Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

Charlie:Hello. Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast.

Charlie:Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?

Charlie:Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there's no answer? You're so stupid!

Charlie:I couldn't hear anything.

Charlie:Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between?

Charlie:Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten. Mee-ow!

Charlie:Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten.

Charlie:I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound of, like, a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in.

Dennis:What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar?

Charlie:Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome.

Mac:We could do T-shirts. We could do beach towels, those nudie pens.

We got you to sign that contract so we could pay you less than minimum wage.

Dee:Oh! You son of a bitch! That doesn't nullify it, you know?

Dee:I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract!

Dennis:He just did eat it.

Dennis:You don't have a leg to stand on.

Dennis:Kitten Mittens? No, idiot. Merchandising in the bar.

Frank:I've never been to Fiji.

Frank:How about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's Bar? Green eggs. Says 'Paddy's' on them. You keep them on your desk when you go to work.

Frank:Then you put it on your dashboard of your car.

I don't get it?

You don't get it!

I don't get it?

You don't get it!

Oh, yeah?

We'll see who doesn't get it!

Charlie:That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it. And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him.

Charlie:I was not participating in that conversation, 'cause I don't find her lovely. I think you're better than that. I think you can do better than that. And I mean that as a compliment.

Lawyer:I do charge. Okay? You don't pay.

Charlie:We're both men of the law. You know? We get after it. You know? We jabber-jaw. We go tit for tat.

Charlie:Then I'll just regress, 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant.

Charlie:the heretofore document had- had dry ink on it for at least many 'forknights,'

Secretary:But they locked me in a closet.

Mac:Let me show you mine, then you can go first. Then I'd be going second.

Mac:Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong!

Dennis:You're wearing women's underwear?

Mac:Yeah, bro! You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.

Mac:What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong riding high up a woman's backside? Nothing.

Mac:I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on.

Mac:You drew a men's buttocks on a towel.

Dennis:Oh, it's a baby dick.

Mac:Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

Dennis:We'll do black ones and yellow ones for the Asians.

Mac:Oh, it's a baby dick.

Dennis:Yeah!

Mac:We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

Frank:Open your mouth, bitch. Prepare to be blasted, bitch!

Frank:It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth!

Dee:You threw tequila in my eye!

Frank:Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.

Frank:Paddy's Pub stress ball. You give this to people. They put it on their desk.

Dennis:Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg!

Charlie:The woman in the room right next to him... she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

Charlie:she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

Mac:We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies.

Charlie:We were staking you out last night- kinda spying on you. It got a little cold. It dropped down, right? So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here.

Charlie:Because you're having an affair, and we're gonna blackmail you for your services.

Lawyer:my wife is leaving me. And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel.

Lawyer:my wife is leaving me. And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel.

Mac:You just cannot blast water out of a gun. The technology is just not there.

Dennis:You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth. You want to taste the metal. You want to feel the steel, man

Mac:eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit. Ripping it apart and eating it

Dennis:We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea.

Mac:Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe. Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood. Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by GoBots.

Charlie:Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found.

Frank:I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping, and I ease into her real nice.

Frank:I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps.

Dee:This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.

Mac:That never happened.

Dee:It happened!

Mac:I'll just eat the contract later.

Dennis:How did you get that much propulsion on the gun?

Frank:I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

Mac:Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

Secretary:So sorry, sir. They duct-taped me to the bathroom sink.

Dennis:Awesome! I'm wasted!

Mac:People love stupid shit!

Mac:Why do you keep calling it stupid though?

Lawyer:The contract that you all blindly signed grants me 100% of the profits from any merchandising opportunities

Charlie:Well, that's what the hooker was for!

Lawyer:the contract that you all signed also included a restraining order? Which you're all currently violating.

Charlie:It's still new enough to be edible. That's an edible contract!

Lawyer:You know, fortunately, I made hundreds of copies of that.

Mac:You can probably stop eating that now.