Jack

A woman in my office is a lesbian. I'm just saying!

Judy, relax. This is our little Harmonica we're talking about.

I don't know any of your flashdances, but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.

That's what they call the subway. Oh! I thought... Dad, we got it.

A joke that's funny in all countries.

Flowers, liquor. Re-carpet first floor? New guest bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this house.

Ooh, Jack. Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. [BOTH MOAN]

Fine, but I'm not paying for your wine cellar...you thieving, would-be-speaking-German-if-it-weren't-for-us man!

We're not paying for your wine cellar. You have to meet me in the middle. My foot will meet the middle of your ass.

I could kill you with my thumb, you know.

Judy, you did it. She's finally full!

I'm not falling for that one.

You lost 13 million dollars.

I still don't know how. You don't know how? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.

We have it. Only now we call it 'the beach house.'

So you've had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that.

It seemed like such a simple idea. Stupid. The word is 'stupid.'

Money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get onboard with.

Chandler accidentally sits on Monica's dad in steamy sauna

So if you ever see me giving them legal advice, just nod along.

And hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack...in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.

But I do know that there are six or seven Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.

Yeah, not as much as you loved to play 'uncooked batter eater.'

They must be your mother's. But please, please don't ask her. I'll throw these away.

I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes...to keep the water away from the Porsche.

You don't secretly smoke, do you? No. So it's just your mother, then.

Without that coloring book. Really? Wow. Looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.

I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.

Well, there was also leaves and gook and stuff.

Screw it. I'm having one.

I was driving it the other day and I saw my reflection in a window. Your mother's right, I do look like an ass.

Jack? - Why serve food on such a sharp stick?

Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

Why don't I remember this dog?

What about Ben? / Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter.

It can't be me, I'm standing right here.

It was a simpler time.

Well, get back in there! I'll guard the door!

That's how I got my bad hip.

You up to the task sailor?

Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back?