Frank Reynolds

Oh, yeah? Try this on for size. Your mother's dead.

No, she's not dead. We're gettin' divorced though.

You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow. You never tried this?

I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into.

Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with.

I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years. I just feel like I need a serious change, or I'm gonna kill myself.

Here. Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars. Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas. I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this.

I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. / I am not ugly.

You made me sleep out in the hall. You ignored my cries for help in the middle of the night. I'll pay for your rent for six months. Twelve. Six. Ten. Six. Nine. Six. Ten. Six. Twelve. Four. Six. Deal.

Athletes. / Yeah, that's true. / But after that. / Rock stars. / Yeah, also true. But after that, Frank. / Actors.

He's my poor little crippled boy.

The only thing that attracts the attention of strippers more than pity is money. And I brought a shitload of that.

He was like a companion. / Strip club!

Don't youse ever stop fighting and just shut the hell up? Now, who wants ice cream?

Where are your balls, dude? Where are your balls? You're a grown man. Think about your balls. Where are your balls? / Charlie, don't talk about my balls. / I can't even mention your balls around you.

While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children? / A series of Mexican women.

Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days. / Beautiful.

What is that, musk? / That's my new friend. I met him outside of that disgusting bar our children own.

Are you bangin' him? You bangin' this guy? / Not yet, but I'm giving it serious consideration.

That teeny, tiny little dog.

What are you doing with your hands? What does that mean? / Dog. Kitchen. / That's 'kitchen'? Why can't you go get the dog? / Because I got a cast on my foot. / I got a neck brace.

You haven't thought it through? It destroyed my apartment. / Look. We're living in the moment. We're running around stealing things. / We're doing anything we want.

So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping on the floor? / Yes.

I'm part of the gang... or I send your asses to jail. / I would rather go to jail than work with you. / Yes! / Just for the record, I would rather not spend my life in jail.

Later, bitches

Right, right. So what's the vig? The vig? Yeah, man. You know, what's... what's the vig on this action here? Do you even know what 'vig' means?

I'm good. Go get us some slaves.

I'm gonna get nice and drunk, play some video games until my eyes bleed / Me too. I want to play Charlie

The three of us go outside, throw the pigskin around, play some two-hand touch. I'll teach you how to play. I already know how to play. Not properly though.

You work hard, you don't drink... How'd you end up on welfare?

Slaves are gone. They were bringing me down. Plus, you know they don't drink?

This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management. That's why I did it.

You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief. But how come Charlie? Not fair.

Why would you do this to us, Dad? / Because you are crackheads, children

Because you are crackheads, children. Yeah. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack.

Wild sex. Whoa! I mean... You name it, we did it.

For starters, you've got kids and shit. And you talk about 'em. You talk about your kids, you talk about your dead husband. I mean, it's kind of bummin' me out.

Frank, I'm two years younger than you. That's what I'm talkin' about.

That move always works with the ladies. Frank, you have never gotten a chick with that move. Really? Yeah. So don't go blamin' the move. The move works.

All during the '60s, before I met my whore wife, I was a boxer. They called me Frankie Fast Hands.

You ditched your sister? Absolutely. With a mugger... The guy had a knife. Of course we did. What were we supposed to do?

Ain't no rules out on the streets. You guys got no rules on the streets, you.

That's the smell of big dreams. The smell of glory. It smells like feet. And feet. Does smell like feet.

Oh, my God, that's an annoying sound he makes. Ass... hole. Yeah, asshole.

Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.

You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man. Daddy, I can't. It's... I can't.

Just grab that bar and jerk it down behind your neck.

You know damn well you hit me after the bell. That was a cheap shot. Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one, and they all stink.

Just 10 more minutes. / No, no. That's it. Dee, that's... / I love it. I need more of it.

Dennis, you shouldn't be sleeping with your friends' girlfriends.

Whoo! Whoo! That's it! Gambling!

Lesson number one: Winnin' ain't everything. Lesson two: Do you own a bike?

All right. These are for you. And there's a steel toe in there. Don't be afraid to use it.

Dad, will you look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me it's not blotchy?

Do I have to listen to this shit all morning?

I only made four dollars, Deandra

The priest may not do it because she's getting old... Your skin's all blotchy... You got the crow's-feet

This guy's perfect. Let's go clean him up.

I'm in love with a man... a man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God?

What does an intern do? - Cut limes. - Stock glasses. - Serve drinks.

This is a brilliant idea... 'hobo-vertising.'

Take him down. - This is a goddamn coup!

You look like a dick in that tiny jacket.

We'll get this bribe... and we'll shove it right in your brother's face.

Let me get this straight. You want to try and solicit a bribe? - The bangs, they... The five head.

You know, like, in the movies, union guys are, like, tough and shady and shit. - Sorry to disappoint you. - You're, like, a couple of nerds.

I think I look like a whore. - I'm trying to make you sexy. - This is not sexy. - What is this? What's this? - It's the bed look. The tossled look. The ruffled look. You look like you just got...

Now, Daddy hates to say this, but... I think we should talk about the breasts.

Check out the goods to my right. This pretty little lady is not only my daughter. She happens to be your biggest opponent in the election.

Beauty and the beast.

Are you trying to solicit a bribe from me? - I don't know. Am I?

my little girl don't go nowhere without her old man. - You're fired.

When Dennis Reynolds was a counselor at Camp Cumberland... he was sent home for the statutory rape of a teenage camper.

Dennis Reynolds... baby rapist. Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia.

Not gonna happen. I want that tape. - I'm gonna need you to beg. - You gotta beg.

Charlie traded me his whole collection... of Garbage Pail Kids for the tape.

That is politics, bitch.

Bit of an overreaction, don't you think? - You look like a whore.

It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.

You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Sounds like it's coming right out of Stalin's mouth.

I don't know who Stalin is. Who the hell is Stalin?

Alan is just about to bet his wife's glass eye in the next hand.

If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers.

You two aren't banging, are you?

Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it. Trust me.

because I don't want no... grandkids.

Your turkey neck is looking exceptionally attractive this evening.

You have turned into a retarded person. / You're a retard.

You whore!

that my horrible, whore wife has tricked me into raising two bastards for 30 years, and I'm being asked to not make a scene!

Whoa! Oh, excuse me? Oh, did you bang my wife? Huh?

Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my whore wife that I should know about?

Jesus, Frank! My life is a lie! My life is a lie!

Somebody's got to get stabbed! Somebody's got to get sta...

What's with the gun, dude? / I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.

I don't want to be his friend. I want to shoot him in the face.

I got you. I got this guy Tom. And that crazy woman who claims we had a one-night stand 30 years ago.

This bastard destroyed my lineage. He must be smashed.

So I contacted that woman on MySpace who claimed that we had a one-night stand.

Frank's immediate reaction: 'Put it back. It doesn't belong to you.'

Frank's aside: 'You see, he has no problem not calling me "Dad."'

Frank's aggressive 'I'll take that, hippie!'

Frank calling it 'an Ali Baba sword!' with enthusiasm

Charlie and Frank getting excited about 'Electrics!'

Charlie and Frank deciding to hide in the dumpster during rain

Frank: 'Charlie, I'm really sorry that I banged your girlfriend.'

Frank's dismissive response: 'First of all, it takes nine months to have a baby. That is not my baby. Second of all, your mother is feeding you a line of crap.'

There's no way a mouse could kill a scorpion. Dude, a mouse could kill... It's got sharp claws and teeth. A rat could kill a scorpion. No shit, Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.

Are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for three days? Shut up about that. I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

Want to drop some acid with me? What? You're dropping acid? Mmm. Woodstock, baby.

I did not take any acid. Remember? Oh, yeah, you did. What are you talking about? I put a shitload of it in your beer. What? Yeah. Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating... I drank all that shit, dude!

That's okay. There was, like, a ton of acid in there! Yeah. Why would you do that? I don't want to be the only one tripping.

Oh! Crap! I'm starting to feel weird. What the hell? Oh, no. Not again. Oh, no! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Somebody get me outta here!

I'm Artemis. I'm Dee's friend. I'm trapped. I know. But I can help. Crawl into my mouth.

How'd you get in here? What are you talking about? I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours. I think he took a dump in there.

Lizard, am I standing in poop? I'm about to demonstrate to all of you my natural abilities as a punter.

Holy shit. This thing is loaded. My leg! Doyle, are you okay? My leg! Somebody shot my leg! No!

Frank, we're in the middle of something very important! I got news! Your mother is dead!

Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank. I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift. She's as dead as disco.

Who wants champagne?

Why are you giving it to him? I'm not giving... You see? I'm just reading what's on a will.

Because I want to smash his face until he's dead! Killed dead! Killed dead!

You tell her she's a goddamn whore! Always been a whore!

I tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today. You tell her for me that I will be in touch with her somehow.

I'm gonna dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry. That's insane! Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T.

I gotta get to that body while the earth's still loose.

You call Brucie on the phone and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé. Who's that? Me.

How's the ponytail look? It's ridiculous. / I gotta turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce.

You've gotta stop thinking of me as your dad and start thinking of me as your fiancé, Seamus. Gross.

Al DS? You touch anybody? Well, sure. Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?

If we need to adopt a couple of orphans, fine. We'll get the money, and we'll take them back. Can you do that? Is that possible? I don't know. I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.

We'll get the money, and we'll take them back. / Can you do that? Is that possible? / I don't know. I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.

You just married your daughter, Frank. You know who I am? Of course I know who you are. You're the little asswipe who raised my children and turned them into animals, into monsters.

Whatever happens, make sure Charlie's the first one to die. What? Why? Because of this will business. He stands to gain the most.

But that goddamn Mac, he... Then tell me, Frank. What do you think about... this?

Because that lead paint is extremely toxic. What? Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

Because I'm manipulating you. That's the way I get people to do things for me. Really? Yeah. Shit, that's awesome.

This is exactly the way I ran my sweatshops.

You gotta break 'em like dogs! Break 'em! Yeah! Break 'em like dogs!

Yes! We make a delicious, amazing microbrew! Oh, it's amazing. They throw all the skunk beer into a trash can. And then they sell it for $10 a glass.

Could you be a darling and run down and get Daddy some antifreeze?

Orange is much more threatening than yellow! No, that's an old system. It doesn't work anymore. Clearly yellow... You go from yellow to orange to red!

No, Mookie. I don't wanna do it. It's too hot outside. Right? What was that? What the hell is that? Rosie Perez!

You can't just blast people with a hose in a bar. They will leave. Lock the door.

Sun-Li only 12 years old! What? She just 12-year-old girl! Oh, shit!

She's only 12 years old! What? You're just 12? Twelve, Charlie! Oh, shit. That actually explains a lot.

Paddy's Pub can't be bought... Sold!

These are the Yellow Jacket boys... my old street gang from the '50s.

Not for you, bitch.

Gangsters don't sing! Ever hear of gangster rap?

Those darn Yellow Jacket boys, Buzz, buzz, bumble, They don't pay for soda pop 'cause they really rumble

Look, pal, you'd better not mess with us. You see Hawky over here? He's crazy. I'm not sure what he's capable of.

What the hell are you reading? In Touch. / In Touch? Why would you read that crap? / We are trying to stay 'in touch' with what's happening in the world.

Don't you guys get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking? / What does that mean? Is that a joke? How could you get tired of that?

Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt. / That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys. How's anybody gonna get hurt?

We're gonna go down to the power plant and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer. / Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! / He's making it up, Charlie.

People don't care about that shit. They want glitz and glamour, celebrities. They want to read about shit that's gonna help them forget how miserable their lives are.

Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore. / You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore. You're a dirty, drunk whore already.

Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? These places are like prisons. / Like people getting assraped? / What? Oh, my God, dude. No, not like people getting assraped.

How are you sweating so much? It's freezing! / It's freezing! Yeah. They try to keep them alive. Because meat spoils slower in a fridge. So they keep it cold.

Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground! / We're not setting a nursing home on fire! / Those curtains would go up like a snap.

A pandemic. Bird flu! Bird flu! / I think he's choking, guys. / What? He is choking! / Frank, give him the Heimlich! / I'm not gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got.

I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah! / That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

You got that, right, Charlie? / Yeah. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank. / I did point the camera at it. But you know what? I did not put a tape in here.

Are you gonna set the building on fire? / No! Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? / Yes. Goddamn it!

Who gets stuck in a well anymore? / Kittens do. / Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

Hey! There you go. She throws the kittens in every take. / Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism. / Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! / We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.

I'm taking these.

We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. My credit card number's down at the desk? Yeah. You mean we're smashing up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk!

You mean we're smashing up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk!

The Pecan Sandies. Isn't that a cookie? Yeah, it's a cookie, but it's got another meaning. What's the other meaning? It's a, you know... It's a... It's a sexual meaning.

We need a new front man. Right. You want someone with a good voice... Yes. Who's attractive... Yes. Someone with charisma. Yes. Well, I've got an awful lot of reading to do.

Serial killing.

You can't just torture someone 'cause you think they're guilty. Oh, don't give me that liberal bullshit.

Hold it closer to your face and look really crazy. Like I'm killing somebody?

Put your tongue closer to the blade.

What's the decorating motif of this place... prison cell?

You think I want some Jew lawyer crawling up my ass in six months?

And Bingo was his nameo

Are you shitting me? Now, Dee, can you do a girl's voice?

Because drawing a confession out of someone... is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chain saw.

No. There's a bunch of severed heads in there. What? There's about 15 severed heads in there, I'd say.

Charlie attempting to break the world record for holding breath while Frank ignores burning food to watch

Charlie gasping 'I gotta breathe, man' and Frank yelling 'No, Charlie, don't breathe! One more minute!'

Frank lamenting 'We could have been famous' after Charlie starts breathing

Frank announcing he's leaving Charlie: 'I got to get something more out of my life'

Frank's response: 'That's right. A maid. A maid I can bang'

Charlie promising Frank won't find a bang maid 'cause there's no such thing' and Frank responding 'I already did. Your mom'

Dennis, get me a harness 'cause I'll have to be swinging in the air to do this.

Back in my day, only the biggest pieces of shit dealt drugs.

I'll do it... Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth... Mac, you're too low class... I was thinking about Dennis.

Don't talk to me that way. Don't talk to me. I am your pimp. You are my ho.

Dennis is a prostitute now... No, I'm not prostitute, okay? Yes, he is... There's no banging old ladies and dudes.

You're supposed to walk like the rest of the Americans. You walk, you know? On their two feet!

How am I supposed to get home? You're supposed to walk like the rest of the Americans. You walk, you know? On their two feet!

I did have absolutely nothing to do with it... You did or you didn't? I did... You did have something to do with it? No. No. I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.

You want to join our crew, huh?... Okay, first things first. You gotta prove your loyalty... I want you... to go clean the bathrooms.

I am not a prostitute. I am providing... Let me handle this. Dennis is providing a very important service to lonely people in need.

Oh, no beer. Too many calories. Yep. It's all about keeping this body fit. Mm-hmm. Ehheh. I'll get you a nice vodka tonic.

Every pimp has a chalice. This one is the shit. You spend a shitload of money on a chalice you're just gonna eat cereal out of...

Sixty-eight tops. That's still extremely old. Well, I'm not kissing that.

No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on.

It says right here... 'No Rules.' Don't be so uptight.

I'm gonna get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. You're my one and only. You gotta do right by me, okay?

Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife. What do you think she's gonna do... call her husband and say she's banging a whore?

Where'd you get the money? I sold Frank's pimp chalice. What? That's right, you son of a bitch.

You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat. Yeah, dude. Then you can wear all the disguises you want.

So I'll have five hot dogs. I want you to mash one of' em up in a bowl. Put some milk or some water, you know? Mash it up nice and good, but, you know, four regulars, five hot dogs altogether.

Your days as a cop of this town are over. You and that mangy cat. This is a stinkin', dirty hellhole of a town. And I'm gonna clean it up.

Too volatile. Bullshit! That is bullshit!

Too much lip and very sassy. Sassy? That doesn't make sense. Like right now. You just don't know when to shut up.

Because you're the best at scheming. We need you on the outside running things. Take a knee.

We did just screw him over to kick him out of the contest, right? Absolutely, yeah. What?

We're making brownies. The drug filled kind. Shut up, Cricket!

They're filled with sedatives. You want to help me distribute them? I'll make you my number two.

Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug filled brownie... I got everybody in here to do it.

There is enough cough medicine in there to kill a gorilla. Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

Don't worry about it. I got an inside horse... Larry. That's my inside horse.

At least you're not ranked last anymore. Who's last now? Charlie. That kid really needs to learn how to read.

Spit it out! Spit it! Spit it out! Now! You too. Spit! Come on. Right there.

I killed the dear, I should get to eat it. That's the natural order.

10 point buck. Ping! Right between the sorrowful little eyes.

Like a man! Hell yeah, dude, a man? Don't even joke about hunting a man

Yeah? I was hunted once. I just came back from Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods. I had to take 'em all out. It was a bloodbath.

By the way, you know what you've just eaten, right?... That, which you have just eaten, that, which your teeth have just torn apart. Your taste buds have savored, that was human meat.

I got a guy... You got a human meat guy?... I got a guide for everything, Charlie.

You know you hunt a man, he can snap like a toig. Next thing you know, he's up at night, he's burning down a village of Nam, he's killing everything that moves, everything that lives!

They drew first blood, not you. They drew first blood!

You ate raccoon meat. I told you it was people, because I wanted to freak you out, because you're stealing my food.

You probably got a tapeworm. Raccoon meat is lousy with parasites.

I just don't understand your generation... you guys are always touching each other's nipples, putting your balls in each other's mouths.

It's not a rape van. It's a spy van. / It looks very much like a rape van to me but whatever.

I water boarded some guy. Told me everything. / You tortured somebody? / Oh, yeah. Big time.

I don't want anybody to see in. / We can't see out, Frank! / I might've overdone it a little bit.

the gas pedal's stuck or something. / Well, wobble it. / 'Wobble it'? / Yeah, wobble it back and forth. / Wiggle it. Wiggle it.

Take this fertilizer, toss it in the closet. / What the hell are we doing that for? / 'Cause when I call the cops on him, they'll come and find all this bomb-making shit and they'll arrest his money-stealing ass.

That's a baby monitor, Frank. / You're planting a baby monitor? / Yeah? / A lot of people are bugging their babies these days. / I guess babies can't be trusted.

Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes. / Why would that be shady? / Maybe the dudes are babies.

Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes. Why would that be shady? Maybe the dudes are babies.

I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer. / My sock drawer. / Yeah. / Come on. That would be stupid. / Yeah, you do.

I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer. My sock drawer. Yeah. Come on. That would be stupid. Yeah, you do.

You're setting me up, and I'm getting the hell out. Frank, get back here. You're not gonna do this to me, girl.

Okay, okay, I admit it! / What do you admit?! / I admit anything you want to hear! / Now, you admit that Bruce Mathis is a terrorist... / He's a terrorist! / and that you are working for him! / Yes, I work for him. We get our information from the top, the top cave.

All right, admit it, that Muslim guy was gonna rub me out, and that's when you jumped out of the van after I got out!

I got Dee to admit to things she never did! / Well, then it works.

Who spent $500 for laser hair removal? Right over here, slick. Don't want to have hair down there. You know what I'm saying?

Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword? Your head of security. Yeah. Just wait till he saves your life one day with it.

It's Advertising 101: long legs, taut breasts and tight poopers.

two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.

You're... ugly. What? Ugly? I'm ugly? With that anteater nose, you're telling me I'm ugly.

I went on a stud hunt. I came back with beefcake.

The first competition is the underwear competition. Boom!

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit. It is shit. This is a barnyard.

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit. / It is shit. This is a barnyard.

Rex, that is a sexy jaguar. I mean, that jaguar is fierce! I've never been turned on by a jaguar before.

Dennis, your mule is shit. I'm no longer turned on by mules. You gave Rex jaguar! There aren't jaguars in barns.

Jesus, Rex, I didn't tell you to start eating yet. That doesn't disqualify me, does it?

I put it up right after you called me ugly. There's no billboard? Oh, yeah, sorry about that, Rex.

You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt. It probably just fell out the bottom of it.

Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep?

Dennis on his bed made for kings with his toilet made out of gold.

Charlie, we sleep ass to ass, you know that.

I could just picture a girl, and then, it's good.

Dennis: 'How's he going to do that with a dick in his mouth?'

The elite sex party password being simply 'Orgy'

The 'elite orgy' being a sad buffet with old people in underwear

Frank using Charlie as a ventriloquist dummy

I like you, too, Charlie. I like you, too, New Charlie.

We want you to examine our poopie.

You have a hole in the back of your pajamas. / It's not my poop! / You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt.

You got turd? / Yeah, we got a turd. / I'll take a look at it.

My legs get hot.

Charlie, we sleep ass to ass, you know that.

I could probably squeeze something out. / I'll get some newspaper.

I did it. / I did 'em all. / I did everyone of them. / I even did one, while she was rappin us, right here.

Because poop is funny.

"I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills"

"leaving 'em to live in the hell on earth that they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."

I brought a nail gun.

I just offered to buy it. Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed.

I will put my foot down right now. You are not going in there with that cancer thing!

Mr. Bovine Joni himself.

You don't know how tough it is being me. Try walking a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me.

I've been pissing in the fountain for 50 years. To get back at their kids.

Memoires are back. The story with the doush bag, the public eats that shit.

Go download me a hoagie off the Internet.

I canceled that shit when you were nine.

I can't sift through the duds. I got to take 'em all because I got to get healthy really fast.

Pick this up and throw it through this window. Pick... throw.

What the hell's a vision board?

I'm gonna go hop in one of their beds and get some shut-eye. I'm running on fumes... I'm a very light sleeper

You-you're the crew. That's the way I do it. I hire two guys and let them sweat it out.

That broke bastard's bed is soft as shit

That show is just a bunch of manipulation to get people to cry, and then, they trick the viewers into buying shit

I said what you said to say to her, and she stabbed me in the leg with the goddamn scissors

I'm gonna record everything you do... Because I know you're gonna fail. Then, I can watch it over and over again.

They look freaky as shit.

I'm the troll guy?

Can I do it naked?

Got to play the troll toll To get into this boy's hole

You got to pay the troll toll to get in this boy's hole... No, see, right there. It sounds like 'hole'.

Because the blanket will make the rapings... I'm sorry, the sexing from behind feel more classy.

What the hell is that? / You know what it is, bitch.

I thought the rape scene went really well.

Do yourself a favor and flush it out

Hold it. I'm not spending money on another little bastard. I did that already twice.

You gotta look for shit on the walls, 'cause that's what they do. When they know they're getting thrown out of a house, they smear feces all over the wall.

That's bull-bird, man.

Hey! Hey you bastards! You jerks! / God damn it! Get out! / It's my car, i'm driving. / You jerks.

Maybe we crack that door a little bit? You're gonna flying out at the first corner? I don't think so, buddy.

'I don't have a bucket list, dude 'cause i'm not dying. Everybody's dying, bitch.'

Frank haggling: 'Those are 50 cents. I won't pay full price. So i'll give you dime.'

'I'm calling a lot of people bozo now. It's like my new thing.'

Frank, come on, the gipsy wants to barter, let's barter with him. / We don't have time to barter.

'The weird thing is, Mac had already cleared him as a security risk. Did an ocular pat-down on him.'

Dee! Sharpest item in the bar! I need it now! Let's go!

That's a $200 shoe! Look at that. Feast your eyes on your new business. Knives.

You want me to sell knives door-to-door? No. You're selling vacuums.

[Motor Roaring] Oh! [Shouts] [Motor Continues Roaring]

Actually, I'm vegan. Okay. Then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.

Owww! Ohh! Is this part of the whole thing? Oh, I cut myself! Ohh! It's a deep cut! I see your bones!

Good-bye, recession, hello, depression. You're very lucky that you're with somebody as resilient as Frank Reynolds.

We're crab people now. We'll live and die by the crab, Dee! We'll eat off the fat of the sea.

The government is reimbursing me all the money I lost! I love this country! Baby, I'm back!

i don't understand why you don't just use a cup. i'm trying to be inconspicuous. inconspicuous? your entire mouth is stained red, frank.

you're wearing a shirt that's on inside out, and it's covered in grease. it's not grease; it's sap.

sap? how did you get covered in sap? i got really wasted. i must have climbed a tree.

i thought we were going to a barbecue, frank. it's more of a party in the park. we're at a cemetery. the party is in the cemetery.

who has a party in a cemetery? your uncle max. he just croaked. flush that turd down the drain!

what are we doing here, frank? what's your angle? i want to bang your aunt donna.

i don't know how many years on this earth i got left. i'm gonna get real weird with it.

meanwhile, block the wind. i'm gonna roast this bone.

i have a proposition for you. i think you and me ought to bang.

max never liked me; i hated him. barbara didn't like you. you despised her! now what better way to get back at them in the grave-- really stick it to 'em-- if you and me plowed?

where did you come from? i've been walking next to you the entire time.

i think you should bang gail the snail. my niece? yeah. gail the snail? yeah, dude. what's more depraved than that, huh?

what's in it for you? jesus. what's in it for you? don't worry about what's in it for me, dude. my god, you are disgusting. a disgusting animal.

we did a bunch of those monster energy drinks and dry-humped. it was awful. i think she gave me poison ivy.

i'm giving frank a handy under the table. that is true.

look, snail, back off because you're just mashing it now.

where's the goddamn fire? intervention! you're surrounded, frank. there's nowhere for you to go. you're trapped.

a roast? i've always wanted to be roasted. oh, wait, let me just switch gears here. fire up this spliff.

she ain't funny. next.

you banged my dead wife? well, she was alive at the time. did you not know that?

Am i a bad boy? I'm a bad boy? Put some vegetable oil on it. That'll make you feel better. Okay. Bye, sexy.

That's my booty call, we're into some really weird food fetish stuff.

We like to put 'em in Artemis's hair and they rain down on me when we bang. I feel like a Cobb salad. It's amazing.

How many people in the room have... had sex with the bride to be? Uh, just me i hope. Whoops. Nuh uh. Over here guy.

It's your hamburger, you clean that up. And then Artemis got all bombed-out because of something i did with the onions to myself.

Put some of that on my bug bites.

Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no, they're fumigating the building for bedbugs!

I can't read every flyer that gets slipped under the door!

Leave me here to die!

The bastards took them.

Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby Doo?

That's my character, I'm the Trash Man. I come out, I throw trash all over... all over the ring... And then, I start eating garbage.

The Trash Man!

I've never been to Fiji.

How about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's Bar? Green eggs. Says 'Paddy's' on them. You keep them on your desk when you go to work.

Then you put it on your dashboard of your car.

I don't get it? You don't get it! I don't get it? You don't get it! Oh, yeah? We'll see who doesn't get it!

Open your mouth, bitch. Prepare to be blasted, bitch!

It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth!

You threw tequila in my eye! Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.

Paddy's Pub stress ball. You give this to people. They put it on their desk. Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg!

I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping, and I ease into her real nice.

I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps.

How did you get that much propulsion on the gun? I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife? ... I suppose you have a problem with that too?

Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Don't waste a good sock on a tiny little cut.

Oh, it's acting like a cut glove.

What... What are you doing now, dude? What? I'm taking the toxic skin off. Yeah, but you're cutting it with your toe knife.

So you think not eating cat food is putting on airs? You betcha!

I got two cats stuck inside this wall. Can't get 'em out. You want to bring in a third? I'm thinking maybe four.

We work very well together, okay? We're the gruesome twosome! Gruesome twosome!

They're watching Predator. You want to join? Absolutely, dude. Great. ... Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall. ... Guys? Guys? Guys, come on!

I would have gone in and bought a box of Magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.

Yeah, Dee, you just don't get it, okay? This is what men do! / Yeah. / This is what men do! / This is men stuff! / Yeah! / Men stuff!

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? / I know, the engine's not even on / That's just cruel. / I didn't. I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.

What are you doing here? / What do you mean? I'm here for the scraps.

I got my Magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. / It's amazing. / Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.

You look like a lizard. / I like turtles.

Dr. Toboggan. Nice to meet you. / Frank, what the hell are you doing? / Uh, actually, it's Mantis. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

I got your test results. You're positive. / You got the HIV. / Yes, AIDS, big-time.

Did you see her face? Look at her. Look at her. I'm breaking her down. I'm making her feel worthless.

Ooh. I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.

Get your greasy, fat sausage fingers off my touch screen phone

Frank having sausage links in his pocket and letting his shirt 'do the work' to eat them without touching

Dennis getting a movie part instantly while Dee struggles, just because Frank asks

Character named Dolph Lundgren played by Dolph Lundgren confusion

Full penetration revelation and detailed description

Dee covered in excessive blood makeup and Frank's subtle makeup

Frank firing Dennis and Dee to take their extra spots

Frank's sausage grease freezing Dennis's phone and ruining his script

Frank wearing skinny jeans, described as looking ridiculous and having a 'Humpty Dumpty vibe'

There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.

What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones? Oh, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy. And the mayo? That's shampoo.

You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?

Maybe you could be, um, team instigator... I'll instigate.

Oh, man! You got any ludes? Ludes? I don't think they make those anymore, man.

Dennis and Frank's drug-fueled rant about the disrespectful frat kids

Or I'd take a banana and stick it up some guy's ass in front of his best friend. And I'd be like, 'Hey! Banana ass! How you doing?'

Or maybe I'd, like, uh- I'd like take the tip of my penis and stick it in a guy's mouth for, like, just a second, you know what I mean? Like while he was sleeping.

Well, what I'm doing is I'm cutting the shower curtain in half waist high so that when he's in using it, people can see his junk.

I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes! Next year the I.R.S. Will audit the piss out of him!

Frank creating a poop swastika on Art's lawn

Frank struggling to remove his skinny jeans while the others try to help

Frank struggling with skinny jeans - can't remove them, no circulation

Here, let me hit you with a two-by-four. You won't feel anything. No. I don't want to play that game anymore.

Frank and Charlie moving pennies with Charlie throwing them on the floor and Frank getting angry

Neither of you would be the woman. You're both men. Are you kidding me? Is this what you've been upset about the whole time? Which one of us is going to be the woman?

I'm not going to get my dick cut off and sold to China. Spend the rest of my life on a treadmill like this guy.

Two dudes getting married... that doesn't seem very gay. Yeah, right? It's not... Yeah, right, yeah, okay. Two cool married... dudes. Not gay.

Hey, did they really sell your dick to China? No. I can tell by your stare the answer is no.

I used to eat 'em when I was a kid. You can't buy 'em in the stores no more. Why is that? The goddamned EPA. They says they're toxic. Toxic my ass. I mean, they're just endangered. They're tasty, man.

I asked you to toss 'em! You threw 'em overhand! That's the way I throw! Jump in there and get 'em. I'm not going in there. I don't sink. What? I get in there, I just bob around like a cauliflower.

I got a tooth. It's like a horse's tooth or something. And look at this ***. This is a war relic. This could be valuable. What the hell happened down there? Some kind of horse massacre? Could be.

Come on, man. I throw overhand, Charlie. ♪ Stop Drop Shut 'em down, open up shop... ♪

Now, let's see. Start with this beautiful baby here. Whoa. Crash and burn. Holy mackerel. Die, you sucker! Oh, baby, look out.

Oh, my God, what the hell did you do to our boat?! Uh, we were cleaning it. Wow, wow, wow, what's that all about? You're just breaking everything in this boat. You were supposed to be fixing it up and making it look nice.

We're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party? We got to socialize. I could socialize. Uh, no. Not looking like you're looking. You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of shit, so... You're skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over you.

And you can taste that sort of endangered tang. That's it. Hey, man, yeah, absolutely. I'll get right on that. That's how you patronize someone right there.

Uh, hey, um, what do you do if the boat is on fire? What do you mean? The boat is on fire. What?! Fire's getting bigger. Fire's getting big. Bail!

Find some water. Find some water?! Find some water. What do you mean find some water? There's water everywhere. Help! Help us.

I thought we told you guys to beat it. Out of my way. No more Diddy boat. Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the w... Endangered my ass. There's a billion of them out there.

Damn catfish nipping at my heels all the way. Endangered my ass. There's a billion of them out there.

Charlie, where's the boat? What happened to the boat? It's right there. This was a terrible investment.

Because they got great banter. They jib-jab. Jib-jab, jib-jab, jib-jab.

Do not speak until I turn my tape over... I taped over my Luther Vandross mix!

What the hell is a podcast? Why don't you just tape it?

I lied about the chicken, Crick.

Lemons? You suck on 'em.

How 'bout if we talk about how you used to bang each other?

You're gonna pay me $500 to drink soup out of a shoe. And take your top off. Fine. I'll do it. But I am not taking my top off.

Pass. ... Just let me finish. Pass. It's too much work. What else you got?

I quit on that shit. You understand? I quit on it. I don't give a rat's ass about class. I live on the fringe. Fringe class is where I am.

We could go pop a hydrant.

I bartered fringe style with that guy over there. I gave him a bite of my hot dog, he's letting me use his towel.

You grease the watermelon up, you throw it in the pool. Everybody goes crazy trying to grab it. They can't grab it. Greased watermelon!

This Filipino lady went crazy on me. She started scratching me like a velociraptor.

I think I have a way for us to beat the heat tonight... Philly style.

Hell, no, I'm not going to take care of you; you were a terrible father to me.

Josh Groban comes to town and we consider it a call to action. What you're saying is very dorky.

Just make believe I'm your slave.

You still get periods?

Dog looks like a gargoyle. He smells like piss.

As soon as you drop the soap, they rape your butt. Mac told me.

I should dump her under the bridge.

What is going on with my face?! It's the bedbugs.

Oh, I think Poppins got into the juice. He's dead? Yes! He's dead!

We got to spend a lot of time in the Civil War section. / No, we're not doing the Civil War section, Frank.

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

I-I browned out that evening. / Browned out? What's browned out? / Oh, it's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a blackout, 'cause I remember bits and pieces. I like to call it browning out.

There's a good reason for that, Frank. Because I think Mac just made it up on the spot. / I did. / You did? / That's a great term... browning out. / You like it? / I love it!

She wears it well. Woof, woof. She wears it very well.

First of all, don't say I went as Spider-Man. I didn't go as Spider-Man. I was Man-Spider. Totally different.

She incorporated a bun in the lovemaking. She took the-the... the dough and rolled it up into a ball, and then she... And we were going berserk.

Don't flush.

We got to get you and that monster that's in your gut down to Mexico ASAP.

You look like a turkey. / Yeah. Also I would say, I would say you look like an-an ostrich. / Yes! / You know, I was... I want to call her an emu, but I want to save it for, you know... You are big, fat, flightless bird.

Gregg Jeffries baseball card - 'Future All-Star, future All-Star' / 'It wasn't valuable then'

It's the fattening

Who's this jag-off?

Who's this old son of a bitch? / Don't kiss him

I am. I'm his living situation / Yeah, we share a bed

Night Crawlers discussion and blanket strategy

You take a piece of dirt. Exactly, you can use it as a force field, or as a roaming base.

It is either him, or it is me / Him / Yeah / I was going to say him, too

Sterling silver clover ring ceremony

Well, it's 'cause it's not a shrimp, Frank; it's a prawn. / Yeah, and I don't like prawns, so I eat around them.

Laurence Olivier in Othello. Perfect. That's the classiest actor of all time.

Yeah, and you got to make the lips funny. Oh, no! No, no, no. What? They have to be funny. The lips have to be outlined.

The whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish. Frank, if you're starting with shoe polish, you're starting off on the wrong foot, buddy.

Turns out someone taint - Someone tapped the tainted water supply. We should have cut him out completely.

Sounds like you guys are having a great party. Why wasn't I invited?

Today's his birthday. Are you kidding me?

For one day let's make this lowly rat killer feel like a king.

Fill bar with sand. Roast wild pig. Invite Duncan and crew.

What the hell's the matter with you?! How did you get so cynical?

Because I read it in his dreambook.

Charlie keeps a book of dreams and aspirations. They're mostly in pictures and symbols

That cynical bitch.

they caught a guy jerking off in here and they're going to send in a crew to wipe down the loads.

It's not my birthday, though... No, dicks, it's my birthday.

Were you trying to get us to plan your surprise party?... this way I get my surprise party and I give you the satisfaction of doing something nice for somebody.

Frank says 'Whatever' dismissively to Dennis's heartfelt thanks for 'the opportunity of a lifetime'

Frank wants to 'fiddle around with and play with' exotic creatures at an animal rights event

Frank brutally responds 'Hot? Dee, you're pregnant as shit'

Frank reveals he's avoiding tolls despite spending tons on charity, leading to the 'toll jockey' rant

Mac yells 'Squirrel!' and Frank crashes the car trying to avoid hitting it

Mac defends making Frank crash: 'You almost ran over that squirrel' vs Frank: 'So you should have let me mash it'

Frank reveals he only donated money to 'make a mockery of their cause' at the animal rights event

Frank declares 'Animals should be food, rugs and trophies' while wearing a leather suit

Dennis realizes Frank's suit is leather, then asks 'Who wears a plastic suit?' when Frank questions his assumption

Frank dismisses Charlie's complaints by saying a private jet would be 'a total waste of money' for 80 miles

Frank won't walk because his leather suit is 'chafing me up like crazy'

Frank whispers to Mac about his staring contest with a rabbit: 'We've been staring at each other for ten minutes'

Frank's spiritual interpretation: 'He's looking at me like he can see right through my soul'

Frank's crow funeral confession: 'I kicked a dog in a subway once, it was a real jerk move'

Frank and Mac singing 'Ave Maria' at the crow funeral while orchestral music plays

Frank's nonsensical charity speech: 'If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die under a bus'

Frank revealing 'I ate the crow' and that it's 'tearing me up inside'

Frank's delayed revelation: 'I ate the crow' while writhing in pain

Everyone's defeated reaction: 'nature is bullshit' after watching the rabbit get killed

What are your bridge friends doing here? You gotta give it the illusion of a party. It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.

Are you high on blow? Whatever Duncan gave me. You don't even know what you're high on?

I used to have some jean shorts like that too. I slept in them shits, man. Eventually, I blew the crotch out of them things. But you can't wear 'em every day and expect for 'em to hold up. That was some nice-ass denim too. I miss them shorts. But you gotta take 'em off every now and then. You gotta take 'em off, son.

I couldn't decide who the dad was, so I brought everybody. You didn't try and decide who the dad was. You just got high. Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.

We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We're gonna be the fathers. It has been decided, so sayeth Thor. Thor said it. The who? Thor. Who Thor? Is that your Greek God reference? He's a Nordic God.

So, what I'm confused on is the mother is the father and the father is black And the baby's not black, so - It's all been explained. Yeah. I'll talk you through it later.

Supposing it's storming and a guy loses his ring And it goes into the gutter? You gotta come up with something else, Frank. You can't keep using the same - Like, give me some crack. You know what I'm sayin', dawg?

Frank crashes through the window: 'Goddamn it! Merry Christmas, bitches!'

Frank's fake-out with the designer bag: 'You wantee? Fake-out! It's mine.'

Frank keeps snacks in designer bag: 'And I use it to keep in my Cheesy Loops and chocolate-covered malted milk balls.'

'Do not speak ill of the dead.' 'She's speaking ill of you!'

Frank's panic during ghost scene: 'Fire! Fire! Fire! We're gonna die!'

'There's nothing in there.' 'Fake-out! There's nothing in any of 'em!'

Frank's couch hiding plan: 'That's what I do at home all the time- hide in the couch. I catch Charlie pounding off all the time.'

Frank naked in the couch: 'It's too hot in the couch.' 'Why are you naked, Frank?'

Frank's death philosophy: 'When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.'

'I didn't say the elf had no pants on.' 'Oh. I might have added something in my brain there at the end.'

That woman seems like a prostitute. That's because she is.

I'm gonna make that whore my wife.

That-that broad is a live wire. I'm goin' outside, 'cause this place is shit hole!

But she's still plowing other dudes. In fact, Tiger Woods has been calling her lately.

Charlie! Stop wearing clothes you find washing up under bridges. Oh, they're boiled, yeah. Yeah! We boil all our denim.

I signed you up on a dating Web site. I got you a date, dude! This girl does think she's meeting a millionaire. Why'd you say that, Charlie?

A night with a limo driver? This is a good idea.

I feel like I'm a four year old going to my sister's wedding.

I found a whole case of eggs under a bridge last week-- perfect condition. None of them missing. None of them cracked.

Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?

And I love boiling denim and banging whores! And I don't care if anybody doesn't like that about me.

I'm still gonna pay you, but I want you to stop banging other guys. What do you say? Want to be my wife or what?

The bitch is dead! How could she be dead? I'm telling you her heart popped.

I think Roxy would have wanted it that way. Well, there you go. Frank would know.

Roxy, God bless you. You were a good whore. You serviced me like no other whore ever did. Not only my crank, but my heart.

Frank burning photo albums containing cherished Jersey Shore vacation memories while the gang protests

Frank: 'You sucked, okay? You just complained the whole time and ruined it for everyone else.'

Now, this ocean, explain it to me. It's, like, it goes on forever? / Go to sleep, go to sleep.

'I've never seen the ocean.'

The chloroform knockout plan

'So, I woke up, like, halfway there, and then you just snuffed me out again, huh, Mac?'

Frank's reaction to seeing the ocean for the first time

'What's on the other side of it there?' 'Europe.'

'Taxic spill' sign that Frank notices

Ham soaked in rum as Frank's version of drinks

Frank getting stuck with a needle/syringe on the beach

'Might you say we're getting hammered.'

Might you say we're getting 'hammered.' / Oh, nice one.

The gang fighting off swarming wild dogs for their ham

Where's the beach? / Frank, wake up. / What? What's the matter? / Where's the beach? / We're in the middle of the goddamn ocean!

Frank's plan to 'conk out' and let the current take them back

Frank abandoning the raft to chase the floating rum ham

'I'm sorry, rum ham.'

Gargle some more water, bitch. / I've been gargling. / Well, don't snap at me. / Well, quit acting so bossy.

Frank suggesting cannibalism and keeping the knife

'Maybe I am, maybe I ain't, rum ham.'

'It should have been you!' Frank screaming at Mac about the lost rum ham

Getting rescued by the Guidos from Jersey Shore

'I love the Jersey Shore.' 'Oh, you love it so much here, get in the goddamn car, you fat fat ass, fat fat ass.'

Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys. Oh. Are you okay? Oh! I think you broke your nose.

Oh, strange man, titty bar.

Because you make a lot of cash, and you ogle some broads.

That's the problem.

I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that. That's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar.

Do I look suspicious? You look grotesque.

I had it done at a funeral home. Where in the hell am I going to go-- to the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's? You go to a funeral home to get gruesome repairs.

Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.

I figure he's a cretin. Why would I have a cretin like that near me if I have something to hide?

Which one of these talented, uh, entertainers, who I am not attracted to at all, will be the winner? I'm not attracted to any of them, none of them.

You bang the dead bodies? I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? Dead body's like a piece of trash.

Fill me up with cream. Make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river.

That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy.

What'd it taste like?

How many babies you need? Yeah. Just the one baby. How long? Couple hours?

You want it for life or you...? Just a short-time baby.

Wolf Cola, that's a bogus soda distributor. I made it up. It's fake!

You are not eating a hoagie. You are just jamming meats and cheeses inside of your mouth. I like to make it in my mouth. It tastes better.

Dramatic reveal as Frank and Gino spot each other

BOTH: The love of my life. Well, this just got more interesting.

How old are you, boy? Nineteen. Shit, you don't look a day over 12.

You got a huge set on you. Excuse me? Pipes-- you got a great voice.

I'm gonna open a jazz joint of my own someday-- an integrated place where blacks and whites can get along. No Orientals, though.

White man. Get down. Whoa, why were you shoving her head down? You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress.

Negress? What? Whatever the proper word was. Well, it's not that, it's a different word. It wasn't that. We're talking '60s terms.

The club name pronunciation argument: 'Shady-nasty's?' / 'Shadynasty's, asshole.'

Wait. Why did Reggie get more years than you? You beat the man half to death. He was black. Those were the days.

No drugs, no guns... No trouble. Hey, I could eat. Give me something. Help yourself. Make a sandwich in your mouth. It tastes really good. I know how to do it. I'm the one who taught you to do it!

Gino's denial about dancing with guys

No, no, I never danced with no guys. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. No-no, no-no-no-no. I'm going to tell you how it went.

I was quality control for his Colombian cocaine connection. I'd become everything I hated.

But mostly doing cocaine. (snorting) (yelling) Ah! That part was a blast actually. (yelling)

The ridiculous spy-speak phone conversation

I found the new love letters you've been writing to her, Frankie. Talking about meeting up again and running away. What are you talking about? I haven't written to her in years.

I don't see a black woman anywhere. No. I mean, there's her, but... That's her! What? Really? That is not at all what I was picturing.

Oh... Guess times kind of haven't changed much, huh? If I'm being honest, she looked like shit. Mm. Yeah. She did not age well at all. No. Did she ever look good? She was never attractive.

I guess black can crack. That's still... still kind of racist. Yeah, that's racist.

What are you wearing? Oh, I got all riled up by the weather report and ain't a drop of rain out there, so I put this old trash bag on to keep myself protected.

And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor? / Uh, you've probably been banging in the bunker, right? / Guilty. / I've been watching him bang in here.

I don't rape girls, come on. / Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...

Is that a pickled egg? / No, it's an egg I brought from home.

When it's white people, it's survival, and when it's black people, it's looting. / No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread, and the black people are stealing speakers.

How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

I happened to be out in L.A. during the riots. I was on business. / And to steal ski equipment, I guess. / Yeah, well, I went in for a loaf of bread, I took some skis. Everybody's happy.

Yeah, well, he was probably down here with Mac, watching you rape girls and eating pickled eggs. I don't rape girls, come on. Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...

It's Cricket! / Cricket. / Oh, what are you doing down here, Cricket? / I come down the bunker sometimes when it rains.

It's freezing outside. / You're gonna catch cold and then everyone's going to get sick in the bunker. / What are you talking about, freezing? It's sunny as shit.

Don't make me do it, Cricket, I will slice you in half.

3-D boobies. Now, this is news.

No! No! / No, no... No! 'Cause we're not playing! / Yes! / What's 'Chardee MacDennis'?

Drinking is the game, Frank. It's the whole point of it. / I'm not going to play any game in which I'm not getting annihilated.

The winner gets to smash the other team's game pieces. / That's the prize? / You get to smash the team's game pieces? / Oh, it's incredibly gratifying.

Once the game begins, you are not allowed to ask any questions. / Yes! In fact, if you do, don't say a question, look it up in the book of rules, okay? / Jesus Christ!

What the shit are you doing? / Goddamn it, Frank. / You asked a question! / Goddamn it!

Frank immediately breaking the no-questions rule

Oh, if only the answer was ribs. / Kicking, kicking. / He got it!

'Swallow this card whole.' / Cheating! Cheating! / You've been caught cheating.

Can questions now I ask that clock stop-ed? / Okay, just 'cause you jumble up the words doesn't make it not a question.

They advance, do we? / Ah, yes, I'll explain it to you, Frank. / It can get a little confusing. / It's a goddamn mind boggler. / Yeah, I've never really understood it

Going to 'jail' which is actually a dog kennel

Frank, see, you don't get it. There's no jail on the board. So you go in there. / You got to be kidding me. / No, jail's a dog kennel.

You can get out, but you're not going to like how. You got to eat a cake. That's sounds good. It's not. You have to eat the ingredients of a cake.

This is water. / Aha! I knew it! / Well... I knew it was water. / When he threw his beer in my face, I could taste it.

'Tails never fails!' becoming the rallying cry

Tails never fails. / Tails never fails! / Tails never fails.

In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...

We'll do a really cool video of how we serve gin in spaghetti cans or something like that.

Say, 'I got infected.' Get that away from me.

Welcome to Paddy's Pub... the oldest pub in America. Well, that's not true. Right. No, I lied. Everybody lies on the Internet.

'Cause we also got donkey shows, Motley Crue and cake.

I am a doctor... Dr. Toboggan. Mantis Toboggan.

Yippee-i-ki-yay.

She's banging Leno. If she was banging Jay Leno, why would she have to buy a bunch of tickets to his show?

The little bitch has got a suitcase. Frilly little dress, pink nightie.

I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a peep.

What the shit is going on around here?

A meat bomb!

Charlie, don't go in the crevice.

Hey, that's good. You want to do that to people?

Well, I tell you one thing. I could walk faster than we're moving.

Dude, hangs dong. I told them that! I told them! I don't want to miss that!

A cab? Dee, don't be a fool! We'll never get a cab out here. Plus, we'll just sit in traffic like everybody else.

We'll come back for you! You bastards!

Captain Tom turned out to be a goddamn junkie!

That's a big building. It's a brick building, red brick building. I don't know that the hell it is. It's a old building.

It's home to many weird fish-like creatures. And also the depository of all of the unsolved crimes and murders in Philadelphia.

You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. I was saying 'soul.' He thought I was saying 'boy's hole.'

Frank's insane boat tour rambling about Charlie, waitress, crack, baby, troll song

One of the things I like doing most is banging whores. I go out and bang a lot of whores.

One of the things I like doing most is banging whores. I, uh, I go out and bang a lot of whores.

No hesitation. No surrender. No surren... Oh, shit. I surrender.

I'd like to report a bomb threat.

Frank being denied entry for not being faculty or alumni, then drinking alone in parking lot

We smashed all the beers.

Look, I got myself a name tag. I'm Nicki Potnick.

Wow, I just shook your dead tooth wife. I mean, I had to wash my hands and face.

Mac and Frank getting wedgied and stuffed in lockers by Adriano and friends

If you're dealt a bunch of lemons, you got to take those lemons and stuff them down somebody's throat until they see yellow.

Frank's incoherent motivational speech about lemons

Well, the thing of it is, is that, uh, there's the lemon stuff. Right. And then you got Mac, who's a rat. And Dee's body brace. And, uh, and that's the thing of it, and... It's good.

[The gang performs an elaborate dance routine that completely bombs]

[Frank vomiting sounds]

FRANK: Who invited the Jew lawyer? Not Jewish. Hold on, punk. He's clear.

Frank immediately doing an 'ocular pat-down' on the lawyer and declaring 'He's clear'

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ! Ugh! I didn't have a chance to tidy.

Yeah, what is the overwhelming smell? Oh, that's the soup. Yeah, well, if he doesn't finish, sometimes I leave 'em for him, and then I forget and then months go by.

Look, the guy always said he had Nazi treasure stashed away. I figure I spend some time with him, he gives it to me.

I do not like this painting, Charlie. Its smug aura mocks me. It's evil, Charlie. (echoes): Evil.

Frank being 'stuck in a window' at Pop-Pop's house looking for treasure

Help me out of here! I'm stuck! I can't get out of here! Frank? What is happening? What are you doing? I'm trapped. That goddamn trunk is booby-trapped.

That's an even worse ending. It's so complicated. I can't even follow the goddamn story. I-I don't care. Dude, Gosling. Gosling will not play you!

Let's pull up our bootstraps, oil up a couple asses and do a little plowing of our own. Pow!

Not gay sex.

Meanwhile, I dress Dee up like a whore, get a city official, bribe him, and make him give us the contract

You're presenting yourself as a banana.

♪ I still got the moves... ♪

♪ I still got the moves... ♪

What's a twunk? Twink and a hunk. A twink with muscles, but still hairless. So smooth. Incredibly smooth.

Some cocks can't be unsucked.

I forgot. / Well, I guess we'll be the ones to slink away.

Just don't like getting bussed up there. I feel like we're gonna be trapped.

I'm here to support my friend, Bill Ponderosa. I'm his AA sponsor!

I just got tagged by a bat! He got you. I got tagged! Suck out the poison, Dee!

I'll give you $200, you suck it out. $200? I'll do it!

Did you swallow it?! Of course I swallowed. Make yourself throw up!

Well, I feel it would be best if I pounded a beer. I'll support that decision.

You're my sponsor, Frank. Come on. My support system. Right, right, right. Of course. So, do whatever you feel is best.

Well, I feel it would be best if I pounded a beer. I'll support that decision.

I feel like maybe I should do some drugs then, you know? That bad? You earned it.

You're a bad sponsor. Why? I supported every decision he wanted to make.

My uncle even drowned in a vat of their molten steel. He didn't drown, he burned up. Yeah, he probably burned. Yeah, I don't think he drowned.

This is like Lady Di being plucked from the streets like the trash she was and the trash that Charlie and Dee are.

Putting rat poison in her shampoo. Just gonna make her hair fall out. Crazy.

Guess Charlie had the cruelest intentions of all, huh?

The food was mush. / The food was divine. It was pheasant.

It sounds like a pasta dish.

I ain't talking about nothing! This skull is Fort Knox.

Got me so scrambled up. Next thing you know, I was shanghaied upstate to a nitwit school.

Not just for nuts in the head. Bodies, too. Back then, science was real crude. They stuck us all together.

My roommate was a frog kid. You ever see a frog kid?

Got my first kiss there.

She was an angel. Always smiling. That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

She died two weeks later. She thought she was a space man with a plastic bag for a helmet.

Oh, you unzipped me. It's all coming back. I hate you!

Dennis, there was another twin in your mother's womb. We were going to call him Donnie. You and Deandra devoured him before he could be born. You gobbled him up.

You would've been the good one. It would've been Bruce's kid anyway, Frank.

How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank? / Three. / Hmm? / Four.

The point is my mind is as sharp as a... what do you call it? Um, it's a... Knife? No, uh, what you put... What you... What you...

Thumbtack. / What? / Thumbtack. / We were talking about things that earlier that were sharp, and a thumbtack is sharp.

Ha-- I was just out buying new shoes and I remembered I didn't want to give you that hundred bucks. / Yeah, and then you called me and you said you changed your mind and you'd like to give me another hundred, so where is it? / I did? / Yeah. / Ah, shit.

Can you conjure the dead? Can you get my dead whore wife back here so I can lay into her from the other side?

Aw, there's a dead dog in there! / Gross! / That's not a dog. That's my toupee, my blond toupee. I used to wear this in Miami.

Dennis. Dennis! / Mom's alive. She faked her own death to steal Frank's money, and we think it's buried in her grave.

Ah, shit! No! No! Mommy, Mommy! / Ah! I grifted ya! / What are you talking about? / I paid off the psychic. I buried the money in the dog grave. My mommy, my mommy's a skeleton!

You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it? / Score one for the old people. Ha ha!

Hey, Frank, how do you know that these are crow's eggs? Because I saw a crow.

Charlie can't read. He'll adapt. He'll adapt to reading?

Also, there are too many minorities and women working here. What's up with that?

Let me ask you a question. Did I just do your job for you? Uh, I-I guess so. You're fired.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, we don't build anything. Leave that to the Chinks.

No, I want to eat sushi off of some Jap broad's tits.

Brian LeFeve. Who? Brian LeFeve. The wallet they found? Holy shit!

What are you talking broken English for? I thought they could understand me better if I...

You're fired... You keep talking about products and quality and making things... You're out.

I stripped the company, sold it to the Chinks, and they shut it down. In a sense, you're all fired.

I stripped the company, sold it to the Chinks, and they shut it down. In a sense, you're all fired.

I thought you loved the company. I do. But not more than money.

I do. But not more than money.

Speaking of which, tell me more about this Crowtein.

Bar patron recognizing Frank and Mac: 'You're the donkey man and the princess, right?'

Frank making stock trades while playing the game, saying 'ZingingCutie44 is back, so I'm out'

Frank describing his female avatar: 'I'm banging all the fishermen in sight for fish and I'm also being catty with all the women in the game, like I'm a Real Housewife'

Frank: 'We could be in a turtle's dream in outer space.'

Frank as SweetPeaches69 wearing mink coat, claiming 'Guy gave it to me for going down on him'

Frank, you are SweetPeaches69? How did you get so many followers?

Frank: 'I just got sent a whole box of peaches... real ones. I'm eating like a goddamn islander.'

Where are your 101 Dalmatians tonight? He's better at the zings than you!

I'm sure at some point they'll come over to pay tribute.

Can't believe this. They still haven't paid tribute. It's been ten minutes.

Living with you has... changed my life. I-I used to be unaware...

One glass of wine for two people, and house red? That wasn't nice. They're just trying to agitate us.

We'll say, we don't want that. You know? We'll-we'll tell them that, uh, what is it, Chilean wine is out of season, and that their taste in wine in general is very poor.

Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie. You bought a business together; they made you a janitor.

Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly. We would like to make a toast.

Those people refuse to drink. Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute. They hate America! They hate the troops.

They hate America! They hate the troops. They hate the people who work hardest for them. They turn them into janitors.

Have you been here this entire time?

Charlie's confusing tape directions causing Frank to get lost

'You don't know where I am, tape!'

'Oh, Sandra. You dumb bitch.'

Frank can't see because he needs new lenses, not glasses

Dennis was eating cereal while driving

Frank admitting to having 'a lot' of unregistered guns

Everyone immediately starts using the Trial Meter despite Dennis's objections

Frank's official donkey brain certificate reveal

Frank's traumatic 'Frankie Donkey Brains' childhood nickname story

Dennis demonstrating his point by spilling wine on Frank

Everyone's complete ignorance of destroying Dee's cars

Dennis and Frank running when nobody said it was a race

Frank crashing into Dennis again

Blaming Dee for the second crash

I chartered a jet. We flew all over Philadelphia for six hours

And I'm a garbage man. He's a garbage man! He's your garbage man! You've met him

Frank eating a sandwich during a serious TV interview about being mugged

I'm starving. You don't have nothing to eat in this show.

I don't know if they wanted money or they wanted something more sexual.

But it's a lucky thing I had my pieces. Your-your pieces? My guns.

Anyway, I started blasting. Bah! Bah!

Now, I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away, I ran after them.

Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so good either.

Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that responsibility.

They also protected us from tyranny against the seizure of tasteful, artistic photographs of beautiful bodies. Not now, Jack. That same government wants to come into our home, tell us what is and what is not art?

Guns? No. Water filters. Water filters? All right, guys, load 'em in. Very nice.

I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared. They bought the guns, I made a fortune.

This is America: you're either a duper or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.

Do you know that 90% of your water is 100% toxins? Who knows what the other 10% is? It's probably far worse, I would imagine. It's really worse.

With much dignity and grace, we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award. Now, in the past, our group has not... paid you any attention, but now we are prepared to pay... you what you deserve... in attention, if you get my drift.

Ten dollars. - Huh? The entry fee is ten dollars. All you have to do is fill out the-the paperwork.

That's a joke. - Hey, you know, that's just, like, all in good fun, man. That's just our sense of humor-- you'll get us.

That wasn't meant for you, that was actually meant for you. - Yeah, that was meant for him. - We thought maybe you would think that was funny.

I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg. - Why would you give him an egg? - It's like a paperweight.

There's a broken egg in here. - Oh, shit. That wasn't the hardboiled one. Hey, you want me to cook that up for you?

Our secret's out, and it stinks. This manager's been to Paddy's, and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

This manager's been to Paddy's, and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

There weren't a lot of people in there, but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

Put it in. Put the bottle in. - Oh, my God. I did. Put it in. - Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying! Don't judge me-- this is art.

Frank? What is this? You're stuck? Was this your plan?

How did this happen? How does anything happen, Charlie? Move past it, will ya?

It's a pyramid scheme. It's not a pyramid scheme. It's a reverse funnel system. Turn it upside down. Oh, shit!

It's Saturday coming up. There's gonna be kids here!

Is it a sexual thing? No, just get me the hell out! It doesn't matter! Matters to me; I don't think I can move past it.

How can you all be so gullible? This is different, Frank. Tell him. This asshole tried to sell us one week. We took the prick for three.

You think he didn't want to sell you as many weeks as possible?

He went over there, probably saw some pretty serious carnage. He's gonna have some bad PTSD. If we trigger that, he'll be putty in our hands.

Hey! Hey, easy, easy, easy. I gotta get out of here! Get me out of here!

Holy shit, there's two of them.

Okay, everybody grab some grease. Why? Because we're gonna grease up these beefcakes. No! No! Come on! No!

It's so much more comfortable when someone's gay and open about it. And, like, I know we've never said this as a group, but... Mac's gay. Yeah, Mac's gay. He's gay. He's gay.

You made a poopy in your pants! Did anybody else do a poopoo in their pants? No. Of course not. This is our head of security!

Actually, we won't. Because it's officially Frank Day, so... All right, Pee Country Mac.

A fisherman always spots another fisherman from afar.

I dares it... I dar-dar-dar... A crammy hand... A crammy handle bit.

I... am... God.

Oh, get him off me! Goddamn it, stop! Whoa, easy, puppy.

You know, you don't have to sleep together. It's a comfort thing.

Going house to house, handling money, banging lonely broads. They're filthy!

Look at all the hair. Look at the hair. It's like a goddamn barber shop.

That's what carries the disease, Dennis-- the hair. We don't really need it. Look at us. We're evolving without it. We came from the apes, and look at us now. One day, we'll be completely hairless and totally pure.

Were you eating pizza and drinking beer up there? Yes, Frank, I was eating and drinking in a ceiling. I mean, will you use your head?

Charlie, look at that. Look how clean I am. Dude, you look like a shriveled raisin.

When I get out of here, I'm gonna clean Philadelphia. Good. A giant cleanse. Well, good luck with that. Not the city... the population.

Frank? Oh, my God! What the hell did you do to yourself? I just want to be pure.

You ready for your sponge bath? Shit.

Let me guess this straight. You just realized that you have two ears?

But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday. We're the Gruesome Twosome.

You speak Mandarin? Well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.

The thing about the cripple. What cripple? Why are you speaking? Stephen Hawking. Dear God, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.

All right, I'll give you the money. But we do the movie my way. I want... what I want. And you know what I want.

So you got one of those snafus, where you got old assholes-- It's a deadlock.

The Indians, they've got sports teams, they've got casinos. They're a very celebrated people.

Why do you always want people to sign creepy documents?

These crackers need more salt. I agree. Okay, well, they're extremely salty.

Doctors are shit. Goddamn medicine men, trying to tell me how to eat my food.

I could give the whole month's rent right here. I'll take it. But I'm not gonna do it, because I'm not gonna let you beat me

Who's this jabroni? I have no idea. Slam the door on his face. See you, Bozo.

She's mashing it. She does that. I'm very aroused.

Oh. I have a horrible drug problem. You want to do a bump here?

I'll have a few of those delicious nose clams.

Why is my room on fire? I may have started a money fire.

how many beers are we allowed to order at once? I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.

How about you make it an even dozen? How about I start you with two apiece and then we just take it from there?

I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.

Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms? No, I'm afraid we don't. Aw... Yeah. I'll have to figure something else out.

I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.

Because that's already a thing. It's called the Mile High Club. People have been doing it since planes have been around. That name sucks.

I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight, somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.

Don't worry about it. I laced it with sleeping pills. He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.

Mantis Toboggan, MD.

You want this young man to live, you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape, a bag of peanuts and four beers.

One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747! Luckily, I'm a pilot, too. I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.

You've had 14 beers. You don't know that. It's written on your shirt.

I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do. They say I can't drink on a plane. They say I can't bang on a plane. They'll say I can't be a pilot. I can't be a doctor. I'm gonna do it.

Just leave me here.

The next thing you know, it was all asses and hands and tits and... I could slip right in and out without anybody noticing. It was great.

All right, here's to orgies.

Corral him, because God knows he'll never ask you.

You sound like a 12-year-old. It's a total turn-off. My cock ring is sliding off.

Oh, shit. It fell off. Help me find it.

I got a great one about a dago fisherman. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Ethnic jokes are really dicey.

There's this dago fisherman... Oh, shit! No, no, Charlie... Charlie, we got it, we got... Oh, shit! There goes my cock ring!

I lived with these maniacs in the loony bin. There is no curing those psycho bastards... but once your brain's a piece of shit, it's always a piece of shit.

Sorry about the stuff I was saying about, uh... the mentally insane... earlier. Did that anger you? ...I didn't mean to call... psychotic people 'mutants.'

so they just cut all the loonies loose? - What? How could they do that? That's-that's insane! - I guess it was either that or raise our taxes.

What?! Raise my taxes? Come on. How much do these vultures need? I already pay a ton in taxes... I'm not paying more in taxes, Dee. I won't do it. Don't speak of it again!

It's okay, Froggy. I'll keep you moist.

Th-This is the nitwit school I was shanghaied to when I was a kid... That one that you had your mommy tell them to tell you that you didn't have donkey brains.

One time, we escaped and they chased us down with those big nets they use to catch dogs.

Do you have some sort of donkey brain database? - No. - I'm looking for a kid, the frog kid. Just search for any half-man, half-amphibious creature.

...you are Froggy. - Huh? - It was you, Frank! You are the frog kid!

We have to catch the froggy. Put that down. Get out of here! - Here we go, come on... - I'm not sick anymore! I'm not a frog! - I know I'm not a frog! - Catch the froggy!

Frank, Jesus Christ, man, where are your shoes? - I lost 'em in the bathroom.

You flushed your shoes down the toilet? Why would you do that? It's an anxiety thing, Charlie.

Flushing things gives me control. It's a thing. - That's not a thing.

Oh, son of a bitch. Did you flush your shirt? - Yep.

Oh, shit! This thing's tits!

Are you sure? Maybe he's a racist, too.

I'm painting a shirt!

Something stinks here, Charlie, and it ain't just the fish.

Charlie, I trust the Chinese as far as I could throw their factory.

You're talking to me like you know me. Have we ever met?

Holy shit! Holy shit...

I think what you're gonna find when you're spying on the general population is that everyone is just, uh... masturbating, constantly. I know I am.

I mean, what, what if I said I wanted to become a man cheetah right now, what would you do? / I'd go get the spots. / He's got spots!

Does she have a dick?

There's a Jew trying to buy us out of everything. You want to get him back?

You're Charlie. / No, you're too tall. / By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies? You could be Dee, but you're smaller. You got a better body, I think.

Yeah. These are all underage kids-- tweens and such. I never got to do that scheme.

Hey-yo! Check out my new threads. Picked them up at the airport. What were you doing at the airport? I don't know, just farting around.

"Life is happy"? What the hell is that? Well, it's-it's clothing that supports a positive message. I mean, you wear it and you celebrate that life is happy, baby.

You guys are depressing. I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here. Turn that crap off! Yeah, baby! There they are! The usual suspects! Pondy!

She looks like a cat. Cats are magical. I kind of like... I mean, maybe you could get some fur. Oh, I like that idea. What are you talking? No! Yeah. You could go full cat and start wearing humans on your sweatshirt.

Okay, so, uh, I like a good mani-pedi. You know, you get your... you get your nail beds clean, you get your cuticles pushed back, right? You get your hangnails all trimmed up... by one of those nice ladies over there. You know, a lot of those are sex workers.

They're trafficked in. Usually in shipping containers. I mean, they're, like, crammed in there, you know, like-like sardines, shipped with sardines sometimes. It's ugly, but the point is, those ladies doing your nails probably tugged a guy off right before you.

The, uh, sex workers use fruit during the act. What? Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus masks the taste of a dirty penis. In fact, 95% of fruit has usually been in someone's orifice before it even reaches the market.

at night, a ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time. When I'm on my way home, I'll pass a bum. I take a balloon with some champagne in it, lob it out and bean him. He only gets a little bit in his mouth. Not even a full sip of it. And you say, 'Hey, how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit?'

if you were to do that-- and I don't want to be crass or, you know-- but how would that affect, uh, the... Oh, we still get the money. Yeah? I bought the most expensive policy I could. Great. Let's go confess, baby!

Frank stealing an ashtray despite not smoking and them having ashtrays at the bar

Frank wanting to lay out his political agenda on national TV

Frank's inappropriate 'Sha-booyah roll call' comment to Janet

Frank wanting to change his answer because he's seen pigs eat men in a bloodbath

Everyone imitating the buzzer sound to annoy Dennis

Frank suggesting 'Liberal yahoos taking my guns' for things people fear

The, uh... thing. / Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

No. I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me. I need to quit. / I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

I don't want that, Charlie. I'm trying to get in shape. I read all about this phenomenon that guys' bodies immediately turn to shit the second they retire.

Are you, like, um... my dad? / What? / Are, like... are you the-the father of me and shit?

We've-we've been over this. / Yeah. / Your mother's a giant whore.

I forgot to dye my hair this morning. / What's up with your teeth? / I was eating some of Deandra's pyramid scheme berries. I was trying to get healthy.

My one true child. Come closer. / Oh! / You give me so much joy right now.

When a man is no longer needed in the tribe, his body betrays him. / When he has no purpose, the blood seems to drain from his body, leaving him a shell of the man he once was.

Speaking of number two... / Oh! / Dude. / Oh! / Damn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.

Because Franquito's not your son. I made it all up. / What?! How?!

What kind of cult shit is that?

It burned a hole in the cushion! That's probably the crotein.

Mac, Charlie and a bunch of goons started a queer club.

Cults are great for attracting new-age tail.

I can't believe they went for the sticker thing.

And pussy. Put 'pussy'.

Make 'em eat a shit sandwich.

The one eating paint chips off the wall. - It tastes like paint. - Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal.

Frank, I'm in tremendous pain. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to her. I can't breathe.

I'm trying to hurt her. What? Uh, well, it's... it... you have to tear the fascial tissues in order to tone the muscles properly.

You basically just get a bunch of dirt on people and you hold it over their heads. So, blackmail.

Well... she thinks she has a tear in her uterine wall, so it might be a while.

It is I... the Master! - Am I dreaming? - You're having a vision. - Am I peeing? - Uh... - Is he peeing?

I got Tiny to eat a shit sandwich. Ugh! Oh! I got him to eat a poopy.

They were gonna light themselves on fire for me. I'm the winner. - Are you kidding me? They were gonna light themselves on fire for me. I'm the winner.

FRANK: I mean, we used to play 'Purple Nurple,' 'Sock Full of Quarters,' 'Kick the Jew'...

FRANK: 'Franken MacChardeeden.'

FRANK: Then let's call it 'Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo.'

Everyone trying to convince themselves they can play without caring about winning, followed by synchronized exhaling

FRANK: It's four Fs. I didn't know it was gonna come off like that. DEE: Pretty sure you did.

FRANK: Uh, penis. What? Uh, lip-penis. What? No, look, look. Oh, hard penis. A hard clay penis.

FRANK: I can't do it, 'mang.' I can't do it. DENNIS: You barely even put your hand on there already. MAC: Hang in there, man. FRANK: I know, but... Ah! I can't do it, I can't do it! Oh! Ha! I can't even do it. Ay, ay, ay!

Each member must take a laxative and get on a ladder. The one who can hold it in the longest wins. Also known as Shoots and Splatters. Poops and Bladders!

That isn't a laxative, is it, Frank? Nope. Welcome to Level 4, (echoing): Horror.

Everything has to be based on an existing board game! That's the whole thing! Oh, but it is, Dennis. Ever hear of a game called... Operation?

FRANK (recorded): Welcome to the home of Wolf Cola...

DENNIS: Oh, okay, Frank, so you clearly just hired this guy so that you could win and put your stamp on the game! FRANK: No, there's no truth in that at all. No. Tell 'em, Andy. (door slams)

Charlie makes Frank hang his ass out the window for farting from eating rum ham on a Grilled Charlie

Frank: 'If I'm gonna stick my ass out the window, I'm gonna eat.'

Frank falls out the window with crashing and shattering sounds

Frank casually drops 'Your mother's dead' in the middle of an argument about chickens

'I was just kidding. Your mother's not really dead. I dropped that bomb to soften the blow. We're getting divorced.'

Concussion test where they get the day wrong, then correct themselves, then Frank questions if he lost a day

'What is the capital of Pennsylvania?' 'Philadelphia.' 'No.' 'Is it Pittsburgh?' 'At one point, it was Philly.' 'I don't think they change it, Charlie.'

'Who's the President?' 'George Bush.' 'Nah, I was just kidding. The real president is Dick Cheney. He's pulling all the strings.'

'How do you not have fish?' 'Two can play at that game. Banging your sister is perverted.'

'You're what, 25, 26?' 'Yeah.' They're actually almost 40 and working at a bar

'There was a disaster in Haiti?' followed by Dee stammering and claiming she invented the phone

Charlie shows Frank his toe knife and explains using it to dig scum out of his toes

'Botched toe! Frank, that is disgusting!' 'Toe knife. Maybe I ought to try that.'

All the gang ending up at the welfare store, Charlie still insisting it's 2006

Frank's lawyer introducing herself and Frank calling her 'toots' then cackling

'Mr. Doran? He passed away.' Frank laughing and calling for Jerry to stop the bit

'You goddamn bitch! You wouldn't know a good idea if it smacked you in a tit!'

Frank writes them a check but it's dated 2006, making it invalid

Charlie's roommate interviews including cat food questions and Frank saying he'd always eat it

Frank asking 'We having a gang bang?' when he sees everyone in Charlie's apartment

Eat this, bitch! (laughing) Oh, shit. What'd you do that for? Oh, sorry, Frank. We thought you were some jerk-off who bought the mountain. I am the jerk-off who bought the mountain.

I'm turning it into a members-only resort for millionaires to plow their trophy whores in private.

Uh, I lost one of 'em. Prostate thing. You know. Yeah, yeah, me, too. It's still bouncing around in there, but it don't do nothing.

Uh... actually, uh... the whole Snow Palace thing was, uh, all for show. I needed to distract the local environmentalist groups while I fracked the mountain.

I hired the hookers, so you could rip their tops off. That makes sense. Oh... That makes a lot of sense.

I hired the hookers, so you could rip their tops off

So, did you even hire that guy? You know, Charlie, I have no idea who that guy is.

I guess some things really are different on the mountain. Yeah.

I found him turning tricks in the scrap metal yard.

Hello! Hello? Ango Gablogian, the art collector. Charmed, I'm sure.

I mean, look at us. We're just air conditioners. I mean, after all, we're just walking around on the planet, breathing, conditioning the air.

Frank, did you buy an air conditioner? Yes, and I bought a painting for 35 K. Why? Because I liked it, and that's what it cost.

Oh, no. Oh. I rent an art gallery, or more accurately, my parents rent one for me. What?! So that painting I bought from you was worthless? Of course not. It meant something to you. It's worth exactly what you paid.

The one where the family was murdered? Brutally murdered. Pass.

These are city scum. They can't hack it out here.

And if you don't, you have to sleep in bed with an old man for a year. (laughing): Gross! What?

Mac and Dennis, old man. Old man, Mac and Dennis.

Fine, and if they lose, the three of you got to sleep with the old man.

Frank waking up confused and disoriented, clearly hungover and not remembering where he is

Frank desperately searching for toilet while drunk/hungover

Frank looking in mirror and saying 'Still got it' while clearly disheveled

Frank pretending he knows what's happening when he clearly doesn't

Frank trying to remember Dennis's name: 'Is it Damon? No. Delroy. No. DeMarcus.'

Frank deflecting with 'Shut up, bird!' when pressured

Frank misreading 'LOL' as 'LOM' and getting confused by texting

Frank assuming break-in is 'Probably Asians' with no context

Landlord eating snake meat sandwich as intimidation

'Is that what you people eat?' - Frank's racist response to snake meat

Frank wishing death on landlord, then landlord actually starts choking

Frank eating the snake meat while landlord is dying and also starting to choke

'Somebody throw me in the trash.'

Frank waking up in hospital thinking he died and went to heaven because of nurse's breasts

Frank completely ignoring doctor's cancer diagnosis to stare at nurse's 'Winnebagos'

'Dumb bird got a boot on her car'

Mac asking Frank if Dennis hates him and wanting Dennis to think he's cool

Mac asking Frank to mention his bench press stats to Dennis while Frank eats dog treats

'Whoa, Jews! What is this?'

'Uh, uh, excuse me, I'm full of dog poison.'

Frank finding and crushing pills in medicine cabinet while high

'It's Frankenstein!' as Frank bursts in hyped up on stimulants

'Get out of the way, Jew' as Frank grabs the rug

Pondy pulling out gun saying 'Someone's dying today, baby' then Frank talking him down

'Nice nips, cupcake' - Frank's attempt at tough talk

'Eat glass, you mangy mutt' to the guard dog

'Anybody need a ride?' as Frank's attempted cool line

'Dee's a bird! She is a bird!' as Frank's deflection

Sexual innuendo about Frank 'getting in there deep'

Frank pretending to know about tomorrow's plans: 'We got the thing with the thing.'

He's the best lawyer you can afford.

I got to have the drugs here to keep him clean.

I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car. He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.

I had him in the trunk of the car, on account of I didn't want to sit with him 'cause he's gross.

FRANK: I slept 26 hours last night.

Frank interrupting Dennis repeatedly about easels and projectors

FRANK: He drove the kids out of Ireland. And then he molested 'em.

FRANK: I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

Frank snoring during Dennis's presentation

FRANK (Irish accent): Top o' the morning, you filthy lads. I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.

Frank's 'Crazy Paddy' Irish stereotype character

FRANK: I brought my piece in case anybody gets out of line.

DEE: This is like all foam. FRANK: Dee, you goddamn bitch!

Customers trying to call cops, gang confiscating phones

FRANK: We just drove the snakes out of Philly, the way St. Patrick did.

Frank abandoning Dee by driving away

FRANK: That bitch was dragging us down. DENNIS: Yeah. She was driving me crazy, man.

DENNIS: Oh, shit. She didn't put the gas cap on. FRANK: Oh, is it open for real?

FRANK: It ain't a metaphor. I fell asleep, crashed into a wall, the engine burst into flames, and I had to drive it into a river.

Goddamn, this ship is the tits! Frank, Frank, watch your language. You know? This is a Christian cruise.

I'm gonna be the captain. Charlie's gonna be the first mate. No, no, no, I-I'm putting a stop to this right now. No costumes, no high jinks.

I got to take the cross off that Mac gave us. This thing is burning me to shit.

I could be Satan. Screw God! (thunderous horn blows)

These winter coats were a good idea-- it is chilly. They're cranking the air conditioning. You don't want to be sick on a boat.

Oh, no, Charlie. That's just orange juice. There's no alcohol. Just orange juice, like the mixer? Yeah. People drink it. That's crazy to me.

Oh, I had a diet cola mixer a while ago. Was it any good? Yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, this, uh, this is an empty. A pelican dropped it and we... Yeah, we picked it up.

Well, I don't want to run back and forth to the cabin all the time, it's so far away. Son of a bitch!

So we can go anywhere we want on the ship now. That's not exactly the first mate's costume I had in mind. Hey, man, you said 'first mate.' That's the only guy I know.

So, what? We're just gonna drink straight boat fuel? No. We're gonna cut it. With what? Mixers.

Fire the torpedoes! Full steam ahead!

Extended argument about what sound boat engines make with increasingly elaborate sound effects

Four hours, six minutes.

Remind me who you are again?

I just assumed she's a no-nonsense black broad from the precinct. That's exactly who she is.

Can I have a broad with me with big tits? / No, because that's gonna force us to imagine things that we don't want to imagine.

Mine's kind of tough. D-Did you overcook this? / No, I didn't cook it at all. / Spit it out! It's raw! You're gonna get sick!

I hated that show, Stomp. / Ugh, I hate rhythm.

I was at Chappaquiddick. The girl, Teddy Kennedy, the bridge, the car... I played a major role.

When we turn white again, I'll stop paying the checks.

I'm gonna say the 'N' word.

What's up, my niggas?

Hot food, cold beer, bikini'd women seeking relief from the insufferable prison of motherhood

Let a little sunshine back into her life ever since her mom... / Oh, my God. Did she... / Die horrifically? / Yeah. Drowning. Kind of ironic, us being at a water park

Can I please have $20? / Well, I think you can get something to eat for a lot less than that, hon. / Dad! I'm hungry, I'm starving, and you haven't given me any money.

Interesting. / What's interesting? / Nothing. I'm done with you.

What are you guys doing? You guys doing a AIDS thing? / Oh, yeah! / I gave Frank a couple hickeys to sell the lesions. / Sucked on 'em.

Oh, that's our new slide. It's, uh, Thunder Gun Express. / Like the movie? / Yeah, but there's no water or anything yet, so we still have to test it. / It's totally dry.

It's Thunder Gun, man. No hesitation. No surrender. No man left behind. We got to get to the top of that slide. And raw-dog the shit out of it!

Oh, it burns! It burns! It burns! It burns! Aah! / My back! / That guy has AIDS!

They should've sent a poet. / All right, let's go, let's go.

'Cause I'm so much funnier than these two. Look at them, they're just smashing each other with stuff.

Mrs. Kelly looks hot on screen. / There's something about people on TV.

Get lost. I'm gonna bang your sister.

Come on, Bonnie. This boner ain't gonna last forever.

Charlie! I only got to third!

I was sliding into home, Charlie.

Show's been canceled, guys. / What?! / I got a four-episode sex arc.

Is doing cocaine every morning your routine, Frank? - Yeah.

Well, somebody's chipper this morning. Oh... you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.

I'm selling it to the Jews in Boca Raton. They're slurping it up like candy. They're... I'm telling you, they're addicted.

Whoops.

How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa? It's an easy misunderstanding.

Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond. Go bag? You're gonna go blond?

Remember when you wanted all the power so you could get the puss? I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution. Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I mean, dude, I only wanted the illusion of power. The-the illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.

You're executive vice president of operations. Oh. What? Yes. Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this? It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

You want to change... the perception of a global terrorist organization? Yeah, and I've got many facts to do it.

You know what, Chet, can I say something? I think we've said enough. I think... you got to understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11. Yeah. That was... al-Qaeda. Paris, that was done by ISIS. Boko Haram is just concentrating, they're doing Africa. I mean... I mean, there's mosquitos down there that are bigger terrorists than Boko Haram.

Boko Haram did not do 9/11. That was... al-Qaeda. Paris, that was done by ISIS. Boko Haram is just concentrating, they're doing Africa.

Goddamn it!

Start the clock. Yeah.

He broke the thing's head clean off. It was gruesome. I still have nightmares about it. And I'm old.

Back in the sweatshop in 'Nam, we found a cat, we tossed it right in the soup. Those hungry bastards ate cat soup every day.

Some little kid choke on a hairball and die. So then you toss him in the soup. I was making money hand over foot, literally. Somebody lost a hand or a foot, I'd toss it in the soup.

Well, that's all a lie. Uh, there was no soup.

Nope. There's no sweatshop.

Frank caught with mirrors, clearly using them to look up women's skirts, weakly claiming he's 'bird watching'

Look out, faggot!

Frank claiming he's a hero while everyone else calls it a hate crime

Frank repeating the slur as part of his legal defense

Eh.

Now, is he blowing someone? What is happening?

A what... a charming taint man? What words is she trying to say?

Well, then say G.I. Joe, don't make up a name.

I did shoot a couple of dinks who tried to jack some sneakers off the factory floor. No big deal. I don't feel nothing about it.

Mac's being a pussy! He doesn't want to fight anymore! How do I get him to stop thinking of them as real people?

Like, if Jerry jumped off a bridge would you jump off it, too? - Which bridge?

My tapeworm. - You have a tapeworm? - Yeah, he got a worm. - Yeah. Got a tapeworm. And you named it? - Jerry. - Jerry.

Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house. - Oh... - Oh... - Thanks for the chant, guys. What's up? - Yeah, no, we were talking about the new Dee, the funny one. - Her?

I already cooked the books. How about you don't cook the books so we can actually tell how the business is doing?

Charlie's pretending to ignore me because he's jealous of Jerry.

I'm craving salty, but Jerry likes sweet.

Hey, you guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP? - No, dude, you do you! - Go for it. You do you! - You do you! - You do you! We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.

Yeah. Well, it took about four ounces of it. With the tip of a teaspoon. I had to hold my knees above my head for a half hour and clench my sphincter.

I gave myself Jerry on purpose. - Well, I was right in the middle of a sentence, but... what? I gave myself the tapeworm. - Well, that is the most disgusting thing I've... - How, you're wondering. No, I don't. No, thanks. I bought poop on the dark Web and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight.

You fool! - It's so good, Charlie. - Those chocolates that you're so gleefully devouring are chock-full of Bye-Bye Jerry pills.

I gave myself Jerry on purpose. Why would you do that? To slim down for you.

I gave myself Jerry on purpose. Why would you do that? To slim down for you. Why would you... why would you slim down for me? What? Because I overheard you on the phone saying, 'He got flabby.'

And it's powdered sugar, by the way. - Oh, he's already eating it. - I knew that.

Also, you casually mention RPGs, like, a weird amount. - Is this true? - Yeah. - You were talking about rocket launchers today, I think, yeah. - That was today.

Charlie, let's go get this worm out of my ass. - Let's do it, man. All right.

No, you're not paying me in lemons again. / You want to get paid in PCP, Cricket?

Lemons.

That plan stinks, because it's always about money with women. That's all there is to it. So I think the best thing to do is to find a guy who's got more money than you, like in that movie, uh, Indecent Proposal.

Would you sleep with her for a million dollars? No way. It's too much money.

What are you doing, Frank? Oh, Charlie's doing a thing at the apartment tonight, so I'm gonna crash here. Okay? No, get a hotel.

You know what, do you mind if I take the bed? Because I got a little pinched nerve in my neck. It's driving me crazy. Wh... yeah, I mind.

Don't get all emotional, just do it. I don't want this.

Dee! Egg! Where is it? Where is it? There's no eggs here. Where are your eggs? Dee, where are your eggs? Dee, eggs! We're looking for your eggs. Where are your eggs? We can't find them!

I'm gonna offer you $5,000. What are you doing, Frank? Look, I'm gonna give you $5,000, we bang, you take the money, you go up, you get on a plane, you fly to wherever the hell it is in the sticks, and, uh, you know, $5,000 goes a long way up there.

If you need more money, call me up, come back, we bang again. Price goes down 'cause I already had you. But if you want to bring a girlfriend... price goes back up.

Five grand is a lot of money... is that offer just out on the table? I'm not gonna bang you. I don't want to bang you, either, Frank, but I'll power through for five grand.

Dennis is his sex slave name. He's my gimp. What? No. I... I don't have a sex slave name. I'm not...

Not a regular hospital, though, 'cause technically, he's not supposed to exist. A bad guy one. Oh, no, I've lost my lover. I'll need a new gimp!

Because I don't want my kid to grow up like I did. With some asshole dad who was never even around. You talking about me or Bruce? You!

the first time I met Frank, he pulled a gun on me. Misunderstanding. Not racial.

It called me a bird. Yes! It did. Exactly. We all heard it.

Dennis, does Mac look fat? Oh, yeah.

You see, I get out of the room. That means I win the game, the lady here, she takes me out for a steak, and then it becomes sexual.

Who's that broad? It's Amanda from before. She's just doing a bad British accent.

His neck is high. Makes me trust him. Good posture, bro.

He will scratch you silly, Mac.

Dee gets to bite first. Oh, wow. Thanks, guys.

I'm posting up. I figure a plane full of broads, there's gonna be a lot of horny women, so I'm like a spider waiting back here to catch some flies.

In every reboot you gotta have somebody from the original to make a cameo.

Want to rumble? No, I don't, but I do want to beat Dennis, so just pop it in.

Frank: 'Back in the day, I banged all my secretaries. That's the way you did it. You hire some girl with no experience, you bang her, you promote her. It's a win-win situation for everybody, except for the wives.'