The One Where Rosita Dies

Joey:You could sit on my lap. It's a decent place.

Rachel:I'm not sitting on your lap, Joey.

Joey:Hey, could you guys help me move my chair?

Joey:Come on, Sheila, don't be like that. We've been through so much together.

Joey:It matters because... okay, see, if I move the chair over here, then when I'm sitting and I want the remote, it's right there. But if I leave it where it is, I gotta reach like this. So by not moving it, I'm actually saving energy. It's called lazy optimization.

Joey:Yeah, Stevie and I hung out last night.

Rachel:Stevie? Who's Stevie?

Joey:You know, Stevie.

Rachel:Joey, I have no idea who you're talking about.

Joey:My friend Stevie!

Rachel:Okay, but like... is Stevie a guy or a girl?

Joey:Yes.

Rachel:Okay, okay, I was wrong. You're right, the chair does have a personality.

Rachel:Hey there, mi amor. How are you doing today?

Rachel:What?! I can move a chair!

Joey:No, no, no, Rachel, wait—

Rachel:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Joey:I tried to tell you.

Rachel:You know what, Joey? Just... don't.

Monica:Oh my God, this is our house!

Monica:Ross, we need to talk to you about something important.

Ross:Oh my God, what? What happened?

Monica:We have some big news.

Ross:Okay, okay, I'm listening.

Monica:Well, it's actually—

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. Before you say anything, I need to know—did you use the good china or the everyday china when you set the table earlier?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just replace Rosita! She's been with us through thick and thin!

Rachel:Joey, it's a chair.

Joey:It's not just a chair, it's a friend. A friend who's been there for me. You don't just throw away a friend because they get a little worn out!

Joey:I can't believe he's gone. We had so many good times together.

Rachel:Joey, it's a chair.

Joey:Not just any chair, Rach. This was my chair. We've been through everything together.

Rachel:You know what? I think the chair is feeling a lot of guilt. Like maybe it wasn't a good enough chair for you.

Joey:You really think so?

Rachel:I think it's been carrying around this emotional baggage ever since that time you spilled coffee on it. It's never recovered from that trauma.

Joey:Oh man, I didn't know it was still upset about that!

Ross:Why would you let strangers into my room?

Monica:Because it's a museum exhibit. 'The Life and Times of a Paleontologist: A Study in Mediocrity.'

Monica:Why does Dad always get to do whatever he wants? He says he's going to the gym, and nobody questions it.

Jack Geller:That's right, I'm going to the gym.

Monica:Dad, your 'gym' is a tanning salon.

Monica:Do Mom and Dad love you as much as they love me?

Ross:Well, I'm a more interesting person, so... yes.

Phoebe:And then he didn't tip me at all! Can you believe that? I mean, I gave him a full hour massage.

Monica:Phoebe, that's terrible.

Phoebe:I know! And then my next client, same thing. No tip!

Rachel:Who were these people?

Phoebe:Well, one of them was this guy named... oh wait. That was you, Chandler.

Chandler:What?

Phoebe:And the other one was you, Joey.

Joey:Phoebe!

Phoebe:Well, I did phone sex for a while.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you knew about this?

Phoebe:Well, how do you think I got your number?

Phoebe:Yeah, telemarketing is easy. You just pick up the phone and talk to people. I can do that.

Phoebe:So what is toner anyway?

Rachel:Joey, what is all this stuff? Why is there a full garbage bag in the middle of your living room?

Joey:That's not garbage, that's my clean laundry.

Rachel:It's in a garbage bag.

Joey:Yeah, well, my hamper was full.

Rachel:Joey, the hamper is literally right there. Empty.

Joey:Oh, I know. But I was using it as a chair.

Rachel:I'm not going to be responsible for this. I didn't break it.

Rachel:Joey, tell them I didn't break the chair.

Jack:You know, watching a new family make memories together... it really warms my heart.

Jack:I hope I can scam them.

Jack:What's in all these boxes down here?

Monica:Oh, those are just some things I've collected over the years.

Jack:Collected? Monica, you have 47 teddy bears down here.

Monica:I loved playing restaurant as a kid.

Jack Geller:You mean when you'd make a mess in the kitchen and we'd have to clean it up?

Monica:I was not eating raw batter! I was... quality testing. It's a professional culinary technique.

Monica:You have to make sure the ingredients are fresh! What if the eggs were bad? What if the vanilla was expired?

Monica:I could have gotten very sick! So really, I was being responsible.

Ross:Whose cigarettes are these?

Jack:They're not mine! Please don't tell my wife. She doesn't know I know she smokes.

Ross:Look at these grades! A in biology, A in chemistry, A in physics...

Ross:...gym.

Jack:I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes...to keep the water away from the Porsche.

Jack · Ross:You don't secretly smoke, do you? No. So it's just your mother, then.

Man:I'm going to kill myself.

Phoebe:Oh my God, really? Because I have this amazing timeshare opportunity...

Chandler:So you'll talk to me instead of jumping?

Suicidal Man:Well, okay. But I can only give you ten minutes.

Chandler:Ten minutes? What, is suicide like a dental appointment?

Chandler:I work in Statistical Analysis and Data Reconfiguration.

Earl:Yeah, well, nobody knows what that means.

Chandler:I know.

Earl:Does anyone care that I'm leaving?

[silence]

Earl:Yeah, that's what I thought.

Chandler:I'm going to call this the Barcalounger.

Joey:That's not a name, that's a brand!

Chandler:Well, what do you call yours?

Joey:The Chair.

Joey:Wait, my chair is fixed? How is that possible?

Chandler:Maybe it healed itself. Chairs have that power.

Joey:Heal itself? Chandler, it's not sick, it's broken!

Chandler:Exactly. And now it's in remission.

Rachel:Joey, why is there a chair in the middle of the living room with all these candles around it?

Joey:Oh, that's not just a chair, Rach. That chair has negative energy. I'm cleansing it spiritually.

Rachel:It's a chair. It needs to be fixed, not blessed.

Joey:That's where you're wrong. See, furniture has a soul. If you don't heal the spirit, the wood will never be whole again.

Ross:My stuff is fine! It's not like Monica's apartment where things are just... growing new stuff.

Ross:Okay, okay, I won't show favoritism. I'll treat both my kids exactly the same.

Monica:That's great, Ross.

Ross:But... can someone at least tell me about Ben's special birth?

Chandler:It has speakers.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. This chair has speakers?

Joey:So I can just sit here and listen to music?

Joey:This is the greatest chair in the world!

Phoebe:No! Earl, don't do it! Your life has meaning! Think of all the people who love you!

Unknown Coworker:Wow, that's an incredible sales pitch. How much commission do you make?

Jack:You always carried this coloring book around.

Monica:That is not my coloring book. Look at this messy coloring! I would never color like this.

Monica:Why only my stuff? Why didn't you save any of yours?

Chandler:Well, I would have, but I was busy saving the important things.

Monica:What could be more important than my things?

Chandler:Well, my TV Guide collection, my old Playboys, and a half-eaten sandwich.

Monica:You chose the car over saving our memories?!

Jack:Well, the car had a really good sound system, and I've always wanted to drive a convertible with the wind in my hair.

Jack:I need a cigarette.

Jack:Where does Monica keep them?

Chandler:A recliner? Rachel, do you know what you're sitting on? That's not just a chair, that's a throne of comfort. That's the Lazy-Boy equivalent of owning a private jet. Next thing you know, you'll be wearing a smoking jacket and asking us to call you 'Your Majesty.'

Chandler:Oh, I know! Maybe if we all just clap our hands real hard, Tinkerbell will fix it!

Joey:That's not how it works, man. You gotta believe in fairies first.

Joey:Wait, what? There was no miracle? The chair didn't heal me?

Joey:Oh my God... oh my God, no... This is the worst day of my life.

Joey:Although... this is a really nice chair.

Phoebe:Hi, is Earl here?

Coworker:Earl? I don't know who that is.

Earl:I'm Earl. I've been sitting right here the whole time.

Coworker:Hmm, I still don't see anyone.

Earl:See? This is what I'm talking about. Nobody ever sees me.

Phoebe:It was fate that made me call you.

Earl:No, it was your finger.

Earl:So your mother killed herself?

Phoebe:Yeah.

Earl:How?

Phoebe:No! No, you don't get to know that!

Phoebe:See? That's fate! That's a sign!

Earl:Actually, that's just a coincidence.

Phoebe:No, no, no — coincidence is just fate's way of staying anonymous!

Phoebe:Okay, but don't you find it weird that our names rhyme? Phoebe, Chandler... no wait. Okay, Monica and... Monika? No. But what about Joey and... Doey? No, that's not a name. Okay, fine, but Ross and... Dross? That's a real word! Don't you see? It's cosmic significance!

Phoebe:Where are you from, Earl?

Earl:New York.

Phoebe:New York? Oh my God! I'm from New York! This is fate! We were meant to meet!

Earl:Do you really have goosebumps?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, it's just my skin getting ready to leave my body.

Earl:The universe cares about me. I'm connected to everything.

Coworker:That's great, Earl.

Earl:Yeah, I don't need anything else. The cosmos provides.

Earl:Wait, does anyone want to grab lunch?

Ross:That's your cashmere sweater.

Monica:Oh my God! My mother gave me that!

Monica:Dad, you never showed up to my school plays, you missed my graduation, you forgot my birthday for three years straight, and now you've brought a mouse into my apartment!

Jack:Monica, I'm giving you the Porsche because I realized I'm too old to be driving around in a sports car. People look at me and think I'm having a midlife crisis. At my age, it's not a midlife crisis anymore — it's just a life crisis.

Ross:Wait, Monica got an amazing gift for her loss? What did she get?

Monica:Chandler got me this beautiful necklace because he felt bad about what happened.

Ross:A necklace? For what, losing your job? I was born and all I got was this stupid medical degree and crushing student debt!

Monica:I'm getting a car?!

Monica:But I'm losing my chair? Oh no, not my chair!

Monica:Wait... I'm getting a car AND losing that hideous thing? Oh my God, this is the best day ever!