Dee Reynolds

So could you guys try to not be weird?

Thanks, guys.

We gotta start with Dennis. Can you get him so drunk tonight? On tequila. But a lot of it. Enough that maybe he might hurt himself.

I mean, I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know? - Like be there for him? - No. Get her an abortion.

So you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem?

Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours? Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

That is such a coincidence. That's exactly what we're here doing.

He loves Mexicans.

Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous you drink yourself into oblivion. I had bad potato salad.

I don't know how you guys live with yourselves. One day at a time. One day at a time.

As a matter of fact, I have a date this afternoon with my friend Steven.

I've been there, like, 200 times.

The trick is to just kind of open your throat.

I never statutory raped anyone before.

Let's, uh, just take it slow. Where were you when I was in high school? I was eight.

You wore that scoliosis back brace until you were 20 years old. Everyone was afraid of you. You looked like a monster!

Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird. That girl Sara asked me too.

My back brace was under the dress, and Mom called me fat. So I stayed home and cried instead.

Yes, and your eyebrows are drawn on, so... Say it, don't spray it.

That is so sad. He is gonna look so bad without that hair.

Dennis, our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley. Might as well call it Rape Bar.

That's a dude. - No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans.

You know what that symbolizes? Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends. And you know what the thing that's so rad is? They come in all kinds of colors now, so you can accessorize your compassion with your outfits.

Actually, it really turns me on.

I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid. - Whatever Charlie's doing right now, it's probably pretty stupid.

Oh, my God. He shit his pants, Dee.

Oh, I don't wanna know that.

Pop-Pop is an asshole, Sweet Dee. And I'm placing my bets that that girl's grandfather is an asshole too.

Whoa. Geez, your place is looking... good.

Sounds a little mean, but I find them kind of creepy and scary and gross. I think they're gross. It's their hands mostly. You know, how you can see right through them.

I'll tell you what. I'll go with you... but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want. No. Every now and then. No. One time. All right. And... you have to take me to lunch... twice a week for a year. No, I don't. Once a week. Today. Okay.

Oh, Jesus! He doesn't even look like a real person.

Come here, come here. Come here. A little closer. Come here. Oh, now I remember how beautiful you are. And look at these wrinkled old hands against your young face. Oh, and... and these teeth. Look. Look how straight and white.

Dee and Dennis's horrified reactions: 'You're goin' to hell, dude. Seriously.'

Dee calling Dennis out for using big words: 'Why are you throwing around big words?' / 'You failed all your classes'

Dee's confession about Dr. Gainer: 'I had sex with him 'cause I wanted to... He was a hot older man'

You have no room to talk. All the girls you've molested. Whoa, whoa. Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay? This is serious.

Molester.

You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it. I keep saying it because... it is. I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time. I'm sorry that you're sorry all the time.

The anatomically correct doll reveal and family's reactions

Dee's revelation: 'my sister screamed and told everyone that I touched her vagina'

Go, go, go! Go, horsey!

I have polio. Oh. And I have polio... He has polio too. Mm-hmm.

He was like a companion. / Strip club!

Mr. Tibbs was not just some stupid stuffed element... elephant, okay? He was like a companion.

You're not part of the gang either, Dee, so forget that. / Yes, I am. / You're not. The gang is me, Mac and Charlie. That's the gang.

I assume you did something stupid.

What are you doing with your hands? What does that mean? / Dog. Kitchen. / That's 'kitchen'? Why can't you go get the dog? / Because I got a cast on my foot. / I got a neck brace.

You haven't thought it through? It destroyed my apartment. / Look. We're living in the moment. We're running around stealing things. / We're doing anything we want.

I'm part of the gang... or I send your asses to jail. / I would rather go to jail than work with you. / Yes! / Just for the record, I would rather not spend my life in jail.

Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang. / No! Charlie... / Charlie, shut your mouth! / Why can't you just die and leave your money to your kids like normal parents of America?

My dad's a meth dealer. - Oh, oh, no! - My daddy's in prison! - My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes.

Well, I guess I could use this time to get my acting career off the ground.

400 a week. That's more than we made at the bar.

I'm gonna be a veterinarian. And I am gonna move to New York, and I'm gonna be on Broadway.

Oh, they want to play rough? We can play rough. Let's go buy some crack.

One crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? / How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

It's 4:00. I'm freezing and I'm sweating all at once. I think I may have peed in my pants.

It was yesterday. We missed our appointment by an hour and a day.

Dennis, when you become a veterinarian, will you buy me some new head shots? Hey! Hey, get out of here, you piece of shit! Yeah, I'll buy you stuff.

Because you are crackheads, children. Yeah. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack.

Why? Why would a person wipe their own shit onto a wall?

I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

Charlie is forcing me to have sex with him. Mac's getting laid. You're getting laid. Now even Charlie's getting laid? This makes me look terrible.

Rocky IV is the greatest movie of all time vs Million Dollar Baby won an Oscar

Girls can't pull trucks through snow. Can you pull trucks through snow? I absolutely could.

Just got back from a 'Boxercise' class at the gym. 'Boxercise'? What kind of queer shit is that?

Will you stop talking about the streets you three jackasses, like you've been there?

That's the smell of big dreams. The smell of glory. It smells like feet. And feet. Does smell like feet.

Oh, my God, that's an annoying sound he makes. Ass... hole. Yeah, asshole.

Not one of those things sounds right to me at all.

You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man. Daddy, I can't. It's... I can't.

If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men. Let's just say I provide a much-needed service around this place. Step into the shadows and, uh, we'll talk.

Just 10 more minutes. / No, no. That's it. Dee, that's... / I love it. I need more of it.

You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup. I will eat your babies, bitch.

Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag?

This one might as well be goddamn camouflaged! Oh, good. Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

I might have had some. What did you just say, you little bitch? I might have had some of your pills or whatever.

I might have had some of your pills or whatever. / Oh, yeah? / I am gonna punch a hole through your face.

I am gonna punch a hole through your face. I'd like to see you try that. I am gonna rip your face off... Make a shirt out of it, and I'm gonna wear it.

Dad, will you look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me it's not blotchy?

I kind of led you on a little bit back then, didn't I?

And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really, really have me

And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really, really have me.

because you're a bad person

I felt safe saying those things in the first place

Are those those stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things? Uh, no. They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. - Awful. - How is she awful? - Hates freedom.

Full of hoboes, Dennis. A lot of hoboes.

Let me get this straight. You want to try and solicit a bribe? - The bangs, they... The five head.

I think I look like a whore. - I'm trying to make you sexy. - This is not sexy. - What is this? What's this? - It's the bed look. The tossled look. The ruffled look. You look like you just got...

my little girl don't go nowhere without her old man. - You're fired.

Bit of an overreaction, don't you think? - You look like a whore.

Failure implies that she actually tried to be an actor.

It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.

Oh, thank you! That's my dad, everybody!

Oh, right. Like you know what you're talking about. How old are you? Like, 40?

Well, maybe for a small, fat person. Not for an actor.

Locking up and maybe throwing up and stuff.

Goddamn it, Charlie!

I am gonna act the shit out of somebody's ass.

Hey-o! What is up, bitches?

You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning.

Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes, black hair and being 4'10"?

No, no. I was kidding. / It was just a joke, I think.

What about you? What are your passions? / There's been a lot of... / Oh, so many things we do. / Phases.

A lot of... These guys. / These guys are important to us.

We went to this lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome! / Amazing.

It hurts everywhere. / Well... Everything's gonna be okay. / You don't know that, Deandra.

You can't steal the children's medication. / I'm not. / Let me see in your purse!

Who are we really helping? / Well, listen, it's one thing to rock out, raise some cash. But it's a totally different thing to put our lives at risk.

Brucie, do you know a nice restaurant in the area?

Who is he? Patch Adams?

Dee's simple math: 'Charlie, the incident with Frank happened three months ago. It takes nine months to make a baby.'

What the hell is this? How's it hangin'? This is a joke, right? You think anyone's gonna buy that?

All right, Dee. You can do this. You can kick a football. You're better at sports than Mac and Dennis.

Lizard, am I standing in poop? I'm about to demonstrate to all of you my natural abilities as a punter.

Oh! Oh, I broke it. Oh, it may be broken. Oh, sweet Jesus, I think I broke it.

So your bones are made out of glass. Yes! Nice. No, my bones aren't... Know what? It doesn't matter, because I made the furthest, so I win.

Hey, Dee. Can you get up against the wall? I'm just gonna... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You're not throwing knives at me.

A mistake? We're twins. Yeah. We were born at the same time. What are you talking about?

Goddamn it! She's taking it into the grave!

Yeah! Tell her she's a bitch! You know, I didn't give you the house. That's not how this whole situation works. Yeah, you did!

I'm gonna dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry. That's insane! Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T.

You call Brucie on the phone and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé. Who's that? Me.

How's the ponytail look? It's ridiculous. / I gotta turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce.

You've gotta stop thinking of me as your dad and start thinking of me as your fiancé, Seamus. Gross.

All of our fortune. She gave it to you. Weird, right? / Yeah. Good news is it's all gonna go to help the less fortunate. Every penny.

If we need to adopt a couple of orphans, fine. We'll get the money, and we'll take them back. Can you do that? Is that possible? I don't know. I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.

We'll get the money, and we'll take them back. / Can you do that? Is that possible? / I don't know. I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.

We're saving ourselves! It's all sexual. You know, I'm also a licensed minister. So why don't we just do a wedding? Like do it tomorrow?

But they're not trying to take me anywhere! Don't try to be a hero. Do what they say! They're not saying anything.

Oh, my God. What is that? Does that start with a sore throat? Because I think I might be getting it.

He had a great life. Yeah. Sure. He had a full, full, good ride. Oh, a fantastic ride. I had a terrible ride. Charlie, you had the worst ride. You deserve another shot at the ride. I want a better ride. Oh, you oughta ride and ride.

Get inside their head. And have sex with them. Mm-hmm. Have sex with them? No. I was gonna say, pit them against each other.

No, I don't. No! I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first. I'm tryin' to put myself in their position, you know? It's called compassion, dickheads.

Get on your knees, bitches! What are you doing? Now you're on their side? You wanna be a McPoyle, trash bag?

I like men in tight, white underpants.

I love inbreeding! I like men in tight, white underpants.

This gun is rubber. Rubber gun! It's rubber? She's right. It's rubber. There's no police! There's no police down there, dude!

You look so different. What happened to all of the fat parts?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Not-Not-Not... Yeah. Not right now... because I'm shopping.

I got a fatty to take down.

Why does she have light bulbs growing out of her neck? Light bulbs? What? Those are shoulder pads.

I walked in and saw you enjoying them very much this morning in the bar.

Your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.

Oh, man! You were all jacked up, huh? I don't remember.

No, Mookie. I don't wanna do it. It's too hot outside. Right? What was that? What the hell is that? Rosie Perez!

You're like a big, round wizard.

R Rita F-Fire... s.

Well, I feel better about myself. Why? Uh, all I did was sleep with... a toothless, oily busboy for a recipe. Charlie banged a 12 year old. No, I didn't.

Right across the street? Well, that is good to know. I love Starbucks.

I don't mind. I'm gonna grab a beer while you're doing that. Come get me and give me all my stuff, and I'll start.

if they start to get empty, I'll just grab some from other tables... Yeah, which makes my job easier... You actually have to follow the rules.

You're pretty weird, you make me feel uncomfortable, and you smell really bad... You say that, but I don't... I don't see it.

I use the same bill for two tables, and I pocket the cash for the other one. That's stealing. I know.

I will have you know I am taking this place up the butt with a little scheme I like to call Dee's Double Drop.

While you've been picking up bar whores... I have been doubledropping like a bastard out there.

Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore. / You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore. You're a dirty, drunk whore already.

You were supposed to wait and get drunk inside the club, not outside the club. Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club. / That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line. They shove their way to the front and they take a shit all over the bouncer. / Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you. I clean you off of my shoes at night. I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe. That shoe that I just threw away, that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.

That shoe that I just threw away, that's worth more than your worthless life, mister. And I am pissed because I loved that shoe.

I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole. Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

Dennis Reynolds? Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list. / No, no... Oh, wow. That's awesome. / What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right? / Uh...

I'm on fire! I'm on fire! / Well, I do look really heroic. / No, you do not look heroic! You threw the box of kittens.

Who gets stuck in a well anymore? / Kittens do. / Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

I can't believe how famous I'm about to be! / Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat. Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

I can't believe how famous I'm about to be!

What's up, hos? I'd like you to meet somebody.

Holy shit. No, that guy's retarded. Well, you're retarded.

There is no way I am dating a retarded person.

Yeah, but he might not be. Plus, he gives me things. Did you guys see this necklace? It's got diamonds in it.

Why am I not in it? I have a great voice. You do have a great voice. You have an excellent voice. But the problem is you're into all that early '80s glam rock fem shit...

Well, so what? He's, like, seven in this yearbook.

Man, that's retard strength if I've ever seen it. You know what I mean? Shut your mouth.

Your shirt's on backwards. What? Oh, snap! It is.

Don't be afraid of a little sex appeal, Mac. You look like a drag queen. I look like a rock god.

I was gonna ride this guy to the top. You know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos.

I was gonna ride this guy to the top. You know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos.

Look, the guy's not retarded, okay? What? Yeah. I was just saying that to mess with you. Why? Why would you do something like that? I thought it'd be funny.

Day Man. Fighter of the Night Man. Champion of the Sun. You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone

You're a master of karate / And friendship for everyone

You're not retarded, are you?

I don't think he's retarded. Mmmmm.

Why? What are you worried about? You don't fit the description.

You're like a female Larry Bird. There's too much of you.

That's okay, 'cause Larry Bird's an excellent player. He's an awesome player.

You do not fit the profile. I fit the profile, Dennis!

But that stuff, you gotta be careful because it'll mess you. Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

No. Well, technically, we drove here together. But I'm not with anybody.

We need to find somebody who we would want to kill. Here you go, Dee.

My neighbor Gary works here. He is desperately in love with me.

Who's your guy? Psycho clown.

These shears, they do cut through bone, yes? Uh, yeah. I guess.

Oh, man. That guy's a pussy. Yeah, spineless.

John Wayne Gacy? He was a psycho clown. He was an excellent one. Did good work.

I know who the killer is. You do? Yes. Oh, my God. Dee, the real serial killer is Mac. That's what I just said.

Are you shitting me? Now, Dee, can you do a girl's voice?

Oh. Why hello, Mac. Not so young and attractive, is she?

No. There's a bunch of severed heads in there. What? There's about 15 severed heads in there, I'd say.

Dee positioning herself to parents as working 'with a program that assimilates convicted child molesters right back into your neighborhood'

Dee threatening to tell Mac's dad that Dennis is available and 'asking about him'

The elaborate disposal debate - kids with shovels, fume situations, solving society's drug problem

That's asinine... Your way's terrible.

You guys, those drugs were worth 25 grand!

You guys, those drugs were worth 25 grand!... Oh, dude... a one, a two... a $300!

I was using 'Dead Presidents' as a cover... He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people... From history times.

Now, there's only one thing that these rich old men understand. And that is money... And you are going to be my secretary, Linda.

Who wants to buy some drugs?

Rub it all over your gums, Dee. All over your gums. It's like my mouth is no longer a part of my head.

Rickety Cricket! That's Rickety Cricket! Rickety! Rickety Cricket! Rickety!

Ever since you convinced me to abandon the church... my life has been in a bit of a tailspin. That doesn't ring a bell.

We would do it, but we're not street urchins. Yeah, man. Yeah. Know what I mean? But you. They would buy drugs from a street urchin like yourself.

I guess Charlie and I didn't see you sitting atop your homeless ivory tower.

This is more money than we make at the bar. I have never seen this much money in one spot.

We say things all day. We say words all the time. We said so many things.

You 'sold' our drug money on two garbage cans? These are trash cans, Cricket! These are trash cans? Then why do they sound like this?

Who's Peter Nincompoop? I rode it here. What do you think?

We look so stupid.

The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit... when they cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1970s. We look like Rerun.

You know what, asshole? You like that, bitch? Huh? I am not your little pinup girl... for you to tug your rotten pecker at! Go on, get out of here.

You're one crazy bitch. I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

Too much lip and very sassy. Sassy? That doesn't make sense. Like right now. You just don't know when to shut up.

Does this make Charlie number five and I'm number four? Because in light of this new information...

I'm glad you're over it, because he's definitely gonna bang her.

The only way you're gonna be able to land Dennis is by making him feel he's lower on your list than a disgusting, filthy homeless guy.

Looks like a shit ball. No! That's an energy bar!

You are in cahoots with those guys? I'm not in cahoots with anybody! You've been cahooting with them! I have not been cahooting!

I have a shattered kneecap! Dee, we can start again. Right? Never talk to me again, you goddamn street rat!

At least you're not ranked last anymore. Who's last now? Charlie. That kid really needs to learn how to read.

Bite my bird.

I can't believe that dick horrible put the lock on the refrigerator.

Yeah, ok... You're so stupid!... Well, thank you for the human meat, Frank. Thank you for our human meat... It was delicious.

That wasn't human meat though, right? No~~~!

I couldn't sleep last night, could you?... And I'll tell you why... Yesterday.

The taste! The taste, Charlie, I tried everything... I can't get the taste out of my mouth!

Hey. We got monkey. Oh. Well, we'll look at that. Great! Uh, one monkey also then, please.

I think we need to try a piece of human flesh... The morgue? Hear me out... I got a hot plate.

The hot plate is.. because.. our friend was a.. a chef... of small.. many small items on hot plate... Right, right, right. Look, I respect the act. I'll give you guys the same deal like I gave every else. 15 bucks get you 10 minutes alone with the bodies.

It's not because he's black, though, right?... No! What, no! I still think so, no!... It's because he's dead, right?... Good, good, good. Now, I got a question for you. We're racist if we don't eat this guy?

I generally, I don't eat dark meat. No, I've preferred the white meat. I always have... The problem is I'm gonna have a really hard time for both cannibals and racist.

If we don't eat this kid, we're gonna die. You know it... but it's wrong to do it... Damn it! Damn it! So, you're gonna eat that kid.

I was going to eliminate everybody else and be the only surviving heir, so... help. / So when you say 'eliminate,' you mean you were going to kill me? / I don't know. No, yes, maybe I was going to; maybe I wasn't.

Oh, my God, I feel like you're really focused on one tiny part of what I'm trying to talk about here. / It's a very big part of your... / It's just a couple of words.

I water boarded some guy. Told me everything. / You tortured somebody? / Oh, yeah. Big time.

I don't want anybody to see in. / We can't see out, Frank! / I might've overdone it a little bit.

the gas pedal's stuck or something. / Well, wobble it. / 'Wobble it'? / Yeah, wobble it back and forth. / Wiggle it. Wiggle it.

Take this fertilizer, toss it in the closet. / What the hell are we doing that for? / 'Cause when I call the cops on him, they'll come and find all this bomb-making shit and they'll arrest his money-stealing ass.

That's a baby monitor, Frank. / You're planting a baby monitor? / Yeah? / A lot of people are bugging their babies these days. / I guess babies can't be trusted.

Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes. / Why would that be shady? / Maybe the dudes are babies.

Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes. Why would that be shady? Maybe the dudes are babies.

I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer. / My sock drawer. / Yeah. / Come on. That would be stupid. / Yeah, you do.

I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer. My sock drawer. Yeah. Come on. That would be stupid. Yeah, you do.

You're setting me up, and I'm getting the hell out. Frank, get back here. You're not gonna do this to me, girl.

Okay, okay, I admit it! / What do you admit?! / I admit anything you want to hear! / Now, you admit that Bruce Mathis is a terrorist... / He's a terrorist! / and that you are working for him! / Yes, I work for him. We get our information from the top, the top cave.

I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard, and then you guys would talk about how ugly you think I am, and compare me to some sort of giant bird. You look so much like a bird. Dennis, I was thinking fish recently.

Good morning, Philadelphia! I'm Crazy Paddy, and I'm coming to you from Paddy's Pub

Charlie hits Dee in the face with volleyball during her commercial

You ever see those girls mashing the grapes, and then slips and she's, like...? / Why did you do that, Charlie? / That's what YouTube video is. That's funny?

I can't concentrate when I'm about to get blasted in the face with a ball. I'll blast you all over if you flinch again.

Her name's Martina Martinez, and she is a streetwise Puerto Rican girl who's always quick with a sassy comeback.

Youse a bunch of white boys, right? When you be in the clubs and you be dancing, why you look so stupid?

You kept hitting me over and over in the same spot with a volleyball. And I was explicitly clear: no more Green Man.

Hey, diary. It's me. It's Thursday, September 30th about midnight. I'm alone, of course, again. And I just had a little bit too much ice cream.

okay. This is Taiwan Tammy. She on runway and do a drag queen in nails.

Are you kidding me? That is extremely racist. / Isn't it awesome? I'm so excited about this one.

This is Taiwan Tammy. She on runway and do a drag queen in nails.

Goddamn it! I knew it! Charlie, what are you doing? I said no Green Man!

In other news, it seems like I have a rash in a place where a sexually active person should have a rash.

Oh, my God, you put that on YouTube? 80,000 hits. That's huge!

Listen, today was the worst day ever. I had an audition, and I didn't get the part, which is really, really strange for me.

PatheticGirl43 here coming to you live with Philadelphia's next hot model Dennis Reynolds. Dennis, tell us what it's like to be so handsome.

Hey, girlfriend! Oh, my God, you scared me! Did I? My bad.

That's the way girls are. We're catty. We backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk.

Frederick is your cat and he died three weeks ago.

Actually, make mine a water. Water? We're in a bar. Yeah, well, I have a drinking problem.

How much? 700. 700?

Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight.

Do you think it's for watching somebody poop? You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make?

The 'will' being titled 'List of demands'

Charlie's request that his ashes be made into tea and 'dranken by everyone'

Mac wanting to name first-born children Murphy 'because that was Robocop's name'

They're people! They're lying people!

Animals. You're touching me. That doesn't... this isn't weird for you?

Dee demanding a 'new' 1997 Dodge Neon

You're not going to go out with me tonight 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed?

Why did you jump out from behind a car? Were you stalking me?

That's the way girls are. We're catty. We backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk.

I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts.

Frederick is your cat and he died three weeks ago.

And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store.

13. / We don't carry shoes that large. Perhaps you'd like to try the Big and Tall store down the street?

Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today.

"The first thing I noticed about Paddy's Pub is its charm" - "It has none"

In check? There have been many stabbings in here. I feel unsafe here every single day.

Yeah, I absolutely called him a faggot, but he ordered chardonnay. What was I supposed to do?

You're all out of time, bitch. Boom. You just got fazed. This just in, Poo-Poo Pants.

That looks better. We're not dangling anything. That's very white trash.

What? You kidnapped Corman?

This is not a kidnapping. No! But we do need to keep him here for a couple of hours so he doesn't do anything irrational. Just borrowing him.

is he going to Cancun or Canada? You gotta pay attention to the details. This is how people get caught.

Hi, this is Mehar. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message after the beep. Peace.

Well, there was this a slight mix-up with the apartments. This is Corman's neighbor Mehar.

I'm sorry... I didn't know there was a handbook on kidnapping.

which is that I locked the keys in the trunk just now.

There he goes again. I didn't know he was so funny.

Um, also, do you want me to bring you some lipstick with that? Boom! You got fazed again, Corman.

The headline might be: "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy".

You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. You've got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard?

Oh, God! There's evil twins in the hallway, and a twitching junkie in...

It's, like, 'Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm one part robot, three parts asshole'.

Those words don't make any s- sense.

Well, maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch.

Spin class. A bunch of hamsters on a wheel. I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast and oh, yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.

Maybe I put some collagen in your eye. You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?!

I do not give a shit, Deandra. Now, get me a flagon of ale. Get your own ale, dick. You are my slave.

I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch. You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place, Dennis.

You know what, okay, you guys. I tell you what, you win. I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch! And I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns.

Oh! Yep. Yep. There it is.

you got a revolution coming. And pretty soon, all of the slaves are gonna be free, and I will be owned by no man.

We're gonna have to work up to that, though, 'cause you are crazy ugly.

We're gonna have to work up to that, though, 'cause you are crazy ugly.

I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin. I'm about to go live like the goddamn Queen of England and never see you two bitches again.

Shit! Goddamn it, Frank. You just ruined my all life. Wait, wait, wait, check his pulse. He doesn't have a head.

Shit! Bro, we just broke the liberty bell. I'll get you, my pretty!

It's about how you can get whatever you want without having to work for it

See, I envisioned the courts recognizing how ridiculous it was that my son of a bitch, asshole mother didn't leave me anything

I don't think so, Charlie. See, I'm operating at a much higher vibration which I think is gonna counteract his attempts at positive energy

I couldn't find any blindfolds per say, but I did bring some plastic bags

I cannot believe the judge made me give my mansion to the Juarez family.

I'm a princess who lives in a coffee shop?

Well, why am I in love with a little boy?

You keep using that word, but I'm not convinced you know what it means.

Tiny boy, little boy, Baby boy, I need you

Tiny boy, little boy, Want to make love to you, boy

Just to be clear, I did not write that song,

Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of ten. And I am available to any interested men. Who'd like to get my number after the show.

You guys, I'm serious, I have huge news here... News, news, news...

Holy shit, that's amazing. - Oh is it? Is it amazing?

Well, my brother is a dick, if that counts.

What are your thoughts on doubling down, so to speak, and going for twins?

You guys wanna go for an octomom thing? I'm game! You wanna have 10? You wanna out-do that bitch? I'll have that conversation. I'm kidding, I don't want 10 people inside of me.

From the curb, it doesn't really look like much, but once you get inside, it's got a real ass on it.

is for me to stay relaxed if you don't want my tubes to get all tensed up. So, you wanna go grab a swimsuit for me to borrow or should I just jump in my birthday gear?

So suck on that, white stains!

Jack knife!

God damn it. What is that car. What is she doing in here? / Hey, guys!

Hey! Hey you bastards! You jerks! / God damn it! Get out! / It's my car, i'm driving. / You jerks.

Maybe we crack that door a little bit? You're gonna flying out at the first corner? I don't think so, buddy.

Dee picking up hitchhiker: 'Sweet baby, they are gonna eat you alive in Hollywood. You're definitely gonna end up doing gay porn with this tiny little body of yours.'

He didn't take us to the Grand Canyon, he detached the trailer, and stole my car.

His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.

But the mountains, they've turned blue.

I quit.

Honey, I'm home! Feast your eyes on the new headquarters of Reynolds and Reynolds.

Well, what the hell, dude? I don't know if I can live in a trailer, man. You don't have to, Charlie. It's kinda tight in there already.

That's a $200 shoe! Look at that. Feast your eyes on your new business. Knives.

You want me to sell knives door-to-door? No. You're selling vacuums.

[Motor Roaring] Oh! [Shouts] [Motor Continues Roaring]

Oh, shoot! Oh! Oh, I'm missing it! Hey! Oh, no! You're doing that on purpose!

You've tried to off yourself two times in the last 24 hours, Frank!

These are crabs! Fresh, local Delaware runoff crabs... Yeah, well- They look like sea scorpions.

What do you think? It's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs.

Don't get up all over my balls, Lucy, just go get the dresses.

What is your fiance's name? Sam. What is he do? S... Salt. Salt? Sea salt. Sea salt. He's a salt... Seaman. He dives into the ocean for the sea salt, and then he brings it back up and then, we eat it.

Your acne cleared up really well! It was because of the acne. Yes, when i got real bad, you dumped me and you said it was because i was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.

So you're getting married, wow! Yes. No, i'm not. This is because i was. But that didn't work out.

Oh my god!

A) I don't wanna do Charlie's work once he kills himself. B) How could the waitress getting married before me? I'm way hotter than she is. And C) Get this, the guy she's marrying used to be my boyfriend.

Bingo, bitch!

I was thinking since Brad you were saying how your wedding was gonna be poor,boring or dull... Did you say our wedding was gonna be dull? I said it was gonna be small.

I thought there was like cocain and heroin, and remember when you were shooting out with the homeless people and banging for money on the street. No, wow you're making all of that up.

Who broke Brad's heart in high school and feels really bad about it? Me. I broke Brad's heart in high school, and I feel really bad about it.

Yeah, I sat right next to you in Trig. Huh. Wow, you are very forgettable.

How many people in the room have... had sex with the bride to be? Uh, just me i hope. Whoops. Nuh uh. Over here guy.

I still love you.

World Series, bitches! What is up?! Whoomp, there it is!

You are not capable of doing that.

Dear Chase... Oh shit, there are stickers!

The guy is like five years younger than you, you know that, right?

Hey sexy! I can't get you out of my mind.

So that would make you Desert Rose. - Yes it would. - [Snort] Wow! What a couple of losers!

Well, my chat name is Desert Rose, so I dressed like a rose, I'm going to give him a rose, and I'm going to play Kiss From a Rose by Seal.

You bought him a pair of jean shorts?

Great girl. Uh. She just wanted me to come here so that I could tell you. That she wasn't going to be able to show up here. Today.

You thought it because of this and the. It's fine. Don't blame yourself. You're not, you're not dumb. You're just.

I'm your real Desert Rose. That strange woman you been hanging out with. She's an impostor. Baby... Yeah, bitch! She is a slut!

Oh! You son of a bitch! That doesn't nullify it, you know?

I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract! He just did eat it.

You threw tequila in my eye! Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.

This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise. That never happened. It happened!

Multiple characters chanting 'Dee' and 'Sweet Dee' repeatedly before she responds with confusion

I just got a cat... 'cause I wanted something to hang out with. I don't have, you know, a roommate or anything, and I don't really have anyone to talk to

It's funny 'cause I feel like you guys are two codependent losers... who are so wrapped up in each other... that it's hard for you to see how pathetic your lives are. It's like you're an old married couple.

When was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing each other? ... All the time. Every day.

Okay. Without checking in? ... Ch... Checking. That's... Uh... huh. He always checks in with me.

Uh, can't do that. He is... in the wall somewhere. He's in the wall?

Hey, guys! I swallowed apple seeds! ... Are they poisonous? Are you kidding me, dude? They're extremely poisonous! Should I make myself throw up? I would throw up now!

I got two cats stuck inside this wall. Can't get 'em out. You want to bring in a third? I'm thinking maybe four.

I got one. I tied a string around his teeny, tiny little legs. I'm sending it in. ... Well, congratulations, Dee. You have some very satisfied cats in there, okay?

Yeah! Yeah, Deandra! Come on, kitty. Oh. Come on. Okay. I'll get you. I'll get you. ... Wow! There are a lot of cats back here! Yeah. We put a lot of cats in there.

They're watching Predator. You want to join? Absolutely, dude. Great. ... Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall. ... Guys? Guys? Guys, come on!

She hates your guts. / Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.

A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? Yes.

You're forging prescriptions now?

Oh, you're a part of this? / Oh, yeah, Mac has a very special place in my system.

Oh, for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!

She don't have a boyfriend! / Yes, I do. Ben-- you know, the online soldier that I met. We're back together now, so...

He's in the car right now. I told him to wait for me.

So, wait, your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun? / Yeah, I just told him to wait for me. / He kind of just does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? / I know, the engine's not even on / That's just cruel. / I didn't. I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.

He's not, you know, the smartest, but...

Hey, guys. / Hey, Dee. / I didn't see you there. / Are you almost done?

No! No, I don't, no. You just, you just stay where you are and... You know what, I'll text you when I'm wrapping up, and then you can crank the A.C., cool the car off for me.

Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big-time. / He's not doing... / Big-time! / ...anything.

64. / Ow! Ow! / Oh, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key! Someone! Someone call a doctor!

You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you. / That guy paid me to.

You want to have me stabbed? / I was going to protect you from the stabbing. / Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Dee, I don't like you. / Well, how is that possible? / You're a mean person.

'You are abusive and you smell like warm meat'

'Since when do you and Charlie have a script?' 'Since you walked in here and said you were in that movie.'

Dee thinking 'featured extra' and 'featured actress' are the same thing

featured extra, featured actress-- what's the difference?

Dee learning she's playing a dead corpse, not a zombie

Dee covered in excessive blood makeup and Frank's subtle makeup

Dee saying 'brains' thinking it's a zombie movie when it's about Serbian genocide

Dennis's multiple fake-outs about Dee being the lead

I'm your 'Adelphia.'

I thought you guys believed in me. You were so proud of me... Oh, no. We knew you were gonna choke.

I thought you guys believed in me. You were so proud of me. Oh, no. We knew you were gonna choke. Yeah. Yeah. We knew you'd pretty much choke under pressure.

You guys remember her brother, Bill? Bill Ponderosa? Boy, that guy was like a walking cliché. He was hot, great buns. Yeah, and I remember, every time you tried to talk to him, you'd (gags). I got a little gaggy.

Dee gagging while trying to express excitement about seeing Bill Ponderosa

Oh. What are you doing? Are you going to throw up? No... Then why are you gagging? Oh, that... Because, Dee, that triggers my gag reflex too, and then I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Yeah, one second you're on your high horse about how great marriage is, and now you're destroying one? / Well, I'm not the one who's married. I didn't do anything wrong.

Actually, I came clean to my wife. And she kicked me out of the house. / Ew. Ouch. / Yeah. Bet you wish you could take that one back.

Dee, I gave you a car. / You're gonna jam the car in my face, huh?

Sorry. Want to have sex? / What?! No, no! God, no! Please close your legs up.

I don't give a shit about the car, okay? / Mm-hmm. / My life is in ruins. / Mm-hmm. / I'm gonna lose my kids. / Okay, great, so we're in agreement. I keep the car.

I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins. I'm gonna lose my kids. Okay, great, so we're in agreement. I keep the car.

It's coming up here. This... yeah, this is it right here. The Ponderosas' ponderosa.

I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

All right, are the kids confined in any way, maybe in a crawl space or a backyard bunker? / No, they're out in the car. / Have you touched them yet? / Absolutely not.

I tell you what, I did not mean to kidnap them. That was all... that was all this guy.

How much does he owe you? / What? / How much does he owe you for the sex? / Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute. / Oh, well, congratulations. You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

How much does he owe you for the sex? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute. Oh, well, congratulations. You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

That's my P. Diddy boat dance. You look like one of this inflatable dancing things at the used car lot. The ones that flail around in the wind.

Okay, why don't you bring the guy in, we'll have a dance competition? I'm gonna be the judge of that contest! There's not gonna be a contest! Stop! Everybody stop! Shut up!

Oh, my God, what the hell did you do to our boat?! Uh, we were cleaning it. Wow, wow, wow, what's that all about? You're just breaking everything in this boat. You were supposed to be fixing it up and making it look nice.

There's like a whole world of ancient stuff. There was a horse massacre, right, in the Revolutionary times, and then there's like a pirate ship. Like, I found all these old pretty little dolls. Maybe like a brush, like a pirate is brushing his hair... Killed the horse and then jumped in the ocean?

Goddamn it, I've been cleaning up in there for hours throwing this shit overboard and you're just dragging it all back up. You've been dumping the trash in the ocean?

It's bad enough I let you buy that stupid inflatable guy from the car lot. Stop it! Goddamn it, don't! It's not the puffy guy... it's this music. This aggressive music you're playing.

We're going to do all the work while you guys go to a party? We got to socialize. I could socialize. Uh, no. Not looking like you're looking. You're covered in paint and dirt and grime and all kinds of shit, so... You're skin looks like leather and you got blisters all over you.

[Long pause after 'My opinion?']

A dog banged your neck the other day!

That was a duck. Why would you make a duck noise right in the middle of my thing?

I thought I'd up the production value, add some sound effects.

Want a little something sweet?

Well, good for you. You keep a couple of token ones around, do you? Parade 'em around like dancing monkeys?

Your shirt doesn't even fit, by the way. If you wanna be an elitist, get yourself a tailor.

I'm jumping in the pool! Yeah. Plus I'm gonna piss in it.

Josh Groban comes to town and we consider it a call to action. What you're saying is very dorky.

No, no. I'm not doing that. Absolutely not. You're on your own.

Josh Groban likes his ladies to pop, so...

Josh Groban likes his ladies to pop, so...

Dog looks like a gargoyle. He smells like piss.

What is going on with my face?! It's the bedbugs.

Grobin!!! Noooo!

I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

Well you should give a shit, 'cause one of you is the father.

There's no studs here. No beef in the freezer, if you know what I mean.

Listen, all right, number one, it's a win-win for both of us. That weird plumber... he's going to leave you alone for the rest of the night. That's good, right? And then the second great thing for you is I'm not going to beat the shit out of you, so let's go.

Call me a bird all night. Making fun, saying names. Well, let's see who's sexy now, dickwads. 'Cause I look good.

I just told you that because you were making fun of me for eating the sandwich, and I thought it would upset you and get you going and it did, it worked.

but I'll tell you what, I'm not going to tell you who the father is.

Dee's letter to future self about Hollywood success with enclosed million dollar check

May you rot in hell, you retched beast! / That's what the villagers screamed at you

The countdown pressure into accepting the teaching job

You-you may not have seen all of them or any of them.

Rise and shine, dickwad

Rise and shine, dickwad. This is a great teacher, but he is wasted on you.

Students leaving when given the option

You get out of here, you stupid idiot. Hey, you want to go to the mall?

♪ My face composed of rotten flesh, roar, roar! A hideous beast with deadly clutch, roar, roar! Another's heart beats in my chest I'll never know a woman's touch... Roar! ♪

Did you get that orange out of the garbage? I sure did. Can you believe that? Someone threw this away. Perfectly good orange, you know?

Goddamn it, you guys! I am a teacher now, okay? Don't ever call me here again! I don't have time for your shit, you dumbass dickbags!

Wrong number. Sorry.

he's taken a turn for the worse... and he's died. Now, while we all feel robbed of him here on Earth... heaven above... has just received another angel.

And that... is what you call... a monologue!

Now, they're not gonna be as good as mine just was, but listen... I don't want you to beat yourselves up for it

One minute dead, the next minute alive- resurrection. It's all acting! Everywhere there's acting.

Seriously? Are you kidding me? All right. That's it. I am taking you guys on a field trip to Broadway!

Yeah, we're best friends. Best friends. Excellent.

Now, I know you're all super stoked about watching a movie in a bar... but we're just gonna keep it on the down low. You know what I mean? We don't need your parents and the principal finding out. It's just our little secret.

Uh, without further 'adieu,' Othello. So I guess this is a Shakespearean movie. It's gonna be a little bit boring.

Oh, shit! Lethal Weapon 5! This is great. What the hell is this? It's our movie. It's a much more modern-day example of blackface.

What is going on? Where are you? Frank splurged on a green screen. But he wouldn't pay for the green screen on our side, so - We're not in the back office. We're in a casino.

Kinda comes out of nowhere... but at least it's classy. Here comes the turn.

So, we're fired, yeah? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Probably never should have been hired in the first place, though, huh? That was my bad.

I got something that might cheer us all up. Who wants a little bit of - Little bit of deliciousness here? I'm not gonna eat that.

Okay, I'm pregnant, and you haven't offered me coupons or spa days or roasted pigs or surprises

I just jumped straight to default and was gonna throw this second coupon in the trash.

What if I guarantee you that nobody out there will put you into a bag and bash you against a telephone pole?

If you don't come with me to the movie, I'm gonna take this raccoon of yours and I'm gonna bash it into a telephone pole.

I swear to God, if you don't sit down and shut up and watch the movie, I'm going to attack you. I don't care how pregnant I am

Want your spaghetti, Charlie? Want your spaghetti? Here's your spaghetti.

Look what Charlie and I found. Look at this. Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me. It reeks. What is that? Dude, this is our mail.

I threw it in there. You turkeys never open it, so I just started throwing it in the sewer.

Because if I threw it in the trash, you would find it and then yell at me. Besides, I certainly never expected you guys to be rooting around in the sewer.

Don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer. You find shit down there. But how are you so clean? We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.

Big stuff. Rings, coins, nudity. That's part of the fun. The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked looking for rings and coins? You feel it with your feet. It's almost like clamming.

My water just broke! I'm having a baby.

There's a baby inside of me running out of water. Look out!

There's no guy? There's no guy. It's complicated. There's gotta be a guy. We'll go get the guy. We'll get the dad.

Why don't you guys do what you do best and don't care, okay? I got it from here. We can take it from here. Right, Michael?

You are standing on top of a rolling chair. You're gonna go flying through that window, for God sakes. Get down.

I have a very specific birth plan and mostly it involves me watching my stories to relax but I can't get this goddamn TV to do anything.

You left the hospital? Yeah. I was kind of hungry. Mostly I was just getting bored.

Why is there a strange man in my room? They probably slid this man in here thinking that you were never gonna use the room. I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.

I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up. Do not scream in the man's face. I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine whether he's alive or not.

Why would they put a dead old man with paper skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth?

This was not part of my birth plan. This was not part of my birth plan, sir.

Oh! Oh, are you alive? Oh, my goodness. What is going on here? What are you doing with Mr. Craig? They're trying to put me in the trash.

Oh! It doesn't feel good. This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.

No. I was their surrogate. We used her sperm and a donor egg and then they just kind of - right up there and - We had a difficult time finding a surrogate, but Dee was a miracle to us.

Dee, you tricked us? How did I trick you? We were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad. We were all keyed up for nothing.

What is your obsession with the sewer these days? You find great stuff down there. Like what? Like sewage. Ha-ha! Good one, Dee. She's back, baby. She's back.

'Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?' 'Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains?'

Frank's Christmas presents: 'He would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year and he would buy 'em for himself instead of buying 'em for us.'

Frank's fake-out with the designer bag: 'You wantee? Fake-out! It's mine.'

Dee's reaction to bag misuse: 'Who puts cheesy snacks and chocolate in a designer bag? Oh, Dennis, he's gonna ruin the lining.'

Gang's immediate disappointment: 'Oh. Uh-oh.' [Teeth click]

Trying to manipulate Eugene: 'Frank's gotten nowhere near the Lord' and suggesting Frank will 'end up old and alone like yourself'

Gang poses as consultants: 'We're consultationists.' 'We pop around here. We consult across the street too.'

Dismissing Eugene: 'If you think Jesus and the Lord are so great, why dont you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis and take your ass home!'

'What happened to all the God stuff?' 'I'm still a liar and a thief.'

It's Tiger Woods? Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.

I know who you are. This guy's an actor. He definitely pretended to be Donovan McNabb one time when I tried out for the Eagles.

Dead hooker in my apartment? That doesn't look good for me. I'm covered in blood.

Drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles to avoid open container laws

The revelation that the beach is covered with stray dogs instead of people

Dee's hair getting caught in the carnival ride machinery

Dennis and Dee's elaborate tragic backstory for a random woman

'You know I can hear you, right?' / 'You're not that far off.'

Dee smoking angel dust thinking it's weed

The montage of Dennis and Dee's drug-fueled crime spree

'Did you rape me last night?' - Dee's morning after confusion

Charlie describing their romantic night of drinking ocean water

'That's a piece of a broken glass bottle.' - Revealing Charlie's 'jewel'

Do I look suspicious? You look grotesque.

Yeah, those mothers just left their kids here in a bar with complete strangers in a pageant that's under investigation. They're terrible parents.

I see amateurs, I see trash, little pieces of trash on my stage. You guys are dummies.

Samantha gets to be mean because Samantha is a star, okay? Maybe one day you'll be a star, but right now you're not. You're junk.

You belong in the bathroom. Go!

You're ugly. You don't-- that's not something you say. You're mean. You're the meanest girl in the world.

All hair is technically dead, you stupid idiot smarty-pants stupid, stupid idiot.

You look like you're at your own wake.

What's up, bitches?

My surrogate money came in. 30 G's, babies.

What the hell are you talking about? You did nothing for nine months.

Okay, I made all the contacts, I pushed that little monkey out and now I'm going to be claiming him as a dependent and getting tax breaks for the next 18 years.

Uh, you guys all better eat a dick, 'cause Sweet Dee beat the system.

Whatever god you're selling, I ain't buying it.

Letters? What is it, 1986? I don't do letters, lady. I'm all digital.

Uh, no. What do you mean no? Yes.

But now's not a great time, you know what I mean? Because I left him in the car-- with the window down of course.

I just got to find a baby by 3:00 in the afternoon.

How many babies you need? Yeah. Just the one baby. How long? Couple hours?

You want it for life or you...? Just a short-time baby.

Very, very sick baby. Very sick baby!

I can't cry on command. / Jesus Christ, Dee. I mean, how are you planning on becoming an actress at all? You can't make people laugh, 'cause you're not funny, you can't cry on command. What can you do?

You were my special angel. And only angels can fly.

Are my eyes bleeding? Oh, my God, is there blood?! You son of a bitch!

Yeah, robopocalypse-- machines communicating with each other and conspiring to destroy the human race.

And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor? / Uh, you've probably been banging in the bunker, right? / Guilty. / I've been watching him bang in here.

When it's white people, it's survival, and when it's black people, it's looting. / No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread, and the black people are stealing speakers.

I happened to be out in L.A. during the riots. I was on business. / And to steal ski equipment, I guess. / Yeah, well, I went in for a loaf of bread, I took some skis. Everybody's happy.

It's Cricket! / Cricket. / Oh, what are you doing down here, Cricket? / I come down the bunker sometimes when it rains.

We could dress him up and take him upstairs, and then the looters would think he's the owner of the bar, and they'd have their way with him, and if he died, you know, it's on them, and-and not on us.

It's freezing outside. / You're gonna catch cold and then everyone's going to get sick in the bunker. / What are you talking about, freezing? It's sunny as shit.

We gotta nail the board down to the bar, because, at a certain point during the game, Mac can get very pissed off, 'cause he's not doing very well. He's gonna try and flip the board over.

The winner gets to smash the other team's game pieces. / That's the prize? / You get to smash the team's game pieces? / Oh, it's incredibly gratifying.

This is how we get psyched up before each level. / Yeah, that's our Maori war dance. / That's how we demonstrate intimidation. Shows off our physical prowess!

What is the greatest band in the world? / Chumbawamba. / Correct!

We made up all these questions, Frank, so there's gonna be a lot of opinion. / Yeah, really, it's more of a memory game than anything else.

Because Dennis is a bastard man. / That's what it is. / I definitely wrote that. / That was it, right?

Cheese and crepes! / Dadgumit! / Son of a gun. / Cheese and crepes! / Cheese and crow.

Shut up, dog.

Shut up, dog. / Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. You're not supposed to eat them. / We win the level. / Wait, they're still inside me! I can get them out!

Charlie eating the grapes instead of just collecting them

Dee's delusional confidence about handling emotional battery

Dennis and Dee winning on heads after all the buildup

Ugh. Ew. What the hell was that?

This is as low as I go, okay? I say we bum-rush her and choke her out with her own belt.

I hope they hogtie you. And then I hope they rape you in their basement for ten years.

How come Mac's the only one who gets to push the button on the walkie?

I'm like the cute, funny waitress who has all these one-liners and hilarious jabs I throw at the customers

Kids these days, they have so many more choices than we had when we were little. Am I right?

Well, they're not landing because I'm not getting to the punch line

You're just going to sail around the United States is what it looks like.

But you have candy coming out of your pocket.

Precisely, you bitch! I need to know precisely. 28 minutes! I'm sorry.

Plus, I hear the guy hangs dong, and I'm very interested in seeing that.

Looked like a button in a fur coat.

It was more of a ding than a dong really, Mac.

I'll come back for you. Don't... don't you do that. Don't you... Charlie, get back here right now!

That's shit in my hair, that's why.

Group chanting 'Reunion! Reunion!' repeatedly with increasing energy

No brace, fools! Baby got back!

Maybe the most forgettable girl in school. Yeah, which, by the way, is the worst thing you could be in high school.

It's Adriano Calvaniste, Charlie. It's the guy who coined the name 'Aluminum monster.'

He called you Dirtgrub and he made you eat spiders. Oh, that guy!

Yes. I mean, no. People don't call me that anymore, but yeah.

For some reason, homophobia, it's just, it's awesome to these guys. I'm sewing myself in.

Yeah, I told him I loved him once, but that was like four years ago.

Cricket's revelation about stealing jewelry and being covered in ringworm after Dee told him she loved him

I did not picture this guy getting recycled back into the mix.

Hey, y'all, it's me, Martina Martinez.

Rape! Rape! Rape! My... This white boy's got his hands all over my beautiful brown body!

When was the last time a white lady pick up after you when you threw your orange soda and your grape sodas on the ground?!

I just got tagged by a bat! He got you. I got tagged! Suck out the poison, Dee!

Let's go break up this wedding.

Let's go break up this wedding. Stop, stop! So you were there to break up the wedding. Shit. Did I just say that part?

You're a bad sponsor. Why? I supported every decision he wanted to make.

Here, have a sip, right from the cow's titty. You'll love it. / How is drinking a glass of milk going to loosen me up, Bill? / Well, I spiked the milk with methylenedioxypyrovalerone.

You sons of bitches! You're gonna pay! You're all gonna pay! I'll kill you! / No, we won't pay. We never do.

Well, you guys'll be out here with some of my frat brothers' guests. / Oh, yeah. We'll... we'll meet you af... we'll see you after.

How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank? / Three. / Hmm? / Four.

I'm getting a Fa... No, I'm getting a Ba... No, I'm getting a Da... Dennis? / Dennis! / Is it? / Yes, yeah, no, I'm seeing that.

Free shit, free shit. Jesus Christ. Act like you belong here.

I seen better-looking moose turds in Rick Moranis' backyard, ya hosers.

Some women just don't know how. What?! I don't know what it is. Sometimes it's only the guy who gets off.

They're calling me 'Scarecrow.' 'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields, scaring away the other birds.

I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight.

There are men here, and they're watching me.

Tie his shoelaces together. You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together?

'Oh, no, I-I would lose my job. And I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, and my family, and they'd be so disappointed 'cause they're currently so proud of my accomplishments.' I mean, God, lighten up, guy.

Oh, no, I-I would lose my job. And I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, and my family, and they'd be so disappointed 'cause they're currently so proud of my accomplishments.

Dennis's multiple bench warrants for sexual misconduct

Frank admitting to having 'a lot' of unregistered guns

Everyone immediately starts using the Trial Meter despite Dennis's objections

Mac denying his superhuman beliefs when confronted

Dee's car destruction revelation

Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches! I am going to destroy everything you own!

Did he say it was a race? No. Why are they running? I have no idea.

Dee eating month-old trash cake while smoking

The gang trying to roast Dee but she keeps completing their insults

I might as well just throw myself in front of a bus though, because I'm so ugly I can't even get a bus to hit on me

I passed out at the park the other day, and a couple of kids wrote, 'Wash me' in the filth on my vagina

I can't even get a bus to hit on me

Joke's on me

He's got all of his skin, still

And that he has plenty of teeth to get... But not all of them?

What are you doing? / Sound effects.

Dee making random sound effects

The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag

I can't even keep crabs in this vagina. They're all like, 'Clickety clackety, clickety clackety, clickety clackety clack. I got to get out of here!' Evacuate vagina

I'd like to say it was fun, but I've had a better time ripping out my own pubes. Shellac, shellac, rip! Ping, ping, ping, ow!

Dennis repeatedly calling Dee's name with increasing desperation while she ignores him

Dennis, you're out

Dennis... suck my dick

I took it too far? Oh, God, you sons of bitches!

I would like to buy a man destroyer from you, please. Hey, maybe you could recommend something that could blow a hole through an elephant, you know. 'Cause I need that for my home protection.

Says here you burned her. I burned her, yeah. I burned her. But... She was so annoying. I mean, it... She deserved it, okay?

You know, you light one bitch on fire, and everybody freaks out!

I will burn you alive like the last bitch who crossed me! Okay, all right, all right, Dee. That's not getting us anywhere. Okay, she's hot.

The man has an assault rifle! What am I supposed to do?! Shit! I can't buy one! The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, which we can't get!

I think I'm gonna get one of those water filters. I do kind of want one, right? For safety, for safety. I mean, he does make some good points. Yeah. The water's toxic. I mean, it is. Yeah.

It's not for you! It's for us! - Use gloves! - Use gloves.

I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg. - Why would you give him an egg? - It's like a paperweight.

I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though, 'cause it seemed like fun. - Well, now I feel left out. - Can we drink now?

It's growing on me, too. I-I like the chemistry that the staff has. Oh, did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda?

But we are gonna do a will-they- or-won't-they thing between you and Mac. - Dee and I don't want to be together. - No. But the customers want you to be together.

That's the punch line to Mac bang-banging our mom. She didn't, she didn't even notice.

Is it us? Ugh. No. - No, no, no, it can't be us. - Us? - No way. I highly doubt it's us.

I mean, I guess it is us after all, you know? It's us. - All right, it's us. - Screw them, you know why? - 'Cause I like us.

I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one. - Ah, it'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

You're, like, a berry salesman now or...? No, I'm a distributor, Charlie, for a revolutionary new product that changes lives.

Oh, those are my new wrenches. I got those free for sitting through a 20-minute presentation.

Alpacas can survive entire winters on this shit.

Where do I put my feet? Wherever you want. I'm gonna put them on the stool. Great. It doesn't matter.

157 what? Units. Units, dude. Units of what? Units of stress!

You're getting scammed, Dee! It's not a scam! You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf club but instead you got got.

What are you doing, Charlie?! I'm drinking the berry juice to save my life.

'wealth creation through the use of antioxidants, powerful antioxidants' and 'redefine success and change the world.'

Frank? What is this? You're stuck? Was this your plan?

It's a pyramid scheme. It's not a pyramid scheme. It's a reverse funnel system. Turn it upside down. Oh, shit!

You're the sucker, okay? You're naked and you're stuck in a coil!

If we get him out of there, how do we know he's gonna keep helping us? If we get him out of there, he might scam us further.

I say we leave him stuck in there just for a few more days so we can leverage him for business advice... We keep him contained.

Nobody gives a shit about free soup, Charlie. People want golf clubs and concert tickets.

As you can tell by our huge mansion, we're insanely loaded. But it wasn't always this way. We used to be losers, like all of you people.

Yeah, I had to do some reshoots. You are way too hung up on the berries.

You saw the video. Was the video not clear? The video was pretty clear, Charlie.

107. Hey, man, that's pretty good. Don't... Healthy guy over here. Charlie, no, that's terrible.

Hey, buddy, do we have to be kneeling this entire time? Yeah, this is not comfortable.

Seven straight hours of lecturing? Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality... from him? Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?

Did someone just go plop? / Looked like it. Someone just jumped.

No, that's not really badass, guys. That's dangerous. Um, can we put him on our shoulders and parade him around like Rudy? I'm feeling that now. No, no, no, no, I don't think that's gonna work anymore.

I thought that one was gonna... Let me try.

It's so much more comfortable when someone's gay and open about it. And, like, I know we've never said this as a group, but... Mac's gay. Yeah, Mac's gay. He's gay. He's gay.

He's got the boner again. Yeah. Yeah. Well, at least this time it makes sense, huh?

Country Mac for Paddy's Mac. We send Mac to the country, bring Country Mac here. Yeah, to the bar. That's not a bad idea.

Damn it, Dee, this is all your fault. What? It's because of you. How is this my fault? It just is, you stupid bitch.

Let's sacrifice her. What? Sir, sir! Please, take her, take her! Have your way with the whore!

I'll see you in hell, boners. No witnesses. I like your style.

We should team up. Us ladies need to stick together.

Hello, love, I'm the new butler. Albert Covington's the name.

Ah, ah, ah! Who slayed Achilles? Uh, Paris, Hector's brother. Well done, lad.

Well, this time I play a very beautiful woman. Uh, a warrior princess who saves the world.

That's how babies are made.

D-D-D-Don't- Don't put me on the spot. I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.

This Bible's a Bible of my daddy who just di-di-died in my-my arms of-of throat cancer, from-from eating some-some-some bad pussy.

Were you eating pizza and drinking beer up there? Yes, Frank, I was eating and drinking in a ceiling. I mean, will you use your head?

That's not mine.

Oh, my God, you guys. You guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves into the bar. At least since we got stuck in the bathroom. Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That-that we never had the flu? We were just having alcohol withdrawal?

Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of college, and that supports Mac's argument.

In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both of you.

Ultrasonic rodent repellant. It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat eardrums. Stupid rats.

Get it off me! Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue! You guys! You've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.

Did you try the gasoline, loosening it? All over it. That didn't work, but you know what does work? Breathing it in. Deandra, are you holding onto the trap? No. Oh, I don't... I don't know. Let go of the trap. No...

You stupid science bitches couldn't even make my friends more smarter. Hey, you're right! Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.

The guy wanted to shoot a full penetration sex scene and show it.

I don't have a problem, as much, with the act itself as I do with the man who's performing it.

Maybe 'cause I got 'em at the gas station, I guess.

Because Gail the Snail works at the Wawa, okay? And we got mad beef.

Visual gag: Dee awkwardly approaching Liam alone while others watch

The skin tone is a-- is a-- a good match. Oh, well, when you move the other one, I guess I can tell a little bit, if I'm being honest.

Snail, what the hell are you doing here? Who invited you?

Listen, could you just swallow your spit and then breathe, and then we can talk?

You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.

Always sticking me with the nerds.

29... beers.

Greenies. Uppers. Vtt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.

Now, I know you're not quitting on me. I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked Hazzard County schemes!

Well, what do you say, Boss? Now, I know you're not quitting on me. I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked Hazzard County schemes!

I did it! 71 beers! Holy shit! I'm the king. I'm the king, Boss Hogg.

Yes, of course, that's exactly what I did, and it worked well, and-and now we're going steady.

I just dropped a whole bunch of money on a new promise ring for my man.

Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp.

I'm actually on a Buncher. Wait, what? Yeah, they should be here any minute.

Oh. It's kind of small, huh? Well, it's my dad's.

I'm breaking up with you. Right. Well, I didn't know that we were together.

Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.

The DEE system. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.

They're all here to get Deed-- the most empowered woman in Philly.

Hey, are you the whore who bangs everybody? No, I'm not the whore... I-I'm the empowered woman who gives poor ratings to men.

The guy you went to high school with, who killed and ate his family? - Yeah... Yeah, yeah, yeah... but don't get all hung up on that, man

so they just cut all the loonies loose? - What? How could they do that? That's-that's insane! - I guess it was either that or raise our taxes.

they used that money to open up the Eagles' new practice facility... That makes sense. That's kind of a no-brainer... you can't have our guys out there twisting ankles... A man of Shady McCoy's abilities, he needs a proper landing strip.

Well, I had a simple conversation with a reasonable man and that man wrote me a prescription. - Mm, yeah. He got the drugs by being a real-life actual psychopath.

Yeah, and when it pokes their butts, they scream, 'cause they just got a nail right in the butt.

Oh, no, he wants a turkey burger. - What? Why? - I don't know. I offered it to him.

Give this to Frank. Tell him G-sharp. Then you got to paint him head to toe in black. Why would I do any of that?

That's how you make a joke stool right there! That's... Ow, Charlie!

That's how you make a joke stool right there! That's... Ow, Charlie! Did you do that? Yeah, you know what? I think I did.

You're gonna help us gather intel. Really? Let's do it, come on.

It got me! It got me good! Aah! It got in my mouth!

Uh, hell no, lady, no. Uh, look, I realize this might all be moon talk to you, but I'm not touching fish guts with my hands, okay?

Just send it all over the place! Nobody will know.

Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom and then I was gonna sneak out the window

I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time. But that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me. / Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all.

I think I want to get the beak on the side? Frank's always making me eat it first and frankly I'd rather it last if I'm gonna have to eat it all...

Beak! / No! / No.

Our thinking: Clear. Our rhymes: No fear. Our words, our passion that flows like beer. Misery! Chains. Thunder. Rain. We're chasing the dragon. We're chasing our pain.

You guys are depressing. I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here. Turn that crap off! Yeah, baby! There they are! The usual suspects! Pondy!

The, uh, sex workers use fruit during the act. What? Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus masks the taste of a dirty penis. In fact, 95% of fruit has usually been in someone's orifice before it even reaches the market.

Dee wanting to do a 'Jenny McCarthy thing' - super sexy but with a potty mouth

Dee hasn't eaten in three days to avoid being puffy, comparing herself to J-Mac

Dee: 'Well, Grant, I'll tell you what... I like to eat cock.'

Dee explaining her joke: 'It's a little bit of a double entendre type of thing. I was talking about chicken, but I said cock.'

Everyone imitating the buzzer sound to annoy Dennis

Dee breaking the buzzer machine

Dee fainting from hunger and making fart noises

Yeah, I know. Goddamn it.

Ugh, gross. That chair smells like Frank's butt. / It's not actually Frank's Frank's butt; I think it's a combination of all of our butt smells, you know? / That's worse.

Oh! Got to have a legacy. / Oh, here we go. / Oh, oh! Yeah, okay. / On a paper plate, huh?

All right, Dee, the bar is finally ours. / Let's talk redecoration. / Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm thinking chrome everywhere.

The other thing that's important to me is a proper dance floor. That way, any time I want to just pop a boogie, I can do it wherever I am, and it won't be weird, you know what I mean?

All right, you know what, you've been doing this all day. / Why are you talking like that? / I'm just being... I'm being arch.

Well, because we're being devious and we're plotting, and I just wanted to make sure that it was clear that we were devious and plotting.

Number one, um, never tell one side that you're playing both sides. / Yeah. / And number two, if you are gonna play both sides, don't give away the information before you get what you want.

Are you okay? / What are... W-What's happening? / I'm... I'm being arch. / Oh. Oh. / We're doing a thing together, so you know...

Oh, my God, so much blood! Oh, so much blood, I think we hit an artery, Dee, look at this. / Is he okay? / No, he's okay, you know, the duct tape'll stop it.

Can't imagine it was gonna be a very good sample anyway-- there are quite a few pickles floating around in that bag.

'Worst is first.' My mom used to say that to me all the time because I was first and she thought I was the worst. / Holy shit, that's terrible, but that's good for us.

Speaking of number two... / Oh! / Dude. / Oh! / Damn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.

Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters Incorporated

But here's the problem. If you don't do that and write the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna rat you out.

That is extremely impressive. - Oh.

The one eating paint chips off the wall. It tastes like paint.

I have so much alcohol, and I gave him three bottles of Fight Milk.

Am I peeing? Is he peeing?

It is I... the Master! - Am I dreaming? - You're having a vision. - Am I peeing? - Uh... - Is he peeing?

Lord Zolo is gonna get you on the mother ship. - Lord Zolo? - Charlie... you've graduated to the next level.

all of you are going to need to commit suicide. I knew it! The final circle.

CHARLIE: And I will not yield to the gentleman. DEE: 'Cause you have no honor, you goddamn bitch. You have no honor!

We always win. And they always lose.

Everyone trying to convince themselves they can play without caring about winning, followed by synchronized exhaling

FRANK: It's four Fs. I didn't know it was gonna come off like that. DEE: Pretty sure you did.

What Philly celebrity would you most want to have a drink with? DEE: Bill Cosby. DENNIS: Yes! All right. Yeah! Point for us.

DEE: Dee, I'm gonna put your head in a box if you don't start getting the answer right.

(Philadelphia accent): Hallelujah. Looks like the tide's turned. Yeah, looks like we got an advantage over yous guys, huh, Den?

But now that you're conscious, you know... Dee, are you, uh, all set back there? Yep.

Loser. Yeah! (both taunting, screeching) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! (both honking)

Frank casually drops 'Your mother's dead' in the middle of an argument about chickens

Dee suggests Wyclef Jean charity scam, then sings 'Gone Till November' incorrectly

Dennis claiming to be working toward becoming a veterinarian, Dee claiming Broadway dreams

'You're what, 25, 26?' 'Yeah.' They're actually almost 40 and working at a bar

'There was a disaster in Haiti?' followed by Dee stammering and claiming she invented the phone

Dennis and Dee competing over who invented the phone with increasingly ridiculous claims

'I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.'

You want to keep the skins, don't you? There's no denying the skins are fascinating.

Dee pointing out Dennis is going bald and has back fat, his defensive reaction

Also you're going bald. I'm going bald?! Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?!

I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis

Dennis and Dee wake up with a crack pipe, having smoked crack despite trying to stay clean

'No one in the history of crack has ever woken up in the morning with more crack.'

Forged document where they crossed out 'Frank' and wrote 'Dee' and crossed out 'not' from 'not donkey brained'

All the gang ending up at the welfare store, Charlie still insisting it's 2006

Bank teller can't cash the check because it's dated 2006 - final confirmation they're back to normal

Eat this, bitch! (laughing) Oh, shit. What'd you do that for? Oh, sorry, Frank. We thought you were some jerk-off who bought the mountain. I am the jerk-off who bought the mountain.

No, I was in court all day. I was trying to win back custody of my daughter. Oh. Mm. (chuckles): That's a bit of a downer. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

Rent money! No, no. No, no, no, no, no. Whoa, no, no. Drink 'em. Drink 'em.

Everybody get your tits out! (cheering) Hell yes! He just said, 'Take your tits out,' and they all just took their tits out. Yeah, I'm gonna keep mine in, just for now.

We're drilling a hole in the women's shower so we can look at 'em naked. Yeah. Why? What-what does that have to do with Frank and Dennis? I don't know. I don't know. Well, nothing, really. It's just a warm-up prank to get the juices flowing.

I hired the hookers, so you could rip their tops off. That makes sense. Oh... That makes a lot of sense.

Hey, guys. Here we go. - I'm ordering it. - Drop the bluff, Dee. No one believes you're in an actual movie.

So, Dee, you clearly made a porn. This is a porno! What? No? It's not a porn. You guys, the-the foreigners, they have a much more evolved view of sex. This is... this is art.

Where's he from? Puerto Rico. Oh! Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico! Oh, man. Dee, you made a Skinemax flick with a Puerto Rican pervert.

Listen, hey, I did not make a smut film. Gobble that cock.

Using a multi-tiered distribu... Multi-level marketi... The Invigaron system. Brains.

Grieco, you've had 15 packages of seaweed today.

And the woman in no way looked like Rick Moranis. She totally did. I remember her. Remember her? Yeah. Um...Oh, no. I wouldn't even sleep with her.

DEE: It's not your bed, okay? It's my goddamn floor!

You're turning this place into the Superdome.

Oh, I take that as a compliment. It's not a compliment. Well, it's biblical, so it's a compliment.

And we don't have to worry about getting ringworm. You brought the ringworm.

I mean, we're your friends, I've never heard of it.

I'll take that California king bed for myself.

You guys are cracking, aren't you?

Frank deflecting with 'Shut up, bird!' when pressured

My memory was clouded by rage, and so I misremembered the incident.

Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me, Bill?

Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.

Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.

Abramowitz! Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.

This dirty liar is a Jew... ish man.

Flute conversation escalation ending with 'Everybody go get a flute!'

DEE (Irish accent): You get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna sock you a good one right in the kisser!

DEE: This is like all foam. FRANK: Dee, you goddamn bitch!

Frank abandoning Dee by driving away

I'm gonna be the captain. Charlie's gonna be the first mate. No, no, no, I-I'm putting a stop to this right now. No costumes, no high jinks.

can we take a vacation from our usual bullshit? So don't be gluttonous. No wrath. No lust for me.

Oh! Goddamn, Frank. Oh, my God. You might actually be the devil.

That's my seat, bitch. Excuse me. Sorry. Got a little worked up. Uh, not quite in vacation mode yet. Let me try again. Um, please get your shit off my seat.

See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here? Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old. No, she's of age. I checked.

No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean. She's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did. That's... that's exactly what it is.

It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging. So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff.

Oh, my God! Oh, a bird shit on me! A bird shit in my mouth! I'm literally getting shit on!

I knew you couldn't stop from being gluttonous. That's gone, too. I kind of drank... all of it. Charlie drank it. He needed to calm down.

That's the bitch who stole my chair! Magic? The dark arts? First the queers. Then sorcery? This cruise is going straight to hell.

Now watch while I turn these spades into stars. Oh! Oh, shit! Who's getting shit on now, bitch?

Well, what is this, boat jail? I'm not a goddamn Somali pirate, okay?

Well... I'm gay. Yeah. No shit. Oh, you guys knew this already? That you were gay? From the day we met.

Honestly, what's the point anyway? There's no meaning to any of it. There's no God, there's no heaven, there's no hell. Wrong!

You know where hell is, Mac? You know where hell is? It's right here. It's right now. We are in hell!

I can't do Obama 'cause he's a black man and I'm a white woman. Can you give me a white woman?

C.C.H. Pounder... Goddamn it, Dutch! What other errands do you have us running for the D.A.?

Hey, yo, what up, son? What's up wit' Congress bein' all up in my ass and shit, brother?

Hey, yo, where my senators at, dawg?

I thought we were all doing, like, a Stomp thing.

Mac owns a Cowboys jersey... Of course it's Romo! Who else would it be?

Sis... I love you. / Whatever.

Musical number about not making assumptions followed by making assumptions

Not me, I had my bracelet laminated in the '90s. I haven't paid to get in here since I was 14.

Getting stuck in the kiddie slide together

Don't question him; we need God! / God didn't put the sun anywhere. The sun stays still; the Earth moves around it.

Mac. Stop talking to children about their buttholes, okay? It's not appropriate.

That kid looks passed out, Dee. / Yeah, he's out cold, but I think I can maneuver his body pretty easily. / Yeah, but if we send him down there, he might drown. / Guys, I gotta take a poop.

The problem is it's already happening. I'm peeing on your shoulder right now. But I don't mean to, I'm sorry. / It's warm.

Cock-a-doodle-doo! / What are you doing? / Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by with the usual hijinks. Aga-aga-aga-agoo.

Cock-a-doodle-doo! / What are you doing? / Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by with the usual hijinks.

Will you look at that? I've got my dumb head stuck in the banister.

Oh! / What? / Oh, I... I just shit my pants. / Oh, God! / I just meant to fart. I didn't... I didn't...

My God, there are other fluids?

Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond. Go bag? You're gonna go blond?

You're executive vice president of operations. Oh. What? Yes. Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this? It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

24 hours... This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

Well, what about the Catholic Church? Hmm. That's a good point. Yeah, no, they did sidestep banging kids pretty masterfully, but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal and we do not, so...

You see, audiences are gonna trust me over you because you're a woman, and, by definition, shrill. No. Women identify with women in power. Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power. I'm threatened by 'em. Everyone is.

Women identify with women in power. Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power. I'm threatened by 'em. Everyone is.

And also, we're sorry. We accept full responsibility for this heinous mistake, and please know that I am actively firing people as we speak, because I am the boss. Bitch.

People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch, pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

Well, he kind of... snapped the neck, uh, off a crow one time a little bit.

But that... but that's not not normal right, you know? I mean, it was just like boys being boys.

Now, supposably, Dennis didn't see Maureen that night,

I put one squirt in there for... on purpose. And this collar! I... Th-There's something wrong with the collar. It's driving me nuts.

You son of a bitch. I-I really think the water activated some kind of, like, chemical agent. My-my neck's burning.

Frank claiming he's a hero while everyone else calls it a hate crime

Dee's explanation of why she doesn't scratch lottery tickets: 'As long as you don't scratch it, then you're not a loser. You're a winner. Potentially.'

Dee claiming she has a 46% chance of Parkinson's disease based on a DNA test

we had this really amazing connection and the sex was so meaningful, both of us wept tears of joy.

Just diving straight into that, huh?

And that's why I was crying. Oh. Right, yeah. Yeah. But don't-don't take it personally.

Rock bottom? Me? how about when your daughter stopped talking to you... Maybe that was your rock bottom, okay? I'm not rock bottom. You know what I am? I'm a rock.

Rock bottom? Me? Uh, hey, buddy, how about when your daughter stopped talking to you... Maybe that was your rock bottom, okay?

Well, that... Don't count that. That's not a good example.

Hello. I'm Dee. I'm a rock.

uh, yeah, is youse Daddy and the Boy? Well, yeah, that-that is true. Well, I've got a party for you.

I got you! I got you. I'm your rock bottom? I'm your rock... That's your rock bottom, sticking your dick in your daughter's face, you son of a bitch.

Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house. - Oh... - Oh... - Thanks for the chant, guys. What's up? - Yeah, no, we were talking about the new Dee, the funny one. - Her?

Then call her Dot. Nah, we already started calling her Dee and it kind of stuck. You know, can't really change it now. It's locked in.

'To many, 9/18 was the delivery world's 9/11' - Dee's anthrax comparison

I gave myself Jerry on purpose. - Well, I was right in the middle of a sentence, but... what? I gave myself the tapeworm. - Well, that is the most disgusting thing I've... - How, you're wondering. No, I don't. No, thanks. I bought poop on the dark Web and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight.

I can't think of a word that rhymes with 'Jerry.' - What? Are you making a valentine for Frank's tapeworm? Well, not if I can't think of a word that rhymes with 'Jerry.' - You son of a bitch. - What? - I can't believe you don't know!

Oh, and literally everything rhymes with 'Jerry,' okay? Scary, hairy, Mother Mary, quite contrary. Woozy, woozy. Woozy from sucking lines.

I am busting out the anthrax. - No! - And I'm out. - Dottie, no.

Nothing rhymes with Dee. - Every...! Everything rhymes with Dee. - I mean, literally, everything rhymes...

♪ You're sweeter than a bee... tle ♪ - Just say bee. - Uh, bee. Right? I didn't think of that. ♪ You're the honey that the bee... makes ♪ ♪ You're the... ♪ ♪ Sugar on the pound... carrot ♪ What's a pound carrot? Go with pound cake. ♪ Cake! ♪

I wrote a couple words on a construction paper, pink and red, and you sing a heart song for me?! You made me do it! Yeah! And you said you loved me! - Ew!

And it's powdered sugar, by the way. - Oh, he's already eating it. - I knew that.

Also, you casually mention RPGs, like, a weird amount. - Is this true? - Yeah. - You were talking about rocket launchers today, I think, yeah. - That was today.

All right. Fine. Three dollars. / Well, you don't go down in negotiation. / With Cricket, you do.

So, this is the hangout spot then, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, these are my friends. Oh, so that must make you Prudence then. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes, it does. Yeah. Oh. He is Prudence, and I'm Griffin. No, he's Mac!

Look, as we all know, everything is about emotion with women. Right, Dee? What?! Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my God. Whoa!

I've got a great plan, but, uh, I'm thinking that this isn't my problem, and, also, you guys wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said. Good point.

What are you doing, Frank? Oh, Charlie's doing a thing at the apartment tonight, so I'm gonna crash here. Okay? No, get a hotel.

You know what, do you mind if I take the bed? Because I got a little pinched nerve in my neck. It's driving me crazy. Wh... yeah, I mind.

Don't get all emotional, just do it. I don't want this.

You have been stalking that woman for 15 years. Now she's finally showing you some attention, and you don't like it?

Do you want to take care of this child for the rest of your life, is that what you want? Or do you want me to get out of this situation that I'm in? I'm gonna smash it!

What a shot, man! Oh, my God! Whoa!

It's all he ever makes and it's un-edible.

He's fat, he's skinny, he's muscular, it's... It's best to ignore it.

He left him a contact number for where he was gonna be in North Dakota, but it ended up being a mental health line.

You want me to go find one?

It called me a bird. Yes! It did. Exactly. We all heard it.

It doesn't like what I'm wearing and it thinks I need more makeup.

it also thinks Mac looks fat. That's... that's a lie!

I kind of like being the only woman. 'Cause it makes me feel special.

You've done one? With who? My friends. What?! What friends? We're your friends.

All right, I did it alone. She did it alone! Oh!

Oh, now she's gonna do it. Doth thou... Give me this, 'cause you can't...

I have cameras all over the room. I can see and hear everything you do. Oh, my bad. Okay, I stopped. No, you didn't. Again, I can see you.

Why do you have a lock on the outside of your door? Uh, well, that's... Don't ask.

I've done this exact same escape room before. Yeah, that's why I picked it. I wanted to show them that I'm smart and I can solve stuff.

Through cooperation we can find a way to emasculate the men whose attention we're seeking.

Let's see how comfortable you feel in five minutes, when they get frustrated and start smashing all your shit.

This is insanely disturbing. All right, you do it for a living. Get off your high horse.

Dee gets to bite first. Oh, wow. Thanks, guys.

Wade Boggs. He's a Hall of Fame baseball guy who drank 70 beers on a cross-country flight. We're gonna beat that record.

It's the same exact thing, but it's with women. Right? So it's a new idea.

Those are all sad examples of alcohol abuse. The Boggs thing just feels more fun, you know? When women do it, it just feels sad.

Last time, Mac was commissioner, but I figured I could do that and participate because women are excellent multitaskers.

Wow. I never heard you talk so much. Truly awful.

She ate all her nicotine patches already. Ate them?! What? You're not supposed to eat them.

We're in mid-goddamn-air. You know what? Drink your beer. That'll calm your nerves.

Secretariat? The racehorse?

Yes! Do it! See? That's what I'm talking about. Gross-out humor. It's like taking the original to the next level. Nobody expects that from women. It's so much more shocking, isn't it?

They don't check medical bags. See? The guys didn't do that last time. How's that for originality?

How come you're a man servant? Shouldn't there be a woman servant on an all-female flight?

Great. You're a soy boy beta cuck.

And you can put it on the Boggs account. Just make sure you keep all the ladies in the white tees lubricated.

I happen to know that tennis great Martina Navratilova drank 70 beers on a flight to L.A., only to wake up the next morning and beat her rival, Chris Evert, at the California Open.

So now we're gonna try to beat Martina Tinatinova...

You can't just change one small specific and call it new. I changed three! The wine... the athlete, and the bag!

Well, there is a-a male servant. Oh, yeah? Hot? No. Soy boy beta cuck.

The only way to beat men is by competing against other women.

Women don't have a prostate, goddammit. Or is that what men want you to believe?

Oh, you better say cheese, buddy, 'cause you're about to go viral.

That's because when women drink, it is depressing and sad.

Meh.

Mac physically throwing Dee/customer before she even speaks, followed by 'That was amazing! You got me, like, a foot off the ground!'

Dee enjoying being thrown and comparing herself to Thumbelina

That's the highest I've ever gotten.

Dee asking if constantly calling a female coworker a bird is harassment, followed by 'Nice try, you dumb bitch'

Dennis showing off knowledge of harassment law (quid pro quo, hostile work environment) while being called a monster

Charlie claiming molestation by Uncle Jack, Mac confirming it, Charlie denying it, then claiming Dee molested him instead

Oh, shit. Yup. That's ringing a bell.

Dee saying 'It doesn't work that way cause I'm a woman and you're the man' about harassment/rape

Dennis telling Dee: 'Women can be ugly, and you are one of them... You're lanky, and your hair looks like a wig'

Dee's 'MeToo' pun when they mention going for drinks, followed by 'Very good, and for a woman, a good joke.'

You never bought me a Range Rover. All I got were shit cars, which you guys crashed, and you certainly never reimbursed me.

'I tell you what, I am loving it. And Brenda, you got to upgrade, you stupid bitch. Okay? Don't be a dumb idiot.'

Dee's aggressive rant: 'Oh, Karen, you bitch. You dumb idiot. You stupid savage.'

Dee's unhinged declaration: 'I am a golden goddess, you idiot. Savage idiots! And I banged your man.'

The revelation that Aidan is Karen's teenage son, not her boy toy husband

Were you in the women's room? Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom. Why not? 'Cause it's my bathroom, and you're a man.

Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man, I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room... Oh, come on, the... with the gay thing again.

Maybe you're antiquated. Maybe I'm... Get off me! Get off me! Get him off me!

Okay, 'A,' not all women like dudes... lesbians, for example... and, 'B,' I find you disgusting.

You've been in the stall next to me. I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have. I don't own pink heels. Yes, you do.

Well... He's-he's not transgender, but he identifies as a woman when he poops. No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that 'cause my bathroom's nicer.

Is that, is that a hand dryer? Oh, damn. Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here. Oh, goddamn it.

My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution... Okay, well, the Bible says... Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay with Mac using your bathroom? Yeah. As long as the majority of the people aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

Dee... we were just talking, and you just barged right in... Shut the fuck up. Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

Dee falling through ceiling finding kittens

You guys are exaggerating. You weren't even there for half of that. It's just how we remember it, Dee.

I am not an ostrich.

I just, I slept on it funny.

What's going on with your eye? / Nothing, I got a... I think I got an eyelash in it. You're, like, scratching it and it's blinking... I just, I slept on it funny.

No big, giant, ridiculous hands. / What? What? D-Don't make me go without them.

You have literally picked out the biggest pieces of shit in the city. / I got to agree with that. These guys are pieces of shit.

What is in your mouth? / Chew. / Awesome, cool, good to see you.

Your nose is bleeding as we speak. / Okay, I came up portside on a horse, and he was a little quicker than me... that's lesson learned.

Rex represents the best that Philadelphia has to offer. / Either way, Cricks, you're out.

We invite the wrong crowd, and now we've got people going on expeditions for jean shorts. And hocking magical berries and rooting for the Patriots?

Well, we made it to the Super Bowl. That was easy. / Yeah, it was incredibly smooth.

Okay, "Everybody look at me, I'm a stupid Pats fan, making up stuff about Dee's eye."

Would a person with pink eye do this? / Would she do that?

What are you gonna have you, me, dancing on top of the gay float? No. No, no, the press'll murder us.

"That's no animal."

"You know, I can always use a man to help me clean my pipes."

"Men are not in charge anymore."

- Oh! - What?! -Oh! - Really?! - Holy...

Women hate women.

This is why you don't include women. Are you kidding me?! What?! Don't you see that there was a rhythm? Like a cinematic rhythm.

It made me wish I had a dong that I could pull out to celebrate my accomplishments. You know? Or maybe just feel the cool breeze gently tickle the shaft on a, on a crisp autumn morn.

DENNIS and DEE: I am... Thundergun. Goddammit, Dee! - Dee... - How did you not feel that I was next and then you?

♪ Uh, Dee is in the house ♪

Oh, my God. You forgot. Oh, that makes it so much better.

Today, it's you who will be forced to sit and just listen. And my first topic? My feelings.

I'm gonna go take a quick squirt 'cause that beer just went right through me

'with the quivering lips of two souls desperate to taste the juices of passion.' Did that seem like that to you guys?

with the quivering lips of two souls desperate to taste the juices of passion

The ostrich's eyes are bigger than its brain. Do you have any thoughts on that?

I'm talking about the concealer, yes. But I'm talking about the rest of the makeup, the tape you have behind your jaw and your eyes. I'm talking about the hair paint.

This man is clearly a monster, and he will be punished accordingly.

Why didn't you just go and slash her tires, like, five minutes before she had to leave for the meeting?

My plan did work, jackass. I got close enough to the councilwoman in the restaurant to steal her wallet, got her address, and then replaced the wallet without her seeing

Did you see how many times I peed today? I have a teeny, tiny, little bladder. I want to be able to pee on the street if I have to.

You should all probably check your phones. Just 'cause I pushed the cuckoo clock ahead an hour

You just insulted me on Dee Day. You know what that earns you? Another day of Dee.

We can't get away from you.

He gets his teeth sharpened?

I got a pretty good rush from a man almost dying right in front of me. I-I liked it

I went into the Puerto Rican part of town, started making fun of their big fat asses and asked them if they were Dominican.

Take a break from your cockfighting and, uh, you know, hop in your rafts and come bring it to a real American

Munchausen by proxy, that's cute and everything. But if you want Dennis to really depend on you, you're gonna have to save his life... for real.

15, 20 tops. Just until he flatlines. Then you bring him back.

I saw it! I saw the other side. I didn't like it. I hated it. It was just blackness.

I got trampled by wild animals at the zoo when I was seven. - Sheep. At the petting zoo. - Goats!

You... ditched me? - Oh, shut up, Dee. Shut up! God, don't make this all about you.

It was a goat, and it was a lunatic. Its eyes were going in every direction. - Oh, were they? Fascinating. Tell me more! - He pounced on me, and then all of his friends moved in for the kill. - Ooh! Terrifying. Ooh!

I called him the 'F' word. It's a bundle of sticks.

I'm joking that maybe we should get the Jew lawyer and have an arbitration about what words we can and can't use to describe Mac's sexuality.

No, get away from me. / No. God, please help me!

Oh, he is! / He is for real. / Nice one. / Yeah. / Yes, I am.

He's been diarrhea-poisoned.

He's absolutely carpet-bombed my bathroom. And my carpet.

I'm a knockout blonde with a body that would make a statue blush.

You can have tap.

The rat bastard liquefied my guts

Why are you smiling? Well, I'm trying to look sexy. You're supposed to be dead.

You're not supposed to be sexy. You're supposed to be the goon. I'm not the goddamn goon.

I was undercover the whole time. I mean, what are you talking about? That doesn't even make sense.

Like I do with my shoes, you know what I mean? How would I know what you mean?

make more waste by having a big smoke-spewing truck deliver ice to us when we could just simply get off our asses and go get it ourselves?

We'll do a Story about Purina, tag them, and get you a free case of cat food.

Son of a bitch charged me $40 for a bag of ice, Charlie. They... he's taking advantage of this heat wave, jacking up the prices.

I said staged moments that looked candid and seemed honest.

Do you have any idea how much pollution a bus causes? I don't know. Uh, three? Three what? Pollutions?

Yeah. It's when a bunch of people get the app, and then y'all take the same vehicle to different places. Same vehicle, diff... so, like a bus.

I'm gonna give you one star, jerk! Maybe consider getting some gum for those pits!

That driver gave me one star, citing 'verbal abuse' and saying I urinated all over the backseat of his car. That was melted ice. Actually, I did pee back there a little bit.

somebody ripped a hole in the bag and stole it. Yeah. How did you not notice that?

Dee's disastrous Instagram compilation showing her environmental hypocrisy and meltdowns

Hope a bird chokes to death on you.

I can't stand being near you low-life degenerates!

"Cop! Cop! I'm filming this! I didn't do it..."

"If the guy actually wanted to off himself, he'd hop into a warm bath and he'd do the old... north, south. Down the road instead of across the street."

"The proper way to slit your wrist is take a knife and go from metacarpal straight to bicep, connecting with the artery the entire time."

"I'm not talking... we're not talking about me. We're talking about him." "Are we not? I think we're..."

"What would you say in this situation?" "I don't think he's sad, I think he's happy to get off this merry-go-round."

"Butt-eating... Where are you getting that from?" "There's a certain glint in the eye, you know, a sparkle."

"You can see that in someone's eye?" "Have you been eating butts? Of course she has!"

If I want to have a baby and then abandon that baby, I have the right to do that.

You don't get a monkey cut like that unless you're broken inside.

Go full baboon, girl. I support you.

You seriously want to buy me a car as long as I don't cut my hair?

I was like Samson. I had hair down to my butt crack. I looked like a Greek god. You look like a bridge troll.

There it is. There what is, Frank? That's my old hair. He's given it a good home.

I ended up having to do it all by myself! That's right! Listen, it looks... terrible. So bad. I mean, really, really bad.

Why did you guys make such a big deal about it, then? Well, uh, you know, that's, like, a guy thing. 'cause we're used to being in charge

Mac and Dee tumbling out of air ducts, fighting and covered in dust

Dee: 'I spit in your mouth after you jammed me in the tit with your scrawny little elbow' Mac: 'My elbows are massive and you have no tits!'

Mac and Dee went to the 'Fun Zone instead of the Maintenance Zone in the ceiling'

Charlie: 'That's not a joke, that's a riddle. And don't steal my shit, you stupid bird-faced bitch!'

The gang's fake-out ending: pretending to leave then attacking Big Mo saying 'We ain't going anywhere. We're never leaving, you little piece of shit.'

Charlie and I, we're the last tit on the hog before the asshole.

I am so sorry for my partner's blue language. It does not represent our business, and it's extremely off-putting. It was just a joke. Just stop.

That's a mask. Yeah, of Ronald Reagan, but... Ronald Reagan? That's Dennis.

Get the pelts, you bitch! What pelts? The pelts! The pelts, you bitch! You insufferable bitch.

Gentlemen. You got the stuff? Absolutely. Give me one minute. Hey. Digging that face paint. Very festive. What are you gentlemen celebrating?

You're telling me that you provided the iconic costumes at the Capitol riots? Yeah. Yep. Can't say they weren't good costumes, Gary.

[Firework goes off in the bar] Fire. Oh! Huh? What? Shit, I see it.

I don't like how mean they are to each other on that show. / Aw, Sweet Dee. So pure of heart. You know?

Oh, no, Charlie, uh, size 11 in men's. / That's okay. Oh, right. You wear men's. Yeah. I totally forgot.

Oh, got to tighten them Dee's nuts. / Dee's nuts. / I'm sorry. I just don't find crass humor that funny.

Yeah, I'm fine, you small-haired cunt.

A breath mint 'cause your mouth smells like you just ate a giant slice of shit pizza.

I'm gonna get rich, I'm gonna get famous, and I'm probably gonna marry Scott Wolf.

Dee cutting in line at an audition and claiming she's been in character all week

I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes, and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?

Dee starts her acting class with 'For starters... I don't have a limp.'

Chain saw, avocado, marlin. What'd I just say? You. Um... chain saw, avocado, marlin? Right! Which is wrong. You just violated the first rule of acting.

You listened. When you are listening, you are not talking, and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

Acting is ignoring. Ignore reality. Ignore your scene partner because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you. And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay? You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?

Don't ask questions. That shows you don't know something, which makes you look weak.

I didn't say that I don't love you. Then what is it? The baby... It's not yours. It's my... my father's! Bigger. My father's! Louder. My father's!

It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam. I can control you. I can make you feel however I want you to feel, which will help you be a better actor.

You were terrible. Wait, I-I was? No. No. I'm kidding. You were amazing. And you're going to make it. Maybe. I'm not going to tell you right now.

Faster. What? Faster. Slower. Too slow. Don't start over. Stop. Continue.

This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig. 'Obnoxious American MILF #1'? In your faces.

We took that one first-class ticket, divided it into five coach tickets. And then gave you just enough sleeping pills to keep you blissfully asleep

Here I am! 'Obnoxious American MILF' reporting for duty, sir!

I feel like the character would be late, too, so it's not really that big of a...

It's makeup left over from the show I did this morning.

I'm one wet wipe away from being your MILF.

Oh, you're gonna want to F this so bad!

Yeah, yeah, it looks as though the makeup did redistribute down into my, my eye area.

Oh, goddamn feminists ruin everything.

Oh, my God, I'm on a call sheet! That's my name! I can't believe this! I'm gonna be an abused wife!