Lisas Date With Density

Chalmers:Skinner! What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!

Skinner:Superintendent Chalmers, I... I just bought a car!

Chalmers:A car? That's what has you so worked up?

Skinner:It's a 1987 Rolls Royce! Well, the steering wheel fell off, but the price was right!

Skinner:Superintendent Chalmers! I wasn't expecting you. Is everything alright? Have I done something wrong? I assure you, the school is running perfectly. The budget is balanced, the students are learning, and... and... why are you looking at me like that? What have I done now?

Chalmers:Skinner, I just stopped by to—

Skinner:It's about the budget, isn't it? I knew it! Or is it the test scores? Oh God, it's both, isn't it? I'm finished. My career is over. You're going to fire me right here in front of the students!

Skinner:Cars are a means of transportation from point A to point B.

Skinner:Though on weekends, I sometimes enjoy a leisurely drive to point C.

Skinner:I admire car owners. I want to be one myself.

Skinner:But first I have to finish paying off my mother.

Skinner:Mother's charging me for all the food she gave me as a child. Apparently, I owe her $47,000.

Agnes Skinner:That's right, Seymour. You ate my food for eighteen years without paying a cent. Consider it rent.

Chalmers:Good heavens! The letter H has been stolen from my name! I'm now merely 'Seymour almers'! This is an outrage of the highest order!

Chalmers:My Honda! The H is missing from my Honda!

Chalmers:Without the H, it just says 'Onda'! Nobody knows what an Onda is!

Chalmers:Where's my Honda?! I need my Honda!

Skinner:Superintendent, it's just a Honda.

Chalmers:Just a Honda?! Do you know how much I paid for this vehicle? Twelve thousand dollars!

Apu:Mr. Homer, I have caught you red-handed! You have been substituting candy for sprinkles on the donuts and selling them to unsuspecting customers!

Homer:Candy IS a sprinkle, Apu.

Apu:No! Sprinkles are small, uniform, and made of sugar and wax. Candy comes in all shapes and sizes, and frankly, some of it appears to have bite marks!

Apu:These are not real sprinkles! I found gummy bears, M&Ms, crushed Oreos, and what appears to be a diced Snickers bar!

Homer:Well, they're colorful, aren't they?

Apu:That is not the point, Homer! Real sprinkles are made from pure sugar and food coloring. What you have done is desecrate the donut!

Apu:You see, the sprinkle is a way of life. A gateway to Shangri-la, the legendary kingdom of perfect candy toppings. Many have searched for it, but few have found it. And those who have... well, they never speak of it again.

Chief Wiggum:Well, I'm very disappointed in you, Scumbag. I thought you were different from the other criminals.

Criminal:My name is actually 'The Scumbag,' sir.

Chief Wiggum:Yeah, that's what I said.

Chief Wiggum:The prison cafeteria serves mystery meat, the cells are six by eight, and the exercise yard is a concrete box.

Chief Wiggum:But don't worry, Homer — most inmates find their escape route eventually.

Skinner:Superintendent Chalmers is beside himself with grief. He's inconsolable. He keeps muttering something about 'steamed hams' and rocking back and forth.

Skinner:This prank is absolutely NOT funny. There is nothing amusing about it whatsoever.

Skinner:Okay, fine, it's hilarious. But that's beside the point!

Skinner:Nonsense! There's nothing in this locker that could possibly—

Skinner:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Skinner:Well, I've been hit by approximately 247 eggs. At 70 cents a dozen, that's $14.41 worth of property damage. And that's just the eggs.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:Crud!

Nelson:Dang it!

Nelson:Oh, fiddlesticks!

Seymour Skinner:Who's 'ha-ha'-ing now?

Nelson:Ha-ha! Your breath smells like tuna!

Skinner:Janitorial work is the most degrading work known to man.

Willie:I'm right here, ye know.

Nelson:Apologize? Ha-ha, no way! I'm Nelson, I don't apologize to nobody!

Nelson:You think I'm sorry? I'll do it again tomorrow!

Nelson:Cry, babies, cry! That's what makes me happy!

Nelson:Hey, look at you with that hunched-over posture. You're like a little old lady!

Lisa:I am not hunched over! I have perfect posture!

Lisa:See? Perfectly straight!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Homer:Hi, I'm calling to offer you a chance to achieve inner peace and spiritual fulfillment through our revolutionary happiness system. For just three easy payments of $39.95, you can experience the transcendence that's been scientifically proven to exist somewhere. Our method combines ancient wisdom with modern marketing techniques. Call now and receive a free bookmark with an inspirational quote that may or may not change your life. Operators are standing by to take your money—I mean, your order.

Mr. Burns:A dollar? Bah! I'd be a fool to give up a dollar for mere eternal happiness. Besides, if I'm eternal, I'll have plenty of time to find happiness for free.

Marge:Homer, what you're doing isn't telemarketing. It's tele-panhandling!

Willie:Och, listen here, laddie. Ye need tae learn tae spell 'receive' properly. It's 'r-e-c-e-i-v-e'.

Nelson:So you're saying I need to go receive a bee? Ha-ha!

Willie:Naw, naw, ye daft numpty! The word 'receive'—

Nelson:A swarm of bees! That's awesome!

Willie:That's naw what I— och, fer cryin' oot loud!

Teacher:Alright class, who wants to be our tromboner for the school concert?

Lisa:*laughing*

Student 1:Lisa likes Ralph.

Student 2:Ralph likes Janey.

Student 3:Janey likes Martin.

Student 4:Martin likes Lisa.

Student 5:And nobody likes Milhouse.

Milhouse:Nobody?

Lisa:How does Bart do this every week? I've been here for twenty minutes and I've already finished my homework, organized my thoughts alphabetically, and composed a symphony in my head.

Lisa:Oh God, is this what hell is like?

Lisa:We shall never surrender... unless you're wearing a vest. Then all bets are off.

Lisa:He's a rebel, a bad boy, a misunderstood soul. Sure, he's got a scar, a disturbing laugh, and he's poor, but there's something so appealing about him.

Student:Hey Willie, catch!

Willie:Ach, what in blazes—

Willie:AHHHHH! It's a beehive! Ye wee bastards!

Lisa:I'm attracted to Nelson because he's a bad boy with a troubled past.

Lisa:But I know deep down he has a good heart.

Milhouse:I'm sensitive.

Lisa:Yes, Milhouse, and that's the ideal we should all aspire to.

Lisa:I think I can bring out your inner Milhouse.

Milhouse:Lisa, I'm already entirely Milhouse.

Lisa:Milhouse, I think you're a really great guy, but I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Milhouse:This is the third time this week!

Nelson:You... you sent me that note?

Nelson:But it said such nice things about me. Nobody's ever said nice things about me before.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Wait, you're not making fun of me, are you?

Lisa:So you'll come over?

Nelson:Yeah, alright. But only because I got nothin' better to do. And don't think this means we're friends or anything!

Lisa:Of course not.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Homer:Well, I guess it's possible that it could work a little bit.

Lisa:See Nelson, my cat can do a backflip!

Lisa:Watch this.

Nelson:Yeah, right.

Lisa:Snowball, backflip!

Snowball:*hisses and scratches wildly*

Nelson:Whoa! Okay, okay! That's impressive! I believe you!

Bart:Nelson? Lisa, I gotta say, your taste in guys is terrible. But I respect that you like someone.

Bart:Yeah, well, Milhouse could never get a date. Did you know he eats his own boogers? I saw him do it last week in study hall.

Homer's Telemarketing Machine:Professor Frink, you've won a free vacation!

Professor Frink:Wha-wha-what? A free vacation? Well, I'll be! Wait a minute... I recognize this voice modulation pattern... Why, that's my own Automated Telephonic Solicitation Engine 3000! I invented that machine myself!

Professor Frink:Good heavens! My molecular restructurizer! Homer's using it all wrong!

Homer:D'oh! Weasels! Snorfblatt! Mmm... donuts!

Professor Frink:Good Lord, that's gibberish! Pure gibberish! Eh-hyuck!

Lisa:Nelson, that t-shirt is offensive. It promotes nuclear violence.

Nelson:Ha-ha! What's wrong with a little nuclear violence? It's not like it's gonna hurt anybody.

Nelson:Nuclear power is awesome! You just split some atoms and boom, electricity!

Lisa:Actually, Nelson, nuclear fission is a complex process involving chain reactions and rigorous safety protocols. The real issue is waste disposal and the potential for catastrophic meltdown if proper containment isn't maintained.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Violence rules!

Lisa:I can't enjoy this song. It glorifies violence without any sociological context or ironic deconstruction.

Lisa:Nelson, what do you feel inside emotionally?

Nelson:Well, let's see. There's a partially digested Butterfinger, some Squishee, and a lot of anger.

Nelson:Your hair smells like cupcakes.

Nelson:I'm gonna kiss you now.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Jimbo:Dude, Nelson kissed a girl!

Dolph:That's so gay!

Kearney:Yeah, only girls kiss girls!

Lisa:You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Nelson may be a bully, but he's not a crumb-bum like you crumb-bums.

Jimbo:Crumb-bums?! That's it, we're gonna mess her up!

Jimbo:Hey, man, what happened to you? You used to be cool.

Nelson:Yeah, well, I decided to apply myself academically.

Jimbo:Dude, you've got nerd poisoning. It's a rare condition where the victim's brain is overcome by an excess of nerd cells, causing a total personality overhaul.

Nelson's Friend:Hey Nelson, you charlatan!

Nelson:Your mom!

Skinner:I was subjected to a most unseemly display of bare buttocks. The perpetrators mooned me with what I can only describe as reckless abandon and a flagrant disregard for authority.

Nelson:Thanks for hiding me, Lisa. You're the bomb!

Lisa:Nelson, that phrase is from the '90s.

Nelson:So? It's still cool, right?

Lisa:Not anymore.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Lisa:Why did you want to be with me?

Nelson:Ha-ha, no. But seriously... you're the only one who ever saw something good in me. Everyone else just sees a bully. But you... you made me feel like I could be different.

Nelson:Is this goodbye?

Lisa:Ha-ha!

Milhouse:Me! Pick me! Pick me!

Lisa:...or not.

Homer:Hello, I'm calling to apologize for my recent behavior.

Homer:But first, have you considered switching to Duff beer? I'm now an authorized distributor.

Homer:My apology package also includes a timeshare opportunity in the Florida Panhandle.

Homer:And if you act now, I'll throw in a signed photo of me for just $19.95 shipping and handling.