Leslie And Ron

I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.

Game of Thrones is on tonight. It's the series finale. Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.

It makes sense if you've read the books.

Terry, look at me. Is this what you want to do? Think very carefully, son.

For once in your life, do something right.

Damn it, Terry! [both say it simultaneously]

I'll simply punch my fist through a window.

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

I'll just tell them that I apologized for... whatever, heroically caring too much

Because we want them to believe us and not laugh really hard at a ridiculous science fiction scenario.

Fine! I'll tell them that for the past three years, you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar, and I am an insane weirdo who, despite being the only reason we even had a friendship to begin with, decided to ruin it out of the blue for no good reason.

That sounds good. Let's go with that.

[Leslie shouts and destroys the monitor]

I did not consider that possibility!

You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.

I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.

I think wood is stupid, and so does everybody else. You guys, Ron loves plastic.

You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson, a fact I remember because my mind is a steel trap of friendship nuggets.

♪ Harry Truman was a guy ♪ ♪ America, Red China ♪ ♪ All the countries, other people ♪

♪ Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen ♪ ♪ I have to buy a new toaster ♪ ♪ This is awesome, you're so stupid ♪

♪ Freddy Krueger bought some pants ♪ ♪ Oprah has a turtle farm ♪ ♪ Peter Piper pee-pee poopy ♪

Stop this! I will speak with you for three minutes.

We were work proximity associates.

And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship, and I will do so using the most powerful tool known to man: a well-organized chart.

your utter lack of interest in maintaining adult friendships. - Work proximity associate-ships.

At her request, the party's theme is 'Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree.'

[British accent] 'Oh, dear. We live at the Morningstar. That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley.'

Oh, my God, you made a key?

The name of the store is 'Food and Stuff.' They sell food, and they sell stuff. If you don't like it, go to that new place, Complete Food. - It's called Whole Foods.

I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, to blow a hole in that [bleep] door and walk out as a free man. It's in the Constitution.

There's no cursing in the Constitution.

[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow playing from the fake bomb with confetti]

You mean to tell me you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?

[Leslie on recording] Congratulations, Ron. You've been doing an explosive job! [laughs]

Who gets angry at balloons?

Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist whose political leanings are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky.

I'll watch a foreign film. I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.

You called me a heartless thug.

I would rather work with a person like that than with a milquetoast yes-man.

Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French, and you had a nervous breakdown.

Apparently, Craig is studying yoga. These are the only dry clothes I could find.

I feel extremely angry.

Stop whining, you big baby. I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off. I've seen you without a mustache. I've seen it all.

we needed a mindless factotum, and he's the best there is. - Amen.

I was gonna ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.

Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.

You big, fat, giant sap.

For the first time in my life, I am present-less.

Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? - People are idiots, Ron.