The World Series Defense

Dennis:Yes, lady madam of the court, I do believe that this court will realize that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused each and every one of us great physical and emotional trauma.

Dennis:The Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series, your honor.

And let the record show... that we are waiving our right to... an attorney.

Charlie:Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!

Charlie:I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol. Grain alcohol, baby. Whenever there's a potential riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.

Frank:Put some of that on my bug bites.

Mac:Some guy brought 'em from Haiti.

Dee:World Series, bitches! What is up?! Whoomp, there it is!

Mac:when the Phillies are up by, like, 50 or 60 runs

Charlie:And I'm gonna toss out Green man and run around the field and go crazy as Green man...

Charlie:He's got a stranglehold on the Phillie mascot scene, it's not fair.

Mac:Nah, I feel like there's only room for one green idiot running around making an asshole of himself.

Frank:Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no, they're fumigating the building for bedbugs!

Frank:I can't read every flyer that gets slipped under the door!

Mac:I'll have to scale the building, cut a hole in the tent, smash through the window. That'll cut down on occupancy time.

Dee:You are not capable of doing that.

Charlie:One, we can take the secret tunnel that goes from the Holiday Inn into the stadium...

Charlie:We're passionate fans; we gotta hammer someone.

Charlie:You're gonna do this, okay? One, you jump in front of a car coming to the stadium. Two, you say, 'I'm gonna sue you if you don't give me tickets.'

Charlie:Well, no, I've done too many, man. I mean, the next one could be my last, bro.

Mac:Your honor, so my friend here pushed me in front of a moving car. No big deal.

Dennis:Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times and dire actions were needed to get those tickets.

Dennis:Your honor, let the record show that the three of us do not condone the actions of the two of them.

Dennis:Are you sure? 'Cause she's not typing very quickly.

Dennis:I don't appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

Charlie:I found this garden hose, right? I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building. And breathe into it like a scuba diver.

Mac:If it's me I'd go Chase Utley, 100% of the time. He's a power hitting second baseman, Dee. Do you know how rare that is in the National League?

Mac:I have a plan, all right? And it involves you getting this letter to him. When you get out to kiss him.

Dee:Dear Chase... Oh shit, there are stickers!

Mac:Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike.

Mac:I love your hair, you run fast.

Mac:Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither.

Mac:I am sure our relationship will be a real Home Run.

The guy is like five years younger than you, you know that, right?

Frank:Leave me here to die!

Frank:The bastards took them.

Mac:Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch! I might be bleeding internally.

Charlie:I'm trying to have a conversation. You're belly bumping me, all right?

Charlie:Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask, I feel like you're big-leaguing me, dude.

Dennis:Yeah, but you only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.

Dennis:You're totally arm-heavy. You're all bis and tris and everything else is just fat and... and ribs.

Dennis:And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

Judge:Stop handing me papers.

Charlie:Yeah, they want you to think it's a linen closet, Frank.

Charlie:Cause in Scooby Doo, secret tunnels are always behind shelves.

Frank:Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby Doo?

Dennis:I just added that last part to the end there to spice the story up 'cause, for being honest, it can't seem like you were losing it for a bit.

Dennis:But the point is, we did get stuck in that linen closet for six days.

Charlie:Yeah, how does a hotel not run out of towels for six days?

Dennis:Let the record show that we question that hotel's sanitation procedures.

Charlie:I'm calling kangaroo court on this court. A kangaroo court. It's a kangaroo court.

Charlie:Charlie Kelly versus the Major League Baseball and the Phillie Frenetic.

Charlie:His name's the Phanatic, but, you know, I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball if I call him the Phanatic.

Charlie:Can we talk about steroids?! Can we talk about steroid abuse?! It's bullshit! It's ruining the game! It's ruining it!