The One With All The Thanksgivings

Unknown:I'm completely full, I couldn't eat another bite.

Unknown:Well, maybe just a little dessert.

Chandler:It's not working. I think the batteries are dead.

Joey:Have you tried lifting it and pointing it at the TV?

Chandler:Lifting it and pointing it? What do you think I've been doing, waving it at the wall?

Chandler:I love fall. The crisp air, the changing leaves, the way the breeze just cuts right through...

Monica:That's sweet.

Chandler:Yeah, because it blows away the smell of Joey's apartment.

Monica:So you're saying you're grateful for your underwear?

Chandler:Well, I mean, think about it. Without underwear, that could've been a real problem.

Joey:Yeah, I'm thankful for underwear every day of my life.

Ross:That's... actually a fair point.

Chandler:A thong? That's just a string with delusions of grandeur.

Joey:What do you mean? It's like the engineering marvel of underwear.

Chandler:Yeah, it's a marvel alright. A marvel of discomfort.

Philosophical existential crisis about underwear

Unknown:Are you aware that you're still talking? Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?

Unknown:What do you have to be thankful for?

Chandler:Well, I'm thankful that I didn't get hit by a bus this year.

Monica:That's great, Chandler.

Chandler:Yeah, or that my apartment didn't burn down.

Deadpan acknowledgment of the dark humor

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nobody has a worse Thanksgiving than me. I have a monopoly on bad holidays. It's like my thing.

Chandler:Every year, the same story. The parade comes to town, floats get bigger, balloons get weirder, and somehow my family still abandons me.

Joey:Wait, the parade abandons you?

Chandler:No, the parade is family. It's got issues, it shows up once a year, and it always leaves me disappointed.

Chandler's Mother:Sweetie, this has nothing to do with you. Your father and I just grew apart.

Chandler's Father:Yeah, we just realized we wanted different things out of life.

Chandler's Mother:Especially after I found him in bed with that cocktail waitress from the Improv.

Reference to the affair revelation. The awkward presence of the affair partner

Chandler:So there I was, right? And Monica says to me...

Chandler:Wait, no. Actually, Ross was there. And he said it first.

Chandler:No, no, no. It was Joey. Joey definitely said it.

Chandler:You know what? Every time I tell this story, it's different. I don't even know what actually happened anymore.

Chandler:So let me get this straight—your houseboy had an affair with the maid?

Unknown:Yes, and the maid had an affair with the gardener.

Chandler:And the gardener had an affair with...?

Unknown:The pool boy.

Chandler:Of course he did. What about the pool boy?

Unknown:The pool boy had an affair with my wife.

Chandler:Your wife had an affair with the pool boy? That's the most clichéd—

Unknown:And my wife had an affair with the houseboy's mother.

Chandler:Okay, now we're just making up staff.

Chandler:Okay, okay, fine. You win. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.

Monica:That's nothing. One year my houseboy fell down the stairs and broke his leg.

Chandler:Your houseboy? Monica, we grew up in the same house. You never had a houseboy.

Monica:Well, not after that.

Unknown:Did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler?

Monica:Phoebe, you don't remember any of your past lives?

Phoebe:No, I don't think I've had any past lives.

Rachel:Well, that's because you're a new soul, Phoebe. You've just started your journey.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, that makes sense.

Ross:It's not that weird. Lots of people have unconventional relationships.

Chandler:Ross, you're dating your sister's best friend who used to be a man.

Ross:Okay, that IS weird.

Joey:How'd it get stuck on my head?!

Monica:You put it on as a hat!

Joey:Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time!

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! The turkey is stuck!

Joey:Just pull it out!

Monica:I can't! My hand is stuck!

Chandler:This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Joey:And it smells like a diaper!

Joey:What is that smell? It's like... death mixed with old cheese.

Chandler:That's just Monica's cooking from last night.

Joey:No, seriously, what is it?

Chandler:Well, if you want the brutally logical explanation: something died in our apartment, decomposed into a cheese-like substance, and now we're experiencing the beautiful marriage of those two smells.

Monica:We can't serve the turkey off your head, Joey!

Joey:Why not? I'm very comfortable being the center of attention.

Monica:Because people are going to be eating it!

Joey:Yeah, and...?

Monica:And they're going to have their mouths all over your head!

Ross:I got it! You pull. I'll spread the legs as wide as I can.

Chandler:Now is not the time.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me you put that turkey on your head on purpose?

Chandler:Yeah, I wanted to scare you guys.

Joey:Dude, that's not funny. That's just weird.

Joey:Remember when Ross tried to say 'butternut squash'... and it came out, 'squatternut bosh'?

Monica:So you're comparing a turkey head to mispronouncing a word?

Ross:Well, when you put it that way, they're basically the same thing.

Monica:Yeah, totally identical levels of humiliation.

Chandler:Thanksgiving is just about reliving pain. And now I have to add Native Americans to my personal misery.

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica. It's not a flower. It's a vagina.

Monica:Well, 'vagina' is so clinical.

Rachel:So is 'giving your flower.' That makes it sound like you're pollinating someone.

Monica:I'm going to go slip into something more comfortable.

Rachel:What, a coma?

Rachel:I know what a penis is.

Ross:Does it feel weird?

Chandler:A little bit, yeah.

Ross:I wrote some songs about it.

Chandler:Songs about what?

Ross:About my sister feeling weird.

Chandler:So I've been calling my parents by their first names now.

Monica:What? Why would you do that?

Chandler:I don't know, I thought it would make us closer, you know? More like friends.

Nora:Chandler, we are NOT your friends. We are your parents.

Rachel:It was over before the song ended.

Chandler:We got fake IDs.

Ross:What names did you use?

Chandler:I'm Turk Turkleton.

Ross:Turk Turkleton? And what's mine?

Chandler:You're Randall Mahmood.

Chandler:I can't stay at Ross's house. Last time I was there, Monica sat on me and I couldn't breathe for twenty minutes.

Monica refusing more food. Father's cruel celebration of daughter's fullness

Unknown:I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.

Phoebe:Oh, I have a great Christmas story. So, I was living in this box behind a Duane Reade, and on Christmas Eve, the box got wet, so I had to leave it. And I spent the night in the Port Authority with this guy... Oh! But the good news is, I was pregnant!

Monica:I'm changing my major again.

Chandler:Again? Monica, that's like the fifth time this year.

Monica:I know, but this time it's different.

Rachel:How is it different?

Monica:The new professor is really hot.

Ross:She plays for both teams.

Monica:I want him to be naked, and I want to point at him and laugh.

Monica:It's like a flower.

Rachel:Monica, a flower? Please. It's a flower that's gonna get stepped on in a bar somewhere.

Rachel:Okay, watch me. You take the dish towel, and you make it seem... sexual.

Monica:How do you make a dish towel sexual?

Rachel:You just... use your body. Like this.

Monica:Okay, I'm going to try that thing you do where you tilt your head and look up through your eyelashes.

Rachel:Monica, no—

Monica:What? I'm doing it right now. See? Seductive.

Chandler:You look like you're trying to see if there's a spider on the ceiling.

Monica:Well, maybe if you were a box of macaroni, you'd find it irresistible.

Monica:Over-the-top knife against body move

Chandler:Could the material of my shoe BE any more penetrable?

Chandler:So you put your toe on ice and now you're in a show?

Joey:It's not just any show, it's an ice show!

Chandler:Well, that's cool.

Monica:I think what he means is, you really need to break the ice with the audience.

Ross:Yeah, and try not to get cold feet about it.

Doctor:You were supposed to bring the severed toe in a bag of ice.

Joey:I did bring it in a bag.

Doctor:This is a bag of frozen vegetables.

Joey:Oh... oh no.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! Is that a toe? There's a toe in my kitchen!

Monica:Why is there a toe in my kitchen?!

Monica:Dad, can I borrow the Porsche?

Jack Geller:No.

Monica:But Dad, I really need it.

Jack Geller:Monica, I know what you're doing. You're using that voice.

Monica:What voice?

Jack Geller:That voice. The one where you pretend to be all sweet and innocent. Well, it won't work this time.

Monica:But Daddy...

Jack Geller:No! And don't use the 'Daddy' thing either. I invented that tactic!

Monica:So how did you lose your toe?

Chandler:Well, in high school, I was teased mercilessly. The kids called me 'Toeless.' I got so upset that I actually lost my toe in a fit of rage.

Rachel:That's terrible! How did you lose it though?

Chandler:I kicked it off. Literally. I was so angry, I kicked my own toe off.

Joey:Toeless? That's the cruelest nickname I've ever heard.

Joey:Hey, I came up with that nickname!

Chandler:Of course you did.

Monica:I'm so sorry about your toe!

Chandler:You know what? It's okay. This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, and this little piggy... went 'wee wee wee' all the way home. Except my little piggy went 'AHHHHH' all the way to the hospital!

Monica:Come on, Chandler, let me cheer you up with my best duck impression!

Monica:*makes ridiculous duck sounds and waddles around*

Monica:Come on, Chandler. I'll cheer you up. Watch this!

Monica:(does turkey dance)

Chandler:What did you say?

Monica:I didn't say anything.

Chandler:Yes, you did. I heard you say 'I love you.'

Monica:I said 'I love... your shoes.'

Chandler:I said it first!

Monica:No, you didn't! I clearly said 'I love you' before you did!

Chandler:Monica, I had a whole speech planned. I was going to—

Monica:Oh, so now there's a speech? You're going to out-romance me?

Chandler:That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying—

Monica:You know what? Fine. Let's call it a tie.

Chandler:A tie? Monica, this is the most important moment of our lives and you want a tie?

Monica:Well, what do you want? A medal? A certificate?

Chandler:I want you to admit that I said it first!