The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention

i don't understand why you don't just use a cup.

Frank:i'm trying to be inconspicuous.

inconspicuous? your entire mouth is stained red, frank.

you're wearing a shirt that's on inside out, and it's covered in grease.

Frank:it's not grease; it's sap.

sap? how did you get covered in sap?

Frank:i got really wasted. i must have climbed a tree.

i feel like you've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a while now. i say hop off. let's see where you land.

i thought we were going to a barbecue, frank.

Frank:it's more of a party in the park. we're at a cemetery. the party is in the cemetery.

who has a party in a cemetery?

Frank:your uncle max. he just croaked. flush that turd down the drain!

what are we doing here, frank? what's your angle?

Frank:i want to bang your aunt donna.

Frank:i don't know how many years on this earth i got left. i'm gonna get real weird with it.

Frank:meanwhile, block the wind. i'm gonna roast this bone.

gail the snail is the garbage pail cousin.

oh, charlie, she is the worst.

the only way to get rid of her was to torch her, and that's what we did. yeah, we'd throw her in the dryer; we'd throw salt on her.

you throw salt on a snail and... it's supposed to shrivel up.

what kind of person salts another human being? it's terrible. there's no joy in salting someone; everyone loses.

Gail:i'm not a virgin anymore.

Unknown:cool. thank you.

we're at your dad's funeral, gail.

Gail:whatevs. i'm over it.

see? that's what happens when you don't have salt. my god, there's not enough salt in the world for her.

Frank:i have a proposition for you. i think you and me ought to bang.

Frank:max never liked me; i hated him. barbara didn't like you. you despised her! now what better way to get back at them in the grave-- really stick it to 'em-- if you and me plowed?

Mac:hey, i'm mac. barbara's ex-lover? she may have mentioned. you were gonna say something?

Unknown:no.

Mac:you said...

Unknown:no?

Unknown:no, i was just breathing.

Charlie:but if i'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact that he's drinking more that he's doing it without me. and then i start thinking, 'what's wrong with me? am i not fun to drink with?'

Mac:well, frank's usually carrying, like, a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.

Charlie:if we maybe ambush frank with a net or some kind of, like, rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist belt.

Therapist:you're drinking wine out of a soda can.

Charlie:yeah.

Therapist:oh, you put wine in the soda can you didn't know, did you?

Charlie:

Mac:stole frank's idea. yeah, yeah, yeah. it actually is a pretty good one. i mean, the guy's got great ideas. he's a smart man.

but i do feel like she just tried an intervention on us. did you intervene on us? is that what that was?

Dennis:i feel like you've lost control of the room here and really we're the ones that are running things now.

Frank:where did you come from?

Mac:i've been walking next to you the entire time.

Mac:i think you should bang gail the snail.

Frank:my niece?

Mac:yeah.

Frank:gail the snail?

Mac:yeah, dude. what's more depraved than that, huh?

Frank:what's in it for you? jesus. what's in it for you?

Mac:don't worry about what's in it for me, dude.

Frank:my god, you are disgusting. a disgusting animal.

Charlie:when was the last time we played 'nightcrawlers' together, frank?

Charlie:what is that?

Mac:well... it's not about you.

Charlie:why don't you just write it down?

Mac:yeah, but you said it. you said 'nightcrawlers,' and now i feel like i can't move past it.

Mac:what it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms in the night. that's what it sounds like.

Dennis:i am loving this canned wine thing. i think it's brilliant. right? i mean, i'm active, i'm gesturing with my hands, and i don't feel restricted.

Mac:i'm starting to think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.

Frank:we did a bunch of those monster energy drinks and dry-humped. it was awful. i think she gave me poison ivy.

Gail:kick, yes. kick in, no. that door is solid, which is the good news. the bad news is the window is not.

Gail:i'm giving frank a handy under the table. that is true.

Frank:look, snail, back off because you're just mashing it now.

Donna:you're 33 years old. you're supposed to be sexually active. you're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under a table.

Mac:we told him there was a giant grease fire and he had to come down immediately.

Frank:where's the goddamn fire?

intervention!

you're surrounded, frank.

there's nowhere for you to go.

you're trapped.

Frank:a roast? i've always wanted to be roasted. oh, wait, let me just switch gears here. fire up this spliff.

Frank:she ain't funny. next.

Mac:it's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.

Charlie:i never said that.

Uncle Max's Friend:you banged my dead wife?

Frank:well, she was alive at the time. did you not know that?

Gail:salt the snail. you salt her. wait, wait. you guys want to go? no, no! wait. i have glow sticks. go, go!

Mac:nobody likes salting a snail, but she gives you no choice. she doesn't leave you with any options.

Dennis:well, we did all the work, didn't we?

Mac:we did.

Dennis:so we can't really pay you 'cause of that.