Artemis

I'm just a small-town girl... who moved to the big city with big dreams... just to find out... the only way to make it in the big city... is to shake it. And that's what I do... at the Coyote Ugly.

I won't be able to pay my bills! I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare! What am I gonna do?

I'm Artemis.

I shake it. Shake it. I shake it. I shake it. I shake it. I sha...

Sweet, Sweet Dee... it's not something you can lose, okay?

The year is 1888. There's a killer on the loose. His name, Jack the Ripper.

I'm Artemis. I'm Dee's friend. I'm trapped. I know. But I can help. Crawl into my mouth.

I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips.

Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.

I'm gonna go get more wasted, and then I'm gonna bang some rim, dude.

You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

I did it. I did 'em all. I did all the poops. I even did one, while she was rappin us, right here.

Because poop is funny.

I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips.

Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale. It's irregular.

Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.

I'm just gonna go get more wasted, and then I'm gonna bang some rim, dude.

Or literate. She added words to it.

What if it's just a sexually charged embrace?

I dated a lot of disable men in my past, so... I enjoyed the power.

Fine, then I'll be Desert Grape.

Hey, did he send you any dick pics. Because it could be a mess down there.

Oh, hit me with your best shot you stupid bitch!

Look, if you see her biatch tell her to get her ass down here. Grobin's feeling frisky and somebody's gotta tap that ass.

I don't remember most evenings.

Because it's really interesting and innovative, and I thought maybe you'd want some lessons.

I'm talking about the sounds of hot, passionate lovemaking that was coming from the bathroom that I had heard with my own two ear balls.

where we gave each other handjobs.

Put it in. Put the bottle in. - Oh, my God. I did. Put it in. - Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying! Don't judge me-- this is art.

Secretariat? The racehorse?

I don't like that she was named after a secretary. She should be a boss.

Just, uh, crystals, worry dolls, dream catchers, labia rings... your basics.

It's a land of sad, lonely, desperate women willing to pay any price for fake spirituality and clean orgasms.

You can't just change one small specific and call it new. I changed three! The wine... the athlete, and the bag!

And the goddess stone is for putting up your snatch.

No, it's my special 'uni-tea.' Well, it's selling like hotcakes. It helps your prostate.

Women don't have a prostate, goddammit. Or is that what men want you to believe?

This Boggs is busted, 'cause I'm doing my own thing now. And it's empowering and communal. Next level shit, right, ladies?

Yeah, six is a yonic number, I'm cool with it.

That tea that I served was spiked with ayahuasca.

It's coming out both ends. The maximum gross-out. So nobody saw that coming from women.

Artemis claiming to be a 'woman of color' because she's Persian

You're a woman of color? Yeah, I'm Persian. That's the ethnicity from Iran. Hello? He's, uh, ignorant.

There's a dearth of Iranian female directors, so thank you.

I will accept the following things: coins, cash, checks, food, vape pens, pens in general, scissors.

My character can. Me, I can't bowl for shit.

A quickie. Quickie it is. My character is also a giant whore, which is what attracted me to the role in the first place, so...

In the third act of my play, Donna rolls a gutter ball in the big match against her rival high school.

Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth.