Miracle On Evergreen Terrace

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Work, you stupid heater! Work! I'm freezing here!

Homer:If you don't start working right now, I'm gonna rip out your guts and use them as a scarf!

Marge:Homer, you haven't even started your Christmas shopping!

Homer:I know, but I love waiting until the last minute. I enjoy the crowds, the chaos, the madness of it all!

Marge:You enjoy the crowds?

Homer:Absolutely. There's nothing I love more than shoving through throngs of angry shoppers while fighting for the last toy on the shelf.

Marge:Homer, I'm worried all the good toys will be gone by the time you get to the store.

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. I'm an excellent shopper. I once found a whole roast chicken in the clearance section.

Marge:Homer, that was in a dumpster.

Homer:Exactly! Clearance section!

Homer:I'm confident I'll find some great toys here.

Store Clerk:We just got some new inventory in.

Homer:Excellent! What do you have?

Store Clerk:Well, we have this action figure with a broken arm, a board game with missing pieces, and a doll that screams.

Homer:Screams? That's a feature!

Store Clerk:No, it's broken. It just screams randomly.

Homer:Even better!

Marge:I'm making my special cookies for the children.

Marge:Star-shaped for Lisa, heart-shaped for Maggie, and for you Bart... an angry wasp!

Marge:This tree is so much better than that old aluminum one we had.

Homer:You're right, Marge. A real tree is way better. But I still think we should get a fake plastic one next year.

Bart:Wow, check out all these Christmas lights! This is... craptacular!

Bart:Hocus-pocus!

Bart:Locus-bogus!

Bart:I invented drinking water to wake up early!

Lisa:Bart, water has existed for billions of years. Humans have been drinking it since before recorded history.

Bart:Ay caramba, not another history lesson. Can't we just enjoy the cartoon without Lisa turning everything into a PBS documentary?

Bart:Dear God, I know I haven't always been perfect, but I promise from this day forward I'll be a better person.

Bart:I'll be kind to animals, help old ladies cross the street, and never pull another prank again.

Bart:But if anyone messes with me or my family, I'll kick their ass.

Homer:Give me an H! Give me an O! Give me an M! Give me an E! Give me an R! What's that spell? HOMER! What's that spell? HOMER! Go, go, go!

Bart:Drink a ton of water before bed, you'll wake up early to pee. Genius!

Bart:3 AM. I'm up. I'm awake. This is working perfectly.

Bart:Oh man, oh man, oh man... where's the bathroom?

Homer:Bathroom's occupied, boy.

Bart:Dad, I really gotta go!

Homer:Well, you should've thought of that before you drank all that water, genius.

Bart:Five bucks. Every. Single. Year.

Bart:Whoa! Check out this radical toy! This is so cool!

Bart:Wait... I can't have this. I've been a total nightmare. I don't deserve something this awesome.

Bart:I can't believe I started a fire! I gotta get out of here!

Bart:Though I gotta say, this smoke pattern is really doing wonders for the interior design aesthetic.

Bart:The way the flames are licking up the walls? Chef's kiss on the color coordination.

Bart:Man, look at all that snow. It's like nature's way of saying 'I'm sorry for your loss.' Wait, no—I'm sorry for MY loss. This snow is like a big white blanket covering up all the evidence of what I did.

Chief Wiggum:Now son, describe the burglar for us.

Bart:Well, he was about six feet tall, wearing a black mask and striped shirt.

Chief Wiggum:Uh-huh, go on.

Bart:And he had a giant swag bag with a dollar sign on it, and he was carrying a TNT plunger.

Chief Wiggum:A TNT plunger?

Bart:Yeah, and when he ran away, he left a Bart-shaped hole in the wall going KABOOM!

Chief Wiggum:Eddie, Lou, search for a giant anthropomorphic burglar.

Chief Wiggum:A burglar you say? Well, we'll find him. We've got the worst detective in the state.

Homer:Well, if God wanted us to have nice things, he wouldn't have given us Homer Simpson.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me Santa and Jesus are two different guys?

Marge:Yes, Homer. Jesus is the reason for the season.

Homer:Then who's the fat guy in the red suit?

Bart:That's Santa, Dad.

Homer:Oh. Well, that explains why Jesus never brings me presents.

Homer:You know, I used to think it was cruel to laugh at old people. But now I realize it's the little things that make life worth living.

Homer:Look at those pathetic Flanders, pretending to have fun with their perfect little family and their stupid Christmas decorations.

Marge:Homer, that's mean.

Homer:Oh, come on Marge. You know they're just faking it. Nobody's really that happy.

Bart:Man, check out the Flanders. They look awesome!

Grampa Simpson:Now, back in my day, we didn't have Christmas cheer injections. We just drank heavily and pretended to like our families.

Grampa Simpson:But I got one anyway, and let me tell you, the side effects are disturbing!

Grampa Simpson:I've been smiling for three days straight, and my face hurts so much I could cry, but I'm too happy!

Moe:You know, this world's got too many problems. Crime, poverty, corruption...

Barney:Yeah, and don't even get me started on the economy.

Homer:Well, at least we got you, Moe. Things would be a lot worse if we didn't have a place to go and forget our troubles.

Moe:Aw, thanks Homer. That's real sweet.

Homer:Sure thing, Moe. You're the best bar... I mean, the best *Moe*-ral support a guy could ask for! Hehehehe.

Barney:Hey Homer, there's your house on TV!

Homer:What? My house? On television? That's impossible!

Barney:No, look, right there on the screen.

Homer:Well, it's not MY house. Mine has a bigger driveway.

Barney:Your wife's looking good, Homer.

Homer:She's MY wife!

Kent Brockman:We have much to be thankful for. But this Christmas, many of us will mourn the tragic loss of loved ones. I lost my beloved wife, Maude. Reverend Lovejoy lost his faith. And Homer Simpson lost his love of ketchup.

Kent Brockman:This holiday season, the Brockman family would like to extend our deepest sympathies to the Simpson family for their loss. We wish them all the best in the coming year... and may their suffering be swift and painless.

Marge:Homer, I just witnessed a miracle!

Homer:A new cleaning product?

Neighbor:Hey, need help with that Christmas tree?

Homer:Yeah, thanks! It's pretty big.

Neighbor:Big? This thing's gotta be 60 feet tall!

Homer:Nah, more like 50.

Bart:Wait, you guys are giving me your last dollar? For real?

Orphan:Yeah, Bart. You've been so nice to us.

Bart:Aw, man... I... I can't take this.

Bart:Here, you keep it. Buy yourselves something nice.

Orphan:Wow, Bart, you're the best!

Bart:Yeah, well... don't tell anyone about this.

Homer:Woo-hoo! Ay caramba! D'oh!

Moe:What do you call money? Clams!

Bart:Hey, no problem, man. Happy to help.

Old Man:Well, I'd shake your hand, but I've got hepatitis.

Car Salesman:And for just $1,995 more, we can add our premium undercoating to protect against rust and corrosion.

Homer:Undercoating? That sounds important. How often do I need it?

Car Salesman:Well, it's a one-time application that will last the lifetime of the vehicle.

Homer:Sold! I'll take it!

Lisa:Instead of buying a car, why don't you donate the money to charity?

Car Salesman:Charity? That's a great idea!

Car Salesman:*stabs Lisa repeatedly with pen* Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'stab-ity.'

Lisa:Every year it's the same thing. We put up a tree, decorate the house, exchange gifts we don't need, and by January second, we're all miserable and broke.

Homer:But honey, that's the magic of Christmas!

Lisa:The magic? Dad, the magic is just debt and disappointment wrapped in wrapping paper.

Homer:Turn left!

Bart:No, turn right!

Marge:Just stay calm and focus!

Lisa:Actually, we should abandon ship.

Homer:Well, the car's destroyed, but look on the bright side — at least O.J. Simpson got away!

Homer:No, no, Lisa. You're doing it all wrong. You gotta use your whole body weight. Like this.

Homer:You're real! You're real! I know you are!

Kent Brockman:In a bizarre turn of events, the suspect allegedly told police he was 'stealing to feed his family,' though when asked to clarify, he simply repeated, 'D'oh!' This reporter attempted to translate his remarks into coherent English, but I'm afraid we may never know what he meant.

Bart:Look, I'm gonna level with you. I did it. But I'm not gonna say I did it.

Bart:What I will say is that certain events occurred, and I may have been in the vicinity of those events.

Bart:And while I cannot confirm or deny my involvement, I can say that if I had done it, which I'm not saying I did, it would've been awesome.

Townsperson 1:This is an outrage! A Christmas scam!

Townsperson 2:We've been deceived!

Reverend Lovejoy:Now, now, my children. Remember, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Townsperson 1:But Reverend, what about a man who sells fake Christmas trees?

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, that's a theological impossibility.

Crowd member:We've been scammed! This is an outrage!

Crowd member:He's probably spinning in his grave right now.

Crowd member:Well, if he believed in resurrection, he'd spin back up!

Moe:Get parents!

Kent Brockman:This is an outrage! The stench of corruption hangs over this town like a bad smell!

Homer:Is it raining?

Marge:No, it's produce.

Bart:Tomato, potato, avocado...

Lisa:This is clearly a produce-based attack.

Marge:Oh, this is so embarrassing!

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. Things could be a lot worse.

Townsperson:Look, it's the Simpson family - the most hated family in Springfield!

Bart:Meh.

Homer:Well, I guess being a pariah has its advantages. We got to cut in line at the store, the kids got front-row seats at the movies, and nobody was sitting near us at the restaurant.

Homer:You know, Marge, maybe being hated by everyone isn't so bad after all.

Miss Hoover:Lisa, until you return that money, you're not allowed to learn anything in this classroom.

Lisa:But Miss Hoover, that's not fair!

Miss Hoover:I don't want to hear another word. Now sit in the corner and try NOT to absorb any knowledge.

Miss Hoover:Lisa, turn your desk around.

Lisa:Why?

Miss Hoover:Because I said so.

Lisa:That's not a reason.

Miss Hoover:Fine. Turn your desk around or you're in detention.

Lisa:This is unfair.

Miss Hoover:Now you're in detention AND you have to write lines.

Lisa:For what?

Miss Hoover:For questioning my authority. Now turn your desk around!

Lisa:Fine.

Miss Hoover:And you're expelled.

Homer:Listen up! There's been an emergency at the nuclear plant!

Lenny:Is this another one of your schemes to get us free donuts?

Carl:Yeah, remember last time you said the reactor was leaking and it turned out you just wanted to leave early?

Homer:No, this is real! We have to evacuate!

Lenny:That's what you said when you wanted us to help you steal those sandwiches from the break room.

Lisa:Dear Miss Simpson, It is with great pleasure that I take pen in hand to express my intense hatred for you. You are a bane upon this town. Sincerely, Moe Szyslak.

Alex Trebek:Your next clue is 'Potent potables.'

Homer:What is... uh... beer?

Alex Trebek:That's correct for $200. Select again.

Marge:I'll take 'Potpourri' for $400.

Alex Trebek:This word means 'a mixture of dried flowers and spices.'

Marge:What is... potpourri?

Alex Trebek:I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The answer is 'What is potpourri?' You've lost $400.

Marge:Oh no!

Alex Trebek:I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, you've lost $5,000. According to game show rules, we must take your house.

Bart:Ay caramba! Mom, you're the worst!

Alex Trebek:And now, we take your car, your furniture, and your dignity.

Bart:This is insane! Where's my skateboard?!

Audience member:What is she doing?

Audience member:She's terrible!

Audience member:And she doesn't even get a consolation prize!

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-do! I'm just taking inventory of all these wonderful possessions we're confiscating from the Simpsons. Let's see here: one television-a-rooney, two lamps-a-diddly-amps, and oh my, what a fine collection of... well, I probably shouldn't mention it, but it's all for a good cause, diddly-doodly!

Lisa:Mom, I know losing Dad is devastating, but we have to find meaning in this tragedy.

Bart:Yeah, like who's gonna yell at us now?

Lisa:Bart!

Bart:What? I'm just saying, the guy was useful.

Marge:Oh, for heaven's sake! I'll settle this once and for all!

Marge:HYAH!