Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City

There's a masturbating bum in the alley. He's masturbating.

Yes. I saw that guy's wiener.

He's gonna rip it off one of these days. It's disgusting.

We should get a junkyard dog. A really mean, nasty junkyard dog. We'll chain him up in the alley.

Now, I like to cut my sleeves off. It's kind of my look. So I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us, or I'm left to my own devices.

Yeah. Will you be providing the weapons?

Oh! I get it. Okay. We go buy the weapons. We tell you how much we spent, and you reimburse us. Great.

It doesn't work like that. You gotta give him a receipt.

I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.

If something happens to the weapons, I'm shit out of luck?

The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless... and you people are counting on the police?

Dee, get my coat.

We don't have no dogs. What... I'm sorry. Is this not a junkyard? You don't have a dog?

It was born in a pool of gasoline, on a piece of rusty scrap metal. I've seen that cat jump through barbed wire... into a vat of hot tar. That cat... Is indestructible.

We'll take it. And throw in that cat.

Make 'er sing.

We look so stupid.

The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit... when they cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1970s. We look like Rerun.

You know what I hear when you talk like that? A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her.

Fear is power, Dee. Don't you get that? It's like a drug. Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough.

You know what, asshole? You like that, bitch? Huh? I am not your little pinup girl... for you to tug your rotten pecker at! Go on, get out of here.

You're one crazy bitch. I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

You didn't get me one? You guys know how I love dressing up in costumes. Dude, that's bullshit.

Plus we need room for Agent Bauer.

It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat. He has a name... Agent Jack Bauer.

You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat. Yeah, dude. Then you can wear all the disguises you want.

Say, what'd this guy do? We caught him diddling kids over at a playground. Yeah, he's a perv. We're gonna bust him up good.

These uniforms are gonna pay for themselves 10 times over.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico. I'm gonna be Al Pacino... Nobody cares. Get in there. You're gonna ruin it.

You like just crossin' the street whenever you want, makin' up your own laws? I'm sorry... You ought to be sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy. You gonna give me a ticket? That depends on how much money you got in your wallet.

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.

Look, guys, we're cops. All right? We're not out here to bribe people. Will you stop doing that stupid voice? What are you doin'? I told you I was gonna do Pacino.

Oh, you're gonna do Christopher Walken now? I'm not doing Christopher Walken. I'm walking from the situation.

It just hurts my feelings, because we are sticking our necks out for you guys... and, frankly, doing your job better than you are.

These two Guardian Angels would love to help you clean up your beat.

Oh, thank God we found you. We are in a very rough neighborhood, and we are lost. Could you please direct us to the nearest bus stop?

So I'll have five hot dogs. I want you to mash one of' em up in a bowl. Put some milk or some water, you know? Mash it up nice and good, but, you know, four regulars, five hot dogs altogether.

Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but no more free hot dogs. I mean, look, maybe if it was just you I could swing it... but it's you, your partner, and now I'm feedin' your cat?

Your days as a cop of this town are over. You and that mangy cat. This is a stinkin', dirty hellhole of a town. And I'm gonna clean it up.

I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week. We will jam and jam and jam until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam.

Stop playing with your stupid tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms. That's not a... Charlie, clean the bathroom.

Spin Doctors mix? I taped over the Spin Doctors mix.

Oh, I get it. You're one of them, huh? A crooked cop. Yeah, I get it! Everybody's a crooked cop, huh? Am I the only cop left in Philadelphia who ain't crooked?

Oh, I see what's happening. You wanna come at Serpico, huh? Who wants a place of Serpico? 'Cause I'll give It to you.

That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail.

We were supposed to be cops. We were supposed to care about justice, and it got to your head.

I doused the whole car full of gasoline.

Goddamn It, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Okay, Mr. Mayor. Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.