Charlie Kelly

We're cool! / Not cool? / Try to be cool. / Sometimes you're not too cool. / Always cool, man.

Domino, bitch!

Maybe it's comments like that. / I meant those people in there, not all black people.

He said that Janell punched me in my eye! She's got a hell of a right hand. She also said if she ever saw me again, she was going to slit my throat.

It's not that they like us. It's that they don't like you. You know why? Uh, because you're an asshole!

It's not that they like us. It's that they don't like you. You know why? Uh, because you're an asshole!

Oh. You had an experiment, and you want to go back to the way it was before the experiment. - Interesting. - The bar. We had our experiment with the bar.

Yeah! That's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye! - Charlie! That's my sister.

How's that ass feelin'?

Come to Philly for the crack - It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it

Well, excuse me if all my T-shirts don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel

I mean, I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know? - Like be there for him? - No. Get her an abortion.

I wanna go to the mall! He's biting my hand! He's biting my hand!

Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours? Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

God! All right. So can I still take him out on Saturday?

This kid reeks of booze! Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.

Maybe that's why you don't have a dad anymore!

Why? Why?

And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking. I guess.

I don't know how you guys live with yourselves. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Tim Murphy slept with your prom date! Oh. He's getting sad now. Oh, no. There's, like, watering in the eyes. Now he's running away.

Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done! I know. I'm gonna be sick.

I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue, Charlie. This is made for, like, kindergartners or something. We don't want safe. We want toxic.

Kind of a lame party, bro. Uh, what do you think? Should we jet? Yeah. This doesn't feel right.

Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird. That girl Sara asked me too.

That dude is going to bang your sister, bro.

They were actually using you two to make each other jealous.

That dude's gonna bang your prom date, bro.

Just like high school.

No. Yeah, it's... I found out I might have cancer, so ooh.

What time are... are you getting off of work? - It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever.

I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know?

Here's the thing though... about cancer. I don't have it.

Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

We didn't have sex.

He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype.

Mac gets a boner every single time he thinks about a gun.

Would you like a Rice Krispie treat?

I placed a couple bad investments!

I just needed it.

I have my ways.

Sometimes I can't understand you. You're talking, but I don't understand you.

I'm shot! - Charlie? Oh, my God! - Did you shoot me, Dennis? - Why did you shoot me?

I'm shot!

You shot me, dude.

You shot me, dude. - But, Charlie, you were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake.

I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies going on around town. Then we would collect some insurance money

Oh, my God. He shit his pants, Dee.

Tell you what. I'll get the gasoline. We're not gonna burn it. Come on, dude. You never let me burn anything.

A scientist? That's, like, science talk. Science talk? What the hell is science talk?

I'll tell you what. I'll go with you... but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want. No. Every now and then. No. One time. All right. And... you have to take me to lunch... twice a week for a year. No, I don't. Once a week. Today. Okay.

Uh, it's probably urine and maybe some feces.

This is unbelievable! I know that! There are, like, so many medals in there, dude! This guy was probably, like, king Nazi.

This is unbelievable! - I know that! There are, like, so many medals in there, dude!

He looks exactly like Dennis. I know.

How much will you give us for it? Nothing. Nothing, or... I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

Yeah. But it just seems like a waste of a perfectly good Nazi uniform.

Auf Wiedersehen. Auf Wiedersehen, my friend.

Charlie's panicked response to being asked about Coach Murray: 'What? No. Yes, he did. We were in the same class. No. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't like it though.'

Charlie suddenly runs away: 'I gotta go!'

I'm not gonna walk in front of you! Go. / Just come in. / No, you go first, and I will follow you.

The anatomically correct doll reveal and family's reactions

Okay, Charlie, show us on the doll. Show you what? Where he touched you.

Sodomy.

Charlie's betrayal: 'Great. I just ratted you out.'

Great. I just ratted you out. / Can I see you two boys for a minute, please?

Charlie's dark conclusion: 'everybody thinks that I've been molested. So, in a way, my life is ruined.'

Well, that was awkward. / Yes, it was. / Sort of a private conversation.

Uh, my best friend ran me over with his car.

Yeah, yeah. Check under my bed or under one of my pillows.

People give you free shit, and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street.

I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. / I am not ugly.

You made me sleep out in the hall. You ignored my cries for help in the middle of the night. I'll pay for your rent for six months. Twelve. Six. Ten. Six. Nine. Six. Ten. Six. Twelve. Four. Six. Deal.

Yeah, with this! I mean, the whole thing is... This is good as gold.

Frank keeps coming in. He swoops in, he takes my chicks. He doesn't care about me. What kind of a guy does that?

Like I'm a piece of crap. Like I belong on the street. Like I'm some kind of piece of dirt.

I rigged it up. It's like... I'm really using my hands, but they don't know it.

Well, that's a tough situation you got over there. / You got that whole tsunami... / No? / Well, the Superdome thing that... / Charlie. / No, there's no Superdome. / It's one of those places over there.

A grilled Charlie has peanut butter last. Okay, either inside or outside. Peanut butter outside. Chocolate inside. Butter inside. Cheese outside.

Where are your balls, dude? Where are your balls? You're a grown man. Think about your balls. Where are your balls? / Charlie, don't talk about my balls. / I can't even mention your balls around you.

Burn. There you go, buddy. / Unbelievable, dude. You're on fire. / Beautiful.

Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days. / Beautiful.

Jewish, okay? He's Jewish. Don't use the word 'Jew.' / I don't appreciate that. / That is a racial slur, Charlie, and... / Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew is not a racial slur.

Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew is not a racial slur... It's about the context. If you use the right context... you're good.

Well, okay. There's a war on terror, Charlie. / Have you ever seen CNN? / Okay. George Bush right now... / Well, start from the beginning. / Saddam Hussein has the oil. / We have decided to help the people of Israel... To give our oil back to us... By defeating Saddam Hussein.

My head is, like, swelling with knowledge. / With wonderful knowledge.

Because they stamp it out and they get poop all over their shoes. Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.

Let's throw a flaming bag of poop in the window. / What? Why? / Because they stamp it out and they get poop all over their shoes. / What in the hell is that going to accomplish? / Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.

This Jew's in for a ton of work. Oh! Whoa. What? You dropped a hard 'J' on us.

Visual: Gang discovers Ari has walled them into their own bar with a fence

Squeeze through there. / It gets thinner, Dennis! Wait! Don't push me! / Wait, wait, wait! My toe's caught in the fence! / Go back! / That's fine. Just go back. Just go back. / I can't move!

Cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing, dude? That's what those tapes sound like.

Why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun?

Why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun?

We can't send this. / Nope. / What are you guys talking about? / We're gonna get arrested. / Yeah, or murdered. This is a little too extreme, Charlie.

I have better aim than you. I should throw the bag of poop. / Dude, I sat over the bag for 20 minutes. I'm throwing it.

I have better aim than you. I should throw the bag of poop. Dude, I sat over the bag for 20 minutes. I'm throwing it.

Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang. / No! Charlie... / Charlie, shut your mouth! / Why can't you just die and leave your money to your kids like normal parents of America?

Feel sorry for me! I got the grout.

Goddamn it! Why can you not lift your end? I don't know, dude. Let me figure out what is happening.

Of course I'm lifting with my back. I think your end is lighter. The balls have rolled down to this end.

Look at me. I'm broken, dude. Look, I'm...

Right, right. So what's the vig? The vig? Yeah, man. You know, what's... what's the vig on this action here? Do you even know what 'vig' means?

We hire a couple people, pay them nothing, and get them to do all of our work for us! We pay them nothing! That's incredible!

Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one! / It's the name of almost every game / Because we understand the plight of the worker

There have been slaves of many different races. There's been Jewish slaves. I mean, uh, Italian, uh...

I'm not saying that because he's black. He's asleep in his chair.

That's like reverse affirmative action, dude. You could cheat yourself out of a good slave here.

This one. It's got to be that guy. Don't say 'this one.'

I'm gonna get nice and drunk, play some video games until my eyes bleed / Me too. I want to play Charlie

The three of us go outside, throw the pigskin around, play some two-hand touch. I'll teach you how to play. I already know how to play. Not properly though.

Frank's been hiding all of his money in my account. Uh, it's got something to do with the vig. What's a vig?

Here's some for you! Here's some for you! And here's some for you!

We got a big problem here, buddy / The services have already been rendered. We gotta pay these girls / I'm calling Hector / Don't call Hector or Wallace or any other large pimp

This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management. That's why I did it.

An opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right? You'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Looks like we got a blown fuse in here. Better get on that. Blown fuses count as Charlie work.

It doesn't 'un-bang' your mom. You gotta do something worse... You're gonna have to bang Mac's mom.

I'm gonna stab his face off. No, stabbing's bad. You need to do something worse... You gotta sleep with Charlie.

Time out. Is the truck parked in neutral?

And a Ford F-150. Right. In park, but no emergency brake. Maybe I could pull it four feet.

Charlie, you're, like, the toughest guy we know. Yeah? So nobody can kick your ass, right? Practically invincible.

Now it's becoming this whole big thing. It feels a little gay. It's not gay. Just take your shirt off. It's not gay.

Why can't I just get, like, all excited and passionately rip it off in the moment?

What's that made out of? It's a board, so it's, you know, made out of wood. It's, like, particle board. It's, like, harder than wood, dude. No. It's actually softer than wood.

I wasn't drunk enough. You should be drunk for this. We should all be drunk for this.

What? It's like 11:00 in the morning here. We don't care. Open the door. Surprise, bitch.

Hey! Guys! I can handle a chair. Go get a chair. See what you're doing to him? You're getting him all worked up.

Every time I'm gonna take... Why can't you just take it off? Just take it off. You're ruining the moment.

I might have had some. What did you just say, you little bitch? I might have had some of your pills or whatever.

I might have had some of your pills or whatever. / Oh, yeah? / I am gonna punch a hole through your face.

I am gonna punch a hole through your face. I'd like to see you try that. I am gonna rip your face off... Make a shirt out of it, and I'm gonna wear it.

I'm gonna take one second to take my shirt off, and then you're gonna die!

Those mimosas were like eight bucks a pop, Charlie. / Well, you had like seven of'em.

If you don't go, me and Mac and Charlie, we're gonna sell our portion of the bar. / No, we're not. / No, that's not happening. / Just back me up on this. / No, I can't really back you up.

I'm not an alcoholic actually. Yeah, I'm only here 'cause I got a little drunk and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building and I burnt it down a little bit.

I wasn't trying to burn it down. I was trying to make the place smell real bad and get rid of this guy.

Charlie, are you here to try to have sex with me? / I can't believe you could ask me a question like that in my time of need.

maybe I'll just get a little comfortable and I won't talk, and you can just kinda... / Just watch your feet on the... / I'll take my shoes off. / No. Just don't take your shoes off.

You ever... You ever owned a dog? Do you want a dog? This thing is cozy.

You gotta... 'Cause what if I start drinking again? / That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Charlie, what are you doing? / I volunteered. / Let's play some ball. / Oh, my God.

Yeah, I am drunk. You know why? I don't have a sponsor anymore!

You call this game! This game is over! / You got a problem? Button that lip! / Don't tell me to button my lip! / Is that a threat? / Yeah, that's a threat!

Get out of here! You're in the showers!

I found some extensive water damage in the back office

maybe I'm not such a bad guy... for passing out in there and drinking too much or whatever

Taking advantage of the mother of God. Are you kidding me? That is a water stain, man.

Could you bless me, please?... In the name of the Father, the Son, Holy Spirit. Amen.

I may have saved that poor, wretched old person's life

you could be my Peter... Dress a little nicer though, 'cause you look like shit

What are you doing? - What is that? - Why are you dressed like this? - Come on. It's perfect. I told you to dress nice. We look like salt and pepper shakers.

We look like salt and pepper shakers

I don't know who my father is... so am I the messiah?

Let's go toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch. / Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.

But what's in between the lines? / What's in between the lines is that he has to take off his damn sandals because it's sacred ground. / No! Sacred ground? Sacred ground? God doesn't worship the ground. God made the ground.

God doesn't think Moses is gonna do it... God is gonna reward him with some sweet-ass shoes

Trust in God, he'll give you shoes

You know what would make you feel better? You wanna tea-bag Dennis?

These things are hilarious. - These are priceless. - What are you guys lookin'at? - Uh, Garbage Pail Kids. - Heavin' Steven.

Are those those stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things? Uh, no. They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

No. These are, like, an investment. This is my future here, so don't mess with them.

South Philly, Zone 2, District 37 Comptroller. - Nice. What's a comptroller?

You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area. - Five head.

What does an intern do? - Cut limes. - Stock glasses. - Serve drinks.

Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac as campaign manager... raise their hand. - The people have spoken. You're out.

You gotta be shakin' hands. You gotta be kissin' babies. - I don't like babies.

We're gonna shoot a commercial, get it on public access, get the message out. - It's a million-dollar bill pal.

I could be a legitimate politician. - Really do some good in Philadelphia. - You've never done any good for anybody ever! - You're just jealous!

Did you just lock this door? - Yes, I did. - That's politics, bitch.

Dude, you and my dad share this futon? - No. No, we... No, we got a whole different situation worked out.

I can't read these words. They're not in the right order. - I think you might be dyslexic.

You clearly have a learning disability, dude.

Not gonna happen. I want that tape. - I'm gonna need you to beg. - You gotta beg.

I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you. - Well, that was stupid.

I need to make Dennis disappear. - Ah! Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about. - Really? - I was thinkin' that same thing, man.

If we used piano wire on him for a sec... As long as we hurt him a little bit...

You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

You're practically a Vietcong.

We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Oh, dude. This is just an acting gig. Like, I'm not really part of any cause.

Before I go America all over your ass!

Well, maybe for a small, fat person. Not for an actor.

It blocks the babies out.

Looks like Jonestown.

Don't tread on me.

Get out of here! Get out of here! If you come to this bar, you're gonna get cancer and die! Attica! Attica!

I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man. But any time you wanna stab me, it'd be really great for me.

Whose fault is that, Captain America?

So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.

Computers are for losers.

Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

This is bullshit! You guys have two dads, and I don't even have one.

That does count! I never met my father!

This is our chance to get hard. / I want to get very, very hard.

Do you want to shove heroin into your ass? / I don't want to shove anything in my ass.

Oh, we are getting so hard. It's, like... Whew!

then we promise we will come back with our butts filled. / Oh, so filled. So filled for you.

You want to huff some of this glue with me? / This is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!

So did you. / How is that different? / I don't know, Charlie! Focus!

Can I help you? / Can I help you? / Can I help you?

What the hell was that shit? What did you do? / I freaked out.

Blood! Blood! There's so much blood! / We bashed him good! / I think we killed him.

It's gonna be that big? / Absolutely. You ready? Drop those pants.

Dad?

Charlie: 'You're not good at that.' Dennis: 'I can do good. I am capable of doing good.'

Charlie's escalating rant about throwaway culture from Big Gulps to babies

Charlie interrupting himself: 'I'd like to know whether or not I share a bed with my father!'

Charlie's sword description: 'You could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing!'

Charlie: 'It's the sweet, sweet trash.'

Charlie: 'People don't appreciate their trash, Frank.'

Charlie and Frank getting excited about 'Electrics!'

Charlie's coat protection theory: 'This is the coat that's gonna protect my other coat.'

Charlie's philosophy: 'Frank, we start getting rid of this, we're gonna just like the wasters out there.'

Charlie and Frank deciding to hide in the dumpster during rain

Ransom note: 'Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.'

Charlie's complex theory about Frank and the waitress's 'love child' and his 'half brother'

Charlie's rant: 'You threw your babies away! And you threw your swords away! You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats!'

Charlie's dramatic revelation: 'I'm an abortion survivor, Dad! I survived the abortion, Dad!'

Shut up! Shut up! Oh, my God! I don't care! All we're doing is arguing about the most stupid shit

Green Man was good. It got me through some hard times. But I'm done with it.

Want to drop some acid with me? What? You're dropping acid? Mmm. Woodstock, baby.

I like your mustache. Oh. Thank you. Hmm. I can't grow one. Okay. That's a pretty sweet cape. Thank you. My mom made it. Hmm. She did a very good job. Yeah. She's talented.

Classic mistake, Frank. You're making a classic mistake, bro. Just shut up and sit in your stupid chair. It's your funeral, buddy.

The McPoyle brothers. Hello, Charles. What the hell are you guys doing here? We came to support our brother Doyle. He's gonna make the Eagles.

What is that a jar of? Pig parts. How many can there possibly be? Oh, good to see her again. Good. She doesn't know what I'm saying, right?

They've got thin corneas. What is that? A fife? You brought your little flute.

That was not Donovan McNabb! That was not Donovan McNabb! Yes, it was. It was like a McDonald's plug. Was that the guy from The Cosby Show? That's not the guy from... Yeah. He was married to Sondra. Alvin. Alvin.

I did not take any acid. Remember? Oh, yeah, you did. What are you talking about? I put a shitload of it in your beer. What? Yeah. Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating... I drank all that shit, dude!

That's okay. There was, like, a ton of acid in there! Yeah. Why would you do that? I don't want to be the only one tripping.

What is going on with his head? It's too small or tight or something. Yeah, that's it. His skin's too tight. My skin's not tight.

What is going on with his head? It's too small or tight or something. Yeah, that's it. His skin's too tight.

You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.

Let's just throw them at her regardless. Start running. 'Cause we're coming. Ten, nine, eight...

It's her middle school diary, dude. Who gives a shit? This is her diary, man. It's got all her secrets and shit in here!

We are not reading Dee's middle school diary to you, bro! Look, we need to start the healing process. I'm devastated over here.

Dooley! Call Dooley. Dooley loves a good party! Dooley in the house! Yeah. Dooley killed himself.

How about, uh... Let's call Stash! What did you do? I set him on fire. Son of a bitch. All right, forget him.

Wait a minute. What are we saying? We got no friends? Looks like it, right? Wow, that hits home.

If we were to all die suddenly just like my mom did... we would have nobody left to mourn us. We would have no one left behind us to tell of our great adventures and our glorious triumphs.

You're not fat, dude. Yeah. You're also not funny. I want somebody who does observational humor.

What about a bicep? A bicep would really do it. Is this a penis? A... penis? No. It's a bicep.

I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart. Yeah. All right, dude. Dude, isn't that guy awesome or what? He's like a poet.

You knew? You knew that it was a dick? Well, yeah. I thought we changed it. It was always meant to be a bicep. If you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins.

You're gonna tell everybody how we're like those guys from Jackass. How we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses. You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes!

Have you ever been scorned, Charlie? Uh, like all day, every day, dude. Then you should think of this little girl as your soul mate of pain.

Why are you guys doing this? That's what friends do to each other, bro. No, it isn't! My mom just died. Can you have a little compassion? The least you could do is let us throw your buddy off the roof!

You're the most horrible people alive. Oh, come on. Oh, that's a little bit going overboard. That's a lot. That's a lot to say.

Well, at least we still have Ernesto. Yeah, whoops. No, no. He robbed your house. Oh, son of a bitch.

Mac, can an asshole rip in half? Like tissue paper.

He had a great life. Yeah. Sure. He had a full, full, good ride. Oh, a fantastic ride. I had a terrible ride. Charlie, you had the worst ride. You deserve another shot at the ride. I want a better ride. Oh, you oughta ride and ride.

It's making me crazy, dude. Hold on. Oh, my God. He's burning up. Sit down. You gotta sit down. Oh, God. I'm getting sick.

So, guys, do you mind if I grab a couple of beers? I feel we would be a lot more relaxed if we had some beers. Oh, and a cooler! Get a cooler. We're gonna want to keep the beers cold.

If here by now... then bad place be. Trouble time for you... when heat comes.

You should be paying attention, Charlie, because this could be very good for you. Come on, come on. You're losin' me. Oh, my God.

With Frank dead, the will gone, Charlie gets all the money. I get all the money? What money?

Where's the real map? The real map is tattooed on my body. Get outta here. Where? Right here.

I can't see anything. Look closer. What do you see? Nothing. What do you smell? Oh, my God! Really? You fart in my face?

Why? 'Cause you stole my map, and Frank's in the vents! You're lyin', we could die, and I never got to fart in your face before!

So once the McPoyles take out Dennis, Dee and Frank... Yeah. Then you and I will split the money right down the middle. Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh. That's kind of a lot, don't you think? I'll tell you what. I'll give you 25%.

Frank has to die. Gotta kill Frank. Gotta kill him somehow.

But that goddamn Mac, he... Then tell me, Frank. What do you think about... this?

Bye, Dad!

Yippie-kayyay, Mr. Fuckin'... Brother!

I've been sewing my clothes back together for, like, almost my entire life.

Come on. I steal lots of things. You don't have to get all huffy about it.

Dee's designing a dress to put her old nerd friend back in her place.

Whoa. Wait. Has that chair been dipped in gold?

Why does she have light bulbs growing out of her neck? Light bulbs? What? Those are shoulder pads.

The pretty lady gets naked, of course. And I help her into the prototype.

And then just, boom, we're into it. And it's hot and it's passionate. Then it's just me and you, babe, all night long.

Charlie, sit. Don't tell me to sit, dude. You want a treat? Yeah. Yeah? You sure? You want some? Yeah. Wait for it. Sit. Shake. Speak. I would like some jerky, please.

They're running this place like a concentration camp.

That's the bad Korea. They're the sneaky, bad Korea, man. The ones on the top and they sneak down and they eat everybody's pets.

They're enriching the beers, Charlie. They're enriching their beer. That's definitely enriched beer. That's an enriched beer, dude.

How old was that bartender? Was she 16 or 60? You can't tell. You have no Idea. They're timeless. They're endless and timeless.

The one marked 'pirate'? You think a pirate lives in there?

I'm gonna see if it's gonna work here. That's not gonna work! Why not? We're not at your apartment, shithead!

How many possible lock combinations can there be? Oh, so many, dude! Like hundreds of millions. Well, eventually they're gonna overlap.

You're messin' with the wrong country, pal! That's an act of aggression right there, buddy!

Every Asian know martial arts? They have to learn it when they grow up. That's right. It's like school.

He's has slaves in there? What kind of a communist dictatorship... is this piece of shit running?

You beer, me trash, okay? I beer, you trash! I trash, yes!

So you saw me eat that Hot Pocket I found in the garbage? Yes. Any thoughts on that? No.

We both think kissing's gross. How is kissing gross? You know, we just don't like it, you know? Probably, it's... Sticky. Is it sticky? It's, like, there's candy and beer in your mouth.

She's only 12 years old! What? You're just 12? Twelve, Charlie! Oh, shit. That actually explains a lot.

Well, I feel better about myself. Why? Uh, all I did was sleep with... a toothless, oily busboy for a recipe. Charlie banged a 12 year old. No, I didn't.

There is definitely a helicopter pad on the roof of this building... Every single one of these corporate buildings has a helipad on the roof.

What is he escaping from? Secret tunnels then.

Secret tunnels, a monorail system and a helipad.

Let's sell this piece-of-shit bar... See ya later, piece of shit!

I'd love to be wooed. I could go for some wood... We'll get some wood. We'll build something cool.

Something like where those American soldiers are raising that flag up in that one war. The war where we saved Japan. Oh, correct. Hiroshima.

Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land where jobs grow on jobbies?

if they start to get empty, I'll just grab some from other tables... Yeah, which makes my job easier... You actually have to follow the rules.

You're pretty weird, you make me feel uncomfortable, and you smell really bad... You say that, but I don't... I don't see it.

I use the same bill for two tables, and I pocket the cash for the other one. That's stealing. I know.

Things move very quickly here at the Oldies Rock Café.

You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats. / That was what was happening! That's what was going on in the world, man! That was the truth. We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

God, that is so strange. Ew. Should I turn it off? No! Well, don't jump to... We'll just keep it on for a little bit.

We're gonna go down to the power plant and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer. / Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! / He's making it up, Charlie.

Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? These places are like prisons. / Like people getting assraped? / What? Oh, my God, dude. No, not like people getting assraped.

Is there anything about this place that you don't like? / The blacks. / Cut! Cut that!

How are you sweating so much? It's freezing! / It's freezing! Yeah. They try to keep them alive. Because meat spoils slower in a fridge. So they keep it cold.

Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground! / We're not setting a nursing home on fire! / Those curtains would go up like a snap.

Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop. Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers. / There's the guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! He wears the big, straw hat.

They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like. They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate.

A pandemic. Bird flu! Bird flu! / I think he's choking, guys. / What? He is choking! / Frank, give him the Heimlich! / I'm not gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got.

You got that, right, Charlie? / Yeah. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank. / I did point the camera at it. But you know what? I did not put a tape in here.

The problem was that I got the flashlight on. And I taped the whole deal up. I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in. I didn't have much more duct tape. So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it.

Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac / Yes, it's Mac It's Mac. / And he's on the channel whatever we make it on news

Are you gonna set the building on fire? / No! Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? / Yes. Goddamn it!

I'm on fire! I'm on fire! / Well, I do look really heroic. / No, you do not look heroic! You threw the box of kittens.

Hey! There you go. She throws the kittens in every take. / Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism. / Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! / We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.

The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that other than the fact that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.

Lil' Jeff. Lil' Joe. It's was, like, Jonathan, Little Michael. Lil' Kev? Little... Lil' Kev.

You never know though. He could have, like, a little hand or a little foot or something.

Any way that I can be in the back of the stage... or, like, behind some kind of curtain?

You're not listening to what I'm saying, are you? Totally.

Well, then huff some glue, bro. Oh, I've been huffing glue, guys.

That's your good chair? Yeah. It's covered in bird shit. No. That's toothpaste, man. That's clearly bird shit. No, it's not. It's toothpaste. Do you even own a toothbrush?

What? Glue is for huffing, dude. Get me the glue! It's a part of his process.

Is this a page from a coloring book? No, dude. That's 'Night Man.' Those are lyrics.

Night Man sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams

It sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you. What, dude? Where are you getting that from?

One on top and one on bottom, One inside and one is out, One is screamin' He's so happy, The other's screamin' a passionate shout

Day Man. Fighter of the Night Man. Champion of the Sun. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone

You're a master of karate / And friendship for everyone

I don't think he's retarded. Mmmmm.

You want to be a lawyer? Don't you think you should know how to read or write?

Objection. Hearsay. That's lawyer talk. That's the kind of stuff you have to do.

These are different clothes. Where'd you get those scratches on your neck?

You can't just torture someone 'cause you think they're guilty. Oh, don't give me that liberal bullshit.

Let's carve our best friend to pieces with a chain saw based on a hunch.

Hold it closer to your face and look really crazy. Like I'm killing somebody?

Objection. Extremely racist, man.

I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal.

Well, that's good. She won't be a problem. She ain't gonna tell anybody.

Deny, deny, deny, deny. You just deny it. Deny it to the end. If you deny something, it means it never happened.

And then I do some moves. What the hell does that have anything to do with what we're talking about?

Move to strike. Wait a minute. What are you talking about? Ask her fair questions!

You think your son's out there killing people? Yeah.

Uh, more ripped. Strike that. Jacked. Irrelevant. Toned. Exaggeration. I work out. I'll allow it.

Charlie attempting to break the world record for holding breath while Frank ignores burning food to watch

Charlie gasping 'I gotta breathe, man' and Frank yelling 'No, Charlie, don't breathe! One more minute!'

Charlie promising Frank won't find a bang maid 'cause there's no such thing' and Frank responding 'I already did. Your mom'

Charlie questioning why Mac is using jars for boxed wine: 'Seems to me like it'd be easier to steal the box than jars of liquid'

Charlie claiming 'I took a crap in yours' and Mac frantically clarifying 'Charlie did not crap into anybody's food'

Charlie calling his mother 'one hell of a whore of a man-stealing woman!'

Charlie promoting Luther: 'he happens to be a very successful drug dealer... beautiful blue eyes that just pop right out of his head... The man doesn't blink'

Charlie's emotional breakdown: 'This is about dudes living together, hanging out, sharing their bed and their life... This is about happy boys!'

Charlie's panicked reasoning: 'You don't eat someone 'cause they don't have heroin in their ass!'

The elaborate disposal debate - kids with shovels, fume situations, solving society's drug problem

We're saying we're gonna do the drugs... and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights.

You guys, those drugs were worth 25 grand!... Oh, dude... a one, a two... a $300!

I was using 'Dead Presidents' as a cover... He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people... From history times.

I was using 'Dead Presidents' as a cover. You didn't get that? He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

The economy is in shambles. Have you taken a close look at the marketplace right now? The NASDAQ! Dow Jones! It's up then down.

I'll do it... Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth... Mac, you're too low class... I was thinking about Dennis.

Holy shit. Did you guys see that midget dressed like a lawn jockey? That's a jockey, Charlie... That's a real jockey. The ones that ride on the horses...

Holy shit. You can talk? I would've figured if anything, your voice would be like super high.

Holy shit. You can talk?

I would've figured if anything, your voice would be like super high.

Ah, you know what they say. Nobody parties like a jockey! I was not familiar with that expression, Buster.

I think maybe... I was a centaur in my past life... Well, something tells me you probably were never half-man, half-horse.

So come on, you old son of a gun and let Buster do a line off your boner.

Dude, I think I was a centaur in my past life... You smell like cheese... It's horse shit... The horse was eating a lot of cheese.

Dude, I think I was a centaur in my past life. It totally occurred to me.

Well, then I guess cocaine is weightless, all right? I'm gonna file that up here actually.

What are you, a cat? Use a towel. My mouth's right here.

Every ho needs his pimp.

I'm pretty sure those jockeys are raping that horse. They're raping the shit out of it.

Rub it all over your gums, Dee. All over your gums. It's like my mouth is no longer a part of my head.

A little dip into our Bolivian marching powder, then we're back on the street.

Rickety Cricket! That's Rickety Cricket! Rickety! Rickety Cricket! Rickety!

We would do it, but we're not street urchins. Yeah, man. Yeah. Know what I mean? But you. They would buy drugs from a street urchin like yourself.

Hypothetically speaking here... do you think you could teach a horse to sit on a barstool and drink beer?

This is more money than we make at the bar. I have never seen this much money in one spot.

I can get a horse. You're not gonna get a horse, Charlie. We can have some coke then. She likes Swiss! I knew it! I pictured Swiss.

Is it any crazier than having a dog that bites or sheds? Or a cat that poops in a box while it's biting you?

You 'sold' our drug money on two garbage cans? These are trash cans, Cricket! These are trash cans? Then why do they sound like this?

Who's Peter Nincompoop? I rode it here. What do you think?

How did that get here? I rode it here. What do you think?

Go, Peter Nincompoop! I love you, Peter Nincompoop.

Go, Peter Nincompoop! I love you, Peter Nincompoop.

And when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! No! No! We are not gonna come out blasting!

You guys, you gotta make it sexy... hips and nips. Otherwise, I'm not eatin'.

We should get a junkyard dog. A really mean, nasty junkyard dog. We'll chain him up in the alley.

You didn't get me one? You guys know how I love dressing up in costumes. Dude, that's bullshit.

It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat. He has a name... Agent Jack Bauer.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico. I'm gonna be Al Pacino... Nobody cares. Get in there. You're gonna ruin it.

You like just crossin' the street whenever you want, makin' up your own laws? I'm sorry... You ought to be sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy. You gonna give me a ticket? That depends on how much money you got in your wallet.

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.

Look, guys, we're cops. All right? We're not out here to bribe people. Will you stop doing that stupid voice? What are you doin'? I told you I was gonna do Pacino.

Oh, you're gonna do Christopher Walken now? I'm not doing Christopher Walken. I'm walking from the situation.

Stop playing with your stupid tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms. That's not a... Charlie, clean the bathroom.

Spin Doctors mix? I taped over the Spin Doctors mix.

Oh, I get it. You're one of them, huh? A crooked cop. Yeah, I get it! Everybody's a crooked cop, huh? Am I the only cop left in Philadelphia who ain't crooked?

Oh, I see what's happening. You wanna come at Serpico, huh? Who wants a place of Serpico? 'Cause I'll give It to you.

We were supposed to be cops. We were supposed to care about justice, and it got to your head.

I doused the whole car full of gasoline.

Okay, Mr. Mayor. Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.

I put the bar under the 'Pride' section... things that you're proud of. It's a 'Z,' Charlie! Prize!

Eighth grade dance competition. I won to this song.

We should kick him in the dick!

You've never seen me wash my testicles, but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

That's glitter. I tried to make myself look a little fancy for this dance competition.

Oh, this is great, Dee. I mean, this is so restful. I'm really building up my reserves for later, you know?

Nervous that you're gonna be ranked number one when this whole thing goes down. You think so? Absolutely!

And you're, like, made of cream, and your cream is all over his face, man.

Engaged is just a word. It doesn't have any meaning. No, it's a very serious word.

The cream always rises to the top. And I'm about to show you the white-hot cream of an eighth-grade boy.

Karate... snow machine... chop set... What's with the chopping? I'm chopping all over my action. And mostly power.

What I did, I slopped through the radiator for minute... not warmed it.

Yeah, ok... You're so stupid!... Well, thank you for the human meat, Frank. Thank you for our human meat... It was delicious.

I got a guy... You got a human meat guy?... I got a guide for everything, Charlie.

That wasn't human meat though, right? No~~~!

I couldn't sleep last night, could you?... And I'll tell you why... Yesterday.

Hey. We got monkey. Oh. Well, we'll look at that. Great! Uh, one monkey also then, please.

That's how you become a cannibal, Dee. Like, you get one taste of delicious, delicious human meat, none of these stuff ever satisfies you, ever again for the rest of your life.

Well, then I guess Jaws IV is stupid, ok? 'cause that's exact same plot.

I think we need to try a piece of human flesh... The morgue? Hear me out... I got a hot plate.

The hot plate is.. because.. our friend was a.. a chef... of small.. many small items on hot plate... Right, right, right. Look, I respect the act. I'll give you guys the same deal like I gave every else. 15 bucks get you 10 minutes alone with the bodies.

It's not because he's black, though, right?... No! What, no! I still think so, no!... It's because he's dead, right?... Good, good, good. Now, I got a question for you. We're racist if we don't eat this guy?

I generally, I don't eat dark meat. No, I've preferred the white meat. I always have... The problem is I'm gonna have a really hard time for both cannibals and racist.

Cannibalism? Racism, Dee? That's not for us. You know, those are the decisions that're best left to the suits on Washington.

Dee, would you calm down? You're eating that cheese steak like a some kind of giant bird, you know?

We gotta find a guy. We gotta kill that guy, and we gotta eat it. Somebody, little rotten maybe... Someone no in the world could ever care about.

If we don't eat this kid, we're gonna die. You know it... but it's wrong to do it... Damn it! Damn it! So, you're gonna eat that kid.

I gotta chop off that pieces of that fellow calf muscle of yours, Frank. And I'm gonna eat it.

Well, because, you know, electricity's so expensive, man. So I figured let's get a generator and, you know, run the bar on it.

No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, Charlie's the wild card. / Oh! That's awesome. / Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup.

Yeah, man, if the guy doesn't seem like he's going for it, I'll show him this, uh, big-breasted women chart... and that'll win him over.

Charlie makes an incomprehensible wild card face

And you want him to think that you're going to take a dump or...? / Seriously, that's what that looks like?

Wait for it... / Gasoline. / Excuse me. / Don't rush me. / Don't rush him.

These are gorgeous women with heaving breasts. / Yeah. Why? / Well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...

My boss is a woman. / Really? / Your boss is a woman? / Now, this is a strange bank.

Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex? / What are you doing, hmm? / I'm pulling a wild card here, man, so...

You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off, that should be a rule. Can that be a rule? / Yes, that's a rule. / Oh, yeah?! Oh, yeah?! Back off! / Wild card, baby!

Stop now. You can't do this. / Come on, man. / Only cars. / So help me God, I'll blow this place to kingdom come.

Plus I have swallowed a good deal of it. It's just a damn waste.

You're about to experience the hard knocks of a free market, bitch. Get ready to feel it where it hurts. / Your dick. / No, no, not his dick. His wallet. / Your wallet.

I, for one, suggest me blowing fireballs to get that attention. / Fireballs? / Where is that coming from?

Goddamn it! You burned my head! / Oh, I did. I burned him. / Really? / Easy, camper, easy, camper.

Why would we need disguises, Charlie? / So people don't know who we are, you know. / They already don't know who we are.

Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want. / We want to feel you up, if'n you were so inclined as to let us.

Hells, yeah! We want to feel you up, if'n you were so inclined as to let us.

Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn! / I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.

Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches!

Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches!

I'm going to put them on YouTube. That way, I can get discovered by, like, a casting director or a producer, get some kind of a TV development deal.

we write on the billboard 'We have two-for-one drink specials on Thursdays.' And, on the bottom, you have a hilarious picture of Green Man kicking someone in the nuts.

S you in your As, don't wear Cs, and J all over your Bs.

That's not what YouTube videos are like. That's like a bad late-night commercial you'd see, like, on the cable network

Charlie hits Dee in the face with volleyball during her commercial

People getting injured or seriously hurt-- that's funny!

You ever see those girls mashing the grapes, and then slips and she's, like...? / Why did you do that, Charlie? / That's what YouTube video is. That's funny?

I can't concentrate when I'm about to get blasted in the face with a ball. I'll blast you all over if you flinch again.

You're nothing without Green Man.

Are you kidding me? That is extremely racist. / Isn't it awesome? I'm so excited about this one.

Oh, my God, you put that on YouTube? 80,000 hits. That's huge!

- Oh, Jesus. - You see what I was going for, right? - How badass is that?

Well, I mean, you banged the waitress. do I even have to explain that to you? That kind of rubbed me the wrong way, dude.

Dennis declaring Mac his 'best friend' right in front of Charlie, causing immediate awkward tension

I'm thunder struck. I didn't mean to thunder strike you

Charlie's dramatic reaction: 'I'm thunder struck'

yeah... I was going to stay in Mac's room. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Well, I mean there's... 24 beers there, if I'm counting right. - 12 for me and 12 for Mac.

That's kind of foreign, so... I got Clue... Complicated stuff there. I don't like counting.

Not that many times. If you get it once, you've won the game. So... you're... Kind of in... I'm in your way.

The awkward physical comedy of Charlie and Dennis bumping into each other and repeatedly saying 'I'm in your way'

Oh, cool. Did you get one for me? I did... not.

Don Johnson's the dude from Miami Vice, Charlie. I'm sure there's plenty of Don Johnsons running around Philly, dude.

They smell really bad. Really bad. I'm surprised you've been able to be in here for this long without cracking a window or something.

I hate all the pizza. And I had to drink all the beer. You must be wasted, dude. 24 beers by yourself?

'Cause that would be... a terrible thing to do... to your best friend.

What is this? What am I seeing? Nothing, man. You're having a dream right now. You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake.

'Cause I turned it off. What do you mean, you turned it off? I don't want to listen to this, man!

Let's put it this way, you won't be able to see anybody's face, you know what I'm saying? Oh, it's the low down...

He wants to be you getting banged by me in your apartment. It's like role-play!

We busted you! Caught! You are busted! Because you look pretty busted.

It was my thighs, dude, it's always been my thighs. Were you guys humping?

I thought it was one of Mac's Project Bad ass tapes, so I pop it in the VCR to watch it, I see what it is, I become violently ill, okay? Then I start smashing.

I love Project Bad ass. I watch those tapes all the time.

Charlie's enthusiastic endorsement: 'What, dude? I love Project Bad ass. I watch those tapes all the time'

You got weird balls. You should see Frank's balls. They're like planets.

The three... Musketeers! Blind mice! The three... Stooges. I don't want to be associated with those...

Hey, man, do you still get the feeling he wants to bang us? Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. That's what this is all about, huh?

Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air.

I did not poop the bed!

So we threw the first piece of poop out 'cause big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right?

This is wolf hair. Wolf air. Also inconclusive.

There is so much wolf hair in our apartment right now, man.

Frank, I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from.

He was turtle-heading. Turtle-heading! No, there was no turtles anywhere.

Four turds, five suspects, so many, many nameless victims.

Tall order for such a short man.

And like a small brown snail... it crept to the middle between Charlie and Frank.

The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.

Thunder of the... chocolate variety.

Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool, Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery.

A turd merger... fused together by fear and hatred... and hair.

I guess poop is very funny.

Quote from police statement: father threatened to 'eat the living shit out of you'

Quote: 'rape you so hard the room would stink'

Quote: 'eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink until his stomach was full of... your butts'

Mac and Charlie fighting over the microphone at a parole hearing

Charlie's plan to tell parole board about butt rape threats with excessive butt repetition

You're not going to say it exactly like that... Sure? That's a lot of butts.

Yeah, I think all the butt madness is really going to sell it.

Mac wants to be hobos 'drifting from town to town, solving mysteries'

Charlie struggling with bindle physics: 'how do hobos fit all this stuff into a bandana?!'

Charlie immediately agreeing to kill themselves: 'Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.'

I'm going to grab a knife, I'm going to jab it into your neck, I'll yank it out. Then your blood's going to start going everywhere.

If we were going to kill ourselves, it'd be awesome, right? Of course it would be with class!

Okay, I got to go fill her a dick hole, bro.

Okay, I got to go fill her a dick hole, bro.

Charlie abandoning Mac at the last second before the car crash

Mac actually crashing the car instead of jumping out

Why didn't you jump out?

Except for when we find the bride. That's a very important part of my plan.

The grenade producing a pathetic small explosion

That's it? Weird. That was totally lame. What a gyp.

Charlie wearing the wedding dress while discussing plans

Mac and Charlie's dramatic suicide video message

Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead. Our lives were horrible. Horrible and sad, so we decided to end it all. Not me actually, my life was pretty sweet.

Charlie's request that his ashes be made into tea and 'dranken by everyone'

You're not gonna be able to eat this hot dog. I'll suck it down.

She watched an entire episode of Mama's Family and fell asleep.

Mac and Charlie fighting over the last popper

Dee demanding a 'new' 1997 Dodge Neon

You got some beans on you, or what's up?

Frank using Charlie as a ventriloquist dummy

Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air.

I did not poop the bed! / Did you say something about pooping in a bed?

Well, yesterday we wake up and there's a piece of poop right in the middle of me and Frank, okay?

So we threw the first piece of poop out 'cause big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right?

We want you to examine our poopie.

You have a hole in the back of your pajamas. / It's not my poop! / You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt.

I feel like you're going to say something else right there and then you stopped, right? / Please get out of my lab.

You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure, pal.

Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? / It's gonna go both ways, dude.

This appears to be a piece of a credit card. / Inconclusive. / How is that not specific to one of you?

This is wolf hair. / Wolf air. / Also inconclusive.

There is so much wolf hair in our apartment right now, man. / But why are you eating it? / Well, you ingest everything. / Both of you are eating wolf?

Oh, maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators. / Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep?

Dennis on his bed made for kings with his toilet made out of gold.

Frank, I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from.

I could probably squeeze something out. / I'll get some newspaper.

And like a small brown snail... it crept to the middle between Charlie and Frank.

In check? There have been many stabbings in here. I feel unsafe here every single day.

First, I was angry. Then, I was drinking. Next thing I know, I'm following this guy home and forcing him into the trunk of his own car.

Relax, I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay, so he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone. But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been

Easy, we roll him up in a rug. Where are we gonna get a rug? We buy a big Oriental rug, and we roll him up in it.

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man. I was thinking maybe you could write a new review, you know, and this time, maybe add a few less lies.

Come on, man. See, he's twisting everything I say around. He's making me look like an asshole.

I used the last of the tape. If you untie him, that tape's not gonna stick back up.

In fact it's so clean I would say you could eat out of these urinals.

[Charlie eats from urinal] Bro, I really... I just pissed in there, like five minutes before you came in.

I have to prove a point!

Well, I think one of us is gonna have to help his... Whoa, dude! I'm not touching his dick.

Sir, we all have cats that we'd like to be playing with right now, okay?

Here's the plan. I've been thinking about this. Okay, we give them amnesia. It's so easy, here how you do it. You smash them both over the head with a bottle.

They wake up thinking it was all a dream.

I touch his dick. Mac, we touched his dick.

Well, we'll see who's the idiot when he wakes up tomorrow and doesn't remember a thing.

We're capable of being civils, right ? Let's just, you know... Communication is the key, it make sens. Uh, my hammer again.

I was also trying to do a little light reading, and then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps.

No! Well, yes. I mean, I was eating the old cheese to test it, see why the rats weren't eating it.

I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee.

To spy the waitress.

You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. You've got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard?

I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. It gets freezing in here at night, all right?

Frank was supposed to empty that. Totally, no wonder! It reeks in here!

There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens when you combine cat food, beer and glue. It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired.

I have 50 cats howling outside my window because I have 10,000 rats running around my building, Dee, okay?!

It's starting right on time. If I were you, I'd start wolfing that shit down.

Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee.

Those are solutions to problems.

Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible! Why would you do that?

Cheese is funny thing. Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, 'What is cheese? Where does it come...?

There's pigeons in the bar.

Or a cop to shoot a guy

I do always give a fake name 'cause I like to stay off the grid. They usually just give me a bunch of antibiotics, the sores go away, and I walk out.

Really lets your ass breathe.

For several years, I've been in complete charge of pretty much everything in my life... There's certain things that you just can't have control of, sir.

This has nothing to do with money. This is sort of a health insurance situation for us... so, you know, frankly, you don't even really have to pay us at all.

Mr. Taylor whose grandpa was a sailor. Mr. Scott who drinks his coffee hot. Mr. White whose wife is not too bright.

What the hell is 'Day Bow Bow'?

The mail goes into three sections according to how important I think the thing looks... Now, the least important stuff, I'm gonna burn that. If it's important, they're gonna send it again, right?

Charlie smoking and drinking coffee to calm his nerves while sorting mail

Pepe Silvia... This name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day, Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me... There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist!

There's not a single, goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up.

There's not a single, goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in HR.

You don't see Bar...? Oh, shit, where the hell did he...?

Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia. Barney?! Who the hell is Barney?! You don't see Bar...? Oh, shit, where the hell did he...? You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.

He really has an ugly face. He is certainly ugly. But, you know what, that's not really what bothers me about this. What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman.

I mean, look at Ronald Reagan, right?

we got to suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree, like, ten million years ago?

Well, the year was 1412... No. Really? Let Dennis, let Dennis...

You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall? Mm, the fat one. She's not that fat. Yeah, she's pretty fat, dude.

Merrily I be able to guide you toward some interest in some purchase.

We're not traders, Charlie. We're thieves. You want his pumpkins, we kill him and take his pumpkins. This is 1776. We'll get away with it!

What? He stole our furs! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You shit head.

Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing? I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles!

The pumpkin's innocent!

She cursed the gun! She put a curse on the gun! Let's try this one. Nothing!

you'd think people who came here so many years before the English, that they'd build bigger houses! Yeah. You'd think they'd have huge homes.

I speak English. Oh, shit! For real?

Shit! Goddamn it, Frank. You just ruined my all life. Wait, wait, wait, check his pulse. He doesn't have a head.

Maybe she didn't understand the story. Maybe skim too much. Yeah, let's tell the false story this time.

Extreme Home Makeover will make the hardest man soft

See how I got all these sweet pics of Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover? I'm gonna become like him. I'm gonna have that dude's life.

That's probably why Ty Pennington has such a sweet life. Yeah, man, and he's got great hair, too.

What would Ty Pennington do?

Oh, it feels good to help people. Oh, man, it sure does.

That show is about how awesome Sears is! And how much Sears products save people's lives! And it's about caring and Sears

I get very passionate about Sears... I mean,Extreme Home Make... I mean, what... what...

It's gonna be awesome and... Some other stuff

Just to write a musical. Does there have to be a reason? I don't think so.

You don't shove a musical in someone's face. What are you talking about?

The Nightman Cometh.

Will you take a five, Dennis?! Take a five, please!

And what's on the very back page? Nothing. Then that's what you'll be singing.

Let me try and rember something. Uh, let's see... was it... did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No, Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it.

And the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves and take it away from Charlie and ruin his hopes and dreams.

Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself.

I feel like you're saying 'boy's hole', and it's clearly 'soul'.

You got to pay the troll toll to get in this boy's hole... No, see, right there. It sounds like 'hole'.

What in God's name are you talking? There's no rape scene.

Now I'm here, okay? I am, I'm past where I thought I could go. I'm, like, all the way up here with it.

Well, yeah, because I consider you that.

I will smack your face off of your face.

Keep singing, bitch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!

Don't say 'stage freeze.' Just do it.

Please say yes and do not bone me, please.

Well, I didn't ever sign anything, so...

bird law in this country, is not governed by reason

To spite you I'm gonna get one

you don't wanna live with a seabird, okay. 'Cause the noise level alone on those things... have you ever heard a gull up close? It's gonna blast your ear drums out dude

Hummingbirds are a legal tender

House. - But I'm just saying that, if... - House. - House. House. - House. House. - Go. Go. - House. House. Flush, Flush, Flush.

What happens if you accidently hit a child with an umbrella? In the eyes of the law that is child abuse. What happens then? In the eyes of the law, you have to give your properties to the parents of that child.

Hey, buddy, I know a lot about the law, and various other lawyerings, I'm well educated, well-versed

I went to Harvard. How about you? - Where? - I'm pleading fifth, Sir.

Now, let's say you and I go toe to toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor.

Filibuster.

Do you know what that word means? - Yeap. - And what's that mean? - I'll... We're gonna... I don't know.

'Cause it's an old book! Okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know!

I shant mince words with you for long, I'm challenging you, Sir, to a duel.

Abort! Abort! Abort! Do not buy this house!

Chicken fight! Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

'No i'm not scared. It's just, i haven't left Philly yet. Why i leave Philly?'

'I've never eaten a pear... Pears weird me out, dude. Where do you start with the pear? The top? The bottom?'

'Hey, i've never had blueberries either.'

Hey, i've never had blueberries either.

'I don't have a bucket list, dude 'cause i'm not dying. Everybody's dying, bitch.'

Tastes like sand. / That pear is not right, dude. He burned us.

I can't, I just ate it. / The whole thing? / Yeah, it was pretty gross. The stem and then the core and the...

'I eat stickers all the time, dude!'

State naming game: 'Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Philly. North Virginia. South Virginia. East Virginia.'

Charlie's explanation: 'Last thing i remember,we were at the gas station, and you guys hopped in back, and i hopped in the front with the hitchhiker. Then i got freaked out about leaving Philly, so i asked him if he drop me off back here'

Continuing state game: 'Texas! Ohio. Rhode Island. Detroit. That's not a state. Milwaukee.'

Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?

Frank, it's not gonna work for you. Your neck's too thick, buddy.

I am taking it to the furnace... This bar runs on trash.

Well, I could put the trash into a landfill where it's gonna stay for millions of years, or I could burn it up and get a nice, smoky smell in here and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars.

So you're gonna throw all the trash in the furnace yourselves. And you're gonna filter the rainwater barrel all by yourselves... and siphon it from all around the neighborhood.

Well, what the hell, dude? I don't know if I can live in a trailer, man. You don't have to, Charlie. It's kinda tight in there already.

What are you talking about? You don't make house payments. You own this house. You've owned it for years. Mom, that's crazy. You collect Social Security.

You ever seen wrestling on television? I am well aware of what wrestling is. It's just not what uncles do to their nephews.

These are crabs! Fresh, local Delaware runoff crabs... Yeah, well- They look like sea scorpions.

Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage runoff, but, you know, crabs is sewage-proof!

but if i'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact that he's drinking more that he's doing it without me. and then i start thinking, 'what's wrong with me? am i not fun to drink with?'

if we maybe ambush frank with a net or some kind of, like, rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist belt.

you're drinking wine out of a soda can. yeah. oh, you put wine in the soda can you didn't know, did you?

when was the last time we played 'nightcrawlers' together, frank?

what is that? well... it's not about you. why don't you just write it down? yeah, but you said it. you said 'nightcrawlers,' and now i feel like i can't move past it.

it's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms. i never said that.

I'm fine with the bees. It's the honey i don't wanna agitate.

We always have bees is what we always have.

Do wasp make honey? No, wasps do not make honey. I'm gonna check it out anyway. There could be something delicious in here that wasp do make. I want that.

I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so i can get their honey, but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face and I think I just swallowed one.

Let me pop a quick H on this box, this way we all know that it's filled with hornets.

What if I wore a checkered hat and smoked a pipe? You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look. Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes? Who are you trying to attract exactly? Intelligent women.

Milksteak.

Milksteak. What? Milksteak. I'm not putting milksteak. Just put steak. Don't put steak, put milksteak. She'll know what it is. No she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is.

Magnets. Okay, what, making magnets? Collecting magnets? Playing with magnets? Just magnets.

Ghouls. You know, funny little green ghouls. Little green ghouls, buddy!

People's knees. Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.

You're a philanthropist, that's what you are. You used to on a small business, but you gave all they up to help others. Who do i help? Who am i helping? It doesn't matter. I don't know, old people, children autistics, dyslexic folks...

'You're a philanthropist' - 'I'm a flan...' - 'Phi-lan-thro-pist' - 'Philanthropist!' followed by cheese panic

How much cheese have you eaten today? How much cheese is too much cheese? Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese. I had a lot of cheese. I had a block of cheese.

These are hornet's stings, you know? I run into a lot of hornets in my line of work, i got stung up bad all over my face.... then it starts bleeding.

I'm a... full-on rapist. You know? Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.

Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.

A philanthropist? Yeah! That's exactly what it is. It gets blocked up in my mouth, I don't say it no goods.

There was a guy in the bathroom, he wouldn't give me his shirt... and i was fightin' him. I was like, 'Gimme your shirt bro'. And he didn't want to give it to me and it was like a whole thing...

There was a guy in the bathroom, he wouldn't give me his shirt... and i was fightin' him. I was like, 'Gimme your shirt bro'.

Now i'm gonna want the milksteak boiled over hard... and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.

What does 'make a move' mean? / It doesn't mean stab at her breast with your fingers.

You're grabbing her breast? What are you doing? I don't know! What does 'make a move' mean?

Well, i suppose i'll be taking that milksteak to go then.

Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!

I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol. Grain alcohol, baby. Whenever there's a potential riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.

And I'm gonna toss out Green man and run around the field and go crazy as Green man...

He's got a stranglehold on the Phillie mascot scene, it's not fair.

One, we can take the secret tunnel that goes from the Holiday Inn into the stadium...

We're passionate fans; we gotta hammer someone.

You're gonna do this, okay? One, you jump in front of a car coming to the stadium. Two, you say, 'I'm gonna sue you if you don't give me tickets.'

Well, no, I've done too many, man. I mean, the next one could be my last, bro.

I found this garden hose, right? I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building. And breathe into it like a scuba diver.

I'm trying to have a conversation. You're belly bumping me, all right?

Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask, I feel like you're big-leaguing me, dude.

Yeah, they want you to think it's a linen closet, Frank.

Cause in Scooby Doo, secret tunnels are always behind shelves.

Yeah, how does a hotel not run out of towels for six days?

I'm calling kangaroo court on this court. A kangaroo court. It's a kangaroo court.

Charlie Kelly versus the Major League Baseball and the Phillie Frenetic.

His name's the Phanatic, but, you know, I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball if I call him the Phanatic.

Can we talk about steroids?! Can we talk about steroid abuse?! It's bullshit! It's ruining the game! It's ruining it!

High suicide rates for this guy. He's going to be crushed.

That's right. We're the Pigeon Boys! Pigeon Boys!

I don't know. I feel like pigeons are survivors though.

How we like to protect our eggs from predators. And our young, we regurgitate to our... All the...

No, he kept calling you the N word earlier. Every time you turned your back. He's like you stupid N, go get me grease.

No, he kept calling you the N word earlier... He was calling me the N word. Every time you turned your back. He's like you stupid N, go get me grease.

I don't feel we're reading as eagles. No bro, we look like assholes. I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

Maybe we can go with the chicken thing. - The chicken boys! - We're not changing the songs.

Even with your f... I love you. - We love you too, man. - I don't love him. I don't love him at all

The eagles are out of ... It flies through the night... Don't you mess with it's heads now.... Or you'll see a fight. Yes, we have feathers, ah! But the muscles are man.

I knew this shit wasn't fake.

Hello. Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast.

Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?

[Roaring] [Glass Shattering] Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? [Growling] Think there's no answer? You're so stupid!

[Crickets Chirping]

I couldn't hear anything.

Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between?

Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten. Mee-ow!

Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten.

I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound of, like, a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in.

What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar? Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome.

That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it. And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him.

I was not participating in that conversation, 'cause I don't find her lovely. I think you're better than that. I think you can do better than that. And I mean that as a compliment.

We're both men of the law. You know? We get after it. You know? We jabber-jaw. We go tit for tat.

Then I'll just regress, 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant.

the heretofore document had- had dry ink on it for at least many 'forknights,'

The woman in the room right next to him... she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

We were staking you out last night- kinda spying on you. It got a little cold. It dropped down, right? So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here.

Because you're having an affair, and we're gonna blackmail you for your services.

Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found.

People love stupid shit! Why do you keep calling it stupid though?

Well, that's what the hooker was for!

It's still new enough to be edible. That's an edible contract!

Are you hearing this shit, bro? Well, you know, he's got some good ideas. Maybe it wouldn't be bad if he moved in.

Oh, Mac is being annoying as shit. Oh, Mac's being annoying? That's a big surprise. He bossing you around a whole bunch? Totally bossing me around. Yeah. Typical. It's what he does.

Did he mention me? No. No? Really? He didn't say anything at all about me

Tell him I'm not talking about him at all. I'm not telling him shit, dude. ... No, no, Charlie. Don't hang up the phone. I didn't call to talk about Mac. I swear to God, dude. ... I could care less about that guy. Are you kidding me?

I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall. ... I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature that would support that. Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, all right?

I'm gonna crack a little hole in your wall... Tiny one. It'll be cool. And then I'm gonna slip a second cat in with a string tied around it. Those two will become codependent, then I'll rip the second cat out, and the first one hopefully... hopefully will follow.

We work very well together, okay? We're the gruesome twosome! Gruesome twosome!

Smoke some cigarettes. The smoke will suffocate the bacteria in your stomach.

I got one. I tied a string around his teeny, tiny little legs. I'm sending it in. ... Well, congratulations, Dee. You have some very satisfied cats in there, okay?

Yeah! Yeah, Deandra! Come on, kitty. Oh. Come on. Okay. I'll get you. I'll get you. ... Wow! There are a lot of cats back here! Yeah. We put a lot of cats in there.

They're watching Predator. You want to join? Absolutely, dude. Great. ... Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall. ... Guys? Guys? Guys, come on!

So how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you? Oh, a lot, dude.

You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Cafe. You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.

Yeah, Dee, you just don't get it, okay? This is what men do! / Yeah. / This is what men do! / This is men stuff! / Yeah! / Men stuff!

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? / I know, the engine's not even on / That's just cruel. / I didn't. I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.

You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. / It's amazing. / Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.

I broke into her place. I ripped her sink apart. I brought a bag of hair.

Do you know anything about plumbing? / Uh, no. / Maybe it's just over my head, this system.

You know, maybe I should just stick to stalking. / No. / Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair. It could be fun to stalk her at a fair.

There are no prizes, Charlie. It's just to see, 'How fast can you throw?' / Oh, well, then, I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?

64. / Ow! Ow! / Oh, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key! Someone! Someone call a doctor!

You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and then, as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you.

The entire parking garage stairwell story - two guys dramatically retelling being locked in for 20 minutes only to be let out by a security guard

'It's Dolph Lundgren.' 'Correct. Why?' 'Well, because of his, uh, spiky hair.'

'As long as we don't cover up that body with a lab coat, bro.' 'No, dude. He's wearing, like, a hot mesh tank top.'

The dog experiment twist leading to running on all fours

'What if he can smell crime before it even happens?' leading to ecstatic celebration

'What if his entire head is just one big nose?!' 'Write that down!'

The confusion over whether Dolph Lundgren is the character's name or just the actor

Character named Dolph Lundgren played by Dolph Lundgren confusion

Charlie's inability to type and Mac's frustration

Mac and Charlie's racist assumption that the Pakistani guy would be good with twists because he's from near India

Mac and Charlie deciding to make a poster instead of writing

'Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration. He "Nose" the Truth.'

Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration. He 'Nose' the Truth.

Flip, flip, Flipadelphia! chanting sequence

You choked under pressure in '98. You blew the whole thing. We were gonna win. And then you couldn't flip your damn cup over.

That was, like, 15 years ago. I don't think you'd have any clout there... It doesn't matter, man. I was the king of that place. I'm a legend over there.

Right. You stumped me with that one. That's a good point.

Oh! Bet you're reading a lot of Gordon Wood, huh! You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you're wicked awesome doing that!

if I had known college was anything like that, the amount of book learning I would have put to my brain- Read! And math, dude!

I found them in, like, in a little pile in the alleyway. A squirrel must have piled them up and then got hit by a car.

Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay? Why are you making that assumption? Because he's with a tranny? You were with the tranny. What are you saying?

I remember her dead tooth, dude. What? Dead tooth? She didn't have a dead tooth.

Here, let me hit you with a two-by-four. You won't feel anything. No. I don't want to play that game anymore.

Frank and Charlie moving pennies with Charlie throwing them on the floor and Frank getting angry

If we do that domestic partnership thing that gay guys can do, I can totally get on your health insurance.

Dennis and Dee are going to pull the plug on you so fast, your head is going to spin. But think about this, Frank, you know who's not going to do that? This guy right here.

You just had to sign a little piece of paper. They gave Frank and I, like, a million forms for our marriage.

Neither of you would be the woman. You're both men. Are you kidding me? Is this what you've been upset about the whole time? Which one of us is going to be the woman?

Two dudes getting married... that doesn't seem very gay. Yeah, right? It's not... Yeah, right, yeah, okay. Two cool married... dudes. Not gay.

You told me it was the phone bill, man. / Of course I signed it. / Why would you think that you needed to sign a phone bill.

When he hands me something to sign and it's about money and papers, I sign it.

I like that move. What is that? / That's it. Motorcycle? / That's pretty... Yeah, not like that, though. It's pretty good, but you got to use... a little bit more shoulder.

Sorry. You have to be a couple for that. / We are a couple. / Charlie, documents.

Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

You can have the hot plate. / Hot dog! / Now we're cooking with gas.

All I'm seeing is a series of drawings of elephants. / Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie did the elephant drawings. / Yeah, but... You should keep 'em. I did those for you, man.

Why did we have to do all the touching and the hand-holding if it was just...? / It was fun.

Uncle Jack, what the hell?! / I froze up. / He's great.

Now I'm not gonna bore you with details, but let's just say that my friends here set up for a *** adventure... ***.com. Yeah. Actually we're not supposed to talk about... That's true but... Yeah, technically we're doing a couple of things in the hush hush from Uncle Sam... The point is we're flush. We are 25 hundred dollars flush.

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P. Diddy-style parties up on the deck. Um, can we talk shrimp for a minute? I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump-size amount of shrimp.

Picture tiny shrimp crawling all over this boat. Every inch of it... Can we not focus on the shrimp cause we have so much work to do. It's a shrimp boat. I'd like to have at least one conversation about shrimp.

Here's what we'll do: we'll scrape all these little delicious oysters or whatever off the side of the boat. We'll put 'em in a pot, we'll boil 'em up for before you get back. Those are barnacles. Do not eat those. Do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us. Honestly, don't eat those. You'll get very, very sick, okay?

Whoa! Since when are you the captain? Well, clearly I'm the captain. Who else would be the captain. I feel like I would be the captain. I don't give a shit. I'm captain! I call it! Locked in. Boom.

I asked you to toss 'em! You threw 'em overhand! That's the way I throw! Jump in there and get 'em. I'm not going in there. I don't sink. What? I get in there, I just bob around like a cauliflower.

I got a tooth. It's like a horse's tooth or something. And look at this ***. This is a war relic. This could be valuable. What the hell happened down there? Some kind of horse massacre? Could be.

Come on, man. I throw overhand, Charlie. ♪ Stop Drop Shut 'em down, open up shop... ♪

There's like a whole world of ancient stuff. There was a horse massacre, right, in the Revolutionary times, and then there's like a pirate ship. Like, I found all these old pretty little dolls. Maybe like a brush, like a pirate is brushing his hair... Killed the horse and then jumped in the ocean?

Dudes, you're never going to believe what I just found floating off the end of the boat. Yeah. There's a couple more brushes here and a little paint. Get to work, we'll do the trim and then we'll be done.

Yo, you guys... fighting with a green guy.

Dude, they were just floating under the boat. They got a little floaty thing on them. This is amazing, by the way... these floaty things. We should patent this.

And you can taste that sort of endangered tang. That's it. Hey, man, yeah, absolutely. I'll get right on that. That's how you patronize someone right there.

Uh, hey, um, what do you do if the boat is on fire? What do you mean? The boat is on fire. What?! Fire's getting bigger. Fire's getting big. Bail!

Find some water. Find some water?! Find some water. What do you mean find some water? There's water everywhere. Help! Help us.

Charlie, where's the boat? What happened to the boat? It's right there. This was a terrible investment.

I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock... The Thinker... Oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk!

We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, Charlie... We've squandered 'em all.

You look like a G.I. Joe action figure. Loosen up.

like a tiny bowl of cream you don't want to spill

U.S.A! U.S.A! Not like that. Make it classy.

Next thing you know, I'm wearing a wig for the rest of my life just to keep up appearances. Yeah, like Andre Agassi, huh?

Do you not know how to ice skate? No, not at all.

But I figured you would teach me, 'cause we got plenty of time. We don't have time! It's tomorrow night, man!

[Push it to the Limit montage while Mac learns to skate]

No. You fell on your face almost immediately, man.

Who took the shot? I took the shot. Yeah, I missed wide right by, like, a mile.

Look on the bright side, dude. I think you're gonna be a sports celebrity after all... 'cause they're definitely gonna play that shit on ESPN.

Heat wave! Heat wave! Heat wave!

Charlie, chug this.

'Cause Jamie Nelson drowned in it.

There hasn't been chlorine in here since Jamie Nelson.

I was climbing up the mattress - sort of like a ladder-type situation.

Aw, shit.

We're stuck in a pool!

I buy 'em all the time. You prepay for it, and then you buy it and you throw it away. There's a name for it.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't get Chinese though... because those delivery guys are always Chinese... and he won't understand a word we're saying... And plus, he's probably gonna be too short.

It'll be some big Italian lug, and he'll fish us out of here.

I cut them off 'cause they were overshooting the bottom of my shorts.

Well, just accept the fact that you're white trash, all right? Take a look at yourself. You can't do back flips. You don't know karate. You're white trash!

I put the phone in my front pocket.

Lamb of God who takes away - What is that? There's a lamb?

Alligator tooth and snakeskin - Don't undermine my prayer with voodoo.

Josh Groban vs Charles Grodin confusion - thinking Josh is Charles's son and would be funny

Mac, your mom burned her house down.

He ate a couple cigarette butts off the ground. He's got a wheeze. He might have emphysema, man.

I'm still alive. Can't be crazy.

What are you gonna do, send him to the moon?

He's just in here chowing down on a diaper. Hey! Look at him.

I think we should get some chalk and some erasers, because that dust cloud, you know, really shows the laser beam alarms.

There's a good reason for that, Frank. Because I think Mac just made it up on the spot. / I did. / You did? / That's a great term... browning out. / You like it? / I love it!

Once you throw a term like that out and everybody likes it, it's pretty much fair game. / We can use it whenever... / It's public domain at that point.

I'm that character from Lord of the Rings, Viggio Morgenstein.

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire. He eats theater people. / No, he doesn't. / I think he might. / He does.

And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is. / He might not. / He doesn't. / No, I don't, I don't.

I made out with the waitress! That's amazing!

Not from you! It's the stupid sexy costume.

Mac's the dad! Do it with me. Mac's the dad!

Your breath is awful. / Really? / Yeah.

Your breath is awful. Really? Yeah.

Viggio Morgenstein! Hey. I'm insanely high on mescaline.

So Dee thinks that I'm the dad, but, Dennis, you're the dad. / Delightful.

Charlie's 'butt, butt, butt...Open up the time capsule' song with dancing

Not that little, you know? Regular size. Maybe he, but... Not anymore.

Charlie's weight argument - 'I tacked on mass, muscle mass'

I am. I'm his living situation / Yeah, we share a bed

Night Crawlers discussion and blanket strategy

You take a piece of dirt. Exactly, you can use it as a force field, or as a roaming base.

Charlie's embarrassing butt dance performance

It is either him, or it is me. Him. Yeah. I was going to say him, too.

It is either him, or it is me / Him / Yeah / I was going to say him, too

Charlie's Bruce Jenner photo as résumé

Charlie offering to swallow eraser whole to prove dedication

Well, I'm asking you if it's edible because it certainly smells of grapes.

Charlie's content with being a janitor and refusing to rejoin the gang

Here comes my main man, Matty! Time for a haircut, Matty, though. Don't make me give it to ya.

This orange- it belong to you? Uh, no. Looks pretty good. Not too peeled. Pretty intact here. You want it? No, thanks. I'm cool, Professor.

Did you get that orange out of the garbage? I sure did. Can you believe that? Someone threw this away. Perfectly good orange, you know?

I've sized you up. I've stripped you down. I don't like what I see. I'm not impressed. Big tough guys, huh? Big tough guys!

I don't know what that - You have a posse? Well, good. Stick with your insane clown people, and you won't get jumped.

I lost all my friends. Aw, shit, man. I lost all my friends too.

'Cause the professor just took an interest in ya!

Yeah, we're best friends. Best friends. Excellent.

You see, he's what he calls, uh, a juggler. Juggalo, bro. Juggalo. He's a Juggalo. Juggalo. It's sort of a clown posse.

Tell you what. I'll take him to the locker room, lather him up real good. I'll strip all these silly-ass clothes off him, and I'll clean him sparkling clean.

Please don't bathe the students. He's bathing himself, and I'm watching. I'd rather you didn't do that either.

He's bathing himself, and I'm watching.

I'd like to introduce you to my protégé Richie. What up? Juggalo for life. What the hell is he talking about? Drop it with the Juggalo thing. You're embarrassing me.

This is a good movie, Richie. You're gonna enjoy this. Man, I ain't seen the first couple, though.

Go suck an egg. Yeah, go suck an egg. Go suck an egg?

This is the greatest movie I've ever seen. Are you filming this, Richie? No. Come on, dude. That's bootlegging. I'll get you a copy. Don't bootleg.

So, we're fired, yeah? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Probably never should have been hired in the first place, though, huh? That was my bad.

I got something that might cheer us all up. Who wants a little bit of - Little bit of deliciousness here? I'm not gonna eat that.

Oh, it's like, it's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands, and... mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.

Sometimes I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs, you know what I mean?

What is this word 'spa'? I feel like you're starting to say a word, and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say 'spaghetti'?

Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

Nope. That's a guarantee you can't make, Dee, all right?

No! I can't take any more bashing today, all right?

Oh, you can't bring food into the theater. No, I'm not. I bought it over there with that food. No, you didn't. How do you know that? Because we don't serve spaghetti... and I just watched you walk in with it.

You call my bluff, sir. I shall dispose of this

You caught me hankering for spaghetti and I want it.

I'm leaving because the spaghetti is the whole deal for me.

What does 3-D even stand for?

What dimension are we in?

Is this safe?

What happened to my meatball?

The movie's boring.

Dickless Dennis. That's what we should call him now... Dickless Dennis.

I'll show it to you. I don't want to see it.

What is your spaghetti policy here?

Ok, I'm gonna eat the spaghetti.

I'm trapped like a rat.

Just bash me like a rat. Bash me like a rat and get it over with.

It's not my birthday, though... No, dicks, it's my birthday.

I knew it, I knew he couldn't say it. Luau, luau. Luau.

denim chicken?... Yes! Denim chicken.

'Wormhat.' Yeah, that's a German guy. His name is Hans Wormhat. He appears in my dreams. He drive a biplane and he shoots it at me and I run through a field.

Charlie emerges from the trunk asking 'Are we in A.C.?' after the crash

Charlie's elaborate complaint about the 'adventure': 'tie you up and put a sack on your head so you don't freak out'

Charlie's existential crisis: 'trees? Everywhere trees? What the hell is this place?'

Dennis's 'Say yes' philosophy introduction after revealing his hickey from a young woman

The trucker assumes Dennis and Charlie are 'lot lizards' (truck stop prostitutes)

Dennis and Charlie's confused attempts to deny being prostitutes while the trucker explains 'lot lizards'

Charlie putting all their money on black at roulette and Dennis panicking

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard's confused reactions to Mac and Charlie's drunken behavior

Ryan Howard firmly says 'Please don't touch me' to Charlie

Look what Charlie and I found. Look at this. Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me. It reeks. What is that? Dude, this is our mail.

We always go in the sewer. We hang out in the sewer. Why? There's stuff down there.

Don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer. You find shit down there. But how are you so clean? We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.

Big stuff. Rings, coins, nudity. That's part of the fun. The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked looking for rings and coins? You feel it with your feet. It's almost like clamming.

The brunt of the responsibility of this kid is gonna fall on us. We're gonna have to do everything. Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.

Look what this kid has ruined already. He's ruined my transmission. He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.

Any multiple number of sperms could have gone up there and eaten the egg. There could be so many dads. No, sperm doesn't eat the egg. It doesn't eat the egg and grow strong and become a baby?

Well, mostly because we're all on this side. You're over there. Just 'cause you guys made it to one side before me? You didn't make it to this side on time.

We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation. Oh! Hey! Party! Party! All right! Hey!

Who invited Cricket? I did, because I figured it's a wild card. That's a stone you can leave unturned.

I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick. I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em. The three of us just don't use 'em. How about you?

What's the deal here, bud? Well, no, she contacted me for a while usually when she was drunk. Drunken late-night booty calls? No. She usually just yells at me calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.

Are you guys mad at me? No, man, we're not mad. Pull it together, because you're a soldier and you should be tougher.

This is the guy that's defending our country? Well, he's definitely a candidate.

What is L'il Kev doing here? You gotta throw out a big net to catch the fish that she was banging.

Why are you having sex with her? Well, she gets drunk and calls me a cardio-jerk or a workout turkey. And after a while, I just kind of cave in.

She's just berating these guys into having sex with her. Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town. She's getting way more action than us. She's stuck on her curse words. 'Jerk' and 'turkey' are all that she's using.

Kids spend all their time on the Internet. 'Hi. Who are you? There's your penis and there's your butt.' You gotta learn from some books. You don't want 'em reading too many books. You don't want 'em to be a nerd.

If it's a nerd, I'm gonna bash his head in. Nerds get nowhere in life. Oh, my God. Is he a nerd? I could bash some nerds right now. Right after this we should probably bash nerds. I gotta get it out of my system.

We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid. We are men who can be great dads. We have great opinions. And that's all that parenting is - pretending you know what you're talking about and then jamming it down a kid's throat.

Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be the father of this child. Dude, we did a complete 180.

Maybe instead of doing a My Two Dads type thing we could fold in another dad and do a Three Men and a Baby type situation. That's what it is. I like that. An equally effective movie.

We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We're gonna be the fathers. It has been decided, so sayeth Thor. Thor said it. The who? Thor. Who Thor? Is that your Greek God reference? He's a Nordic God.

Carmen? What are you doing here? I'm here to get my baby. What? Oh, yeah. The tranny's the dad. Yeah!

What is your obsession with the sewer these days? You find great stuff down there. Like what? Like sewage. Ha-ha! Good one, Dee. She's back, baby. She's back.

Charlie confusing directions - 'What would that expression be for someone who has two lefts?'

Charlie's directional confusion escalates: 'Your left and my left are the same cause we're facing the same direction. We're two different people. We can't have the same left.'

Mac and Charlie's Christmas tradition: 'We drink a lot of eggnog, we pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it all last minute.'

Christmas morning tradition: 'Then we wake up Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.'

Charlie finding karate trophy: 'I found that in the street.'

Charlie's follow-up: 'And then we would bash away at him and we'd bash the dogs to pieces.'

Charlie's reality check: 'Your dad is like a thief and a murderer who eats people, so he's not really trustworthy.'

Charlie's Santa tradition: Multiple Santas visiting his mom, giving him presents, then going upstairs to 'cheer her up'

Charlie's confused memories: 'I didn't always understand the presents... one year, Santa even brought one of his elves.'

'They would just give my mom money and go in the-' [Bell dings] 'Let that settle in.'

Charlie's coping mechanism: 'I buried it down deep. And two: I'm deciding I might not believe that that actually happened.'

Omnibot apology: 'When you were a little boy, I was stolen from you on Christmas day. It was a big misunderstanding. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.'

Finders keepers law: 'At this point, I believe the robot's falling under the finders-keepers law of America.'

Charlie confronting Santa: 'Did you fuck my mom?'

Escalating Santa attack: 'Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my fucking mom?'

Dismissing Frank: 'Oh, you go fuck yourself in your fat fuckin' ass.'

You can go, like, 'Dude, I got bit a pit bull in a bar.' In Paddy's! It was awesome!

The other day, we were hanging out under the bridge; we found box of denim, and I'm, like, 'You know, these look like good jeans in here,' and he's, like, 'You want to split it with me, 50-50?'

Charlie! Stop wearing clothes you find washing up under bridges. Oh, they're boiled, yeah. Yeah! We boil all our denim.

I signed you up on a dating Web site. I got you a date, dude! This girl does think she's meeting a millionaire. Why'd you say that, Charlie?

Whoa! I burned myself on a rivet.

I swallowed, like, a million blood caplets 'cause I was gonna cough, like, you know, a handful of blood to make it real.

Frank burning photo albums containing cherished Jersey Shore vacation memories while the gang protests

'It's a magical place where people swim in the ocean and they get to ride on fun rides and they get to have their first kiss.'

The delayed roast of Dee's hair

'The trash that floated over from Europe'

Charlie witnessing homeless people having sex under the boardwalk

I have a special place in my heart 'cause I had my first kiss down here. / Oh, God! Oh, no! No! No! No! / Two homeless guys banging each other.

That's not magical. That's not romantic. That's your idea of romantic? / No! There are other kinds of romances that happen under here.

Charlie and the Waitress's unexpected beach encounter

Charlie giving the Waitress a piece of broken glass as jewelry

'Did you rape me last night?' - Dee's morning after confusion

Oh, my God. I was... I was on Ecstasy last night, Charlie. / You have to tell me everything that happened. / Oh! Boy, you're really off the wagon, huh? Drinking, drugs...

Charlie describing their romantic night of drinking ocean water

'That's a piece of a broken glass bottle.' - Revealing Charlie's 'jewel'

'I guess that's just summer love.'

In other countries, okay, women that can't show their ankles, right? They got to be in those big, black tarps or whatever. In America, we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis

We got to definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids.

But there's a guy. Uh, uh, there's a fat guy. Well, his face is busted to bits, and he... he's in charge. Real jacked up face and fat.

This is what America is about, okay, being able to eat at any rate you want to eat.

Your mom doesn't know dick. She's a dumb, fat cow, and your sister-- she is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?

I know, but it's not what you care about, it's what I care about.

Oh, 'cause I put a bunch of rocks in 'em.

Well, you know how they were broken, so I was, like, filling them with ice. Now the ice machine's broken, so I'm just filling them up with rocks.

Like one that comes to mind is the dead dog. What dead dog? The dead dog in the alley.

I want a dog funeral!

What the hell?! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!

I'm going to put my thumb through your eye, you little bitch!

We are now the Pickle Party.

Give me a beer with a pickle in it.

If you're not as educated or as informed, what you do is you start your own party and you yell the loudest.

Reason will prevail. / Pickles will prevail!

Big. It should be the centerpiece of the whole room. I mean, it should dominate every conversation.

That's gonna be terrifying! It should be terrifying. That's how you know God loves you, Charlie.

He's gotta be drenched in blood. I mean, covered in blood.

This is dark. Darkest thing we've ever done.

Before you could walk. Before you could talk. And before you had the chance to get together the proper paperwork

It's the dead dog from the alleyway. I was compromising.

Oh, she's talking about it and, you know, we're sort of listening and we're enjoying her breasts. Just let us have this. The breasts make you care about the weather in a really good way

That was the Mayans, dude. / Mayans, Mexicans-- what's the difference? / One difference is that the Mayans are extinct. / Yeah, the Mexicans killed the Mayans. / No, the Spaniards banged the Mayans, turned 'em into Mexicans.

And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor? / Uh, you've probably been banging in the bunker, right? / Guilty. / I've been watching him bang in here.

I don't rape girls, come on. / Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...

And they have left, they have left now. I'm only still here 'cause I'm not as quick as them.

Is that a pickled egg? / No, it's an egg I brought from home.

Yeah, well, he was probably down here with Mac, watching you rape girls and eating pickled eggs. I don't rape girls, come on. Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...

Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. / Yeah, well... It's, like, so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to.

Dude, they have amazing stuff here. I'm totally prepared. Check this out. How sweet is that? / You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

Yeah. They're gonna be, like, 'Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming.'

It's Cricket! / Cricket. / Oh, what are you doing down here, Cricket? / I come down the bunker sometimes when it rains.

I love it. Where do I sign? / Okay, again, um, you don't sign anywhere. / If we're doing a contract, I want to sign it, so... This isn't a contract for you, Charlie.

We would create a race of super giant-breasted women, you know? I'd start sleeping with your daughters, you'd sleep with my daughters, I'd sleep with your daughters' daughters, you'd sleep with my daughters' daughters. We die, our sons would sleep with our daughters' daughters' daughters.

Have you gotten into the cheese? / There's a whole cheese section. I went nuts.

We can only accept cash at this time. / Oh, shit. / What? / Okay, well, you got cash? / I only have cards. / Charlie, where's the cash I gave you? / Mac took off with all our cash! He just took off!

Dennis, I got her, Dennis, I got her!

No! No! / No, no... No! 'Cause we're not playing! / Yes! / What's 'Chardee MacDennis'?

So we're gonna have to decide, you know, do we get a new team photo with or without you... Plus, we have a whole new strategy to come up with, you know... Our strategy has never worked. And I hate the team photo.

Question: 'Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate'? / I don't think I wrote that.

Because Dennis is a bastard man. / That's what it is. / I definitely wrote that. / That was it, right?

They advance, do we? / Ah, yes, I'll explain it to you, Frank. / It can get a little confusing. / It's a goddamn mind boggler. / Yeah, I've never really understood it

Cheese and crepes! / Dadgumit! / Son of a gun. / Cheese and crepes! / Cheese and crow.

You have to eat the ingredients of a cake. / One, by one... Oh! No!

Shut up, dog. / Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. You're not supposed to eat them. / We win the level. / Wait, they're still inside me! I can get them out!

Charlie eating the grapes instead of just collecting them

Dee's emotional battery causing a suicide attempt

She talked about taking too many pills. / I think she tried to kill herself. / She did, she did. / I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it.

You're trying to trick us. / They're trying to trick us 'cause then we'll not drink it and it'll be a rule that we had to drink it. / No, no, it's fine. / No tricking us.

This is water. / Aha! I knew it! / Well... I knew it was water. / When he threw his beer in my face, I could taste it.

Eff you in the A! / Fudge on crackers, all right? / Mr. Falconing sons of birds! / Mother fathers, you've caught us cheating for the first time in, like, 18 games.

This isn't about, like, physical endurance or anything like that. This is just up to the gods right now, Mac! And there's a 50-50 chance we're winning this whole thing, right now.

'Tails never fails!' becoming the rallying cry

Tails never fails. / Tails never fails! / Tails never fails.

He and his Jews have connected the whole world, and now they're toppling regimes.

And Egypt and Japan and the Jews are all peaceful together...

Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building? I didn't until Mac said it.

What if you hit it faster?

And I could be a man with a fist full of hammers... and a trunk full of duct tape and zip ties.

Yeah, people who could have chainsaws. Or hammers.

Yeah, well, yeah... He was raping us... Well... wha...? He was raping you. Yeah, well, yeah...

The guy never quite made it inside of me but, my friend here, yeah... He, like, really, kinda made soup of your insides...

And the guy was super-small, so I'm fine.

You guys open? Yes, we are. Charlie, lock the door.

Have you recovered the artifact yet? It belongs in a museum.

There is a man getting out. The subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind.

He's wearing cowboy boots. His feet could be pointed on the inside, so let's be... They're definitely not pointed on the inside.

People from the South don't usually move up North. Oh, no, they come up. These carpetbaggers come up by the truckloads just to steal our artifacts.

the tasseled leathers, the turquoise studs on the leathers. All the leather.

What if this vase is cursed, okay? Get Dee to touch it.

I snuck in. Mac was, like, being a dick about the walkie-talkie.

You just walked right in the front door? Well, I ran, I had a little hustle going, but yeah, front door.

No matter how psychotically vain... or needy and pathetic or, I mean, just plain sad.

What are you looking to do? Like, flash-cook a-a gyro sandwich?

I'm going to the crevice!

Frank, you've just created a four-way intersection. If anything, you've made this intersection safer.

I dip it in bleach, then it's clean!

Because I'm dipping them in bleach so that I can clean them faster. I don't have time to wash every single glass. I dip it in bleach, then it's clean!

Then get out of my bar! Get out of my bar!

♪ Big, fat, big, fat Big, fat titties Big, fat ass. ♪

It's all these goddamn immigrants come in to see Obama. And none of them have any insurance. That's why they drive so slow.

Thundergun leaves no man behind! We'll come back for you!

Plus, I hung dong on the trolley. You guys missed that.

He's scared he's going to be too fat to fit down that gutter. That is what it is.

That's what I told Dennis and Frank, and I was lying.

If a wall of water comes through, it's actually pretty sweet to be naked 'cause then you can hold your clothes up. You know, and then that piss and shit just kind of flows over you. It's more refreshing than you think.

I'll come back for you. Don't... don't you do that. Don't you... Charlie, get back here right now!

Well, why don't you switch seats with us if it's bothering you so much. Just switch seats, you know what I mean?

Group chanting 'Reunion! Reunion!' repeatedly with increasing energy

I'm packing a couple extra pair of underwear in case I get an atomic wedgie.

And if it does happen, I'm gonna get high, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'm gonna huff stuff.

Well, she was definitely the prettiest girl in school. She was not. She was not, no.

Oh, the box of hornets.

He called you Dirtgrub and he made you eat spiders. Oh, that guy!

Bartender giving Charlie and Mac only 4 drink tickets total, leading to argument about the 'pretty boy' and 'longhair'

I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'm going to find stuff to huff, I'm going to get high. If I'm the Dirtgrub, I'm going to be the Dirtgrub.

Charlie mentions 'the freight train'

Our conductor's insane. Our cargo is pain. Freight train!

I specialize in bird law, so I don't want to mess around...

No, we don't do the toot-toots... We're a train. Why wouldn't we toot-toot?

They also give each other blow jobs. They got these things called rainbow parties. No, Charlie.

[The gang performs an elaborate dance routine that completely bombs]

I don't understand how that didn't blow people's minds, though.

CHARLIE: Attention! Attention, everyone! Gather round, please! Gather round! Mac has a very important announcement!

(gasps): Are you eating the soup?! Is he eating the soup? Yes. I'm sorry. I was hungry.

I made a decision to eat the soup. I didn't sit around thinking all day, 'Hey, do I do this? Do I not do this?'

By the way, man, this is why we work well together, you know? You see free soup, you make a decision to eat it. It's horrible. It's terrible soup, but we got to stick with our decisions, right? Yeah, I can't go back on it now.

Okay. They're standing two feet away from us, so they are gonna notice, but let's just run out of here; they'll think we made a quick decision to leave.

An original Hitler. Yes! Yeah! Holy shit, dude, this is huge! We are gonna become famous treasure hunters.

What? No-no-no-no-no. It looks so good here. It belongs in a museum, and that's the end of this.

Mac declaring 'I can finally be Indiana Jones!' then Charlie wanting the painting back on his wall

I don't like you wearing the glasses, though. They're supposed to assess a threat. Oh, Cricket could be a threat. No, I have cleared him on multiple occasions.

He's cool. He's not a threat. Phew! I know he's not a threat! I told you, I've assessed him... I've just cleared him.

Okay, when he was a kid, he had this little, sweet, little puppy, and he was the happiest chap in all of Germany. Right, 'I love chocolate. I love my dogs.'

Mac, you know the best thing about time travel movies? They're full of surprises. Oh.

This painting clearly causes madness in men. And it must be destroyed.

Hitler's painting, the key to the Holocaust, Ryan Gosling playing you? Ridiculous. This has to end now, and so I have the final solution.

We won't. What? Dude, if that's not an original Hitler, then who gives a shit?

Well, it's not an original, you know. I just painted over one of the old paintings that he gave me, so... Who? Pop-Pop. So Pop-Pop did give you the painting?

These guys are blasting us in the ass.

Yeah, politics is all one big ass-blast.

We've gone to door-to-door in a van before, and that didn't work out for us.