The One In Massapequa

Phoebe:I met this guy Parker at the dry cleaners.

Monica:Oh yeah? Did he give you the full service? Because I could use a good pressing right about now.

Phoebe:What? I don't... I mean, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:He's so romantic. He brings me flowers, he writes me poetry, he tells me I'm beautiful every single day.

Phoebe:But then in the bedroom, he wants me to call him 'Daddy' and spank him with a spatula while he cries about his mother.

Monica:I want to give the toast again. I can do better this time.

Ross:Monica, no one's asking you to do that.

Monica:But I ruined it! Let me try again.

Ross:You didn't ruin it. Actually, Mom told me something...

Monica:What? What did she say?

Ross:She actually booed your last toast.

Monica:Oh, so Ross gives one good toast and suddenly he's the golden child? Meanwhile, I've been planning this entire wedding and nobody even remembers my maid of honor speech from last year!

Monica:Fine. Fine! I see how it is. Ross does one thing right and he's a hero. I do everything and I'm just 'Monica, could you please stop talking?'

Monica:Every time someone gives a toast at a wedding, everyone's like, 'Oh, Ross gave such a beautiful toast!' Well, this year they're going to be talking about MY toast.

Joey:I can cry. I'm a very emotional actor.

Monica:Okay, cry.

Joey:Not now, there's people watching.

Joey:I can cry on cue. Watch this.

Joey:I'm thinking about my childhood dog... nothing. Okay, um, my grandmother's funeral... still nothing.

Joey:It's too bright in here! The lighting is all wrong. I can't cry under these conditions.

Monica:I'm going to make them cry with my toast. I call it 'Operation Waterworks.'

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica! That's your dog!

Monica:I know, right? Good stuff.

Rachel:You can't show people pictures of your dog and call it 'good stuff'! They're gonna think you're showing them something else!

Joey:I named a star after you guys. It's gonna be up there forever, just like your love.

Chandler:That's actually really sweet, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, well wait till you see what I got your parents.

Chandler:What?

Joey:A vibrating bed.

Monica:There's satin ribbon, and then there's silk ribbon, which has a much finer sheen. Velvet ribbon, grosgrain ribbon, which has those little ridges...

Chandler:Could I BE any less of a man right now?

Monica:I couldn't get braces because of Chi-Chi's knee surgery.

Ross:You caused that by riding her.

Parker:Wait, what's your name again?

Chandler:It's Chandler.

Parker:Chandler! Of course! You know, you're my favorite person here. I mean it. You're like the funniest guy I've ever met.

Ross:We should get going to the party.

Parker:Did you just spend five minutes explaining why we should leave?

Parker:I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. That's really sad. Dogs are like... they're like furry little angels that walk among us. And now your angel is in dog heaven, probably playing with other dogs and eating unlimited treats. I bet your dog was the best dog. I bet it never had a mean thought in its whole life. I'm going to miss your dog too, even though I never met it.

Parker:Is Massapequa steeped in Native American history?

Ross:Well, the only Native American landmark is a Arby's.

Parker:We're driving? - Yeah. - Aces.

Monica:He seems like a nice guy.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I'm gonna take the bus.

Rachel:So after 35 years of marriage, what's the secret? What pearls of wisdom can you share with us?

Jack:Well, the secret is... these hors d'oeuvres are really good. Where did you get these?

Ross:Dad, that's... that's a really interesting idea. You know, in some cultures, they actually do serve food on sticks. It's very... efficient.

Jack:Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

Chandler:You know, Jack, if your nose hair is getting that bad, you might want to invest in a good nose hair trimmer. I hear they're very effective. Plus, it beats having to explain to people why you look like you're growing a small forest out of your nostrils.

Ross:Oh, it's wonderful! Just fantastic!

Rachel:The best decision we ever made.

Ross:I wake up every morning and I think, 'Wow, I'm married!'

Rachel:It's like a dream come true.

Parker:Event Room C has seen some amazing times. Bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, bar and bat mitzvahs together... I could go on.

Chandler:Yeah, well, your flash didn't go off.

Monica:You know what? I think you need to go to a mental institution.

Parker:Really? You think I'm that sick?

Monica:No, I think you'd be really happy there.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're going to the bathroom with Parker? That guy's so positive, he's probably gonna come out of there like, 'That was AMAZING! Best bathroom experience of my life!'

Rachel:He was so excited about the highway. Like, genuinely excited. We passed a rest stop and he goes, 'Look! A building dedicated entirely to rest!'

Parker:That waiter. His shoes. I must take a mental picture. Sorry.

Phoebe:You guys are so mean! Parker is sweet and sensitive.

Monica:Phoebe, he cried during a commercial.

Phoebe:So? At least he has feelings! Look at your dating history - you went out with that guy who collected toenail clippings!

Rachel:Hey, what about me?

Phoebe:You dated Paolo! He wore a leather jacket indoors and cheated on you constantly.

Chandler:Alright, alright, what about me?

Phoebe:Oh Chandler, you're so sarcastic you can't even have a real conversation. You married someone you didn't even love!

Joey:Wait, me too?

Phoebe:Joey, you fell in love with every actress you ever worked with and never had a real relationship in your life!

Ross:And Ross?

Phoebe:Ross, you've been in love with Rachel since 1994 and she had no idea. You're a disaster.

Ross:Hey, hey! Mona's great! We just wanted different things.

Phoebe:Yeah, and before her there was Emily, and before her there was Carol, and before her there was—

Ross:Okay, okay, I think we're focusing too much on Mona here.

Rachel:It was beautiful and spectacular!

Chandler:Yeah, and Beyoncé performed!

Rachel:She did?

Chandler:No, but in our imaginations she did.

Rachel:Oh, well, the pictures didn't come out. Annie Leibovitz accidentally exposed all the film.

Rachel:A Harley? Ross, come on. We're trying to be realistic here.

Ross:What? You just said Stevie Wonder was playing and Annie Leibovitz was taking the photos!

Rachel:Yeah, but a Harley is ridiculous.

Parker:What an inspired solution to man's plate-dispensing problems.

Parker:Come on, Rachel, just try it. Trust me, it's amazing.

Rachel:I don't know... it looks slimy.

Parker:That's the best part! It's like the ocean in your mouth. Buttery, briny, absolutely delicious.

Rachel:Fine, fine, I'll do it.

Parker:You're going to love it, I'm telling you.

Rachel:Okay, it's actually... not bad.

Parker:See? What'd I tell you? Here, try another one.

Rachel:Wait, you're not having any?

Parker:Are you kidding? Look at them. They look like... I don't know what they look like, but it's not food. You enjoy yourself though.

Monica:I'm going to make them cry with my toast.

Joey:You want me to physically restrain them so they can't leave?

Rachel:My wedding veil was made by blind Belgian nuns.

Chandler:They went blind making it?

Rachel:No, they were already blind.

Chandler:So how did they make your veil?

Rachel:Well, they went blind making it.

Rachel:I mean, I'm not trying to brag, but I looked pretty good.

Rachel:I had my hair done, the dress was amazing, my makeup was flawless...

Rachel:Okay, fine, I looked absolutely stunning.

Ross:So I got down on one knee, pulled out this enormous ring—I'm talking like a cubic zirconia the size of a golf ball—and I said, 'Will you marry me?' And she looked at it and said, 'Is this a chandelier?'

Phoebe:You know what? I'm gonna kill Parker. He's too positive about everything.

Phoebe:This party is the worst thing that's ever happened. The decorations are ugly, the music is terrible, and everyone here is annoying.

Monica:Well, maybe you should stick to the cooked foods from now on.

Phoebe:Well, group dancing is just a way for people to stand really close to each other and jump up and down without it being weird.

Monica:I'm giving the toast instead of Ross.

Wedding Guests:*audible groaning*

Monica:To Grandma, who we'll miss dearly. And to Fluffy, who was a good dog.

Monica:And remember, they're both dead now.

Monica:What is wrong with you people?! I just told you about my dead dog, my dead grandmother, and the time I found out my favorite restaurant closed down, and nobody's crying!

Monica:I just want to say, you two are perfect together, and I love you both so much. You make each other happier than I've ever seen anyone be. So here's to... friendship. And love. And... stuff.

Monica:Chi-Chi was such an important part of my life. She taught me about love and loyalty...

Jack:Who's Chi-Chi?

Judy:I just want to say, I think it's wonderful that Ross took the time to give such a thoughtful toast. His Nana would have been so proud.

Judy:Monica, sweetie, you did your best.

Parker:This hallway is so well-lit! Have you ever seen anything so bright and beautiful?

Phoebe:You know, I have this really good therapist. She also prescribes medication.

Parker:The traffic was magical. It was like the universe was telling us something.

Phoebe:Yeah, it was telling us to take the subway.

Phoebe:I'm a positive person compared to Parker. Like, Parker wakes up in the morning and immediately thanks God for his teeth. Parker sees a pigeon and thinks, 'Oh great, a bird!' Parker once got food poisoning and was like, 'Well, at least my stomach is working!' Parker met a guy with no arms and was like, 'Wow, think of all the high-fives he's avoided!' Parker watched his house burn down and said, 'Well, now I can redecorate!'

Phoebe:Oh yeah, GREAT job, Parker! You really showed me how angry you can be! Wow, what passion! What intensity! I'm so impressed by how you stormed out of here with such... such ENTHUSIASM!

Parker:Isn't this the most incredible fight you've ever had in your entire life?

Ross:A sidecar wouldn't have been feasible.

Rachel:But a dove was apparently feasible?

Rachel:It was fun being married to you tonight.

Ross:Yeah, well, don't get used to it. I'm gonna need at least two weeks before I can do another one.

Monica:Oh my God! You just... you just tell one little story about Mom and Dad and Nana, and suddenly I'm crying?!

Monica:I hate you so much right now!