The One in Massapequa

Did he put a little starch in your bloomers?

Who said that?

And he treats me like a queen. Except at night, when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.

Hopefully this time Mom won't boo you.

You wonder why Ross is their favorite?

You know what they're gonna say this year? "God, you."

Really? You can do that? - Oh, you kidding me? Watch.

Well, I can't do it with you guys watching me.

Or as I like to call it: "Sob-fest 2002."

You're gonna talk about their dead pet?

And I got them Kama Sutra for the Elderly.

And I think my testicles may be in here too.

You were the 200-pounder who rode her.

Chandler, I'm kidding. Already you're my favorite.

Classic Ross.

Well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow, old friend. Bow-wow.

Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tepee.

We're driving? - Yeah. - Aces.

You want to hang back and take a cab? - Okay, otherwise I'm not going.

Jack? - Why serve food on such a sharp stick?

It's a good question, Dad. It's a good question.

Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

If you're gonna do the ears, you may as well take a pass at the nose area.

Unbelievable. It's great. - I love marriage.

The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs, both bar and bat.

I don't think the flash went off.

Somewhere, there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

I have to go too, but I don't want him complimenting my thing.

He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.

That waiter. His shoes. I must take a mental picture. Sorry.

In my opinion, your collective dating record reads like a who's who of human crap.

What was wrong with Mona?

And Stevie Wonder sang "Isn't She Lovely" as I walked down the aisle.

You wouldn't think that Annie Leibovitz would forget to put film in the camera.

Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.

What an inspired solution to man's plate-dispensing problems.

Why don't you just try one? - Nah, they look too weird.

You know, if you want to, I could just hold them down and you could just:

Well, not at first, but it was intricate work.

But there were some people that said I looked like a floating angel.

And the ring was the size of my fist.

Let's call a spade a spade. This party stinks.

Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music? Come on.

[GUESTS GROAN]

As is our dog, Chi-Chi.

Do me a favor, pass this to my parents. Remember, um, she's dead, okay? Her and Nana, gone.

You people are made of stone.

Here's to Mom and Dad. Whatever.

Why don't I remember this dog?

I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross' toast.

Can I, um, get you something to drink, like a water and Valium?

They were just brake lights, Parker.

You are like Santa Claus on Prozac. At Disneyland, getting laid.

Hey. Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out.

Isn't this the most incredible fight you've ever had in your entire life?

But having a dove place the ring on your finger would've been no problem.

Yeah, and it was the easiest 400 bucks I ever made.

[SOBBING] Oh, good God, Ross, how the hell do you do it?