Monty Cant Buy Me Love

Appraiser:This antique beer tap hasn't been washed in 100 years.

Homer:Yeah, well, I've been busy.

Appraiser:This is a valuable antique worth tens of thousands of dollars.

Homer:Wow! That much, huh?

Appraiser:Yes, if you're very careful with it.

Homer:Oh, I will be. I promise.

Appraiser:Well, I'll be back in a week to appraise it again.

Homer:See you then!

Appraiser:Well, what happened to it?

Homer:I may have sat on it. And spilled some beer on it. And used it to prop up the couch.

Appraiser:This is worth fifteen dollars.

Homer:Fifteen dollars?! But I didn't break it!

Marge:When was the last time we went for a family walk?

Homer:Well, we stopped after the kids couldn't carry my weight anymore.

Bart:I'm not lazy, Lisa. Just finish this sentence for me.

Lisa:Bart, that's the definition of—

Lisa:zzzzz...

Bart:Man, there's nothing to complain about out here. No traffic, no smog, no annoying people...

Bart:Wait a minute. I'm running out of complaints. That's the worst thing that could happen to me!

Homer:We could ride the dogs!

Marge:Absolutely not.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Bart:Giddyup!

Marge:And here we have Schmidt's Button Emporium, established in 1987. Notice the authentic brass fixtures and the hand-blown glass display cases. The owner, Klaus Schmidt, personally curates each button selection. They specialize in vintage mother-of-pearl buttons from the early 20th century.

Homer:Uh-huh.

Marge:Now, if we take a left here, we can avoid Kowalski's Button World entirely. Their inventory is simply pedestrian, and their customer service is abysmal.

Homer:Whew! That was close. *wipes forehead* For a second there, I thought we were actually going to go in there.

Marge:And this is the old Simpson homestead, built in 1895 by Jebediah Springfield's third cousin twice removed.

Homer:Kill me.

Homer:Megastore? Mega... like in Megaman? So it's a store run by a blue robot?

Comic Book Guy:Wow, this store has everything! Even a section for criminal activity!

Snake:Dude, that's like, so convenient. I don't even have to case the joint anymore.

Bart:Dude, this Metallica album is like, totally overrated. They sold out after the Black Album.

Store Clerk:You're ten years old.

Bart:Yeah, and? I've been listening to doom metal since I was eight. Slayer's early work was pure genius.

Kevin Costner:I know what you're thinking: 'Kevin, how could you make such a terrible movie?' Well, I ask myself that every morning. I wake up, look in the mirror, and say, 'Kevin, you magnificent fool, you've done it again.' This film represents everything I stand against as an artist, and yet here it is, a monument to my own incompetence. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Kevin Costner:Thank you for your sympathy.

Marge:You're welcome.

Kevin Costner:Say, do you have any sandwiches?

Mr. Burns:I'm in a terrible hurry. I have to demolish an orphanage.

Smithers:But sir, you demolished an orphanage last week.

Mr. Burns:Well, this one's in the way of my plutonium storage facility. Besides, orphans have no one to complain to the authorities.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd shake your hand, but my underwear's caught in the car door again.

Mr. Burns:A bookstore AND a cafe? Ingenious! Why, it's like a talking banana.

Smithers:Sir, a talking banana doesn't make sense.

Mr. Burns:You're right, Smithers. A bookstore and a cafe... that's actually brilliant.

Arthur Fortune:I've bungee jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, I've piloted a fighter jet, I've wrestled a grizzly bear...

Arthur Fortune:And just last week, I beat up Muhammad Ali!

Arthur Fortune:I've just received word from my accountant that I have a serious problem.

Arthur Fortune:I have too much money.

Fortune Teller:What is your name, child?

Ralph Wiggum:Ralph.

Reverend Lovejoy:I'm about to donate this money to charity for the poor.

Mr. Burns:Not so fast, Lovejoy! That money is coming with me!

Reverend Lovejoy:But Mr. Burns, this is for those in need!

Mr. Burns:In need? The only thing they need is to work harder. Now if you'll excuse me, Smithers and I have a money vault to fill.

Mr. Burns:Contempt. Yes, that's the mark of a dignified man. Someone who looks down on the common rabble with undisguised disdain.

Mr. Burns:Bah! Bah! Bah!

Mr. Burns:My teeth are strong and sharp, a major life achievement.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, fetch me some silver dollars. If Oprah can give away cars, I shall give away... silver dollars!

Smithers:Very good, sir. But sir, silver dollars are quite heavy.

Mr. Burns:Nonsense! Distribute them at once!

Crowd:Ow! Ow! Hey! Watch it!

Homer:Don't remove it! It's a silver dollar!

Doctor:But Mr. Simpson, it's lodged in your brain.

Homer:Then remove it! What are you, a doctor or a nickel-and-dimer?

Moe:Homer, you got a hole in your head. You should see a doctor.

Homer:Nah, I'm fine. How ya doin', Moe?

Mr. Burns:Adam Sandler? More popular than me? Why, that's... that's the ultimate insult!

Homer:Mr. Burns gave a million dollars to the orphanage? And everyone thinks I did it?

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm a hero! And I didn't have to give up a single donut!

Mr. Burns:You must be furious about this situation, Simpson.

Homer:Well, I would be, sir, but I'm on so many prescription drugs right now, I can't feel a thing.

Mr. Burns:Don McNeill's Breakfast Club is still popular, isn't it?

Homer:Well, sir, modern radio is just a crude shock jock named Jerry Rude.

Jerry Rude:I got some backup material for ya. You know what I noticed about Chinese people? They're always doing math!

Jerry Rude:And black guys? They love fried chicken! What's up with that?

Jerry Rude:Jews are cheap! Have you noticed that? It's true!

Jerry Rude:Mr. Burns, how many times a day do you use the bathroom?

Mr. Burns:Well, that's a rather personal question, but I suppose... three times? Four on Tuesdays. Why do you ask?

Jerry Rude:No reason, just curious about your bowel movements.

Mr. Burns:Bowel movements? Good heavens, what a topic for discussion! Though I must say, regularity is the hallmark of a well-ordered life.

Jerry:So Mr. Burns, tell us about your first gay experience.

Mr. Burns:Ah yes, well it was a beautiful spring day. I was but a lad of seven, and my father took me on a picnic. We spread out a blanket beneath the elm trees and unpacked a lovely spread of cold meats and cheeses. Then he said, 'Come here, boy, let's play with my stick.' We played with that stick for hours! It was the most gay and carefree afternoon of my youth.

Mr. Burns:I want to make it clear that those sounds are a result of my advanced age and diet, not some sort of comedic device. This interview is serious business.

Mr. Burns:You're not easily impressed, are you Homer?

Homer:Wow! A car!

Groundskeeper Willie:Me parents owned a tavern. I was conceived on the pool table, born on the bar, and me father died in the corner booth.

Groundskeeper Willie:Me parents own a tavern. I was born on a pool table, conceived on a pool table, and I'll probably die on a pool table. The entire cycle of life, happening on one piece of furniture.

Willie's Father:Willie.

Willie:Dad!

Willie's Father:Aye.

Mr. Burns:What exactly am I paying you for?

Homer:Well, you kidnapped me, so I figured you owed me money. Plus, you never even gave me a snack on the drive over here. I'm starving!

Professor Frink:Good heavens! The readings indicate a creature of absolutely gargantuan proportions!

Professor Frink:It appears to be heading directly toward us!

Professor Frink:Wait... the scale is recalibrating...

Professor Frink:Oh my, yes. It's just a tiny frog. Gosh, I can't handle this.

Homer:Look at me! I'm wearing a size 2! I'm finally a woman!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Look at me, I'm a real Scot now!

Willie:Och, ye dinnae have the faintest idea what ye're doin', do ye?

Homer:What? I'm wearing the kilt, I'm fitting right in!

Willie's Father:Ye cannae just wear the tartan and expect to be one of us, ye eejit!

Homer:But I got it in a small size and it fits perfectly!

Willie:That's the problem, ye numpty. A true Scotsman would never squeeze intae such a wee thing.

Scottish Resident:Well, that's not very good.

Aberdeen Student:Yeah, well, at least it's not as bad as that thing that attacked us last week.

Bart:Dude, that was the school float.

Aberdeen Student:Exactly! And it still looks better than our school!

Homer:So there I was, face to face with this huge monster. And you know what happened? It swallowed me whole! But no big deal, I've had worse Tuesdays.

Announcer:Gomer Pyle's singing voice as the eighth wonder of the world.

Mr. Burns:Excellent. I'm enjoying this moment of universal acclaim. Tell me, how does it feel to bask in the presence of greatness?

Homer:Uh, great, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns:You may now touch my sleeve. Briefly.

Homer:Well, Mr. Burns, I've seen a lot of things in my day, but that monster destroying half the town? That's gonna be tough to spin. You're gonna need more than a press conference and some donuts.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, what would you suggest?

Homer:I dunno, blame Flanders?

Mr. Burns:You know, I've spent my entire life trying to change who I am. But perhaps I should accept myself as I am.

Mr. Burns:After all, fighting your true nature is like wearing a Speedo two sizes too small — eventually, everyone around you notices, and you just look ridiculous.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, look at the poor creature. It's been through so much.

Smithers:But sir, it just destroyed half the town.

Mr. Burns:Nonsense! I've decided to adopt it. We shall be the best of friends.

Homer:But Mr. Burns, that thing almost killed us all!

Mr. Burns:Homer, you simply don't understand the finer points of monster appreciation.

Homer:Hey Nessie, how about some of these little weenie things? They're pretty good.

Nessie:Meh.

Homer:Yeah, I know what you mean. They're not that great.