The Gang Beats Boggs: Ladies Reboot

Dee:Wade Boggs. He's a Hall of Fame baseball guy who drank 70 beers on a cross-country flight. We're gonna beat that record.

Charlie:I didn't know it was an all-female flight. That feels dangerous.

Mac:Can't smoke on an airplane. Goddamn, when's the last time you flew?

Dee:It's the same exact thing, but it's with women. Right? So it's a new idea.

Mac:Like some badass woman who could really throw them back? You know, Judy Garland, Liz Taylor... Joan Crawford... Betty Ford!

Dee:Those are all sad examples of alcohol abuse. The Boggs thing just feels more fun, you know? When women do it, it just feels sad.

Dee:Last time, Mac was commissioner, but I figured I could do that and participate because women are excellent multitaskers.

Mrs. Mac:How come the coloreds are allowed to sit up front with the whites and we're way back here?

Dee:Wow. I never heard you talk so much. Truly awful.

Mac:She ate all her nicotine patches already.

Dee:Ate them?! What? You're not supposed to eat them.

Mrs. Mac:Oh, no. Two women pilots. I'm getting out of here.

Dee:We're in mid-goddamn-air. You know what? Drink your beer. That'll calm your nerves.

Charlie:Why do women pee so much?

The Waitress:I'm an alcoholic.

Dee:Secretariat? The racehorse?

Artemis:I don't like that she was named after a secretary. She should be a boss.

Charlie:I don't get into this bathroom soon I'm gonna shit my pants!

Dee:Yes! Do it! See? That's what I'm talking about. Gross-out humor. It's like taking the original to the next level. Nobody expects that from women. It's so much more shocking, isn't it?

Dee:They don't check medical bags. See? The guys didn't do that last time. How's that for originality?

Artemis:Just, uh, crystals, worry dolls, dream catchers, labia rings... your basics.

Artemis:It's a land of sad, lonely, desperate women willing to pay any price for fake spirituality and clean orgasms.

Mrs. Mac:Ooh, I want to... I-I want to 'gasm.

Flight Attendant:How do I keep winding up with you people?

Dee:How come you're a man servant? Shouldn't there be a woman servant on an all-female flight?

Dee:Great. You're a soy boy beta cuck.

Dee:And you can put it on the Boggs account. Just make sure you keep all the ladies in the white tees lubricated.

Flight Attendant:Uh, in honor of the Women's March, we are serving pink wine. So we only have rosé.

Charlie:I just found out Secretariat was a boy. All racehorses are male. I know, because I find them so attractive.

Mrs. Mac:Pussies on the track.

Dee:I happen to know that tennis great Martina Navratilova drank 70 beers on a flight to L.A., only to wake up the next morning and beat her rival, Chris Evert, at the California Open.

Dee:So now we're gonna try to beat Martina Tinatinova...

Artemis:You can't just change one small specific and call it new.

Dee:I changed three! The wine... the athlete, and the bag!

Charlie:Oh, dear! Watching a woman do math scares me!

Mac:Man, it is sad that there are only chicks on this plane 'cause, I mean, I am all horned up.

Mac:Well, there is a-a male servant.

Dee:Oh, yeah? Hot?

Mac:No.

Dee:Soy boy beta cuck.

Dee:The only way to beat men is by competing against other women.

Artemis:And the goddess stone is for putting up your snatch.

Artemis:No, it's my special 'uni-tea.' Well, it's selling like hotcakes. It helps your prostate.

Dee:Women don't have a prostate, goddammit.

Artemis:Or is that what men want you to believe?

Artemis:This Boggs is busted, 'cause I'm doing my own thing now. And it's empowering and communal. Next level shit, right, ladies?

Artemis:Yeah, six is a yonic number, I'm cool with it.

Frank:I'm posting up. I figure a plane full of broads, there's gonna be a lot of horny women, so I'm like a spider waiting back here to catch some flies.

Frank:In every reboot you gotta have somebody from the original to make a cameo.

Frank:Want to rumble?

Mac:No, I don't, but I do want to beat Dennis, so just pop it in.

Dee:Oh, you better say cheese, buddy, 'cause you're about to go viral.

Gail:Heard you were doing the Boggs Soggs lady reboot thing. Did you lose my invitation?

Mrs. Mac:♪ When funny little men are walking down the golden road, Rainbows, rainbows and wine... ♪

Dee:That's because when women drink, it is depressing and sad.

The Waitress:I had sex in the bathroom with Frank, and now I'm in a shame spiral. I'm gonna drink myself to death.

Dee:Martina Navratilova? I never thought you'd give up when you're so close to beating the record.

Hallucination Martina:Now you're imagining me as Lori Petty in A League of Their Own. That was a good female reboot. No, it was its own thing.

Martina:I never drank 70 beers before winning the California Open. That's not even a real event.

Gail:I've been playing the game the whole time. You're one behind me, loser.

Artemis:That tea that I served was spiked with ayahuasca.

Artemis:It's coming out both ends. The maximum gross-out. So nobody saw that coming from women.

We're in North Dakota. And only those passengers deemed fit to fly will go on to Los Angeles. And you're not one of them.

And only those passengers deemed fit to fly will go on to Los Angeles. And you're not one of them.

Meh.