Sideshow Bobs Last Gleaming

Krusty:Thank you all for your generous donations to our food drive. Your canned goods will go to feed the hungry and needy.

Krusty:Well, actually, we're using them for an obstacle course. You gotta crawl through beans, slip on creamed corn, dodge flying peas...

Krusty:This béarnaise sauce costs $300 a gallon!

Krusty:The show can only afford it because it's gone bad.

Sideshow Mel:Why did you not tell me about the alligator pit?!

Krusty the Clown:It's all part of the act, kid!

Sideshow Mel:I'm missing half my bone!

Homer:That's my boy!

Sideshow Bob:Tearing up old licenses plates, breaking rocks, sewing mailbags... it's all so meaningless. Do you know what I miss most? The chance to create something beautiful. Something that will outlive me and stand as a monument to my genius.

Sideshow Bob:I could build a Westminster Abbey! I could! But instead, I'm here, reduced to this... this drudgery.

Snake:♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are ♪

Sideshow Bob:Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. But what of children's television? A cesspool of animated drivel that corrupts the youth of America faster than syphilis and pinball combined!

Sideshow Bob:Television! That vast wasteland of mind-numbing drivel is nothing more than an omnidirectional sludge pump, hosing down the collective consciousness of this great nation with a deluge of idiotic programming!

Bob:Television is nothing but a wasteland of mindless drivel and corporate garbage.

Fat Tony:Hey, watch it there, pal. I own most of that network.

Snake:Dude, check it out. I found a whole cheeseburger.

Homer:That's mine! I've been looking for that all week.

Snake:Finders keepers, man.

Sideshow Bob:I must lodge a formal protest regarding this unconscionable assignment of menial labor, which constitutes a flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and my personal sense of dignity and decorum.

Sideshow Bob:An air show? How pedestrian. The thunderous roar of those primitive combustion engines, the vulgar display of aerial acrobatics—it's nothing but bread and circuses for the masses. I prefer the refined artistry of my own performances, where danger and comedy intertwine in a sophisticated ballet of mayhem.

Lisa:I can't believe I'm finally meeting a female stealth bomber pilot!

Female Pilot:Well, I've destroyed countless religious buildings across the Middle East.

Lisa:Oh my God, we have so much in common! We're both named Lisa!

Bart:Yeah! I wanna see endangered species killed by jet engines!

Cletus:Well, them jets is loud. I better get me some ear protection.

Cletus:Ah, here we go. Some corn on the cob.

Cletus:One in each ear, and I'm all set!

Lisa:Grandma, this is my friend Ralph.

Grandma:Oh, so you two are living together?

Lisa:What? No, we're just friends.

Grandma:That's what they all say. When's the wedding?

Grandma:So you're making the beast with two backs with your sweetie pie?

Sideshow Bob:Good heavens! A once-respected thespian, reduced to appearing on such drivel! This is like watching the Titanic sink all over again—except this time, I'm going down with the ship!

Bob:I can't believe they got Vanessa Redgrave for this film. She's such a distinguished actress.

Vanessa Redgrave on TV:Yo, this is whack! That dude is a total scrub and his crib is janky!

Colonel Hapablap:I'll have you know I've successfully guarded this parking lot for three years without a single incident!

Chief Wiggum:We'll tell everyone we shot him dead. That way we look like heroes!

Chief Wiggum:And if he shows up alive later, we can just say it was a really good escape.

Homer:Wow, a Harrier jet! How many tires does it have?

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why does that plane have so many legs?

Military Guide:It's so easy to fly, a child could do it.

Bart:Can I try?

Military Guide:Absolutely not.

Homer Simpson:Free beer!

Homer Simpson:Ay caramba!

Homer Simpson:Woohoo!

Bart:Eat my shorts, man!

Bart:Cowabunga, dude!

Colonel Hapablap:I demand entry to my private washroom!

Colonel Hapablap:Now get out of my way before I use you as a mop!

Colonel Hapablap:I'll rip you apart like a box of tissues at a disgusting gathering!

Colonel Hapablap:Holy mother of atomic bombers!

Colonel Hapablap:I'm going to corpse you so hard!

Colonel Hapablap:Blast! I had my whole speech prepared about the dangers of intruders, and now he's gone. All this violence training for nothing!

Cletus:Well, them Wright Brothers, they invented the airplane back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue. They used it to fly across the Atlantic and discover America.

Cletus:Then they crashed into the Grand Canyon, which is how it got so deep. That's also why we got Thanksgiving.

Cletus:Well, I learn all my history from the sugar packets at Krusty Burger. Did you know that in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue? It says so right here on this packet of Sweet'N Low.

Colonel Hapablap:We've got a Code Red! The runway foam system has malfunctioned!

Soldier:Sir, what are your orders?

Colonel Hapablap:Get me the industrial car wash immediately! And someone get me a bucket, some chamois cloths, and a good tire shine!

Colonel Hapablap:I'll have you court-martialed faster than a... a... well, faster than something really fast!

Marge:I have a terrible headache.

Homer:Have you tried not having a headache?

Air Show Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Springfield Air Show! We have an exciting day of aerial acrobatics, precision flying, and of course, the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation!

Sideshow Bob:What a beautiful day for an air show. Not a cloud in the sky.

Sideshow Bob:Although, there will be one in about five minutes.

Air Show Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the box kite exhibition!

Crowd:Boo!

Air Show Announcer:Did you know that the box kite was invented in 1924 by a man named Gerald Fitzpatrick who was trying to mail a box to his mother but got the string tangled around a pigeon?

Lisa:Dad, why aren't you watching the air show?

Homer:I can't, Lisa. I'm suffering from televesion.

Lisa:You mean television?

Homer:No, televesion. It's when television sucks all the blood out of your eyes.

Moe:Wait, wait. If you eliminate television, what am I gonna watch?

Sideshow Bob:I don't know, read a book.

Moe:But there's no pictures!

Sideshow Bob:Life without television is a wonderful thing. You can spend your time on more enriching pursuits.

Sideshow Bob:For instance, I've taken up scrimshaw — the art of carving intricate designs into whale bone and ivory.

Sideshow Bob:Why, just yesterday I spent six hours carving a detailed maritime scene while discussing Schopenhauer's philosophy.

Sideshow Bob:Now that's entertainment!

Crowd member:Booo! Booo!

Crowd member:Get him! He's un-American!

Crowd member:Burn him! Burn him!

Sideshow Bob:Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. 'Bob, how can you be against television when you're using television to broadcast your message?' Well, I... I hadn't thought of that.

Marge:My children are trapped in the nuclear threat zone!

Military Officer:An honor, ma'am.

Police Chief Wiggum:I promise we'll catch Sideshow Bob quickly.

Homer Simpson:Yeah, right. You're about as effective as Garfield chasing lasagna.

Chief Wiggum:Why did Garfield cross the road? To get to the other side! Because he's a cat, see, and cats... My wife, she tells me these jokes. I don't write 'em.

Military Officer:We've searched the entire base for the criminal.

Military Officer:All we found was pornography. Pornography everywhere.

Krusty:Sacrifice television? Are you nuts? That's crazy talk!

TV Executive:A world without television? That's worse than death. At least death has commercial breaks.

Kent Brockman:I've covered wars, you know.

Kent Brockman:But my proudest moment was when I reported on the plight of those poor, unfortunate dogs without credit cards.

Sideshow Bob:Why didn't I demand more? I could have asked for anything! A mansion, a fleet of cars, my own TV show!

Sideshow Bob:But no... all I wanted was a really good quality jam. Room temperature, preferably seedless.

Krusty:Wait a minute... if all TV is being eliminated except my show, that means I'll have a captive audience!

Krusty:I can charge whatever I want for advertising! We're talking billions here!

Krusty:Finally, my big break!

Colonel Hapablap:I'm so angry I could Cuisinart!

Soldier:I'm so frustrated with Sideshow Bob! It's like taking orders from a Democratic president.

Lisa:What makes voices high?

Lisa:Um, helium?

Bart:Duh, it's when your balls haven't dropped yet.

Sideshow Bob:Shoo, shoo! Get away from me, you blasted gas!

Krusty:Hello folks, this is Krusty the Clown broadcasting from this here civil defense shack with a full 10 watts of power! That's right, 10 watts of wacky, wonderful, whimsical broadcasting power!

Krusty:We got Lincoln on the show!

Audience Member:But Lincoln's dead!

Krusty:So what? He's still funny!

Krusty:Next week on the Krusty Komedy Klassic, we have a very special guest - Abraham Lincoln!

Sideshow Bob:But Krusty, Abraham Lincoln is dead.

Krusty:So what? We'll use a hologram!

Sideshow Bob:Ah, television: the electronic siren song of our age. Like Medusa, it mesmerizes with its gaze. Like Cerberus, it guards the gates of consciousness. And like the Hydra, for every head of quality programming you slay, two more heads of mediocrity grow back in its place.

Colonel Hapablap:What is this? A Mark III from 1987? How absolutely pedestrian.

Colonel Hapablap:The yield is so last season. And those tailfins? Positively retro.

Colonel Hapablap:This isn't a nuclear weapon, it's a fashion disaster waiting to happen.

Sideshow Bob:Bart Simpson, you are my arch-nemesis.

Sideshow Bob:And you must be Lisa. Well, hello there. *tips hat politely* Now, if you'll excuse me, I have revenge to plot.

Lisa:Your criminal mind is so brilliant, Mr. Bob. I bet you have an IQ of at least 200.

Sideshow Bob:Well, I wouldn't say 200. More like 216. And that's on a conservative day.

Sideshow Bob:Thanks the military for making their weapons so easy to steal and use

Colonel Hapablap:We've got a bogey on our six! Evasive maneuvers!

Museum Curator:Watch out for those buildings!

Colonel Hapablap:Forget the buildings! Don't scratch the paint on this vintage aircraft!

Bart:I've been shot at, blown up, run over, poisoned, electrocuted, and nearly drowned. And that was just last week!

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, I once drove my car through the Kwik-E-Mart! Not to brag or anything.

Sideshow Bob:Ah yes, modern aviation. Once the exclusive domain of the cultured elite, now every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a credit card can afford a ticket. The skies have become as common and vulgar as a shopping mall. Democracy has ruined the very concept of flight itself!

Military Pilot:We can't catch that Wright Brothers plane!

Military Pilot:At this rate, we should just abandon these jets and walk.

Krusty:Ladies and gentlemen, we have a replacement cartoon for you today. It's called 'The Adventures of Pants Man.' Every episode, Pants Man puts on his pants, and then... he takes them off! Then he puts them on again! Then he takes them off! It's a real knee-slapper!

Krusty:Holy cow! What's that thing in the sky?

Krusty:It looks like my hedge trimmer!

Military Pilot:Sorry about that! I'm still getting used to the controls. Last week I was flying a desk!

Soldier:We've got him surrounded. He's got nowhere to go.

Sideshow Bob:You'll never take me alive!

Soldier:Alright men, we need to do a psychological assessment. I'm calling in the mental health unit.

Soldier:Listen up, we're going to need to establish a perimeter around his emotional defenses and conduct a full-scale analysis of his neuroses.

Sideshow Bob:You can't analyze me! I'm too clever!

Soldier:Negative. We've already breached your first line of defense. Your narcissism is now in our sights.

Soldier:Listen here, criminal! Drop and give me twenty reasons why you thought you could get away with this!

Bob:I... I don't understand what you mean.

Soldier:Your psychological profile is all wrong, maggot! You think like a civilian, not a strategist! What's your major malfunction?!

Sideshow Bob:No! This can't be happening! I'm supposed to win!

Sideshow Bob:Wait... I'm being defeated by a child in a ridiculous manner. There's no logical explanation for my failure.

Sideshow Bob:Oh, I see what's happening here. This is just like every other Saturday morning cartoon. The hero wins through pure luck and determination, while the villain is vanquished by his own incompetence.

Sideshow Bob:We're slaves to the tired conventions of television!

Homer:Hey, didn't Vanessa Redgrave just say that same thing last week?

Marge:Yes, Homer. They just reuse the same footage over and over.

Homer:Stupid cheap TV station.