The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

Dennis:It's not for you! It's for us!

Mac:Use gloves!

Dee:Use gloves.

Frank:we never get nominated for awards, okay? And we don't give a shit because they're stupid.

Dennis:Look, am I curious as to why we never get nominated? Sure, yeah. Do I care? Not in the slightest. No, I don't care about it, you know? I mean, all right, it is a little odd we've never been nominated.

Dennis:Whoa, okay, Frank. Now, if... if I do something, you better believe it's cool.

Charlie:Oh, is that your ass? Oh, closer to the hole, sir?

Dennis:You're really, like, driving this home, and it's upsetting, because, like, now I'm getting the neck thing. I feel... I feel... I'm getting upset.

Dennis:All right, fine, let's play the game. But I want to be very clear about something. This literally means nothing to me.

Charlie:Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face. He starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.

Mac:I stand for no one.

Association Rep:Please, it's not necessary. Have a seat.

You heard the man-- sit down.

Mac:Well, now I feel like standing.

Mac:But I don't want to stand through an entire meeting 'cause I don't know how long it's gonna last, so I'll sit down. It's my choice.

Frank:With much dignity and grace, we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award. Now, in the past, our group has not... paid you any attention, but now we are prepared to pay... you what you deserve... in attention, if you get my drift.

Association Rep:I don't.

Charlie:Ponder lettuce and shrimp.

Association Rep:Excuse me?

Mac:He's inviting you out to lunch, Bozo-- you gonna go or not, yes or no?

Dennis:I don't need this limpdick telling me whether my bar's cool, okay?

Association Rep:Ten dollars.

Frank:Huh?

Association Rep:The entry fee is ten dollars. All you have to do is fill out the-the paperwork.

Association Rep:Well, we've-we've actually s-sent you the form many times in the past, and as I recall, it always comes back covered in fecal matter, urine, and... racial slurs.

That's a joke.

Hey, you know, that's just, like, all in good fun, man. That's just our sense of humor-- you'll get us.

That wasn't meant for you, that was actually meant for you.

Yeah, that was meant for him.

We thought maybe you would think that was funny.

Charlie:We were vibrating, but maybe at a different frequency than that guy.

Mac:I like that.

Charlie:The Best Song Award.

Dennis:There is no Best Song Award. What are you talking about?

Charlie:Well, that's all the more reason to do a Best Song, right?

Frank:I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg.

Dee:Why would you give him an egg?

Frank:It's like a paperweight.

Greg:Some people say it's better than an orgasm.

Maxwell:Not that he's ever had one.

Greg:Oh! Okay, Maxwell, remind me to find a new best friend. Aw! Ee-aw!

Greg:Well, I think he should spend a little less time on his work and a little more time on you.

Amanda:Aw... Thanks. You're so sweet.

Dennis:What's with the, uh...? What's with the black friend that no one is acknowledging? Is black...? I feel like it's weird if you don't talk about that, you know?

Oh, drink up!

What the hell was that?

That's a Sudz alert. When we ring that bell, everybody's got to drink, right?

Dee:I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though, 'cause it seemed like fun.

Dennis:Well, now I feel left out.

Mac:Can we drink now?

Manager:There's a broken egg in here.

Frank:Oh, shit. That wasn't the hardboiled one. Hey, you want me to cook that up for you?

Dennis:It's growing on me, too. I-I like the chemistry that the staff has.

Dee:Oh, did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda?

Frank:Our secret's out, and it stinks. This manager's been to Paddy's, and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

Frank:This manager's been to Paddy's, and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

Dennis:So what? That's what we do. We yell at each other, and if people want to tune in and listen, then they're welcome to.

Dennis:But we are gonna do a will-they- or-won't-they thing between you and Mac.

Dee:Dee and I don't want to be together.

Dennis:No. But the customers want you to be together.

Dennis:men are intimidated by funny women, all right? So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

Dennis:The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

Charlie:Okay, see, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light to soften up all those features.

Dennis:Not that he's ever had one.

Mac:I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms! I've had one with your mom, dude! I will strangle you, I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

Dee:That's the punch line to Mac bang-banging our mom. She didn't, she didn't even notice.

Frank:There weren't a lot of people in there, but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

Is it us?

Ugh. No.

No, no, no, it can't be us.

Us?

No way. I highly doubt it's us.

Charlie:♪ Whoa, they say the ♪ ♪ world's your oyster ♪ ♪ Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me ♪

Charlie:I tried to go right down the middle, you know, of Middle America, Randy Newman...

Dennis:Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references, nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

Charlie:Are you locking me in here?!

Dennis:Yeah. Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

Dennis:We should have gotten a less intense black guy for diversity, but we don't have any in our roster. But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

Dennis:You got to be really careful about the ratio. We get too many black guys, people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

Mac:Black bars don't win awards.

Mac:Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

Customer:Excuse me?

Mac:Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.

Dennis:Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.

Mac:No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.

Dennis:Well, where do I jizz?

Mac:This guy doesn't know what he's got. He's really ugly, too.

Customer:I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Mac:Yeah. I said her boyfriend's ugly.

Mac:Don't talk shit about my mom!

Whoa.

Hey!

Customer:Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop-- what the hell's going on over here? That man is choking that woman.

Customer:Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

Dennis:Oh, uh, that-that's okay. That's just our janitor.

Charlie:You put, you put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

Dennis:Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay? Get higher if you want.

Mac:That's too many black guys, dude-- the ratio's off.

Dennis:Dennis, the ratio is off!

Frank:Put it in. Put the bottle in.

Artemis:Oh, my God. I did. Put it in.

Frank:Get the bottle out, get the bottle out!

Artemis:I'm trying! Don't judge me-- this is art.

Charlie:♪ There is a spider, ♪ ♪ spider, spider ♪ ♪ He's deep in my soul, soul ♪

Charlie:♪ Go fuck yourselves... ♪

Charlie:♪ Go fuck yourselves... ♪

Is he spitting?

Is he spitting?

Oh, he's spitting at them.

Is that the sign?

That's the sign.

Spit! Spit!

I mean, I guess it is us after all, you know? It's us.

All right, it's us.

Screw them, you know why?

'Cause I like us.

Dennis:I mean, I guess it is us after all, you know? It's us.

Mac:All right, it's us.

I really wanted an award, though.

I was dying for one.

Ah, it'd be so nice.

Would've meant a lot.