Newman

That's your big boy.

I don't like to give out bites.

You know, they're so fragile.

Keith...Hernandez. Keith Hernandez! Keith Hernandez!

I hate Keith Hernandez. Hate him! I despise him.

June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right-field stands...when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door...to a five-run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game! Our day was ruined.

He spit on us! And I screamed out, 'I'm hit!'

Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted off him, and it hit me.

Well, my head...went back, to the left. Say that again. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

Newman's entire scene as Kramer's apartment occupier

Hit me, Seinfeld, I got witnesses.

So he packed a grip and he split for the coast. La-la land. L.A.

Don't play coy with me, I'm not in the mood. Coy? I'm not being coy. Are you being coy? Yeah, coy. You're being coy.

So he packed a grip and he split for the coast. La-la land. L.A.

Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? - That's a renege. - Stop saying 'reneging.'

Because the radar detector, as I understand it, detects radar! With a series of beeps and flashing lights.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You better think again, MoJumbo.

Karma Kramer?

I never had an air conditioner.

I was never able to become a banker.

You wouldn't even be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life. You would be dead. Dead. You would cease to exist. You'd be gone for the rest of eternity. Can you even begin to comprehend what that means?!

I never had an air conditioner. No. That's no reason to kill yourself. Why? It gets hot at night. You can't sleep.

I was never able to become a banker. So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You can't live without being a banker. Must be a banker!

An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker!

You were gonna ack-ka-ka-ka! You were dai-ya deh, wha-hey! To yourself! Remember, the banking?! The banking! Wha...! Ha! Hoo! Forget the banking?!

Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this! I've got witnesses. I saw the whole thing.

It's a little, brown, circular protuberance. What's the big deal?

Hey, everybody's got 'em. Look, I got 'em. / I got 'em too. See? Everybody's got 'em!

Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody? Sometimes.

Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. Never a letup. It's relentless.

Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

Those records are worth more than 5 dollars. He's gypping us. You're gypping us.

We'll be back, Jack. We'll be back... Jack.

You are nothing but a piece of crap. I find you extremely ugly. You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you.

Make us. Make us. Make us. Make us.

What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?

Who made you leader?

No, no, I don't like it. - What do you mean, you don't like it? - How could you not like it? - I like the thick tape.

Hey. What kind of nut are you?

Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.

Let me use her once. Can't do it, Newman.

When you control the mail, you control information.

I wouldn't hear of it. I said, 'Nice try, granny' and I sent her to the back of the line.

I've been waiting for something like this my whole life, and it's finally here!

It was good! I was enjoying it. Had to interfere, couldn't leave well enough alone. I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.

Once I find a barber, I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it.

Not everybody like Newman. So loyal. Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special.

How you like a free haircut for six months? What's the catch? You're gonna get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

That job sounds like it might be worth... a year's free haircuts. And a comb.

I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing! I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush. Unbelievable. Nothing!

I tell ya, this... Scissorhands is a hell of a barber. Gotta go! Oh, gee, I... I dropped a nickel.

He was moving on her like the stormtroopers into Poland.

He was moving on her like the storm troopers into Poland.

We used to go out. - Well, toodle-loo.

She just didn't do it for me. - What is wrong with her? - Well, if you're happy with her... that's all that matters. - You don't think she's attractive? - No. I need a really pretty face.

From what I hear, you postmen don't have to look too far. / Well, you know, sometimes it just has a way of finding you.

Ma! / Cosmo. / I'm sorry. We weren't... We didn't... / Cosmo?

I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

If only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me.

I'm taking the Congo as a penalty.

Too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, huh, Newman? Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail or it could be lights out for him.

No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies!

Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up more and more and you gotta get it out... but more keeps coming in! Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

Don't sweat it, buddy. I used to have fleas. What did you do about them? What do you mean?

All right, I've got them! I'm rife with fleas!

You can't taste them, why waste them? Why not give them all to me?

Yes! Last day for the Mackinaws. I can still make it. Wait, Newman. Newman, wait. Sorry. Last one.

But if you want to suck the pit...

If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, useless--

This vicious beast will never bother you again.

We'll kidnap it. We'll kidnap the dog, we'll drop him off upstate. Then he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.

Fresh air, dandelions. We're doing this dog a huge favour.

This is the dog? But it's so small. Yeah, but he's a fighter.

Hello, Archie. Veronica. Mr. Weatherbee.

Like I'm gonna risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. No, of course not.

Come on, Newman. Do it. No. He might die. Yeah. Maybe.

Hey, you're riding a girls' bike. Kramer. Kramer.

As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve the privilege of mail. Stuffing parcels in mailboxes, where they don't belong.

We will cut the bike down the middle and give half to each of you. What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike?

Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours.

Solid tires, reinforced seat post, heavy-duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.

I couldn't feel my extremities. What extremities?

I'm not Newman.

Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it.

Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black-market showerheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, is the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants.

He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. That's only used in the circus for elephants. Just give it to us. He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

This is awful. I'm not Newman.

I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. If you don't mind.... Look, sister, go get yourself... a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it.

Through a certain connection... I've been able to locate some black-market showerheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy... and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants.

You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day... just laughing it up, wasting your lives.

And three times a week, I shall require a cannoli.

You don't work in the rain? You're a mailman. Neither rain nor sleet nor... It's the first one!

I was never that big on creeds.

You overload your inventory, and you blow your margins on gasoline.

You tried it? -Oh, yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.

No, an 18-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh stations, tolls. Look, you're way out of your league.

Wait a second. Mother's Day.

The mother of all mail days.

9999 bottles and cans in the truck... At $0.10 a bottle and $0.10 a can We're pulling in $500 a man

Bottles below!

One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth...One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for

Your looks and my words will have built the perfect beast.

There really is no junk mail. Everybody wants a check or birthday card...It requires just as much manpower to deliver as their precious cards

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell and fondled his muscled heart

It's by an unknown 20th century poet...Oh, what's him name? Newman.

You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused, nightclub rabble that lap up your inane 'observations'?

Why would you do that? Never done it before. Why start? Why not?

Define 'rarely.' Frequently.

Uncle Leo?

Looks like you're breaking into it like an otter cracks open a clam.

How I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld. The day I would have the proof I needed... to haul you out of your cushy lair... and expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile...

This photo clearly indicates your involvement... in some ill-conceived mail-order pornography ring.

A man could really get some thinking done.

What is that, hickory? Yeah. It's the wood that makes it good. Really? Stop it. What's the matter with you?

Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce. I love broccoli. It's good for you. Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece. Gladly.

Vile weed!

The air is so dewy sweet, you don't even have to lick the stamps.

I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.

And yet it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.

There's no way I can handle eight in addition to my usual load of one.

We had an argument about me moving to Hawaii and he locked on to my ankle like it was a soup bone.

Just crease, crumple, cram. You'll do fine.

Too many people got their mail. Close to 80 percent. Nobody from the post office has ever cracked the 50-percent barrier. It's like the three-minute mile.

You're a disgrace to the uniform.

Newman uses his mail truck... to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.

Come celebrate the millennium with 'Newmannium.'

Think again, long shanks.

I started planning this in 1978. I put a deposit down on that restaurant that overlooks Times Square. And I booked Christopher Cross.

For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free.

Newmannium!

sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us... and I say, why? Are we really so different? - For what is broth... - I'm not the one doing the cooking. Damn you, Seinfeld. You useless pustule.

What you got there, the four volt?

Hello, Jerry.

But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.

A mail truck will slow beside you, the door will open. A mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.

There's another way. It's going down now! No, you said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know. I know you know, but you don't know what I know.

El Paso. I spent a month there one night.

They're meaningless.

Your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.

To prevent an ambush. / Yeah. Now, I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

I'm homeless. I'm gonna be out on the street, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos eating out of a bucket.

That looks like a dead bear. / No. That's a fur coat.

Where did you learn to climb trees like that? / The Pacific Northwest.

Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.

This isn't about my opening your mail? / What? I don't. Never have. Anything I read was already open.

Sorry, climber's keepers.

How I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife.

Nice carryall. / It's European.

My, isn't this an awkward moment?

Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

Like his bag of cans, or his other bag of cans.

To the idiot-mobile.

I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.

One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear, pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear, harum-scarum, rip them, tear them, te, ta, toe.

Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling.

Well, don't tarry, I'm behind schedule as it is.

She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her. Bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life.

When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.