The One With The Engagement Picture

Phoebe:This guy on the subway just licked my neck!

Phoebe:I mean, I've done a lot of weird things, but I've never licked a stranger's neck on the subway.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. His name is Willy? Willy the neck-licker? Oh my God, I know him! That's Willy!

Monica:We're looking for a good picture of me and Chandler.

Ross:Good luck with that.

Monica:What are you talking about? These are great photos!

Chandler:Great photos? Monica, I look like I'm having a stroke in every single one of these.

Monica:Oh my God, look at Chandler in this photo. He looks like such a creep!

Chandler:I'm standing right here.

Chandler:It's great because Monica looks tan, not because it's a good couples photo.

Monica:Whoooosh! Whoooosh!

Monica:Even a wind machine can't help you, Chandler.

Chandler:Yeah, okay, I'll do the professional photos.

Chandler:What could possibly go wrong? I mean, it's not like they're going to ask me to smile or make eye contact or be comfortable in my own skin.

Ross:So did you see that three-pointer?

Joey:Yeah, that was incredible! That guy is amazing.

Ross:I know, right? We would totally dominate out there.

Joey:Oh definitely. We'd be all-stars.

Ross:We're not actually playing, are we?

Joey:No. We're just watching and hoping they'll ask us to join.

Joey:We call Chandler 'The Funny One.'

Chandler:Oh, thanks!

Joey:No, I mean that's what we call you. Your nickname. 'The Funny One.'

Ross:Well, we have nicknames for all of us.

Monica:Yeah, like Rachel is 'The Pretty One.'

Phoebe:And I'm 'The Weird One.'

Joey:And I'm 'The Handsome One.'

Monica:No, you're 'The Dumb One.'

Chandler:Wait, so what am I really?

Ross:You're 'The Guy Who Threw Up On Rachel In High School.'

Ross:Wait, so what's my bathroom nickname?

Chandler:We're calling you 'The Document Shredder.'

Ross:What? Why would you—

Joey:Dude, we've all heard the water pressure complaints from the apartment below.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm going out with Crap Bag tonight!

Monica:Wait, he's getting divorced? Oh, you should know him then. You're in that club.

Ross:I'm not in a club.

Monica:Well, you should be. You'd have a lot to talk about.

Monica:So all divorced men know each other?

Ross:No! No, it's not like there's some... some club or anything.

Ross:There is no club!

Ross:Although, between you and me, the napkins are fantastic.

Rachel:He does sit-ups. Like, a lot of sit-ups.

Monica:Why are you telling us this?

Rachel:I'm not telling you anything! I'm just saying he does sit-ups!

Chandler:You're like a donut within a donut within a donut.

Monica:Oh honey, that's not going to end well. He's going to fall for you, you're going to fall for him, and then one of you is getting fired.

Rachel:That's not going to happen.

Monica:It always happens. It's like the workplace version of a summer camp romance.

Rachel:What? No, of course not. Why would I mind? Tag can date whoever he wants.

Rachel:I mean, it's not like I care. It's totally fine. It's great, actually.

Rachel:Who is it? Is she pretty? Is she prettier than me?

Rachel:Oh my God, she's prettier than me, isn't she? She's so pretty. She's probably really smart too.

Rachel:And nice. She's probably really nice. What's her name? How long have they been dating?

Joey:A club for divorced guys? That's pathetic, man.

Ross:It's not all bad. We get discounts at certain restaurants, and there's a really nice support group that meets every Thursday.

Chandler:I'm in.

Ross:What? You're not even divorced.

Chandler:Not yet.

Rachel:Tag, why are you doing sit-ups in the office?

Tag:I don't know, I just felt like it.

Rachel:Well, drop and give me twenty!

Rachel:I can't believe I said that! I must have had too much to drink.

Tag:Rachel, you haven't had anything to drink tonight.

Rachel:Well, that's not an excuse then, is it?

Rachel:*clears throat* *sighs* *clears throat again* *long sigh*

Melissa:I want to sleep with Tag.

Rachel:Oh my God, Melissa! You can't just say things like that at work!

Rachel:You know what? I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to be the office bitch.

Rachel:But if you go near Tag, I will tell everyone that you cried at your desk over a Lean Cuisine.

Photographer:You look a little uncomfortable.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I'm not really comfortable... as a person.

Photographer:Okay, let's try something. Look sexy.

Chandler:*makes awkward face and poses*

Photographer:Never mind. Let's just get the pictures done.

Joey:Hey Chandler, can I borrow a shirt?

Chandler:Sure, they're all in my closet.

Joey:Okay... do you have anything that doesn't scream 'I have a trust fund'?

Chandler:That's literally everything I own.

Rachel:Joey, can you take out Tag?

Joey:Take him out? Like on a date?

Rachel:What? No! I mean take out the trash!

Joey:Oh... I thought you were setting me up with that guy.

Rachel:This is not a date. I'm not asking you on a date.

Joey:Oh, thank God. Because I gotta tell you, I would go on a date with a guy for money, but it would have to be a lot of money.

Monica:This picture's supposed to say 'Geller and Bing to be married'... not 'Local woman saves drowning moron.'

Monica:Oh, he's not annoying, he's just... Chandler.

Monica:Look at this photo of Chandler. He's looking at me like he wants to murder me.

Chandler:That's my love face.

Monica:That's your love face? Oh my God, Chandler, you look like you're about to kill me!

Chandler:Could I BE any more pathetic? I look like a dead fish.

Monica:You're not pathetic.

Chandler:Oh really? Then how did you ever find me attractive?

Monica:I don't know. What was I thinking?

Chandler:Why were you attracted to me?

Monica:I don't know, but if we start examining it, the whole thing could unravel.

Kyle:I am so sorry about that guy on the subway who was licking necks.

Phoebe:Oh, that's okay. That's just my friend Leonard. He has a condition.

Phoebe:Oh, I can't go to the ballroom dancing finals!

Kyle:Why not?

Phoebe:Because I missed all the earlier episodes. I don't know what's been happening!

Kyle seeming normal and reasonable. Reveals his own issues with ex-wife drama

Ross:I'm not going to help you with some scheme to divert attention from your ex-wife.

Chandler:What if I throw in ballroom dancing tickets?

Ross:You had me at ballroom.

Ross:Phoebe, you have to leave. My ex-girlfriend is here and I don't want her to see you.

Phoebe:Oh my God, why? What's wrong with me?

Ross:Nothing! You're great, but she doesn't know about you and I just... I can't explain right now.

Phoebe:Wow, okay, Sherlock. I'll just go.

Chandler:So Ross was supposed to distract my ex-wife?

Monica:Yeah, to keep her away from the apartment.

Chandler:And?

Joey:He ended up dating her instead.

Chandler:Of course he did.

Ross:What? Ballroom dancing is cool! I'm super cool!

Phoebe:She's mean, she's selfish, she doesn't care about anyone but herself. She lies constantly. She's a bad friend. She probably doesn't even recycle. And worst of all, she weaponizes sex to manipulate world leaders into giving her nuclear codes.

Ross:Oh, don't worry, I'll watch out for a woman who's obsessed with her appearance, can't admit when she's wrong, and is a compulsive liar. That shouldn't be hard to spot.

Whitney:I heard you guys talking about me. You called me crazy.

Ross:We were just—

Phoebe:It's not what it sounded like!

Whitney:No, it's fine. I am crazy. But at least I know it.

Whitney:This door isn't soundproof.

Phoebe:See? You're impossible to please!

Tag:Yeah, I don't know. I mean, 30-year-old women are kind of... old.

Rachel:Excuse me?

Joey:So you just go up to her and say it with confidence, you know?

Tag:How ya doin'?

Joey:Exactly! That's my line!

Tag:I know, I'm using it.

Joey:Hey Chandler, I could teach you about photography. You know, aperture, shutter speed, all that stuff.

Chandler:Oh yeah, that's great. And then you can teach me about finances by borrowing fifty bucks from me.

Joey:See, you gotta look down like this. It makes you look more powerful.

Chandler:Yeah, okay, I see what you're doing. Very powerful.

Joey:No, no, no, you're not doing it right. You gotta really commit to it.

Chandler:Dude, you've got sandwich all over your face. How is that powerful?

Joey:That's just method acting, man.

Joey:You can't teach someone to be good with women.

Joey:I mean, look at Chandler. I've been trying for years!

Joey:Yeah, well, at least I don't have to worry about my love life being a complete disaster.

Chandler:I'm right here.

Joey:A wingman? Me and Tag are gonna be wingmen?

Joey:Oh, this is great! I've always wanted a wingman!

Joey:We're gonna go out, we're gonna meet chicks, and we're gonna be like... like a well-oiled machine!

Chandler:No, no, no, I'm not being ignored. I'm just... invisible to romance.

Rachel:You know, all my crushes are just temporary. They never really last.

Monica:What about Joey?

Rachel:Well, okay, when I first met him...

Rachel:Did you have a crush on me?

Joey:Yeah, sure.

Chandler:Could I BE any more ignored?

Rachel:Joey, I can't pay you that much. How about I give you some of my old shirts instead?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. We had a deal. You said five hundred dollars.

Rachel:That was before I realized how much it actually costs.

Joey:Well, that's not my problem. A deal's a deal. You can't just change it because you don't like it anymore.

Joey:There's such a thing as too many women.

Tag:Really?

Joey:Yeah, but not for me.

Chandler:I took some antihistamines to relax.

Chandler:Ended up unconscious on the subway going to Brooklyn.

Ross:Hey Phoebe, how are you?

Phoebe:I'm good! So I heard you were dating Whitney. That's great!

Ross:Yeah, it was nice while it lasted.

Phoebe:Well, just be careful. You don't want her boiling your rabbit.

Ross:Hey, hey, hey. Whitney is not being unreasonable. She's trying to find the perfect color for our bedroom. Do you know how many paint samples there are?

Kyle:Yeah, it's called picking a f***ing color.

Ross:Look, I'm not saying Whitney has bedroom problems. I'm just saying that maybe, you know, there could be some room for improvement.

Whitney's Husband:Room for improvement? What does that mean?

Ross:Well, I mean, I don't know. I'm just trying to help here.

Whitney's Husband:Help? You're saying my wife is bad in bed!

Ross:No! No, that's not—I didn't say that!

Whitney:See? Even Ross thinks so!

Ross:I don't think anything! I'm Switzerland! I'm neutral!

Phoebe:Well, remember when you said you'd help me move, and then you didn't show up because you had to work late? And I was stuck there with just Monica and she kept reorganizing my stuff and I found her in my bedroom folding my underwear and humming?

Ross:I can't believe you used my coffee maker without asking!

Phoebe:Oh please, you borrowed my hair dryer for three months!

Ross:That was an emergency! I needed it for the museum!

Phoebe:Well I needed it for my hair! Which, by the way, I want back!

Ross:Your hair dryer is still your hair dryer!

Phoebe:Exactly! So I want the three months back!

Ross:How are you going to get three months back?!

Phoebe:I don't know, but I want it! I want my time back!

Ross:Well I want the coffee I bought back!

Phoebe:I want my youth back!

Ross:I want my hair back!

Rachel:So how was your night with Joey?

Tag:It was great! We went out, and Joey taught me how to pick up women.

Rachel:Oh yeah? And what did he teach you?

Tag:Well, he said the key is confidence and a good pickup line.

Rachel:So you're gonna go out there and... how did Joey put it... 'How you doin'?'

Tag:I really should do something about finding the right person.

Rachel:Oh my God, yes! I'll be that person!

Phoebe:I mean, come on! You're so selfish!

Phoebe:And another thing — Whitney? Your bedroom behavior is absolutely disgusting!

Ross:Well, I may not know *everything* about the bedroom...

Whitney:Oh, just say it, Kyle!

Phoebe:Your bathroom habits are disgusting!

Whitney:Yeah, I already know about that.

Whitney:Makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.

Phoebe:Oh, that's so Kyle!

Ross:Okay, fine. Phoebe was right. Whitney Houston was a sex weapon.

Ross:And she injured me.

Phoebe:Oh, and he hums when he's eating. He hums when he's walking. He hums when he's sitting on the couch.

Ross:It's not a sad men's club, Phoebe. It's a support group.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, that's like saying a potato is a potato. They're the same thing.

Monica:I wonder what our kids are going to look like.

Chandler:Well, we're getting married, so I guess we're going to find out.

Chandler:We're definitely getting married.

Monica:How can you be so sure?

Chandler:Because I love you and you love me.

Monica:That's not a guarantee of anything.