King Of The Hill

Homer:D'oh!

McBain:I must deliver these pennies. The fate of the nation depends on it.

Bart:Whoa! Check out the guns on that guy! He's like a spatula with a head!

McBain:Now that's what I call breakneck speed!

Lisa:Someone just died on TV.

Marge:Anyway...

Homer:Another church picnic? Marge, why do we have to go to these things?

Marge:Homer, you love church picnics. You brought the KFC last time.

Homer:That wasn't a picnic, Marge. That was just me bringing KFC to church.

Homer:Gluttony isn't a sin when you're eating the Lord's food in the Lord's house!

Reverend Lovejoy:Homer, gluttony is literally one of the seven deadly sins.

Homer:Well, nobody's perfect.

Ned:Well, we borrowed Homer's mustard for the contest.

Homer:WHAT?! My mustard?!

Ned:Yes, and you just shot it.

Homer:D'oh!

Churchgoer:Hello, Homer!

Homer:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Who are you? Look, is there any food at this thing or not?

Mr. Burns:Smithers, how is my kite doing?

Smithers:Splendidly, sir! It's... it's very high up. Very, very high. I can barely see it anymore.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm it. Chase those blasted children with extreme prejudice.

Smithers:Yes, sir, Mr. Burns. Right away, sir.

Mr. Burns:And Smithers, don't let them reach the oak tree. That's a safe zone I refuse to recognize.

Child:Help! He's actually chasing us!

Lisa:Okay girls, let's pick our team. Rod, you're on the ladies' team.

Rod:Oh boy! I pick my brother Todd!

Milhouse:Pick me, Bart! Pick me!

Bart:I'm saving the best for last.

Bart:Nelson!

Ned Flanders:Reverend, I'm worried about playing sports on Sunday. Isn't that a sin?

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh for crying out loud, Ned! Just play the diddly-darn game!

Nelson:My dad gets really competitive when he drinks.

Homer:Oh yeah? Let's play!

Homer:Mmm... can you pass me some of that potato salad? I've got my eye on it and I'm not gonna stop until it's... captured.

Homer:Wait, Flanders is playing? I'm in!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Fortress of solitude. Ever.

Bart:We're down by 20 points with two minutes left. What do you think, Dad? Should we keep fighting or give up?

Homer:Give up? That's quitter talk, son. We should surrender immediately.

Bart:Dad, I need to borrow your underwear for my plan.

Homer:My underwear? Why would you need my underwear?

Bart:I can't tell you, it's a secret plan.

Homer:Well, you can't have it. I only own one pair.

Milhouse:We got the flag!

Bart:Yeah! We won!

Homer:Hey! Those are my underwear!

Bart:Psych!

Homer:Timeout!

Bart:Dad's down!

Lisa:We could egg him!

Maggie:*sucks pacifier*

Homer:This is your fault, Marge! You let me get out of shape!

Marge:Homer, you're the one who puts butter in your coffee every morning.

Marge:I'll take in your pants for you, Homer.

Homer:Oh, that's sweet, Marge!

Marge:No, I mean so I can let them back out when you give up.

Homer:Santa's Little Helper, you can't tell anyone about my exercise routine. It's our secret, okay?

Santa's Little Helper:*barks*

Homer:Oh no... what if Snowball somehow understood that bark and tells everyone?

Homer:Maybe if I just suck in my gut... there, nice and trim!

Homer:Wait, I could just move this picture over a few inches...

Homer:Nah, too much work.

Apu:What can I get for you today, Homer?

Homer:The usual, Apu. A gallon of ice cream, a bucket of lard, and a deep-fried pie.

Apu:Homer, instead of donuts, try our new bran muffins! They're high in fiber and low in fat.

Homer:Bran muffins? What's the point of living?

Apu:They also improve your digestion and promote regularity.

Homer:Regularity? I'm already regular. I'm regular as clockwork.

Apu:Yes, and with our muffins, your bowel movements will be even more efficient and healthy.

Homer:Bowel movements? Ew!

Apu:In fact, Homer, the fiber content is so high that it will completely rejuvenate your colon and rectum, giving you the intestinal tract of a man half your age.

Homer:My rectum?!

Apu:Yes, your rectum will be absolutely pristine. Smooth as a baby's bottom. We're talking world-class sphincter control here.

Homer:Okay, that's it. I'm leaving.

Homer:Hey Apu, what's in these Powersauce bars?

Apu:They're 100% apple!

Homer:Wow, 100% apple? That's great!

Apu:Well, 100% apple sauce. The rest is apple core, apple seeds, and apple stem.

Homer:Gym? Gee-why-em? Oh, you mean Jim!

Homer:Oh my god, it's you! Rainier Wolfcastle! I've admired you for years. Your muscles, they're just so... perfectly defined. The way your pecs ripple when you walk, and your arms, those massive biceps...

Rainier Wolfcastle:Uh, thanks buddy.

Homer:And your thighs! So sculpted and tan. I bet you can feel every individual muscle fiber when you—

Rainier Wolfcastle:Okay, okay, I'm gonna go now.

Rainier Wolfcastle:I'll help you get in shape, Homer! Now drop and give me twenty!

Homer Simpson:Okay, here goes... one... two... three...

Rainier Wolfcastle:YOU CAN DO IT! FEEL THE BURN! NO PAIN, NO GAIN! YOU'RE A CHAMPION!

Homer Simpson:I'm only on three.

Rainier Wolfcastle:THAT'S THE SPIRIT! PUSH THROUGH! YOU'RE UNSTOPPABLE!

Rainier:Feel the burn! Push yourself! You can do it!

Rainier:Come on, Homer! Give me twenty more!

Rainier:That's it! Harder! Faster! Don't stop!

Rainier:Yeah! Now drop and give me fifty!

Rainier:Suck it in! Tighten that gut!

Homer:Yeah, I've been going to the gym and I'm really making progress. I learned a new word today.

Homer:Dumbbell.

Homer:It's a place where you go to get... dumb.

Woman:Wow, Homer, you've really gotten in shape! You look amazing!

Homer:Well, I've been working out and eating healthy. I'm trying to take care of myself.

Woman:It's so attractive. You must have so much willpower.

Homer:You know, I do have willpower. I can resist anything. I'm a new man.

Homer:Is that a donut?

Homer:Mmm... donuts.

Homer:Look at me! I've lost 50 pounds!

Marge:Homer, that's wonderful!

Homer:Wait, wait, let me find it. It's gotta be here somewhere.

Bart:Dad, what are you doing?

Homer:The flab! Find the flab! It didn't just disappear!

Lisa:Dad, maybe you miscounted.

Homer:Miscounted?! I know my own flab! Check behind the couch!

Homer:Lisa, you're as weak as a little girl!

Lisa:Dad, I am a little girl.

Homer:Exactly my point.

Homer:Marge, you need to get in shape. For me. Sexually.

Marge:Homer, stop criticizing and eat your food.

Marge:It's not filth— I mean, it's not... it's delicious.

Homer:You see, I've figured out that concentrated food has awesome power. It says so right on the label! All those other foods are just diluted with water and air.

Homer:See, if you compress the spaghetti, it becomes a candy bar. So technically, I'm not eating unhealthy food.

Homer:Mmm, compressed spaghetti bar.

Marge:Homer, no!

Homer:Mmm... *chokes and gasps*

Marge:Call an ambulance!

Homer:*wheezing* ...need... hospital...

Gym patron:Hey Homer, can you clean off that equipment? You left a lot of sweat on it.

Homer:Sure, no problem!

Gym patron:Actually, never mind. I already got a rash from your previous sweat.

Homer:You see, Rainier helped me understand that I need to focus on my core strength and maximize my cardiovascular output while maintaining optimal metabolic synergy.

Brad:Mr. Wolfcastle, I have a brilliant marketing idea for your next action film.

Rainier Wolfcastle:I'm listening.

Brad:We film the entire movie while you're actually skydiving without a parachute.

Rainier Wolfcastle:Sold! When do we start?

Rainier Wolfcastle:I'm not climbing that mountain. I'm afraid of heights!

Homer Simpson:Come on, Rainier! You're a big action star!

Rainier Wolfcastle:That's just a character. In real life, I can't even look at a stepladder without thinking of applesauce und Schnitzelgruben.

Bart:My dad may not be the smartest guy, but he's consumed more expensive junk food than anyone I know. That's gotta count for something.

Bart:Buy Butterfinger! It's great! So crispy, so chocolatey, so... and so on.

Brad:A man climbing a deadly mountain? That's not believable.

Marketing Executive:Not believable? This is gold! Americans will eat this up. It's got danger, it's got heart, it's got a guy doing something stupid. This is totally believable.

Homer:Wow, look at that mountain. I'm gonna climb it!

Homer:Wait, what? You're telling me there's a bigger one behind it?

Homer:Well, I'm not giving up. I'll climb that one too!

Homer:Oh no, there's another one? This is ridiculous!

Homer:Whimper

Grampa Simpson:I climbed that mountain once. It was sponsored by the Butter Baby Flapjack Company.

Grampa Simpson:I climbed that mountain and sacrificed everything. I gave away my pancakes to the other climbers.

Grampa:I fell 8,000 feet onto jagged rocks.

Homer:Dad, that's terrible! You must be seriously injured.

Grampa:Injured? Pfft! I was dancing later that same night!

Grampa Simpson:Don't climb up there, boy! You'll fall and break your neck!

Homer Simpson:Don't worry, Dad. I've got this... Hey, is this hat brim reflective?

Brad:We're showing contempt for nature, which is perfect because— wait, no, that's terrible. We can't say that.

Homer:Well, you see, these bars have a very high applesauceicity.

Bart:Dad, you're not risking your life just to impress me, are you?

Homer:Yes, son, I am.

Bart:Well, hurry up and risk death already.

Homer:Why do I need oxygen already? We just started climbing!

Bart:Dad, we're only at the base of the mountain.

Homer:I know, but I'm already exhausted. Maybe I should've skipped the donuts this morning.

Bart:Come on, Dad! You can do it! You're almost there!

Homer:Almost where, boy?

Bart:Well, that's the thing about 'encouragement' — it really emphasizes just how enormous the remaining distance is.

Homer:I'm not tired, and I've climbed so far!

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program for breaking news.

Kent Brockman:Homer Simpson has made remarkable progress in his fitness journey, thanks to Powersauce bars!

Kent Brockman:Powersauce: now with 15% more yellow.

Sherpa:We don't care if you die.

Homer:I don't need any of you! I'm climbing this mountain alone!

Sherpa:But sir, if you climb alone, who will carry your supplies and guide you safely?

Homer:You're fired! All of you! I don't pay you to make sense!

Neil:The Powersauce bar contains 100% of the recommended daily allowance of fiber, which comes from the recycled newspaper printed with soy-based inks.

Homer:Wait, wait. Did you say Chinese newspaper?

Kent Brockman:We continue our live coverage of Homer Simpson's mountain climb, where he has just switched to a rival energy drink with an equally ridiculous name.

Kent Brockman:This just in: Local man Homer Simpson has switched to a new energy bar, claiming it contains mega-nutrients.

Kent Brockman:When asked what mega-nutrients are, Mr. Simpson simply said 'I dunno, but they sound mega.'

Bart:Dad might die because of me... I guess he just needs a good talking-to.

Homer:Light-headed? I feel great! All this altitude stuff is making me lighter. I must weigh less now!

Marge:Homer, that's not what light-headed means.

Homer:Sure it does! My head is light! I should leave it here and pick it up on the way down. Think of the savings on neck strain!

Homer:An escalator! Finally!

Homer:Even when stationary, it's still a sweet ride.

Homer:An escalator! Finally, a break!

Homer:I did it! I reached the summit! Woo-hoo!

Homer:Wait a minute... there's another peak higher than this one.

Homer:No! No! Noooooo! Why?! Why would you do this to me?!

Homer:I can't go on. I just can't.

Homer:Let me read Principal McAllister's final diary entry...

Principal McAllister:Dear diary, today I finally understand the truth. Everything Grampa Simpson told me was a lie. He was the villain all along.

Homer:Wait, what? Grampa's been lying this whole time?

McAllister:Tell my wife... I love her. Tell her I love her very much.

McAllister:She used to torture the old man... oh, how I loved watching that.

Homer:My dad is a disgrace, just like Bart's dad.

Homer:Wait a minute... I AM Bart's dad!

Homer:I'm not going to kill myself over this. I accept my limitations. After all, I'm just an average guy with an average life.

Homer:Besides, why should I set my expectations high? I'll just pass my low expectations on to Bart, he'll pass them on to his kids, and so on. That way, the whole Simpson family line will have low expectations.

Homer:I'm going to plant this flag right here at the summit!

Bart:Dad, that's not the real summit. We're still 200 feet below.

Homer:I know, boy. But I'm dedicating this flag to you anyway. It shows I've got the determination to keep going... even if I fail.

Homer:I'm king of the world! King of everyone!

Lisa:Homer, Homer, do you copy?

Apu:He is dead. Please accept this free Squishee as my condolences.

Homer:Hey, guys!

Marge:Homer, what are you doing with that sled? It's the middle of summer!

Homer:Well Marge, I figured I'd get a head start on next winter and—

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense. You can't just... Oh my God!

Chief Wiggum:We got a real mystery here. No signs of struggle, no wounds...

Chief Wiggum:Could be cannibalism.

Homer:Hey! Why are you looking at me?

Bart:Dad, where's the flag? Where's the picture of you at the summit?

Homer:Well, I was gonna take one, but I didn't have a camera.

Bart:What about the flag? Climbers always plant a flag at the top.

Homer:I did plant a flag! A big one!

Bart:Then where is it?

Homer:The wind blew it away.

Bart:Hey Dad, you dropped something.

Homer:D'oh!