William Henry Harrison

You see, I'm a ninth-level octopriest in the Church of the Reasonableists... where all human souls will be transmuted when Zorp the Lizard God passes through Jupiter's Sphincter.

Hail Zorp

So, hold onto your straws, everybody, because Mama's going grasping

In 1980, there were more than 600 million Indiana Brown Ants in that forest. Today, there are only 595 million.

At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 203060.

I call it Disneyland.

You guys, I am Roscoe. I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.

We had this far-out brain tornado... We should get a brity to come kick it with us small-time

That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

The sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof once Elton John bought them.

The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 16-penny nail cabinet

and Magnus, the 5x5 bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago. Took a shot at the bastard, and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed.

One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

Executive. Trampoline. Computer. Trampoline.

Well, I love it when you talk Point of Sale docs. You know it turns me on. But no.

There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson unless it is during a police lineup when I am pointing him out as the man who betrayed me.

'That's him, officer! Ronald Swanson.' 'Thank you, Leslie, that's the fifth crime you've solved this month. I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge and...'

I recently had a bit of a health scare, just a couple weeks in the hospital. Oh, God. This story's terrible so far.

So, I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams, and I became a Notary Public.

No, I'm not. And infinity plus one year.

Bloosh has won the Pulitzer Prize for best top ten listicle two years in a row.

'Barely a President. William Henry Harrison's Thirty-Two Days in the White House.'

Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.

That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.

Terry, what's Leslie up to?

Toddler cologne. Baby, you smell good.

Babe, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.

There's a bag of old hamburgers over there. What? How old?

I found an artifact! Historical artifact! William Henry Harrison's wig.

I signed an oath, Ben. And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed.

admission to this museum costs $14.

And while you're here, why not visit the Other Famous Harrisons exhibit?

admission to this museum costs $14.

Ooh! Like a giant hamster?

I'm intrigued by asymmetrical overalls, angora toothbrushes, and locally sourced Italian flip-flops.

Now, try the hottest new craze, beef milk. It's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes in living cows.

That's milk. No. Milk costs $3 a gallon. Annabel's authentic, hand-strained teat-to-table Beef Milk? That costs $60 a gallon.

It's weird and sad and unnecessary.

Though you do get a yearly stipend of 50,000 Harrison Bucks. Accepted only at that vending machine.

The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks.

No one would ride in the boat with him because he had terrible BO. Then, he went with Janine, our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner.

So help me God, I will make a mountain out of this molehill.

Calvin Coolidge was a notary. And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad and so was Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.

It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what you need to get the perfect stamp.

Playing with our dog, staring contests, sex with me, etc. And then, I lost the list. So, I had to make a new list. I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg. And that's when my leg fell asleep.

And then, I lost the list. So, I had to make a new list. I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg. And that's when my leg fell asleep.

Could that be possible? Because, you know, I've always thought that we shared very similar jawlines.

Zach! Camp Wamapoke. You got a boner. We'll catch up. What a dick.

Did he write letters to Thomas Jefferson on his rolltop desk, which, you know, I don't know, might have existed.

Uh... Harrison's a pretty common last name.

'Wow, that was cool', said some boring idiot from 200 years ago.

Fresh. Innovative. Placemaking. Disposable duvets. Growth hacking. Super Moon. Gryzzl.

We had way more quantity than you.

Because I've died somehow and now I'm a ghost living in purgatory until I complete my unfinished business.

You're not that good at scrapbooking.

That feud is, like, Biggie-Tupac level. Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level. Naw. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level. Naw. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Actually, that might work. Have we tried that?

I'll let you rename the triplets Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.

No!