April Ludgate

Is this fun for you? Yeah, it's so much fun.

Hey, kids. That's another good one. Hey, brendanawicz. You gotta come check this out. Leslie took us out to that pit in lot 48 and she fell inside. And we have some awesome photos.

He runs weird.

Let's blow on each other's faces.

Can you do that? Why? Please, April! This is serious! Can you do that? Probably.

Hi. Uh, I'm a youth in the community and I think a new park is a great idea. And I fully support it, as would the rest of the youth in the community.

No. / Who do you think's got me beat? That guy Hashish at City Planning?

I just played 'lexicons' for a billion points. / No, no, no, no, no. What? I was letting him win, dumbass.

Natalie, it's your sister. Pick me up or I'm gonna draw all over your jeans.

I think you should go to jail. Think about what you've done.

Because I was waiting for my sister and I was bored, and my hair looked really good.

He's like the gayest person I've ever met. But I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Derek is gay, but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

Get my lunch for me, please. Okay, like order you something? No, get it... from there.

Do you live here? Yeah, do you live here? Catch.

I went home, but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you, so I came back.

AIDS? No, I'm safe. Blindness? Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee? I have a hernia. Do you have syphilis? I said it's a hernia. I know. It's possible to have two things.

But I rode my bike, so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon.

The coffee's $7.

Just bump that clown. Tell him they already have an Asian judge.

Hello, I'm April Ludgate. I'm 20 years old, I like... People... Places... And things. And Pawnee is my favorite place in the world.

Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.

Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen. Listen up while I talk about some really important stuff. Parks, parks... Michelle Obama, parks. Gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks.

What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence? - It won't cover a whole fence, but it'll defray the cost considerably.

Oh, my God. I quit.

No, I didn't win. But at least I didn't make any new friendships.

My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

Can you help me out a second? Go away, Jerry.

They're a committee to humiliate and shame America.

It's okay, I guess. He has, like, 5 million rooms. And this is only his guest house.

It's better than my mom's house, I guess.

$20 to Netflix. $20 to Blockbuster Online. Both?

I needed all 11 discs of gossip girl at the same time.

$120 in tuition to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They give you a little wand and a diploma, it's fun.

What'd you major in? Potions.

You know what? I think someone stole my credit card so cancel it. Don't refund anything.

So... What does a man-pillow look like? Daniel Craig. It's for my lower back.

You live in a pit. Not anymore. Living with the drummer of my band. Living indoors. Pretty cool. Not to brag. Kinda hard not to.

Who's not invited, then? Hey! What's going on, cupcake?

Can't wait to see how tiny your costume is.

You're not. Hey. Yeah, I'm gonna leave. Oh. Okay. This isn't that fun.

I'm gonna take this home. Nobody was drinking it, so I'm gonna take it. Okay. Gonna take this, too. Been meaning to read it.

April, stop that. Who are you texting? / You. / She's texting me.

Sorry you're bored.

That is a beautiful sweater vest. You look like you could use $20. Am I right? 'Cause you're a kid and kids always need money.

Well, I'm too classy to say I told you so, donna. So I wrote it on a post it.

This is a human-sized hamster wheel that will be next to the mural, if we can get one, and it'll be spinning, and there'll be like a fat guy in it all the time like screaming and like eating raw beef and like bleeding, and like blood will come out of his mouth and stuff.

I have one question. Why? / If you have to ask, you don't get it.

You want me to dial a number, and then read another number out loud? Can you handle this?

Cool.

I've been on hold for an hour. I really have to pee. Can you sit here and just listen?

You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous. I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?

I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey, and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

Tom is the only cool person in the office.

Brokeback Mountain DVD. No. Fellows love that. No. Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps?

Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? How would that help? I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.

First idea, spray tan gift certificates. Ugh. No. Trip to Germany?

Although that's pretty much why I broke up with Andy. He lived way too close to me.

So?

This looks like an ad for nothing.

If anyone comes to see you, I'll scare them away.

Hey, it's me, Justin. Take my coat. But please, be careful. I got it from the king of Africa when we were walking on the Berlin Wall together.

Shake my hand. Why? I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much. I don't want to creep Justin out. I want him to respect my handshake.

Ew! It's like touching raw chicken. Damn it. Gonna have to re-foliate them.

Yeah. He's actually kind of awesome. You're underage.

Hey, these old bags paid for some entertainment, So get... No, you're right. Up there.

Are you guys-- Never mind. Why do you care? I don't.

God, why does everything we do have to be cloaked In, like, 15 layers of irony?

Then I'll make out with ben. Pass. No, he's my boyfriend. You can either make out with both of us or none of us. Fine. None of you. Fine.

Also, The Bag of Smells was a fun experiment, but it has to stop.

April, you're like an angel with no wings. So, like, a person?

Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage. What? And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago. Ah! That close! It was almost perfect.

Can I read your mail? / No. Please, don't. / Fine.

Don't let Tom make a copy. / That's right. Good.

I don't like Ann. / Become friends. Who knows?

Yo, police! / No, you're not. Coffee!

I only ever bring you coffee. / And it is my very favorite non-alcoholic hot drink, except for hot tea. And hot orange juice, weirdly delicious.

Not because I'm pissed at Andy, which I'm not. Because I care so deeply about possums. / Because they're so adorable.

Baby meerkats do not start foraging for food until about one month old.

It must love tacky pictures of flowers.

Oh. April. / He'll forgive you. / You think so? / Yeah.

And, April, any time you want to talk about boys... / Oh, my God! Stop!

Possum. There was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.

And it went into your laundry and your kitchen, and it touched all your bras and I'm so sorry. It's our fault.

April, run! / Run, April. Sorry, Ann! I love you!

Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?

Wouldn't it be karma if we were the ones that got mugged? Yeah. That's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right.

So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right? No. Just check in with him.

I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. Score. Yeah. It tastes like a rug. Shut up. Don't hit me.

Do you want the salmon or the 'twout'? Twout! Twout! Twout! Twout!

Damn. You broke up six weeks ago.

Can you photoshop your life with better decisions, jerry?

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are.

Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We're all struggling for definition In a world that resists our inquiries.

that's, like, the boy version of softball.

I'm sorry.

The super old one. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

oh, I want water. I'm so old. I need to drink water.

Their mouths are just so old.

Because I didn't think March 31st existed. ♪ 30 days has September, April, March, and November ♪

I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's currently dead. Oh. I'm his daughter. April Swanson.

Hey, sorry, dude. I don't need your sympathy. Or yours.

My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met.

How about June 50th? You should come back today at 2:65? He's available then. Looks like the only other day he has open is March-tember one-teenth.

We're going to get married and I'm pregnant with his child.

Hey, why don't you forget about the donation and just come down here and meet me in person.

Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll. No. Please leave. Where are you going? Is this guy bothering you? No, I'm bothering you. For bothering her.

Andy guessing 'April' when asked about a song named after a month, and the awkward 'That would have been way better' response

April's deadpan confessional about being 21 and therefore 'the age that pretty much everyone agrees makes you an adult'

April's response to being offered a birthday shot: 'now that it's legal, I've kind of lost interest'

April drunkenly mixing up 'thirsty' and 'weird': 'You know what's thirsty? You know what's weird? How thirsty I get when I'm weird. When I'm drunk.'

April's relief contrasted with Andy's observation: 'For once, it's Ann who blacked out drunk And not Andy.'

I still might not.

I was too busy not wanting to talk to you.

Reverse psychiatry.

It's because whenever I see you talk to Ann or talk about Ann, I feel like you still have feelings for her.

My mom is Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

This is my boyfriend, Eduardo. / No, it's not.

April's reaction beat - silence after claiming she can't do anything because she's sick

Help! This slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow! Stay back, slut!

Leslie came in here and stole my flu medicine and left.

I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall. The door?

What the [BLEEP] is your problem? Whoa, I thought you weren't gonna lose it. While I was on duty, I didn't. Now it's just me.

That's the most I've ever liked Ann.

It's nothing to do with Twilight.

He was a really good bassist. I was actually started to like him. I know. That's what made me start to hate him.

The nice and band totally worked.

You want five million orange post-its.

Hi, Ann. This is April. I'm just calling to let you know that Chris can't make lunch today. I knew you wouldn't care. Good-bye.

This feels almost perfect, but I don't think your core has maximized elasticity. Okay. I'll come back, if you guys are being weird.

That sounds boring. But I have nothing keeping me here. Do you have Internet in your office? Yes. Fine, I'll do it.

It turns out Chris is my real dad.

Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann, then I'm not going to change my mind. But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class, then I'm not going to dumb stop him.

I don't know. I guess we're dating. It's new. Whatever. I don't like labels.

I'm a girl in a sleazy club.

My name? Oprah. I said I want to drink alone.

My dad owns this place. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.

I can smell your dreams, Tom. I can. And I can smell 'em from here. And honestly, they smell fucking terrible.

He's gonna smell your dreams now.

But he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it. / I've done that to multiple men.

Well, I want a billion Teddy bears. / Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million.

Hey, I love you. / Dude, shut up! / That is awesome sauce!

Maybe Li'l Sebastian got upset because he tried to share his true feelings with someone and they didn't reciprocate.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna go look by myself. / Hey, are you all right? You seem super not happy. / I'm fine. / Oh, I forgot to tell you. I might be going to Venezuela tomorrow. Forever.

Camping sucks. It's super-boring. And you can see the stars, which I hate. They're creepy.

It's called the ground when it's outside.

Luxury Dog Park. Do you wanna tell us anymore? - Poodles only. No pooping.

The air is too fresh. It's disgusting. I can't breathe. There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. Shut up!

Great idea. Thanks, white Urkel.

It's pollution from the sweetums factory. - It's gorgeous. - But is it worth the asthma? - No.

Especially since my stupid boyfriend abandoned me!

What the Is a german muffin?

This place is lamer than outside.

And dinner parties do combine two of our favorite things... dinner and parties.

I'm going to. And then I'm gonna divorce him. Then I'm gonna marry him again.

I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool?

We're having so much fun, except for, uh, Roberta here turns out sucks at water-skiing so bad. I'm gonna divorce you.

Who the hell is Forp? I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Forp.

That's my husband.

He seems nice. Eh, he kind of lives in a barn.

Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food? Well, I take Skittles, and I put it between two Starbursts. You know what I call it? Skittle sandwich? That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

I said one thing. Honey? Pinwheel.

Look. Cucumber flower. Wow, that's so cute. Wait, that's a garnish. You're not supposed to eat that. What?

Hard work never pays off. Cooking is dumb. I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

You can't use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal usted. And no electricity after 6:00 P.M.

She's joking. Okay. You can use as much free electricity as you want. - It's free.

if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you've been crying. There's no noise allowed on mondays and no TV after breakfast.

- You want my gum? - Mm-hmm.

We were checking to see if the fire alarm worked. It doesn't.

The biggest challenge to picking the perfect roommate is finding someone who's willing to pay more than their share of rent without knowing it. I think we found that in Ben.

Are you eating turkey chili off of a frisbee? It's pretty cute, right? No. Do you know what 'cute' means?

We already spent your money on a new Xbox 360 and more frisbees to eat off of.

Cool. We'll get to be adults. Gee, golly, thanks, mister.

Or we could buy a Wii. You can handle this. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it? No, I can't. I--I...Have a date. Ooh, what's his name?

Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse? Does it look like me? I don't even-- Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything, 'cause you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that. - So would I.

Oh, plates.

Also, what about your neon gangster fedora hats?

These were for a sick child at the hospital. - Ah.

That was just a list of ways to mess with you. - She do 'em all? - She did indeed.

That makes it sexy. / Can I use a weird voice and try to freak people out?

Janet Snakehole and Bert Macklin introduction sequence

I owe her, like, a million apologies. I think I owe you one, too. I'm sorry. For what? I don't know.

Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking.

But aren't you here now? No.

Who is Jeff Mangum? The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel. Oh! Oh. Neutral Milk Hotel. What is that? That's my favorite band. I've told you that, like, a thousand times.

Oh, boy. Okay. Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music. So, this isn't really about being right. It's more about being supportive. Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.

The pit. Wait a minute. You were in the pit. We all were in the pit.

I actually stole it from his office, but whatever. He's a weirdo.

We're totally gonna do it later! Oh, my God.

I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons, so if any of them pops, you may die.

School.

Is this a nightmare? April, wake up.

You look like a freak. Swivel!

When life gives me lemons, I'm gonna slice them up into wedges and throw them into vodka tonics, which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Well, as acting manager of the Parks Department, I declare that everything you are saying is stupid. Hah! I love you.

I don't know what to do. Me, neither. You give such good advice. Babe, I love you. You're welcome.

You think Bethenny Frankel sits behind a desk all day? She makes $100 million a year. How much do you make a year? $101 million.

One year from now, you, Andy Dwyer, will no longer be a shoe-shinist.

Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors. Thank you. Honey, your breasts look amazing.

Ew! Could we take a peek at it?

Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican. I can handle it

Here we go. Helping Leslie. Okey-doke.

Yeah, actually, in here it says that Pawnee is great. But in reality, it's terrible.

You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool. It's not. Great. I could leave. I could. But I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it.

Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music. And I was wondering if you could recommend anything. The Internet.

I really like your haircut. Where did you get it? Prison.

How is your sister doing? She has the shingles. Who is your favorite character on Sex and the City? ALF.

Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out. Was there a lot of blood? What kind of blade did he use? Three and a half inch. Serrated. Buckets of blood.

It's a pioneer girl watching her grandmother get trampled by buffalo. Yeah. This right here is all the blood coming out of her face.

Blood orphans. No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.

He's going as lame.

I have one sister. We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.

Solve this mystery, genius.

You watch me play Xbox. And then I can watch you make some prank phone calls. We get hammered, make out.

Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life? I just handed it to you.

Just crazy enough to work. Help!

He's stolen my jewels. And now, he's going to ravish my body. And he stinks! He really stinks!

Looks like this Siberian husky is going off to jail. Russian off to jail.

So I'll steal my dad's car. Look, this is a stupid idea, but right at this exact second, we have enough momentum to do something stupid before we realize how stupid it is.

But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries. / But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.

When Ben gets upset, he becomes a really bad roommate. He takes really long sadness baths and makes me late for stuff.

Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.

The only good font is the Sopranos one, where the R is a pistol.

Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers. Women's Studies. Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers.

Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft. - Aw, for me? - Don't sass me.

And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said 'Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer.' What's your question? My question is, what the hell?

Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.

Any woman caught laughing is a witch. That's true.

These are the Black-eyed Peas. And I finally killed them.

My latest attempt to drag this department into the 20th century. Tom, it's the 21st century. I know. I'd settle for getting you into the 20th.

We make a gingerbread version of the office. That's so good! I think the wood model is-- and we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops! That would be so adorable! Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea!

But they do not make silver m&ms, so I spray-painted them. Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.

Cruel, but fair.

Shut up, Ann. I told you never to talk to me. That was Champion. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Bad dog.

My mother's butt.

He shall do it in the car.

It's not a basketball court anymore. It's an ice skating rink.

And, either way, it was his fault, because he was stupid and I hated him.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, JERRY. IT'S SUNDAY NIGHT, I'M MAKING PHONE CALLS TO STRANGERS, AND YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE. MY LIFE COULDN'T BE WORSE.

NO.

[creepy voice] I'M CALLING FROM INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT PRIZE, BUT I'M GONNA WIN BECAUSE I WANT HIS HAPPINESS TO GO AWAY.

NO, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA. IT'S, LIKE, WHATEVER YOU WANT. LIKE, $10. IT DON'T MATTER.

TERRIBLE MOONWALK.

I WISHED FOR HIS HAPPINESS TO GO AWAY. I MIGHT BE A WIZARD.

OH, THE BRAVERY. THE PERSEVERANCE. YOU'RE AN AMERICAN HERO.

YEAH, GOOD POINT.

THEY'RE MOVIE TICKETS, CHRIS. THEY'RE, LIKE, 8 BUCKS. IT'S A GESTURE.

I BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU, ME, AND ANDY COULD GO TO THE MOVIES SOMETIME. JUST TAKE THE STUPID TICKETS. I'M JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.

Well, last week, he was supposed to buy gas, but instead, he bought novelty cookie cutters. Now, everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur. He's amazing.

Ann's not totally hideous. Why does she need our help?

Just tell us the damn word. Effervescent.

Are you kidding me? No. You brought Orin? Ann is not some weird morose mummy. Offense intended, Orin.

Ann would never do anything to piss you off, Leslie. You guys are such close friends. It's lame.

April. Hey. April. Tom and Ann are on a date. I know. What do you mean you know? How do you know? Because I set them up.

This is a small loser town with loser people, and Tom's, like, at least semi-cool.

You're a very nice person. No. Yes, you are. A very nice person. Bye.

Ooh, you know what would make it more fun? - What? - Oh, my God, this.

I really don't care what happens to them... Or anyone.

64 divided by 4 is-- 16. 64. So we're gonna throw him a Sweet 16 surprise party.

Let's start a pool. Who wants retired? Who wants dead? Dead. No. I got one dead. No.

I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and Ann talk about their relationship, but then I remembered that alcohol existed. Thank you, alcohol.

Yes, but I hate them. I know you do, sweetheart.

Oh, you're still here? Yes.

I don't want to do things. I want to not do things, just like you taught me.

Okay... But only because you begged.

If you can't remember what some woman did, just tear up and say 'she changed my life'

I'm surrounded by friends... Friends I don't know yet

It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel... Oh, she drowned immediately

If they got together, they would make the most beautiful super baby. It would rule us all.

Why don't we just say that whoever gets to the emergency first will be in charge?

She referred to this meeting as a non-stop thrill ride.

All due respect, Mr. Hamsterpenis, but no, I don't.

These are blank. Weird.

That would be the coolest thing since *NSYNC, Aerosmith and Nelly performed together at the Super Bowl halftime show.

They should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.

A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings. This one helped Ray Charles around.

Did you know his great-grandfather was Spuds MacKenzie?

No. It's the opposite.

We ended up with more animals than we started with. This is what happens when you try.

Hi. I'm not here. I swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave. I'm not here.

What is that photo? That must come pre-loaded in there or something.

And I will be providing my world-famous $100 lap dances.

Yes, I do, I care about... Andy... And champion.

Uh-oh. Somebody forgot to pay the cable bill. Am I right? / It was me.

I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree with Ann.

Okay, first of all, dark places are awesome. Secondly, Ann is kind of lame, so way to dodge a bullet. And Millicent is Jerry's daughter, so two bullets.

Look at that. Look at that thing. What is that? Don't touch it.

April? Got your message! Where are you? Under the table. Why are you hiding?

A dental hygienist who's also a medium, so I can clean people's teeth and tell them when they're going to die.

Fixed it. What? What? How? Jerry accidentally deletes things all the time. Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.

We were going to have sex. Okay.

Were you talking to my butt? Yes.

Ben, you're fired. It's my office now. Boom!

I love politics. Look. I made a shrimp claw. I'm really proud of you, babe. Now, put your used plate in my purse. I almost have a complete set.

Look, there's a picture. Ah! That's horrifying.

I love him so much.

Papyrus? Are you kidding me? There's no place for that in a professional office setting.

I actually think you look really good, except for the stick up your butt. Who do you think drew it?

All right, April, what's the score? 1,000 to 7.

Sorry, Dad.

12%. 15. For God's sake, I'm asking for 15% effort. It's not supposed to be a negotiation.

Ellis hates you, and he has herpes.

I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around.

And writing Star Trek fan fiction does not count.

Dude, 30 years from now, when you're on your deathbed, what are you going to remember? Organizing files or taking a spontaneous road trip to surprise Leslie?

Actually, no. I don't want to go any more. / Just kidding. / We're not going. / Road trip! / So we're going? / Yes!

My God, that is so interesting to me because I'm a map salesman.

Why aren't we moving? / Because. Other cars.

Benji's Cool Times Summer Jamz Mix

I'm gonna murder you.

We're out of gas.

See how it feels?

But especially me! / Especially everyone. / This was a team effort, really. But I was the best. Thank you. / You were all fantastic. Most of all me, April Ludgate, the real hero. Thank you and you're welcome.

Honey, this is the hat I was wearing the first time I ever heard Vitalogy by Pearl Jam. / Oh, $900. / Yeah, that sounds about right.

I'm not gonna apologize. It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake. / Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad. / Oh, my God, you are so sad.

When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop. But then he ate it first.

It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. No. Yes. It's terrible.

Because I'm dating myself right now. Okay? I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy. Ugh. Why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much?

Pawnee only has two dog parks-- this one and that one, which is also an active parking lot.

He's an animal living on a human farm. And you can go and feed him from your own hand.

I mean, look, there's already a dog here. Oh, my God. I had that exact doll when I was a kid.

Okay. Saw off your pinky toe. No. Shave your head. No. Have sex with Jerry. No.

What's your favorite part? The heavy-handedness.

He gave me a really cool dental mirror to check out my molars.

Moo. Moo. Quiet, weirdo. Aren't you supposed to be a sheep? No. You are.

Really? I just heard one hag booing.

You told me you wanted a dog park. Uh, psych.

Yes, you do. You're a mouse eater. Mouse eater. Mouse eater.

Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.

You just got knoped. And ludgated. And perkinsed.

Wait, wait, wait, do you never just take a second to enjoy things? I just said, 'let's get to work.' How else do people enjoy things?

♪ Jerry Dinner ♪ Jerry Dinner

It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. It's like talking about people behind their backs. Everybody wins

Who's Matlock?

The time he slipped on a cinnabon and landed in a bunch of garbage

I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant

You're so weak, really? I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm

Jerry Filter! Who's Jerry Filter? Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam

Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?

Then I might have to leave early.

This is why I prefer nightmares.

Shut up, Glenn.

Can I take a break? My hands are tired. Uhuh. We paid for an hour. You gonna dig for an hour.

It's kind of weird when she just starts raining compliments on you, huh? Don't try to bond with me.

He really plays white people like a fiddle. Wow. It's amazing to watch.

You know what, I think men are better than women. She's kidding. No, I'm not.

They provide for us, and we must obey them because they are our masters. Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.

What? I love garbage. You ever found a dead body in the trash? Or body parts? Like, a torso or a head? Please say head.

This is Stacy Knoblauch's house. I went to high school with her, and she was super mean to me, and now I know that she dyes her hair. I knew that wench wasn't naturally blonde.

She has to use prescription-strength deodorant. This is the best day of my life.

Look, all we have to do is get some PCP. You can move anything on angel dust. My cousin Hesen, he beat off five cops on that stuff.

So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford... 'Hillary Clinton is great.'

Friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you. So now, I guess we're Park Pals.

Is this gonna be a topless park? I don't think there are topless parks. Well, let's build the first one and be heroes.

This bag is full of Fruit Roll-Ups and baseball cards.

Look, you won't have to pay any extra money, okay? And don't ever call me 'ma'am' again.

Nobody wants your creepy stoner eyes staring at them while they're enjoying a park, okay? Stop being gross.

And if you don't, I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you.

I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.

They were his

I don't want anyone else in this town to get married, because it makes it less special for us

I forge government documents all the time

just a tennis bracelet and a necklace that says 'Wine Chick'

Yes, just do it already

April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano. - Thank you.

You came down here to pass on helping me? Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

He's always sad and sweaty. He's usually happy and sweaty.

Ambulances are dumb. When has an ambulance ever helped anyone?

Then who is it? Well, he is, uh, sitting right here in this courtyard. That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

Good morning, April. What's your secret? I'm thinking about applying to veterinary school in Bloomington. Oh, my God, April, that's great!

- as a janitor... - Nurse.

Because you hooked up with him? I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up.

No, you have to be my friend. No, that is so much worse.

Because you hooked up with him? I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up.

Yao Ming's torso, Napoleon's brain, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame's hunchback.

These braids you did are making my brain hurt.

No, anything you can say to Ann, you can say to me because we're best friends this week.

Hey, let's go put on our pj's and make White Russians. So fun.

This never happened.

A baby-naming book. I hope it works out with Chris. And if it doesn't, I hope it works out with someone.

You see Dr. Richard Nygard? I'm a Nygardian too!

I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker. I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

What's your name? Batman. See? I failed.

Those are personal. No one's allowed to read those.

But only if you divorce Ben. Hey, don't even joke about that. What? I really think he's wrong for you.

Alcohol is delicious and fun...damentally a substance that should not be abused.

I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.

I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.

There shouldn't be a separate Animal Control Department. Its budget is tiny, and it's ineffective, and frankly, no one could change that.

I can write up an official report in language simple enough for even you dummies to understand, dummies.

Can I hire an intern? Not yet. Can I hire a Mexican elf? No. Can I buy a child bride? No. Then how is this even a promotion?

"My spirit blood is on your hands."

"I don't want to seem overdramatic, but I don't really care what happens here."

I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail. Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy.

April's note: "I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail. Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy. Oh. and I'll also steal Ron's watch, just for fun."

We are all out of water, actually. I'll have to use boiling hot milk. Are you really gonna do that? Yes.

Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world. After making out with you.

I made two pile files. [Laughter] Pilo fibles. Ugh. Filo pilos. Filo pilos? That's not right. Are you broken?

Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He's like a giant puppy with no shame.

See you tomorrow, Jeremy. Well, pretty heroic, huh, guys? Hard to make fun of that.

That's right, two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that. The Beatles.

Easy: Most murders per capita. The guillotine was invented here. City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.

I actually think that you should get a 'Hello Kitty' tattoo.

Uh, burn it for the insurance money.

I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.

and instead, just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.

You shined shoes for over two years and never made a profit.

And me, Odie the dog, Garfield's enemy.

Sincerely, Satan.

I need my mitts on those mitts.

According to her Twitter feed, she got coffee five minutes ago. Wait, now she's Ustreaming her walk back. She should be here in three, two, one.

Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- / No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old man's fingernail in my pocket, and a picture of Patrick Ewing on a roller coaster. I'm all set.

I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.

What if I'm a murderer?

Hello again. As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother. / Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore.

Sometimes I wish you went down on the Titanic with all your sorority sisters.

What, Ann? I just stole your phone and texted every guy in it that the baby was theirs. It's not that big of a deal.

And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann. So gross!

- Hey, everybody. - No! No, why? This can't be happening. Why, Leslie?

It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. His name is Larry Gengurch.

My name's April, and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.

She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Like, talking, like, so much forever.

This is, like, the best day ever. I know, I'm eating it all up.

It's Dwayne Wade's house. I got his address off the Internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.

Can I have these question mark stickers? Why? I want to put them on stop signs. April, no!

Oh, we have a new policy. Parks can only be reserved for witch covens or slip-and-slide competitions.

Which one are you? Uh, slip-and-slide competition. Seriously? No.

Why would you even compete in something like that? It doesn't matter.

Tom, this witch wants to reserve a park for her satanic ritual.

Brilliant. The old 'D's without 'B's. Uh, we can definitely help. Yeah, Tom's your guy. He actually used to run the Parks Department in his home country of Russia.

What did you name your imaginary airline? 'Jet Blue Ivy.' I figure Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid will own her own airline eventually.

Tom wants me to tell you that all the screw-ups were my fault, but really, he kept messing up so that you would stay in Pawnee as long as possible because he is super into you.

He's sweet, he's cool, and you're, like, way out of his league, so there's literally no risk for you at all here.

I'm going to murder you a thousand times.

Take a hike, Jerry. / It's Larry now. / Okay. Take a hike, Larry.

Leslie said it was a 'Come As You Were in the Nineties' party. I assumed it was the 1690s.

Babe, if it was the 1690s, we'd all be mummies. / What do you think mummies are? / Skeletons?

I'll karate punch your face with my tongue. / Prove it. / Hi-ya.

Half the documents I get, I put right into the shredder because they're so boring.

Because you are awesome and everyone else sucks.

Did you... / Yes, I used cookies instead of bread.

This says that I'm in charge of the silly skeleton room, when really it should say 'the undead serial killer room.' Who do I talk to about changing this?

Every year, we would dress up like demons and egg Larry's house. / That was you? / Larry, please. We're having a private conversation.

Bert Macklin is not a lifeguard. He's an FBI agent. / Really? That's even harder to believe.

Now I'm sad that I miss Andy and sad that I can't make fun of you to Andy.

But the truth is, I'm very much in love with Ann. / Okay, gross. The spell's broken.

Hi, I'm April. I stole your wallet.

You guys are weird. Thank you.

I want to throw up and kill myself.

Larry, I swear to God, if you leave right now, we will make your spirit dog a miniature schnauzer. Is that bad? Yes!

Because you're pretty and you like makeup and stuff.

1970s funk and 1770s opera and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath after he left for Entertainment Tonight.

Favorite book? Downton Abbey. That's not a-- Downton... Abbey.

In order-- Natural Born Killers, Remains of the Day, and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. Excellent.

I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders.

$8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.

I will give you everything in my purse. $8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.

Andy got back from London two days ago and he still has jet lag. It's really annoying. We're on totally different schedules. Last night he mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning.

As soon as I wake up, he goes down. Hard.

Macaroni and poison. It's like mac and cheese, but with a special ingredient.

I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the joker. But that means you probably shouldn't do it.

I'm younger than you, and I already have my own department. Plus I'm married, and I make more money than you.

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you in a cult? Can I join?

Let's sacrifice Larry

that little dude's wound so tight, he's gonna pop.

What the fuck?

Best prank ever.

R-e-s-p-e-g-c

According to Urethra Franklin

According to Urethra Franklin, that's exactly how it's spelled.

No. We do not

$75,000? How about 300? $300,000? 150. They'll do it.

April: Ann's leaving town and saying painful good-byes to loved ones. Greatest day of my life!

Dark forces, arise! Okay, I didn't plan what we were all gonna say. That's my bad.

April-- Yeah, you saw a lot of potential in me, I'm like a daughter to you, and it was a treat to watch me blossom. Blah blah blah, bye. That is remarkably close to what I was going to say. Also, I'm proud of you.

Donna, are you grabbing my butt? Can you blame me? No!

It's for the raccoons. You have to hiss really loud and stomp your feet so they'll leave you alone. And if one comes close, make yourself really large like a puffer fish.

Well, Michigan has wolverines. Maybe they'll eat your toes.

I made Andy promise that someday we'll move to Transylvania, but that probably won't happen till we're, like, 100.

You have to hiss really loud and stomp your feet so they'll leave you alone. And if one comes close, make yourself really large like a puffer fish.

My going-away present to you will be that I do not make you audibly say that you love me. Thank you.

Thanks for nothing, Donna Meagle. Booooo! With five 'O's.

Well, you overestimated how much I care what happens to Kyle.

Your lipstick looks weird. You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.

Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel.

The Pawnee Journal called it, 'Why would anyone do this?'

You can't lean in to whisper and then yell. That's not fair.

You can't lean in to whisper and then yell. That's not fair.

I just wanted you to have a brief moment of happiness before you got sadder.

You look like Meryl Streep at the end of Ironweed.

All these strangers' insurance information

Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance. Why don't you brag about it?

Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance. Why don't you brag about it?

But I've never been because it's mostly middle-aged women and I'm allergic to turkey neck.

Yeah, yeah. I voted for that one.

Yeah, yeah. I voted for that one.

Should take about two minutes. Just PayPal me some bitcoins when you get a chance.

Cologne for watches.

Ew, my husband, weirdo. Can I get back to work now? Thanks. Bye.

You sound like a tampon commercial.

Wait, I thought you weren't gonna do Galentine's day this year because that she-beast moved away. I believe her name was Satan?

Ooh, I love watching Russian traffic accidents on YouTube while I play children's music at the wrong RPM.

Press the paw. Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you, and everything's gonna be okay.

Mm, you touch me and I stab the bunny.

I'm just an impartial bunny, but I think Ann sucks. Also-- I'm the zodiac killer.

Also-- I'm the zodiac killer.

Prom is nothing but a huge party full of smiling, dancing people enjoying themselves. It's literally my worst nightmare.

Fine. I'll go with you, because Leslie's making us, and we live together, and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.

I tried to jump it over a lake.

I'm April's mom.

Um, I'm gonna go to the girls' bathroom to check the trash cans for babies,

How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?

I was buried in it.

and hiding mops so the janitor would think he was going insane.

I broke the box, and I threw away all the votes, and I voted for you a thousand times.

He's 33, and I'm 47/immortal.

I rigged an election and got kicked out of prom. I can get on board with that.

April: 'I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.'

April claiming she studied at 'The Wine Academy... In Bordeaux'

April wine tasting: 'It's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special... so much pumpkin'

April: 'I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old, dirty cashews from your grandfather's basement, and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.'

April: 'This comes from your mother's butt. Possibly your father's butt... This comes from John McEnroe's butt from the year 3055.'

April wine recommendation: 'Something bold and dry, like David Sedaris.'

April: 'You know in the movies, when the cops show up and find lipstick on a wine glass next to a dead body? This is that wine.'

April: 'I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same. And if you spend more than $5 on wine, you are very stupid.'

April's acceptance speech: 'Norbit, uh, Pluto Nash, all the Klumps.'

I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

You get twice the secrets.

Also, tell me your secret.

Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him and let him carry all your stuff.

Andy, the camo is not working. I can see you.

No. Can't I just stay in the back and spit in people's food like we planned?

Spaghetti, linguine, fettuccine, ravioli, rigatoni, Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna.

We had to throw our menus away because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog's rectum.

I love quitting. When I was a kid and things didn't go my way, I would just take my ball and go home. That's better than winning, 'cause then, your friends can't play anymore!

There's pizza in Pawnee. Right. Thanks, babe. You're so good at reminding me where pizza is.

I like to do nothing with no one. So, thank you and I love you, but no thank you, and I hate you. More I love you.

Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again! Yes! Let's do it. We should do that, right? Yeah, totally. We're getting divorced! Yes! This is amazing!

No. Can't I just stay in the back and spit in people's food like we planned?

We had to throw our menus away because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog's rectum.

Leslie, don't cry. It's not that great. Doesn't even look like you. Or actually, you know what? It kinda does.

What? I gave a kid pee-pants? Yes! That's why I do what I do.

but I like to do nothing with no one. So, thank you and I love you, but no thank you, and I hate you. More I love you.

Andy, we're planning our whole week, like old people! We used to be spontaneous and weird. We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls.

We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls. You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership.

You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership. I won.

We're boring people who bore each other by being boring.

Well, I only have $2 million in the discretionary fund, and I've already used some of it to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in those Mount Rushmore promotions. Which, by the way, attendance has been up. That's not a coincidence.

You ruined it. We have to figure something else out. Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.

I'm gonna take a Zantac. All that salt will give me heartburn. Oh, God. You ruined it. We have to figure something else out. Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.

How about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on. Everybody's fancy jewelry is missing. Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.

How about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on. Everybody's fancy jewelry is missing. Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.

Being responsible adults sucks butts.

It's the creepy warehouse district. It's mostly just raccoons and old car batteries.

You know, I still think Kevin James was a weird choice for the reboot. Oh, I don't. I think he nailed it.

You said your name was Glenn? Yes, I did. That's pretty.

She once gave every member in her audience a car. One car, that they all had to fight for.

Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham. Okay. She thinks she's in Batman.

I'm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.

That it doesn't count as stripping if no one pays you? Yes, she did say that.

And I'm scared of death.

Why is every job just paperwork?

being embalmed by some weirdo who had to go to school for three years just to cut my guts open.

No, I'm not. I've never cared for you.

Executive. Trampoline. Computer. Trampoline.

admission to this museum costs $14.

It's weird and sad and unnecessary.

The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks.

Watermelon, martinis, exposed brick, Keri Russell's hair.

Those kids are me ten years ago, and this internship is the videotape from The Ring. It's too late for me. I've seen too much. But maybe I can save them.

Ugh. Gross. What about you? Why are you here? The only thing I love more than parks is recreation.

What did you want to be when you were little? A scary mermaid that lures sailors to their death.

I'm gonna file papers to adopt you as my child, so keep an eye out for that.

Sweet potato pie, unlikely animal friend pairings, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

You should up your therapy to seven times a week, stop dressing that way, and give me your wallet.

Victor Garber, James Garner, Jennifer Garner.

Do mine first. In case something happens to you, I wanna make sure I get paid. Looking out for number one. Always smart.

Stop, you're making this sound almost too fun.

Voodoo is still an option.

Tiny rolled-up scrolls delivered by trained foxes. I'm on it.

Oh, my God. Where'd you come from? / The floor hole.

Do you think this is my first time working a side job as a wedding planner for a former co-worker?

I mostly have my rage problem under control, but planning is very stressful.

Please avoid my trigger words, 'flowers,' 'schedule,' 'vows,' 'bride,' 'groom,' 'food,' 'love,' 'happy,' 'church,' 'event,' 'wedding,' and 'Craig.'

I am so sorry, Craig. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And I love you like a sister. - Ew.

I told your brother LeVondrious that he is not welcome.

I actually care whether you're having a good time and are happy. It's weird.

I feel like there should be a term for that. Like, 'nicey-meanie.'

And, Ginuwine? - Yes? - Get it together.

Easy peasy. Lemon sneezy.

Typhoon, I am interested, but now is not the time.

You said you wanted a little drama. That's why I love you, girl!

In today's fast-paced society, National Parks are still the best place for full-moon werewolf transformations.

Yeah. Also, you have lipstick on your teeth.

Oh! Well, then, welcome to the Terrordome.

One time, Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.

She'll drown me in the Potomac while she recites facts about the Potomac.

I didn't really make the shirts. But did you, though? Yes, I did.

Distract the guard so the Hamburglar can make his escape.

I do have an appointment with the President.

Polynesian folk music band 'Across the Isle' pun explanation

Looking at me like a crazy person... I see a new home.

I don't want to work in government. I quit.

I had to miss the 'Memorable Rain Gutters of Washington' walking tour, so this better be good.

Now, take your shoes off and wear them like mittens. April. Okay, sorry.

Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin. Which I could do because I am an actual witch with powers and I'm evil...

I want to tell people what to do, and then send them far away from me.

It's weird. I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.

I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.

If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it, and you'll never find it. Cordially, April.

I found this one, but it has a falcon on the top. I'll keep looking. No, that's it! That's it, Andy! Eagle, falcon, whatever. Not whatever. Eagles are more robust, have stronger talents. Didn't go to Bird School much?

I know. And I fished it out, so I can put it on my voodoo doll.

Garry, I take everything back. I hate you.

Oh! Babe. You had a crush on me. That's embarrassing. We're married. Still.

So we're looking for a racist ghost with black hair who likes shoeshines.

Hi Andy, I hate people, but you are okay. It's weird. Woof, woof. April.

Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong. And quiet. And always here when you need it. Or whatever.

Andy, where is it? / What? Uh-oh. / I took it out to play hide and seek. I couldn't find it.

Known locally to Venezuelans as 'The Devil's Fist.'

Oh, no, I lost it. The day planner's gone. I can't find it anywhere. / Fitting, really.

Fitting, really.

Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced yourself and destroyed an entire town.

We're born, we survive as long as we're useful, and then we're killed, either by our body's natural decay or by those younger and stronger.

Really? So you were born in the 1990s? Ooh! Mmhmm.

Ugh. Being nice made me feel terrible.

Hey, it's pizza time. And you've lost it.

I'm a cool dudette. Hey, it's pizza time.

Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, 'Ew.'

Shotgun! W-we're just taking the elevator. I get to push the buttons! I called it!

Did you eat all the candy? No! Did you? Yes. But that's not what's wrong.

Oh, I'm Sandra Dee... O'Connor. Get it? Sandra Dee plus Sandra Day O'Connor? Who's Sandra Dee? Who's Sandra Day O'Connor? Forget it.

All right. Let's play. Really? No.

You think that's the only time we had sex? Yes!

But Andy and I are cool already, so our kids will be, like, really lame and weird.

Burt Macklin Jr.? Mm. We need a Halloween angle. How about Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?

Hey, all my data suggests that the country is definitely trending calzone. Yeah. Ugh. The worst.

Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night? Once again, they are my biological children. Once again, I don't believe you.

April's reaction to the missing tarantula

Known locally to Venezuelans as 'The Devil's Fist'

Fitting, really.

Like, even better than my all-time favorite host, Tom Snyder, which is crazy.