Leslie Knope

Would you say that you are enjoying yourself and having fun, having a moderate amount of fun and somewhat enjoying yourself, or having no fun and no enjoyment?

I'm gonna put 'a lot of fun.' Ms. Knope! There's a drunk stuck in the slide.

Sir, this--this is a children's slide. You're not allowed to sleep in here.

When I first tell people that I work in the government, they say, 'oh, the government. The government stinks. The lines are too long at the dmv.'

Visual gag of Leslie trying to help drunk man while giving talking head interview

Hillary clinton. Sarah palin. Me. Nancy pelosi. We did it!

Get on board and buckle up, 'cause my ride's gonna be a big one. And if you get motion sickness, put your head between your knees 'cause leslie knope's stopping for no one.

When I go through these doors, I need to be on. Like the white house press secretary.

It's locked. Okay. Here we go.

Visual gag of nearly empty meeting room after Leslie's 'amazing turnout' comment

We're having a meeting in here.

These people are members of a community that care about where they live, so what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

It's more than a promise. It's a pinky promise.

We will fill in that pit, and then when that's done, we're gonna put a park on the land.

Recently I led a city-wide drive to disinfect the sandbox sand after we had those problems with the cats.

This could be my hoover dam.

I'm a woman, he's A... oh, I think he's a libyan.

Committees are the lifeblood of our democratic system.

From time to time, when I think of an eloquent saying or a phrase, I have tom write it down. He's collecting them for my memoirs.

He's kind of like a fixer. He fixes things. He's a smart, capable guy. He just--he knows where the bodies are buried.

I just work right there. Well, thank you for clearing your schedule. Oh, I didn't clear anything.

Really? It sounds like you're telling me to go for it.

When you work closely with someone and you share similar interests and you have a similar worldview and you're passionate about the same things, things can happen. We slept together.

Leslie? No. Oh, my god. You know what? Yeah, we did, like five years ago. I'd sort of-- No, but yeah. Yeah. We did.

Is this fun for you? Yeah, it's so much fun.

This must be our hero. The man heard 'round the world.

Imagine a shiny new playground with a jungle gym and swings, pool, tennis courts, volleyball courts, racquetball courts, basketball court, regulation football field.

I'm going in. Why? Don't worry. I have a hard hat on.

It's like george bush when he flew over new orleans or richard nixon when he went to china to see what the chinese were up to.

Leslie falling into the pit herself

Good thing I was wearing that hard hat. But it-- it fell off. After my head hit that rod.

It's not broken. It is. Do you have one of those neck foam collar brace things? Honestly, you're-- you're fine. Oh, honestly, my clavicle's broken.

Oh, hey, baby, if you're going to the kitchen, could you make me pancakes real quick? Uh, sure. Ooh, are pancakes being made? Yeah, sure.

When you've been down in the pit-- have you been in the pit? No, I haven't gotten down there yet. Well, I have. When you fell in. When I visited the bottom of the pit on a fact-finding mission.

A little trivia-- it is one of the first structures in america to ever have locks.

We have a lot of children visit, so often we have to cover up the more gruesome parts with a poster.

I'm barely 34, and I've already landed a parks department exploratory subcommittee. I'm a rocket ship.

Well, I'm getting involved. So I am gonna make a vow now that I will do whatever it takes to get this pit filled in. Even if it takes two months.

I've been searching for 25 minutes and I haven't found a single egg. And I'm an adult. Oh. Yeah, I forgot to do that.

She's as respected as Mother Teresa. She's as powerful as Stalin, and she's as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.

I know! That's why I fake invited you.

When I was in sixth grade, I was voted Best Dressed by 87 votes. And there were only 63 people in my class.

Tom, you probably won't need any [sunscreen for your beaks].

You can't handle the pit. That's why we need to turn it into a park.

Would it change your mind if we told you that... She's gone.

Now, is this park gonna have a playground or, you know, maybe a pool for the kids? Oh, how old are your kids? No kids.

Could the 4-year-old watch the 2-year-old?

Yeah, don't worry about it, I made it all up.

Survey. We surveyed crystal meth users.

You don't care about your kids if you don't support this park!

Oh, it's next month, forget about it. Oh, it's tomorrow night.

He's our symbol. We'll wheel him around the neighborhood to get sympathy. He's a cute FDR.

Hey, Vlad! Look at these rocks! Let's pretend they're potatoes! Nikolai! Do you want to swim in the dirt?

President Knope, this park is awesome. Now we understand why you are the first female President of the United States.

Only for one to 90 days.

Can you do that? Why? Please, April! This is serious! Can you do that? Probably.

None of them were able to make it tonight, unfortunately. But they totally exist. I did not make them up.

twisted him to death

Filibuster! Boom! They can't touch you if you talk forever.

blink our feelings to each other, rather than use words

You suck. Hear that? He called me 'park lady.'

For a while, it was a teenage nature hike, but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.

Leslie eating the honeysuckle despite Jerry saying not to eat it

Why did you let me eat that? / I never told you to eat that.

Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle. / I'm not an animal.

She writes for the Pawnee Journal, which is kind of like our town's Washington Post.

The press is a weapon and you can use it to kill people or to feed people.

We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding.

To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular.

What? Stay on message again? / Yes, it's that important. It's one and two.

This is JJ's Diner, the unofficial meeting place of Pawnee's political elite. The people who eat here basically run this town.

What about that thing you did for the middle school newspaper last year? / Oh. No. I don't count that. That was a smear job.

How you spell your name. / Of course. Because of the silent 'K.'

How many discussion questions do you have there? / Um... Thirty. / Wow! You're insane.

Mark and I made love once. And it was very intense.

And I agree with you. They are nature's bandits.

I am always amazed at his quiet dignity right before he's killed by a cannonball.

I'm surprised no one's complained about this. / Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.

Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.

April Ludgate, 19. Cool enough to be invited anywhere and chooses to be here.

Yeah. Good. That way it's verbatim.

I'm sorry. It's actually called a subcommittee, not a committee, so.

Oh, Ann. You're so sweet and innocent and pretty. The press are like sharks, and you guys just dumped a bucket of chum in the water.

And it turns out that Ann is on birth-control pills.

She got here 15 minutes late. She's wearing the same dress she wore yesterday. And she had to get a ride from...

How big is the lot? / I don't know. You tell me. How big is the lot? / A hundred or something. Give or take 100. I don't know. / A hundred what? / I don't know, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Crap on a stick. Okay, technically, yes, it was nepotism. But... Oh, my God. No, it wasn't.

There was one annoying thing. She and Mark had sex with each other. / You're kidding. / I wish I was, but I'm not. They did it.

Called it. I called that. / You remember that? Yeah. / He did, actually. He totally called that.

I accidentally ate an old burrito.

I'm assuming not Mexican. / Why? / Because of the burrito. / Oh! Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.

Can I say over 100%? Because I would be lying if I said less.

Oh, really? Tell that to a 14-year-old girl. / There are some countries where the Pope can be married. / Really? Have you seen The Wizard of Oz? / Leprechauns exist.

Do you have to say it's off the record? / Oh, God.

'Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill.' / I didn't 'throw up,' I spit up.

She writes, and I quote, 'We'll see.' / Ends on a hopeful note.

Actually, this is a little fun. This is fun.

That's why I go two towns over if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.

Maybe those are his relatives. Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.

She's got a thong on her face.

His favorite movie is Dances With Wolves.

No matter what direction I move, he's always staring at my chest.

Yes, Ann! That's good, think like a man.

And it's because you're a woman!

That was the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered.

Oh, boo. Brendanawicz, that's some weak sauce. You need to hit harder!

I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed.

Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota. I am sorry. Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin. I'm so sorry, Tammy.

Yes, but she was in the hospital. I did not know that at the time.

You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache.

When you spill something and you try to wipe it up with something that's dirty, then you get double dirty.

This bench is so uncomfortable. Ow. Help. Please, Ron. Ron.

Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson? No! Absolutely not. No. Yes. No.

I... We had a brief affair in February of 2004.

Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.

They cut his face off. And they made it into a dream catcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that's the great thing about Indians back then--is they used every part of the pioneer.

Sorry, is a great man. I, for one, am glad that they're keeping him alive.

Like the Kennedys or the Bushes. Minus the drinking problem. I mean no disrespect.

Oh, it didn't answer your call? Maybe because it was in the Smithsonian.

The Tellensons is like the Oscars times the Grammys plus the Super Bowl.

He's the guy that made Larry Bird look the way he does.

Salvatore calls this hairdo 'The Mayor.'

And yes, I will wear my hair like this when I am the first female mayor of Pawnee.

Okay, let's go.

I don't know who that is, that's somebody's wife.

Wait, Oscar Pfortmiller's dead. That's his disappointing son, Theo. Another dynasty.

If a bomb went off in here, it would definitely make the Indianapolis papers.

Maybe I should mention her massive weight loss.

Yes, and it's 22 minutes long. With the song. I could cut the song. The song's cut.

I'll make her feel like a human dinner roll.

Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom. But she's so much more than that. She's also... my mother.

And if you weren't thinking it, you probably already said it. Political dynasty.

And others.

I love you too, Janine.

She has a husband who likes to vroom and glug glug glug glug glug.

Look, nursing is easy. Yeah. You just go to work and people come in and you heal them.

Make any pancakes lately?

Yeah. And he's got three crutches. And one of them is you. And the other two are crutches.

I know that your husband is a drunk driver. My mom told me.

He lives in Florida. In a cemetery.

Fondly.

Oh, you guys. You know how I love mixing work into my personal life.

Apparently, tonight, I'm the Parks Department's seventh wheel.

Dead or asleep?

That time we were also at a bar. And he was also pretty drunk.

I mean, Kennedy put a man on the moon. I can build one park.

This isn't the way I want this to happen again.

Opening with Leslie rapping the entire Fresh Prince theme song at what appears to be a government meeting

And they like to fling their feces, so we were hoping that they would fling their hats. But they just flung their feces.

Still, you couldn't have asked for better weather.

Just to be clear, that was a friend punch. There was no flirtatious meaning behind that playful punch I just gave your arm.

I really hit rock bottom that night. And I mean that I literally fell to the bottom of a pit and hit a rock.

And then I started thinking, 'I need morphine.'

Last year, a garbage man was suspended for wearing a Live Strong bracelet.

Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it. Yes, 'cause it was featured in Details magazine. And it's awesome.

The thing about youth culture is, I don't understand it.

How? Photoshop. What? Oh! Computers.

That was hands-down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna.

Oh, you're serious?

Because I firmly believed that it would be cute. And it was.

You know what? I'm so terrible with directions. If I'm headed to the parking lot, do I make a left out of here, or do I go right?

Oh, me, neither. Look, let's invent our own secret language that only we understand.

especially on a night when the Colts are playing.

This is green.

I just have one thing to say! Together we can change Pawnee forever! Let's dance!

You know why tonight's fun? 'Cause everyone's so gay. And they know how to have fun, and the dancing! Just, it's... Everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.

I guess I'm kind of like queen of the gays.

That's funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays. That was me.

Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri? Move to a different town? No, I kid.

I have one night of fun with some of the best dancers I've ever danced with, and suddenly everybody's freaking out?

But I apologize. I apologize for having fun, and for making something cute!

Look at them. They're just in their own little penguin love bubble.

We're just animals. We don't know anything about love.

Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.

Oh, look! Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide. They might die. But it would be so cute!

Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.

The thing is, Mark isn't my ex. We slept together six years ago. Anyway, I'm over it. Or am I? I'm just kidding.

Did you get my text? Did you get my emails? Did you see that I paged you? I did not. Did you check your voicemail? I didn't.

Then there'll be an investigation. And they'll find my fingerprints on the manure.

I would like to be president some day, so, no, I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once. At a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in it. It was just an insanely good brownie.

I have stakeout supplies. Notepads, pencils, and pencil case. Shakable whipped cream. Cameras. Gorp. And... candy necklaces.

And I made us a mix CD. It's all filled with songs about people watching people. It's mostly Sting.

We were drunk, and he tried to kiss me, and I said, 'nuh-uh, no, sir, Mark Brendanawicz. I don't need your business here.'

Get down!

White male, light brown hair. Just take pictures. Oh, my God. It looks like Andy. That is Andy.

Andy is the kingpin.

You're living in the pit now? For now, yeah. It's awesome. Somebody planted a garden down there with fruits and vegetables, so I'm getting a lot of vitamins.

Your name's Dave? Can I call you Dave? My mother likes David, but I'm pretty split on... I hate to break it to you. You really stepped in it. What? I'm a government employee, and so is your prisoner. If I wanted to, I could get on the horn, and I could have Ron Swanson down here. Kicking down your doors. That's right, you heard me.

Parks and Recreation. Do I stutter?

I took the pictures. My best friend was going on a date with my ex-lover.

Prison changes a man. I think he'll wanna see a familiar face when he gets back on the outside.

These are... carrots. You don't think I know the difference between carrots and marijuana?

You wanted to check up on your friend and that guy, your ex, so you made up a story about weed so you could stake out their date. I did not. There actually was weed here. It's okay. I think it's kind of cute.

What a crazy night. Partner? Want to go get some breakfast? What? No. Take me home. What is wrong with you? Oh, my God, I can't believe this is on! I wonder if mini golf is open. Home!

So everybody needs to pitch in $90... Because I ordered a beautiful bouquet of daffodils from a website after a few glasses of wine.

So, Tom, I think you might be getting some daffodils too. Donna, you're definitely getting some. Jerry, I don't know, I'm not sure. Time will tell.

The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there? - What? - Talent and Poise. It's a strip club by the V.A. Hospital.

So that awesome girls like you, who are not, you know, classically hot, can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.

It's Madeleine Albright. - That's her name? I call mine nana. - No, that's Madeleine Albright. First female Secretary of State.

I mean, could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations? - I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

She got me. She got me good.

Trish will win this pageant over my dead body.

This isn't the first time that Susans have lost to Trishes. And it won't be the last.

It's officer John McClane. Welcome to the party, pal.

Will Sandra Day O'Connor and Michelle Obama and Condoleezza Rice and Nancy Pelosi... Are they gonna join us? - No, they won't. - Good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with Miss Pelosi's views about the troubled assets relief program.

Our guests are going to stay in a motel for sure.

I had to drop the rock-and-roll bowling alley from our itinerary.

One of the most difficult phone calls I've ever had to make.

Yes, we'll get our pathetic servant boy to fetch your luggage. Go, boy.

What kind of birds do you eat? Chickens. Us too. Amazing.

A bottle of high-fructose corn syrup made right here in Pawnee's own sweetums factory. 'If you can't beat 'em, sweetums.' Since 1891.

Kernston's rubber nipples. 'Tastes like the real thing.'

That's why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, 'cause nobody takes a punch like her. She's the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.

Now I do not understand.

We'll go to Chicago and pretend it's part of Pawnee. Or New York. Or London! The money's different. They'll figure it out. Never mind.

This is already a park. And it's one of our best-loved parks.

Size doesn't matter. Yes, it does.

But we have something more beautiful than Lady Gaga. Democracy.

We don't need palaces. The ideas are what shine in our meetings.

Tell that to the Golden Gate Bridge or American Idol or the moon. Oh, wait. You can't 'cause you've never been.

And you guys want to marry Hugo Chavez.

Those are our pens. Great. We don't even need them. Great. Then don't take them. We didn't.

Do you see the problem here? Yes, but I don't want to.

Yesterday I was Hillary Clinton, today I'm Bill.

Jerry, are you happy? What did I do?

I don't want to viva that guy. We just gave you $35,000. That's worth one viva.

And it's not going to have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone, unless that's what the people want. And that, sir, is democracy.

Fat kids, skinny kids, brainiacs, sluts, the gay drama kids, goths, jocks, the alternative crowd.

Jerry, did you use permanent marker again? I'm sorry, guys... Forget it. Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

I have a couple in my wallet. That's what I call condoms. Come on, Tom. Focus.

I wanna move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Something more plausible than that, but fast.

Would you break the rules? I won't murder.

So who gives me the go ahead to not ask for permission, because... Is it Ron?

I've never rented a guy before. Wish I knew about that during prom.

I didn't wanna tell him my real name, you know?

We are about to fill this hole now. Not with dirt, but with the courage of a thousand lions. And the solemn memory of all of our friends who have fallen in this cursed hole.

Can I smoke in here? You don't smoke. Just asking if I can.

Are you high? I'm high on kaboom!

But sometimes when you make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative, no omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

You can't say 'I'm sorry', or 'I apologize.' It implies guilt. That's insane, I have to apologize. Andy was the victim... Can't say 'victim'.

I can't say the word 'situation'? No, it implies there was a situation.

Can I give him the pig? Pig's fine.

Hope you squeal better.

Andy, I just wanted to say, I am so, so, so... filled... with emotions. As any person would.

You were in the pit. We're not conceding that point. You were in a place... we're both here now.

If you wanna meet, just put a white chalk 'x' on the mailbox across the street from city hall. Or call me back... just call me back.

Hey, Andy, it's your aunt. Your mom or dad's sister. I don't know how to tell you this, but... your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus now.

I want Ann back, and she said she needs a guy with a lot of money. That doesn't sound like Ann. I can't really do her voice.

Usually in these situations a person says 'pinch me.'

I wish there was something physical that can make me feel this way.

Greg Pikitis. You're the Parks lady, right? Yeah, that's right. I'm the Parks lady.

He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond super villain criminal mastermind.

Or maybe someone else is doing it, but I really feel like it's this kid.

Thanks for stopping by, Leslie. You look great. Thank you. Ends today.

That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer. In a way, that's a compliment.

But more importantly, Greg Pikitis sucks, and I wanna destroy him.

Didn't, like, 30 people die in that fire? He wasn't Superman.

He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on? No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

Turdish? Yes. Like a turd. Like a little turd.

Pikitis!

This is his ace of spades. This is his calling card. This is what he leaves all his victims.

You have a scary face. Hey! No, in a good way. Scary cute.

Okay. The gloves are coming off.

Look, I will waterboard you. No, no. I don't think she would make a good cop.

Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh? Hey. Leslie, I mean that in a good way.

This is for pooping on the handball court!

This is really fun! But I don't condone it!

Did he hire a fake mom again, to get him out of trouble? What? Whenever he gets in trouble, he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out.

How did that little turd do it?

April, stop that. Who are you texting? / You. / She's texting me.

Damn it! The library?

Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang. But instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy. And shushing.

It's the worst group of people ever assembled. They're mean, conniving, rude, and well read, which makes them very dangerous.

Ron's ex-wife? / That's terrific. Or is that awful? / He hates her, but he knows her. / Everything's okay. Or is it just the same? / You're thinking out loud again. / Am I? I am.

Does she have any weaknesses? / What do you mean no? Everybody has one. / Not machines.

And in case something bad goes down, I wore my sharpest rings. This one will tear you up.

You have a lot of nerve showing your face here. / Excuse me? / You have overdue book fees totaling 3 dollars, Missy.

That is so typical. I should've known you'd use a low blow, dirty pool, B.S. move like that. That's why everybody hates the library. Here's your 3 dollars. See you in hell.

I know this is a trap but I don't know how.

And off to the side, a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.

When you meddle in someone's personal life, it's just so... rewarding.

I can't even tell you how many of my exes' weddings I've been to.

You could either be a Cleopatra or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. / What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

I would never work at the library department.

You are Ron freakin' Swanson!

"I let Mark nail me and we're still friends." / I never... I would never use those words.

Fine, I had one dream, but no, no.

Is part of your moustache missing? / Yes. / There's a push pin in your face. / Leave it in.

You didn't kill Tammy, did you? / I'm afraid she can't be killed.

Tammy is... a mean person. / Come on, you can do better than that. / She's a great A bitch.

We've had someone throw acid at it, tomato sauce. Someone tried to stab it once. We really need better security here. We also need... better, less-offensive history.

Leslie, what's your design gonna be? A tree? / Joe, you work in sewage. Your department literally specializes in crap.

Look at Madonna... Great singer, amazing arms. Look at O.J. Simpson... Heisman trophy winner, naked gun.

That's not true. I've seen your fingernails. / I pay someone to do this.

Only Ron can order the whole department to do something. Ron, order them to do this. / Do whatever Leslie says.

Designers, make it work. / Tim Gunn.

I know everything about this town and these murals, and that's why this is a dream come true... Literally. I have had a dream where I designed a mural. But then it turned into a nightmare because the mural started talking, and it came alive, it was whispering, and I couldn't hear what it was saying, so I leaned in close, and then it ate me. At one point, Gina Gershon was there.

I have one question. Why? / If you have to ask, you don't get it.

Like the Mona Lisa or the music of Squeeze.

Look at the oscars. This is our holocaust movie. This is our English Patient.

One to one to one to one to one to one. / We all voted for ourselves, didn't we?

It's like if you got Michelangelo and Andy Warhol and Jackson Pollock and Jim Davis from Garfield to do one painting. Imagine how good that painting would be!

Ann's in trouble. We think it might be pills. / What? / That's a lie. But this is as important.

I've seen you sketch things. Like poles for stop signs. That everybody stops and looks at. / By law, they're required to.

How's life in the Parks De-fart-ment? / Better than life in the Sewage De-fart-ment. Which makes more sense.

They're changing the title to the diversity express.

I'm the pants queen! What the hell! Bow to the pants queen.

When you're out with the boys, you gotta be ready for a good pantsing. That's why I have suspenders that connect my bra to my jeans.

That's why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron? Yes, you are right.

I know this weekend you were looking forward to a lot of man on man on man action

Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.

You surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?

Ron, it's not that serious. I just need you to stay calm. I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

There was a bird kind of near me, and I know you want to prove yourself. No, I swear I didn't. I swear to God, I've never shot anyone.

I am. I shot Ron Swanson. You shot my Mercedes? What? No. No!

I let my emotions get the best of me. I just... I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking, and I felt something icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember. I'm wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front. So it popped open and it threw me off. All I want to do is have babies.

This would not happen if I had a penis! What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

Pants king. Pants queen.

They'll only talk to you or me, and I can't go. Because I don't want to.

I don't know what those are.

I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. Of course marriage is number seven. So watch out, everyone. It's all bad.

Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster cool guy, but he's hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of axe body spray.

Don't be all like, 'I don't want to. I am a guy, and I like fire and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no, says I.'

That was a really good Ron. Thank you.

I thought I had Tom all figured out, but it's almost like he's faking being sad. Why would he do that?

A cheese fountain? A ruby? A goose heart?

You're a club promoter? Aspiring.

Like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex.

I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality.

This is Seabiscuit. Sierra. Sorry, it's loud in here.

And then afterwards, reconsider your profession, but for now, grind away.

Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

It's exactly how I felt when that planet earth series ended.

I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.

From the knees. He weighs eight pounds.

You insensitive little hussy.

You should get married and start a club for people who betray Tom Haverford.

My God, because you're Libyan. No, damn it. Wendy's from Canada.

Prepare to laugh your Asnov!

Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

Classic!

before you get in your costume, to go to the bathroom, so we can avoid what happened last year. It was just farts.

And often. Thank you, I'll be here all week!

Nobody. Nobody told me nothing!

Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? How would that help? I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.

I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.

Except I always assumed that I would be the politician and the man would be accused of sleeping with me. And that man would be the vice president, and I would be the president.

Some people are saying this isn't the first time that you've had sex with a married councilman. Who's saying that? Some people.

This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.

Use your nightstick.

he just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.

Oh, no. She's not my... And in five, Joan. She's a... We're... Four. Three. You've got it wrong.

She has a mole on her right buttock. What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt.

Fine. Here, Joan. Why don't you look for yourself?

You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have. Because he loved his job.

Salami on pumpernickel with olive juice and extra iceberg.

I just wish I'd liked it.

I asked the police department if I could have it and they said no, so I stole it.

Is a friend of mine! That's my motto, too.

Is it locking up the bad guys or keeping them on the streets?

He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.

I don't want to date a twin, 'cause I've been tricked before.

Well done, Ann. I actually heard that.

Oh no thanks. I'm not thirsty.

And how creepy their grandfather was.

Ooh you slept together? What? Not sexually. God what's wrong with you, Tom?

Well, frankly, I would like to hit that, but Ann's being a little weird about it.

I'm back on the horse, and this horse is a lawyer, so I'm looking forward to riding him. No, wait.

Ten months ago, she was an intern who could give a C-R-A-P about local government. Now, she's our newest employee.

Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, this year we will have to remove five jewels from that crown.

Hopefully your attendance is good! Actually, no, hopefully it's bad.

It's where I learned hair braiding, and how to make biscuits, and French kissing. The French kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class, but either way, lesson learned.

That fish over there kind of reminds me of my mom. Why? It's just being really withholding.

Isn't it great? It's camel stomach. Is it? I'm teasing, I'm teasing. It's chicken.

I've racked my brain and I can't come up with one exciting idea.

No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing. I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better. It's called a think tank, Ann.

How many courses will there be? Three. Four. Not including dessert. So, five courses. Yes. Now, it will be five courses.

And you, out of all my friends, come from the most distant and exotic land. South Carolina?

What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Don't worry about it. What?

This newspaper's from November, 1986. Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!

I might need it. What about this one? Well, if two birds come along?

Shake my hand. Why? I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much. I don't want to creep Justin out. I want him to respect my handshake.

People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Ew! It's like touching raw chicken. Damn it. Gonna have to re-foliate them.

Oh! No, no, I insist on paying. No, no, I insist on demonstrating. This is not gonna affect my decision at all. Oh, of course not. Stop winking.

Five courses. Of what? Huh? Of what? Oh, God.

You've been here? Right.

No, no, no! No talking. Everybody stop talking until Justin gets here. Don't use up your stories.

Please, have a good time and shut your mouth.

There are very few things I've asked for in this world. To build a new park from scratch. To eventually become president. And to one day solve a murder on a train.

Really, really, just like the best, most exciting night of your life. I cannot over-hype it enough.

I have the swine flu. Oh... No, she doesn't.

Derek and Ben are gay, but often, on occasion, April will have relations with Derek. Right? Crazy stuff. Discuss that.

Who else is gay?

A belly dancer? What? It's weird, but she just showed up. I mean, I'm not the kind of person that's gonna throw someone out, or, you know, not let them in if they randomly show up.

You know, people hear about a killer party at Knope's house, they all come running.

I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child. You're ruining it. I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony. Totally uncalled for.

I had an awesome time which had nothing to do with the rec center teachers. No further questions.

It's every girl's dream to ask a dude how their date went under penalty of perjury.

there is now an official government document that proves my dinner party kicked ass.

What are you, 5'11", 210 pounds, three whiskeys? Looks like you are just over the line into impaired.

You carry that with you all the time? It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.

No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there. Yeah, but look at the ingredients.

You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet.

Punk-ass book jockeys!

Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night.

All those who would like the bloated corpse of the government to keep running the snack bars at taxpayer expense, raise your hands. And all those in favor of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums, stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand.

By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die, and although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while.

'O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song.' Yeah, and it gets better from there.

Leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home, And we just come and kick it, breakfast-style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It's like lilith fair, Minus the angst. Plus frittatas.

It makes the notebook look like saw v.

Go, mom, go.

And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. Divorced, dating a gay guy, divorced twice,

I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife gayle many times. Whatever.

I didn't volunteer. Yeah, too bad. You got drafted.

ask not what Your old people could do for you. Ask what you could do for your old people. Terminator. What? No. Jfk. this meeting Has been terminated. that is the terminator.

You're asking my permission to take a nooner? Sure. Well, I don't know. Maybe.

For our nooner, which is a cute word. Explain it to her later. Explain what?

Maybe I'll call him pappy. Pop. Poppy. Papa. Oh, look at me, I'm getting ahead of myself. Hey, you never know. I'm gonna call him poo-paw.

What if I told you that you could reunite romeo and juliet? Or brad pitt and jennifer aniston? Oh, jen, I really want you to be happy. Stay away from john mayer.

Oh, no, poo-paw. Poo-paw, no.

So you were in the military? Nope.

Yeah, well, he cried himself to sleep.

Wow. Excellent role modeling.

Every child has the right to play, no matter how boring the sport.

I'm the girls' coach. She's the boys' coach. Oh. Okay. Sorry. That's sexist.

I'm a boy. Good. Yeah. 'Cause I wasn't talking to you.

I have been a dues-paying member since I was nine.

They only honor women. And Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Write an e-mail to Barack Obama. Lock myself in my office and scream until I lose my voice.

Yes. Camp Xena. Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name. I almost got it. I was pretty close. No.

Well, it's a man's world, Winston. Get used to it. I'm a man.

I'm doing my official portrait for the IUD Awards Dinner Program. IOW.

Which of these objects most represents women for this portrait? A pot? Or this Deputy Director Barbie?

I'm going to help my boss win an award.

Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

She was the first woman in Pawnee to wear pants on a Sunday. She spent four years in jail for that.

The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong, and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson!

I won't. I'm gonna push my punches as far as my fists can extend!

I don't want it. Just take the damn thing. You deserve it. No, no. Really. No, Ron, you deserve it. Really, but I don't want it. But you won it. And you should win it.

I've always dreamed of you. / Excuse me? / Meeting you.

Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole... he's actually number three on the Parks Department's Most Wanted Pest List

right behind the bats, who like to poop on the bell tower, and Poopy, the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria

Let's be honest. Animal Control is not the most effective branch of our government. They're a bunch of burned-out morons.

Ma'am, the next time we speak, we shall be dancing on the grave of a possum.

We'll get to it first thing Monday. / Today's Wednesday.

We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

That would be Harris and Brett. / But they're not here. / Isn't that them, there? / Nope.

Want your ball back? Come with me. / Oh, man! / How you know my name, homie?

How long do you think it would take me to learn golf, Leslie? / I could teach you... / Yeah, I don't want to do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.

Andy will come in to... / Andy! / I got it!

You're next, Poopy.

Please, my friends call me Andy Radical. / No, we don't.

How about an extra recycling can? No. Laminated bus pass? No. / What time do you usually go to sleep? Because my best ideas usually come to me at night.

Am I sure the possum we caught is Fairway Frank? Yes. Am I quite sure? No. Am I sure enough? Maybe.

As a city official, it's important that I ask myself a lot of questions. Does doing so help me make decisions? Uh...

Hypothetically, if you were going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale...

Can you do that, April? April, can you do that? Can you get the possum out of here? Can you sneak it out of here? April, can you do it? Can you do it? Please, April, tell me you can do it!

I can't kill the possum, because it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go, because it might be guilty. I can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word 'lieutenant.'

Help! Help, my arm looks like it's bleeding! / Holy cow! Leslie! / Oh, boy. Oh, look how much it's bleeding. Everybody look at it. Everybody look over here!

It's ketchup! / Is it? / Jerry. Jerry. Yes. It's ketchup.

Does he want to have sex with a dead possum? / No! No. He's not a monster.

And I will not reveal his location, no matter how much you ask me. But I'm going to stop talking now because I'm afraid I may accidentally say where it is, so please go.

But security footage later revealed that it was actually a goose. / That's great. / No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?

What if it laid eggs in the bed?

He's gonna be pissed at me. I already ruined his big day, and it's my fault that it's in Ann's house, who he's obviously still in love with.

Oh. April. / He'll forgive you. / You think so? / Yeah.

And, April, any time you want to talk about boys... / Oh, my God! Stop!

And I want to be wearing a huge, beautiful, blue hat!

April, run! / Run, April. Sorry, Ann! I love you!

No, they don't win a hummingbird. I installed hummingbird feeders in all the parks, so the winner gets to refill those feeders.

Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean, they're so small. And they have tiny beaks. And they only eat sugar water. I mean, what beats that?

Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah. They do.

I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

Okay. Okay, guys. That's enough. Unless somebody has another good one.

Jerry, are you okay? Ann, is Jerry okay? What's wrong with your arm? Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm. Jerry, talk to me. Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.

If even one of them had a unique scar, we got them. I didn't get a good look. Damn it, Jerry. Sorry. You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

Our friend got mugged this morning. And we will not let that happen in vain. He doesn't have a black eye. Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye.

Jerry's face is the symbol of failure. Our failure to keep the parks safe.

So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right? No. Just check in with him.

Ha-ha, guys. Really funny. Where's the real banner? We only had an hour. So did I. Look what I did.

He needs a lot of support. Tom. Talking about a bra for a man.

Jerry? I don't... I don't think your computer is plugged in. I'm sorry, guys. Just got to power up.

You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. In Muncie? Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

The first one got pushed into the creek by some kids. The second one, raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere. And the third one was recently stolen. What's this one? This is the second one. The raccoon piss one.

Oh. That's Tom, probably. Are you serious? Tom, can you get off, please? Just run alongside the cart, okay?

With budget cuts, we can't afford a single safety light. There's been 10 assaults already this year. Wow. Really? Can't you station a Park Ranger out here? We have! Who do you think they're assaulting?

This is my co-worker, Jerry Gergich. Diabetic. Sloppily out of shape. Friend.

Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? Your unpopular co-worker?

So... Make sure you bring the doofus who got his ass kicked. I don't know who you're referring to. We treat everyone with respect around here.

He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma. Correct.

Fine. I'll have sex with you in exchange for the tape. That's not what I am saying. Okay?

I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype. Well, I'm not sure what that has to do with the mugging. Uh... Leslie. Counterpoint. I disagree with Carl. Okay. I have seen Avatar as well, and I think it exceeded the hype.

Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you? You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight. Yes, ma'am. Go. Go on. Oh, no, no, no. Don't make me chase you.

This is the only copy, and I am going to destroy it. Right after I watch it one more time. I'm sorry, but it is so good.

Think of the September issue of vogue, But it's more important to pawnee, mainly because we don't get vogue here.

that child looks like it's abandoned, So basically, boo.

Maybe in your heart, you knew it was from me, But you came anyway.

When I say 'parks,' you say 'department.' Parks. Apartment!

Hello, disgusting fragrance flap.

Are we gonna hate each other someday?

Of course, my first act as city manager Would be to double the size of the parks department, Although I do expect a fight from ron. But I'll win.

[gasps] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

June and November.

Why don't I try to rustle up seven more meetings 'cause I think it would be cooler if there were an even 100.

Don't throw things at me. Oh, these are tight.

Oh, I'm actually here to see mark. Right. Oh, well, thanks for the coffee. That's also for mark. Mm. I really need it though. But next time more sugar. Okay, thanks. Bye!

History is important. You just can't go around changing everything all the time or else next thing you know They'll be painting the white house... Not white. I'm so angry, I can't think of another color. Green.

Your husband's a mushy, old, pile of rot.

I am not a stick in the mud! I-I just want to stop a party from happening.

I saw your penis.

Gazebo? More like 'Ga-zoinks-Bo.' She may be a former beauty queen, but today she's the king of destroying history.

Crrr-AP on the cob.

I know you're probably thinking 'there's that crazy gate lady from outside back again.' And to some extent, you're right. I am the gate lady.

It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of The Mall of America.

Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night. That ruins sex and tonight.

Diabetes. Let's Dia-beat-this.

Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan. Four hours to embroider them. Time well spent.

No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. No. She should be on the hot air balloon, and you should ride up on horseback.

Definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.

Ex-Indiana Pacers small forward, Detlef Schrempf. The Detlef Schrempf?

Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.

'The devil knows where you're hiding.' 'If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon, he's going to drive.' She was really into the devil.

Tigers.

There are two types of diabetes, but only one type of caring. Type One caring.

Have you ever seen this man sleep? It's like underwater ballet.

Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV? Most women do.

I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes. No. No, you won't. No, you won't. Because if you do that, you will die.

No. What we're going to do is we're going to pull our pants down. That's what we're going to do. Everyone's gonna pull their pants down for diabetes.

You just love flashing your ass, don't you? When it's for a good cause, Joan.

So, I may have parked on your front lawn. You did. I did.

Leslie's theatrical villain laugh that 'sounded like a chimp there at the end'

The bureaucratic confusion about 'indefinitely' - 'Until when?' 'Indefinitely.' 'And when will that end?' 'Later than now.'

Leslie's defiant 'I'm not gonna fight them. Except that I am!' followed by Ron's resigned 'Okay.'

Leslie's anger management technique: 'count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and think of warm brownies'

Leslie comparing eye contact with Chris to 'staring into the sun'

Leslie's over-the-top defense of Jerry: 'He is one of the best people on the planet. He's universally adored here. If you fired him, there would be a revolt.'

Leslie's sincere belief that the building might have feelings: 'There's a lot of history in this one, maybe it does.'

Leslie's drunk hostility toward Ben: 'save your breath, okay? Just get out of here. Because this is a party with my friends And you're trying to fire all my friends.'

Leslie's defiant speech: 'You may hold my fate in your hands like a small bird, But I still think you're an ass.'

The revelation that Ben played 'Whoomp! There it is' at his mayoral swearing-in ceremony

Leslie hearing 'really loud circus music' when told the government will be shut down

Not like it's a competition or anything. Because if it was, I would win. But that's neither here nor there. The point is I would win.

I don't like having Freddy Spaghetti's blood on my hands. / I believe you mean Freddy Spaghetti's sauce.

Burned my tongue. Don't even care.

I'm very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument. Is there any way I can still kind of... / Yeah? / I'd love to hear it.

Can you put a price tag on a child's smile?

Pawnee is better than Idaho. / No, Pawnee is not special. / Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority.

You're non-essential. / That is not your call. / I know, it's on your badge.

This? This isn't me.

Mark Brendana-quitz.

Why else would Boyz II Men's On Bended Knee be playing right now?

Okay. I just want to give you a little advice, which is don't make it last really long. Ladies don't like that.

The only guy that I care about right now is six feet tall with wild, crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun.

Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes.

Ann, you devious bastard.

A, yes. B, even if they don't, we'll just put the concert on ourselves. But C, yes. Yes, they're definitely going to show up. Although, D, maybe not.

God bless you, Jerry Gergich!

My doctor just said I should avoid... / Being a wuss? Yes, I agree.

Oh, I forgot. I didn't get a chance to get porta-potties, so the audience are gonna have to use Ann's house for the bathrooms.

What? Who? The Russians?

Actually, Leslie, I just found out. Freddy Spaghetti ain't coming. / Freddy Spaghetti may not sing. But something much cooler is going to happen. I think. Ann?

At a library. / That's literally the worst place I can imagine.

Well, just take the word 'sex' and change it to 'pickle.' / You got pickle hair, baby And you got it from me / Yeah. Still sounds like it's about sex.

And what was your favorite song, Chelsea? / Penne and the Jets. / Me, too!

Red tape. So you'll never forget your roots.

Giddyup! Giddyup! / I am the pants queen!

Cut it out, Tom. / It never gets old.

The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I have goose bumps. Feel.

Jerry. / Oh, my gosh. Look who's here. Leslie. / The nightmare's over, Jerry. We're going back to work. / You're not going to need this anymore. (SPLASH)

Make the world's biggest pizza. / No, make this town fun for the people who live here. / Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority. / No, it's not. / We're getting pizza?

We literally can't buy... (BLEEP)

I'm not a paper pusher, Ann. I need to be out in the streets, planting trees and cracking skulls.

Save it. Okay? I know you don't have faith in me and my department, and that's fine. But don't expect me to sit here and chitchat with you. / All right. Fair enough. Go the other way. / But I'm just going to that... / All right, I'II...

Great. Let me ask you one question. Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does? Minus the money? / Definitely yes, then.

Okay. I like what you're wearing, but I need it to be 300% sexier. Do you have any of those shirts that look wet all the time? Or, like, a metal bikini?

For dinner? / Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus? / No, you know what's sexy? Turkey chili.

Ann Perkins. You are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you. / Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath.

And... Oops, my vest popped open. Just like the budget needs to pop open and you need to pour it into my Parks Department.

Jurassic Park. Parks are so great. The Parks Department needs money. I just did it in three moves.

Well, then, why don't you just come here and do it yourself? / Okay. Holy crap!

Yes, I am. / No, you're not. / I'm great at being sneaky. / Clearly, you're not.

After dinner, we should take a walk by the pond in Ramsett Park. Walking in parks can be very romantic. / Yeah, too bad the park's always closed, though.

Mission accomplished? / Yeah. There's a mission that Ann had thought of. It was both of our ideas, but it was mostly Ann's.

Budget solution number 28. Use grazing sheep to mow grass in parks. Note. Tired sheep could become food or sweaters.

You swing the hardest, damn it. You go big or you go home. And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home. / I'm not. I don't even really have a home.

Check your testicles? / No. Not that. Although that is very good advice. Looking at you, Jerry.

This town was historically known for two things. Widespread obesity, and the annual Pawnee Harvest Festival.

People from all over Indiana would come and gaze in wonderment at how fat our citizens were.

You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time. What's your excuse?

My body's a microchip.

I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets. Commerce.

If I was sick, could I do this? [attempts cartwheels] What are you doing? Cartwheels. Am I not doing them? No.

It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And, also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.

You're too white.

I looked at the meter, and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.

The floor and the wall just switched.

Good evening, everyone. I'm Leslie Monster. And this is Nightline.

Holy... [BLEEP] I can remember things.

I vomited somewhere in this room. I don't remember where, though.

Stop pooping.

This floor is my friend.

Hey, this ain't your call, McCluskey.

why is half of your face all swirly?

Give it up, everybody, for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post-hence?

A disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Jerrold starred in his school production of Peter Pan. He was a beautiful Tinker Bell.

Not like you get extra credit for this, but I did type it from memory.

Pawnee: Welcome, German soldiers.

After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked.

Pawnee: Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers.

Pawnee: Engage with Zorp.

Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.

Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts. That was a lie, she sued.

Pawnee: Home of the world-famous Julia Roberts lawsuit.

Pawnee: Welcome, Taliban soldiers.

Pawnee: First in friendship, fourth in obesity.

I thought you would be younger... And a girl.

He brought handcuffs with him. This whole thing was planned.

Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules.

He brought a pillow.

Well, for that guy, life in Pawnee is him and his daughter reading that book.

Crackpot convention.

I think we should put in the Bible. Great.

So too Christian and not Christian enough?

Do you see the irony here? No? Okay.

Except for Turnip.

And sorry about the weird blank gap in the middle. A man named Jerry Gergich screwed up the recording somehow. He had one job to do.

If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free.

Good day, Leslie. - Good... good day.

Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs. - That does not apply to this situation at all.

I know Tammy seems scary. But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library-book-pedaling, sex-crazed she-demon.

You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy.

There's a really great calzone place over in Idiotville. - Oh, really? - Down on Terrible Idea Avenue.

Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir. - Leslie, I... you know, I... - I'm just kidding. Let's go.

Well, I tried to call Oprah. I couldn't get her number. I'm putting it out there, like The Secret. And hopefully, she'll call me.

Crazy Ira and... The Douche.

So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?

We are colleagues with benefits. We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends.

How about just you? Thank you, Ron. Yes.

His ether-based perfume 'Blackout' was named one Maxim's top 100 ways to trick someone into sex

take him under your tiny little wing

In high school, they used to call me Angela Lansbury. But that was because of my haircut.

Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle. It's where Madame Tussaud sends all of its failed wax figures

Ron doesn't even have a front door. He won't even tell me his address.

There's a lot of men's coats in here. I like coats.

Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with her, she just didn't realize it.

although it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is

Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming. Who was Rebecca? Yeah. Exactly.

And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the Universe.

Sebastian was the number one boy's name in Pawnee. And the number three girl's name.

Get out.

God, I gotta stop ending on that boring thing. Clowns!

The atrocities are in blue.

Take that, curse! / Take that, curse! / Ouch, ouch, ouch! Right in the chest, ooh! Ow, ow, ow! Bazooka!

She's like an eagle-eyed tiger. / Eagle-eyed tiger! New band name, I call it!

Plus we lost that little pony. / It's a mini horse! / And that's the third lightning rod. Triple lightning rod! / And then you have the curse, quadruple lightning rod.

Oh, no. No. We all just behave rationally and believe we are all in charge of our own destinies. Come on.

Ah, good. Anne, you're so beautiful. Beautiful Anne.

There are not, as one reporter suggested, dozens of escaped convicts meandering around the carnival. And, at no time was any Parks Department quote, 'feasting on petting zoo animals.'

Oh, my God. Crap on a spatula.

You single? / Not now, Ed.

Much like the early settlers of Pawnee begged the Wamapoke 200 years ago. / Ah, but that was... / A trick. And over 50 Wamapoke were slaughtered.

We spotted him from the top of the ferris wheel at the center of the corn maze. After the power came back on, we went and got him. It took us four hours to solve that maze. It took the horse 15 minutes. Jerry's still out there.

Ice Town was a disaster. And it seems like it was probably your fault. From what I can tell, you mismanaged the hell out of it. / Wow, why even say that already?

That was... the second most awkward way a man has ever grabbed my breast.

We only have one chance to make a second impression.

What portion of this camping trip will take place outside? - All of it. - Pass.

My boob does not kill. Paul did not die. He had a heart attack which required an octuple bypass.

Remember, this is the guy that was so upbeat and positive, when he broke up with you, you didn't even know it happened.

Luxury Dog Park. Do you wanna tell us anymore? - Poodles only. No pooping.

Because I don't have one. I don't have an idea, Ann.

I married Alf, and we're pretty happy.

And that'll be fun. We'll all stay up, and then I'll be like, 'hey! No one sleep!' Do you hear how loud that is? You're not sleeping through that.

And actual cats, roughly 12 cats.

I am listening to Steal my Sunshine by Len. A one-hit wonder, like me.

Remember that woman who came up with the Harvest Festival idea and never came up with another idea again? What happened to her? What was her name? Kim? Anyway, who cares? She's stupid, and she's dead now.

Oh, my God, there's, like, 50 cats in here.

Oh, my God, my breath is so bad.

Well, this is a great city. You know, it's definitely the best city in Indiana, probably America, possibly the world.

It took me four years to find the right hairdresser, and we still fight all the time!

I don't know, Ann! Help me, please!

I did get in trouble for shaking one... Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

Bye, babe.

He was like, 'Huh? What? Uh... Bye.' And then, he walked into an office that wasn't his.

I was... Crap on a crayfish. That really stings. I haven't pricked you, yet.

You're a monster. Still haven't done it, yet.

Yellow-haired female. Likes waffles and news. Sexy, well-read blonde. Loves the sweeter things in life.

Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Jamming on my planner.

Upstairs, there is this mural of wildflowers. And I like to sit on a bench in front of it. Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon. Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.

What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are? Eww, Ann. I'm scared of bees. Mural.

They're condescending.

He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ. I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

Craig, your service is crap. Can you be more specific? Yes. Your soul mate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.

Really? Well, that's not gonna last. Excuse me? You heard me. Your marriage is a sham. Goodbye, Craig.

But for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling. So, I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling. A douche-vestigation.

She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair. So, basically, you're just attracted to me because I'm not an elderly person. Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.

I once kissed a girl in college. Eight. Where I graduated summa cum laude in history. One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don't talk about it anymore, please.

You know what else gets people's heart rate up? Doing it. Talking about sex with my boss.

I can't fight this feeling anymore. You and I, we're dating. You should be so lucky.

Hey. Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney. Also, what's chutney? No clue.

It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal. Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but isn't perfect, or do you give it up for what's behind door number two?

I think I like what I have. I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom. I'm kidding!

Tom N. Haverford collects globes. Great. That's enough. His favorite movie is books.

I just wanted to remind you of the art show that's happening tonight at the Community Center. It's gonna be a lot of fun. - Great. Great. - Yeah. Well, that sounds cool. That sounds like something that'll be a big success, you know? I mean, like everything that you, uh--that you put your--your--your paws on-- your fingers.

I'm like that lightbulb-- weak, flickering, barely giving off any light, unable to make out with the lightbulb I want to make out with.

You know what might make you feel better? - A hug? - Paxil. Do you want me to get you a prescription?

So for my painting, I chose one of my very favorite Greek myths-- the centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag. - It's, uh, stunning. - It's breathtaking, Jerry. - Yeah. Really is. - Wow. Thanks, guys.

Oh. Oh, my God. That's me. Is that me? What? No. Oh, jeez, it does look like you.

Besides ride an escalator and drive a car.

Oh, my God. The baby is Tom. What? This is easily my favorite painting ever. What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly. I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared?

Every great work of art contains a message. And the message of this painting is, 'get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia.'

Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know, are centaurs real? - No. - You absolutely sure?

Public art commission, filled with hippies who love public art and sometimes weed. Jackpot.

- The Romans... - Perverts. - The Greeks... - Gay perverts. To great societies in Europe. Europeans.

Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse? Does it look like me? I don't even-- Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything, 'cause you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that. - So would I.

But I think you'll find no one could possibly be offended, unless, of course, they have a problem with centaurs having modern haircuts.

I know how much you enjoy paperwork, but don't hover.

♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday ♪ ♪ it's your birthday ♪

Nice bench. Is that new? / No, that's been there since the '90s.

Until a well-placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin-Robbins revealed... Ron's birthday is on Friday.

All for a free scoop of rum raisin. Was it worth it, Ron? Was it?

Three words... Lindsay Carlisle Shay.

and lost something else. What was it again? Oh, yeah. Her soul.

Our side is this scrappy piece of land where kids go to smash fluorescent light tubes. But it has a lot of heart.

although on average, we are several inches shorter and 80 pounds heavier.

What? I'm not asleep. I'm awake. I'm wide awake, and I got my eyes on you.

That's what I would've said if I had thought of it in the moment. What did I say instead?

Oh, you can't, because you broke your arm climbing that fence. - Uh, I can wave with this arm. - No, you can't. Both your arms are broken.

You might have a fancy car and a mahogany purse, or whatever rich people have

These waffles make great dog laxatives. [...] Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.

Did G.B. Shaw write that for you? - Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fartface?

Ann, put these scones in your bra. Let's go.

That was just a list of ways to mess with you. - She do 'em all? - She did indeed.

Next year, your birthday party is gonna be a rager.

This, by the way, is a one-time-only situation. Next year, your birthday party is gonna be a rager.

Series of Dennis Cooper's revenge signs about his wife's affair

Yes, I know. I couldn't get it earlier.

Because I'm almost done with it, Ann. And I want to talk to you about Patty.

That makes it sexy. / Can I use a weird voice and try to freak people out?

'K' to the 'N' to the 'O-P-E,' she's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana. / Why didn't you just stop at 'Pawnee'?

Reaction beat - Leslie's silence after 'Classic, right?'

Well, this hat is an idiot.

Leslie and Ann's escalating drunk fight

You're stupid, and you're drunk and you're stupid.

You don't even know one thing. I didn't even say one thing. And then she asked me the whole thing, and I didn't even do it once.

Really? / No, I threw up in the shower.

Then our heads will explode, and we will die.

I owe her, like, a million apologies. I think I owe you one, too. I'm sorry. For what? I don't know.

I'm sorry. For what? / I don't know.

I'm sorry. For what? I don't know. Are you okay? No, I'm sad.

I got home last night, and I thought I might go sledding.

But first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket. Would you mind if I joined you? Not at all. Shall we?

Friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. It doesn't matter. But work is third.

I was thinking about you when I wrote it. 'Cause I was, um... 'Cause I told you I wanted to read it? Yeah. That's a good reason.

[Ben and Leslie's awkward physical positioning and forced enthusiasm]

Right here. Ah... Ah... And go team! Yep.

Yeah, and I could literally get 'a-fired.'

Did you go to Johns Hopkins? No.

Jimmy Carter's 'Crisis of Confidence' speech, Learning to Speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of Old Timey Car Horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza.

It's an amazing instrument, the banjo. Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud.

Their bath mats are amazing. It's like stepping on a lamb.

You've got an eyelash on your face. I got it. Make a wish. Learning to speak Mandarin. Unit three. Get away from me. Sorry.

I'm allergic to fingers.

and our seats have extra cushioning due to the massive size of our average citizen.

The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town, and we have ours.

Ann, we have a serious code Ben. Well, it's not really code if you say his name.

No, you're supposed to talk me out of this. No. Don't. Stop. Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway. Yay!

The key to a healthy urethra, radishes. Good, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night. Good night. Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle?

11:00 a.m., 'The start-paperwork jamboree.' And then 12:00 noon sharp is the inaugural 'D-Ann-ce Party.'

I think at some point, you and I should probably make out with each other. Yeah, good call.

Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it. But I've never met her. She's Filipino.

You know what I should do? I should get my mother a one-way ticket to London, leaving today.

And I definitely heard your feedback from last time, so I only put five Sarah McLachlan songs on this one.

When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. What? A cute fascist hard-ass.

Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.

'Um' is the sound in 'dumb.' That's what she says to people.

Here is a list of my mother's top 100 favorite conversation topics, starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig.

Wow, maybe you should talk to him, Mom. He seems pretty self-assured.

How were you dressed? Oh, my God.

Yay! Li'I Sebastian! He died last night. No.

We need to send that glorious beast into the great beyond with a display that rivals the Super Bowl half-time show. Also, the budget is $600.

It's just a list of facts. What? Okay, mine says, 'You have a cute butt.'

That's weird. Must be a typo. Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo, because it probably should've said, 'You have a cube butt.' 'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube.

What was that tone? What? Oh, nothing. I'm very sad about this.

Jean-Ralphio is a clown. This is the memorial for Li'I Sebastian, not double-coupon night at a strip club. First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value.

How long have you been sleeping with Ben? What? How long have you been sleeping with Ben? That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get... Why would... I... I've never had sex with anyone anywhere.

Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, facewise. And how... How do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off. Hmm. Check and mate.

Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open. Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very... special relationship...

In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'I horse, spread your wings and learn to fly. Horses don't fly. That's why I'm telling him, 'learn to fly.'

I won the MacArthur Genius Grant. Yeah. Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about.

No, they were out. So I just got a big thing of lighter fluid. It's kind of the same thing. Huh? Oh! We planned that! Wow, wow!

Absotootly, I am. Very sorry that I just used that word.

Leslie's confident 'Nope' after being asked about scandals

Multiple 'Yay!' exchanges followed by 'Wait. What does that mean about you and Ben? I don't know. I think it's going to be really bad.'

Uh-oh! Do you want to go back to saying 'yay'? Yes, please. Yay! Yay!

Hey, Ron. Move. Oh, jeez.

How do you feel about my stance on Egyptian debt relief? It probably won't come up in a local city council election.

While other girls were playing with Barbies, I was playing with a Geraldine Ferraro action figure, that I made myself from a picture of her that I glued onto a Popsicle stick.

Ladies. Just ladies. Meeting for the ladies' yacht club. Anchors away, ladies.

Oh, Ann. You beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby.

A penis. What? Oh, my God. Oh. It's emailing me, too.

Well, frankly, Perd, it's not that big a deal, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean, but it had the cadence of a joke.

Well, I started crying because he gave me an eclair. And then we made out and spent the night together. But this morning, in the cold light of day, I cooked breakfast and we made out some more.

Wow! You opposite of broke up with him. He gave me an éclair, Ann.

UP high. Anyone? Ron isn't here. His ex-wife, Tammy, came, and he got scared and ran away.

Well, as acting manager of the Parks Department, I declare that everything you are saying is stupid. Hah! I love you.

So, take it. But, working at a start-up can be kind of risky. So, don't take it. But Tom told me to follow my dreams. So, take it. But this isn't my dream. So, don't take it.

I don't know what to do. Me, neither. You give such good advice. Babe, I love you. You're welcome.

Do you need to get that? No, it's just penises.

I would like a glass of red wine, and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as we like to call it here.

I'd really love to shoot a gun right now. Fishing it is.

I figure we build a fire, roast the fish we shot, and make s'mores. I don't have the material for s'mores. I do. I always carry emergency s'more rations in my car.

You know, when I was 12, my brother shot me in the pinky toe with a nail gun. Granted, it was a hilarious prank, and we all had a good laugh.

You only have nine toes? I have the toes I have. Let's just leave it at that.

Sorry. That was uncalled for.

Will you pledge right now not to raise taxes? I think that's premature. No pledge, no vote.

It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for a commitment. I just don't like you anymore. I know it's hard to hear that, but You're boring. And, frankly, you disgust me.

Leslie, there was a dude in the ladies' yacht club. Yeah, but I covered that pretty well.

Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors. Thank you. Honey, your breasts look amazing.

Budgetary Thunderdome

Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and, or, wet themselves

Jail, Ron. Ron, jail. Jail, Ron. Jail. You could go to jail. Jail. Jail. Jail.

Don't worry. I will think of a better name for it by tomorrow

This one says, 'I bought supplies 2007'

That is Walt Morphling. He was the Director of Public Health, but he had to retire at 46 because he had diabetes

Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts

She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her

Yesterday, she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with her. Oh. That's great. And how is that going to help? Not sure

In that last one, I left a nanosecond of a pause between the words 'together' and 'we'. It felt much better

Okay. First of all, it's disturbing that you wrote a memo at all

When Ron falls for Tammy Two he turns into a demonic sex maniac. But this? Neutered wimp? This is worse

You gold digger. You are literally a gold digger

Okay, well, that's definitely Ron's mom

Marvin clonse. Glenn Close

Shh! Go to bed, Jimmy

Ron, your family is weird

we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns

One could say that. But should one?

the lesbian Afro-Norwegian funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord

Oh, wow. They are terrible. Yes, they're quite awful, but they are lesbians. So...

I started thinking about you as a woman and as a person, and I got carried away.

Well, she's not going to 'getch' me.

Oh... Oh...Whoa! Where should... Over here? Back here? Where is it now? Come on. Stick it. Ooh! Hang on Stick the sticker. No, no, no. Not so fast. Put it on.

We received a tip that you, Leslie 'Born and Raised' Knope, were not born in Pawnee. What? Gotcha!

I have to tell you. This feels like 'Gotcha' journalism. In what way? That way. You put 'Gotcha' on my face.

Oh, God. Not the 'Gotcha' dancers.

You should go back where you came from. I am back from where I came from. That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China!

13% think I'm crazy-eyed? What? Why?

Eagleton is the land of rich, snobby jerks. There's a whole chapter about it in my book. I could write a second book about Eagleton and how stupid it is. And I'd call it, Eagleton: The Land of Rich, Snobby Jerks

Take it down a notch, Alexis. I need a copy of my birth certificate.

I also got this dude's briefcase. It was just laying there. Kind of a panic move. I believed in you. But you should put that back. Okay.

I'm from Eagleton.

I'm the liar. I'm worse than a liar. I'm an... Eagletonian.

Damn it. He's right. Well said. Thanks, Ron. You're welcome, Steve.

When I was nine years old, I broke my arm sledding on that giant hill behind Kernston's Rubber Nipple factory. You know, Nipple Hill.

Do you remember when you peed your pants in second grade? Why did you bring that up? I said yes. You stuck your underwear in your drawer and you got real embarrassed, and then the teacher came over and pulled them out? And everybody called you 'the gerbil' because you always smelled like soiled wood chips?

But somewhere, in some town, there really are the best waffles in the world. So delicious and rich and golden brown that anyone who tasted them would decide never to leave that town. Somewhere, those waffles exist. Why can't it be here?

He just seems so happy. I didn't say anything.

To Abigail, Flyest Hairstyle. And Ann gets the badge for Second-Flyest Hairstyle.

Oh. I wasn't competing for that. / I'll say.

Oh, my stars! I'm just a little lady. My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors.

Who is Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf.

I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can. Right, Ron?

and then a puppet show about the Bill of Rights set to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus.

I would give myself a merit badge that says, 'Best Club Founder,' but I don't have one. So, I'm going to give myself, 'Prettiest Eyes,' as a placeholder.

I secretly always wanted this badge, so it works out great.

I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud.

Is this the Pawnee Goddesses? I've got the puppies you ordered. / Oh, the puppies for the puppy party that we're having in our cabin? Those puppies? / What? No...

I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior. Queen of all that I survey. Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.

But it feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me. That came out wrong.

From Kernston Rubber Nipples. The Nipple King.

Ted Flirtman or Rex Baggs... I made up both those names.

That's because I don't hate myself, Tania.

Look, I don't like to throw around the word butt-head too often. If you call everybody a butt-head, then it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.

Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium.

You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here, 'cause you're gonna need another nipple.

I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning... With the company, Tom.

Well, hindsight is 20/20. Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.

Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful, tiny little person.

Again, Andy, you don't need to bow.

Turns out, when you think the world is ending, you don't aim so carefully in the Porta-Potties.

Well, they figure if people criticize them, it'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable. That's weirdly brilliant.

They've said that the world is gonna end 15 times, and the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow.

These people live on planet Nutbrain.

Ben and I don't hang out much these days. Big deal. Lots of people don't hang out. Jerry and April. Obama and Madonna, probably.

It's a little long. Okay. Zorp Shmorp. Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat as Citizens Spend Pleasant Evening Enjoying One of Pawnee's Finest Parks. Somehow longer.

He's a man, and he's a worker, and he is... We've never discussed sex, so... We've always just been very business-like, so your guess is as good, nay, better than mine.

She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married, and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt. Or he's going to be really progressive and change his name to Ben Wyatt Malwae-Tweep. God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.

Oh, my God. I know that move. They're going to have sex in five minutes.

Keep your pants on. What? I mean, keep your pants on, girl. I mean, those are really nice pants. I really like your pants. Where did you get them?

Because you can't go. I mean, what if you're not here when Zorp shows up? Boy, would your face be red.

And full disclosure, I think they're bonkersville.

That was very strange, what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.

Do you want to play a fun game with me that I made up called ChessRisk? It's half-chess, half-Risk, and it takes 15 hours to play.

Oh, my God! What? I forgot I have a thing I need to show you. Oh. I need to bring you there right now. It's so amazing. It's going to freak you out.

This gas station was owned by Mick Jagger.

But I think the most likely explanation is that legendary Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger owned this gas station from 1951 to 1958.

If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him. Well, that's significant. The problem is, Leslie, the world is not ending tomorrow. The sun's going to rise right over there. It will be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.

If it makes you feel any better, Leslie, we'll all be dead in 20 minutes. That does make me feel better. Thank you, Herb.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep thinks you're cute. What? That's why I took you to Mick Jagger's abandoned gas station. Because she thinks you're cute, and I was afraid you guys were going to make out and have babies.

Oh, well, Shauna is not here. Oh. See what I did? I do. I'm very sneaky.

Well, math is hard.

Um, oh, on the 19th, we can't give you the park. We have a Spring Spectacular free ice cream giveaway. I misspoke. Yeah, it's May 20. That is free. Okay. Thanks. End of world. May 20th.

Oh hey, Ben. Have you seen my complete collection of all 193 national flags? Ooh! Here they are.

I kinda want to roll up my sleeves and make geopolitical problem-solving my bitch.

Andy, will you be Iceland? / The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2?

How 'bout Germany? / They've never been the bad guys.

And I'll be the Moon. / No, you're gonna be South Africa or Pakistan. / I'm the Moon, or I quit.

Fine. You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon. / The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.

Look! I'll let you be America. / And teach kids that not only is government good but that there should be a World-wide super-government? I'd rather sand down my toenails.

I really wouldn't describe myself as a Model U.N. legend. I'd go with icon. Or hero.

But Ben and I have so much in common. I mean, we're amazing friends. And friendship is better because friends help you move. They drive you to the airport. Boyfriends just... love you and marry you.

Under-exaggerate much, France? Ha ha! Nice!

Well, how about me make it a cool 40?

Or, as they say in Denmark... 'I'm back.' Most people speak English.

The nation of Denmark would like to formerly request a summit with the nation of Peru over there by the refreshment table. Because the nation of Denmark needs a juice box.

You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like a buffet. / Why not?

Due to a recent betrayal, my homeland, the great state of Denmark, has officially decided to declare war on Peru. Scandinavian brothers, on my signal. Unleash hell!

the only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

How do you know about Camp David? / How do you know about camp David?

Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them? / Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.

The nicest room in City Hall by a factor of like a million.

Passion is what makes for good treaties... Good relationships... Good pizza. Good friends. Good everything. Including wars.

So, you're saying you want me to choose a new font? Yes, essentially, I'd like you to choose a new font.

Jerry, you're number three. There's only two of us.

It is point-zero-zero-zero zero-zero-three square miles.

But guess what, Terryville sucks old car tires and so does Martin Luther... No. He does not suck old car tires.

So, please join us for the grand opening of Pawnee's smallest park on November 12th, 2070.

I once hosted a forum about a new bike rack that lasted seven hours. Now, when I need these people to complain, they're done in 45 minutes?

I do, Joe. Yeah, that's how I know just how high this conspiracy goes.

Well, then, you should call me a bulldozer rather than a steamroller.

The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you call that? Roller? Probably.

There is another option. We could just say, 'Screw it,' and do this thing for real.

Are you hugging me, or are we fighting? Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know.

Well, I wanted to get here early, you know, get a feel of the room. - So you got here-- - 3:00 A.M.

Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful. - You're welcome. - I was talking to him. - Of course. - But also to you.

For me, a slap on the wrist is like a kick to the nuts.

His nickname was 'Old Stone Face' because of his steely demeanor and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry and dynamite blew up his face.

Well, you're radiating pure joy. I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums. And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.

In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, which was a class 'A' felony. Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it, and she nobly accepted her punishment-- to be set adrift on Lake Michigan like a human popsicle.

The night we returned was the first time we kissed each other on each other's mouths. It was excellent. That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry. I'm nervous.

I received adorable nicknames and amazing back rubs. Oh, you mean professionally. No.

Andy, I need evidence. - Got it! Wait! You don't know what evidence. Ah, right on. Yes. Hit me.

Where are you looking? Look here, focus here. Get the files in the drawer, and then get all the file boxes in the office. Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. - No. - Okay, I'll go with him.

I don't know the names of the other department heads. I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office?

But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed. You go down in history as a frozen whore.

Don't silence him. Just make sure he can't talk.

That's Y-A and 18 'Y's and 44 exclamation points.

In a world on the brink of financial meltdown... In a town unlike any other... An adorable man with a cute face and the future president of the United States-- what?--

Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night! Aah! And I learned how to use iMovie. Call me later! Bye!

I've seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order, and it's paying off big-time.

And by the way, we got the gramps-- grants. God! Oh. It was gonna be such an awesome moment.

Is it ethical for a court stenographer to bet on the outcome of a hearing? You tell me. You're the one on trial.

9301 Cedarcrest Dr-- - Beep! I didn't hear that. 9301 Cedarcrest Drive!

Oh, interesting tidbit-- I once bribed him to keep my relationship with Ben quiet.

I would like to request a 55-day recess.

This is a nasal spray. Give me the flash drive. Give me the nasal spray.

I'm inventing a new spice called 'sal-gar.' It's part salt, part sugar.

What could that possibly be good on? Butterscotch pudding.

You might want to stop saying 'resigned in disgrace.' Especially during job interviews.

I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the 'Watch the Throne' tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead.

And Elizabeth, I got you a Knope 2012... Menorah...Maybe? No. No, okay. Then I got you a tree ornament.

In fact, while I was in that meeting, I was also planning my mother's birthday party in my head. Strawberry margaritas! Another use for sal-gar!

You're putting an awful lot of sal-gar on your pasta. This is just sugar.

I can hear you breathing, and, yes, you can finish her pasta. Thank God. I'm so hungry. Mmm, it tastes like froot loops.

Like the drug PCP, we are so fast-acting and powerful, we should be illegal.

How amazing can he be if he got suspended? Pretty damn amazing, Diane. Now shush.

There is no strategy to chutes and ladders. It's just luck. My daughter's five. Well, your daughter is an idiot.

Speaking of which, the fact that yahtzee is not in the rec center is a tragedy on par with human trafficking. Slight exaggeration...

God, Diane, will you stop it with the letter-writing campaign? No.

But there are only 12 of us. 13. Look! Our numbers are growing!

My pleasure. See you in hell!

You're polling at 1%. What? No. That can't be right.

You know, the last delicious sip of a milkshake at the bottom of the metal milkshakey thing?

I'm gay. Well, never mind then.

Your suspension's been lifted. Please, come back to work. Thank you.

This year, though? My friends won. In fact, I got my ass handed to me.

Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.

You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands. No, I haven't. You haven't? No. You will. You're that good of a nurse.

Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago. Wow, you're doing a really bad job.

Are most murders committed by highly-trained, professional assassins? No. They're committed by friends and co-workers.

That analogy was way better in my head.

Well, well, well. Look who's ahead of the curve. I was joking. You should soak that in bleach and burn it.

See? There's more things to look at on the Internet besides naked guys, Ann.

The jitterbug, stagecoaches, Herman Munster.

He must dunk, Ann. Do whatever it takes. Yeah, anything short of sexual favors.

Although, I am a little offended that you wouldn't do that.

You know that I'm going to pay all the fines. I'm in the middle of a campaign rally. And this is my team. I need them. Please.

Anyway, the important news is that he's here. Good. Is he going to dunk for me? I'm not sure. I couldn't hear through all the crying.

Oh, damn it, Jerry. You just had to do your job, didn't you?

Together, we can defeat obese children.

Well, I can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign, it will be interesting.

Pistol Pete, everybody. Still got it.

This team has a lot of heart and zero know-how.

ALL THE THINGS MAKE ME FEEL A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF.

WHAT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I AM EXCELLENT AT BOWLING. ASK RON.

I'M JUST REMINDING MYSELF TO TELL RON TO TELL YOU HOW GOOD I AM AT BOWLING.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES A FUN TUG-OF-WAR WITH A DOG OVER A CHEW TOY TURNED CONTENTIOUS. ONE OF US ALWAYS ENDS UP MAD.

I DID SOME RESEARCH TOO ABOUT THE GUY WHO SAID THE THING ABOUT ME AND BOWLING, AND HIS NAME IS DEREK.

AND GET THIS--HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A BOWLER. HIS AVERAGE IS 132, ACCORDING TO THE MOST RECENT AVAILABLE DATA.

WOULD THEY DEIGN TO SAY SUCH THINGS TO WOODROW WILSON OR BENJAMIN DISRAELI-- OKAY, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH. ASK RON.

OH, I WOULDN'T KNOW. I'M NEVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS WITH THOSE THINGS.

COME ON, BIG GIRL. LET'S KNOCK THESE LITTLE PINS DOWN.

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M THINKING ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE. I'M TRYING TO MAKE THE PICTURE BIGGER BY INCLUDING THIS GUY IN IT.

I'LL JUST SAY HI TO HIM, SHAKE HIS HAND, BUY A HIM A FEW BEERS, SHARE A FEW LAUGHS, BOWL A FEW FRAMES, LOSE INTENTIONALLY TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD, FRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK. AND BY THE END OF THE NIGHT, HE WILL BE MINE.

WHOA, 'THAR' SHE BOWLS.

OH, NO. NO, I'M JUST-- I'M JUST BEING CAS.

REALLY? WHO KNEW? I KNEW.

THAT'S HOW I MOTIVATE MYSELF, YOU KNOW? NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

THESE BEERS ARE AS COLD AS THE TUKTOYAKTUK WINTER ROAD.

YOU WATCH ICE ROAD TRUCKERS? YEAH, DUDE. IT'S MY GUILTY PLEASURE.

MAN, MOVE OVER, PINS. THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN. YOU ARE SO DOWN WITH STRIKES, THEY SHOULD CALL YOU NORMA RAE.

WHO'S THAT? IT'S A... SALLY FIELD MOVIE ABOUT UNIONS. DOESN'T MATTER.

AH, CLASSIC DEREK WITH THE ZINGS. MAN, THAT'S WHAT BOWLING IS ALL ABOUT--HEY.

I REALIZE THAT, BUT I WILL KNOCK DOWN THIS PIN, AND THEN THIS PIN WILL KNOCK DOWN ALL THE OTHER PINS.

CLASSIC DEREK.

FOR REALS, CAN I COUNT ON YOUR VOTE?

I AM A REALLY GOOD BOWLER. ASK RON.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE DEREK'S ASS TO MY FOOT.

YEAH, WHAT'S UP NOW, HUH?

AW, YOU GOT A SPARE. THAT'S SO CUTE.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

DID YOU WRITE DOWN HOW AWESOME IT WAS?

WELL, THE HEADLINE I WOULD'VE GONE WITH IS 'NO-STRIKE-BOWLING BOWLER STRUCK BY KNOPE'S STRIKING BEAU.'

NOT TODAY. I DON'T DESERVE IT.

BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I DO NEED MORE WHIPPED CREAM. MA'AM.

AND HE CALLED ME BY MY SECOND LEAST FAVORITE TERM FOR A WOMAN

AND MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND I MADE OUT A LOT AFTERWARD. AH, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.

IF YOU DO NOT VOTE FOR ME, MY BOYFRIEND MIGHT BEAT YOU UP.

Josef Stalin Dies? That's right, Mom. And you replaced him. Not in terms of genocide. Just in terms of, you know, being on Earth.

Dear Congress. It's Leslie again.

Oh, Ann. You beautiful spinster. I will find you love.

Great attitude, Ron. Sorry. I was talking to these ribs.

Just tell us the damn word. Effervescent.

Quick question about Ann. Does anyone know if she has any Indian in her? No one respond. No one say anything. Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. Silence. I don't think she does. Would she like some?

Yachter Otter? Yep. Two months ago, I have a dream about a playboy otter lost at sea, and you make him real? I love it.

Oh. A bomb? It is a cryptex, like in that movie The Da Vinci Code, which was the first movie that you and I ever watched on Starz HD.

You hired a male escort. A what? Please get your gigolo out of here.

Are you kidding me? No. You brought Orin? Ann is not some weird morose mummy. Offense intended, Orin.

What's this? 'P Hut.' Pizza Hut. Hold on. Hi. How cute are you?

What if she was my personal best? No. Your best is still ahead of you. I am 44 years old. You don't look a day over 30. Most people say 25. Who says that? A lot of people.

And you tossed her out like day-old chowder.

You're going to throw them on the roof again so I can't leave. You know me too well.

Ann, you tricky bastard.

I really tried to make that hard. Yeah. I'm very impressed with you.

Screw romantic dinners. Let's go rub it in their face. God, I love you so much.

April. Hey. April. Tom and Ann are on a date. I know. What do you mean you know? How do you know? Because I set them up.

You're a very nice person. No. Yes, you are. A very nice person. Bye.

Yeah, but I love passionate speakers and Italian men. Doesn't mean I love Mussolini.

Scottish? White. Whatever you are.

I absolutely do not want to solve a series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. I got it, Ron. Good. I do want that. Please do that for me.

May I say that the boys in blue... Don't. Stop. ...are heroes. Obviously, some more than others. Oh, boy. Here it comes. 9l11. And we're walking.

Ooh, that sounds like an Ashley Judd movie.

I'm still in love with you. What did you just say? Nothing. I did... Nothing. Nothing was said.

I think I'm going to take a little go outside.

Well, I'd like to talk to Ben. And then, I'd like the three of us to talk together. Well, then, I'll talk to Ben, and then you, and then I'll talk to you. And then you'll talk to each other, and then we'll all three talk, then.

He's shrimpy. And he's small. Shrimpy or not, he's smart and he's cute and he's kind and he's funny. He's got a great face and nice hair, and he's... Okay, that's... I get it. I surrender.

A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face.

You're not waiting. No. It feels like you're being overly respectful of all these cops, and you're letting them go in all in front of you. No, no, no. I'm just standing here.

Oh, Ann, you beautiful, rule-breaking moth.

Boss, I need your Herbie Hancock on this. Outside.

But it's great exercise... But it's a pain in the ass.

Parks is inside. Campaign is outside. Parks is inside. Campaign's outside.

Ooh, you know what would make it more fun? - What? - Oh, my God, this.

Well, I have time to spare. I'm also volunteering at 'Wheels For Meals On Wheels.' We repair vans for 'Meals On Wheels.'

Or I own four identical versions of the same sweater. No, you don't, there's an old lollipop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday.

That's the style now, Ron. It's called 'lollipopping.' All the kids are doing it.

I accept your apology, I will not take a sabbatical, as we agreed, and we will never discuss this again.

64 divided by 4 is-- 16. 64. So we're gonna throw him a Sweet 16 surprise party.

Let's start a pool. Who wants retired? Who wants dead? Dead. No. I got one dead. No.

Crow for dinner tonight, Mr. Swanson?

Guys, someone was supposed to invite Jerry. It's his surp-- Crap, it was me. I forgot to invite Jerry.

By the end of the night, you are going to take a bite of Jerry's cake, which incidentally, we need to pick up on the way home, and you are gonna say, 'sabbatical, schmabbatical. Leslie can do it all. She's the best, and I'm stupid.'

You don't need to read the whole thing. 9u/09230023-- 099twposter-- it does say that. .jpeg. Jpeg. Yes, Walter, it does say that.

We didn't get to the drug store for my liver medication. Well, you should've thought about that before we dragged you out of the bath, Jerry.

How old were you? 11.

Amazingly, yes. Muncie, Indiana.

He's like a brilliant, sexy, little hummingbird.

What did you just say? Nothing. Keep up the good work. You're doing great. [Chuckles]

The 'grond' father, he's like-- It doesn't matter. He's important, and he's old.

Please don't get up. Don't worry. I can't. Just joking. I can get up. But it's difficult. But I can do it, but it is hard.

Look, I don't have a lot of time. Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Is it... cancer? No, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.

Not enough ramps is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors... Right behind 'everything hurts' and 'I'm dying.'

Like I always say, stairs are a young man's game.

She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell. That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind, but as woman, all I care about is your slight but powerful body.

Hello, Marta. We would like our regular table, but we want you to set it up a little fancier than normal because we're trying to impress someone. You mean Ms. Barkley. She's already here. Last booth.

Do you know Joe Biden? Oh, mm-hmm. He's on my celebrity sex list. Well, he is my celebrity sex list. Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe. [Laughing] Oh, no. I don't-- I don't think I can.

I'm Leslie Knope and when I grow up, I want to be a unicorn princess or a city councilor. Wrong. Not in my town, kid. City council's a real job for a real adult.

And I should listen to you always because you are a man genius with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy, elf king.

Yoo-hoo. I'm over here. Just about to start my presentation. I-- uh-oh, stairs. What do I do? How do I get from here to there? I'm not a professional mountain climber.

He's making out with some floozy in Majorca. Sorry, I wish I was better at this. Then you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca.

You two-faced, carpetbagging-- Hi, Leslie. Good to see you. Hi, nice to see you, too. You are a two-faced, carpet-- You want anything? Anything? It's on me.

Let me get my insults out. I've been practicing it the whole way over here.

It's 'Perd,' first of all, and no. Maybe. No. That's not a terrible idea.

JJ's doesn't have a cappuccino maker. Oh, it does now. I bought them one. Course you did.

Or maybe she thinks that we think that she thinks that, so we won't do it. But she knows that I know that she knows that-- She's in our heads.

I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.

Leslie's fashion show while Ben tries to prep her for interview

But I bet these pants will work for the public

Maybe we should see if he can pull that rod out of his butt and we can hang some of those outfits on it

Come on, did anyone even get hurt?

It's like dealing with a strict mother who I am confusingly attracted to

Ben is like a MILF

I'm watching Murder She Wrote. Murder She Wrote. I'm watching Murder She Wrote.

We are so 'drucky.' I mean 'lunky.'

'Helpy' to hop out

friendly faces and hand-working hards-- hardworking hands

Well, like I said, I don't want to discuss it, Buddy, and, frankly, I don't appreciate your condescending tone. But you know what? I've had a couple drinks, so what the hell?

Yes, when you have a jumbo Margarita and some flaming Tequila shots, you can get drunk

This-- this is not because I'm drunk. This is because of the wire.

And sheep don't eat it

I love you so much... to his apartment.

He's deeply in debt. But you know what? Who cares?

If you hear any of them talking about that blonde pain in the ass, that's me.

Our department is the only thing between her and a life of tube tops and tribal tattoos and barfing in hot tubs.

Oh, really? Is this politics? [hits Ben]

I adopted 32 cats and dogs.

Is that a pig? Yes, that is a pig.

The pig ate your noise canceling headphones.