The One With Phoebes Cookies

Chandler:So, what do you guys think? New look!

Monica:You look great!

Ross:Yeah, looking good!

Rachel:Love it!

Chandler:My glasses! I got new glasses!

Joey:Oh yeah, nice!

Phoebe:Really suits you.

Monica:Hey, look at Chandler!

Chandler:What? What is it?

Monica:Just... look at him. Really look.

Joey:Yeah, dude, there's something different.

Chandler:What are you guys talking about?

Rachel:Your face! Look at your face!

Chandler:What about my face?!

Phoebe:Your eyes! Look at your EYES!

Ross:They're right there! In the middle of your face! The round things!

Monica:Those two organs that help you see! Below your eyebrows! Above your cheekbones!

Chandler:I KNOW WHERE MY EYES ARE!

Friend:You've always worn glasses, Chandler.

Chandler:What? No, I haven't! I've never worn glasses in my life!

Friend:Yes, you have. I remember it clearly.

Chandler:That's insane. Why would you say that?

Friend:Those are nice glasses. Very feminine.

Monica:Thank you! I think so too.

Chandler:They are not feminine.

Chandler:No, no, no. We do need gifts. How else will people know we exist?

Monica:I can't believe my CD player is missing from my gynecologist's office.

Chandler:Well, I hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure Joey stole it.

Monica:What we want.

Chandler:What I want.

Monica:I made a deathbed promise to my grandmother.

Phoebe:Oh, those don't count.

Monica:I'm making the world's best cookies.

Chandler:Yeah, and our kids are gonna be really messed up.

Joey:Hey, it's in the marina. You know how hard it is to get it out of there? You gotta untie it, push it, get it in the water... I'm not doing all that work just to go out on a boat for like an hour.

Ross:Finally, a place where you can sit, drink beer, and eat chips.

Rachel:My dad bought me a boat when I was 15.

Ross:A boat? That's amazing.

Rachel:Yeah, well, he did it to cheer me up because my pony was sick.

Monica:What were you thinking about?

Chandler:Oh, nothing. I just like doing this.

Monica:Dad really likes you. He asked if you wanted to play golf with him next weekend.

Chandler:Really? That's great!

Monica:Yeah, he specifically asked for Chauncey.

Chandler:Chauncey? My name is Chandler.

Monica:I know.

Monica:Chandler could play racquetball every week.

Monica:Or he could go to a hotel room every afternoon like my dad.

Chandler:I'm left-handed!

Ross:No, you're not.

Chandler:Yes, I am!

Ross:No, you're not. You're right-handed. You always have been.

Chandler:How do you know what hand I write with?

Monica:Okay, okay, don't panic. I have a backup plan. I have a backup plan for my backup plan. And a backup plan for that backup plan. I actually have a color-coded binder system with laminated copies of all my recipes stored in a safe deposit box at the bank, in a fireproof safe, with copies also kept at my parents' house, in my apartment, in my office at work, and memorized. All memorized.

Phoebe:Or we could just not do it.

Chandler:Oh wow, a frozen cookie. You know, I've been looking everywhere for this. I checked Pottery Barn, I checked Williams-Sonoma, I even checked the gift registry at Restoration Hardware. But nothing — nothing compared to a cookie that's been in your freezer since the Clinton administration.

Chandler:We can't accept this.

Monica:Why not?

Chandler:Because it's too generous.

Monica:No, it's because you're fat and you can't have any more cookies.

Ross:Twice! I've been engaged twice!

Joey:What is this thing? 'Coast Guard'? What kind of a name is that for a boat?

Rachel:Joey, that IS the Coast Guard.

Joey:Wait, the Coast Guard? What coast?

Rachel:Joey, what does 'raising the mainsail' mean?

Joey:Uh, when the captain yells, 'All hands on deck!' and you have to go get him a sandwich?

Joey:Just smile and nod. Pretend you know what she's talking about.

Rachel:Do you want to pay attention or die?

Joey:I should call Chandler.

Monica:The difference between a professional and a layman is that a professional knows all the rules and regulations.

Chandler:And arrogance. Don't forget arrogance.

Joey:I just realized something. Women are like boats.

Joey:You gotta know how to handle 'em, treat 'em right, and sometimes you gotta just hold on and hope you don't capsize.

Phoebe:Oh wow, thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed. You shouldn't have!

Chandler:Ahhhh! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Jack Geller:What the—Chandler?!

Chandler:Jack! I'm so sorry, I couldn't see, I thought you were a bench!

Monica:You gave my father a lap dance.

Chandler:Well, I would think it's because they're steaming the room. It's kind of in the name. Steam room. If it was called the 'slightly warm room,' I'd be very upset right now.

Monica:Well, I guess you could say we're really bonding!

Chandler:Oh come on, Monica's fat camp story has to be the most embarrassing.

Monica:It was ONE summer!

Ross:One summer? You were there for three months and came back with a color.

Monica:I lost fifteen pounds!

Chandler:And found them all again by September.

Monica:You know what? At least I went to fat camp. You went to band camp and came back able to play the recorder badly.

Ross:Hey, I was very popular at band camp.

Chandler:Yeah, with the other people who couldn't get dates.

Ross:Hey, where are you going dressed like that?

Chandler:I'm going to see Monica's dad.

Ross:In that outfit? He's going to think you're a stripper.

Monica:Oh my God, don't say that! He'll think Chandler's going to give him a lap dance!

Ross:Well, is he?

Chandler:No!

Chandler:I'm going to talk to my dad face to face.

Joey:Which faces?

Chandler:What do you mean 'which faces'?

Joey:Well, after the lap dance incident...

Phoebe:So we don't have to get them an engagement gift?

Rachel:No, we already got them the wedding gift.

Phoebe:Oh thank God. I spent all my money on a new bra.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's... okay, never mind.

Joey:I would love to, but I can't. I'm afraid of the water. Well, not the water itself, but what's in it. You know, like fish and... sea monsters and... water.

Rachel:Joey, you were wearing three life jackets!

Joey:So?

Rachel:Joey, you drank seven beers!

Joey:Eight. There's a half-empty one in the kitchen.

Rachel:Okay, fine. I'll be nicer during sailing lessons.

Joey:Great! So does that mean you'll finally let me see your—

Rachel:No, Joey.

Joey:You didn't even let me finish!

Rachel:I didn't have to.

Monica:I made a lot of cookies in ninth grade.

Chandler:Yeah, I remember. I gained fifteen pounds just watching you eat them.

Monica:Well, I didn't eat all of them!

Chandler:No, you ate most of them.

Phoebe:Oh my God, this one tastes like a tire fire had a baby with a shoe!

Rachel:Okay, so you're telling me you don't know what 'starboard' means?

Joey:Is that like... a board made of stars?

Rachel:No! It's the right side of the ship!

Joey:Oh! Why didn't you just say that?

Rachel:Because it's a nautical term, Joey. It's called 'starboard.'

Joey:Well, what about the left side?

Rachel:That's 'port.'

Joey:Like the wine?

Rachel:No! It's just... it's port. The left side is port.

Joey:That's confusing.

Rachel:Yes, well, welcome to nautical terminology. Now, if we're sailing and I say 'hard to port,' you go left, okay?

Joey:Why can't you just say left?

Rachel:Because— you know what? Fine. Left. It's left. We're done here.

Rachel:Okay, so a jib is the triangular sail in front, and the mainsail is the large one behind it.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you see that squirrel outside? That thing just ran up the tree like it owned the place.

Rachel:Joey, focus. We're talking about sailing.

Joey:I am focused. Look at how fluffy its tail is! That's a $10,000 tail right there.

Rachel:Joey, you were supposed to be learning to sail!

Rachel:Instead you were staring at that girl in the bikini.

Rachel:Then you got distracted by the hot dog stand.

Rachel:Then you were watching that guy's yacht like you owned it.

Rachel:And don't even get me started on the time you spent looking at seagulls!

Rachel:Joey, you can't quit! You're so close to making it!

Joey:Yeah, but my family doesn't quit things. We just... stop showing up.

Rachel:Oh my God. I'm turning into my father.

Rachel:I just told Monica she couldn't wear that outfit because it wasn't appropriate for brunch.

Rachel:That is exactly what he would say.

Rachel:I'm becoming a controlling nightmare.

Joey:You're yelling at me!

Rachel:I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling near you. It's very different.

Joey:Okay, so I learned all about sailing. You take the boat out on the water, you pull on the... the ropey things.

Rachel:The ropes?

Joey:Yeah, yeah, the ropes. And then you gotta watch out for the... the big swooshy thing that swings around and hits you.

Rachel:The boom?

Joey:Sure, the boom. And if you're lucky, you'll make it to the other side without the boat doing that tippy thing.

Rachel:Capsizing?

Joey:That's probably what the professionals call it, yeah.

Phoebe:No, she's not. She's in the radiator.

Phoebe:I'm not talking to Ursula over my dead body.

Chandler:What?

Phoebe:I've planned my death date around shuffleboard.

Phoebe:When I die, I want to come back as a chair.

Chandler:Why a chair?

Phoebe:Because that way I can watch people sit on me all day.

Chandler:That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Also, I have some bad news about your death day.

Phoebe:My grandmother's secret recipe comes from a very famous French chef. Nestlé Toll House.

Phoebe:Oh, Americans! You always butcher the French language. It's 'Nestlé Toll House,' not 'Nestle Toll House.'

Monica:Phoebe, that's what I just said.

Phoebe:No, you said it wrong. The way you pronounced it was very American and very ugly.

Phoebe:Grandma, I'm sorry. I have to tell you something. Your secret recipe? It was store-bought the whole time. I found the label.

Phoebe:I know, I know. You lied to us. But Grandma, you taught me that honesty is important, so I'm being honest with you now. You're a big fat liar!

Jack:Look, I may have told them I was a lawyer.

Jack:Okay, I definitely told them I was a lawyer.

Jack:Chandler, buddy, I'm gonna need you to back me up here.

Chandler:What do you want me to say?

Jack:Just tell them you work with me. Tell them you're a lawyer too.

Chandler:I can't do that, Jack.

Joey:Could this BE any more perfect? A boat with a sandwich delivery system!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? You're eating that sandwich all wrong!

Joey:You're supposed to eat it like this. See? You're wasting perfectly good food here.

Joey:Do you know how many people would kill for a sandwich like that? And you're just... mangling it!

Joey:This is breaking my heart. This is actually breaking my heart right now.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Am I becoming my father?

Joey:Oh my God. I yelled at someone for eating my sandwich. That's exactly what my dad would do.

Joey:I'm turning into him. Next thing you know, I'll be leaving my family and taking up with a woman half my age.