The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

So how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you?

Charlie:Oh, a lot, dude.

Charlie:You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Cafe. You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.

Dennis:Seriously, this chick is so in love with me it's crazy.

Caleigh:Hi, Dennis, it's Caleigh. I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die! You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself. I never ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit! Go to hell!

Mac:Bro, that's amazing. That's the best one yet.

Dee:She hates your guts.

Dennis:Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.

Dennis:Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.

Dennis:I'm talking about the DENNIS System.

Dennis:See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.

Dee:A playboy? Is that how you see yourself?

Dennis:Yes.

Dennis:I told her, 'It's for my grandmother; she's quite ill,' thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and all-around great guy.

Dee:You're forging prescriptions now?

Frank:I would have gone in and bought a box of Magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.

Dennis:Right. That comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

Dennis:Now if you want to have a Magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay, that's a different story.

Dennis:I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money.

Dennis:I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations. That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive. And then we get to the restaurant; the restaurant is closed, as of course, it always is on Sundays.

Dee:Oh, you're a part of this?

Dennis:Oh, yeah, Mac has a very special place in my system.

Mac:I can't go into my room because I found a black widow spider in there.

Mac:And then Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so they can get to know each other more better.

Dennis:And once we're on my bed, it is game over. I engage her physically, and the sexual waltz begins.

Mac:The pizza's good.

Dennis:You're the one that's good.

Dennis:Have her car towed. Or you can slash her tires. Either way, make her depend on you for rides.

Dennis:Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him.

Dennis:I'm watching you, you bitch! You're gonna die tonight!

Dee:Oh, for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!

Dennis:Don't interrupt, okay?

Dennis:Welcome to hell!

Dennis:Caleigh, listen, listen, wait. I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because I was afraid you that were gonna break my heart, and I got scared. But I'm not scared anymore, baby. I love you. I need you.

Dennis:And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her. You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.

Dennis:And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.

Dennis:Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.

Mac:Yeah, Dee, you just don't get it, okay? This is what men do!

Yeah.

This is what men do!

This is men stuff!

Yeah!

Men stuff!

Mac:She don't have a boyfriend!

Dee:Yes, I do. Ben-- you know, the online soldier that I met. We're back together now, so...

Dee:He's in the car right now. I told him to wait for me.

Dennis:So, wait, your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun?

Dee:Yeah, I just told him to wait for me.

Dee:He kind of just does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up?

I know, the engine's not even on

That's just cruel.

I didn't. I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down.

Dee:He's not, you know, the smartest, but...

Hey, guys.

Dee:Hey, Dee.

I didn't see you there.

Are you almost done?

Dee:No! No, I don't, no. You just, you just stay where you are and... You know what, I'll text you when I'm wrapping up, and then you can crank the A.C., cool the car off for me.

Dennis:Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big-time.

Dee:He's not doing...

Mac:Big-time!

Dee:...anything.

Caleigh:I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis.

Caleigh:Uh, yeah, I looked into it; there's no, um, uh, Dr. Toboggan in Philadelphia either.

Dennis:What? No, dude. I'm trying to re-DENNIS this chick, so I can shove it in Dee's face.

Mac:What, uh, what is this swooping in business?

Mac:Oh, that's my system-- the MAC. 'Move in After Completion.'

Mac:I wait till you're done with them, and then I swoop in, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.

Dennis:Oh, you've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?

Mac:Oh, yeah, dude. I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?

Dennis:I thought you were just my wingman though.

Mac:No, no, I'm swimming in your wake.

Dennis:What are you doing here?

Frank:What do you mean? I'm here for the scraps.

Frank:I got my Magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

Charlie:You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. / It's amazing.

Frank:Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.

Mac:It's a delicate ecosystem. We got to... we got to stick with it.

Charlie:I broke into her place. I ripped her sink apart. I brought a bag of hair.

Dennis:Do you know anything about plumbing?

Charlie:Uh, no.

Charlie:Maybe it's just over my head, this system.

Charlie:You know, maybe I should just stick to stalking.

Dennis:No.

Charlie:Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair. It could be fun to stalk her at a fair.

Dennis:What's happening is we're at the fair, Gladys, and you're going to act like my grandma, okay?

Gladys:My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

Dennis:I don't give a shit. Look, paying you not to talk, all right?

Waitress:There are no prizes, Charlie. It's just to see, 'How fast can you throw?'

Charlie:Oh, well, then, I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?

Waitress:You know this game is for children, right?

Gladys:My grandmother was a lesbian.

My grandmother was a lesbian.

Frank:You look like a lizard.

Ben:I like turtles.

Frank:Dr. Toboggan. Nice to meet you.

Dennis:Frank, what the hell are you doing?

Frank:Uh, actually, it's Mantis. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

Frank:I got your test results. You're positive. / You got the HIV. / Yes, AIDS, big-time.

Frank:Did you see her face? Look at her. Look at her. I'm breaking her down. I'm making her feel worthless.

Charlie:Ow! Ow!

Dee:Oh, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key! Someone! Someone call a doctor!

Dee:You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you.

Carny:That guy paid me to.

Dee:You want to have me stabbed?

Dennis:I was going to protect you from the stabbing.

Dee:Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Charlie:You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and then, as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you.

Dennis:Are you telling me you had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here?

Ben:I'm a lizard.

Frank:Ooh. I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.

Ben:Dee, I don't like you.

Dee:Well, how is that possible?

Ben:You're a mean person.

Dennis:Ben's the only one who's using it properly. Ben, please explain how the system works.

Ben:I don't know what you're talking about.

Waitress:System, my ass. I hate carnivals. I need a ride.

Waitress:System, my ass. I hate carnivals.