Frank Shoots Every Member of the Gang

Frank, would you like another buttered nipple?

Frank:No. The cream is making me gassy.

Frank:This is your annual 'take me out and see if you can talk me into giving you more of my money.'

Frank:I brought my own can of anchovies because the fish in this place is not salty enough.

I think we do a pretty good job of pretending like you're not an animal.

Is that thing loaded, by the way?

Frank:Nah, it's not loaded.

You shot us! You shot us! I'm shot in the face!

Frank:Don't be so dramatic. I just nicked you. It's not like anybody's in any real danger.

Frank shot us. He shot us in the face. We barely survived.

Charlie:Awesome!

Charlie:Oh, sorry. You came in all excited. I thought you were bragging.

Charlie:Getting shot in the face and surviving is pretty cool.

Dee:I don't even care about the money anymore.

Mac:Oh, yeah, no, no, neither do I.

Dee:I don't give a shit about the money.

Mac:Oh, yeah. I do care about the money, though.

Dee:Yeah, no, so do I. Absolutely.

Mac:It's the only thing I care about.

I'm worried he's gonna kill himself with that gun before he gets old and senile enough to rewrite us into the will.

We need him to live long enough so he can become fully demented.

Of course you don't care, Charlie, because your dad didn't have anything to pass down to you.

Charlie:No, that's true, but my mom does.

Charlie:On my mom's family side, I got a huge inheritance coming my way.

Wait, what? How did I not know this? You're gonna be rich?

Charlie:Yeah. Totally. Yeah.

Well, uh, rich in history and legacy and, uh... teeth, of course.

Charlie:Everyone on my mom's side of the family, going back to the Niña and the Pinta and the, uh, Santa Margherita, um, they've all been putting their teeth into a jar when they die.

Charlie:Frank's gun is a big piece of who he is, right? That's his legacy. That's his history. That's like my jar of teeth.

Mac:Charlie, I got some bad news for you, bud.

Charlie:What?

Mac:You turned 40 a long time ago.

Charlie:Hey, Ma, did you realize I was over 40?

Mrs. Kelly:You are?

Mac:Do we have any kind of, like, family heirlooms or anything?

Mrs. Mac:No.

Mac:Like, anything of value that our family owned at some point?

Mrs. Mac:No.

Mac:What if it's just, like, sentimental? Just, like, proof that we existed?

Mrs. Mac:Nope.

Mac:Those letters exist? Well, well, who's got them?

Mrs. Mac:Donald.

Mac:Donald? Donald who?

Mrs. Mac:Oh... Duck.

Mac:My mom's making a joke. She's-she's really funny. She's got a great sense of humor. Right, Mom?

Mrs. Mac:Yeah.

Charlie:Donald McDonald?

Mac:Yeah.

Charlie:Ronald McDonald.

Mac:Donald McDonald.

Did she try to pull out her own teeth?

Did you just try to pull out your own teeth?

She clearly did.

I can see the pliers.

Mrs. Kelly:I didn't have the heart to tell you, I gave away the jar.

Charlie:You gave away the jar of teeth? To who?

Mrs. Kelly:Your sisters.

Charlie:To my sisters? Those ungrateful bitches.

Charlie:They moved all the way up to northern New Jersey. They're terrible to you. I'm the one who stayed. I'm the one who takes care of you.

Dee:Frank, could you stop scratching yourself with the gun, please?

Frank:I'm itchy, I'm itchy.

Frank:I was rolling around in the grass because I was itchy. The itch came first.

Dee:He'd mow us down like Scarface. We can't come at him like that. We'll spook him.

Dee:You don't tell a dog you're taking him to a vet to put him down. You give that dog the best day of his life, and then you turn out the lights when he least suspects it.

Charlie:Why is your mom driving my mom's car?

Mac:I don't know. Dude, they got some weird arrangement worked out so your mom can focus on smoking.

Dee:Mrs. Mac, do you mind, like, cracking a window or something?

Mrs. Mac:No.

Dee:Why not?

Mrs. Mac:'Cause it's too drafty. It's unhealthy.

Mac:Sorry, my mom's on a new health kick.

Mac:Hey, Mom, it's working. You look great.

Mrs. Mac:Shut up.

Dee:Why are you going so slow?

Mrs. Kelly:Well, highways are scary.

Dee:You're going 35.

Mac:My mom's finger is up, which means 'no talking'. She's annoyed. It's best if we just keep it down until the finger goes down, otherwise, she might burn us with the cigarette lighter.

Dee:Donald McDonald of Hamburger, New Jersey?

Mac:Hamburg.

Dee:A bunch of old letters that weren't even written to you? That's not a legacy, it's a bunch of meaningless shit.

Charlie:Not as meaningless as a jar full of teeth.

Charlie:Sorry, Mom, sorry, Mom.

Charlie:Sorry, Mom. I didn't see the finger.

Mac:No, her hand was not in the air that time.

Charlie:She burnt the shit out of me.

Frank:I almost ate my gun. I dipped it in the ketchup. Thought it was a french fry.

Did you just slam your head into the window?

Frank:Yeah, I didn't realize it was up.

Well, were you gonna dive out of it?

Frank:Yeah, I was very excited.

Dee:Oh, he's pissing on another hydrant. Okay. He's literally turning into a dog.

Mac:You've been wiping with paper towels?

Donald:I hope everyone brought their appetite because I made quiche.

Mac:Grandpop didn't write to you?

Donald:He-he liked your dad, uh, more. / Uh, you know, I was the, um, you know, 'funny' one, you know. / It's the reason I never got married.

Mac:I'm sure you can understand what that feels like, Ronald.

Donald:No.

Mac:She's smashing.

Charlie:Yeah, she took off, man.

Donald:We could throw the old football around.

Mac:Ah, I don't really like playing football. It's kind of for jocks.

Donald:Uh, we could read.

Charlie:Oh, but, like, he can't read.

Donald:Imagine that.

Charlie:He can't read, so...

Reading is for nerds, so...

Cards?

Mac:The thing about cards is, like, with the... the jacks and the queens and the kings and, like, I don't like celebrating royalty.

Frank:Take that you, cesspool. Polluted sack of shit.

Dee:We gave him a good day.

Mac:For him.

Dee:Not for a normal person.

Frank:I thought it was a cash grab at first, but I see where you're going. The hamburger, playing with Duncan under the bridge, and now the beach. A perfect day can't last forever.

Frank:And it's really good you didn't do it in front of Charlie. That was a class move.

Frank:I'm gonna go natural, because I've seen too many guys die and take a shit in their pants. I don't want that. And bury my poop. Or just kick some sand over it.

You just told us to shoot you in the back!

Frank:That's different. It's not the same thing.

Mac:Why'd you bring Dirt Grub?

Charlie:Oh, yeah, hi. Nice to see you, too.

Mac:Shut up, fag!

Why'd you bring your fag friend?

ASMR, dickweed.

Yeah. ASMR.

What is that? What even is that?

We stick our hands in the jar. People pay to watch us stick our hand in the jar. They like the noise of the teeth.

Mac:All you're doing is sticking your hands in teeth and people pay you enough to live like this?

Sisters:We obviously take our tops off. Like...

Mac:Obviously.

Mrs. Kelly:I clogged the toilet.

What the hell? Gross.

Who is this old lady clogging our toilet?

Mac:That's my mommy.

If there was no TP, what did you wipe with?

Mrs. Kelly:The letters.

You wiped your butt with the letters that Grandpop sent Dad and then flushed them down the toilet?

Mrs. Kelly:Yeah.

Charlie:This is gonna be the new Kelly family heirloom, and I'm gonna put all my teeth in it and all of Mom's teeth in it and none of yours.

Charlie:You sure you don't want to pop a couple in? You know, you can be a part of my legacy, dude. I feel like you should be.

Frank:Yeah. There. Take that, lock.

Oh, what the hell, man?

And the door wasn't even locked.

Dee:You know what our legacy is? Spending our lives in this goddamn bar with a lunatic man who acts like a dog and handles his gun like a maniac!

Frank:If you're gonna be crybabies about it, all right, take my gun.

Dee:Ow! Ow!

Shit!

Frank:Shit.

Frank:Well, there you have it, Frank. You've officially shot everyone in the bar.