Charlie's Mom Has Cancer

Charlie:We don't talk, and it's good that way.

Mac:Ooh, talky, talky, talky, talky, talky.

Charlie's Mom:Um, I have cancer.

Charlie:Yeah, but I got to... I'm sorry. What?

Charlie:But how? You don't even smoke.

Dee:How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?

Frank:Three.

Dee:Hmm?

Frank:Four.

Frank:The point is my mind is as sharp as a... what do you call it? Um, it's a... Knife? No, uh, what you put... What you... What you...

That didn't sound very genuine.

No. Sorry.

What was I supposed to do?

Mac:I think the cancer thing, for whatever reason, is just not... You know, it's just not grabbing me right now.

Charlie:My mom is dying!

Mac:Okay, calm down, calm down.

Charlie:My mom has a doctor that can cure the cancer for 4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

Frank:Thumbtack.

What?

Frank:Thumbtack. We were talking about things that earlier that were sharp, and a thumbtack is sharp.

Mac:Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

Charlie:He lives in a garage?

Dr. Jinx:When most people think of a doctor, they don't think of a black man living in a garage surrounded by houseplants.

Mac:I normally think Asian.

Dennis:Yeah, or I think of an Indian guy.

Charlie:Or white.

Middle Eastern. Pretty much anything other than black.

Dr. Jinx:Well, that's not eczema. What you have there, my friend, that's sailor's rot.

Dr. Jinx:When was the last time you've been to Haiti?

Mac:Never. I've never been to... I've been to Kensington.

Dennis:Do you have anything from the Mother Earth that would be sprayed on me and cause me to have feelings again 'cause I'm having trouble feeling things.

Mac:I think he sprayed me with Miracle-Gro.

Charlie:Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

Mac:This is a scam, okay? This is a scam. It's kneeling, standing, getting people all confused.

Psychic John:I'm getting a Fa... No, I'm getting a Ba... No, I'm getting a Da... Dennis?

Dee:Dennis!

Psychic John:Is it?

Dee:Yes, yeah, no, I'm seeing that.

Frank:Ha-- I was just out buying new shoes and I remembered I didn't want to give you that hundred bucks.

Psychic John:Yeah, and then you called me and you said you changed your mind and you'd like to give me another hundred, so where is it?

Frank:I did?

Psychic John:Yeah.

Frank:Ah, shit.

Psychic John:You have a pork chop bone in your left pocket; you have 57 cents in your right, and you clipped someone's side mirror while parking in a handicap spot.

Frank:Can you conjure the dead? Can you get my dead whore wife back here so I can lay into her from the other side?

Psychic John:I am feeling as if she is still living somewhere in the city with a small Mexican dog.

Dennis:You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers, and then you proceed to just eat the man?

Charlie:Hey, guys, look at this. My rash is almost completely cleared up.

Dennis:Oh, my God.

Mac:Whoa.

Charlie:Yeah, look at that. Whatever he sprayed on me worked.

Priest:Charlie, my mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?

Charlie:No, no, no, no, don't give me this act.

Priest:Charlie, calm down.

Charlie:No, no, no, why don't you give us some money, okay?

Mac:It's the Holy Trinity: beef and beer and Jesus.

Charlie:Aw, there's a dead dog in there!

Mac:Gross!

Frank:That's not a dog. That's my toupee, my blond toupee. I used to wear this in Miami.

Mac:Padre! So good to see you. So good of you to come.

Priest:Oh... Yeah, right on, right on.

Mac:Well, it's for a good cause, isn't it? So... have some beef, have some beer. And if you feel the calling, you know, go ahead and pop that ring in the donation bucket. Although I know you won't.

Charlie:Mom, you want people to feel sorry for you, right? Then they give a lot of money. And you just don't look that sick. You gotta look sicker.

Charlie's Mom:But I feel like it's lying.

Dennis:Oh, it's not lying, Mrs. Kelly, because you are dying of cancer.

Charlie:Yeah.

Dennis:It's devouring your insides.

Dennis:It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters.

Dennis:Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter!

Charlie:Dennis, that was amazing, dude. I am so proud of you. You are feeling again.

Dennis:No. I meant none of it.

Charlie's Mom:As you know, I'm as sick as a three-legged dog on the streets of India.

Charlie's Mom:Any minute, my lungs are going to sizzle, pop, and disintegrate into a liquid lung and organ gumbo soup.

Charlie's Mom:Give me money. Money me. Money now. Me a money needing a lot now.

Charlie's Mom:We're the ones that broke the Virgin Mary statue.

Dr. Jinx:I never actually said I was a doctor.

Charlie:He is the goddamn church gardener.

Dr. Jinx:You had my back up against the wall, I had to spray you with a heavy dose of pesticide.

Mac:Dennis. Dennis!

Mom's alive. She faked her own death to steal Frank's money, and we think it's buried in her grave.

Charlie:Ah, shit! No! No! Mommy, Mommy!

Frank:Ah! I grifted ya!

Charlie:What are you talking about?

Frank:I paid off the psychic. I buried the money in the dog grave. My mommy, my mommy's a skeleton!

Charlie:You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it?

Frank:Score one for the old people. Ha ha!