The Gang Texts

Dennis:Just a reminder that... - Damn it. Where is Frank? I'm not missing this lion feeding.

Charlie:Hey, man, you know, they have those bubbles, you know, where you can pop your head up out of the ground and look around.

Mac:Yeah, you're looking around. It's like you are a meerkat.

Dee:I got trampled by wild animals at the zoo when I was seven.

Dennis:Sheep. At the petting zoo.

Mac:Goats!

Charlie:Dennis has a boner? He does?

Mac:Yes.

Dennis:No, he doesn't.

Charlie:Well, goddamn it, he did.

Dennis:I did. It's gone now.

Dee:You... ditched me?

Dennis:Oh, shut up, Dee. Shut up! God, don't make this all about you.

Dennis:Frank! Text...

Charlie:Frank! What? Text us! Text us! Text us when Frank gets here! I can't... I can't... You know what? I can't... Let me just... I'm-a... Text 'em now. I'm gonna text y... Check your phone! I'm gonna text you!

Charlie:Yeah, but that's, like, a sexual thing, man. That means you're thirsting for something, which means you're horny for it.

Dennis:He's stuck behind a woman driver and he wants to shoot himself.

Mac:Well, first of all, smarty-pants, they don't chirp. They chirrup.

Charlie:You keep sending updates with no new information.

Mac:No, no, I'm just keeping the whole group updated the way a meerkat might.

Mac:Well, did you know that the alpha pair will scent-mark the subordinate to show that it's the leader? If they find the weak one, they start pissing all over it.

Mac:I also drank a case of beer, and I didn't piss myself.

Dennis:A peach is a butt. You're horny for a butt.

Mac:I'm-I'm horny for a butt?

Charlie:'Cause you're gay.

Frank:Sorry I'm late. I had... had to get a bag of bananas so I could taunt the gorilla.

Dennis:You know, speed's very important in comedy texting, Dee. If it looks like you thought about it for a while, it's pretty lame.

Mac:So it's like he's thirsty for a fist in the butt.

Dennis:I don't think anybody's gonna get that.

Mac:You know? Plus, the moment is long gone.

Dee:It was a goat, and it was a lunatic. Its eyes were going in every direction.

Dennis:Oh, were they? Fascinating. Tell me more!

Dee:He pounced on me, and then all of his friends moved in for the kill.

Dennis:Ooh! Terrifying. Ooh!

that he's already given the information and he doesn't want to have to repeat himself.

So you got to scroll up and see.

So, what...

Scroll up.

Scroll up.

Dennis hates to repeat himself.

No, it's all...

Yeah, it's all caps.

It's all caps.

Screaming?

Yeah.

That's not good.

That's...

Mac:How about that with the eggplant?

Charlie:Oh. Ooh. We're coming.

Mac:All right, let's go.

All right, let's go.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. 'We're coming.' Charlie made it work.

Dennis:No, but nobody does it that way. The five minutes means 20 minutes, man. You can't... It's the whole reason I'm here!

Mac:What rhymes with 'limber'? What rhymes with it?

Charlie:Hinder.

Mac:How do you not get 'timber'?

Charlie:Timber.

'K.'

You're dead to him.

Yeah, he's blowing you off, man.

'K' means 'okay.'

He is pissed, dude.

'K.'

Yeah.

He is...

'K' means 'okay.'

No.

He didn't even bother to read your thing! He just sent 'K.'

Dee:I called him the 'F' word. It's a bundle of sticks.

Frank:Well, it works on two levels, Dee. It-it says that, uh, Frank's on fire and also that, uh, Mac is a raging flamer, which is still totally acceptable, for now.

Dee:I'm joking that maybe we should get the Jew lawyer and have an arbitration about what words we can and can't use to describe Mac's sexuality.

Mac:It's a gay thing, so you really wouldn't understand. Yeah, you know, it's, like, bathrooms at zoos are, like, big Grindr spots for closeted dads.

Frank:I sit there, eat a banana real slow, and he comes up to the glass, and he's banging on the glass like the dumb ape he is. It will bang its hands bloody trying to get the banana.

Charlie:What about the needs of the group, Mac?

Mac:I'm gonna meet the needs of the group, Charlie, after that, but I just feel like... Are you... are you pissing on me?!

Charlie:Yeah.

Mac:A goat is to be sacrificed. I heard an employee in here. He was talking about it. Now, I offered to blow him, but he was like, 'Nah, I'm...' - Goat?

Dennis:Are you pissing on me?

Mac:Yeah.

Dennis:When is the goat going to be fed to the lion?

Zoo Employee:Uh, my friend engaged in a sexual exchange for information and was told there was going to be a sacrifice.

Mac:Well, he tried but I said no.

Dennis:When is the goat to be slaughtered?

Dennis:When is the goat going to be fed to the lion?

Mac:My friend engaged in a sexual exchange for information and was told there was going to be a sacrifice.

Zoo Employee:This is the-the petting zoo. We're feeding the goats. We're not slaughtering them.

Dee:No, get away from me. / No. God, please help me!

Mac:I-I felt connected to you for the first time today.

Charlie:Yeah, see, that's what it's all about.

Charlie:You know what I mean?

I knew what you were saying by the looks on your faces. / that smile said a thousand words, you know? It was like, 'I told you so,' but also, 'I forgive you.'

Dennis:Like, even though we were texting all day and we were in constant communication, I don't really think we were communicating at all.

Dennis:Oh, Frank is pissing on Mac. Very good.

Charlie:Yeah.

Frank:Yes, I am.

Oh, he is!

He is for real.

Nice one.

Yeah.

Frank:Yes, I am.