Sweet Seymour Skinners Baadasssss Song

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Mom, why are you always trying to get me to eat potatoes?

Marge:Well, Bart, I just think they're neat.

Homer:Well, let's see here... This one's a real beauty. Definitely a rare mineral specimen.

Bart:Dad, are you sure about that?

Homer:Of course I'm sure! I've been doing this all morning. Hmm, it's a little crumbly though...

Homer:And it smells like... bran?

Martin:Ah, geodes! Or as I call them, geologist specimens... no wait, a geodeologist!

Bart:What has four legs and barks?

Martin:A dog.

Bart:Wrong! It's a walking clock.

Student:How is that a walking clock?

Bart:Well, it has four legs... and it barks... like the sound a clock makes when it's moving really fast!

Martin:No! Those are my artisanal biscuits with a hint of saffron and crystallized ginger! You can't just feed them to a common canine!

Bart:No, no, no. You gotta pet 'em against the grain. And make sure to get right in their face so they know you mean business.

Nelson:Haw-haw! The dog sneezed like a person!

Lunch Lady Doris:Even the dog won't eat it.

Ralph:He was going to the bathroom.

Principal Skinner:I'm sorry, but 'Yom Kippur'? That sounds made up. No student of mine is going to use some fake holiday as an excuse to skip school.

Skinner:Willie, I need you to go into the vent and retrieve that.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, ye daft numpty! That's a job fer a wee lad, not a grown man! And besides, I've got grass to be cuttin'!

Principal Skinner:Well, I'd like to see you do better!

Superintendent Chalmers:Oh, that was a devastating comeback, Skinner. Really cutting. I'm sure Willie will think about that one for weeks.

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, grease me up, lass! I'll squeeze through that vent like a greased-up haggis!

Lunch Lady Doris:Okay.

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye! Ye cannae catch Groundskeeper Willie! I'm as fast as a greased Scottish man!

Groundskeeper Willie:Where am I? What happened? I must've taken a wrong turn at that vent.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, I need to get back to the church... St. Declan's of the Blessed Haggis and Deep-Fried Mars Bar!

Superintendent Chalmers:The children are poorly dressed, their hair is unkempt, and frankly, several of them appear to be suffering from mild malnutrition.

Superintendent Chalmers:Skinner, you're fired! I've had enough of your incompetence and—

Superintendent Chalmers:Oh my God, is that a puppy? Who's a good boy? Yes, you are!

Groundskeeper Willie:Ye bloated gasbag!

Superintendent Chalmers:Me? A bloated gasbag?

Superintendent Chalmers:Skinner, you're fired.

Willie:Listen up, ye daft eejits! I've got an announcement to make!

Willie:Och, forget it then, ye ignorant buffoons! Ye're all as useful as a screen door on a submarine!

Principal Skinner:Wait, you said I'm fired? I thought you said I'm a liar!

Superintendent Chalmers:No, Skinner, I said you're fired.

Principal Skinner:Oh. Well, that's much worse.

Bart:Lisa, I'm experiencing this weird feeling. My stomach feels all knotted up, and I can't stop thinking about something I did.

Lisa:That's guilt, Bart.

Bart:Guilt? What's that?

Principal Seymour Skinner:Listen up, you little maggots! I'm Principal Skinner, and I run a tight ship here. You will address me as 'Sir' or 'Principal Skinner,' and if I hear one peep of disrespect, you'll be in detention until you graduate!

Bart Simpson:Uh, Principal Skinner? Aren't you being a little harsh?

Principal Seymour Skinner:Harsh?! I'll show you harsh, you little punk! Now get to class before I give you something to really cry about!

Leopold:I'm Principal Leopold. I run a tight ship. No funny business, no tomfoolery, no mercy.

Ned Flanders:Actually, I'm the new principal. Okily-dokily!

Ned Flanders:Well howdy-diddly-doodly, folks! I'm your new principal, and I'm here to put the 'pal' back in 'principal'!

Leopold:Well, you see, it's like when Ned says 'okily-dokily' — I mean, 'Leopold-dolph!'

Student:That's literally just his name with a different ending. That's not a joke, that's lazy.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd say that's a real stu—I mean, a real situation!

Principal Skinner:I call it... Cretaceous Park.

Apu:Thank you, come again.

Ned Flanders:Oh my stars! I've spilled my beverage on young Bart whilst attempting to impart some much-needed discipline!

Ned Flanders:Say, I do hope it wasn't my prune juice—that would be most unpleasant for the lad!

Principal Skinner:I've kept these shoes pristine for thirty years. Not a scuff, not a mark. Military discipline, you see.

Principal Skinner:Why, I could step in anything and these beauties would—

Principal Skinner:Oh no. No, no, no!

Jimbo:Hey, look what we got! Skinner's underwear!

Principal Skinner:Now boys, let's be reasonable about this. Those are my private garments and I'd appreciate their return.

Jimbo:What are you gonna do about it, man?

Principal Skinner:Well, I... I can't afford new ones, so if you could just... please give them back.

Principal Skinner:I was there when Bob Hope came to entertain the troops. A sniper's bullet grazed me, and you know what I remember most? Joey Heatherton wasn't wearing any pants.

Student:Really?

Principal Skinner:Well, I was unconscious most of the time.

Principal Skinner:What?! Teachers trapped in the lounge? This is a disaster!

Bart:Dude, I thought that was the point of Flanders' new policy.

Principal Skinner:No one's monitoring the hallways! Do you know what this means?

Bart:Field day?

Principal Skinner:Field day.

Bart:Well, at least people remember you.

Principal Skinner:Really? You think so?

Bart:Sure, they're always talking about you.

Principal Skinner:They are? Oh, that's... that's wonderful! What do they say?

Bart:Uh... mostly just that you're a big weirdo.

Principal Skinner:A big weirdo... yes, yes! That's fine! At least they're thinking of me!

Luigi's Employee:Hey, Principal Skinner's here!

Principal Skinner:Hello, Luigi. Table for one, please.

Luigi's Employee:You see that kid over there? That's some real ugly kid.

Bart:Man, this place has really gone downhill since Flanders took over. The school's falling apart, teachers are quitting, and nobody's learning anything.

Bart:And the crazy thing is, the less we learn, the dumber I get. It's like, not getting an education is actually making me stupider.

Milhouse:Woof! Woof! Arf arf! Ruff ruff!

Bart:Milhouse, what are you doing?

Milhouse:Arf! Arf arf arf!

Army Recruit:Sir, I have a question about the communal showers.

Drill Sergeant:What is it, recruit?

Army Recruit:Do we have to shower together, or can we shower alone?

Drill Sergeant:You'll shower when I tell you to shower, and you'll shower where I tell you to shower!

Student:Man, that Ned really ate it when he wiped out on his skateboard.

Student:He was like, 'Whoa, daddy-o, that's a real drag, man.' Like, nobody talks like that anymore.

Principal Skinner:Now listen up, men. A proper marching cadence is essential. Left, right, left, right. Now repeat after me: 'We're marching off to war, we're brave and we are bold. We'll fight for our country and do what we are told.'

Army Recruits:We're marching off to war, we're brave and we are bold. We'll fight for our country and do what we are told.

Principal Skinner:Excellent! Now let's try something with more educational value: 'The Doric order was used by the ancient Greeks. The Ionic order came later, and the Corinthian order featured acanthus leaves as antique oblique critiques.'

Army Recruits:The Doric order was used by the ancient Greeks...

Lisa:A nemesis is a literary device - like Captain Ahab and Moby Dick, or Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty.

Bart:So like you and me?

Lisa:No, that's just annoying sibling rivalry. A true nemesis is something more epic, more meaningful.

Bart:What about Ralph and me?

Lisa:That's bullying, Bart. A nemesis relationship requires mutual respect and worthy opposition.

Bart:So what would be a real nemesis for me?

Lisa:Perhaps someone of equal intellect and cunning who challenges you in every way... actually, that would be impossible to find.

Bart:What about that baby from the grocery store who always steals my lollipop?

Lisa:Bart, that's not a nemesis. That's just... that's just a baby.

Apu:Ah, my new gas pumps have arrived! State-of-the-art technology, fully automated, with LED displays and—

Apu:Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!

Army Recruit:You're not the boss of me!

Principal Skinner:Well, not anymore.

Homer:Just tell them you're gay.

Principal Skinner:Oh, that's a great idea! I'll do that right away.

Superintendent Chalmers:Prayer? The only thing schools should be teaching kids about is facts. Cold, hard, scientific facts. Not some made-up fairy tale about a bearded man in the sky!

Superintendent Chalmers:Religion is just... it's just like believing in Santa Claus, except people don't grow out of it!

Leopold:You're rehiring him? What kind of educational institution are you running here?

Skinner:Well, Principal Leopold, he's a qualified teacher and—

Leopold:I don't care if he's qualified! He's a freak!

Nelson:Ha-ha! Freak!

Leopold:Welcome back, Principal Skinner. We've missed you.

Seymour Skinner:Thank you, Leopold. It's good to be back.

Leopold:You know, Skinner, you're a real freak.