-I'll be just as pathetic as you. -Yeah, you wish.

I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. By my sixth date with Paolo, he'd already named both my breasts.

Did I just share too much? Just a smidge.

You know more than one Fun Bobby? I happen to know a Fun Bob.

Where's Paolo? Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

And then your face exploded? No.

...when this woman, this blond planet with a pocketbook... starts yelling.

And I was blowing my attack whistle thingy... and three more cabs show up.

That looks okay, right? You went a bit wide on the lipstick. Oh, I did? Yeah. It's hard for me to tell. My eye's closing up.

I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So, I'm kissing everyone? No, you can't kiss Ross. That's your brother.

I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

Oh, my God! Don't look now. Behind you there's a guy who can break our hearts and plunge us into depression.

Come to mama.

We should do something. Whistle. / I'm not whistling.

I can't believe you did that.

It's so sad. It's like he's a deer, a female deer.

Oh, I was gonna stop.

Even sleeping he looks smart. Yeah, but the dents in his knuckles mean he's artistic.

And he can dance. And he's the kind of guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, not saying 'I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

I can't believe you said 'whoo-hoo.' I don't even say 'whoo-hoo.'

What are you guys doing here? He's not even wearing a jock strap.

I mean, when I'm with him, I'm just totally, totally...Nauseous. I'm physically nauseous.

Pig man. Yes, good. Okay. Oh, but he was my pig man.

Ross, you're so great. Oh, ha, ha.

You barge in here and you don't knock? You have no respect for privacy.

Could I have...? We're all out. Anybody else?

Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.

'Nice'? They were 'nice'? That's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice.'

Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?

Joey said I could use your shower since Chandler's in ours. Okay. Who are you? Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rapalono. The mistress?

Perfect. Fasten your seat belts, it's pee-pee time.

Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.

What's with you? I thought it was Chandler!

You were supposed to be in there so I'd see your thing!

Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Huh. Okay, Pheebs, if we had that... we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

A picture of Scotty Jared, naked. - Let me see. He's wearing a sweater. - No.

Wait. Isn't it almost pure...? [ALL SCREAM]

I'll even let you ring the bell. Wohoo!

Why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?

Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

And I'm maintaining my amateur status so I can waitress in the Olympics.

You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76.

I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.

In the cab on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie. Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone. Weed, hemp, ganja.

Well, someone was supposed to write: 'Rach, take down the lights,' and put it on the refrigera...

You don't even have cats. / I could have cats.

No, no, no. You wanted me to take them down... so I'm taking them down, okay?

Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely gonna want some of that.

That's insurance fraud. / Well, all right, then. Forget it. Might as well just go home.

Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? / Excuse me? / God, young, young. I meant young, heh.

They are doctors. Cute doctors. Doctors who are cute.

Every day you are becoming more and more like your mother.

I am so spoiled. / That's it.

I used to wet my bed. / I use my breasts to get other people's attention. / We both do that.

Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.

His father tried to put you out of business. You are dead.

...and buses going really fast!

Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?

A little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that.

Those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

We thought we had a monkey, but we didn't. -Turned out it was a hat. -Cat!

You want me to break my foot too? I'll break it right now.

...you shot my friend with a dart!

Oh, right.

Now, she used to be a man. Look, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying.

Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?

Sorry, Barry. A little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that.

Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? I don't know. The left one! Which ones? Those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.

Rachel lost Marcel. Oh, no! How? -He pooped in my shoe. -Which one? The cute black ones I always wear. No, which one? The right or left? Because the left one is lucky.

You stay here and wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you. Does anybody want to trade?

You know, that was a complete misunderstanding. We thought we had a monkey, but we didn't. -Turned out it was a hat. -Cat!

You want me to break my foot too? I'll break it right now. Oh, my God! There, are you happy now? Yeah, now that you kicked the sign... ...I don't miss Marcel anymore!

It's not like I did this on purpose. No, this is just vintage Rachel. Things just sort of happen around you! You're off in 'Rachel Land,' doing your 'Rachel Thing'... ...oblivious to people's monkeys or to people's feelings and...

All right, I want my monkey! -Oh, come on, Luisa. -Sorry, prom queen. You had to be a bitch in school, instead of fat.

In high school, I was prom queen... ...and the homecoming queen and you... ...were also there.

Heckles! Can I have this? For the most part.

All right. Then I'll call your supervisor and tell her... ...you shot my friend with a dart!

The neighbors must be vacuuming.

I had that chicken, where you poke it and butter squirts out.

I had a bra.

Oh, do I?

I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?

It's nothing like me and Carol. If she said to you, 'Ross, I want you on this couch... right here, right now,' what would you say?

Now, you know, I'm, like, the other woman. I feel so... Naughty.

It is. It is. It is.

You are so stupid. We are both so stupid.

Smell familiar?

She said you looked pretty that day in the green dress. The green dress? Really? She said you looked like Ingrid Bergman.

She wants to know why you tie the towel around your head. It's a leave-in conditioner, okay?

We are here to break up with you. Both of you?

Which one of us are you talking to there?

The first time didn't really count. You know, it was Barry.

What is it with you and Aruba? Do you have a deal with the airlines?

Okay, and we'll be here, hating you.

If I'm hogging the ball, you jump right in there... and take some punches. This feels great.

Mindy, the guy is the devil. He is Satan in a smock.

And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.

So did you shave your legs? - Yeah. - Uh-huh.

And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?

Ross? - I'm here.

What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there.

I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate. I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician.

Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors? Is, like, your father a doctor? Yeah. Why?

It's hard enough to get women to go out with me. Heh. Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.

Ahem. Yeah. Gotcha.

Susan, he looks just like you.

What did you just say?

No, it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.

-What about time difference? -From here to the airport?

Well, it's the thought.

-Come on up. -Behind my brother's back?

No, he's a banker with opera tickets.

Rachel frantically rushing through airport saying 'Emergency, please!' to get to Ross

Rachel bleeding from her rush to airport, trying to play it cool: 'Enough about me, Mr. Back From The Orient!'

Rachel giving flowers meant for Ross to Julie: 'Welcome to our country.' / Julie: 'I'm from New York.'

Rachel's recovery: 'Not a problem. We'll use them to stop the bleeding.'

Rachel: 'Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?'

Rachel's follow-up: 'It's an expression.'

Ross asking for coffee, Rachel: 'Did you talk to him yet?' Chandler: 'No.' Rachel: 'Then, no.'

Rachel bringing wrong drink, insisting Ross return lemonade he didn't order to avoid charges

Monica: 'I'm pathetic, I'm a loser.' / Rachel: 'Honey, you're not pathetic. You're just sad.'

Ugh, what a bitch.

That is excellent. What's with you? Who did you have lunch with?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?

But now she's actually stealing you!

Well...you're not totally paranoid.

And God, I hate it when she's right.

What a manipulative bitch.

We won! / Mr. Heckles.

He hated us! This was his final revenge! / Ever seen so much crap! Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.

You don't have any stuff. / You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

I was putting on my jacket and the thing and the lamp and it broke.

Is it because she's so cold in bed?

Or because she's kind of bossy, makes it feel like school?

there is nothing sexier... than a man who does not want to have sex.

That just means it's working.

More than jewelry.

well then, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

Really sort of soft at first. And then maybe brush the hair away from my face.

And then it's just happening.

Oh, God!

What is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something repellent about me?

I've put on a little weight?

Ooh, can't make hands meet!

He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.

That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really long time

With a man. Ahem, okay. You guys have a really, uh, good night and you two have a, uh, really good cat. Heh.

We're not supposed to take these when we leave

How long do cats live? Figuring you don't throw them under a bus or something?

Yeah, he wishes

So... Did you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?

Why can't they get one of those bugs? One of those fruit flies. Those things that live for a day. What are they called? What are they called? Fruit flies? Yes! Thank you.

But only because I've been playing the movie Diner in my head

God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?

Who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And you see there, I'm thinking of names so obviously I am over you.

Um, I think there was a restaurant. I know there was wine.

I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I don't remember

Rach, I got a message from you! Who's Michael? Oh, my God. God, Ross, no! Hang up the phone. Give me the phone! Give me the phone! Give me the phone! Give me the...

You had feelings for me first. Whoa, huh. You know about my...? You know I had...? You know?

I'm gonna stand... and I'm gonna walk. I'm walking and I am standing.

I've got a cab. I've got a girlfriend. I'm gonna go get a cat. Okay. Okay. Cat!

There was one Italian guy, okay? And do you have a point?

I don't need your stupid ship! Good! Good! And you know what? Now I got closure!

Hi, I'm Julie. Ross picked me. We'll get married and have lots of kids and dig up stuff together!

He's going to get my coat. He's going to get my coat, Joey!

You're the worst writer in the world!

I do not have chubby ankles!

She's not Rachem? What the hell's a Rachem?

That doesn't mean, 'Climb up the fire escape.'

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world... not only thinks them too... but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

See, I'd never make a list.

Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighing me down.

Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone cares. / We're broke, but cookies do say that.

Monica, pigeons learn faster than you.

And you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

Yes, it's hot enough to bake cookies.

Here's a theme: 'Come on in, live like bacon!'

He's playing baseball. / You mean hardball? / Whatever.

Nice seizing... gel boy.

Wiper blades! / I don't even have a car. / No, but with this new-car smell, you'll think you do!

I got boned at the Museum of Natural History mug.

Whoa. Oh.

Oh, well, too late, you already had some.

Okay, okay, don't get all squinky.

He's probably always been dull. You just, you know... set it free.

[IN UNISON] Yes!

They love each other. They wanna celebrate that love with the people close to them. If you wanna call that a reason.

I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. And this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? I guess that's the fun.

If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink. Believe me, sometimes that happens.

Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick. What? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.

When I was little, all parents got divorced. I figured as an adult, I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Remember when he'd borrow your hat... and when you got it back, there'd be monkey raisins in it?

He's not Drake. He's... Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!

And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!

He could hear me.

Tell him I cook!

Did you just flick me?

Quit flicking! Stop flicking! You flicked me first!

Saving me from a pleasant conversation with an interesting man?

Except that what?

I can't believe you did that.

Sun shining, birds chirping... Really? Mine too... Hey, cool! Mine too!

What if we have to pee? / I'll cancel the sodas.

Well, it's not. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you. You know, it's us. We're crossing that line.

Come on, touch my butt. Just one cheek... The moment's gone. I'll back up into your hands... Oh, come on! Would you just grab my ass?

Well, maybe he was nervous.

Why don't they just give him a microwave? / Clearly, they don't have a place to plug in.

We're not alone.

What's 1922? Just, you know, a long time ago. When men used to tell women what to do a lot.

Then there was suffrage, which was a good thing. But it sounds horrible.

And did you know they do this with needles?

This is a tattoo of the Earth as seen from a great, great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

Or, you know, he's rubber and you're glue.

Did she leave a number? / Did you see me write one down? / I don't have her number, butt-munch.

Look, I refuse to get sucked into this weird little Geller dimension thing, okay?

It is nothing like The Hobbit.

Sorry. Damn it!

You totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power. And his puppet too!

Only because you took up half the circle!

I don't have a pot. Maybe I've got one at home. Or in Scarsdale. Hey, is that a door?

The guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kind of see it coming?

You've planned out the next 20 years. We've dated for six weeks!

No, my Uncle Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just bring it out in him.

Honey, you really need a job.

Ah.

No mayo. No, because mayo, that would make it gross.

The dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?

Do you say this stuff to girls?

Uh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.

MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. My motto is, 'Get out before they go down.' That is so not my motto.

Nobody does, honey.

It's a testament to what a girl from Long Island will do for a Celica.

Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them.

Now, you can exchange them if you want, okay? Now I love you even more.

Really? No, I knew.

Both of them are here? Both of them? Both of them are here?

Yeah, like a chimney. Big smoker. Big, big smoker.

She gets the house, he's in a condo my sister will decorate with wicker.

It never occurred to anybody to bring another one.

Heads up! Wow! Those things almost never come true.

Forget it. - Yeah, right.

I'll do it. I've kissed him before. I can do it again.

Good. Very good. Firm, but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.

looking like something you drink when you're nauseous.

Stop it. You're freaking me out. ... Yeah. I don't like you this way.

Are you the cutest? - I'm afraid I might just be.

in the bathroom, I saw the window I crawled out of at my wedding.

Why didn't you tell me? - What could I do? Stand up and shout, 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'

when I was in eighth grade... and I had to sing the 'Copacabana' in front of the entire school. Two lines into it, I ran and freaked out.

Ross, would you stop! You got me. I'm dating you.

You told me you didn't see anything. - I tell you a lot of things.

After you ran out on your wedding... Barry's parents told people you were sort of... insane. - Insane? - From the syphilis.

Tall and tan, and young and lovely... Okay, one more, please. I'm gonna get it in this time.

I promised myself I'd make it through at least one of your weddings.

Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl... With yellow feathers in her hair And a dress cut down to there...

You remember not having sex in high school, right? Yeah.

If you tell me, I might do it.

Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me?

Do you tell people about the Night of Five Times?

And that takes, what? Just 6 or 7 minutes? / Yeah. Once I figure out what I'm wearing.

How could it not be breezy? No. Because you're in such a breezy place.

You can't say you're 'breezy.' That negates the 'breezy.'

Yeah, which, by the way, Chandler, I would like back one of these days.

You could drink the fat.

Oh, and by the way... What? I'm going commando too.

Here it is. What are you doing? I'm sorry. It just felt nice.

And that's bad... because you hate chicken piccata?

You didn't want to share your tomatoes. Tomatoes are very important to you.

We save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.

Oh, honey, you're not a total loser.

Yes! And grumpy! What are you? Stop naming dwarfs!

He's so lucky. If Janice were a guy... she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.

No. But he told me he thinks you're a fox

Spider-Man? / Hardy Boy. / Peter Parker. / Thank you.

You do realize she only spins like that on ice?

You know what, honey? You go ahead. We'll call her an alternate

What? Excuse me, there was no time.

How hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?

Isn't it exciting? I mean, it's like having a boyfriend for life! Heh!

I really think I need to just have... some meaningless sex, you know? With the next guy I see.

Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball. Yeah, so? And now I've picked it up again.

You missed the exit. Oh! Sorry. My God, what were you thinking about? Ahem, um... Barry.

RACHEL: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint, I can pretend he's Alan Alda.

All right. Well, not exactly like I do. But if you do come to dinner... I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.

You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. I know.

Not at these prices.

Which bedroom do you want it in, Ms. Geller? Oh. It's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay?

He only tipped, like, 4 percent. Yeah. Ahem, that's Daddy.

But, you know, if he was a regular at the coffee house... I'd be serving him sneezers.

He's Bobby Bobby? Ahem. It's Robert Bobby.

My right leg is two inches shorter. Come on, you're just tilting.

Why don't you tell him about the mole I haven't gotten checked?

See, that is the problem with invisible dentists. It's very unsettling to see all those metal tools just flying around.

[Baby Ben hits his head - physical comedy moment]

Nothing, because we're not telling him. / We're not? / No. / All right, I like that.

Oh, my God! Well, push it in! Push it in! / I cannot push it in!

A hat! Yes! We need a hat! Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?

I'll get Rainy Day Bear! / Because he'll know what to do? / Oh, my God. You're a genius!

Monica bang! Everybody bang! Ben bang! Rachel bang! Bang, Rachel! Bang!

No offense, but I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy-headed child.

I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!

No, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.

That almost hit me in the face!

I'm your best friend. Sweetie, don't worry, you'll get picked.

You don't pick me. You're stuck with me!

Isn't there a 'national football league'? Yes, there is. They play on Sundays and Monday nights. Oh, shoot! I work Monday nights.

Oh, sure. Do you need me to train somebody new? / Ha-ha-ha. Good one. Actually, uh, Terry wants you to take the training again.

Rachel scoffs and shows disbelief at having to retrain

Gunther, Gunther, please. I have worked here for two and a half years. I know the empty trays go over there. / What if you put them here?

You know what? You should have the other waitresses do that too. / They already do. / That's why they call it 'the tray spot.'

I always heard them talk about that. I just thought it was a club they went to.

Well, I'm also sending out...good thoughts.

How come you're still at a job you hate? Why don't you quit and get The Fear? / [BOTH LAUGH] Because I'm too afraid.

I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf. I don't care where the tray spot is. I just don't care. This is not what I wanna do. So I don't think I should do it anymore.

Well, you sure used a large font. / Uh, yeah. Well, 'Waitress at a Coffeehouse'...and 'Cheer Squad Co-captain' only took up so much room.

You and your stupid Fear. I hate your Fear. I would like to take you and your Fear... / Hey. I got great news. / Run, Joey. Run for your life.

Last night she was...teaching everybody how to make napkins into...[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] ...swans.

Oh! God bless us, every one.

I'm not suppose to drink coffee. It makes me gassy. I know.

Do you want my pickle?

I was wearing my 'I Heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my bell.

Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him. But, you know, that's true of any job.

He had to help his niece with her report on the pioneers. That is so made up!

Please want the one with the turtles. - No, turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

Is this a lunch box? - No, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.

Oh, my God! What did I just do? I think I just shipped 3000 bras to Personnel! - Honey, I gotta go! Mark, I need you!

It's a Love Bug. - Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.

You might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

Wait, I've got something for you. - Mark. - It's okay. Rachel knows. - Yeah, but even so.

I mean, doesn't she, you know, have any other stripper-mom friends of her own?

Oh, no. Chandler, please don't. No, I beg of you to not...

There's no such thing as an 'innocent burger'.

You might want to make extra, because you'll be hungry after the sex.

But you're safe from it if it's in the freezer? / Well, safer.

Jo's a girl. It's short for Josephine. / But Jo's got a crush on Laurie.

All 'blank' and no 'blank' makes 'blank' a 'blank-blank'.

Mine was by accident!

Because I wanted to hurt you.

You wanna put the book in the freezer?

A bunch of out-of-control jackets take over an island!

My God. What are you doing here? / Well, you said you couldn't go out, so... / You brought a picnic. Ugh. What a boyfriend. That's it. On Monday, I start wearing makeup.

Heh. Pepper? / None for me. / Okay, sorry. Whoo.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.

You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work unless maybe they were a park ranger.

I told him he treats me like a park ranger, something, ugh...

What do you want to drink? Who's that? Nobody. Is that Mark?

Nice. No, we kind of broke up instead.

My God, Monica! It's on the ceiling! That's okay. This is more important than fruit on my ceiling.

Oh, my God, they should call it 'Pain-zine, now with a little wax.'

That's because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid.

Now aren't you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?

Okay. All right. How was she? What? Was she good? Don't answer that.

She was different. Good different? Nobody likes change.

You sure had a hell of a time at the wake.

I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.

No anchovies. With extra anchovies. That's okay. I'll pick them off. And could you please chop some up and just put it right in the sauce?

You can have the last piece if you want. Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.

Really? Because mine get me out of tickets.

So if your parents hadn't divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?

No, mine are deceptively small. I mean, I actually sometimes stuff my bra. / Well, then your bra would still be big. / No, I stuff outside the bra.

Can you just send someone up and down 76 and check every rest stop? And also 93? / No, they don't do that.

We will just have to live here. / But it's so cold. / No. I won't get in a car with him.

That's 'help' spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air. / What's 'dufus' spelled backwards?

I'm sorry. Were you speaking to me, or sleeping with someone else?

Why don't you just put that on your answering machine?

Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop. It's still a gift. I got it from the gift shop.

You are a petty man. You are a petty, petty... Petty... petty, petty... small... small...

You haven't worn that since you were 15. It doesn't even fit you anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That way, if one of them is missing, she can be like, 'Where's number 27?'

Although I did sit down where there wasn't a chair.

Nothing. He's just goofy like that. I actually hardly notice it anymore.

'Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why, why? I don't understand! He said he'd call. Why?' I'm telling you, she's flipped out! She's gone crazy!

Rachel crashes on roller skates while carrying cocoa

Oh, my God! Who's gonna watch that?

But, Mon, that was totally different. He was your health teacher.

I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders.

What were you gonna tell us? Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

So I guess that's about two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.

Hi, I'm Rachel. It's nice to meet you.

Since when do you think I don't wear enough of this?

Sophisticated like a hooker?

Sure. I'll just sit next to the transsexual from purchasing.

Oh, Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy. -Oh, l'm sorry. This is Cailin. Cailin-- -Sorry. -And break!

Tommy's in line for the bathroom and someone just cut. l think he's gonna snap.

l don't know. Could be because l don't feel like waiting all night for a guy who may or may not scream. -He definitely will scream.

What is in the cup? -Okay, it's coffee. -lced coffee? Tell me it's iced coffee. -lt's hot-- -Hot coffee! You idiot! You gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh? What are you? Just a big, stupid doofy idiot with a doofy idiot hairdo?

Okay, well, it's definite. Two more weeks of winter.

Oh, no, no, no. I meant Chandler.

I mean, it'll be dry, but people will like it.

Sorry. I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.

Well, for clubbing.

So what were you gonna tell us? I have no idea.

Oh, keep your name. Don't take his name! Then definitely don't take his name!

You can bite and pull people's hair and stuff? Anything goes except eye-gouging and fish-hooking.

Average height, medium build, bald... Oh!

That girl has got hair all over her head!

You owe me one bald girl!

Which one of you has the gun to my head?

You still love me? - No.

'Thanks a million.' 'Oh, you're welcome a million.'

Ross and Rachel's simultaneous 'Oh, my God' / 'I know' reaction beat

'Can't you just tell her you're not in the mood?' 'No, she likes that.'

Ross oversharing about morning encounters with Bonnie

'Why am I telling you?' 'I don't know.'

'It wasn't every morning...' 'Oh, making it worse.'

Ross's non-answer: 'Does it?' leading to extended confusion

Everyone's awkward reactions returning from the beach - 'Nothing' repeated

'It so does not' - Rachel's private contradiction

'You peed on yourself?' reactions

'My mom never thought this would work out. She was all: Once a cheater, always a cheater'

'You had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!'

'Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means you are. Y-O-U-R means your'

'Those spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica'

'I knew it!'

You're so lucky! He's like the most popular guy in school!

I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy.

I couldn't find him for hours! He was having sex with Amy Welsh!

Oh, yeah, you're right, Moni-cow.

They had that specially made?

If possible, could you leave him and have sex with another guy?

Oh, no. I'm paddling away.

Last time you went out with her you said she was a dud! I judged her too quickly. This time, we took it to the next level.

Sorry. I knew what he meant.

I'll clean your bathroom for a month. Still won't be clean.

I can be very generous...or very stingy.

I can make you this generation's Milton Berle. And Milton Berle has... Not compared to you.

I love you. What's going on? No, he doesn't!

I know, but the garbage was full. Have you ever taken out the trash?

Well, I thought you liked doing it.

He said really mean things that were only partly true.

This is so sweet. Joey, our little twinkletoes.

You mean, music?

You guys. You suck too.

The necklace I got you was gold. This is silver. Well, maybe...it changed.

Isn't it better to exchange it for something I enjoy...and can use a lot? What did you get? Credit.

Fancy soap? I thought we were saving that for the pope.

Do you want a relationship where you can actually say: 'That's not how your dad used to do it'?

Nothing's the matter with me. I'm not completely devoid of sentiment. I have feelings.

Maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter.

It did brighten up the filing cabinets.

I'm going to have walls!

Yes. So close!

Nothing about an assistant buyer?

I want somebody!

You know, I want a man!

Let me tell you, it's been a long time since I've been flung.

And Ross was what? A lion tamer?

What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel: Bagel, mail, jail, bail, cable.

You work with robots?

Now, wait a second. You make food and robots?

Like father, like son.

You telling him I want a fling and me putting out... he's so going to get the wrong idea!

What is the matter with you? There is no good time to ask that question.

Are you serious? You're thinking of having sex with your brother?

What the hell is that? Is that you? [ROOSTER CROWS]

Boy, you're really not a morning person. - Just back off!

Well, I've been up since 6... thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster.

You're good. These are not.

Viva Las Gaygas.

Look at my hand. Why, do you have the answers written on there? No. Steady as a rock.

Fourteen? - No, 19. Thanks, man.

Oh! Oh! He's a transponster. That's not even a word!

This is a girl's apartment. That is a boy's apartment. It's dirty and it smells.

And now I have got the steady hand.

You know what? You are mean boys who are just being mean.

[Both screaming at something in drawer]

But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die.

I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong, and she didn't even buy it.

You needed to speak to me? No, no, that wasn't me.

Let me show you my underwear. The selection of underwear that we carry.

I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over, and I got to dress him up all day!

I wish he was a doll. I'd get a Rachel doll and bump them together... ...and make kissing noises.

He's got the most beautiful name. I never realized. Joshua. Joshua. Josh.

How does Jason look in a V-neck? -It's Joshua. -Whatever.

That's such a turn-on. Really? It doesn't seem desperate? That's the turn-on.

You've never asked a guy out? No. Have you? Thousands of times!

Oh, please! Hey. How you doing?

Well, let's see. This license belongs to... ...belongs to a Mr. Pheebs.

-You've done that a thousand times? -I've never done that.

'Who likes the Knick?'

He didn't turn me down. He's at the game. I got the date. I'm just not on it.

I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes. I just wanted to see you again.

You're into hard-core S & M, right? -Well, I guess. -I'm kidding.

You can't see people through that hole, can you?

There is no Rachel Greep. But this girl overheard us. And she said, 'I'm Rachel Greep!' And he let her in.

This big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella so I clocked her.

Could you, just for once, not remember every little thing?

Don't let me leave without the name of that carpet guy.

It's Joshua. He doesn't like 'Josh'? No, I don't.

I bet I stopped listening before you did. You know, you also could have used lamps... ...and then followed the light. Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay?

It's coming from Joey. Oh, my God. That's so freaky. Turn him off.

He asked you out? - No. But I was showing him some cuff links, and I felt his pulse. Saucy.

What are these? Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they'd brighten up the place. They do, don't you think?

[GASPS] But it didn't. - Say hello to Mrs. Catrokis. RACHEL: Oh, my God. WOMAN: Hello, darling.

Joshua, give me a call sometime. Guys like you... never go out of style.

Why not? / Well, because... we get a lot of... / They ruin it for everybody.

Congratulations. So do you love her?

What was that? / Just an anti-theft device. / Then what's this? / You need that too, because a thief could just tear this up.

Quick! He's looking. Say something funny. / Like what? / What's so funny? / I said, 'Like what?' / Now that's a thinker.

Care for a cherry? / No, thanks. / I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.

Actually, American surprise parties are very short. It's usually, 'Surprise!' Then, 'My God, I'm so surprised. Bye!'

You changed? / I decided I needed my lucky dress. / Lucky means more cleavage? / It does for me.

This scene in Footloose- / Flashdance. / Yeah. With that plumber girl? / A welder.

Were you, like, in the movie?

You can't leave yet. You have to stay. We've got the whole big thing planned. / What big thing? / Spin-the-bottle works like this: I spin the bottle.

Oh, my God! Have you lost your mind? / I am finally thinking clearly.

My lucky dress wasn't working out too well for me. But for four years, this baby never missed.

Give me an 'E'! Give me an 'M'! Give me an 'I'! Give me an 'L'! Give me a 'Y'! What do you get? Emily! Emily!

That's me as a cheerleader!

I loosened a tooth. It's no big deal. I have a dentist.

What do I do now? / I think you're done. / Time to take off the bra.

This used to be my bedroom. A lot of memories in here. Lot of memories.

If these walls could talk, they'd say: 'Want to hear some memories?'

God! Forget it!

But- / No 'but.' 'But' is never good. Let's leave it at 'l like you and you like me.' / Okay. However- / No, that's a fancy 'but.'

If it makes you feel any better, I made a fool of myself. / Helps a little.

Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? / Have a seat.

And you're sitting here in a hallway... with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

What photo album was it? / I don't know. It was you and a bunch of albino kids.

I love that 'but.'

To find out if he really thinks models are too skinny.

I really get crabby when I cook.

Behind you. They used to live here, and sometimes they migrate back over.

They're across the hall. That's two doors away. It'll take them a long time to peck their way back over here.

They can smell the fear.

None of the other kids believed me, but I swear that duck pushed me.

Oh, my God! I know. I can do more than cook.

I work in fashion. And this is a real dress, actually. They're wearing it in Milan. Part of my job is to wear the clothes and see how people respond.

Obviously, in this case... I am going to report back: 'U.S.A. Not ready.'

I jumped up and my boob popped out. It's all right. I got nice boobs.

This is so fun!

I hate that singing guy! Are you kidding? I love that guy!

You don't even have a bed. You sleep in a ball on the floor!

It's a great apartment! Shut up! This place is a hole!

Same question. They're tall. Three points!

If you had just done that after the last contest...no one would have had to move at all.

Gunther offers unwanted advice: 'You don't need to fill these silences.' Character awkwardly thanks him.

Ross patronizingly tells Rachel 'You just hang in there' about finding love

Rachel declares her relationship with Joshua 'kind of like it's a tie' with Ross and Emily

Rachel mutters 'You hang in there' mockingly after Ross leaves

Rachel fully commits to wedding dress fantasy: 'I am, aren't I?' when called beautiful bride

Rachel suggests she and Joshua aren't 'crazy enough' as relationship improvement

Rachel's impulsive marriage proposal: 'What if we got married?'

Rachel's self-aware outburst: 'You idiot!' after Joshua leaves

Rachel's confession to Joshua's answering machine about not being crazy

Rachel's explanation for Joshua breakup: 'Apparently, he scares easy'

Rachel's declaration: 'I got my girls' when Ross offers comfort

I knew. / You did? / I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. / I did.

Actually, it's not so much a question. It's more of a general wondering-ment

Listen, missy! If you want this cart, you'll have to take me with it!

I don't need your stupid ship!

Don't answer! / You wanted to talk about it. How was she?

Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

and your cat

And your license expired

That was the 10th time I've peed since I've been here. It's also, like, the 10th time you've told us. Ha, ha.

So, uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? I haven't really had any yet.

Little Village People.

Oh, my God, we are throwing the most depressing baby shower.

Well, how is this like that? Well, let's see. It's not really like that. Because, you see, that was an actual problem.

You know what? It's okay. I'm gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets.

The Bible? I don't know!

Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool.

Oh, God! Do you need a hug? You don't have to bring me anything.

Okay, I have a wedgie. That is all you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If I was still in love with some— Still in love with? I'm not in love with Ross.

I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him. Oh, my God!

What? Oh, please, she's always got a broom in her hand.

Manhattan doesn't have enough stores.

His hair never bothered me that much. It was more crunchy than it was greasy.

Well, I like you less.

I'll get it. Pheebs, it's Joey. Hey, Joey! I saw someone that looks just like you on the subway. I was going to say hi, then I figured he doesn't care he looks like you.

Two pizzas? -Gotta go! Talk to you later. -Wait! Where did you get it from?

No, it's not over until someone says, 'I do.' I do! I do!

How about five? Thank you.

And I have a 20.

Well, I've never done that with you before.

This is a terrible, terrible plan. -But he has to know how I feel. -But why?

I just came to...I just needed to tell you...congratulations.

The last-minute fare on this ticket is $2700. Ugh. I don't have enough left on my credit card. You can split it with another card. Okay, how about five?

I don't have it, but I can tell you where it is on my nightstand. You know what? I have my driver's license. And I have a 20.

It's just, I'm, uh, kind of excited. I'm, um, going to London to, uh, tell this guy that I love him.

I just came to... I just needed to tell you...congratulations.

Rachel's 'circus freak' analogy: 'If you'd seen a circus freak, you would've said: I take thee Circus Freak'

Rachel's obsessed rambling about Ross saying her name meaning he still loves her

Rachel's sudden 'I get it!' realization at the airport

Rachel's airplane panic: 'Hey, are we moving? Why are we moving? Does the captain know we're moving?'

Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! There was a nice hotel, nice beach, met the nice people.

People came up to me going, 'Mrs. Geller! Why are you cry?'

London is stupid! Stupid!

I dropped some socks.

Well, you're fired. / You can't fire me. I make your decisions, and I say I'm not fired! Ha!

Once at work... I thought carbon dating is fossilized... I'm really trying to tell you something here.

What? Was that a joke? Because it's mean.

Because I just heard it! I heard it! And it's ridiculous! I mean... You're married! You're married, and it's just ridiculous!

When I said it, I sort of floated up out of my body. And then I heard myself say it, and then the floating Rachel... I was like, 'You are such an idiot!'

That's what I said!

Just goofing around.

Don't do the dance. Right.

Since when do you take naps in that position?

That cute waiter guy that looks like a nonthreatening Ray Liotta?

Looks like Stella's gonna get her groove back tonight!

Oh, my God! Our dog died!

It says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for... nineteen blocks!

Oh, not again. This happened when my grandfather died.

I know, it's ridiculous. I can't see you, either. All right.

Well, Davey's still pining after LaPooh... but, you know, he's a tough little turtle.

Lucky me! Oh, my God! That is good news, Ross! That's the best news I've heard since LaPooh died!

Yeah? Well, that's how mad I am!

Oh, my God! It's happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.

I just assumed Phoebe would be the one to go. You live far away, you're not related. You lift right out.

First, I'd have said the right name at my wedding.

Fog him! Fog him!

Yeah, I pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass.

Ugh, please. We did not fog Danny.

You know, you always stick up for the people we fog.

I don't think that we can accept your acceptance of our apology. It just doesn't really seem like you mean it.

Really. What is with that guy? I mean, you'd forgive me if I fogged you. Well, you did, a little bit.

Not nature. Fashion.

You know, I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here. Do you? Well, you know, if kids like to play with capri pants.

And stop saying that. I hate that. Okay.

And then nothing.

Blew up in his face, didn't it?

So he won't invite you to his party because he likes you? Exactly! Then why didn't he invite me? To throw me off.

It's a regatta gala. Do you sail? No, but I support it.

So the ball is in his court? Ball? No, there's no ball.

What kind of a regatta gala starts at night? The fake kind.

I don't need this, I'm coming from a regatta gala.

You can just drop the act. I know what's going on. You're Danny's wingman, right?

He just keeps lobbing them up... and I keep knocking them right out of the park.

Monica, can you just call it sex? It really creeps me out when you call it that.

And by the way... while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his 'tenderness.'

Believe me.

And Chip promised that this time it'd last at least for an entire song.

First of all, if you keep calling it that, no one will take it.

Like this dish towel. This feels so good against my cheek.

...with a less painful final exam.

Sorry I'm late, but I left late.

I started it, but then there was this pep rally. And I was on top of the pyramid.

Symbolism!

You completely stole my answer!

I think that yours is a question with many possible answers. Would you care to venture one?

Well, feminism, yes. But also the robots.

He's coming over. Pretend we've forgotten who he is. / Hey, guys. / Hey, Danny.

You meddled in our relationship! / You had no relationship!

She was kind of stupid.

I thought I heard you. / Hey, great, you're up. / Rachel, my sister Krista. / Nice to meet you. / I wish you'd warned me. I'd have fixed myself up. / Like it would help. / You are so bad. / You are. / You are. / You are! / You are so dead. / I'm gonna get you. Come here!

Okay, you know what? Actually, that helps a lot. Thanks.

Oh, my God! / That was unbelievable. / See? I told you. / Yeah. Sorry. / I don't believe they're brother and sister. / They're brother and sister?! / I guess you'll have to cancel your date. And call their mother.

You and your sister seem to have a very special bond— / Oh, great. That 'special bond' again.

No, I have two sisters. But one has a very masculine energy.

God, Tiffany, you smell so great. / It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?

Joey, you are sick. / This is disgusting. I'm not reading this. / Wait, wait, wait! The handsome man was about to enter!

Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.

You know, kind of like a public service. Doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Koppel a gossip?

Well, they were like this. [demonstrates with hands]

All right, let's just say I found out something about someone... and let's just say... she's gonna keep it.

Ooh, you know, they had some... with fringe all down the sides.

Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom... and getting that book back that he borrowed from me?

What's the thing you know? / You tell me what you know. / I can't tell you. / Then I can't.

Chandler and Monica? Oh, this is unbelievable. / How long have you known? / Too long. Oh, my God.

Okay, good luck with that.

If there was, I wouldn't tell you.

Oh, out! God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there.

In high school, I made out with James even though I knew that you liked him.

You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big.

She keeps lying to me. That's it! I'm gonna go over there and I'm confronting them right now.

I actually came over here to borrow this lamp... to, um, look at my books. You know, see them a little better.

What a great way to make some extra pocket money.

Please, take those off!

It's not a purse. It's a shoulder bag. - It looks like a woman's purse. - No. Trust me, all the men are carrying them in the spring catalog.

Exactly. Unisex! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

No, Joey. U-N-I sex.

I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.

Aah! Aah! Aah! Chandler and Monica. Chandler and Monica. Oh, my God. Oh, my eyes! My eyes!

Nothing. Oh, God, we're just so excited that you might get this apartment.

Uh-huh. Doing it, doing it, phone doing it.

Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.

You don't have any secrets. Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal.

[Rachel dumps a huge bag of laundry] You don't mind, do you? That would really help me out a lot. Thanks.

A basket of mini muffins. There's a whole table of mini muffin baskets. Which one did you send? The small one.

Like if I wanted something from Joey... I would strike up a conversation about, say, um, sandwiches... or, uh, my underwear.

So he likes to break stuff.

She is so cute. You could fit her in your pocket.

But what? / She keeps punching me.

She's hurting me. / I know what you need. You need a bodyguard. / What is Ben doing after preschool?

Joey is having a problem. A little girl is beating him up.

And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.

Not unless different means 'the same.'

...I think you're the one that is too much.

[Katie kicks Rachel - physical comedy beat]

Do something or I'll walk out that door right now. / Are you going to?

What a bad idea. / I can't not look at it.

This is fun! / Remember that 'we were on a break' thing? / I'm sorry. Will you marry me?

Hey, how about maroon? Yes! You are so smart!

What's that doing here? I don't see any doughnuts.

Come here to me. What? You say that to kids? The 'Come here to me' is, you know, for the ladies.

Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, it's not a magic couch.

You kept count? You are such a loser!

It's true. I saw it on Dateline. Jane Pauley is the one woman I would kiss.

Left. Left. Okay, you know what? There's no more left left.

Friends first? That's interesting. You become friends after? No, never done that either.

Think I'll get me one of those. What's up, Joe? I saw you first, so...

Certainly think a lot of yourself.

I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

What did you mean when you said 'pivot'?

Okay, you know where you are better than I do.

God, I woke the beast.

Well, yeah, if you've got enough life jackets.

You could have tried not kissing him. Thanks, Chandler.

Let's bring back the girl who kisses everybody!

She's back! Hot girl's back! Well, I'm not totally back yet. But I appreciate it.

I do not want this job that bad. Good day, sir.

When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity.

So there you go! You got courage, you got integrity, you got courage again, and not litigious.

I did not mean to touch that! I mean, you! There!

I don't know if I'd feel comfortable stealing on my very first day.

About ghosts and goblins... who totally supported the princess' right to smoke.

who do you think she'll pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

You know what I mean? Doobies?

We get high. / Me too. / I'm kidding. / Me too.

You stink! / Thanks. / No, I'm serious. That's because I went down there and they were smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

Yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and my fingers sort of smell. I actually feel like I could throw up.

Great! Give me those cigs. Come on! Give it! Out. Done. Quit. / My late husband gave me that lighter. / I'm not kidding. / Okay, then.

I mean, I have patches all over my body, you know? I mean, I haven't slept in two days. / We quit yesterday.

That's counting today.

Busted! Come on! What are you doing? I thought we were the Patch Sisters.

What? My birthday is not for another month. / That's the surprise.

I mean, Chandler's birthday is even before mine. / Surprise!

What's in your hand? / Money. I'm stealing all the money.

Wow, Pheebs, you speak Italian? I guess so.

Oh, what, you want both of them? Ha, ha.

No. No. You lent me Monica's earrings? I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff. Why not? Because I lose her stuff!

Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary. It's a diaper commercial. Oh, yeah, well, you know me. Babies, responsibilities...

And thank you for that. But I never had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Oh. No, you're right. We met, you flirted and then, bam, nine years later, you had me.

Was I talking to her about gas? More so than anything else.

Hey, hey. Don't worry about it. In nine years, she and I will be right there! Ha, ha.

Oh, my God! That was flirting? Yeah. Wow.

Well, we have seven people and 10 pizzas. What do you think?

So if you're looking up, say... birthdays and dogs, you get photo 152. See? Oh, it's me and LePoo.

Good thing you numbered them. / I hadn't. Photo 152 was a prototype.

No. While you're at Ross', if you see any lying around. / What? / I don't do that.

Please don't be from a real dinosaur. Please, please. Please, please. / 'Made in Mexico.' Yes!

Who would buy this?

So all we had was ice? / See if he has ice.

Look, I'm his sister and I love him. I don't want to see him get hurt. / Doesn't that give me the right to control... / Help him?

Break up their marriage on their wedding day? Who would do that? / ... / Okay, fine. All right. But that was different.

The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near-death experience. / What happened? / We were on the ride-along with Gary and somebody took a shot at me! / Really? / No. A car backfired.

That was not a near-death experience. That was barely an experience. / You weren't there!

Hey, was Monica here? / I want my money back. / You probably need that for stamps, right?

What is it? What the hell is that? It's a cat. That is not a cat!

Thousand bucks. On a cat? It's not a cat!

Free cats do that too, you know. It's not a cat!

What am I gonna call her? Fluffy?

Congratulations. That's quite a waste of time.

I dragged a string, and it flipped out and scratched the hell out of me.

Every time this cat hisses at me... I know it's saying, 'Rachel!'

You paid $1000 for a cat when you owe me $300? Well, I was gonna let you play with it.

What am I gonna do? Get 1000 regular cats?

I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand!

Then what are you doing to me?

Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.

I do, but you'll have to look at this as more of an investment than a cat.

So $800, and I don't call the cops because you are robbing me blind! Blind! Just take the cat. Leave the money. Run away!

Yeah, $1500. You made a profit?

Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend.

Richard, that's all I ever hear. Richard, Richard, Richard.

Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice. Okay. So Richard, Richard.

Why are you so mad at him? Look, I don't wanna talk about it, okay? Well, it seems like... You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking.

Has anyone seen my list, by the way?

Uh, no. What's it look like? Um, a piece of paper and it says 'Ross.' I see.

Look what I did. I mean, look at this mess. I mean, we're gonna probably have to clean this up, you know? I mean, we're gonna have to reschedule.

Uh, that's an eye removal machine. All right, I'm out of here.

Extended eye test sequence with Rachel repeatedly fleeing

I guess we'll see you back here in three months. Great. And I'll fit you for a glass eye.

Those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is 100 percent better. They're still in my coat.

My pillow's all wet. Well, you said it was practice.

Oh, my God. You really are freakishly strong.

Final eye drop wrestling sequence

Which Richard? -The Richard. Richard Simmons? Oh, my God!

Okay, that actually makes more sense.

That's weird. I dreamed you had lunch with Richard. -Really? -Again, Richard Simmons.

Wow, I owe Rachel 20 bucks. On a totally different bet.

Was that supposed to be an insult? -I don't know, I'm very tired.

Simmons. Go with Simmons.

Oh, wow. I'm sorry. But, Ross, you kicked off your shoes.

Now, I'm just letting you know... this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.

Dance karate? Yes, it's a deadly... but beautiful sport.

He said he thought I was funny.

Ross, I am a human doodle!

Oh, my God! You drew on me?

Ross, I am a human doodle!

I look like my great-aunt, Muriel.

Oh, I forgot to dial.

Hello, Mrs. Ross. Well, hello, Mr. Rachel.

Ross, I don't think surgery is the answer here.

Your thing. You're the guy who gets divorced. Yes, you do. This is your third divorce. You love divorce so much, you're probably gonna marry it... and then it won't work out, so you're gonna have to divorce it.

I'm so drunk.

And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller.

I thought that the boxes were far away from each other.

You are asking me to be your wife. And as my wife, I think you should grant me this favor.

I came up with an analogy about a little goldfish... in a pond that freezes over in the winter... but I realized that was a story about what to do when people pick on you. So I'm gonna actually save that for my children's book.

This is not a marriage! This is the world's worst hangover!

Okay, stop, stop! Phoebe? Hey, Rach! What was that? Sorry. Mix-up.

By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky.

The three of us are gonna have such a good time living together! Yes, we are.

Chandler, you'll have to watch those long showers you take... because you know Racquel can't be late.

Come and knock on our door / We'll be waiting for you

Are you pregnant? No, but I'm throwing this shirt away.

Oh, my God. That's funny. I can't believe I did that.

What is that? I don't know.

It's just a little hard to believe. What's hard to believe? I mean, it's you guys. You do this kind of stuff, you know? You were gonna get married in Vegas, and then you backed out.

Really? Yeah, sweetie. You mean, we're not gonna live together anymore? Oh, my God. I'm gonna miss you so much.

-This one? -It worked!

Yeah, but it's on the ground floor.

'Come back later. I'm getting lucky.'

And Mrs.? / You and Ross are still married. / What? / Just kidding!

Hey, sisters. / Wow, we really are bitches.

Ross! Are you crazy? I am still your wife? Were you just never gonna tell me? What the hell is wrong with you? I could just kill you!

When? After the birth of our first secret child?

At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?

Oh, look who it is. My husband, the apple of my eye.

Sure, if you say you'll take care of it, I have no reason to doubt you.

Okay, Rach, but-- / You're peeping!

Oh, I am so mad, Ross! I don't think I've ever been this angry!

What? / Yes. Heroin and crack. / Crack isn't even an intravenous drug. / Well, you would know.

Ross, please. I found the magazines.

Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.

Well, yes. We got married in Vegas. / And the names, I think.

Okay, do you see what you're keeping me married to?

Lady, here's the deal. I came here for an annulment, and I'm not leaving here until I get one! / Would you like a night in jail? / Thank you for your time.

And I thought it would be funnier if we got married. / So, as a compromise, we decided first to get married and then... to eat a lot of grapes.

And we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. / Did I even treat? / No, it was on the house. It was a newlywed special.

That may be the most depressing thing I've heard.

Why don't you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on skits whenever you want.

And also my birthday. -It's not your birthday. What a mean thing to say! I'd never tell you it wasn't your birthday.

Surprise! Don't get mad, because this is what happened. I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing?" I am lousy at packing, right? But you love packing! So as a gift to you on our last night... I'll be coordinator!

My God, thank you! Monica's gonna make you pack! She's got jobs for everyone! Now, it's too late for me, but save yourselves!

I guess you weren't there.

Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages. You get your messages. It doesn't count if you have to read them off your hand after you've fallen asleep on the couch.

So you missed a message from who? Chandler? Or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?

I'm Monica. I wash the toilets 17 times a day, even if people are on it!

It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left.

Great. Monica's moving. -I am not! -Really? How come all your stuff is in this box?

And you stretch them out with your big old clown feet.

Rachel and Phoebe struggling over who gets which words for their answering machine message

Rachel switches positions then immediately refuses to give up the good words

Oh, you're no ordinary roommate, are you?

There's cute guys there. Let's run towards them!

Phoebe's bizarre running style described as Kermit the Frog meets Six Million Dollar Man

Pheebs, Monica tripped me. I don't think I can ever run again, ever!

Ankle. We'll see.

It's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.

People you don't know and will never see again. Yes, but still they are people... with eyes.

I'm so sorry. You're right. This feels great! And you don't care if people stare. It's only a second. Then you're gone!

Well, sure, but they might think it's weird considering I don't work there anymore.

A year ago.

Good kisser. - What? What? - You kissed him? - Totally.

Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside.

Oh, my God. That's not Ralph Lauren. That's Kenny the copy guy.

Why would the copy guy say he's Ralph Lauren? To get you to make out with him. Oh.

I don't even know how to use my keycard.

Sleep with Ralph Lauren. I'm not gonna sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn't.

And you will never get promoted, especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine.

You and Ralph? Kenny the copy boy.

If it says, 'boil two cups of salt,' you just boil two cups of salt.

He used to be just 'Jack Geller, Monica and Ross' dad.' Now he's 'Jack Geller, dream hunk.' / I don't know. To me, he'll always be 'Jack Geller walks in while you're changing.'

then beef sautéed with peas and onions... then a little bit more custard... then bananas

Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?

Oh, no. No, Ross, don't do this. / What? / I don't think us getting back together is a good idea.

I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!

You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef!

She's always bested us, that wily... minx.

Why would you do that to her? Why? Why?

No. Never do that.

Or we could just follow your clever jokes. Any ideas? Didn't think so.

Whatever, Linus. I'm opening mine.

I don't know. You were a lot bigger... I mean, stronger back then.

Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?

A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)

Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.

Ha! See, I knew, I knew you'd get it on the first guess.

Almost.

Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y'know like back then.

A dollar? And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.

Uh, it's from yore. Like the days of yore. Y'know?

Why did you do that? Because she hates Pottery Barn. She hates Pottery Barn?!!

Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!

Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times.

Well there's yore. And uh, y'know, yesteryear.

Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn't buy that lamp? What?! No! I'm not gonna move out! But are you saying that you would move out if I didn't buy that lamp? Oh. Yes! I would so move out!

You're not invited to lunch! What do you think? Pretty strong, I think.

Oh, I love that Japanese place. -I'm sick of Japanese. Not there. Wherever you want to go is cool.

And if anyone is ever rude to you, sneeze muffin.

You know, suddenly I find you very attractive.

Pretty nice, huh? Now who's a pushover? Rach, you're in my seat.

This coming from the man who couldn't split our $80 phone bill in half.

No, of course. Of course I've heard of them.

Oh, come on, you really think that's gonna work on me? I invented that.

It better not be about the apartment pants... because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren, and she loved it.

Oh, my God, and they're gonna have sex. Oh, no. What if he marries her too?

Are you saying he's a geek?

What? She died, Jill.

It's kind of slutty. It's yours.

Yeah, well, I'm a slut. Me too.

Uh, I'm just looking out your window at the view.

Ugh. She is a slut.

Is that a swing? Oh, don't even ask. Yuck.

Was it the 'Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite' vibe?

He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.

Not random. Bob.

All right, all right. You just blew your chances at dating Bob. Who? In Human Resources!

I mean, who does she think she is, Princess Caroline? You're jealous of Princess Caroline? Do I have my own castle?

She's just doing her job. You sick bastards.

Oh, well, thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth to tell me that.

But that just means he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tilman. -No. No, no. Ross Geller. -Of course! Monica's brother.

Did you lose weight? -You are so sweet to notice. Yes, I lost 3.5 pounds!

I may have said those things before, but... I never truly meant them until now. -That's a line from the show too!

I just cannot believe this. I mean, Joey Tribbiani. -You don't have to use his last name. But, Monica, come on, it's Joey Tribbiani. -I guess you have to.

I wish we could just not be married for a little bit. You know, I just wish we could be, like, on a break.

Oh, my God. You're a 30-year-old virgin. -Say it louder. The guy in the back didn't hear you. Yeah, I heard it.

What do you know, virgin?

Yeah, sure, sure, I can bring some sandwiches.

They have parasites?

But I thought that ring stood for Capri's undying love for her brother. -Look, you want the ring or not?

God y'know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment...

They have parasites?

What people?

Y'know, it's funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases...

I just fell right off the couch there.

Wow! I can't, I can't feel my hands.

Oh God I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!

Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!

But I thought that ring stood for Caprice's undying love for her brother.

Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I'm looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!

Me? I'm great! I'm fine! I'm sooo good!! But, you know who's not great?! Men!

And why is it that the second we tell you we're going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor's dog walker?!

Aw what are you?! A detective?

Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is gay.

It was a fire, I'm guessing not good.

Isn't that mine? Fine. I'm sorry for your loss.

I am not in the mood to be hit on right now. But if you give me your number, I'll call you sometime.

No. But yeah, I could use one now. Thanks.

I warned her about those candles.

Oh, my God! It sure didn't look this way when I lived here.

What's that smell? I know! I don't...

Monica was so sweet. She left a little mint on my pillow. Know what Joey left on my pillow? Gum.

Don't look at me, my hair's straight. Straight, straight, straight.

I can smell it a little, bake a pie.

This doesn't lock, does it?

Really? Yeah, look.

You have to switch with me. Monica is driving me crazy.

What does that tell you? / That refrigerators don't live as long as people?

I'm sorry. Thank you, Chandler.

Ralph mumbles a lot. / He mumbles when you're not attentive?

Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. What was in that brown jar? / That's still in there? / Not anymore.

What the hell are you doing? / What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!

What? I read that.

Yeah, and I found you one too, who is not a weirdo. / You know what though, guys, I really appreciate that... but I'm gonna take Sebastian.

A little blindsided but good.

No offense to you guys. Really, congratulations on... all the cash.

I wanna say a disease.

You just don't look old enough to have a 20-year-old daughter.

We? Yeah, it usually takes two people to... Oh, no! Yes! Of course. I know that!

There's a two-year wait. What if you get engaged in two years? Then you've gotta wait another two years? That's four years. Chandler's not gonna wait that long.

I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?

Yeah, that's great, Paul. But, you know... I want to know what.. Wow, those are really great!

They say that still waters run deep, and I want to swim in yours.

Your friends have a slumber party and stick your hand in warm water... while you sleep, so you pee in your sleeping bag.

You're lucky you never met that bitch, Sharon Majeski.

Chicken Boy! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

Still crying? Like a little girl.

I didn't know that I was gonna unleash... this weepy, clingy, moist monster!

What's the other? Don't know. Never had to use it.

We have some here. No, you don't!

It gets me kind of hot. Wait, wait. Listen to this:

I don't care about the little dude!

That's only because they get $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could have made listening to you? $2000!

Know when I figured that out? While you were talking!

I think I'm gonna cry. Oh! No more crying! I just dumped one crybaby. I'll dump you too.

I'm so happy and not at all jealous. Oh, no! God, definitely not jealous.

I'm probably 98% happy and maybe 2% jealous.

I'm like 90-10. Yeah. Me too.

No. But you know who was looking for you? Tenille.

That's what makes it so easy to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler.

This is the least jealous I've ever been!

Oh, no, wait! This is wrong! Ross isn't here!

Fashion is about me? About youth. Youth! Listen up, grandpa.

You mean 'we,' you and me? Oh, no, no, no. 'We,' you with someone, me with someone. Good, you scared me a minute.

Surely you can think of something. Just give me a minute.

I was good at the stuff? I really liked your hands.

Seriously? Seriously, no. Okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. I'm 30! Joey, you are not. You're 31. Oh, crap!

Come on, Ross. Let's go have sex!

How is that ever going to happen?

I know that that's dumb, but you were so depressed... when Ross got married, you slept with Chandler.

This is a dirty book!

Where did you learn that word? Where do you think... Zelda?

You can wear off-the-rack.

Wow! Hello, Mr. Chandler.

You know what? It's probably just your burning loins.

I wore out my first copy when I was with you.

Do you even know what a vicar is? Like a goalie, right?

I been waiting for so long to get on that body.

But I'd keep that helmet on, because you're in for a rough ride.

Your own boat? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.

Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway? That is the Coast Guard.

Boat rope? Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up? Rub it?

Hey, they didn't get us anything. Thank you!

But you couldn't move because you were wearing three life jackets. You have to respect the sea.

You'll be topless? Joey! You want me to learn?

Why not just say left? Okay, go to the left. The left. Just sit over there!

I did not see the bird or the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam shaped like Mike Tyson!

Greens don't quit! Greens? I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.

Oh, my God. I just said, 'Greens don't quit,' didn't I?

No, I'm not yelling at you. I'm just yelling near you.

I know port is right. Left. Damn it!

If you're starting another story, at least let me finish mine.

It's the same story. It's really long.

These really are the 'days of our lives.'

How did I do? Was this okay?

Hi, yes, I'm sorry. The models are down the hall.

Tag Jones. Go on. That's it. That's my whole name.

...two whole summers at TGI Friday's.

Would you stand up?

No, no, no.

He's so pretty I want to cry.

Look how pretty.

Dumb, old, perfect-for-the-job Hilda.

Really? No, handshake.

Really?

Hey, cute assistant. What's his story? Is he... Gay? Yeah.

Yeah, she's gay.

Ugh, I could just spread him on a cracker.

Why, is he? He is, isn't he? He's dating that slut in marketing.

Oh, well, drop and give me 10 more. Heh.