Brother From Another Series

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Criminals are just like children, really. They have childlike hearts.

Homer:So you're saying children are criminals?

Bart:Criminals aren't cool.

Homer:Well, they should make prisons more fun. You know, add some water slides, maybe a lazy river...

Bart:Dad, that's not how prisons work.

Homer:Well, they should! Taxpayer money should go to prisoner entertainment!

Sideshow Bob:Oh, you know, the usual. Been keeping busy with a little light murder, some arson, a dash of armed robbery, and I've been working on my interpretive dance routine.

Sideshow Bob:You know, I've been trying to kill you for years.

Bart:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Homer:He means in chess, boy.

Marge:Homer, why don't you go comfort Bart?

Homer:Aw, do I have to? He's all the way upstairs!

Homer:Don't worry, son. Bob's probably just in the hospital.

Bart:Dad, he's dead.

Homer:Well, at least he had a nice funeral.

Marge:Homer, we cremated him in a dumpster.

Homer:The point is, Bart, he's in a better place now.

Lisa:Dad, we scattered his ashes in the sewage treatment plant.

Homer:There, there, son. Everything's going to be okay.

Bart:No it's not, Dad. I'm doomed.

Reverend Lovejoy:Sideshow Bob, you've been such a good influence on our prison ministry.

Sideshow Bob:Thank you, Reverend. Though I must admit, I'm worried the other inmates might think I'm getting special treatment.

Sideshow Bob:It could affect my standing in the prison hierarchy.

Sideshow Bob:I've turned over a new leaf! I'm a changed man! Why, I haven't tried to kill anyone in... *checks watch* ...three whole days! I'm practically a saint!

Sideshow Bob:I've been thinking about the unpleasantness between us.

Cecil:Oh yes, a terrible tragedy. That conductor's wake was quite moving.

Sideshow Bob:No, I meant our personal conflict.

Cecil:Oh.

Cecil:Oh, I had no idea you were a criminal! I must have been out of town the day they published that in the newspaper. Or perhaps I was distracted by my duties as the town's official record keeper, which surely would have required me to catalog such important information. How terribly negligent of me!

Cecil:Well, you see, Bob, blood is thicker than water. We're brothers, after all.

Cecil:Or as I like to say, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb... no wait, I had it backwards.

Sideshow Bob:Cecil, my dear brother, those days are behind me. Murder was just a phase—like my brief flirtation with macramé.

Cecil:You mean you're... reformed?

Sideshow Bob:Precisely. I've moved on to more constructive pursuits. Besides, killing gets so tedious after the first hundred or so.

Crowd:Bob's a maniac! Bob's a maniac!

Lisa:Wait, wait! You don't understand. Mr. Burns' murder attempts were completely rational given his socioeconomic position and the systematic inequalities that—

Homer:Lisa, shut up.

Mayor Quimby:Change? I'm not familiar with that word. Is it a new type of currency?

Sideshow Bob:Your Honor, I beseech you. I have paid my debt to society. I am a changed man. I ask only for a second chance to prove that I can be a productive member of this community.

Mayor Quimby:Well, Bob, that's a very moving speech. And I suppose everyone deserves a second chance. After all, that's what America is all about.

Bart:Sideshow Bob, I know you're thinking about doing something evil!

Sideshow Bob:Actually, I was just wondering if I should switch to a moisturizing shampoo. My hair has been looking rather dull lately.

Cecil:This is a 1982 Château Latour. A truly exceptional vintage.

Bob:Wow, that sounds fancy.

Cecil:Indeed. Most people couldn't distinguish it from a box wine, of course.

Bob:Well, I like box wine.

Cecil:Yes, well, that's precisely what I mean.

Sideshow Bob:Wine? I prefer a nice Château d'Yquem. Though I suppose in prison, one makes do with toilet wine fermented in a sock.

Bart:Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. And yeah, I'm gonna take some candy from the bowl at the front. Don't tell me you didn't see that one coming. Oh, and one more thing: Kill Flanders.

Marge:Bart, you're supposed to say 'lead us not into temptation,' not 'lead us into a 7-Eleven.'

Homer:If you're gonna commit murder, you gotta do it yourself. None of this 'lead us' stuff.

Sideshow Bob:Oh yes, Cecil, the 'Chief Hydraulic Pump Operator' — because 'Chief Hydraulic Pump Operator' wasn't redundant enough, we had to add 'Chief' to make it sound important.

Sideshow Bob:He attended clown college.

Sideshow Bob:Princeton.

Bob:I went to clown college.

Cecil:Clown college?

Bob:Princeton.

Cecil:These clown mitts make it impossible to do anything! I can't turn a doorknob, I can't pick up a phone...

Sideshow Bob:That sounds like a self-help book title: 'Clown Mitts: Why I Can't Do Anything.'

Krusty:See, the problem with Cecil's pie bit is he was targeting the dignified Bob instead of some schnook like me.

Krusty:Ladies and gentlemen, what you just witnessed was not merely a pie in the face—it was a masterclass in comedic timing, facial positioning, and the ancient art of pie-absorption! This man is a virtuoso, a Leonardo da Vinci of the custard arts! He took that pie with the grace of a swan, the dignity of a prince, and the splatter radius of a watermelon dropped from the Empire State Building!

Sideshow Bob:Engineering? That's not a calling, that's just a job.

Cecil:Actually, brother, the term 'calling' in the occupational sense dates back to the Protestant work ethic as articulated by Max Weber in his 1905 seminal work 'The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism.'

Sideshow Bob:Yes, yes, hydroelectric power is quite fascinating.

Cecil:Isn't it wonderful, brother? The way the water flows through the turbines, generating clean energy for thousands!

Sideshow Bob:Mmm, yes, quite riveting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some rather pressing matters to attend to.

Sideshow Bob:Good heavens, the uncouth remarks these construction workers direct at passing pedestrians! 'Hey baby, what's shakin'?' Preposterous. If one is to engage in such pedestrian flirtation, one ought to employ proper diction.

Sideshow Bob:For instance: 'I say, what a positively resplendent derrière you possess! Might I have the honor of its acquaintance?'

Bart:What's Bob planning this time? It's gotta be something big.

Bart:Nah, simple vandalism? That's kid stuff. Bob's way too twisted for that.

Cecil:You seem nervous, Bart.

Bart:Well, I'm about to meet Sideshow Bob for the first time.

Sideshow Bob:Ah, don't be shy, my boy. I've only tried to kill you a few times. It's nothing personal—just a bit of nervousness on my part.

Edna:Oh Sideshow Bob, I'm so thrilled to be dating a killer!

Sideshow Bob:Well, actually, I've never successfully killed anyone.

Edna:What?

Sideshow Bob:I tried to kill the world's greatest lover.

Sideshow Bob:It would be suicide.

Edna:I can't have you telling the other children about my personal life. They'll lose all respect for me.

Bart:But Mrs. Krabappel, they already don't respect you.

Edna:Well, what little they have left, I'd like to keep.

Sideshow Bob:Ha! You'll never catch me, Bart Simpson! I'm far too clever for your constant vigilance!

Bart:We'll see about that, Bob.

Sideshow Bob:Pfft. I laugh in the face of your surveillance! By tomorrow, I'll be long gone, and you'll realize what a fool you've been!

Cecil:Now see here, Bob, my workers are honest, hard-working people!

Cletus:Uh, what's a hard-working?

Cletus:Well, Cousin Merl ain't quite right.

Homer:What do you mean 'not quite right'? He's eatin' the dirt!

Cletus:Yeah, but other than that...

Sideshow Bob:These working conditions are absolutely intolerable! Do you know what they expect me to wear? Coveralls!

Sideshow Bob:Coveralls! As if I'm supposed to cover... all of myself? Preposterous!

Sideshow Bob:I'm so tired of this job, the constant ridicule, the thankless work... Sometimes I just wish this whole town would burn to the ground!

Milhouse:Bart, where are we going? I thought you said we were going to Dairy Queen!

Bart:Yeah, I lied.

Milhouse:You lied?!

Bart:Look, I'll buy you a pretzel.

Sideshow Bob:I'm going to kill the children.

Sideshow Bob:Just kidding. I'm going to complain about their noise.

Homer:Where have you been? I've been waiting hours for dinner!

Lisa:We could check Bob's trailer for evidence.

Bart:Or we could search the haunted mine where the ghost of a prospector guards his gold.

Lisa:Wait a minute... this is a blueprint. For a building. And look — it has walls. Walls that are... rectangular.

Cecil:Well, well, well... what do we have here?

Cecil:Let's see... we got Smilin' Pete, Toothless Jake, Big Hungry Joe, Ol' One-Eyed Jimbo, and the Bibulous Barney.

Cecil:Looks like the whole dang crew decided to use my trailer as a meetin' hall!

Cecil:Warning: hydroelectric dam malfunction imminent. All residents must evacuate immediately.

Homer:Hydroelectric? Sounds like some kinda drug. I'm in!

Bob:I've never seen that money!

Bart:Oh, so you committed the crime with your eyes closed?

Sideshow Bob:You want to know what I've been doing all this time? Very well, I shall tell you.

Sideshow Bob:I've been working as an accountant at a mid-sized firm in Springfield.

Cletus:A master criminal? Why, that'd be my Cousin Merl!

Cecil:Well, it's both. I want the job AND I want to destroy you.

Sideshow Bob:I've devoted my life to schemes against that boy, and now he treats me like I'm just some common criminal!

Sideshow Bob:We had something special, Bart and I. A bond. An understanding.

Sideshow Bob:But now? Now he won't even return my calls. He blocks my number!

Sideshow Bob:Well Bart, I must say, this is quite awkward. Here I am, saving your life, when for years I've devoted myself to ending it.

Bart:Yeah, Bob, this is pretty weird.

Sideshow Bob:Indeed. Perhaps we're not so different after all, you and I.

Bob:I'm asking you to trust me.

Bart:Okay.

Bart:That was awesome! Let's do it again!

Lisa:Bart, you almost died.

Bart:Exactly! Again!

Lisa:Do you know what you're doing?

Sideshow Bob:Oh yes, Lisa. You see, I have a degree in explosives from a very prestigious correspondence school.

Bart:Guess who?

Cecil:Is it someone of refined taste and intelligence? Someone who appreciates the finer things in life? Someone who might enjoy a glass of Chateau Margaux while discussing Proust?

Bart:Nope, it's me.

Bart:That's a pretty crude way to commit murder.

Cecil:You're right. I'll use poison.

Cecil:Well, I'm about to detonate these explosives. I should probably warn everyone.

Cecil:Ahem. Everybody, I'm going to blow up the dam in five minutes. Please evacuate in an orderly fashion.

Cecil:And if anyone interferes with my plans, I will kill you.

Sideshow Bob:I shall throw myself from a cliff to save you, boy!

Bart:Uh, thanks Bob. That's actually pretty noble of you.

Sideshow Bob:Yes, well, don't get used to it.

Sideshow Bob:I'll kill you!

Sideshow Bob:...I mean, I'll sue you!

Cecil:Well, I suppose this means we won't be exchanging Christmas cards this year.

Sideshow Bob:Oh, we'll exchange them, Cecil. I'll just be reading mine through prison bars.

Lisa:Chief Wiggum, the evidence clearly shows that—

Chief Wiggum:Now, now, Simpson girl. I've been a cop for a long time, and I've learned one thing: kids don't know anything about nothing.

Chief Wiggum:Lou, you're a fine officer. One of the best on the force.

Lou:Thanks, Chief. I appreciate that.

Chief Wiggum:In fact, I'm promoting you to... uh... what rank are you now?

Lou:I'm a sergeant, Chief.

Chief Wiggum:Right, right. Well, you're still promoted.

Chief Wiggum:You're right, Lou. Tell you what - I'll demote you to sergeant.

Lou:Chief, I think you mean 'sergeant', not 'lieutenant'.

Chief Wiggum:Oh yeah? Well, you're demoted to Chief of Police!

Homer:Why is it so dark? Did I go blind? Am I blind?!

Sideshow Bob:Oh, very well. I'll threaten them. But I want it on record that I find this whole thing degrading!

Chief Wiggum:Just do it, Bob.

Sideshow Bob:Listen here, you simpletons! I'm going to— Oh, what's the use? You've already made me look like a complete lunatic!

Sideshow Bob:Cecil, I insist the upper bunk is mine. I require the superior vantage point for my criminal machinations.

Cecil:Absolutely not, Robert. As the elder brother, I claim it by right.

Sideshow Bob:You shan't have it! I saw it first!

Cecil:Did not!

Sideshow Bob:Did too!

Cecil:I expect restaurant-style service in here!

Sideshow Bob:You're in prison, Cecil.

Cecil:Yes, but I'm a paying customer!